Worrier

Anxiety stems from worry. Have I always been a worrier? Is this what brought on the anxiety and the subsequent panic? Or is the worry a product of the years of anxiety? I don't know. Its a chicken and egg situation. What I do know though and what is becoming more and more apparent is that I am a worrier right here and now. And that would be OK. Worry is not a bad thing. But my worry is excessive and it is prolonged. There is that. But maybe even worse than that is the catastrophising that I have become an expert in and I am so profficient in the art of thinking the worse that it is an automatic reaction now. Before I can even compute something my mind is writing my life's latest disaster movie which is more catastrophic than the last which is usually just 2 minutes prior. I am reminded of that Commercial Union advert from yesteryear: we won't make a drama out of a crisis. Except it is never a crisis or at least until now it has never been. 

As I said a few posts ago we have been having problems at home with moisture and mould. I am getting on top of it. Slowly but surely I am getting on top but it is a constant battle at the moment. Anyway the kids' room needed work today and I did that and came out giving myself a pat on the back feeling like I had done something worthwhile- I try to do something of note each day however little. And I came into the living room and went to the window and looked out. Horrible day. Dark and wet and rainy and cold. I turned around and for whatever reason looked up and there was something that was not there before. A mark or a stain. What is that? 

It doesn't matter. I found three more. That was about tea time. The rest of the night was a write off. In my mind it is water in the loft. I cannot get up there at the moment. My head went from a small stain to the ceiling opening up and water gushing in. From there it was where to stay while work was carried out to fix it. It was the cost of fixing it. It was what to do if the damage could not be fixed. It was a million and one dark rabbit holes I was diving down. Some of it came from other places. The cold snap followed by the quick thaw led to burst pipes. Our downstairs neighbour had a ceiling leak and the guy above was away so the fire brigade had to come out and kick in the door to turn off the water. I was out talking to them and one of the guys was saying they were all over the place that day with burst pipes. As well as that a family we are friendly with had a burst pipe above them too and they had to spend a night in a hotel then got moved to a different above while work is carried out. So there is some reasoning to it but it is still thinking the very worst when its most likely not going to happen.

This is what causes panic attacks. It is the over the top reaction to the slightest thing that sets off the alarm bells that leads to the fight or flight system being activated. It is the irrational jumping of conclusion from minor concern to major incident. It is wanting to be the warrior but instead being the worrier and the disappointment that brings. It is an almost constant din and inner wailing that I cannot seem to quieten. It wasn't always there but it seems to get worse rather than better. I cannot seem to accept that which I cannot affect and that causes agitation because I know its stupid but its such an automatic process now I cannot seem to stop it and challenge it at source. I am a worrier but I wasn't always a worrier so if I can sway one way then I can surely sway the other way in time. It needs a shift in attitude.  

Bah humbug!

 

Not a popular sentiment I know but I have to say it: I hate Christmas. I didn't always hate it and maybe it just this year in particular but right now I just want to get it out of the way. Its a mssive expense at a time when everyone is striking because they don't have enough money, more people are using food banks than ever and power bills are rocketing out of sight. Every purchase is shrinking but the cost is snowballing- a grand for a phone! You give things people don't always want and recieve things you don't always need- or want either. And yet with social media there are always those showing off their wealth  and their boxes of presents for the kids and grandkids and all the rest. You go outside and there are houses lit up like a lighthouse probably using enough power to run the whole street. Wherever you look there are things to make you feel inadequate at this time of year.

People only want to see one side of Christmas. They don't want to see people taking out loans they cannot afford to keep up with rest. They don't want to see people cold, hungry and homeless outside while others are inside and warm getting stuck into a big turkey with all the trimmings. But I know for a lot of people it is not about that. For some people its about going to church and the social side. Its about families getting together. Its about the happy faces of young children opening up a present. It is a real mixture of things depending on your circumstances. Its not all bad but its not all good either.

For me though, as I said, I just want to see the back of it. I've spent more money than I should have and I know the kids are going to be disappointed with what they find. And that will be compounded later when they are on their social media and see what other have gotten. Its shouldn't be about material gains but it is in the same way that Easter is all about the chocolate eggs. If it were not then no one would give presents or eggs.

Anyway sorry to be such a downer but the world has gone to pot at the moment and it feels like so many people are struggling financially at the moment and Christmas is the last thing they need too. I don't think I am alone in that respect or maybe I am. Maybe I am the only Scrooge in the village. 

A big part of how I feel this year is down to this year being very different for other reasons. Usually at Christmas we get up, kids open their presents and then my wife takes them up North. Its been like that for as long as I could not go. This year though my wife and oldest daughter are working in the care sector so need to work Christmas Eve, Christmas day and boxing day so it doesn't feel very much like Christmas at all. They are not just working a few hours either but out at around 7:00 then home around 22:00. So for them it really is not Christmas at all. And the same goes for the younger two who will no doubt feel like something is missing come the big day. 

Aside from the grumping I do hope many people do have a merry Christmas this year of all years. Especially the kids. 

Snap

 If you listen closely then you will hear the sound of palms rubbing together. For many its to keep warm in this cold and depressive period. For an elite few though it is the rubbing the hands with glee and as a cold snap means their banks balance is escalating faster than those old electricity meters used to whizz when you turned on the hot tap. Energy bills doubling and trebling and spiralling so the select rich can horde even more piles of cash with billion dollar profits and gigantic bonuses. Its not just the poor that are feeling the pinch of the energy crisis but those better off financially too who have bigger homes and require more heating and light. Its not just the homes but the businesses from the small individuals to the bigger establishments. As if things were not bad enough with the cost of living and energy rises heading to Christmas then a cold snap appears to really darken the mood. Expected at this time of year of course but that doesn't make it any easier to accommodate.

It is a dilemma. You sit freezing under a duvet with a water bottle and still the end of your nose and maybe your hands are like ice. You want to "take the chill out the air" with an hour's blast of the central heating but you also in your head the bill coming through the post and the regret felt that you did not just keep that heating off. You see your kids shiver and give in preferring to ease their suffering and take the financial hit later. But spare a thought when you are cold for those in Braemar experiencing -17 degrees overnight and parts in the area without power for days. At least we have the option of heat.

There is though another part of me that questions my thinking when I remove the anger directed towards the fat cats in power who are obviously rigging the pricing- it is no lose for them and all big gain. I think to myself: how did it come to this? How for years and years did we not have to worry about putting on the heating in winter but now its a major issue. And by "we" I mean the collective "we" of all of us in that situation. It suggests a decline but is it? Is it more a case that we have gotten used to too many creature comforts. For example I remember when young sitting comfortable on the sofa and getting annoyed at being told to get up and switch the TV over. Remote controls came to take that problem away and then when even pressing a button got too much we developed voice activated control. And heating is the same. When I was of school age I remember being freezing in the morning walking about with a cover over me and praying someone would put on the electric fire. It never happened, or rarely, because of the costs. At best we got the light and its orange glow to give the impression of warmth. Is that any different from now? And it was worse then because most homes were only single glazed and draughty unlike now. Maybe we now expect too much. It is possible. There is that expectation on one hand but there still is on the other hand that very reasonable expectation that we would hope energy companies would not hold us to ransom but that feels very real at the moment in this cold snap.

Fifty One

 

On Saturday I turned 51 years old and it was the hardest birthday to day. Still my anxiety is very bad and still I am not anyone in on the secret. To my family I am struggling again with agoraphobia but trying to overcome that with CBT and walks like I did previously. They know nothing though of what is going on indoors inside the 4 walls of the living room where I reside and inside the 4 walls of my head. And so it was i was first up sitting on my own with dread building over the coming events. Something so simple yet so hard. The giving of presents and a card. A lovely thing but to me a situation where I had to stay in one place and not leave even with panic building or in full flow. I can't even remember how long I was alone but every minute felt like an hour. You see my wife had planned to go up north with the kids and so I knew at the end of it all I would be alone where i could at least deal with any panic out of view. An act she was apologetic over but that I was thankful for. Since my father in law's stroke my wife and her sisters have been taking turns to look after him so it was her turn to go up. Something I was completely fine with. The alternative was us all just sitting at home anyway doing nothing much and getting a take away later. 

Anyway the lead up from all being up until wife giving me me card and present was worse than I imagined it to be. I did not panic which ironically was the problem. If I'd had a panic attack it would have lasted 20-30 minutes and then after I would have been fine. Instead it was constant tension and agitation and restlessness that was driving me up the wall. It was a prolonged state of apprehension. My body was waiting for the inevitable panic and because it never came and because it assumed it was inevitable then the process just kept going on and on. It was horrible to be honest. So when it came to present time I could feel panic starting to rise. I'd had enough. I felt so uncomfortable and just wanted to be alone and was sitting with a bag of presents and four members of my family sitting waiting on me. Something happened. Something strange. All the tension eased off and all the anticipatory adrenaline flushed away. All of a sudden I felt "normal" again. So i opened my cards and my presents and was very appreciative for being spoiled more than I deserved. And I remained in that state of normality until they left a few hours later and on into the night alone sitting with my take away watching TV until lights out. The hardest birthday in many ways and yet one of the best in the end and certainly one of the most rewarding as I could not have appreciated the kindness more had I not had that anxiety leave me like that.

On reflection that is how things have been going of late. In the past two weeks I have actually only experienced one panic attack. This is a massive improvement from August to October when not only was I having one per day but sometimes up to three per day. Draining and horrible. I am not jumping the gun but I am hoping things are improving on that front. But I do have to say in place of panic is this prolong period of dread which to be honest is expecting giving I was having daily panics and so my body is still expecting them at home in the company of even my family. I am wary because I did go a two week period of no panics in October and then as soon as I had one it was back to dailies and they hit harder in the beginning because I had gone so long without one.  I can only just stick to the CB that helped me last time and hope that in time they do settle. I do though still feel vulnerable to them. 

I am hoping the second year of my fifties is better than the first. I was so full of optimism this time last year with good reason but that bout of COVID19 in February seems to have set me right the way back to the start at a time I was pretty sure I was going to finally get out of this mess. I need to accept that and know that from further down the ladder now there is more room to climb in this coming year and that has already started. I have experienced some positives so I hope into 2023 for some better days ahead. Only the future knows.

Moisture

 

Out home has been getting progressively more prone to build ups of moisture and it is driving me to despair. Its been there over the last five years or so. Maybe its been there longer. But over the years it has gotten progressively worse to the point a few years back I could no longer ignore it. Thankfully what I feared was damp turned out to be mould and after some Youtube videos I was able to clean, treat and repaint the affected areas. This year in particular though it has cranked up a few levels and its a constant job to keep it in check.

It started with the the windows. We were finding condensation on our windows every morning and would wipe and dry them. The moisture increased and so my wife bought a Karcher window cleaner to deal with them and it did. But in this last year although it still work sit is no longer condesation on the windows but a soaking and on the sill a puddle of water. We have tried ionisers and all sorts without any success as I think the moisture too much. The obvious solution is to keep the windows open but its bloody freezing so that is not an option. That is a daily morning routine but it can also be repeated multiple times a day. The window cleaner used to be emptied weekly but now its two or more times a day because there is so much water. 

Of course this has brought on mound and again I treat it but now I am finding water droplets on the ceiling near the windows because the air is so full of water. We have taken measures like reducing drying clothes in doors and ensuring the bathroom door is shut during bathtime but still the build up is incredible. And because the ceilings are wet I am now having to wipe those down every morning and cannot repaint because they are never dry. 

The summer will no doubt clear things up and put off the problem for another year. I am though beside myself trying to work out what is going on. I have spent many hours researching the problem without success. There is something nagging at me though telling me its the loft. At the moment we cannot get up there because you access it through a cupboard and that cupboard is full. A while back someone came and put new insulation in and I remember a few weeks later when I went up it was wet and hot. They were supposed to come back to put in some sort of ventiliation but never did. I need to get up there but also dread what I will find. Something for another day I suppose. For now I'll just keep treating it. 

Christmas already

 

It would appear its Christmas time already and maybe has been for longer than I have been aware. I have not been getting out much so cannot say I have noticed until now. I don't have the radio on but my wife assures me the Christmas songs are in full flow already and Noddy Holder can start rubbing his hands with glee again. It was only the other day when out for a walk in the dark venturing further than normal that I first noticed the Christmas lights lining the main road. As I moved over the road and along I came upon the town Christmas tree fully lit. I have no idea how long it has been this way as I used to subscribe to a local news feed on Facebook but binned it when the news became more national that local like we don't have the BBC for that. I would then have read when the tree went up but without that I was oblivious. Still mid November seems a bit premature to be. 

Do people reach saturation level by the time Christmas Eve comes around? For kids this should be a special time but I cannot help think its being diluted by the prolonging of it. Something tells me this started after COVID when people wanted an extended Christmas to make up for the wasted one the year before and it has just continued from there. Its lost something I feel. Maybe not right now but I bet in a month's time it will feel like something most people just want over and done with.

To be honest I hate this time of year. I loved it when the kids were young and they appreciated lots of boxes of cheap toys with lots of extra presents from relatives. Its different days now and has been for some time. The first signs were when the oldest hit High School and started noting what other kids were getting and more importantly what she was not. Her sister followed and every year we were made to feel more and more inadequate for not being about to spend hundreds on the latest Iphone or Ipad or Iwhatever. Social media of course is a big part of that. Rich kids use it to show off their loot on the big day and the night before they now show off Christmas boxes filled with gifts so they don't have to wait for a sleep to get gifts. It is all expense from the gimmicks employed each year to empty our pockets to the bright garish flashing lights outside people's homes as they compete to be the best at celebrating Christmas. Social media has soured Christmas for me but "progress" has not helped either. When the kids were small we could bulk up their pile with DVDs, CDs and books as well as other things- computer games as well. Now its all digital and what is left to hold in the hand is as tiny as it is expensive so there is no pile and what lies beneath the tree looks wholly inadequate.

I know there is a lot of good to Christmas and I do miss those days but maybe I just have to accept that it is part of life. It was probably like this before the kids came along. Now at Christmas there is no visiting family like we used to do mostly because of my agoraphobia and that has led to many a Christmas spent alone leading to further resentment. This year though will probably be the least Christmas of all. Usually my wife takes the kids up North to her dad's house but he is spending this year down south with her sister and her family. On top of that even if her dad was not going away it looks like my wife will be having to work over Christmas so it going to feel very strange indeed. And maybe that is why I feel a little annoyed at seeing Christmas brought forward because to be honest I don't want to think about it right now. I shouldn't have to think about it for at least another couple of weeks but alas already as I sign of I can already hear Mariah Carey calling out.  

Green

  

This is not a political broadcast on my behalf. Its just something that keeps bothering me and I feel the need to get it off my chest. And this post is how I see it from what I have seen and read. I am by no means an authority on politics and I am pretty sure there are many who could shoot holes in this post with very little effort. I don't take a great interest in politics but enough I feel to have some sort of opinion.

I was listening to a lady on the radio a while back talking about her daughter voting for the first time in the last Scottish elections. Her daughter voted the Green Party- in Scotland that is the Scottish Greens which is a completely different entity to the UK Greens it should be said. I can understand young people voting that way. This is the world they are inheriting. This is a big deal for young people. I watched the Greta Thunberg series on BBC and she is a remarkable young woman with a lot on her shoulders. It angers me when I hear cheap shots and negativity towards her. That is inspirational. Some young in Scotland would not like to admit it but I am sure she does sway their view. 

Anyway this young girl was proud to have voted Green in the election but shocked later to find her vote for the environment was being used towards a mandate for Scottish independence. She was not wanting that. So what does a young person concerned about the environment do with their vote if they are not a separatist or nationalist or both? In an old bag I had flyers from the last Scottish elections and that is the Green one again. As you can see no mention of independence apart from the one line about securing a future as an "independent European country".  Is that not a contradiction? And where have I heard that line before? 

This bothers me but more bothers me. The environment is a massive issue for the young people all the way up to the old in the shape of Sir David Attenborough. Only one party on Scotland represent those issues. But this party has of late given the environment a backseat while it pushes its agenda for Scottish independence. Were that not bad enough one of the co-leaders was calling for the abolition of the Monarchy. Green party? Its scary because their party name does not do what it says on the tin. They are a front for nationalism using people's very real concerns over the world environment as a mandate for turning Scotland into Ireland which is the most Green I suppose. 

Anyway I may be wrong but if I am not I would hope real environmentalists would pick up the mantle and create a proper environmental party to challenge them as I fear it could create a backdoor to independence for the UK. Why they want to be apart from the UK but still ruled by Europe is something else I don't understand but probably the most bemusing thing about that is what it has to do with a Green party.  

Off the grid

 

Finally we are back on the grid after falling off for a week out of the blue. It is amazing the things you take for granted in this modern age until they are gone. I like to think I can do without technology and find ways to spend my time elsewhere but it turns out I suffer the same seperation anxiety as everyone else when I am expelled from the matrix. That is circumstances at the moment for sure. A few years ago I could easily have sat and read a book all day and enjoyed it whereas at the moment I feel constant agitation and no enjoyment in reading. It has become a chore. But my main escape was the outdoors. Having overcome the vast chunk of my agoraphobia I liked nothing better than to just head out for a few hours and get back into the outside world whatever the whether. At the moment just getting around my block is hard enough and mostly I am leaving it until quieter times so I feel more hemmed in. The day the Internet died I found the first few hours in particular very hard indeed. I am used to typing things out to deal with them and now there was no way of doing that. I forgot my Chromebook relied on an Internet connection and without one it was as good as dead to me. 

Anyway one day the Internet stopped and a few hours later it come on. Then it went off. Then it came on. Then it slowed down until it eventually stopped and just when it looked like it was gone forever it popped up about 48 hours later but at a snail's pace. Now this is the hard part and most frustrating part. Knowing that it is a bit of kit that is at fault is all well and good but trying to convince BT of that is another thing altogether. I remembered back to the time we made the switch from Sky to BT and the week without Internet trying with all my might to convince countless people in countless places that it was the line that was at fault and having to go through scripts that were futile. We had two boxed I think sent which I knew would not work and didn't. Finally they sent out an engineer and within a minute he said the line had not been patched in- something we were told over the phone had been done. Frustrating. I had no appetite for that again so my wife instead cancelled out Broadband and we went with someone else. 

Finally we are back online after what was a very long week for everyone. It should have been an opportunity to take a welcome break away from technology and find something else to do but unfortunately it wasn't. It was paying for for more 4G than normal and watching the clock. Sad really but that is the reality for most in modern life. 

Groundhog Day

I seem to have found myself in an endless loop going back to the middle of August in relation to having panic attacks at home. There is a pattern to it mostly but it does occasionally deviate depending on intensity and outside factors. At its most basic level though I wake, at some point a daily situation arises that causes panic, I go through it and then I am fine for the rest of the day. I sleep and the next day I go through it all again. Loosely that is it. I could add in more. The bit about I panic, go through and I am fine happens but more often that not that happens two times or sometimes three. Also just as a filler from waking to the first panic is apprehension over the incoming panic- anticipatory anxiety. Ironically it is this apprehension which actually causes the feared outcome and then it happens again sometimes and finally some how it stops- the body no longer fears danger so no longer sets off fight or flight. And that is how it should work for recovery. This is the process. But that should be it from start to finish and then at the end there should be no fear so no panic to come. Instead though I wake and I am back at the start again.

So it is very much like Groundhog day in that respect. It is tiring. In time it will pass but right now I feel so drained by it. And although it will pass it won't be overnight. It will take time. It will probably take months. It is not a case of overcoming it but getting used to it because it is a daily thing and when I am used to it then it holds less fear and so stops happening. That is the theory at least but from here it looks a long way off in the distance. 

Stick to the plan

When I make 1 step forward and 2 back there is usually a good reason for it in hindsight. I just wish I had the foresight to stop making the same mistakes. I have a plan and it is a plan that got me well before. It is simple but effective if I stick to it. In essence I tick two boxes Monday to Friday- a walk and CBT. On the weekend I have 1 more walk. That is it in essence. Within that I have two realistic goals in regards to walks that I try to achieve each week but I don't beat myself up if I cannot do them. One goal is distance and the other is location. So far having completed 4 weeks I have achieved 7 of my 8 goals. That is fine. And when I do not achieve a goal I set the same goals for the following week. When I do achieve them I increase the following week's goals enough to move on but not enough to keep failing. It is a simple plan. A tick for CBT, a tick for walking and allowing time to pass. 

Within those goals are perimeters I work to which best serve. For example going for a walk in the dark when its quiet at 21:00 or thereabouts I do much better that 9:00 rush hour in daylight. It stands to reason. So I do the former and try to stick to that. My hope is that when I have the distance at a big enough level I will start to reduce the time of day for it by half an hour to an hour each time. 

Not sticking to the plan sets me back 

No solace in slumber

Sleep is the one place I should be able to escape the nonsense of my waking reality. Mostly I am OK there unless a nightmare occurs involving panic which happens from time to time. It used to be what I craved but now I am growing wary of it. In the past couple of months I've been woken by panic. It was very sparodic and not enough to concern myself but in the past few weeks it has become more of a problem. It is related to the stomach. I think all of my panic of late is having an adverse effect on me physically and its not the first time as the same thing happened in 2009. I shut my eyes and like a lot of people I do not drift off straight away. Sometimes it can take getting up and doing something and trying again later. As a consequence I have found myself staying up later and later but its no good because I still have to get up at the same time. Or at least I used to. Of late , as I said, I have found myself waking in panic. And when I do I am usually up for the duration. That could be anywhere between 4:00 and 6:00. Hard enough but in a flat its very difficult because I have to be quiet and even running the tap to get water can disturb at those hours as is flushing the toilet. And I cannot have a light on which is a real problem in panic because in the dark the mind races faster and its harder to cope with.

It is a cycle and in time it will sort itself out. In time as I pracriice dealing wtih panic and doing that better I will have less panic and when I have less panic I will have less phyiscal problems. From that I will sleep better and a fresher me can face panic better. And so on. When I am fresher and calmer I can walk further and when I walk further I do not panic as much close by like at the shops. It is all cummulative. I have been here before but I am having a hard time accepting it as I never thought I would be back here again after getting better. 

Therapy Allergy

 Not a real allergy but a mental one of sorts. Given my ever growing anxiety and panic issues I have been reaching for my CBT again as it served me well before. I know it can take me to where I need to go. The only problem is that in the early days, now, it feels like its doing more harm that good. Having to face the things I buried away is causing all sorts of anxiety problems. What to do though? If I don't do it then I will get worse but if I do it then I get worse short term but will benefit longer. No brainer but either way its a short term night mare and "short term" is a piece of string. It certainly won't be days, possibly will be weeks but could even be months. I feel drained and when you are drained it is hard to just put yourself straight back into it again. It feels like there is no respite.

Its good to talk

 

The old BT slogan of "Its good to talk" seems to be on my mind the past week or so because said mind seems to think the opposite. This is not new. Even in my better times this flared up. It may always have been there to some degree without me noticing it too much. Maybe what was once a minor iritation has been turned into a major agitation with the rushes of adrenaline I have experienced these past couple of decades. In fact I know it was always there but there is another reason I thought nothing of it and that was because the one situation I remember it I was not alone in that agitation. I am talking about feeling trapped in one way conversations by the way, I should have mentioned that. This is of course one I am subjecting the reader to at the moment but at least the reader can choose to stop "listening" without causing offence as I would be oblivious.

My Uncle Billy was the one. He was one of those relatives with a title that was not a true reflection of his relationship in the family tree. He was in fact my dad's cousin related by being the sons of sisters. So not my uncle but that is what we called him as there was no other title that fitted and to not use a title would have been too familiar for a child speaking to an adult family member. Anyway when I lived with my gran I used to dread him coming around and it was quite often as he didn't work and liked a chinwag. He also liked taking my gran shopping as he got a free lunch out of it and sometimes petrol money but that is another story. He was so laid back he was definitely horizontal as the saying goes and he had all the time in the world. So when he had you he did not let go. He wanted an ear and he didn't care who it belonged to. Usually it was about his holidays to America and it was delivered in excrutiatingly slow monotnous detail. He would go through each day, where he was, what he had for lunch, where he went next and so on. I used to be climbing the walls and it got so bad I started staying upstairs when he came around just to avoid him. I was not alone. Everyone did it. In the early days my gran would disappear to the kitchen to do something and I used to wonder why it took her so long. No one wanted to be the one who was landed with Uncle Billy because there was no escape. 

Right now in this week in particular I feel that trapped feeling amplified except Uncle Billy is long gone now. The source now seems to be everyone. As I said I have felt this even when I was doing well. Before my anxiety started we had a neighbour who was a female Uncle Billy telling me every detail of her shopping for example or what she did that morning. In fact the more I think the more I see there has been an Uncle Billy somewhere in my life. This recent crop started weirdly with another neighbour who lives in the flat that the original neighbour lived in. He is a lovely old guy but we have rarely said more than a couple of words over the past couple of years he has lived here because his hearing is so bad that he cannot hear what you are saying. That was until the other week when he stopped me outside as usual and captured me for about 15 minutes. He had gone private and I will spare the details I was not to just say he paid a lot of money to get his hearing back. So now he can have conversations and boy he can talk even if with his new good ears he hears but does not really want to listen. It was very much one sides. Then I felt it. The pang of panic- I am trapped, I need to get out of here. "I won't keep you". Good but still he went on and my agitation made me take a deep breath and start rubbing my hands and moving my feet back and forth. I needed to go and so I went rather abruptly but he didn't seem to notice and I have avoided him since. When I take the dog out I usually wait at the window for him to leave. I feel bad about it. Months ago I wished I could talk to him when I was not having daily panic attacks and now I can I need to avoid him. He has even resorted to puting notes through my door to tell me things like the one pictured above.

That I can handle. Its all the other stuff that has come along with it that is the big problem. 

The Queen

 Last week the Queen died rather suddenly and I think it brought a lot of shock to the land. As I said previously when Prince Phillip died I do not have any kind of opinion on the Royal family good or bad- except maybe for Andrew. But its strange when you are detatched and yet feel something quite strong. I did feel a great sadness when it was announced. My wife had the new channel on and at the time the updates were all about her ill health and her family en route to Balmoral. None of us knew she had died earlier in the day. Then Huw Edwards read out a statement and it didn't seem right at all. It was supposed to be an update on her condition, did her just say the Queen dies this morning? I shouted my wife who was in the kitchen to confirm it. And then I thought I heard him mention the King. What? But it was as I heard it. The queen had died hours before and the public were unaware as they prayed for her recovery and hence fourth her oldest son was not being referred to as Prince Charles but King Charles.

Its a surreal thing. I am 50 years old and I have only ever known a Queen of this land. There are people older than me who can say the same. Now we have a king. 

The Panic Cycle

 I have been doing my CBT every day for over 2 weeks now along with my walks but every day continues to be a challenge. From Friday the 19th August I have had at least one panic attack per day at home, sometimes several. Its not a good direction. And as expected it has brought with it a dread when I wake in the morning because I know that its coming. Strangely in some ways I am actually wishing it to come because although it can happen more than once in a day the usual way it plays out is to have one and then be fine for the rest of the day after. Its a feeling of just wanting it out of the way to get on with my day. 

It builds like a slow drip of adrenaline from waking and the uneasy sense of low level anticipatory anxiety creeps in. It dictates my day. I now have to leave my CBT and walks until the evening because doing them early was making me more anxious. It has been a very dark time I am afraid but at least this time there is hope. The CBT workbooks defintely help. I remember very well over a decade ago when this all started being afraid and in the dark not knowing what was happening to me and not knowing if I would ever get out of it. Now at least I know what I am experiencing and its just going to take time to change that daily situation. I am no longer wondering if this will ever end. I know it will, I did it before. It is just about learning how to deal with the panic attacks again so they don't overwhelm me and I have now managed that a few times. It is about learning a skill and practicing it until it is second nature. When that happens I will lose the fear and panic will stop happening.

Right now I am stuck in the anticipatory anxiety cycle. This is what makes a single panic attack a recurring panic attack. The first panic can be a one off- it is for a lot of people. For others the experience is so scary that the live in fear of another and it is that fear which brings the next one on. And so on, the self perpetuating panic cycle. For me on Friday the 19th I am experienced high anxiety which had been building for months. That day though it finally overwhelmed me and I went into full blown panic which knocked me for six. What to you do when you need to escape your own home? The following day the same thing happened and I had to walk for about half an hour outside trying to spend the adrenaline. And every day after it continues but there is some positivity even if it doesn't feel like it right now. Only twice since then have I been overwhelmed by panic. And better still I have had two days of bad anxiety lately but not panic. So there is some reason to be optimistic but it is hard to see that when you are spending your waking moments waiting to be terrorised by your own mind and body. 

Trepidation

 Trepidation- "A feeling of fear or anxiety about something that MAY happen". 

That is one definition that I read. While looking at synonyms I found alarm, dread, fear, fright, panic and terror. Along with that was an explanation that while all these words mean a painful agitation in the presence or anticipation of danger in the case of trepidation adds to the dread the implications of timidity, trembling and hesitation. That is enough to get on with I feel. There are plenty of words there that evoke stroke negative emotions like DREAD and TERROR. And I know all about them. I experienced them all over a year ago when I had financial difficulties. I woke each morning to early in the dark with a feeling of trepidation. It wasn't nice I can tell you.

But I coped. I coped because there was a reason for it. Eventually I had to accept the situation as it was out of my hands and there was nothing I could do to change that other than pray that I would get a stroke of luck. What happens though when there is no apparent source of this dread? What do you do when these feelings are there when you wake knowing its going to be a hard day ahead but you are now sure why? It happens and its very hard when you have gone a long spell being relatively OK then out of the blue every day is an ordeal. Unfortunately that is the case at the moment for me.

These are the times I was supposed to be getting better but for whatever reason I have gone backward and when I think I cannot go any further back that is exactly what happens. 

What a load of rubbish

 

Our main refuse bins sit outside full- a little less full now after removing bags from a neighbour who keeps filling our bins. The

Unexpected visitor

 I was lying out on the couch pretty relaxed reading a message from an old friend when I put my right hand down to rest on my leg and immediately felt a pain that made me wince. Right on the "karate chop" part of the hand. It felt like one of this pains which although very sore is fleeting. And that is what I expected but it didn't just go. Not only did it not go it got worse. It was like a hot searing pain and in instances I could feel it shoot up my arm. So fear sent my mind into overdrive. The thing I cannot understand is that I was sure it had to have been pierced with something and looked down at my short to see nothing. This is bizarre because of what happened next. 

The pain was a type I could not equate to anything else I remembered in my life. I could not identify with it so it caused fear because without a visible source and a pain I had not experienced my mind started running down lots of dark corridors. And more than that the pain had grown after a few minutes and did not feel like it was going to calm at any point. 

Electricity

 They tell us for the sake of the environment we should be swapping out our diesel and petrol vehicles for electric ones. It makes sense. The world is warming and I have not seen a bee or a wasp for months. Something is wrong. At the same time though they are bumping up the price of electricity so how can that work? And for anyone who mentions batrrels of oil prices and all the other excuses for these hikes I would equally ask the directors of these power companies just what their profits were last quarter, year or whatever. Its a fix. So if we want to held the environment and help aide the health of the planet we live on surely we have to take these fat cats to task first because without an affordable energy plan how can people really move to a move expensive mode of travel?

And then there are aeroplanes. No electric planes and plenty of harm to the planet. 

Dental

 My wife was looking through old stuff in a search for birth certificates when she came across the newspaper clipping above. 

Faces bare

 I don't know how long I had been in the shop the other night before it dawned on me that I was the only one wearing a mask. My wife would have been another but she has met someone on the way in and was outside talking to her. Up every aisle and across the my field of view faces were bare. Staff and customers alike getting back to normal. I removed my mask. I felt it was out of place. Are we back to normal? 

Missing out

 A long time ago now I worked my way through a workbook concerning ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy). On reflection I was very harsh. For a start this was a book written by two people who had gone to University and learned a craft, applied that to a certain field, constructed a belief in how best to help a specific condition, written a big self help guide to reflect that and gave it to me, and others, at no cost to anyone other than themselves who had to send it from the states. It cost me nothing financially and yet I wasn't very positive toward it. With some reason I have to admit there were things that annoyed me but overall there were may more positives than negatives to take from something that cost nothing. I wish I had not been so harsh. This was a work for these people that they had put a lot into with lots of good analogies and well written. 

Anyway the one part of the workbook that annoyed not just me but lots of people was writing your own eulogy. The idea being that when you see all the things you are missing out on it will make you want to do them. The reason this angered a lot of people is that they know exactly what they are missing out on. They know when they watch a travel program showing the beauty of Croatia on a stop off on a cruise or climbing in Nepal that as much as they would love to do it there is something always stopping them. They know it. They don't need a list. They don't need to ruminate on it but they do. They know if a loved one dies they have not seen for a while that they wished things were different so they could have visited them but again they know they cannot. Wanting to do something and not being able to do it is torture. This is why when people write about anxiety self help they need someone involved who has experienced it. You can have great ideas with an education but putting it into practice needs experience. No one who has panic disorder would recommend writing your own eulogy to help you push on. It pushes you back. You do not need to be reminded on all the things you have missed out on so far and will continue to miss out on. When everyone else says yes to a date and you have to be the one that always says no that in itself weights for days on your mind.

Example. My friends are meeting up 10 miles away. With all my heart I want to go. We are all 50 years old now and its about 5 years since I last say them. One friend nearly died, had a long rehabilition and yet still travels across Europe to come her and then drives to the destination. Get a grip. 10 miles. Just do it. Eulogy: while all his friends dined he stayed at home feeling sad and frustrated. Is that the kick up the backside? Does that push me through when I am in the car feeling like my brain is spinning in a washing machine and my air intake is so shallow I feel I am suffocating? Does it help when panic is so bad I am almost pleading with the driver to turn back and nothing is going to same me? Does it make me feel better when I sit alone churning over the shame of having failed to function yet again like normal people and instead let people down? Like an anniversary dinner I had to pull out of despite us both being dressed and ready to go. A wedding I ducked out of at the last minute. Like so many things.

Benidorm

 I cannot believe it is 30 years since me and 7 friends went to Benidorm on holiday. It doesn't feel like yesterday but it doesn't feel so long ago. I remember so many things about it. It was the first holiday I paid for myself.

Fear of the never will

 Emarassment is an emotion no one likes to experience at varying levels. There are those who take it in their stride or maybe even hide their reaction well. For others at the other end of the scale it can be devastated and leave an eternal scar. I have had my fair share, probably more than most. It could have been that time I was waving at a girl I thought was waving at me only to find she was waving at someone in another car. Or the time I got in a car full of strangers thinking they were offering me a lift when it was actually for the person who stepped in after me. The fact I remember them so vividly tells the mark they have left. I have tons of those going all the way back to my earliest memories. 

Today in the shops I was thinking about that. I spent the whole time there thinking I was going to collapse. I was sure I was going to fall down and make a prat of myself. With good reason too. Last night I got about two and a half hours of sleep before getting the boy up for school this morning at 7:15. The night before I managed just half an hour. That is not my normal and to be honest I have no idea why. Tonight I maybe need to have a stiff drink late on after a hot bath and let sleep take over. So there is that and there is this remnants of COVID which have meant I have not been out for a walk since overdoing it a few weeks back. 

I am a writer

 

I am a writer, that is what I wanted the response to be. Up until my 18th birthday it would have been I am a footballer. The question being of course: what do you do? In my first 18 years or 11-13 of them at least that dream of being a footballer was not my own. It was my dad's unfulfilled dream that he tried to live through me and then my brother. I thought I had it. I thought I was at least as good as those I competed against and one friend who went semi-pro. But I lacked the drive he had and that is what gets sportsmen ahead of the others. And later I came across people who were streets ahead and never made it. It was never to be and in hindsight that was probably a good thing. It wasn't my dream. I would have been miserable. And in truth in all the years I played football I was miserable without realising why.

One day I picked up a book by Anne Rice and read it out of boredom around 17-18 years old. I didn't expect to enjoy but I did. It was a book I had bought my mum for her birthday. So then I picked up another by Richard Laymon and enjoyed that too. Then I started buying books. I went from those horrors to different genres. Probably one of my best moves was joining a mail order club called QPD (Quality Paperback Direct) in which you got 3 free books and then had to buy so many a year. The reason it was good was sometimes I got sent the book of the month which was something I would not have chosen and although not always great it opened up so much more to me.

Reading did not want to make me a writer but it was part of it. I think it was "On the road" by Kerouac and all the books I read after. Not writing or reading but the freedom to go wherever. I wanted to travel- ironically. And at some point I thought travel writing was my perfect vocation. I envisioned a small bag over my shoulder and jumping on a train around Europe and other places to sit writing in my notepad about the scenes, the smells, the colours and the soundtrack to it all. The problem is I couldn't write. That was obviously a problem. I had scraped a pass in English and at one point been put in with the daft lads much to the dismay of one teacher. It was like my desire to play guitar. I tried so hard with that but in the end had to give up realising I just was never going to do it because I could only concentrate on one hand at a time. And if all that were not bad enough for a travel writer who could not write imagine one who could not also could not travel due to agoraphobia. The travel writer who cannot write or travel. I have become the complete opposite of what I desired to be. 

I am not a writer. I am not a footballer. As I outlined in a previous post I am not anything. I feel like I am just bobbing about in an endless ocean. I need to find a direction.  

Purpose

 In an open office a few years ago across the desk from a very nice lady who promised to hold my hand back to work I was deflated to be told I was basically useless. I spent about 5 minutes listing all the qualifications I earned and experience I'd gained only to be told it was meaningless. I was starting from scratch. I was sitting for over an hour of draining panic for no financial gain in the hope of earning again only to be told all I had done in life was for nothing. It was crushing to be honest.

The road is long

 A week on, more than a week actually, my wife and kids are still testing positive for COVID19. Thankfully the worst of the symtpoms are passed. The kids are well on their way but the cough remains and congestion with it. My wife and I however are finding it harder to shake. Definitely passed the worst of it but still not getting over it. Congestion, weakness, balance issues, sweats and so many more little symptoms still holding us back. My wife hates being off work but has just been signed off for 2 weeks. I don't have a workplace of course so I just need to get back to walking, CBT and all that but at the moment finding it hard. Not this week anyway for walks. Just taking the dog out is a chore on my breathing and leaves me a bit panicky after. Its like a really bad head cold. My ears are blocked and my head is too causing a sense of unreality and annoyance at having to ask people to repeat themselves constantly. Too long on my feet and I come out in sweats and feel the need to sit down with a weight pushing down on my shoulders. It will pass in itime. The worst is over. It just takes time. 

Positive

 Ive had a cough since a week ago but no other ailments. At the same time my wife had been feeling poorly and on Thursday took a Covid test which was thankfully negative. On Friday she took another and again it was negative, she went to work and while there she felt so ill she took another test. This one was positive. So she came home, cancelled her plans to go up north to look after her dad, went to bed and did not surface until Monday. Living in a small flat we feared the worse of course and that has proven to be the case. The boy had a ready bad barking cough over the weekend, younger girl had aching bones and oldest girl was strangely fine. I started to develop a cough and high temperature over the weekend too but it was not until Monday night that it really kicked in. My wife got all 3 kids to test on Monday. The younger two tested positive but the oldest girl was negative. I started to feel worse but did not take a test. 

Draught

 I was going to say something about Mohamed and a mountain but people tend to get offended at things like that even if there is no intent other than to provide an analogy. Anyway I do like a draught pint of lager and its been over 3 years since I last had one. Prior to that I had gone 10 years or more without one when my anxiety was at it worse. 

The stop start

 I really cannot seem to get going this year at all which is extremely disappointing given I hoped this would be the year it really does change. How long have I been thinking that? But this year its been more difficult that usual. I just cannot seem to get a run at it. 

Ten things

 In a flat with little space for storage it is perhaps criminal that one space is so full of junk that it blocks off the biggest storage space of all. That being a full cupboard with the only access to the loft. 

Magoo

 

I promised myself I would try to complain less unless there was something to complain about and to be honest there is nothing to complain about really. I do though want to say its been a very bad start to the year and doesn't seem to be getting any better. That said though I have to think relatively and although physically and mentally its been the worse start to a year I can remember its not been the actual worse start to the year. Two years ago my mother-in-law died in the middle of January. I remember in my younger days my uncle over the road died suddenly and unexpectedly aged forty at the end of January- on the same day as my son was later born. And on the boy he had his 14th birthday a few days ago which was cause for some joy and some head scratching as to where the time had gone. So in those terms its not been the worse start to the year but it feels that way. 

I won't drone on but I will just say the latest problem is my eyes. I've been having problems with them for the past  year or so but nothing to bother me much and temporary. Mainly its been very bleary in the morning and when I take the dog for a walk in the dark first thing the street lights are too bright. They are bright halos around the source. This lasts 20 to 30 minutes and after all is well. No problems. In the past week though they have got worse very quickly. They seem to be constantly blurry now making it hard to focus on anything that is not right in front of me. As well as that they are sore and nipping like hell at times. I looked in the mirror and was firstly surprised that even at that short distance there was no definition so moved in closer to see they are bloodshot. I keep having to rub them. My thinking is they are dry, they need lubrication. But even cooling the burning does not help the blurring. 

Most folk would go to the doctors- or maybe not. But that got me thinking. I think it was 20 years ago when something similar happened in the lead up to my anxiety problems. I was "normal" and working but problems were just starting. I felt lethargic all the time and felt off balance pulling to one side. I felt weak. I felt ill. And my eyes really hurt. One day I looked in the mirror and one eye had no white to be seen but instead placed by red. And I went to the doctors but my GP was not available so got a locum who was a female Turkish doctor and her time was obviously being wasted with this complaint. She prescribed eye drops and told me if it persisted to see an optician not a doctor. I used the drops, the redness came and went but the burning persisted. I don't remember any blurriness but then I wouldn't as it turns out. Finally I went to the optician for an eye test. That was done and the lady taking the test was appalled that I was driving about with such poor eyesight. It was only when I used glasses from there to drive to work and then didn't one day that I realised how bad they were. But there was also a problem and I cannot remember if it was an infection or just the eyes needing a clean. She told me I need to clean them with a bit of shampoo and water. That is as much as I remember but whatever happened the problem went away. Maybe not for good though as I remember a period after when I needed eye spray.

Anyway I went shopping and I decided to get a spray. I was wanting Actimist which I had used before but was astounded to find it is £12 for 10 ml. Shocking. Its basically just a water based spray. I decided to get the shop's own brand but although half the price it was still too much for what it is. So I am persevering with cold water chucked into my eyes and so far its made little difference. Anyone else would go to the optician again or maybe even just by the spray. If it persists I may have to do the latter because I cannot do appointments still. I may also shave my head. I get the feeling my hair could be a problem too. Its too cold just now to shave it though even with a woollen hat. This week has been freezing. The sods in charge of rigging our power bills have brought in the hike just in time for a cold snap. My only saving grace is I might not be able to make out the charge when it arrives if these eye problems persist. 

Further sky tales

 

The day after my last post about strange celestial things something else happened from that part of the outside. If proof were needed that I am a drama queen deep down or skittish at best this incident best describes it. I was lying on the sofa reading a book and the boy was stretched out on the other sofa with his headphones on playing a game. All very serence. The silence was broken by the sound of what I first thought to be a go kart going extremely fast over the gravel outside. It didn't distract me too much. Very quickly though it was drowned by the nasally whining sound of something very high pitched getting louder and louder and louder. This freaked me. I thought I could hear metal ripping apart somehow and jumped up in panic. In all honesty my first thought was a plane crash. That was the sound in the movies when a plane is nosediving to the screaming of the whirring engines. I didn't know what to expect as I reached the window but something shot by- an aircraft. It was dark but not completely and so it was the light I saw rather than a shape. My heart instantly settled.

But the sound did not die down which was strange. That was until another shot past. Finally the sound did start to fade- quickly actually. Mind in overdrive again. Are they fighters being scrambled to an ongoing incident? Was one chasing the other? I started to think of the impending crisis on the Ukraine border and how I have read a few times of RAF jets having to warn off Russian vessels encroaching in our space around the isle. As always my mind runs amok.

The incident was given a place on the BBC website as I think it freaked out a lot of people as well as myself. It turns out they were US Air Force F-15s on night training. That is the story any way but to be honest I am not sure I am buying it as I have never seen fighters in the central belt that low. There is a video in the article taken by a member of the public but it does not do it justice. They don't sound loud and don't look like they are going fast but in real time it was very different.

So that was the little incident of the week which I am thankful for because otherwise I would have nothing to say really except this is the worse start to a year I can remember. I had a fantastic 4 day period of walks way longer than I expected after a long lay off about 2 weeks ago which really gave me heart for this year. But I have paid the price heavily for it. 2 weeks on I am in pain and not feeling great which will pass in time but really not much fun and not fair. I just want to get back into it again and start pushing myself out again. Instead for the past week at least I have been mostly indoors except for dog walks out the front and shopping. As I said though it will pass. Its given me a chance to read again which I am enjoying so I'll get back to San Francisco aboard the ship "Ghost" and rejoin Jack London's "Sea Wolf" which is one of my favourite books but its been 30 years since I read it so I cannot remember much. 

Celestial phenomena

 

When I was young I don't remember anything strange in the sky. Maybe that is my mind. My memories are of long hot summers of clear blue skies and winters white with greys at best in between those periods. Rain sure but seldom thunder or even lightening. These latter two were big things because they were rare events but the thunder never changed and the lightening was either sheet or fork. Sleet and snow and other little variations but always the same sun in the day and at night a full, half or quarter moon. Simple. Maybe it was always like that. I possibly never looked up much in my youth and teens but I was certainly mroe aware into my twenties and thirties. In the past decade though that simplicity has changed- visibly. Yes we get more information now but even if there was no Internet I would see and hear these thinngs for myself.

Scrambled

 

It has taken me fifty years to make scrambled eggs for the first time. In this case scrambled egg on toast. Five years ago and before that would not have been a big thing. I didn't cook. I don't really cook now but I do it more than I used to. I cook things from scratch which I would never have done in the past. I would love to cook more but we don't have a kitchen big enough for that. And you need that. Let us not kid on about that. You need a kitchen, all the utensils and money to buy all the ingredients. Frequently I will look up a recipe to cook something and realise a take away or microwave meal is a lot cheaper. The TV is full of programs about cooking. I remember watching the naked chef years ago but I was more fascinated with all the surrounded Jamie Oliver's life than the cooking itself. I never watched cooking programs at all as I had no interest in food. Food was a means to an end. I was never happier than when I got dinner out the way and not have to think about it. Yet now because my wife watches Master Chef frequently and Bake Off less frequently I find myself fascinated. But I could never do it. The truth is you don't see poor people on these shows. If you take the likes of Junior bake off for example how the hell does a poor kid get to make all these various dishes to fall back on? It doesn't happen. And I find that being more and more of a turn off if I am honest the older I get. I can't watch the Apprentice, Dragon's Den, Master Chef, the Repair Shop and all the other posh filled shows on TV that my wife laps up. I even find myself turning off Radio 2 which is the station I usually listen to due to someone calling in about going for the weekend to their holiday lodge in Snowdonia or crying because they lost £7k deposit on a skiing holiday in France due to Covid. I just find people having to tell you about their material gains nauseating in the same way as the same people have to tell you the names of all their pets when they recite a story concerning them as if it adds to the narrative. Of course if I had wealth I might not find my thinking running down the same pathways. But I am not and it does.

Anyway this is not about wealth, materialism or even cooking. It is about stuck thinking and the way it can cause anxiety in a way I assume is similar to OCD. I don't have OCD but I do find myself getting stuck in a thought loop brought on my anxiety which is iritating beyond reason. When I was at the shop the other night I got eggs, bacon and bread amongst other things to do for lunch over the week. From there I kept getting caught in a strange loop of stuck thinking. How did it start? It started with a thought about bread and eggs. I'll have thought for lunch. Toast with either boiled, scrambled or fried egg. Or maybe even French toast for a change. Boiled egg I used to love but I have gone off a bit and actually went off eggs completely for a bit. I used to love a pickled egg but the last time I had a jar I started to find the egg really rubbery and did not enjoy the 2 I had- chucked the other 2 out the window. There was something suggestive there which I think I knew without it being said. It was around the same time as my oldest daughter and wife stopped eating eggs because they had watched something online. Why would you do that? As a vegetarian my wife relied heavily on eggs. We used to enjoy a fried egg roll when we went out. Even now they both won't eat egg. And without knowing I think I know why and I assume that it was to do with an Asian delicacy I heard about later on a podcast but my mind will look no further than that. Even without actually knowing I found eggs a turn off. Slowly I have gotten back into them starting one day with French toast but keeping the egg soaked bread to a minimum. But not boiled as I still find them too rubbery, not scrambled as I was put off them a few years ago when my wife made me them laced with cheese andit turned my stomach. Not fried because I just didn't find it appealing. I'd have the egg at some point but for now I will just have bacon sanwiches. Done. Except for days I had that same conversation internally several times a day not realising it to begin with then getting really annoyed when I realised it. And always with the same outcome. And it means nothing. To anyone else its no biggy but it was really getting to me. 

Anyway in the end I had scrambled egg on toast as pictured above. It was nice enough, I did it more to break the loop than anything else and it did. I was reminded of a few times my wife and I went on long walks and ended in the Morrison's cafe eating the same dish. And it was nice enough. My other reluctance to it thought was the clean up. I don't mind washing dishes but I used to hate when my wife made the kids scrambled egg. I hated the texture or the loose bits and how it stuck to everything- scrubbing pads were ruined. A search told me to clean right away with cold water and that did help but still that is what will put me off making it again in future any time soon. To be honest I would rather walk to Morrisons and get a better version. Stuff made for you is always better. I am still not great with egg as I still know deep down why the other two have stopped without being told. Hopefully in time that will change. And in time I hope to start cooking more but apart from cost my family are so fussy its not worthwhile. Also with my wife being vegetarian it would mean a meat substitute in some cases. That is another weitd one. I made quorn enchildads one night for every one yet and all enjoyed except me who chucked them as I could not stomach eating a meat alternative. If someone had made them for me and not told me I would have eaten them no problem at all but knowing is different. I cannot get past those thoughts just like the ones about eggs. My mind is as scrambled as the eggs I fear. 

Adjustments

 

With the number of Omicron cases hitting new highs each day it seems a strange time for schools to return for the new year but that is what they done today. Mind you so far the bigger numbers are not seemingly not as bad as the hospitalisations which resulted from the Delta variant which is something at least. It has been said that this is not as much due to the variant but more to do with the amount of people triple vaccined or at least that is what I have taken from it but I have to admit I am not immersed in it. I catch bits by accident rather than seeking it out. I still not have been vaccinated which I also haven't tried to seek despite wanting it. I can't go to a vaccine centre and I think the medical people have enough to deal with so I stay away from people, wear my mask and wash my hands until that time comes. The kids have all had their first dose and the boy at the time he did became the youngest to do so in Perthshire. That is where the youngest two had theirs. The oldest went on her own to a vaccine centre out of town to queue on a cold Sunday morning which says a lot given she has a needle phobia. Fingers crossed this one passes more peacefully than the first strain which is still with us- I think. And despite how I started maybe it is better to get it out there. That though is easy to say when you have not been adversely affected by it. Many would wish differently.

Right now I am in a bit of an adjustment period from the holidays to getting into a routine. That was the idea at least. The past week I have not been doing much as I have been plagued by a stomach bug which is thankfully just past but I am still struggling to get started with this post viral lethargy which will take a bit of time to shake. So its a good time to adjust and plan and make that plan for the coming week. That plan is to start a new routine to stick to. I won't go into it but a bit of everything from shaving, dressing more smartly, a period for reading, period for CBT, period for walking and many more things. A routine to work to which I have never had since my working days. Having cereal and lunch for example. I think it will help. Its not something to record and measure but just do and feel inside if it helping. I expect sometime this year probably early the DWP routine to start again. I would love within all that to finally find an alternative- a work from home job or the like. Lots of hopes but I need more than ever to start putting these things into practice.

Its a new year, a new page. Time will tell.