Taking care

"Christ,", oh such a blasphemous uttering for a good Catholic woman who had just taken her eldest daughter to her first reconciliation that very day. "Your shoulder are like they are made of stone". Not a reference to power or strength but tension of at times unbearable pressure I have accumulated. I sat on the floor on a pillow as my wife tried in vein to untie the knots of days upon days upon years of tensing up from the world of consciousness. Such a little sin was nothing compared to my colorful expletives in reaction to pushing on muscles that don't won't pushed upon and feel like brick until pressurised. But hey I am a heretical old sod who has no god to answer to so no need to worry. No joke though they are tight knots that with a squeeze don't ease and instead feel like they are going to break.

Squeeze your hand. Squeeze it as hard as you can. Keep it there for as long as you can. Not very comfortable is it but when it gets too much you realise. That is what my shoulders and neck are like but I have no way of releasing the pressure. Bloody pest it is to. Making the mental effort to relax and loosen makes no difference as its in a constant state of tension and is accumulated. Its not all anxiety though that is the largest part. We need a knew mattress as I notice I feel this at is most intense once a week- the one day I get to lie on in the morning. Something about that old mattress ain't good when I get the bed to myself for the latter part and for a longer sleep than usual. Its just over 6 years old and I've tried turning it but it was worse. Other things are a possible unlikely weakness from whiplash many years ago in a train crash or maybe even that rogue bin bag that tore muscles in my upper back which still causes me grief. There was a period where I thought I had high blood pressure because I'd have spells of tension in my face which felt like it was about to explode but investigating further I found on every occasion my neck was tight with tension which was probably the cause.

It leads me to talking about sleep. I was trying today to think of some positives over the course of 4-7 years and I think I have found one. One little bit of resilience brought on by circumstance and thankfully relative decent physical health. My eldest daughter is 7.5 years old and apart from a spell of flu a few months after she was born I have not spent much time in bed. By that I mean I've never said to my wife I need to stay in bed rather than get up because I can't. I suppose it illustrates if you have to you do. So many mornings I just haven't wanted to get up whether it be because I didn't sleep until the very early hours, I just couldn't face the day ahead or both. But I always have done and I suppose that is one positive illustration that I still have some inner strength in there somewhere.

Anyway enough moaning. Just wanted to illustrate that anxiety can be more than "just worry". Agoraphobia can be more than just playing safe at home not brave enough to venture out out. Panic is not just about that period it resides but its the peak of a growing anxious state which had longer term effects on the body. Many actually. Tension that it brings leads to a greater general tension which in turn causes aches, perceived breathing issues, visual problems and a whole host of other things which perversely cause more anxiety in a self perpetuating cycle.

I think though in my case at least a lot is to do with looking at yourself and managing reaction better. My fuse is too short. Anger and stress come to easy. Its something recently I have been looking closely at and trying to approach better. Even if I fail I look and wonder whether I really needed to burst a blood vessel because the kids defied me. A mix of cabin fever from being incarcerated and young energetic children needing an outlet is a potent mix. But I am the adult, the parent, and the one who can act differently. So better self management and a course of massage abuse from the wife are on the agenda on my search for personal inner peace.

Living without fear

I read a very interesting article on the BBC news website today entitled "The Woman who cannot feel fear". Quite incredible actually even just as a proposition. Is living without fear a good thing? You may have read some time ago for example about the Kakapo who lived without fear because they lived in a place that was devoid of any natural predators so evolved with a fearless state. Makes you realise why in today's age fear is on the increase along with stress, worry and a general rush and pressure to get things done. I wonder if you lived on a remove island if over generations a human would also evolve to be fearless? Anyway, it may not be a good thing. Sure no panic or anxiety would suit me but it can also be a dangerous thing if circumstances change. Like the Kakapo who were quite willing to sit placid, be picked up and placed in a cooking pot when man first set foot on their island because they did not have the fear response to protect them.

I'll leave you to read the article if you would like but I found it fascinating. A similar story to the Kakapo in fact in that during tests this woman was actually ready to pick up a Tarantula devoid of fear but filled with curiosity which could have had a most sticky end. I wonder if anyone would trade with her. Being fearless may not actually be it is all it is cracked up to be and like all things maybe for ourselves it balance we should be striving for.

One other interesting thing is the mention of the amygdala and how this woman, according to the study, has "focal bilateral amygdala lesions" which is basically a structural fault and from this the study group, oh I hate these groups too, have decided that the amygdala is in fact the fear centre. Its just a pity this theory has been tarnished previously because of pathetic methods attaching their stupidity to the science with claims that you can control the amygdala through distracting yourself. This group have surmised though that the amygdala could be key to treating PTSD- though why PTSD alone I don't know as surely all anxiety disorders are interrelated and based on the one emotion of fear.

Thought it might be worth a look.

The shutdown

It was very eerie. I walked down my street and it was so quiet, pitch black but also misted over with a freezing fog. Nothing moving until I saw on the main road a car crawl by in front of me almost silent. As I approached the main road I saw the shapes of people walking on the road around between the few slow moving cars. Closer I saw them limp along. It was like a scene from "The day after tomorrow" with the world covered in a white blanket and the few inhabitants around looking like lost souls. When I went to walk on the main path I found why they were all walking on the road as my feet almost went from under me. It was solid and not something you would want to fall on. Instead of the road I stuck to the knee deep snow at the side of the path which was heavy going. So quiet and dark and strange. I walked less than half a kilometre and could see the dual carriageway ahead clogged with parked cars and lights out like they had all been abandoned. It really sent shivers down my spine. It felt like the early hours of the morning but it was only six in the evening. I headed back wanting to go further but feeling panic rise again.

What a weird old day. Quickly I want to get something out of the way. I've had more panic than usual of late but not what I would call a full blown panic attack for a while- the jolt and completely beyond control panic. Last night I had one which crested around seven and then surfed on that crest for an hour. For an hour after it subsided and never quite went but that was good enough for me and then the same thing happened again for another hour. I've never had anything like that before and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy as I was climbing walls with agitation and just wanted to rip my brain to pieces- horrible. It was little surprise that today I woke filled with dread and all day I have been fighting panic still. This morning I really couldn't see a way to make it through the day because I was stuck on inward mode and couldn't escape the darkness. There is an vague agitation of some sort in the background threatening to peak into panic which I can only assume is unspent adrenalin from the night before but even approaching midnight as I type this it is still there. My neck, shoulders and back are taut to the point of snapping and this ambiguous dark cloud keeps trying to chase me from any state of relaxation.

Anyway that out the way, I went to the window this morning when I got up to see the world was starting to return to normal. Paths and gardens and other areas were still thick with snow but the roads were clear, the sky was clear and traffic moved as normal. My wife took the kids to school and when she returned I was feeding the boy his breakfast on my lap. She was sodden and told me it had started to snow. I couldn't believe the change when I finished and went to the window. The sky was white, the ground was white and the snow kept falling. Although the sky was occluded I didn't think it would last long but it never stopped.

When the phone rang at half one I told my wife it would be the school. It wasn't. It was her work to tell her they were shutting down and so she didn't have to work the backshift. When she came off the phone she called the school and they told her they were in the processing of shutting down the school. When my wife and girls came home my wife said nothing was moving. The whole town had shut down. And watching the news shortly after I found it wasn't only our town but right across the central belt of Scotland the world had shutdown.

I have had such a hard time this last 36 hours but it is nothing compared to some. My wife spent the rest of the night relaying Facebook posts. Her friend's husband had abandoned his car and walked the 9 miles home in deep snow. Her friend from work had been in her car for seven hours and finally decided to ditch the car, an hour after I was out, to walk the 12 miles home not even kitted out for that weather in the cold, dark and freezing fog. Neighbours had walked home from neighbouring towns in blizzards and deep snow for miles.

I can't remember anything like this in Scotland. In my life I had driven in blizzards and never been stuck for more than an hour or too. Never to the point of having to abandon the car for a long hike. I watched the news later at night and people are still stranded. Some with young children too. It just seemed to come out of the blue and I am thankful that I am not one of those people but my heart really does go out to those who have been stranded. I can't even begin to imagine what they were going through. I just hope most if not all are snuggly tucked up in bed now.

According to the Met Office there is no snow forecast for the rest of the week. If so then again things might return to normal. The chaos on the streets its kind of a relfection of my own head at this point of time so I am well up for a positive change on both fronts. The sooner the better. The schools are shut tomorrow and I'll be up with the kids tomorrow hoping I do not wake up beneath the ice again trying to punch my way out. Oh god I've got to stop being such a drama queen.

Stand Still

I can't remember the last time the snow brought everything to a halt. It has happened in my life time but I cannot remember the last time it was so long ago. And I've lived in different places. Today though that is what happened. As I said in my last post things were slowing down but even then I didn't think it would come to stand still but it did. Living in Scotland you get used to adverse weather and to be honest looking out at the day I have seen a hell of a lot worse but the council thought differently.

Yesterday with just over 2 hours left of school to go the council decided all schools in the county should be shut and so did most other counties. Why I don't know because parents had already dropped kids off and the weather didn't get any worse. Their decision meant thousands, I expect, of parents and carers around the country had to make instant arrangements, leave work, etc. for the sake of just over 2 hours. My wife for example had to leave work early and luckily could only get away with doing so because her manager is off this week and then she had to walk through the snow to school and back. The council decided also that all schools in the county would be shut today not taking individual cases into consideration and today we had to wait until after two in the afternoon for them to make up their mind whether they were going to close them tomorrow too.

So the girls had a day off school and despite a long talk last night I opened one eye at the crack of dawn this morning to see them approaching my wife's side of the bed. The reason it turned out was they wanted to know if they could open the advent calender. So I got up and allowing my wife to sleep on gave them a lecture about waking up their mum when she was trying to catch up on sleep. The thing is all week they have been reluctant to get out of bed for school and in a foul mood when they do but a day off they are up earlier than usual of their own volition. But as I spoke I realised they were excited, they don't understand and they have a dad who at the moment just gets angry at the slightest thing.

You probably read it in the tone of this post that I do let things get under my skin very easily. I have a long list. Apparently because we have a combi boiler we can't install a shower so we have to rely on those one that cling to the taps and for the life of me I can't understand that stupid design on rubber trying to cling to a wet, usually, metal surface and being forced backs. Straps surely to secure it. I mean if you were trying to hold on to a pipe that had water jetting out of it surely you would strap yourself to the pipe rather then try to hold on to the mouth of it with a giant plunger. Metal teas spoons, what is the point? I thought that couldn't be topped until one day my wife decided to through out her old pots and pans and buy new ones. She came back with these all-metal variety. Surely there is a design stage and surely someone thought that the handle might get hot. I don't cook on the stove much but if I still get caught out with these bloody things picking up a hot metal handle to move it.

My wife has told me many times I need to calm down and also that I need to get off the kids' back. Although today I came to the realisation that I do need to calm myself down and not get so worked up I'm not in total agreement about the kids. I do need to stop getting so wound up by them but at the same time I am the only one who gives them any discipline and this is undermined by my wife who prefers not to be the bad one. Nothing bad in that but they are defiant at times and cheeky and act in ways I would never have gotten away with when I was their age. As an example my I put the kids to bed tonight and my oldest got up to go to the toilet, heard my wife in the kitchen and although I told her to go to bed she walked right past me as if I was not there into the kitchen. I knew what for. Its like groundhog day. Apart from being angry at being ignored and giving another lecture that fell on deaf ears I explained the her mum has one proper meal a day not breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks inbetween like herself. I explained that she should be allowed to eat that meal in piece but my wife said she could have a little bit which as usual turned into her eating about a third of my wife's dinner and my wife having crisps after because she was still hungry. Little things but I worry that the lack of discipline is doing them no good and also that my place in the household as father has moved because of my anxiety problems to one more akin to older brother.

That aside though I have been trying harder today not to blow that short fuse which wasn't always easy with 3 hyperactive kids in a small room who speak like the have fog horns attached to their vocal chords. They are constantly fighting over toys or what to watch or what they are playing and constantly winding each other up. Just being kids. If you haven't been there as a parent then you will I am sure remember it well as a child. That is the way things are. And I have managed to get on top of it today and had no panic too which is not the norm these days. I have been more tired this evening than I usually am and I think that is because I also feel more relaxed than usual.

We did have a good day today and made the most of the day off. In the photo above my oldest is holding an icicle she spotted on the roof outside her bedroom window and her mum leaned out and got it. I took the oldest icicle spotting around the local area seeing if we could find bigger and better than the last. On the church across the road from us there is a beauty which I hope doesn't ever fall on some passing soul. I noticed there are snowball marks dotted around it where kids have tried to bring it down but it would take a chainsaw. While my wife turned over the engine I was going to make a snowman with the kids but it was too fluffy and wouldn't stick together but we mucked about in the snow. Even the boy has taken to throwing it at me. It was cut short though when the youngest girl started crying from the cold. Although the air is not cold being in the snow is so to shorten her pain I took the kids upstairs and then later went for another walk with the oldest. All in all a good day.

With the schools re-opening tomorrow I think the stand still is over and the world is beginning to turn again. No snow predicted for the weekend anyway and it will soon be business as usual in this little town. I think today though was a vital lesson for me about watching my own feelings and how better to deal with them. In turned from something I was dreading into something good so that is something I should be looking to do more of.