A flush

If the system should become flooded with an unsettling substance then it stands to reason that this nuisance needs flushed out. In my mind its like the handle on the cistern- one big yank and whoosh! its gone. If not then all these foreign bodies just linger around unspent poking away for attention and running about manically like clog-wearing speed freaks at a 200 beat per minute techno rave on laminate flooring. This is what I feel is happening at the moment as I bob up and down feeling unsteadily in myself because my feet are not grounded to the floor. Unspent numerous chemicals I called upon unwittingly. Unspent, still partying.

These little seeds of demon juice are like latent tormentors abiding their time to strike at the right moment through the mind. The mind is already on early alarm setting going off whenever it can to tell me the drives that put me in this place are soon back on the horizon and if I thought I couldn't cope last time just how am I going to cope this time. The mind prompts me to rename the blog this blog with the a subheading to "Forever Anxious: My one hour privilege on the D-wing PC from Arkham Asylum. When the other day I was feeling incredibly jittery and agitated my mind decided that this old cocktail of turmoil was missing a little special ingredient and so sprinkled a little 'imagine though what it would be like with all this intense feeling driving you mad but then from some unforeseen force you became both blind and deaf. What then? You wouldn't be dead. You would still be very much alive but stuck with all this intense discomfort without being able to communicate it to anyone or even get the support in return. It would be a living hell. It would be undead anxiety hell. But no, wait. Lets take it further. Imagine you came through all that. Beat it all. Finally knocked this thing on the head and freed yourself. What then? Who would know? You couldn't tell anyone and if they did know they couldn't communicate it to you...". The mind would make an inquisitor feel mightily inadequate in its sadism when it gets a bone to shake. Quite the best.


There is a flush which some call 'the relaxation response', others call 'the parasympathetic nervous system' and others still make up there own names. Regardless it is the same thing. Its a feeling from high terror to the come down of relief. Its a calming. Its the brandy of novels when someone has had a shock. Its the haystack on the back of a cart mysteriously appearing as our hero jumps from the castle turrt to his doom and instead of a pavement pizza we find him even more mysteriously unearthing a young wench with said cart of hay.

It is though the thing everyone has felt countless times. Its getting up in the middle of the night assuming in the dark that your wife is still out for the count somewhere among that inkiness and then stumbling down the hall feeling for the bathroom light switch then somehow flicking it on by chance to find a figure sitting there in front of you where there should be none. Momentary panic to the level of terror and then quickly relief as reality kicks in- the flush. We've all experienced it. No residual adrenaline because its flushed almost as soon as its released.

All good. Everything works as it should. But what happens if the flush doesn't work? What if the fear does not reach a head or the relief is not found? In these cases there is the slow steady drip which mounts and mounts but never has the chance to be flushed because its never gets the chance to peak in a slow drip. And alternatively sometimes the flush just doesn't work. I look over recent panic and see its just not been happening for me. When I should be feeling the relief wash over me as the chemicals are washed out I just get nothing but a continuing high level of anxiety- yes, the school runs again. It makes me wonder whether the body just gets used to being in that state with that level of toxins and therefore sees no need for the good response to kick in.

This is what has kept me back from testing out my theory. My theory is that I should go and place myself right into panic and keep going and then when it is impossible to deal with escape in full flight like the UK and US towards a country in civil war abundant in oil and hope that I can get the flush to kick in. But I am held back because recently it has not kicked in and I would be left with more problems than I started with. Much like our old flusher which you have to speed yank to work and we still have not fixed yet. Much blushing of flushing admission there that the kids don't know how to flush a toilet- note to self to get that fixed, not me but someone who knows how to. Its been a while since I had a flush, back to anxiety, and so I am in a chemically induced state where no amount of breathing exercises or relaxation techniques are going to buy be some peace. I'm constantly in the state of boxer before the big fight or runner before the big race or even champion musical statues extraordinaire. Never at best while the chemicals flow freely.

But all this thinking came about from an incident 3 months ago. I walked my wife over to her work for a meeting with the boy but found it difficult so only went halfway. A mixture of fatigue and anxiety from fatigue despite in recent past walks 10 times as far. I was glad to be heading home when suddenly as I neared the door I was hit with flashback. In my mind's eye I saw me taking the boy out the door with my wife following behind, impatient bugger that I am I just wanted to be moving because my wife takes an eternity to shift, then I remember her locking up and taking the keys. So there I was locked out the house and in no fit state to walk over to my wife's work to try to get her out of a meeting. It was despair. To cut a long story short she appeared shortly after with the keys in hand and I was filled with a gratifying wash of relief- the flush. Where I struggled to walk halfway to my wife's work just 10 minutes earlier I now walked her right over and could have walked back and forth many times. The relief just cleaned out my system and freed me up. I needed the flush as I need it now. It took away all the bad things, cleaned it out like a big bottle of Mr Muscle.

Anyways I'm still in two minds. I know my comfort zone and know I will start to panic as I move out of it. I know how it will intensify with every step thereafter. Frustration though is building up in me again as well as a need to test out this theory with the proviso that if no big heavenly hand yanks the handle I have the small,er! big, print advising above why that may happen. The urge though is there to just do it. I'd do it right now if the streets were not full of social vampires of a Friday night like the flock of unread neds drinking from what my quick glance registered two bottles of Buckie- my wife and kids are catholic and this is what the god's Representatives on earth are feeding the docile in their masses and a box of Tennents lager I was met with as I stepped out the door tonight sitting on the doors of a church out of their faces. You have to laugh or you would go crazy.

It might just be that is what I have to do, or at least try, is to try running into this thing once again. I started by saying that is pointless but if I hit that relief switch then bingo- all my ills are eased. Because I think it has to be out of the ordinary panic to get the flush to kick in. I think the normal panic as bad as it is just doesn't bring it to the boil in the required fashion that there is any relief from getting out of it. So its something I am mulling over for now. The signs are good though. Licked finger up to the wind, a look of contemplation and then a big headlong run into panic at full flight and see where it takes me.

Coming down

'It's nerves,' said the inspector. 'You're in the wrong life, my friend. Your nerves aren't up to it...'
ALONE IN BERLIN
Hans Fallada

Poor old Enno Kluge. I could relate to him so much though that is maybe an unfair comparison to make given that my shaky hands are not the product of countless beatings while living in the difficult times that were Nazi Germany and I am not sitting on a pier knowing that I'm about to get a bullet through my head from the sneering Inspector Escherich. Oh and he is fictional of course- small note. But nonetheless those words by the inspector struck a chord. I'm sure they strike a chord with others. Wrong life right enough. Wrong time, wrong place- my nerves just are not up to it or at least no longer up to it because they were once.

The one thing I know from experience over the past few years is that continually running headlong with gritted teeth into a wall panic gets you nowhere. It does give a bit of satisfaction and an outlet for pent up frustration but the bad far outweighs any good. In the past though I have found this out in isolated incidents mostly and sometimes with a few in succession. I have reached the very edge of my comfort zone knowing I am already urgently required to retreat and under no circumstances should move at least an inch forward toward my self-made abyss then for unknown reasons have just thrown myself in. In the moment it is frightening and afterwards it is shattering. Sometimes you just need to do it. Maybe its just to feel alive. Maybe its just to say to this tormenting demon that the last say is with yourself. Whatever the reasons it is a short lived satisfaction. I know this and I think this is why I was dreading my school runs so much. My first worry was whether I had enough in me to last the three weeks and the other worry was just what state I would be in when it was finally over whether I completed them or not. I did complete but was it worth it? And this worry was based near the end of those runs because before the first I didn't even think I could get through one.

Three weeks of running headlong into panic came to an end but I could not breathe a sigh of relief because the same night as they ended my dad visited. Once my dad had wasted two hours waiting to pick up my mum at our house it was finally over and very quickly I started to go downhill fast. I think what happened is familiar to most who put themselves in this position of discomfort. We put up a dam to keep it all out and just get through the experience then when its all over the dam is not needed and all those repressed thoughts, emotions, feelings and all else come flooding in. Two weeks on its still happening. Nothing bad has happened and I have to say also when I can distract myself its not a problem but again that is a form of repressing and its still there waiting for me when I come back to myself.

Anxiety and panic are not nice, we know that. I can grumble but I am well used to putting up with them now. That is not what has been bothering me though this time around but something new that I am not used to. At first I thought it was the onset of depression. Having never knowingly experienced depression I only have my own perception of what it is like and what I experienced that last week of runs right up until now is how I imagined it be- however ill informed that may turn out to be. In fact I feared it in my wife on the occasions where she has been sitting and suddenly said she has felt this overwhelming urge to burst out crying but cannot understand why. I felt that, I feel that. But I am not sure if its a ruse. In the past few years I've had problems with my eyes and so periodically have to put in drops because they get very tired and dry- as diagnosed by an optician about seven years ago. And what I noticed was that this surge of sadness seemed to come after my eyes started watering rather than my eyes watering as a result of feeling sad. And to be honest I am not even sure if it is sadness because I cannot put my finger on it. It could even be that feeling of impending doom or just plain worry. Interestingly I did a search through my blog on 'impending doom' and was very intrigued to find that the first post I found citing it was a year ago last April and in that post I wrote that I had experienced it the April before. This confused me further. Is it a result of anxiety from school runs or just something cyclic I go through?

I can't put my finger on the sadness though. There is no reason that surfaces as to why I would feel sad. I don't actually feel sad but I momentarily get that reflex action like I am going cry then pull back- not consciously I think. But is that sadness? In me that may just be a product of intense emotion. I remember the same reflecx well standing in my boss' office after someone on the production line had been given a raise 2 months after he started taking him on to more money than me who was the one man skilled techinician testing and fixing all the products as opposed to putting components in holes and applying solder to them. The boss started with ' I hear your nose is about out of joint...'. The rise of anger overwhelmed me, my fist clenched, my chin wobbled and as I repressed the emotion to strike I thought I was about to burst out crying. The boss saw something, backed up with hands out and said "it's ok just calm down...". So maybe that reaction is a physical manifestation of emotional respression regardless of the emotion.

To add further distortion to the whole thing I read a comment from an old friend which was actually not that funny but sent me into fits of uncontrollable laughter. He's always been a cheeky sod and he posted a photo of himself to which a girl said he had a face that only a mother could love. He replied "that's rich coming from someone with a face like a Halloween cake". God knows why I found it so funny but it was more manic than joy. It felt less like happy and content and more like hysteria. I couldn't even tell my wife what I was laughing at because I couldn't speak and she ended up in fits of laughter too at me observing that she has never seen me laugh like that in years- i.e. pre-anxiety problems. And I haven't. I don't laugh out loud (LOL) much nowadays not in recent years yet I used to laugh lots. But what started off as feeling like a glimpse of normality again soon turned to fear that I was breaking down. So daft but there it is. It was fear of losing control but more importantly to note: Fear of something. In both cases the emotion I thought was the problem was not the problem in itself but the extra emotion I added to it was: Fear.

I was in two minds whether to post this or not but I don't want to censor my posting too much. Believe it or not I do actually do that already. I can only conclude that my emotions are very strong at the moment as a result of a prolonged period of anxiety and I am slowly coming to terms with it. When it all started I put too much emphasis on the actual emotions but now I am starting to see all emotions are magnified. As I have not experienced this before it has certainly spooked me and to some extent still spooks me. But its not a constant thing. It comes in waves though sometimes that wave can last days until I find a way to get on top of it- which I usually do.

Still I wait for the sun to shine knowing that what moods I can't lift with my own volition will certainly be lifted by being able to get outdoors more. But like all anxious times they will pass. If it is cyclic then they certainly passed in the past and disappeared from memory until I recalled them. This is something else I have been thinking about. These "episodes" feel like emotional memories. They feel rooted to the past and not anything to do with the present. And without a doubt I have learned in the past two weeks these things only occur when I am residing in my own head. On the few times I have been out or otherwise occupied they are at bay so I can't help thinking my habit of introspection goes a long way to sustaining these problems and until I get out of that habit the problems will continue to exist so must change that.

Lastly as dark as this post is please note in a month from now it will be a past event and I won't even be thinking about it. That is life. Its about dealing with the present as best as you can and making the most of it. They say you feel what you think and a more positive outlook on life for all of us would be no bad thing- well for me at least.

The week with dad

This week has been a bit out of the ordinary for the kids, well the girls at least. It has been a little closer to normality but not quite. A long way off actually as far as I am concerned but not for them. The only thing they missed was their swimming lessons. The youngest girl said "Can't you take us daddy because you can drive to the shops now. Its not that far away". Afraid not. Driving there not a problem but getting two of them changed and then hanging about for an hour and then changing to come back in the car is beyond me still. In other respects though its been a change. They showed their appreciation with the youngest writing me a note and the oldest drawing a picture which was supposed to me a photo complete with the back of the camera as a frame- unfortunately the resemblance is uncanny.

Thirty two drives back and forward to the school complete but still not getting any easier. There should have been one more but it didn't happen. The school called on Friday two hours prior to the last drive to ask my wife to come to assess the youngest girl. I suggested I drive and my wife just take both girls out but my wife insisted on going alone expecting a long wait and knowing that I would be climbing the walls. Turns out the youngest had fallen off a wall in the playground and banged her head. It still looks nasty but luckily its nearly all grazing rather than a bang. So my wife went and half an hour later came back with both girls- it was as she expected longer than I could have sat without fleeing.

As well as the school runs the boy also started nursery this week which was an additional run- and a longer wait. That created more panic than usual but again I toughed it out. I've yet to go inside but got as far as the doors. He's loving it. Above his is plant project where he looks after a plant for 4 weeks and we track its progress. Its also led to a "guess the size" game when it comes time to measure. The boy is as informative as his sister when asked asked about his day though he is only three. Every time his reply is: I went down the slide and said "Weeeeee...".

 As well as the drives the kids have been more interactive this week too. The oldest especially helping mum with the hoovering and little chores while mum still hobbles around in pain. And during the week helping me with yet another flatpack. She loves that kind of thing and I think she takes it after my dad- certainly not after me. So all in all its been good for the family this week but now a change because Easter break is here for two weeks and after that it will be like starting over again. All in all though I think the kids have enjoyed their week with dad- my dad gave them money on Friday to buy something from the shops and the oldest bought a packet of animal masks. A good week for all.