Worrier

Anxiety stems from worry. Have I always been a worrier? Is this what brought on the anxiety and the subsequent panic? Or is the worry a product of the years of anxiety? I don't know. Its a chicken and egg situation. What I do know though and what is becoming more and more apparent is that I am a worrier right here and now. And that would be OK. Worry is not a bad thing. But my worry is excessive and it is prolonged. There is that. But maybe even worse than that is the catastrophising that I have become an expert in and I am so profficient in the art of thinking the worse that it is an automatic reaction now. Before I can even compute something my mind is writing my life's latest disaster movie which is more catastrophic than the last which is usually just 2 minutes prior. I am reminded of that Commercial Union advert from yesteryear: we won't make a drama out of a crisis. Except it is never a crisis or at least until now it has never been. 

As I said a few posts ago we have been having problems at home with moisture and mould. I am getting on top of it. Slowly but surely I am getting on top but it is a constant battle at the moment. Anyway the kids' room needed work today and I did that and came out giving myself a pat on the back feeling like I had done something worthwhile- I try to do something of note each day however little. And I came into the living room and went to the window and looked out. Horrible day. Dark and wet and rainy and cold. I turned around and for whatever reason looked up and there was something that was not there before. A mark or a stain. What is that? 

It doesn't matter. I found three more. That was about tea time. The rest of the night was a write off. In my mind it is water in the loft. I cannot get up there at the moment. My head went from a small stain to the ceiling opening up and water gushing in. From there it was where to stay while work was carried out to fix it. It was the cost of fixing it. It was what to do if the damage could not be fixed. It was a million and one dark rabbit holes I was diving down. Some of it came from other places. The cold snap followed by the quick thaw led to burst pipes. Our downstairs neighbour had a ceiling leak and the guy above was away so the fire brigade had to come out and kick in the door to turn off the water. I was out talking to them and one of the guys was saying they were all over the place that day with burst pipes. As well as that a family we are friendly with had a burst pipe above them too and they had to spend a night in a hotel then got moved to a different above while work is carried out. So there is some reasoning to it but it is still thinking the very worst when its most likely not going to happen.

This is what causes panic attacks. It is the over the top reaction to the slightest thing that sets off the alarm bells that leads to the fight or flight system being activated. It is the irrational jumping of conclusion from minor concern to major incident. It is wanting to be the warrior but instead being the worrier and the disappointment that brings. It is an almost constant din and inner wailing that I cannot seem to quieten. It wasn't always there but it seems to get worse rather than better. I cannot seem to accept that which I cannot affect and that causes agitation because I know its stupid but its such an automatic process now I cannot seem to stop it and challenge it at source. I am a worrier but I wasn't always a worrier so if I can sway one way then I can surely sway the other way in time. It needs a shift in attitude.  

Bah humbug!

 

Not a popular sentiment I know but I have to say it: I hate Christmas. I didn't always hate it and maybe it just this year in particular but right now I just want to get it out of the way. Its a mssive expense at a time when everyone is striking because they don't have enough money, more people are using food banks than ever and power bills are rocketing out of sight. Every purchase is shrinking but the cost is snowballing- a grand for a phone! You give things people don't always want and recieve things you don't always need- or want either. And yet with social media there are always those showing off their wealth  and their boxes of presents for the kids and grandkids and all the rest. You go outside and there are houses lit up like a lighthouse probably using enough power to run the whole street. Wherever you look there are things to make you feel inadequate at this time of year.

People only want to see one side of Christmas. They don't want to see people taking out loans they cannot afford to keep up with rest. They don't want to see people cold, hungry and homeless outside while others are inside and warm getting stuck into a big turkey with all the trimmings. But I know for a lot of people it is not about that. For some people its about going to church and the social side. Its about families getting together. Its about the happy faces of young children opening up a present. It is a real mixture of things depending on your circumstances. Its not all bad but its not all good either.

For me though, as I said, I just want to see the back of it. I've spent more money than I should have and I know the kids are going to be disappointed with what they find. And that will be compounded later when they are on their social media and see what other have gotten. Its shouldn't be about material gains but it is in the same way that Easter is all about the chocolate eggs. If it were not then no one would give presents or eggs.

Anyway sorry to be such a downer but the world has gone to pot at the moment and it feels like so many people are struggling financially at the moment and Christmas is the last thing they need too. I don't think I am alone in that respect or maybe I am. Maybe I am the only Scrooge in the village. 

A big part of how I feel this year is down to this year being very different for other reasons. Usually at Christmas we get up, kids open their presents and then my wife takes them up North. Its been like that for as long as I could not go. This year though my wife and oldest daughter are working in the care sector so need to work Christmas Eve, Christmas day and boxing day so it doesn't feel very much like Christmas at all. They are not just working a few hours either but out at around 7:00 then home around 22:00. So for them it really is not Christmas at all. And the same goes for the younger two who will no doubt feel like something is missing come the big day. 

Aside from the grumping I do hope many people do have a merry Christmas this year of all years. Especially the kids. 

Snap

 If you listen closely then you will hear the sound of palms rubbing together. For many its to keep warm in this cold and depressive period. For an elite few though it is the rubbing the hands with glee and as a cold snap means their banks balance is escalating faster than those old electricity meters used to whizz when you turned on the hot tap. Energy bills doubling and trebling and spiralling so the select rich can horde even more piles of cash with billion dollar profits and gigantic bonuses. Its not just the poor that are feeling the pinch of the energy crisis but those better off financially too who have bigger homes and require more heating and light. Its not just the homes but the businesses from the small individuals to the bigger establishments. As if things were not bad enough with the cost of living and energy rises heading to Christmas then a cold snap appears to really darken the mood. Expected at this time of year of course but that doesn't make it any easier to accommodate.

It is a dilemma. You sit freezing under a duvet with a water bottle and still the end of your nose and maybe your hands are like ice. You want to "take the chill out the air" with an hour's blast of the central heating but you also in your head the bill coming through the post and the regret felt that you did not just keep that heating off. You see your kids shiver and give in preferring to ease their suffering and take the financial hit later. But spare a thought when you are cold for those in Braemar experiencing -17 degrees overnight and parts in the area without power for days. At least we have the option of heat.

There is though another part of me that questions my thinking when I remove the anger directed towards the fat cats in power who are obviously rigging the pricing- it is no lose for them and all big gain. I think to myself: how did it come to this? How for years and years did we not have to worry about putting on the heating in winter but now its a major issue. And by "we" I mean the collective "we" of all of us in that situation. It suggests a decline but is it? Is it more a case that we have gotten used to too many creature comforts. For example I remember when young sitting comfortable on the sofa and getting annoyed at being told to get up and switch the TV over. Remote controls came to take that problem away and then when even pressing a button got too much we developed voice activated control. And heating is the same. When I was of school age I remember being freezing in the morning walking about with a cover over me and praying someone would put on the electric fire. It never happened, or rarely, because of the costs. At best we got the light and its orange glow to give the impression of warmth. Is that any different from now? And it was worse then because most homes were only single glazed and draughty unlike now. Maybe we now expect too much. It is possible. There is that expectation on one hand but there still is on the other hand that very reasonable expectation that we would hope energy companies would not hold us to ransom but that feels very real at the moment in this cold snap.

Fifty One

 

On Saturday I turned 51 years old and it was the hardest birthday to day. Still my anxiety is very bad and still I am not anyone in on the secret. To my family I am struggling again with agoraphobia but trying to overcome that with CBT and walks like I did previously. They know nothing though of what is going on indoors inside the 4 walls of the living room where I reside and inside the 4 walls of my head. And so it was i was first up sitting on my own with dread building over the coming events. Something so simple yet so hard. The giving of presents and a card. A lovely thing but to me a situation where I had to stay in one place and not leave even with panic building or in full flow. I can't even remember how long I was alone but every minute felt like an hour. You see my wife had planned to go up north with the kids and so I knew at the end of it all I would be alone where i could at least deal with any panic out of view. An act she was apologetic over but that I was thankful for. Since my father in law's stroke my wife and her sisters have been taking turns to look after him so it was her turn to go up. Something I was completely fine with. The alternative was us all just sitting at home anyway doing nothing much and getting a take away later. 

Anyway the lead up from all being up until wife giving me me card and present was worse than I imagined it to be. I did not panic which ironically was the problem. If I'd had a panic attack it would have lasted 20-30 minutes and then after I would have been fine. Instead it was constant tension and agitation and restlessness that was driving me up the wall. It was a prolonged state of apprehension. My body was waiting for the inevitable panic and because it never came and because it assumed it was inevitable then the process just kept going on and on. It was horrible to be honest. So when it came to present time I could feel panic starting to rise. I'd had enough. I felt so uncomfortable and just wanted to be alone and was sitting with a bag of presents and four members of my family sitting waiting on me. Something happened. Something strange. All the tension eased off and all the anticipatory adrenaline flushed away. All of a sudden I felt "normal" again. So i opened my cards and my presents and was very appreciative for being spoiled more than I deserved. And I remained in that state of normality until they left a few hours later and on into the night alone sitting with my take away watching TV until lights out. The hardest birthday in many ways and yet one of the best in the end and certainly one of the most rewarding as I could not have appreciated the kindness more had I not had that anxiety leave me like that.

On reflection that is how things have been going of late. In the past two weeks I have actually only experienced one panic attack. This is a massive improvement from August to October when not only was I having one per day but sometimes up to three per day. Draining and horrible. I am not jumping the gun but I am hoping things are improving on that front. But I do have to say in place of panic is this prolong period of dread which to be honest is expecting giving I was having daily panics and so my body is still expecting them at home in the company of even my family. I am wary because I did go a two week period of no panics in October and then as soon as I had one it was back to dailies and they hit harder in the beginning because I had gone so long without one.  I can only just stick to the CB that helped me last time and hope that in time they do settle. I do though still feel vulnerable to them. 

I am hoping the second year of my fifties is better than the first. I was so full of optimism this time last year with good reason but that bout of COVID19 in February seems to have set me right the way back to the start at a time I was pretty sure I was going to finally get out of this mess. I need to accept that and know that from further down the ladder now there is more room to climb in this coming year and that has already started. I have experienced some positives so I hope into 2023 for some better days ahead. Only the future knows.

Christmas already

 

It would appear its Christmas time already and maybe has been for longer than I have been aware. I have not been getting out much so cannot say I have noticed until now. I don't have the radio on but my wife assures me the Christmas songs are in full flow already and Noddy Holder can start rubbing his hands with glee again. It was only the other day when out for a walk in the dark venturing further than normal that I first noticed the Christmas lights lining the main road. As I moved over the road and along I came upon the town Christmas tree fully lit. I have no idea how long it has been this way as I used to subscribe to a local news feed on Facebook but binned it when the news became more national that local like we don't have the BBC for that. I would then have read when the tree went up but without that I was oblivious. Still mid November seems a bit premature to be. 

Do people reach saturation level by the time Christmas Eve comes around? For kids this should be a special time but I cannot help think its being diluted by the prolonging of it. Something tells me this started after COVID when people wanted an extended Christmas to make up for the wasted one the year before and it has just continued from there. Its lost something I feel. Maybe not right now but I bet in a month's time it will feel like something most people just want over and done with.

To be honest I hate this time of year. I loved it when the kids were young and they appreciated lots of boxes of cheap toys with lots of extra presents from relatives. Its different days now and has been for some time. The first signs were when the oldest hit High School and started noting what other kids were getting and more importantly what she was not. Her sister followed and every year we were made to feel more and more inadequate for not being about to spend hundreds on the latest Iphone or Ipad or Iwhatever. Social media of course is a big part of that. Rich kids use it to show off their loot on the big day and the night before they now show off Christmas boxes filled with gifts so they don't have to wait for a sleep to get gifts. It is all expense from the gimmicks employed each year to empty our pockets to the bright garish flashing lights outside people's homes as they compete to be the best at celebrating Christmas. Social media has soured Christmas for me but "progress" has not helped either. When the kids were small we could bulk up their pile with DVDs, CDs and books as well as other things- computer games as well. Now its all digital and what is left to hold in the hand is as tiny as it is expensive so there is no pile and what lies beneath the tree looks wholly inadequate.

I know there is a lot of good to Christmas and I do miss those days but maybe I just have to accept that it is part of life. It was probably like this before the kids came along. Now at Christmas there is no visiting family like we used to do mostly because of my agoraphobia and that has led to many a Christmas spent alone leading to further resentment. This year though will probably be the least Christmas of all. Usually my wife takes the kids up North to her dad's house but he is spending this year down south with her sister and her family. On top of that even if her dad was not going away it looks like my wife will be having to work over Christmas so it going to feel very strange indeed. And maybe that is why I feel a little annoyed at seeing Christmas brought forward because to be honest I don't want to think about it right now. I shouldn't have to think about it for at least another couple of weeks but alas already as I sign of I can already hear Mariah Carey calling out.  

Off the grid

 

Finally we are back on the grid after falling off for a week out of the blue. It is amazing the things you take for granted in this modern age until they are gone. I like to think I can do without technology and find ways to spend my time elsewhere but it turns out I suffer the same seperation anxiety as everyone else when I am expelled from the matrix. That is circumstances at the moment for sure. A few years ago I could easily have sat and read a book all day and enjoyed it whereas at the moment I feel constant agitation and no enjoyment in reading. It has become a chore. But my main escape was the outdoors. Having overcome the vast chunk of my agoraphobia I liked nothing better than to just head out for a few hours and get back into the outside world whatever the whether. At the moment just getting around my block is hard enough and mostly I am leaving it until quieter times so I feel more hemmed in. The day the Internet died I found the first few hours in particular very hard indeed. I am used to typing things out to deal with them and now there was no way of doing that. I forgot my Chromebook relied on an Internet connection and without one it was as good as dead to me. 

Anyway one day the Internet stopped and a few hours later it come on. Then it went off. Then it came on. Then it slowed down until it eventually stopped and just when it looked like it was gone forever it popped up about 48 hours later but at a snail's pace. Now this is the hard part and most frustrating part. Knowing that it is a bit of kit that is at fault is all well and good but trying to convince BT of that is another thing altogether. I remembered back to the time we made the switch from Sky to BT and the week without Internet trying with all my might to convince countless people in countless places that it was the line that was at fault and having to go through scripts that were futile. We had two boxed I think sent which I knew would not work and didn't. Finally they sent out an engineer and within a minute he said the line had not been patched in- something we were told over the phone had been done. Frustrating. I had no appetite for that again so my wife instead cancelled out Broadband and we went with someone else. 

Finally we are back online after what was a very long week for everyone. It should have been an opportunity to take a welcome break away from technology and find something else to do but unfortunately it wasn't. It was paying for for more 4G than normal and watching the clock. Sad really but that is the reality for most in modern life. 

Groundhog Day

I seem to have found myself in an endless loop going back to the middle of August in relation to having panic attacks at home. There is a pattern to it mostly but it does occasionally deviate depending on intensity and outside factors. At its most basic level though I wake, at some point a daily situation arises that causes panic, I go through it and then I am fine for the rest of the day. I sleep and the next day I go through it all again. Loosely that is it. I could add in more. The bit about I panic, go through and I am fine happens but more often that not that happens two times or sometimes three. Also just as a filler from waking to the first panic is apprehension over the incoming panic- anticipatory anxiety. Ironically it is this apprehension which actually causes the feared outcome and then it happens again sometimes and finally some how it stops- the body no longer fears danger so no longer sets off fight or flight. And that is how it should work for recovery. This is the process. But that should be it from start to finish and then at the end there should be no fear so no panic to come. Instead though I wake and I am back at the start again.

So it is very much like Groundhog day in that respect. It is tiring. In time it will pass but right now I feel so drained by it. And although it will pass it won't be overnight. It will take time. It will probably take months. It is not a case of overcoming it but getting used to it because it is a daily thing and when I am used to it then it holds less fear and so stops happening. That is the theory at least but from here it looks a long way off in the distance.