I am a writer

 

I am a writer, that is what I wanted the response to be. Up until my 18th birthday it would have been I am a footballer. The question being of course: what do you do? In my first 18 years or 11-13 of them at least that dream of being a footballer was not my own. It was my dad's unfulfilled dream that he tried to live through me and then my brother. I thought I had it. I thought I was at least as good as those I competed against and one friend who went semi-pro. But I lacked the drive he had and that is what gets sportsmen ahead of the others. And later I came across people who were streets ahead and never made it. It was never to be and in hindsight that was probably a good thing. It wasn't my dream. I would have been miserable. And in truth in all the years I played football I was miserable without realising why.

One day I picked up a book by Anne Rice and read it out of boredom around 17-18 years old. I didn't expect to enjoy but I did. It was a book I had bought my mum for her birthday. So then I picked up another by Richard Laymon and enjoyed that too. Then I started buying books. I went from those horrors to different genres. Probably one of my best moves was joining a mail order club called QPD (Quality Paperback Direct) in which you got 3 free books and then had to buy so many a year. The reason it was good was sometimes I got sent the book of the month which was something I would not have chosen and although not always great it opened up so much more to me.

Reading did not want to make me a writer but it was part of it. I think it was "On the road" by Kerouac and all the books I read after. Not writing or reading but the freedom to go wherever. I wanted to travel- ironically. And at some point I thought travel writing was my perfect vocation. I envisioned a small bag over my shoulder and jumping on a train around Europe and other places to sit writing in my notepad about the scenes, the smells, the colours and the soundtrack to it all. The problem is I couldn't write. That was obviously a problem. I had scraped a pass in English and at one point been put in with the daft lads much to the dismay of one teacher. It was like my desire to play guitar. I tried so hard with that but in the end had to give up realising I just was never going to do it because I could only concentrate on one hand at a time. And if all that were not bad enough for a travel writer who could not write imagine one who could not also could not travel due to agoraphobia. The travel writer who cannot write or travel. I have become the complete opposite of what I desired to be. 

I am not a writer. I am not a footballer. As I outlined in a previous post I am not anything. I feel like I am just bobbing about in an endless ocean. I need to find a direction.  

Purpose

 In an open office a few years ago across the desk from a very nice lady who promised to hold my hand back to work I was deflated to be told I was basically useless. I spent about 5 minutes listing all the qualifications I earned and experience I'd gained only to be told it was meaningless. I was starting from scratch. I was sitting for over an hour of draining panic for no financial gain in the hope of earning again only to be told all I had done in life was for nothing. It was crushing to be honest.

The road is long

 A week on, more than a week actually, my wife and kids are still testing positive for COVID19. Thankfully the worst of the symtpoms are passed. The kids are well on their way but the cough remains and congestion with it. My wife and I however are finding it harder to shake. Definitely passed the worst of it but still not getting over it. Congestion, weakness, balance issues, sweats and so many more little symptoms still holding us back. My wife hates being off work but has just been signed off for 2 weeks. I don't have a workplace of course so I just need to get back to walking, CBT and all that but at the moment finding it hard. Not this week anyway for walks. Just taking the dog out is a chore on my breathing and leaves me a bit panicky after. Its like a really bad head cold. My ears are blocked and my head is too causing a sense of unreality and annoyance at having to ask people to repeat themselves constantly. Too long on my feet and I come out in sweats and feel the need to sit down with a weight pushing down on my shoulders. It will pass in itime. The worst is over. It just takes time. 

Positive

 Ive had a cough since a week ago but no other ailments. At the same time my wife had been feeling poorly and on Thursday took a Covid test which was thankfully negative. On Friday she took another and again it was negative, she went to work and while there she felt so ill she took another test. This one was positive. So she came home, cancelled her plans to go up north to look after her dad, went to bed and did not surface until Monday. Living in a small flat we feared the worse of course and that has proven to be the case. The boy had a ready bad barking cough over the weekend, younger girl had aching bones and oldest girl was strangely fine. I started to develop a cough and high temperature over the weekend too but it was not until Monday night that it really kicked in. My wife got all 3 kids to test on Monday. The younger two tested positive but the oldest girl was negative. I started to feel worse but did not take a test.