2015

With not a lot new to say I am finding myself not blogging much of late and instead popping in just as the month is about to close with a quick update. This is one of those. Two factors have played a big part in my lack of narrative at the close of the year: illness and weather. The weather has been unbelievable but for us it has been a spoiler rather than anything major as it has been for so many on this little island. A real tragedy at any time to be flooded but more so this time of year.

The other is illness. The boy was first. A couple of weeks ago I was called an hour after doing the school run to return again to pick him up after he was sick in class. The girls followed, my wife and then me. The kids are resilient. They were over it quickly but my wife and I have found it hard to shake it completely and we are not alone. At least not as bad as it was and expected this time of year. Its weird. I was at the window yesterday and there was an insect on the outside of the window. I saw a squirrel disappear into a tree the other day. Its so mild there is no snow and the water continues to rise.

Not a lot else has happened in the last month except I went from being 43 years old to 44 but because of the bug there was no birthday meal. The weather and shorter days has prevented alot of walks and drives and to be honest any desire for either. So its a slow cruise into the new year.

But this year of all years I really do need to look back. This time last year I would not have believed what lay ahead if someone had told me. I was making progress but still nothing like what happened this year. If it had been suggested I would get on a bus I'd not quite have believed it. On a train, no chance. I did both. A meal was a massive thing. Going to lots of different places I never imagined possible. Places I had not been in over a decade which were fast becoming vague memories have now been revisited. But by far and away the biggest of all was an overnight at a hotel with my family. Never ever did I think that was possible until the week before I did it. I haven't done it since and to be honest it was not enjoyable but its a step in the right direction.

This is the first year since before the kids were born, oldest now 12 years old, that I can actually look ahead with some plans. There is still a long way to go and even just keeping myself where I am is difficult to be honest but worth it. I should by now have made a list of resolutions. Every other end of year I have never done that as there seemed little point. I was so restricted. 2015 has proven that anything is possible. I hope 2016 can be at least as good and hopefully better.

Wherever you are I hope you and those you love have a great 2016.  

Stormy weather

My lack of posting has, very simply, come down to a lack of things to talk about. Its the weather. The last few years I have posted about the Christmas Fayre in the town but this year it was a washout. To their credit despite the storm they refused to cancel as other towns did but it was reduced to a small hall with some stalls which lost its allure very quickly. A shame but the weather is unusually bad for this time of year.

My youngest daughter asked why we could not go for a drive. No point. Rain, rain and more rain. I got so frustrated one day I took a walk alone through the woods in the rain and mud and soon found myself mid air with legs kicking to come down with a splash. The whole of one side of me was caked in mud and then the rain stopped. One day I was so soaked in a storm (Barney I think) that my waterproof boots were full of water and I had to take off my woollen had has it had become too heavy for my head and fallen over my eyes and so I had to carry it home cold and wet.

And with all this rain my camera stays at home. After my wife broke my little camera in the rain I am more wary of the wet and so the slightest bit of rain and my camera stays at home. For this reason I have not been taking any photos with anything other than my phone which is waterproof but has a poor camera on it. It has not made for anything worth posting I am afraid.

A short post, a check in. On the subject of falls I did have another fall which has made me rethink my adventuring. It actually followed yet another fall- I see a pattern emerging. I passed some council workers and while some were sweeping leaves one man had what looked like a push lawn mower but it was sucking up the leaves like a vacuum cleaner. It seemed a lot of effort and expense for leaves. When I was down at Bothwell Bridge strolling down the path and without warning was suddenly on my back. Leaves. Wet leaves to be precise. It has made me more cautious.

But this rethink came with a day when I decided to go off the beaten track. Now that I am in more control of my panic and not being dictated to as much as to where I can go I am inclined to take more risks. One of these risks was down an embankment to the river Clyde. It was a steep embankment but I got down fine to take some photos- on one of the dry days. It was only when I decided to climb back up that I had problems. I had to grab hold of a thick tree root above me to hold on to as I planted a foot to push myself up. Trouble is I was not looking down. I had put my foot on a rock covered in moss which skidded straight off  and there was a thud as my knee hit the ground and to top it off the shift in weight was enough to snap the root off in my hand and drop me on to my side.

Panic. I stood up and not only was my knee sore and throbbing but I could not put weight on it. I was at the bottom of an embankment I could not get back up and at least a mile from a road- if I needed picked up. And I had good reason to panic. I did not give into it though. Thankfully fairly quickly the feeling returned to my leg and although sore I could limp along the river bank. After about 10 minutes walking I found an area where I could climb up and finally get home. No drama in the end but it was a warning I feel to take a bit more care in future. I tend not to say where I am going when I go out because mostly I don't know until I get there. That is even more reason to take more care.

No harm done and judging by the weather there will be no more adventures until the new year. A quiet time ahead. We away the snow that has coated the north of Scotland but yet to make its way down here. Snow is good. Snow makes the world look different and that would be a reason to go out with the camera. For now we wait for the storm to pass. 

The road is long

Its a month since my last post and to be honest I felt the need to post just to say something rather than because I have something to say. Life is a journey and this recover is part of the journey for me. After years of looking on I suddenly started to move forward quickly and in the wave of adrenaline I thought I would just keep going. By now I expected to be applying for jobs and going East and West on the train and getting ever closer to the normality I once knew. But adrenaline is a short burst and it spends itself quickly. That is what has happened.. I have put my head down and sprinted and as the last ounce of energy is used I looked up expecting to see the end in sight but instead just seen more road all the way to the vanishing point.

I should say its not something to worry about. If I had started the year knowing I would be at this point then I would have been over the moon. At the start of the year it was all about a bus journey out of town and earlier this month with a sore back I would that few miles there and back. One time not so long ago I could not walk the half mile to school and yet the first week of this month I walked 40 miles. Its actually crazy progress after so long in limbo and exciting not just for me but for the kids too. That is why I think I am disappointed its all come to stop for now. Its the next step. That is the concept I have to accept. I have to see I have come so far and treat this period as a breather. I am, I suppose, trying to find my feet and makes sure my footing is solid where I am before attempting to walk further on.

Still I go out and the youngest girl mostly is my companion when I am not alone. The boy is too young for long walks and the oldest is too cool for muddy walks. The photo above is from a place where a large retreat house used to be on a large estate but is now long gone. Its a favourite haunt as there are different types of dragonflies and birds and an old viaduct over the river. Across the water are all the large expensive houses from neighbouring Bothwell. Mostly we walk for walkings sake but we are always on the look out for wildlife.

After lots of near misses finally a deer photo. As I expected it came by chance. I was down there crouched down on my own taking photos of red dragonflies when I saw something move out the corner of my eye. Not a great photo but best I could get with just a 42mm lens on full zoom. A larger focal length lens is on my wish list though for all I would use it maybe a cheap bridge camera would be better. Captured at least and as if a roe deer was not enough I also got a couple of fallow deer too on our travels which were even further away and harder to spot

Something at least. That was on a drive. For now the drives have dried up and with winter on the way and the roads soon to grind to a halt the drives may be over until the new year. But there is plenty to be getting on with locally and for that I am thankful. This has been a very quick year. Too quick really. It just seems to have whizzed past. A good year though. So far the best. And still time to add to it hopefully once this lull is over. As the leaves fall from the trees the wildlife has less cover to hide and there is in general more to see. The landscapes change and so I will be out with my camera and my walking companion back on the road again in no time at all.

Back to school

I

t has been a while since my last post. I wish I could say its because I have been off living instead but that is not entirely true. A reluctance to post is my real reason for not posting. Why? I've been trying to get my head around things. For some reason things have suddenly gotten hard even though they are better and in order for me to post about it I have had to try to get my head around it. To some extent I have but not entirely.

I'd like to think the posts of late have been fairly positive- in comparison to the years before surely so. That is the way I would like it to stay but only if its the truth. Thankfully on the whole that is the truth. Things are good. If not good then they are at the very least a hell of a lot better. I am still doing things and going places and looking ahead. It is the latter I think that has caused me some confusion.

I have to look back at the last post I made and see where I have been inbetween. The shopping centre. From a time of coping I really struggled with that. I got through it but for the first time in a long while I did something that I vowed not to do again because I struggled so badly with it. And therein I cast the first doubt which from there forward makes everything else harder. Doubt is easily added to and comes more easily.

That was 6 weeks ago. The kids went back to school, with my oldest starting high school, and so the routine was set again. We have been going places and I have been walking further. On these counts all good. But then I started to wake in the morning very early and more worryingly in panic. I'd read about this happening to people but always skipped it because it never happened to me. Now it was. Every morning it was happening and so I was dreading going to bed and filled with dread waking up. I couldn't understand it. Over time I started to see I was not actually waking in panic. The panic came shortly after waking. The panic came shortly after a flood of thoughts.

The walks, the drives, the meal, the overnight and all the other "achievements". I had built a wall around me- a brick bubble. All these little things were like taking a sledgehammer to the wall. And what I thought was that I could chip away at the wall piece by piece removing bits of bricks as I went. That is how I expected it to happen. A whole load of learned behaviours and experiences would be unlearned and replaced by new experiences. Chip, chip. That is how I thought it would go.The first hole and a ray of light shining through. The world beyond. The world though was not light, it was water. It was an ocean of water and everything came flooding through the small gap overwhelming me.

And that is what it is. Now that I know its easier to understand but still taking me time to get to grips with. I was waking and seeing my kids all grown up with missing years in between. Where were the birthdays? Why don't we have a house? How am I ever going to get a job? All these things came at me in rapid succession and put me into panic and it was a morning routine that happened too fast for me to see. I was waking with a different outlook of the world around me. I was back in touch with life and it was consuming me a bit too quick.

The good news is though I now see that and over the past week or so I have stopped waking in that sweat, confusion and breathlessness of panic in the wee hours. I am instead sleeping through. Instead of fear for the future I am trying to make plans to make it better for the kids who have missed out on so much but still have so much time ahead of them. I am seeing the past is passed and the future yet to be written. All stories that have not ended can have a happy ending and that is my goal now for the kids.

Let's go shopping

Oh yes, indeed, lets go the hell shopping. As if standing in full blown panic at Rutherglen train station unable to think straight was not enough for one week I decided to just fall backwards and hope someone caught me before I hit the ground. Panic disorder though is the third option I forgot about about. No one catches you and you just keep falling.

I can't actually remember the last time, some what to my credit, that I said the words to my wife: I need to go. I have in these past months done everything in my power not to say them and had succeeded in doing so despite how bad I was feeling inside. This though was something else. This was like spining around and around and around at top speed and just wanting off. I tried to hold the words back but fear and desperation got the better of me and I said them. I felt guilt as soon as I said it and instantly retracted them and then said them again and then sat down. I sat on a bench. It all went strange. Panic had hit the roof and nothing was bringing it down. I looked up and all I could see were levels of concrete and people and panic just went crazy.

I had done it again. From saying midweek it was too soon and so taking the boy on the train I today decided it was all OK and would be a breeze. But very quickly it was not. As soon as we entered the multi-story car park I started to feel anxious and even then realised I had made another stupid mistake. But pride stopped me getting out then. Instead I braved it. It would be OK. I am doing so much better now and so I don't need to run. Wrong.

There was a time we regard as normality. Its a time basically where "we did" without having to think about it. We went shopping, we went a walk, we went on holiday and everything we did was restricted by the things out of our hands like cost, transport, free time and all the rest. The difference is now we have to think about it. But that is OK. What I have learnt of late that we start having to think but when we have done it a few times we no longer have to think and we are back to where we were. It needs time. It needs small progressive steps. Its like a tug of war where we have been pulled 10 foot over the line but now we are taking an inch back at a time and in time we will get back there if we keep at it. So the point is that planning and small steps and repetition have worked for me but at times I get ahead of myself like here. Planning. It was Sunday and the schools were going back the next day so it was ultra busy. The wrong time. Weather was great. People were out. Wrong time.

I was then on a bench. I was sitting and then tried to gather myself only to realise with far too many people around me I was alone. I had to find my family. Where were they? My wife had two shops. Things were coming back. My wife was annoyed. If I could sit it out she would be as quick as she could returning stuff. Huge. That is all I could think. My memory of the place was that it was nowhere near that size. This was huge and as we walked we seemed to just keep walking and walking and going further underground. But then I was alone. Two shops. BHS. Somewhere else. Panic was so bad I was shaking and I could not think straight so did not even attempt to phone. I found BHS and then scouted and could not find them. Out the shop. Shit! Back to the car? I can't go further in. Where are they? I need to go- NOW!!!

Marks and Spencers. In there and about. No sign. Turns out I remembered correctly but there was an upstairs. Thankfully managed to calm enough to get that info. And then the panic dropped. Like that. It went and I was OK. We did what we needed to do and then headed back to the car.

I had promised to take my youngest daughter to "Game". I forgot that bit. True to my word then we would head back. I located it on the map and saw it was near the ice rink.  That brought back memories. The ice rink I had seen many times as that is where we used to enter years ago. It was also across from the cinema where my wife and I had been a few times. So we headed back. It went on and on and from zero anxiety the levels crept up again. Where the bloody hell was it? And it seemed to be going uphill.

We made it and we also had time to sit for a bit at the ice rink. But I have to be honest and say I was glad when we were on our way. Out of the shops and into the car park and out of that into the outside world and finally exhale. I will go back but with more preparation At time I got glimpses of the stupidity in my thinking. Thousands of people I would say and all not bothered because there is nothing to be bothered about. Its about not making that issue in the first place rather than dealing with the issue.  There is no issue except the one born from anxious thought and its not real. A tiny bit of bravery and a lot of reptition allow us to see the llie for what it is. That is why its important to prepare and go wise. Something I am still learning apparently.

More train rides

The last week of the school holidays has been a bit of a non-event to be honest. Its preparation for the return next week. As such there have been no big days out as such but more trips on the train. Are they getting easier? They should be. If you do it right they should go fine like they have been doing but me being me I always have to push too far too quickly and end up regretting it.

I was at Rutherglen train station on Monday. The train rides I have been doing so far have been East into Hamilton. To the West is Glasgow 10 miles away. Its a place I hope some day to go to again by train. I used to do it all the time but its now over 10 years since the last time and getting there is a long way off. So why I did what I did is beyond me. To go by train is 3 stops- Newton, Cambuslang, Rutherglen and then Argyle Street in Glasgow. Graduated exposure. My plan this week had been do Newton twice. Build it slowly. That was the plan. That was the wise move. That would not be easy. The Hamilton route I could walk back from if required. Newton I could not. So I went into the train station and bought a return ticket- for Rutherglen.

The plan in my head concocted as I was waiting to buy my tickets was that if I bought the tickets for Rutherglen then I could at least get off at any stop before and go home. But it was still the wrong thing to do. It all  went wrong. I got on the train and it was only when I got on that I realised how busy it was. It was only later when I got off that I realised there had only been two carriages- there are usually at least 3 times as many. So I felt claustraphobic wedged between a guy and a window and guy facing me. Just really uncomfortable and decided it was a big mistake so I would get off at Newton and come home.

I don't know how much longer it was but I was pacing up and down Rutherglen train station  just a stop from Glasgow. I was pacing because I was in full blown panic. In my my head the return train would be sitting there waiting for me to return. Not only was it not but the next train arriving 10 mins later did not even take me home. That cranked panic up another notch. My own fault. I had drowned in it all. I had come unprepared and taken on too much too soon. I walked through the station and up stairs and started walking through a tunnel when I realised there were different platforms and I might forget which one was mine and get stuck and god it was all just going wrong. Bugger it. I walked away anyway out the train station and wandered about for a bit. Then I went back and decided I was going to wait until the panic subsided. I did. Not as long as I should have because it had not dropped enough but my train arrived and I got on it happy just to be heading home.

In hindsight it was stupidity of course. I was angry with myself. So angry that when I got off the train I went on a big walk to burn off the adrenaline going in a loop which brought me back to the station. Once there I got on the train again. This time to Newton. That was all fine. I got there. Hung a bout a bit on both platforms and came home. That is what I should have done but I think by doing that I will be OK anyway. I am not quite sure if the same tickets covered me but i assume they do as they are day returns. If so that could bode well for me as I need repetition but cannot afford lots of train  journeys.

On Tuesday my wife and the girls went into East Kilbride to the shopping centre for last minute school shopping. For all I am progressing that is one I did not want to do. Its too big and a place I had a bad panic attack before. I need to return one day  but Tuesday was not the day. So with the girls away I took the boy on the train into the centre of Hamilton. It wasted an hour or so. His only interest is his  Nintendo so a trip to "Game" was like Christmas to him as we have nothing like that where we live.  He had money too so all the better to buy something with.  

Then today we all went into Hamilton to get the very last things for school. Again it was the train and lie Tuesday there were no problems. The graduated exposure is working. As soon as the kids are back to school I will be doing it the other way in the hope of getting to Glasgow before the end of the year.  It actually feels like it could happen and that would be something. We had lunch there too in Sainsburys. It was good. I think we are all ready now. The kids are ready for their new term and I am ready to start taking on new challenges over these next few months in the hope I will be ever closer to where I want to be by the end of the year. 

Meal

After the overnight there was one other thing to do and as luck would have it the opportunity opened very quickly- yesterday. As I said in my last post my wife took the kids up north after the overnight but on Sunday night she arrived back home on her own. Her parents had kindly offered to watch the kids for a few nights so for the start of this week we are in the unusual position of having no kids at home. Freedom!

Dos Amigos. My wife has a good memory. A lot better than me. Strangely though she forgot the name of the restuarant we were supposed to go to for our anniversary. I can't remember which one. I have a feeling it was our second but I could be wrong. It was though up in Perth and we were staying at the Holiday Inn with a table booked for a Mexican restaurant we had been at once before and liked. Maybe I have more reason to remember. Her parents were watching the children, or child, that night too and we were getting ready in the hotel room. I remember I felt ill- really ill. I did not want to go. I did not know what was up and I knew I was going to ruin the night if I did not go but...I ruined the night.I told my  wife I felt ill.  It was the truth. I knew there was more to it but I didn't know what. At that time I had no idea what I was experiencing. She was rightly annoyed. She called and cancelled. We ended up walking the streets and getting food from a service station. We went to bed silently and that was that. Not a memory I cared to hold on to.

So  it was time,  long overdue, to have that meal belatedly. With the kids gone my wife booked a table at a restaurant she had been to and enjoyed. We went there. We actually walked there. Its over a mile there which is something in the past I would not even have done never mind sit and have a meal before going home. We did it.  She loved it. I eventually  did after getting past that first half hour which was sheer hell. It was really just a case of holding on until  the anxiety finally died down. It does eventually. But it was not perseverence as such. It was a case more of reminding myself to step back from the negative loop of escaping I had created. Stepping back long enough to let it pass. 

A long overdue meal had and hopefully not the last. Its my birthday in December, anniversary in February and my wife's birthday in April. All we need now are more babysitters! After the meal we went to a pub across the road and had a few beers there.  It was a really good night. One I thought for a long time would never come but it has and now  I am looking at what to challenge next. 

Overnight

Standing frozen in a car park of a Holiday Inn at six am talking to an Irish couple I had never met was not something I had planned to do or will ever plan to do again- the couple were lovely but the rest was a nightmare. There is little to be gained by thinking fate has it in for you but that is how it felt. August 2006 was the last time I had been out of home overnight. In my drive to undo all the wrongs that led me to my lowest and darkest places I am slowly passing everything I passed on the way down  but this time on the way up.  An overnight was needed somewhere.

My wife and I had discussed it many times but always including the phrase "one day" with not much conviction from either side. Even when  the kids broke up for school it was never a proposal as so many other things less difficult had yet to be attempted. But I had an idea. Last year my sister-in-lay took my oldest girl to Italy and when she came back she stayed overnight at a Holiday Inn in East Kilbride taking my other daughter. This year she did the reverse. It was dropping off the oldest that that idea came to me. My wife and I had always talked an overnight in terms of just the two of us. It didnt have to be. We could book a family room. When I suggested it my wife was taken aback. Things were moving quicker I think than she expected and after giving up to some extent on me ever getting better after the last CPN left I think she found it hard to take in. A few days later we went in and booked it.

It was hard without a doubt. Not every minute but the vast majority of it. But I expected that. I could expect no less. 9 years of the same journey to bed and same bed and waking in the same room was about to be disturbed. That led to apprehension. It was expected.

We had gone down to have dinner in the restaurant but the kids didn't see anything they liked so instead we went out to McDonald which was a shame as the meal at the Inn was supposed to be part of the experience. I should also say something I found really humbling. We never told the kids we were doing it. We told them that I had never been away for 9 years so I was going to have an overnight on my own and they came with me to see me off. After getting the room key my wife told them they were staying too and it was amazing. You would have thought they had been told they were getting 3 weeks in Disneyland Florida not an overnight in East Kilbride- and I bet their joy was more than some kids who were going over the water. It as humbling and a bit sad to see  that such a small thing was massive for them and a push to ensure they miss out on no more. That alone made it worth while.

Not a lot else was done. They had all been out at Blair Drummond safari park all day and were caught in a traffic jam on the way home so we got there late and my wife was shattered. We had a few drinks at the bar and then watched some TV in bed. Then lights out.

That was the bit I was dreading and it lived up to the hyped.  Lying in darkness the mind hit top gear and had a full tank to burn. Left side, back, right side, front, left side and so on. Its true that the more yoy try to sleep the less like you are to drop off. A dozen or so checks of the phone didn't help to check the time. 5:12, that was the last one I remember. Left side, right...

I basically was awake the whole time except for about 50 minutes where I did finally sleep but was awoken with the loudest alarm I have ever heard. Or maybe it just seemed louder going from silence of deep sleep. So that was that. Me, my wife and the kids were all  down in the car park half asleep and cold. My son just had a pair of PJs and was shivering so I gave him my jumper leaving me in just a T-shirt. No idea what the cause was. We were never told. The fire brigade were there but there was no smoke. A note under the door to apologise but it hardly made up for ruining our one night away. We were at least up in time for breakfast which was nice all around the table together. And after that the rest of my family went to the indoor pool. I had gone into town the day before and bought swimming shorts for it but by that time i felt ill. As they swam I lay under the covers and fell asleep for a couple of hours. Finally a sleep away from home.

It didn't go to plan but it would be pretty boring if it did. Its not me fate has it in for though. My family went up North yesterday and today when I called my wife told me they had been at the cinema  to see "Inside Out" when three quarters through the fire alarm went off.  That kind of bad luck is just not funny. The film had to be put back to the beginning but they could not stay as their cousins had to be elsewhere so they never saw the end- but did get a full refund. 

That wasn't the end of our day though.  We went to Bothwell Castle which we have done numerous times but this time went inside. My wife had a card from her work giving us discounts on things. For entry we went free so just had to pay for the kids but as there were renovations on the kids went free so it was a total freebie. And after that we spent a while at the museum of rural life. That was great. As we waited for a ride up to the farm in a carriage pulled by a tractor a deer appeared in th nearby field. The friendly tractor driver told us all about the family who were locals and the bumpy ride was great. That is a train, a tram and a tractor in the past week. Can't think of any other transport beginning with "T" to go on. The kids loved seeing all the animals and we arrived in time for milking. The guy was a really nice woman and the farmer's wife came out to chat too which was nice. So a good day out all in all.

As I said he overnight didn't go to plan but it didn't matter. To be honest I never planned on it being an enjoyable experience. The kids didn't care and loved it. For me it was just about getting it done and now that it is done I will do it again. Not straight away but I will do it some time soon for sure.

By Train: fin

That was a bit of a shock to be honest. The CBT course I was doing has worked like magic without a doubt and my only regret was that I did not find it sooner. I speak in the past tense because I did stop doing it as things started to fall into place. I probably will go back to it but as I started getting out more and feeling more confident I know longer felt the need to keep doing it. Don't get me wrong I still have a long way to go but for me it was not about more learning but experience. It was about taking what I learned into the real world. That remains the case. Tonight I had the need to look back at a goal which was on hold and expected to find it was left in limbo last year- at most. To my utter surprise it has been left nearly 2 years. For many minutes I could not get my head around that. How could I do three steps and then do nothing for almost 2 years?

The goal was a train ride using graduated exposure and previously I had covered a post outlining my goal and then completed three of the eight steps...

08/09/13: Outline- detailing 8 steps from getting to the train station to a return journey.
09/09/13: Step 1- Walk halfway to the train station.   
13/09/13: Step 2- Walk to within sight of the train station.
16/10/13: Step 3- Sit at the train station and wait.

And that is how it has stayed. Step 3 took a lot of time to do but in the time since that post I have walked down there many times. Its strange looking back to see how hard that first step was but it was. I think by the time I had done step 3 though I knew the next step I knew I would eventually do the 4th step and did but never beyond that. 4th was to walk about on the platforms on both sides. When I did that I did not even note it never mind post about it as I had abandoned any notion of traveling by train as I just could no do it.

Yesterday though I went out for a walk and as has been happening a lot of late I was struggling to think of where to go. I have covered so much that its all gotten a bit boring now. So I had a thought that came out of the blue. Well not quite out of the blue actually now that I think about it. I had been out walking with my son last week and wondering where to go and while we were out I was looking at the map on my phone when I noted a train station in Hamilton I did not know about. My final goal with the graduated exposure in 2013 had been to go to Hamilton and back. Hamilton Central that is. I didn't realise there was also a Hamilton West which was inbetween. Perfect. I thought I could mybe walk there but after a mile of walking and seeing I was only halfway there I gave up. Last night though on a whim I decided to just go for it. 2 miles away. I knew that was a long way for me to walk in one direction away from home- even now. And I knew the chances are I would not walk back and so would either have to call my wife in the hope she could collect me or get on the train. It turned out to be a bad idea but I did it. Something though I knew I would not be repeating any time soon.

There was more than one reason why it was a bad idea. Straight off just walking 2 miles from home was  going to fatigue me because I knew the growing worry would make me tired and breathless. And that was the case. I felt almost ill when I got to the train station and not just because of the walk but because of the prospect of getting on a train for the first time in over 10 years. So that was all bad. And panic went into overdrive as I suddenly realised I did not want to get on the train, I had got myself into too much of a state to walk home and I did not want to bother my wife- I needed to do this alone. There was though no time to think. I had just arrived on the platform when the train came. I moved to a door but it never opened- later my wife told me I had to press a button. Another door was open with people going through. I wanted to wait but was shaking so much I knew I could not wait. I walked quickly to the other door and got on. No way back. Whatever happened I was going on a train.

It was all wrong though as I said. On top of the reasons I have given the journey was so short I had no time to allow the panic to come down. And by leaving the scene with panic at a high level I was doing more harm than good as that would be the emotion relived the next time I contemplated getting on a train again. That is what happened. I was sitting on the train and the view I had planned to take in whizzed by without me seeing it as I dumped change on a table and struggled to pick it up. While I was doing this again the clock watching the conductor approach I was trying to breath and stop the shaking. It was an ordeal and I got off just glad to be off. There was no sense of elation. I knew the consquences.

So getting on a train would again would be difficult? Yes. Today I sat shaking again and struggling with my breathing and getting overly annoyed at a little boy crying and getting impatient to get the journey over. Not on a train though. We were in fact on a tram. Over 10 minutes we waited on this old tram at Summerlee Industrial Museum. And when we got going and about a minute late we came to the terminus I felt very stupid. It helped though. We didn't get on the tram again but it was not for lack of trying- we just kept missing it. For over two hours we spent the time walking about the mining museum. My wife and two of the kids even went underground but I didn't fancy that. I was content to walk about in the rain with my youngest daughter. It was a good day.

Where it helped though was tonight. I decided to go out tonight with a very clear plan in mind. The original graduated exposure plan had 8 steps and I had done the first 4 and effectively the 5th by getting on a train. Tonight I could not be bothered doing any of the inbetween and instead go straight to the final step. I walked to my local train station and bought a return ticket to Hamilton Central. I waited, got on the train and went. As I expected to begin with it was as bad as yesterday. When I got off however there was hardly an ounce of anxiety. The plan had been to walk over the bridge and come straight back home. I felt so well though that I decided to go for a walk about and so I did. Finally I was back at the station, train home and then a walk home. All good. This is what I mean about not really needing to do the CBT any more. I know what to do so now its just the doing it and repeating it and trying to accept the anxiety until it eases off forever. And one day it will ease off forever.

Lastly a few pics from Summerlee Industrial Museum which was a great day out. It centres mainly around mining, iron works and steel works but also has a whole host of other things of interest from the past. The thing I really enjoyed was the miner's cottages. There were two rows of these with one being an old set and one being newer. Each cottage was themed on a certain decade and although it meant nothing to the kids I really enjoyed the ones from he last centuary. Lots to see and only the tram cost any more which was a small amount at that. A great day out despite the constant rain.

13 years later

Before getting married in 2003 my (future) wife and I went to Germany for New Year which was our last holiday before the kids came along. It was also sort of a honeymoon because we never had one of those. That was our second holiday in 2002. In the June we both had two weeks off work and for the first week we went to the Czech Republic where we stayed mainly in Prague but also visited Karlovy Vary and Cesky Krumlov. It was lovely. We always vowed to returned but that is a long way off.

The second week we spent going various places in Scotland. The one that sticks out was Stirling. We stayed at a hotel and visited the usual sites around about. Last night we repeated a few of those things 13 years on. The Wallace Monument was shut as we went late and that was just as well. I remember smirking as I climbed the narrow staircase as a man was crawling up them. Possibly karma that the man then would probably be me now. Same goes for Stirling Castle which was also closed but even just getting around these places was nostalgia enough. The one place that was not closed was Bannockburn. That brought back a lot of memories walking around the memorial. It was all clear as day but then again there is not much to it.

It was new things to add to the list of places visited in 2015. I like to note these things. Because most places were shut and it was a nice night (for a change) we decided to go back to Dunblane. This time there was no cold and I was able to walk about freely. It was good. We have still been going places and as much as its nice to revisit places from the past its also important to note we are creating new memories for the kids. We also went to the Falkirk wheel but true to form we arrived late and it was shut. The Kelpies were not closed though and that was a lovely walk along the forth and clyde canal. We have more things planned too. Its been so good. Things are changing. Weather wise its been a terrible summer but because of what we have been doing I am finding myself getting cabin fever whenever we cannot get out and so usually go for a walk in the rain. I am now feeling a need to get out and stay out. Hopefully getting closer to where I want to be.

Perth

(The pub where I met my wife)

Three years ago I made a series of posts which were diary entries I had written over a number of years. Singles days spanning 10 years. There were 5 in all covering 1998, 2000, 2004, 2006 and 2008. The reason for them was,  I think, I was looking for some sort of sign of what went wrong. In the 1998, 2000 and 2004 entries I was fine. No problems at all. In 2006 I appeared fine but I was not. The road to anxiety disorder had already started the year before and it slowly worsened. By 2008 I was all but housebound.

I decided to revisit the 2006 entry again but to be honest the post says very llittle. It was a year I remember well and probably more clearly than some of the more recent years. I wrote the entry in August and by then I'd been redundant for just over a year. I had a 3 year old and 1 year old little girl. I'd been having problems for over a year and they seemed to be worsening. I was convinced I was ill but trips back and forth to the GP could find no problems despite rapid weight loss. But for most of the year I could at least travel. I'd had panic attacks by then but was not agoraphobic. In November 2005 we had our first (and although I did not know it at the time it turned out to be our last) family holiday to Loch Lomond where we stayed in a log cabin for 5 days. In April  2006 we christened our daughter in Perth, 60 miles away, but because I was having problems I insisted on a small affair involving only me, my wife, my daughter, the priest and two godparents- my wife's sisters. I'd also been up to Perth at Christmas, new year and in March for my sister-in-law's 40th birthday party. In July I left Scotland for the last time (again I did not know it at the time). My niece's christening in Manchester and again with problems I sat at the back of the church near the exit with my daughter in my arms using her crying as an excuse. I remember someone kindly gave up their home for us to stay in. In August I was back up to Perth again because my inlaws were away for 2 weeks holiday and my wife decided it would be better being up there in a big house and large garden than a pokey little flat with no garden. She was right. But I had problems up there too. I was finding I could only walk so far before I would get out of breath and anxious and have to go back home. I remember going on my own to a pub to watch a football game and sitting at the bar on a stool praying that no one would come up and talk to me. But the panic got so bad I first sat outside to finish the bottle of beer and then when the panic was not going I just left.

For a long time I thought that was the last time I was in Perth. Perth was a place I lived and worked for a number of years incidentally. It was as much a home as my current one and where I was brought up. Near the end of 2006 I went out one day relatively OK and came back housebound. What I forgot about in between was that I had been up to Perth one last time- my wife reminded me on Sunday night. And I forgot that when I left I was full of hope. It was September 2006 and my mother-in-law had turned 70 so we were all up for a party. We had gone up on the Saturday for the party, stayed overnight and left on the Sunday. At the end of the party on of the family's friends had to get up and she is in a wheelchair. So with the inlaws I volunteered to push and strangely I found I had no problems. A distance I had struggled to walk I was covering no problem while pushing a wheelchair. I was not out of breath. I put it down to the alcohol but I felt good the following day. I was positive in my own mind that the breathing problems were in my head. On reflection now I think the alcohol was dulling the fear and it was the fear making me anxious and out of breath. So I left in a positive mood not knowing I would never return. It was either the October or November that I went to the hospital with my wife one day, left her to go in and had a full blown panic attack which left me agoraphobic thereafter.

In 2015 I have done a lot. I went on a bus for the first time and I have gone to lots of new places. Getting to the place I grew up and also getting to where my parents live were massive achievements I never thought I would ever do again but I have got there. Its taken a long time but I don't mind as for the most part I never thought I ever would. Perth though has not even been on the radar. Its just too far. Perth is more than just another place for me. Its a place of happy memories. I loved living there and enjoyed working there. I was married there and celebrated my engagement there before that. My kids were christened there- I was there for the first two but could not attend the boy's christening. Its not just the memories either. Its the place my wife takes the kids of key dates. Its why I spend Easter and Christmas on my own. Its the reason why in summer I will spend at least a week alone. Its so much more than a place.

And yet I got there. I never thought I would and especially not after what happened at Dunblane but somehow I got there. We were actually on the way to Dunblane. That was the plan on Sunday night. We had packed warm clothes in the boot so I could wrap up this time if needed. As we approached Dunblane my wife suggested Perth. No. Too soon. As I sat there though it was a mental tug of war. The usual fight about pushing and fear of overdoing it and setting myself right back. So after a minute or two I suggested we could stay on the motorway and turn back when I felt too anxious. My wife was OK with that. She drove and she talked- do you remember that or look out for that. The distance to Perth all the while came down from 30 plus to single figures and then we were there. She took me past my old work, by my old flat and finally we ended up at her parents house 9 years after the last time.  Not just that but as my wife also pointed out the first time I had ever been in their house with my 7 year old son.

It was quite a thing. I would say it was not easy but it was never going to be. I wanted to leave as soon as I got in but after about 20-30 mins the adrenaline stopped pumping. I was walking from room to room remembering the past. I was out in the garden. My father-in-law had greeted me with a malt he had gotten for father's day. I also managed to fix their DVD player which had been out of use for a long time. It was so good. Everyone seemed happy- even the kids.

Its more though than an achievement. Its a possibility. We could not stay long as we had not planned to go and so it was near 21:30 when we got there with an hour's drive back home and my wife working first thing in the morning. I was really happy though that when I left I was not asking to leave. I did not even want to go if I am honest. And here is the possibility. I was actually thinking I could stay. If my wife was not working we could stay the night and return home in morning. That is a thought that has not crossed my mind for the best part of a decade. Not only that but I have been thinking of so many possibilities since. Staying overnight at a travel inn or a short break again at Loch Lomond with the family. Possibilities are there. Going places and returning to work. Its like another door has been opened. 

Birds

After walking 3 miles I was knackered and so I headed home. The last leg to home took me across the car park of a small retail park housing a Lidl, B&M and Farmfoods. It was empty. All that was there was me- and a seagull. A seagull sat on a high pole and as I approached it let out a screech. And it did not stop this high pitched irritating sound. Then came another which flew over me and rested on a building behind. The birds. I was waiting for more and more to come but they didn't. Just noisy and the wing man. I've never been unsettled by birds and at this point still was not. The closest I had come to that was in my twenties walking my dog in a field and a bird started chasing it and dive bombing it and I was running about trying to hit with whatever I could find. I have been in the local park full of gulls, pigeons and all sorts of other birds without worry. This was no different. That was until I heard noise behind me and turned to see wing man come right at me. I had to duck and then stood up to find squawky coming at me. And that is how it went. Front and back. At one stage I was running with my heart thumping out my chest because I am not used to running and these two gulls flying at me from both sides. Scarey. That was until I found some stones and went for them. I was so annoyed. That though just frustrated me. They stood their ground and continued to circle and the few stones I threw missed by a distance. I've no idea why they decided to attack and as someone who hates ay kind of violence towards animals I did not enjoy retaliating but I also have to say I was angry and next time will probably react with even more fury if there is another unprovoked attack.

It unsettled me a bit. I won't lie. I'm not looking at the skies. I went a big walk yesterday and ended up going through an industrial estate. As luck would have it I ended up going down a road where there was no one. No people at all. But there were two gulls. And that high pitched voice noise again and I thought: really? As I walked down they moved from lamp post to lamp post and the noise did not stop. They flew over me and a few times but not as close as that other vermin. Still it was unsettling so soon after that first time. No idea what this is all about but not something I need. I won't let it put me off. I will fight back.

Dunblane and Rouken Glen

I was shivering so much my teeth were chattering and my body was physically shaking. July. Surely I cannot be this could in July can I? But I couldn't stop shaking. And I knew that despite the fact I had only walked a few feet from the car I would have to turn back. I said to my wife who looked surprised when I said how could I was. She had not more on than me and didn't feel the slightest bit cold. Was I imagining it? Was it just anxiety? On the latter although I could not see it at the time it appears to have been at least a factor. I have never been so happy to get a heat once locked away inside the car. But I did not feel panic. In fact I could have sat there quite the thing but it was late and we had to go home. More than that though as I started to heat up  the thought of going out and shaking with the cold did not appeal. If only we had thought to pack jackets but who packs jackets in July? Scottish people, that's who. But we didn't. So we left.

Dunblane Cathedral. Its a beautiful building and I had been outside it but no further. There was a map in the car park showing a bridge over the river to a war memorial and that is where we were heading before I had to retreat. My wife was sure it was anxiety too. I can't argue. Just strange that I was definitely not having a panic attack- I would know. But we will return. If nothing else its the furthest north I have been in 9 years so  that was an achievement and if anxiety did get the better of me then I will accept it because I cannot expect it plain sailing every time. We will go back fully equipped that is for sure. And even if I did not get to walk about I did at least get to see the famous gold post box at least.

Rouken Glen. Its somewhere else we have found to go and a lovely little place. I saw "we" but this time it was all my wife's doing. I had never heard of it before. In my search for new places to go to I had been looking at South Lanarkshire which is the region I live it so that made since. But that covers a huge area and where we are is actually close at points to other regions. So I had not looked beyond and my wife had found this park. Lovely. The focal point for the kids was a big play park but for me it was the waterfall. When I posted about Dalzell Estate I said I had been somewhere else but would post about it later. This is where it was and we did go back which gave me the opportunity to enjoy it properly.

The first time I go anywhere its usually a case of just getting through it and only when I return can I actually relax and enjoy the place. The first visit was not bad on the anxiety front but not great either. The photo of the falls above is taken from a footbridge across it. This was taken on the second visit. On the first I got there, snappy snap on automatic and then off to the next thing. It was like an endurance course to get through. The second time I did the same but before leaving stopped. I had a thought. The first time I was so disappointed by the images I had. So harsh and unappealing (see photos at the end of the post which were taken in haste). This time I decided if I took a longer exposure it would look better and it did. I was very pleased because I can't seem to find my tripod anywhere so had to take this shot handheld which is not easy with a longer exposure. It says more about my camera's inbuilt image stabilisation than my steady grip though if I am honest.

Again I will end with a selection of photos from my visit there. They say and mean more than I could ever write.