164 Locked

 

" Locked "

Out walking today something occurred to me. It appeared crystal clear amid moments of panic. In my head I wrote it all down. At times like that I wish I had a dicta phone to record it all but think if I did it would be lost. I have to observe it and mentally remark even if those notes are later gone. When I get home I mark down key points but the meat that fills those bones quickly fades to nothing.

My panic was due to pushing further than usual but also on a part of the route I am used to panicking on. And I thought to myself if I had no thoughts I would not panic. This is 100% thought driven. Or should I say its 100% irrational thought driven. I can see there is no need to panic but something else us driving it. Something unseen opens and panic flares. It's nothing to do with where I am. Nothing to do with anything about the situation at all. It's a memory of a time before panicking which unlocks that box and panic is unleashed.

That box has been the unfathomable thing in all this and sort of still is. My progress here is that I finally see it exists but unfortunately don't see what is in it. Or the source of it because I know the raw materials are childhood and fear. Did something happen that I have locked away? There is something there. There is a repressed emotion probably connected to an event I have buried. Sometimes I get flashed of things that make no sense from my youth. More than that though is the feeling, the fear. I see it exists which is a step forward. I see it and feel it resurfacing and overpowering in my teenage years. I see it but right now I don't know what to do with it. I don't know if it's something better left alone.