Halloween

 

Like every year the obligatory halloween post. Just pictures really to show change pictorially over the years. There were the pumpkin replacement melons as always. Kids getting older but the story remains the same. Just a little thing to keep them ticking over and mark the ocassion. No guisers at the door and indoors all night for them. Ducking for apples (or slices of) and that sort of thing.

I guess the real story of Halloween was my wife's creative efforts with my oldest daughter's costume. The boy was fine with an off the shelf Iron Man outfit. The middle child happy enough to be Egyptian with the added incentive of a little make up. The oldest though was not for such a simple passing of the pagan festival. Actually is it pagan? Not sure. Anyway she wanted something a bit more. I rolled my eyes but my wife indulged.

The oldest girl is the more creative of the three. Wonderfully creative and artistic. I wouldn't say the most imaginative. I think she gets her creativity from her mum but her artistic streak from me. Not that I am artistic in any way nowadays but I was at her age. Not a creative person but a very good copier. I could copy things on to paper with biro, pencil or felt tip to great acclaim from the family. My oldest daughter is very much the same. That is not to say there is not creativity or imagination there. Maybe its unfair. I just see the same similarities with myself at that age and the chance to wind her up by asking where she copied her latest work from. Her sister is the imaginative one. Maybe too imaginative at times to the point of not really existing here but in a world she has created herself.

I am though getting away from the point here and that is to say that my wife is creative and rubs her hands with glee when the opportunity arises to put her creative streak into action. Whether it be a poem for an ocassion, a song for the kids homework or mostly with her hands to create something from nothing. She jumps at the chance and sees it as a challenge. And this was a challenge. For 3 nights solid at least it occupied and frustrated her. The oldest had decided she wanted to be a centaur and from that idea my wife built a costume which at least lasted for the entrance to the school Halloween disco if not long beyond that. Respect where it is due. Its usually me who is glad to see the back of this festival but this year my wife for sure desired it more than me. 

No well

When I took the call from the school my first thought as always was to phone my wife. In fact usually I don't get the call. I only get the call when my wife doesn't answer. Today she didn't answer because she was at work and it was busy. So when the phone rang and I looked at the caller ID expecting to see spam and instead seeing the school's number I knew I had to answer. My youngest daughter was feeling ill, could I come and collect her. Of course. On the phone its easy to act normal. Yes of course I will come and collect my ill daughter. I then put down the phone and call my wife until i get her, talk to her and then wait for her to bring one of the children home.

Today I put down the phone, got my coat and went out the door. My wife's work is on the way to the school. I dropped in. Stupid not to. The school may have caught her after me. My wife has better judgement in these matters and when I went in and spoke to her she wanted to make sure our daughter needed to come home. So while she called i went and my wife would call on the way there to let me know if I was to continue or come back home.

Its all in the mind. I can work further than that yet the more I walked the more my body turned to lead and the breathing became more shallow. I started to feel like I needed to stop and throw up. Balance was not right. I was on a ferry crossing the choppy channel. Nonesense. I told myself as much. That once hardly audible voice deep down had found a little bit more volume with every passing test and with CBT. Nonesense. Nothing to fear, move along. My wife called. I'm not sure what I hoped she would say. I was being pulled apart inside by the need to do this and the need for mental santuary.

I stood at the front door of the school. I had my hands cupped over my eyes trying to look through the glass door but instead seeing bits of things and mostly my reflection. I had rung the bell to the office 3 times and as I stood hanging about outside I was smiling to myself about my wife's call: they have her ready and waiting in reception just to be picked up. It took me back to the school runs by car 3 years ago. Those short jaunts by car with me driving in full blown panic with the school getting the kids ready for my arrival and more often than not finding they were not. I waited. The building panic I noted had actually eased to my amazement.

Walking through the park with my daughter I felt some sense of achievement. Another little step in the right direction. Another chore I can hopefully take away from my wife until a time when she feels she is not having to do everything- akin to a single mother as she has said. It felt good. I'd done it.

It gave me a boost. A couple of hours later I went for a walk and decided to go for it. A walk i had been building towards for a long time but still a long way off attempting. Given most of it is through woodland then today was definitely not the day as the ground in those woods were like mush. But I pushed on determined to do it. And I did do it. Not easy but I made a point of not rushing it. A few times I slipped but did manage to stay upright the whole time. I took my time. For the first time in a long while I took my camera with me to slow me down. I tried to take things in. I heard a noise and saw a branch ping upwards. Definitely not a bird. I waited. I moved slowly. A squirrel. I stood for a while tracking it from tree to tree. Losing myself in the moment. Connecting with the world around. I did it.

So its been a productive day and I think its starting to become a productive time. Bit by bit I am losing the fear and stepping into it. Bit by bit. And that is how it has to be done- gradually. Am I any closer to recover? I am but I don't know how close because its not a linear process. It either is or it isn't. One day it will click and there will be no turning back. The moment before and all the moments leading up to that I will be agoraphobic and at the whim of panic. Then it will click. Then I will truely understand. I will see and it will no longer hold fear for me. And I will go and I will keep going and I will never be back here again. It will be the past. Every moment in the now becomes a moment in the past a moment later. Who we are now, then and will be changes from moment to moment. And there is no need to look back. Living in the now but as soon as that click occurs and everything is aligned again as it should be there will be no looking back.

Woodland walk

I'm quite proud of myself today. I did something which has been on my mind for a long time but have never been able to work up the courage to do. Its a route down to the David Livingstone Centre where I have been by car and even twice managed to walk to on foot but always via the main roads. My hope was to one day came back via the woodland and part of the many paths around my area named the Clyde Walkway. Its a bit more challenging and that is why I have been put off by it. Challenging for me in two ways.

The walk in total is only two miles. There was a time not so long ago when that distance was beyond on. For many years I could not do one mile or only very very infrequently at a push. In fact up until the start of last year really that was the case. The fact I can cover that distance now is just part of the problem. That is not the way agoraphobia works. The problem is I have been testing of late how far I can get away from home in one direction before I feel the need to turn back and that has at a push been not more than half a mile. So basically to do it I would need to double that and that is something I had planned to start working on gradually. The other problem was just as hard. Going via the main roads there are ways to take a short cut if I need to bale out or even call my wife to come by car if I feel I cannot go on. Going into the woodland offers no such luxury. Once I go in I have to really come out the other end and that is where the panic I knew would build when passing that point of no return.

I was not at the stage of attempting it. I like to plan these things and prepare for all eventualities. I also like to get myself as right as I can mentally before attempting such a thing. It makes me wonder whether its the right approach. The truth is I was just doing a normal walk when I suddenly felt: bugger it. And off I went. And I kept going. All the way down to the David Livingstone centre and past it and then to the entrance to the woodlands. By then I was so out of breath and shaky. As much as I wanted to head back I told myself it was actually shorter to push on. That is the truth. It is shorter but maybe more taxing because there are more ups and downs and the path is muddy- I nearly fell a few times. But I realised I had in fact already passed the point of no return just getting down there. So I pushed on.

It wasn't easy. But I started at least to see things for what they were. The breathless was not physically driven. The more I pushed on the less breathless I became despite some steep inclines. I also started to slow myself down deliberately aware I was pushing tensely and quickly to get it over. All inward. I started to get mindful. Smells, colours, sounds of the woodland. Slowing. Got my camera out. Looked about for things of interest and with each step pulled myself slowly from internalising to externalising in the wonderful surroundings. Not to the point where I enjoyed it as much as I should have but from entering the woods to exiting I was getting nearer to that state.

I really do need to keep a note of these things. So many things that I wanted to do two years ago and for years before that have now been done. Its easy to forget as I look ahead to the next challenges. But its important to remember. 

Mausoleum

Yesterday my wife and I went out on a little drive again as we have been doing when we get the chance. My wife wants me to start driving again but I'm not ready. I'd rather contend with the getting out first and foremost and leave the driving for another date. For this reason I am also looking at buses and trains which are higher up the priority list than driving at the moment. For now my wife though is happy to drive. She likes driving. Something I never have.

We went out to Chatelherault Country Park, I place I have posted about previously. Mainly it was to have a walk in the woods which was lovely. After the walk I found myself alone in the visitors centre reading all about the local history and wildlife in the area while my wife went to the toilet. I think some time in the past before the anxiety appeared I was in there. A long time ago. Too long to remember.

A long time ago I also posted here about visiting the Hamilton Mausoleum at night. It was a short stop in the dark when we were doing night drives- can't find the post but I am sure its there somewhere. After the woodland walk we drove back into Hamilton and went for a walk to the Mausoleum. Its a beautiful building and I really should look up the history on it. I do believe visits can be arranged which would be interesting given it has a lot of history. I would imagine at night is a bit spooky too. I was able to get right up and have a closer look as close as the gates would allow. We also walked around it too.

Just another day of getting out. In time these posts will be meaningless- I hope. Mundane to me as they are to any reader. For now though they are steps on the path in the right direction so worth a mention.

1000 Miles

I walked down the street and turned the corner. A little smile to myself. Only I- oh, and you- know but its a landmark for me. 1000 miles walked in a year. Well 10 months actually. Its something to be proud of even if it was not 500 miles out and 500 back.

I was watching the American TV series "Under the dome". I can relate to that. One day out of the blue an invisible dome appears over a town and noone can get out- or in. Its very much like my world. I see my invisible boundaries which are dictated not by how far out I can go but how far I can go and get back. The latter is the most important part. With each step anxiety and fatigue build to a point where I have to judge whether I have enough energy and calm to make it back. Waiting is not an option in that state.

The walls of the dome though have in the past few years extended out so my world is a bigger place.  I can walk further and wait longer. For these things I must be happy. Its heading in the right direction. From this place which is still too limited its far too easy to forget that at one time the dome was around my home and then around my block and hope was too far off in the distance to touch. Its easy to forget just how hard it used to be and just how limited my life was. Time passes and things have improved and although I am still too far away from a normal life its moving int the right direction.

The thing is its been a linear path but I don't think the path to a full recovery will flow that way. Full recovery I think comes in a moment. It comes in a kind of enlightened moment when it all makes sense and everything clicks into place. The weeks and months of reading CBT and doing the exercises finally makes sense. The moment when all is clear and the fear subsides and over time after the habit dies without the fuel to feed to the fear. The ruse. It is a ruse. A ruse I cannot quite get my head around yet but I am getting there and until that day comes I will keep walking and walking and who knows maybe on one of those walks I will just keep going. Maybe on one of those walks the reverse of a decade ago will happen and I will go out the door an agoraphobic and come home back to my old self again.