2014

The end of the year brings a time of reflection and so I reflect. My memory though is not so  good. Before looking back at the year I decided to have a look back at this time previous years and to my astonishment the last time I posted on new year's eve was 5 years ago. As foggy as my memory is I was pretty sure that was not the case. Maybe I deleted posts at some stage or they disappeared on the move. Last year I waited until the start of this one with a post looking forward rather than back, maybe that is the way. I did that a few times before. In 2009 though I posted about the year and how there were some little positiive signs to hang on to and looking to the year ahead. As it turned out those hopes were unfounded at the end of 2009 and I went downhill fast in the two years that followed. Maybe its because now I seem to have found myself in a similar position now that I feel the need to reflect. A better place though, much better place. For the first time in this period of anxiety induced stasis I actually feel like I am on the road back to wellness or normality at least. I've felt although there is a long way to go still that I might be getting there. Signs of things I used to take for granted returning.

It has been a good year and that is something I never thought I would be staying at the begining. The year started with a letter from ATOS and the panic that brought. Its something that when it was over brought relief and disappeared from my mind but that period is coming back to haunt me because in April things are about to get stormy again in that regard. That though is the only cloud in a clear sky ahead so thought I might as well get that out the way. My achievements have been many this year and too many to list. They are scattered throughout in posts. 1300 miles walked is an achievement in itself but that is just a means to an end. In essence I have been going further from home and staying out longer in places I have never been or not been for a long time by car and on foot. One of the pleasing things was finding a load of maps I had marked out with routes I would like to do one day which I remembered at the time I had no chance of ever getting near and yet finding on the rediscovery that I had completed them all and more. So many things to mention and yet so much more yet to be done but I feel closer than ever that I am getting closer to them. More than that I have built a belief now that they can actually be done rather than just dreamed about.

A list has not been created as yet but will be written out in the coming week. Not resolutions which I can tick off as I break but places I want to go and things I want to do. I am as yet unsure of whether to post the list as its probably more a personal thing but then again its a personal blog about my life so I might do. Some things simple and some not so. For example going somewhere by train which has been on my mind for a long time and eats away at me so much I really have to get it done. Plenty to look forward to. Aside from these things there are others I need to look at too like work and hobbies in that order. I have let my photography interest fall away which is a shame because the interest waned shortly after saving for and buying a decent camera which has turned into an expensive ornament and the camera itself has become almost obsolete.

Work though. That preys on my mind always. What to do? Where to start? Wishing I had a mind to start something up myself rather than be employed but always coming up short. Computer programming is always something I keep returning to with the blend of interest, enjoyment and creativity but a long hill to climb to get there given I have been out of the loop so far and not even sure where to start. I need to work but still not at that point yet where I could go out and do a full day's work or even half a day. Not on top of things enough to be able to do that but getting ever closer to it. Something to keep in mind at least in the hope that something clicks into place.

So many good memories for this year and if this coming year runs the same course I will be very happy indeed. As well as reflecting its a time to look forward and I feel at this point in time I can with some real hope for the future. Not just for me but the knock on effect of my family.

With that I would like to say to all reading this have a fantastic 2015 wherever you are in the world and I hope the future is good to you.

43

Yesterday was my 43rd birthday. A time to reflect. In a better place for sure- anxiety wise- but not anywhere near where I want to be as yet. I had thought I made a birthday post every year. This is my 6th year on the blog but I have in fact only post twice previously- 2013 and 2011. Looking back what I see is everything reduces. Last year I posted a pic of the cards and there were 7. This year there were 3- nothing from my side of the family. Each year means less. Its all about the kids as it should be but this is a life and so it needs marking too even if there is not much going on.

I am though in a better place as I said. Its vastly improved from 2011 when I turned 40. That was a bad year. it was without doubt the worse year since I started this blog in 2008. It was time of real worry. The agoraphobic world had been closing in year by year and in 2011 it got at small as it could get really without being housebound. Its easy now to forget just how limited my life was back then. I could not go anywhere and could barely tolerate visitors. It was a very lonely time and rife with panic. And a real worry. As every year my world got smaller I feared just how small it was going to get, where it would lead. The trend was an ever decreasing circle and dread grew every day.

Since then though things have picked up. They started slowly but this year they have really rocketed. I have done so many things I was unable to do for years and continue to do so. Hope has replaced dread and I know I am heading in the right direction. I am starting to do normal things. Things like taking the kids to school and even shopping at times. I am going places I would not have contemplated 3 years ago and staying out longer. I am happier, less lonely. And from that point of view its the best birthday since blogging.

Fayres

Its that time again for the Christmas Fayre in the town. Just a little thing close at hand but something a bit different from the norm. Up until last year even as close as it is I always had to view it from afar. I remember clearly walking on the other side of the road two years ago in the dark barely within my comfort zone looking at the lights and the people. Hearing the music and the happy voices. My anxiety would not allow me to cross the road and certainly would not allow me to join the throng which scared the life out of me. But last year I managed to go and walk around the stalls and stay for the songs and the eventual turning on of the Christmas lights.

This year I went again but not for long. Feeling a bit poorly at the moment, we all are. That time of year for bugs I suppose. During the week I walked to the Chemist to get my wife's repeat perscription for pain killers to ease that knee that was butchered at the hospital which she still cannot walk properly on. It was mobbed. "Minor ailments" was the buzz word. Pills, nasal sprays and all the rest. Sore throats and coughs and bunged upness. That time of year.

So I have a bit of it myself and was feeling very fragile while out and the deeper I headed into the crowd the more I felt I was going to collapse. I therefore made the trip a short one- twice. But good enough to attend and go around everything.

Its strange that I found that much harder than Friday night. Friday night was the school's Christmas Fayre and I have never attended that on any year. On Friday I did. It took some going as it was just as mobbed but this time not only much further away but inside the school. It was far from easy. A few times I just wanted to sit down- or lie down. The CBT is helping but I sure have a long way to go. I did it though. I stuck to what I had been told and although for twenty minutes or so I was on the verge of panic by a half hour in it was down to virtually zero. And that was the time I knew I could leave. I did not rush out the door though. I stayed a little longer, walked about a bit more and in the end it was boredom really which sent me packing. We had driven up in the car but I walked home- happy to do so. Another thing to tick off the list of things to do in 2013.

I do feel I am getting better. Slowly, not nearly quick enough, but getting there. This Christmas once again I will spend it alone but I really have some hope now that it will be the last time. A 60 mile journey then staying over somewhere for a few days is still beyond me but I am getting closer to it. I feel 2015 will be the year I either do it or I don't. Come April things are going to get very difficult indeed as that is the time I have been told my income stops. I have to try to be in a position at that point to be able to go to the job centre and stay there for however long they want me to and also to be able to go for interviews. I am nowhere near that stage yet. Its all coming too quickly if I am honest but I have been putting it out of my mind for fear it stops the progress I have been making in its tracks.

I'll leave that for the new year. For now I will look forward to a birthday in a few days and Christmas before finally looking forward to (or slightly dreading) the new year.

Being Mindful

Mindfulness is hard to explain so I won't try to, Google is your friend. Basically though its the act of connected with your outside environment with all of your senses as opposed to being introspective where we are cut off from the world around us and resident in our own mind, thinking. It is easy to see therefore why its a practice encouraged in the treatment of anxiety (more so depression) as anxiety and panic reside in the mind. That is not where the symptoms exist on the whole but its where the reaction occurs which is panic and where panic is maintained. Its why mindfulness can be very important. As part of the CBT course I am doing Mindfulness is very much a part of that- more an additional tool to dealing with panic.

Anyway as I have attempted to become more mindful I am starting to see the world is becoming more mindless and wonder if the majority will one day fall into the same trap as I find myself in. Its everywhere. Phones and tablets and now watches. It seems everywhere you look people are escaping into the alternative electronic reality of cyber communication.

I was walking through the park which is usually filled with the same noises and same scenes. The birds, of which there are plenty, make a hell of a noise. Blackbirds (or crows- I am no ornothologist) and gulls solely. The only other noise comes from the kids in the skate park. Not this day though. All other sound was drowned to a whimper by the banshee wailing of a child I found to be far up the hill coming my way in a pram. It was awful. I thought the child may be in distress. I really could not wait to be free of it but first I had to pass it. And so as I headed up the hill the pram came down to meet me. It was strange though. Not coming straight for me but zig-zagging all over the place. A drunk. Surely a drunk. A drunk pushing a child through the park. It was not- or at least that was not the cause. It was a woman in her 50s (I think as I am as good at determining ages as I am at identifying species of bird) with her head down shoving the pram with one hand and texting on her mobile in the other hand oblivious to the child's screaming- most likely her grandson. So I stopped. I felt compelled to say something but the words fell short. She was oblivious. She passed without knowing there was something there standing staring at her and as I left the park the sound of the child crying grew more and more distant until it was gone.

I remember sitting in the corridor of the Sports Centre on a bench waiting for my son who was playing football in the games hall and there was a young woman sitting next to me. Not that she knew I was there. She had her face buried in her phone and I could have been dancing in a Tutu to Gangnam Style in my head and she would not have noticed. Her son was running up and down the corridor entertaining himself. Then he came up and pulled at her sleeve telling her he had done something. There was a mutter, a nod and a dismissive shove of the hand as she returned to her phone. Sad.

Its not for all but its pretty much common place now. People despite the warnings still sit playing with their phone while they are driving as if they cannot go a journey without keeping up to date. Its dangerous. I know first hand as on more than one ocassion I have been nearly knocked down at traffic lights as a result of people being too focused on their phone to notice a red light. Its scary actually and its not going to get better any time soon. I wonder just how much of the world travels through the day on autopilot and lies down at night unable to recall anything outside of the cybersphere from their day.

In many ways I feel I am getting a leg up. I feel I am getting ahead of the game. I am taking myelf out of myself and trying to plant my feet firmly in the world while the shadows of people who once inhabited bodies fall into the background wired into an artificial universe. Its a little empowering in a way. Maybe helps me feel less paranoid. Its a bit of a case of I can fall and the world will keep looking away.

Or maybe not. Maybe I am getting too cynical. Or maybe not. 

Sparkle

I wonder where the balance lies still all these years later. I set out blogging as a release to my anxiety problems. So long ago. At the time I have to be honest and say I did not think six and a half years later I would still be unemployed by way of being unable to work and not that far removed from where I was. I never saw it at all. I was full of positivity underneath the fear. It was just 5 months after the birth of my son and along with the fairly new arrival I had a daughter of five years old and another of three years old. Despite the situation I was confident underneath of a life ahead where I worked and came home to the elation of my children- the home welcome. A home with a garden. Detached. Somewhere decent. Definitely not still in this little flat which we outgrew a number of years ago. But that is where I find myself. The situation has improved without doubt but not as fast as I would like or expected. I forget though that I was virtually housebound back then. Now is an improvement, a big improvement really.

The balance I speak of is the need to get all this out and the duty of a blogger to try to keep things as light as possible. Entertaining is beyond me I am afraid but thankfully there are many more bloggers more suited to the job all over the blogasphere. In the early days it was very dark because that is where I was. I would like to think now its a little lighter. But with that has come more than a hint of the mundane. By that I mean I am posting about things which mean a lot to me, progress, but are the things people do every day. Its finding that balance. I mean who really wants to visit a blog to read about how someone went shopping for a loaf of bread and survived? Not me. Then again though what is more important here? To keep the reader interested or to post about what is important to the author. A balance I suppose is the answer. Finding that balance is not easy.

Looking back at some posts from earlier years I see that although they were darker they were more interesting. I had a little bit of an edge. Maybe a little bit of imagination and creative spark- at times. That seems to have gone. Even the photography where I used to experiment and spend lots of time processing and post on photography forums has gone. The irony being there that I was frustrated in those days I did not have a decent camera to do what I really wanted to do and for the last few years I have but lost all interest in it. I feel burnt out if I am honest. My days are made up of CBT and walking until I virtually drop and then the next day repeating the process. Its tiring and monotonous if I am honest and so I burn out. Then when I come to write something for the blog I find it hard to pull out any kind of joy from these days. That said though all these boring things are important to my recovery and what is helping me get to where I am now to where I once was. So it must be said. It really must.

Within all this though I must find my edge again, my sparkle even. I need more than to recover. I need something to recover for. I need something to help me along instead of getting up each morning dreading another Groundhog day. And only I can generate that. It was there once but it has gotten lost under all the pushing I have been doing and god I am tired. So that is where I now look. A sparkle. A bit of something good to reach out for. A way to become independent and re-ignite my zest for life rather than ploughing my way through it. Its another balance. Where I have pushed my agoraphobic bounderies further out by lust for life has been sucked dry. The balance is what I need to find in my life.

Anyway the reason for this reflection is that I wanted to post more of aforementioned monotony. Today I once again took the kids to school and may do for the rest of the week. My wife was working all day today so arranged for the kids to be picked up but come three o'clock I went and picked them up too. First time of dropping them off and picking them up. Slowly things are coming together and I am contemplating my next moves. Every day I walk through the train station at least once. I am thinking about it. But I am thinking too much. My head keeps filling with images of being stranded at a train station in panic and not able to get home. There is no reason for it but its actually making it harder to do. I need to work hard on the CBT and weed out this fears. Rationalise them. There was an interesting article also on the BBC web site on alternative ways to do that. It is my next challenge and I would like it done before the year is out but it feels further and further away each time.

Viaduct

 I've lost my phone, I said to my wife. No. Just typical. I had to feel my jacket and trouser pockets by way of padding them with the palm of my hand as my hands were thick with mud. We'll have to go back, she said. I looked ahead not believing what I was seeing. A chance discovery. As much as I wanted to go on we had to head back and so we did.

In the morning we had planned to go into Hamilton. I have a cheque for a small amount but it all counts. Its been sitting there for about 2 months as I cannot get to the bank to cash it. Its right in the centre of town. Today though I was going to attempt it. The thought of standing in a queue and waiting did not fill me with any desire to go but I knew it had to be done. It also didn't help that on a Friday its twice as busy as normal in town. We didn't go however. I could not find the cheque and so its left for another day.

My wife has been off on holiday all week so we have been trying to do things. We decided instead to go for a drive to a park we had been to once briefly and have a stroll there. It has only this year been renovated and is a nice place to go walking from the short stay we had previously. This time we planned to explore more and so we did.

We went down and down through woodland on a path less trod than others and as such with less grip. There was a lovely little bridge over a stream and no one about. The only life existed in the sounds of nature and distant barks of many dogs being walked down a favourite haunt. We walked on. I got out my camera and went down to the river bank to take some photos as my wife walked on. No sooner had I done so than I went my length and ended flat out covered in mud. It gave me wife a laugh at least.

We walked on and as I tried with a bit of kitchen roll my wife had in her bag to wipe my hands as best as I could we saw come into view the viaduct. I had forgotten all about it. For weeks I had planned a visit there but eventually abandoned the plans as I could see no way to reach there without a very long walk. Now I had stumbled upon it by chance. Quite a coincidence as I had no idea they were so close to where we were walking. I felt elated. These were once saught out for miles and mile around by eager beavers wanting to climb them. And many did. It was a challenge for these climbers and they came from afar to take on that challenge. I have no idea the story behind them. I don't know if they are ruins of something that once was or something unfinished. I just felt the need to see them. And it was as we neared and I wanted to see how far we had walked that I realised my phone was missing- I record my walks on the phone via GPS.

So we had to turn back and as we expected, and hoped, we found my phone where I had fallen. It had been a long way to walk for me so I had been expecting to head back at that point and try again another day knowing now I could get there. But instead we went back to the viaduct and did get there. Huge things they are. Colossal. Quite a sight but I suppose once you have seen them there is not a lot more of interest about them. And so after viewing we left.

We did not stop there however. By the time we got back to the car I was struggling for breath. I knew it was anxiety related even though we had taken a steep incline to get back. Instead of leaving we decided on another walk on the other side of the river.The is was just as long and we eventually came to the viaduct again on the other side. This time there were stairs to go up. I got halfway up but I was more than pleased with that.

A nice surprise. At the start of the year I had a list of things I wanted to do this year. A very big list. I did know if I would be able to do any but as the year comes to a close I find I have done much more than I imagined. It makes me excited about what to put down for next year's list. Starting to look forward now rather than back.  

Fireworks

According to news reports last week we had one of the warmest Halloween nights on record. I can believe it. So mild for the end of October. There is a balance with everything. Surely tonight was one of the coldest bonfire nights on record. It was so cold. I don't think my hands have ever been so cold. I was in so much pain when the heat eventually returned to them indoors.

Its a shame that this little town has nothing to offer on such a night. I have a memory from a decade ago when I gave this town no thought at all. I was either indoors or at work. I remember I drove home from work and on coming in my wife was straight out the door to her work leaving me with our little girl who would have been around one year old at the time. I remember somehow finding myself down the local park later carrying her and the two of us standing watching the fireworks display. Later I dropped in at my wife's work on the way home. Its a very vague memory but my wife confirms it did happen.

Today though there is no local display. Partly its funding but this is in essence a small mining village and nearly all the rest have one. All sense of community I feel has been sucked out of this place. There is no display. I read a local website talking of how the local park used to be a focal point for the community. There was a boating pond, a putting greet and lots of other things. Families flocked on a Sunday. Now there is nothing but path and grass. With regards to a firework display though I think we are too close to Strathclyde Park where there is a huge one. That is all well and good. Getting in and out of there though is a nightmare at the best of times and we had no desire tonight to be sitting late on stuck in traffic with the kids at school tomorrow.

So like every other year we had to improvise. During the day we bought fireworks from Lidl and took the kids outside to set them off at night, Truth be told they were pretty lame. Its just as well people in neighbouring streets were setting off heavy duty ones. The kids to their credit just played around with the occassional gasp as something lit up or popped. I think they were happier just to be running about with sparklers. It was so bitterly cold. In the end we were glad just to have marked the event and quick to get back indoors to the heat.

School run

Take a journey and break it up into 10 equal parts. Take each step in turn. Reach step one and continue doing so until you feel the anxiety eases to the point you are ready to move toward step two. And so on. The basics of graduated exposure. My reply to that theory put before me was: I have tried but I am not making any progress. Her answer: that is because deep down you don't want to do it. That was time for her to go and when I realised I must do it alone. I was wrong about one thing though. Graduated exposure does work but it was not working for reasons I see now. Not for the reason she gave which still makes my blood boil. That was over three years ago when the second of the CPNs came and went. Although it was not actually the reason I parted ways in the end. That came down to medication. Something now I am glad happened in hindsight despite the problems it caused between me wife and I. My wife saw it as the last chance for recovery and was beyond furious when she felt I was making no effort and squandering the last chance of happpiness for us all.

The thing is though only the person going through this knows. They know what is right and what is wrong. They know what works for them and what doesn't. Although graduated exposure was not working for me I kept at it because I saw the logic in it. I just didn't see the reasons why it was failing as I see them now. As it turned out there were two problems. Impatience which is at the heart of most recovery problems. We look back as see the years we have lost and get frustrated when recovery does not come the next day- or even a glint of it. The main reason it was failing though was that I was too keen. It doesn't work. I would push myself as far as I could possibly go until I hit panic and then go scampering back home. From doing the CBT I have learned this is just maintaining the habit of fear and of no use at all however brave a person feels they are being by throwing themselves continually into panic. The idea is to go to the step where anxiety rises and stay there until the anxiety drops. This is how we learn it does drop. This is how we establish in the mind that there is nothing to fear by getting there. If we leave the situation without panic then that is the memory. If we leave it in panic then that is the memory which resurfaces and is ultimately relived.

Today for the first time I felt a bit more confident. My wife was tired as she had not had a lot of sleep. For the first time I was able to say to her: go have a lie down and I will take the kids to school. On my own. As I always say it doesn't sound much. But it was. I have been the school now too many times to mention yet the responsibility of taking the kids and making sure they got there was crippling. It was harder than it should have been. In recent months I have posted about picking the boy up at home time and picking my daughter up when she was ill. These are journeys I know longer fear. But the fear does rise when I have a responsibility to make it. When my wife relies on my to do it. So  you see its not that I don't want to its that fear holds me back. Today though I cast the fear to one side and just did it.The journey home was a lot easier than getting there. I really did struggle to get to the school and yet I walked over twice that distance after I left the children at the school gates. The weight of relief was lifted and I felt stronger.

What made it even more pleasing is that I got up and out of bed thinking it was going to be the first day in a long time that I could not make the school run. Even that seems foreign yet its something that used to happen on a regular basis. Its habit still. There are still times when we go to pick up the kids that I say to my wife I may not be able to go all the way because I feel so heavily fatigued, ill or anxious yet I always get there now. In the past I used to leg it with the first twang of doubt. This morning I felt terrible. I have a bug. The same big the kids have had. Bad cough, sore stomach and all the rest. Maybe my wife has the same. So I was in no mood to begin with to even go along never mind take them myself. And yet I did. That is pleasing. 

Its a bit of normality. A little of how things should be. I need to keep taking the opportunity to do more things alone and start making that responsibility less of a burden. Its a self made burden of course but only by carrying it will I in time not feel the weight so much.

PS I know the image at the top is not related to the post but I cannot take photos at the school which would be the only apt thing.

Halloween

 

Like every year the obligatory halloween post. Just pictures really to show change pictorially over the years. There were the pumpkin replacement melons as always. Kids getting older but the story remains the same. Just a little thing to keep them ticking over and mark the ocassion. No guisers at the door and indoors all night for them. Ducking for apples (or slices of) and that sort of thing.

I guess the real story of Halloween was my wife's creative efforts with my oldest daughter's costume. The boy was fine with an off the shelf Iron Man outfit. The middle child happy enough to be Egyptian with the added incentive of a little make up. The oldest though was not for such a simple passing of the pagan festival. Actually is it pagan? Not sure. Anyway she wanted something a bit more. I rolled my eyes but my wife indulged.

The oldest girl is the more creative of the three. Wonderfully creative and artistic. I wouldn't say the most imaginative. I think she gets her creativity from her mum but her artistic streak from me. Not that I am artistic in any way nowadays but I was at her age. Not a creative person but a very good copier. I could copy things on to paper with biro, pencil or felt tip to great acclaim from the family. My oldest daughter is very much the same. That is not to say there is not creativity or imagination there. Maybe its unfair. I just see the same similarities with myself at that age and the chance to wind her up by asking where she copied her latest work from. Her sister is the imaginative one. Maybe too imaginative at times to the point of not really existing here but in a world she has created herself.

I am though getting away from the point here and that is to say that my wife is creative and rubs her hands with glee when the opportunity arises to put her creative streak into action. Whether it be a poem for an ocassion, a song for the kids homework or mostly with her hands to create something from nothing. She jumps at the chance and sees it as a challenge. And this was a challenge. For 3 nights solid at least it occupied and frustrated her. The oldest had decided she wanted to be a centaur and from that idea my wife built a costume which at least lasted for the entrance to the school Halloween disco if not long beyond that. Respect where it is due. Its usually me who is glad to see the back of this festival but this year my wife for sure desired it more than me. 

No well

When I took the call from the school my first thought as always was to phone my wife. In fact usually I don't get the call. I only get the call when my wife doesn't answer. Today she didn't answer because she was at work and it was busy. So when the phone rang and I looked at the caller ID expecting to see spam and instead seeing the school's number I knew I had to answer. My youngest daughter was feeling ill, could I come and collect her. Of course. On the phone its easy to act normal. Yes of course I will come and collect my ill daughter. I then put down the phone and call my wife until i get her, talk to her and then wait for her to bring one of the children home.

Today I put down the phone, got my coat and went out the door. My wife's work is on the way to the school. I dropped in. Stupid not to. The school may have caught her after me. My wife has better judgement in these matters and when I went in and spoke to her she wanted to make sure our daughter needed to come home. So while she called i went and my wife would call on the way there to let me know if I was to continue or come back home.

Its all in the mind. I can work further than that yet the more I walked the more my body turned to lead and the breathing became more shallow. I started to feel like I needed to stop and throw up. Balance was not right. I was on a ferry crossing the choppy channel. Nonesense. I told myself as much. That once hardly audible voice deep down had found a little bit more volume with every passing test and with CBT. Nonesense. Nothing to fear, move along. My wife called. I'm not sure what I hoped she would say. I was being pulled apart inside by the need to do this and the need for mental santuary.

I stood at the front door of the school. I had my hands cupped over my eyes trying to look through the glass door but instead seeing bits of things and mostly my reflection. I had rung the bell to the office 3 times and as I stood hanging about outside I was smiling to myself about my wife's call: they have her ready and waiting in reception just to be picked up. It took me back to the school runs by car 3 years ago. Those short jaunts by car with me driving in full blown panic with the school getting the kids ready for my arrival and more often than not finding they were not. I waited. The building panic I noted had actually eased to my amazement.

Walking through the park with my daughter I felt some sense of achievement. Another little step in the right direction. Another chore I can hopefully take away from my wife until a time when she feels she is not having to do everything- akin to a single mother as she has said. It felt good. I'd done it.

It gave me a boost. A couple of hours later I went for a walk and decided to go for it. A walk i had been building towards for a long time but still a long way off attempting. Given most of it is through woodland then today was definitely not the day as the ground in those woods were like mush. But I pushed on determined to do it. And I did do it. Not easy but I made a point of not rushing it. A few times I slipped but did manage to stay upright the whole time. I took my time. For the first time in a long while I took my camera with me to slow me down. I tried to take things in. I heard a noise and saw a branch ping upwards. Definitely not a bird. I waited. I moved slowly. A squirrel. I stood for a while tracking it from tree to tree. Losing myself in the moment. Connecting with the world around. I did it.

So its been a productive day and I think its starting to become a productive time. Bit by bit I am losing the fear and stepping into it. Bit by bit. And that is how it has to be done- gradually. Am I any closer to recover? I am but I don't know how close because its not a linear process. It either is or it isn't. One day it will click and there will be no turning back. The moment before and all the moments leading up to that I will be agoraphobic and at the whim of panic. Then it will click. Then I will truely understand. I will see and it will no longer hold fear for me. And I will go and I will keep going and I will never be back here again. It will be the past. Every moment in the now becomes a moment in the past a moment later. Who we are now, then and will be changes from moment to moment. And there is no need to look back. Living in the now but as soon as that click occurs and everything is aligned again as it should be there will be no looking back.

Woodland walk

I'm quite proud of myself today. I did something which has been on my mind for a long time but have never been able to work up the courage to do. Its a route down to the David Livingstone Centre where I have been by car and even twice managed to walk to on foot but always via the main roads. My hope was to one day came back via the woodland and part of the many paths around my area named the Clyde Walkway. Its a bit more challenging and that is why I have been put off by it. Challenging for me in two ways.

The walk in total is only two miles. There was a time not so long ago when that distance was beyond on. For many years I could not do one mile or only very very infrequently at a push. In fact up until the start of last year really that was the case. The fact I can cover that distance now is just part of the problem. That is not the way agoraphobia works. The problem is I have been testing of late how far I can get away from home in one direction before I feel the need to turn back and that has at a push been not more than half a mile. So basically to do it I would need to double that and that is something I had planned to start working on gradually. The other problem was just as hard. Going via the main roads there are ways to take a short cut if I need to bale out or even call my wife to come by car if I feel I cannot go on. Going into the woodland offers no such luxury. Once I go in I have to really come out the other end and that is where the panic I knew would build when passing that point of no return.

I was not at the stage of attempting it. I like to plan these things and prepare for all eventualities. I also like to get myself as right as I can mentally before attempting such a thing. It makes me wonder whether its the right approach. The truth is I was just doing a normal walk when I suddenly felt: bugger it. And off I went. And I kept going. All the way down to the David Livingstone centre and past it and then to the entrance to the woodlands. By then I was so out of breath and shaky. As much as I wanted to head back I told myself it was actually shorter to push on. That is the truth. It is shorter but maybe more taxing because there are more ups and downs and the path is muddy- I nearly fell a few times. But I realised I had in fact already passed the point of no return just getting down there. So I pushed on.

It wasn't easy. But I started at least to see things for what they were. The breathless was not physically driven. The more I pushed on the less breathless I became despite some steep inclines. I also started to slow myself down deliberately aware I was pushing tensely and quickly to get it over. All inward. I started to get mindful. Smells, colours, sounds of the woodland. Slowing. Got my camera out. Looked about for things of interest and with each step pulled myself slowly from internalising to externalising in the wonderful surroundings. Not to the point where I enjoyed it as much as I should have but from entering the woods to exiting I was getting nearer to that state.

I really do need to keep a note of these things. So many things that I wanted to do two years ago and for years before that have now been done. Its easy to forget as I look ahead to the next challenges. But its important to remember. 

Mausoleum

Yesterday my wife and I went out on a little drive again as we have been doing when we get the chance. My wife wants me to start driving again but I'm not ready. I'd rather contend with the getting out first and foremost and leave the driving for another date. For this reason I am also looking at buses and trains which are higher up the priority list than driving at the moment. For now my wife though is happy to drive. She likes driving. Something I never have.

We went out to Chatelherault Country Park, I place I have posted about previously. Mainly it was to have a walk in the woods which was lovely. After the walk I found myself alone in the visitors centre reading all about the local history and wildlife in the area while my wife went to the toilet. I think some time in the past before the anxiety appeared I was in there. A long time ago. Too long to remember.

A long time ago I also posted here about visiting the Hamilton Mausoleum at night. It was a short stop in the dark when we were doing night drives- can't find the post but I am sure its there somewhere. After the woodland walk we drove back into Hamilton and went for a walk to the Mausoleum. Its a beautiful building and I really should look up the history on it. I do believe visits can be arranged which would be interesting given it has a lot of history. I would imagine at night is a bit spooky too. I was able to get right up and have a closer look as close as the gates would allow. We also walked around it too.

Just another day of getting out. In time these posts will be meaningless- I hope. Mundane to me as they are to any reader. For now though they are steps on the path in the right direction so worth a mention.

1000 Miles

I walked down the street and turned the corner. A little smile to myself. Only I- oh, and you- know but its a landmark for me. 1000 miles walked in a year. Well 10 months actually. Its something to be proud of even if it was not 500 miles out and 500 back.

I was watching the American TV series "Under the dome". I can relate to that. One day out of the blue an invisible dome appears over a town and noone can get out- or in. Its very much like my world. I see my invisible boundaries which are dictated not by how far out I can go but how far I can go and get back. The latter is the most important part. With each step anxiety and fatigue build to a point where I have to judge whether I have enough energy and calm to make it back. Waiting is not an option in that state.

The walls of the dome though have in the past few years extended out so my world is a bigger place.  I can walk further and wait longer. For these things I must be happy. Its heading in the right direction. From this place which is still too limited its far too easy to forget that at one time the dome was around my home and then around my block and hope was too far off in the distance to touch. Its easy to forget just how hard it used to be and just how limited my life was. Time passes and things have improved and although I am still too far away from a normal life its moving int the right direction.

The thing is its been a linear path but I don't think the path to a full recovery will flow that way. Full recovery I think comes in a moment. It comes in a kind of enlightened moment when it all makes sense and everything clicks into place. The weeks and months of reading CBT and doing the exercises finally makes sense. The moment when all is clear and the fear subsides and over time after the habit dies without the fuel to feed to the fear. The ruse. It is a ruse. A ruse I cannot quite get my head around yet but I am getting there and until that day comes I will keep walking and walking and who knows maybe on one of those walks I will just keep going. Maybe on one of those walks the reverse of a decade ago will happen and I will go out the door an agoraphobic and come home back to my old self again.

Bothwell Castle

A nice little trip out in the car tonight as a family. Its easy to forget for so long this was not an option. For so long I could not even leave my own little town in the car. So much was off limits. Years the kids have not had their father with them. Now things have changed. It may not be for long spells or far afield but at least its something.

My wife drove. She drives. She has a great mind for direction. She never gets lost. So she drove here, there and everywhere. In the end we found ourselves at Bothwell castle. I have been there before and posted about it here. In fact just March of this year I blogged about it and the woodland walk we went beside it. This was no greater a journey than that. That is where its easy to forget just how bad it used to be. The first time was December 2009. No walks that day. I used a school pickup as an excuse but the truth is just getting there was hard enough and I could not have taken many steps away from the car.

Now its different. For the first time we were able to walk around the castle and have a peer in. The kids had a great time climbing the walls and just running around in the open space. It was a nice night. Hopefully one of many to come.

Voting

Today Scotland decides on its future and the people of Scotland have to answer with a yes or a no one question: Should Scotland be an independent country? Even something as momentous as this in my own country would normally be ignored by me. In fact until the last 2 or 3 weeks it have completely passed me by. I had no interest in it. Even something this big held nothing for me.

I am approaching my 43rd birthday and I have never voted. I haven't always been agoraphobic. I just never wished to vote. Politics is not something I have needed in my life. My choice has always been not to vote. My own opinion is that politicians annoy me too much to vote. In my mind politics is not about the truth but about lies and spin. The best spinners and liars make the best politicians- images in my head of Jeremy Paxman asking: a simple yes or no. No one going to the polls on any vote knows completely what they are voting for because there is never a clear picture given. After the vote people then find out they were not acutally getting what they thought if they voted with the party which wins.

For me this referendum is a classic case of this. What are people voting for? How will people's lives be effected if they vote yes or vote no? Its hard to say. On every matter there is a claim from one side and a counter claim from the other. Its all turned into a bit of a pantomime.

I have done a lot of new things this year. Again 3 weeks ago I had no desire to add voting to my list. But it changed. I have to be honest and say it only changed because I wanted to add voting to my list. I wasn't sure what to put down. Maybe a spoiled paper- protest vote. Some message on it with both boxes left unticked. Just to go through the process of voting and tick my own box- or cross it. Once I had made that decision to vote though I was drawn into the arguments for both sides. I watched the debates and read the opinions. The opinions that I was more interested in were those with no vested interest- outside of the UK. But then again I suppose it affects even countries outside of the UK. In Germany for example they were saying a Yes vote could start a financial depression. Catolonia meanwhile was looking on intently like some other places where the independence issue is something people are wanting a vote on.

I don't however want to get into politics as this is not the point of this blog. Besides that as I have hopefully made clear I don't know much about politics and nor do I care to. I was a little unsure about saying here what decision I had come to because there is so much animosity. I have never known anything like it. Friends and families are falling out right, left and centre on Facebook. There is more than heated debate. I've seen a few people even deactivate their Facebook because of debate. On there I have said nothing. I have read some complete and utter rubbish and bit my tongue. Its sad really. Alot of people are saying the same as me that they never had an interest in politics until this referendum but by some of the posts they are voting with their heart rather than head. Or that is to say they cannot make an argument because they have not actually bothered to read about what they are voting for or against.

The trouble with this vote is a problem that exists in Scotland and more so in the West of Scotland where I live. As everyone knows there is a sectarian divide and an allegiance to two big football clubs. Although its not everyone there is a large percentage of people who have alligned themselves to a certain side because of their religious beliefs and/or football team they support. For example my kids go to a Catholic school and the majority of parents there appear to be voting yes. That goes back to an independent Ireland. While at other schools there will be a majority of no votes for opposite reasons- allegiance to the Union. As I say its not everyone but a large majority. I see it on my Facebook and my wife sees it on hers. For me that was not a problem being an ashiest and wouldn't have mattered anyway because I'm not swayed like that.

Anyway as I said I did not want this to be about politics. My wife and I had agreed to go together to vote. Voting is at a primary school and its a difficult one for  me. Despite this I walked up there this morning with my ballot card in my back pocket. As I neared the gates though I started to panic and had to walk past. I then tried again and again had to walk past. Fatigue and panic drove me home. Its an age old problem. I built it up into something bigger than it was. I had to tell my wife what had happened and because of it the chances were I would not be voting today. The reason for the latter is it did not stop there. Panic has been raging all day long leaving me feeling shattered and jittery. For those reasons I chose not to vote.

Around an hour ago though my wife went to vote and because she was taking the car I went with her. Even getting driven up there I was a bag of nerves- visibly shaking. The fears were planted and I could not rid myself of them. What were the fears? It was being trapped. It was the fear that once I stepped through the door I could not leave until I had voted. I worried I would go in and voting would take place at the back of the building. I worried that there would be a big queue inside. I worried that there would be a problem and I would have to stand waiting. I worried about so many things. Then I was standing at a booth with a pencil in my hand and shaking. Mind went blank. What was my answer? Yes or no. What way was I going? What if I got it wrong? Even when I put the cross in the box and even after I left I was still unsure I had put it in the right place.

Its going to be close. In fact I am of the opinion that it should need a majority vote to stick. If its one percent or two or something that small then I think its wrong to be decided when almost half the country have voted against it- whatever it is. I have read both arguments. Both give reasons to vote in favour. If I am honest I don't think either outcome will be bad- possibly. I am though still concerned about spin. I am concerned about the state of Scotland and the UK in the event of lies being uncovered after the event.  It is for this reason I decided on what I would vote for. I feel Scotland will become independent. I think one day England and Wales will too. I am not sure where that would leave Northern Ireland. Already there is a push for devolution in England and its no surprise. Having Scottish MPs voting on English affairs but not the reverse is wrong. I don't though think the time for those things are now which is why I voted no.

The reason I voted that way was because I do not think there is one informed person voting today. Not one. And the reason for that is no one has been given the truth about what will happen regardless of how the vote goes.  More than that though there is another reason. In a worst case scenario on either vote it is only the no vote which can be undone. If the country votes yes and it all goes wrong then there is no reverse.  It is done with no way back. That scares me. Neither side has convincingly answered questions asked of them and that has left people guessing. It needed more debate. It needed answers.

However it goes I will accept it. I do worry though that independence without a guaranteed credit union could not only be disastrous for Scotland but damaging also for the rest of the UK.  There is really too much incertainty for me to vote in favour of independence. I think if I didn't have children I would think differently but I would be gambling on their future. I prefer to stick with the known however problematic that is rather than find out what the unknown is like.

When it all comes down to it though there are no winners in this. There is a lot of animosity among the people of Scotland now towards one and other and there will also have been animosity created between Scotland and the rest of the UK. In that regard I think we have all lost. And it won't stop here. However the vote turns out tomorrow there are going to be a lot of angry people who will not let this go. What lies ahead worries me regardless of the outcome.

Bye Boots

I am not one for change it has to be said. Clothes especially, usually presents from my wife, sit for months on end before I get around to wearing them. I'm the same with footwear. I remember my parents bought me a pair of boots for Christmas one year and it was over a year before I actually put them on. They were good boots but not as good as the pair my wife bought me a couple of years before that. Those stayed and saw off the newer boots in time- outlived them by some margin. When my wife bought me a new pair of boots earlier in the year after her work had a little win on the lottery they again sat in a  box in the cupboard unopened. Nothing could replace my old boots. How old I don't know but certainly older than my children.

All good things come to an end though and its with a heavy heart I have to say goodbye to these old friends. It didn't bother me that the wear and tear had made them uncomfortable on my feet and nor did it bother me that the soles were worn away to a bare tread. Something else meant the end of the old boots.

Over the last week or so my left heel has been hurting when I  put weight on it and it has gotten steadily worse- quickly. On Tuesday something seemed to go as I was walking through a car park and it was very sore after. Despite limping on for another mile I could not walk for the rest of the day and had to put my foot up. And despite attempting more walks after I finally had to give up as the pain was so bad. Its a strange thing. Its not sore to touch. I can press my heel without any pain at all but as soon as I stand and put weight on it I have to take the weight off its so sore.

Many suggestions were made as to what it could be. As I can't go to the doctor I must guess. Tendonitis seemed the most likely but then I found out about something called plantar fasciitis. That ticked every box and seems to be most likely- its commonly known as jogger's heel. Not good but comes down to wear and tear caused by not having the right footwear.

So it was bye bye boots and on with the new boots but that was not enough because the pain remains. I have though ordered a special insole for this condition which is cheap and recieved very promising reviews so I am hoping in time that will help me get back on my feet. Bye bye boots, they were great servants.

Pick up

Yesterday my wife was working and the girls were at an after school club. Someone had to pick up my son. That someone turned out to be me. The first time I have ever picked up any of my kids on their own. I know it doesn't sound like much, people around the globe do it every day, but for me it was monumental. Another small step in the right direction. But I must also say I have not done it since.

But its a start. Another item ticked off the list. What is so hard about walking to the school and bringing my son home? To begin with up until the 4th of June last year I could not get to the school and even then after it was hit and miss. Nowadays its easier but still there are times I cannot do it. This is an important part to note: the inconsistency. I remember talking to a woman from the council who wanted a meeting. I'd agreed thinking it was by phone and pulled out when she said she wanted me to go in for the meeting. When I told her I couldn't go she asked: what has changed? There was a reason that time but even if not then I would still have answered that I change from day to day, minute to minute. There is no way to know how I will get from minute to minute. The reason for this is half anxiety and half fatigue. They both feed each other negatively.

Sometimes I cannot get to the school. Sometimes I get so anxious I just have to head home. Sometimes I feel so fatigued that it makes me so breathless and weak and shaky that I must head back home. So getting to the school is hit and miss. It will remain that way until I am on top of my anxiety. That is what I am aiming for. Years ago a therapist told me the fatigue is caused by the anxiety. I am not so sure. Until I am on top of the anxiety I will never know. This makes me very unreliable and of course it doesn't stop there. Its why I do things better off the cuff. If I have to be some place at some time then I also have the anticipatory anxiety to contend with. The apprehension in other words. According to the therapist the anxiety from this causes the fatigue so I am even less likely to get there.

That is what made picking up my son alone such an achievement for me. Getting there was more difficult that usual because of the apprehension over getting there and the wait. It was really sunny. I kept getting bright spots on the way up there- anxiety opens the pupils more to let in more light. Sweating. Unsteady. Breathless. I got there and luck was on my side. Its a big playground and my son's classroom is right at the end and that is where I expected to wait. That is where I expected to stand rooted to the spot unable to move my legs from tension and just wanting to sit or lie down. Its where I hoped no one would spot me and want to chat. I needed to be alone. I didn't need to feel any more trapped. My son's class was though already coming out and he spotted me straight away so after a word and a point the teacher let him run over to me. The distance at that point didn't matter. Relief was pouring in that I did not have to wait. Sometimes they can be out a few minutes earlier while at other times they can be up to ten minutes late. The latter is where the mind was soaked in dread so the relief was to be free from that.

I made a point of leaving slowly. Its important according to the CBT. In fact it would have been more important to wait a bit longer. Wait for the anxiety levels to drop. Break the association of high anxiety with the situation. As it happened though the relief had all but done that.

We walked slowly through the park. Father and son. Like all the other parents with their kids walking in the same direction. Normality- sort of. A taste of it. Something else to tick off. All these little ticks add up. Someday there will be no more boxes to tick. This is why I need to stop the long spells of looking back with regret. Seeing my kids have grown and there have been no family holidays or days out or other normal things and still stuck in that tiny flat with no garden with no sign of that changing in future. But it can change. There is still time and a way to turn this around and if nothing else at least the last year or so there are signs for the first time that I might be walking along that path now.

End of an era

My wife's aunt died last week sadly and with it came the end of an era for my wife. She stayed about 6 miles away and the house where she lived had been in her family for a very long time. Its where my father-in-law grew up and as he is in his 80s now it gives some idea of the length of time. But they never owned it. They could have bought it for pennies but for whatever reason chose not to.

It was upsetting for my wife to see then end of that era. It will be more upsetting is she is ever through that way again and sees another family living in it. I remember that from when my gran died. My gran's home was the hub. It was where family met and when she died family no longer met because there was nowhere to meet. And there was no reason to be in the area. But I was once and saw another family had moved in. Its a strange feeling. Its not right- it can't be. Yet it is. Life moves on.

My wife had some final clearing to do today before the house is handed back to the council. I cannot remember the last time I was in the house. A long time ago. Nearly a decade. In those years I have not even be able to get near it except for once and that was a drive by. Today I was in it to say my fairwells too. It was a big thing. A hard thing. I was completely out of my comfort zone and verging on panic even before the car stopped outside. But I wanted to do it. It was my last chance to see a part of my past and if I did not do it then it would forever be a vague memory.

As hard as it was I managed it. My wife insisted I go upstairs which put me even more out of my comfort zone. I didn't want to. Besides the panic I'd never been up the stairs so had no reason to start. But I went and I tried to stay calm and no rush through things. By the time I left I was calm. The panic had passed.

I am glad I went. My memories of places are very vague. It was good to match things up and it all came flooding back. Its a shame to see the place go. Its sad for my wife that she will never step foot in there again. But life does move on. Having done that I must next set my sights on two other places- my parents and my inlaws.

Allowing the water to settle

On Monday night I decided to push myself, it happens sometimes. Usually to my detriment. This time? Probably. The last time was May when I knew what was coming to an extent and knew I would find it hard to cope but done it anyway. It comes from frustration always. The scenarios change in scene but the essence is always the same: putting myself into a situation I cannot escape from and having to try to ride it out.

It was such a nice night on Monday my wife decided to take the kids to a heritage park in the next town. I have posted about it before. The first time I struggled to walk any distance from the car and the second time I walked right around the loch and even went into the cafe. Drives afar have been so few and far of late that I had no intention of going with them but as they decided to leave I felt agitated at missing out yet again. Despite being extremely anxious I decided to go in the car with them. It was so far the hardest thing I have done. The next town is where it all started when I had a full blow panic attack many years ago. Even just getting there which months ago was not a problem was a struggle this time. Constant panic. Several times on the journey I wanted to ask to head back home and it was only the knowledge I would be spoiling it for the kids that kept my silence. When we arrived there it was full blown panic and I could not get out the car. Horrible position. Didn't want to get out the car and didn't want to stay and just wanted to go home but having to watch my family get out and walk off.

Panic literature will tell you adrenaline has a short life span. The peak of panic is roughly no more that 20 minutes. There can though be many peaks for sure. In my case there were many peaks. The same speak tells you that its important to stay in the situation until the panic subsides and tells you it will subside. That was the plan beforehand. In the moment I was thinking differently. I had three choices: Call my wife from the car and ask her to take me home, try sitting it out for as long as I could stand or get out and join them. The latter was the least appealing but after a few minutes I decided it might help burn off some adrenaline.

I got my camera out and tried to put the breathlessness, weakness and shaking and alarm bells to the back of my mind. I got to the water edge and took photos of things. It was busy. Lots of people circuiting- walking, with dogs or jogging. Going in both directions. Lost to me as I tried to focus on photography but allow the panic to keep raging in the background. Thoughts. Its all thoughts. I was in no danger but in my head where I was in relation to home kept blinking through my thoughts and setting off panicky. Eventually I caught up with my family and made it halfway around the loch. Logic would say making it all around then would be simple but I didn't. I had to turn back. When I got back to the car even though I had taken my time deliberately my family had hardly moved. They were feeding ducks. Another wave of panic. I really needed this to be over soon and they were not moving. I had to phone and ask if they could move it along. I felt bad for doing so after but at the same time the thought of being trapped there and having to wait 15-20 minutes in that state was too much. Or more if they stayed feeding the ducks.

Eventually I went to meet them as I walked the other way around and then my wife decided to take the kids to the play park. Still the panic raged on. It bobbed up and down like rough seas. My little boat was sinking the longer it was thrown about. An hour passed. An hour of panic. In total almost 3 miles walked. I joine them in the swing park. And suddenly nothing. No panic. Only calm. Weird. It just went. An hour of panic fluctuating between full blown and very high. It just went. We stayed about 5 minutes longer even though from there I could have stayed a couple of hours more I felt. At that point I knew the panic was over and not coming back. If only for that night.

It proved to me though that it can be done. Its not easy but it can be done just like self help says. But doing it is not easy. As good as it was to feel that calm even now some days later I have no wish to try it again any time soon. In truth I have been shattered since. Adrenaline really takes it out of you. That allied with all the walking I am doing has completely floored me. I will do it again but think I need to be in the right frame of mind first. At least I saw the waves settle and my little boat bob no more. I need a bit more of that. Heading in the right direction at least.

The colourful Clydesdales

We went for a drive tonight around Hamilton. The purpose was to spot as many horses as we could- well the kids were playing that at least. My daughter says she counted 17. I'm not so sure. Its part of an art trail around the town to boost tourism- you can read more here on the BBC website. Here I got a pic of the kids with one outside the train station. I had two drunked old women telling me to put my daughter on the horse even though there is a big sign saying not to. I quickly legged it back to the car after.

It was a good drive. We were out an hour. My wife pointed out I could have got to her parents home up North in that time. She's not wrong. I just wish it was that easy.

Scottish summer

Only in Scotland, a typical Scottish summer. Just something I really did not need as I've been struggling a bit again. That seems to be the way of things. In anxiety self help lingo they are setbacks. They are supposed to be good things because they give you the chance to practice. That is the theory at least. Unfortunately when you are overwhelmed with anxiety then practice is furthest from the mind and escape is the primary thought.

Life gets in the way sometimes as it does for everyone. Two scary periods of late. The first was on Saturday night. My wife finished by saying: "God, I wish I had not said anything now as I know how panicky you get". She's not wrong. It doesn't take much to set off my alarm bells. This time though I felt I had just cause and reacted like most people would. I think at least. Then again I know there are people who would not worry. Anyway I was coming down the hall in a shorts and t-shirt with my wife coming the other way and she  looked down and said: "what is the lump on your leg?" What? Where? And I sat down to examine and find a lump sticking out of the side of my lower leg about a third of the way up from the foot. There was no pain, wasn't sore to touch and wasn't discoloured. All good things I thought until I made the ultimate mistake of reaching for google.

By Monday I was a wreck. So many worries. The anxious doctor in my head diagnosing all sorts of bad fears. My biggest fear as always is being told I have to go to hospital firstly and secondly being kept in for tests or other things. My wife called the surgery. The receptionist said the doctor would call back soon. No phone call came. 3 hours later a doctor arrived at the door and to my horror he seemed really ill- I felt like I should be the one treating him. He was wheezing badly and after opening the door I don't think he liked the look of those steep stairs. He was a man of few words. After some looking and prodding he said: Vein. Then he went to make his way out. Eh? A vein? The reply: A varicose vein. Shit. I've heard of them but what are they? What causes them? I walk a lot should I cut back? Will it get worse? Should I monitor it? Those are the questions I remember asking but I asked more I cannot remember and to every one I was met with silence. As he made his way to the stairs I asked if it needed treated. He turned and looked at me and said: surgical socks. Then he was at the bottom of the stairs when I jumped down to open the door with a: thank very much for coming out. No answer. He shuffled off looking very put out.

So that was that. Still no idea what that means. My wife tells me not to worry as loads of people she knows has had them. Had them? Do they go? I learned enough at the weekend to know I should not google. So I am none the wiser and will just monitor it.

That was the first scare. Getting back to the start where I was talking about Scottish summers. That was earlier today. Quite unsettling. I went for a last walk down the road. I was sweating with the heat because I had a light jacket on- the only way I could carry a camera without holding it. I passed a woman I know who remarked how hot it was. And it was. As I was coming back home 2 miles later I was thinking of taking my coat off and just carrying it. I was coming through the local park. This is when I started to get unsettled. It was like some disaster movie. The skies had quickly turned from blue to black and the wind steadily was picking up. It cut up a dust storm in the ash park and was running through the grass in waves. I got near the road I had to cross to get home with my home in sight when all of sudden it went mental. Within less than 30 seconds I was soaked through to the skin- even my boxers were sudden. That was fine. The problem was I could not breathe. It was like a hurricane. I had no choice but to turn my back on it and walk away down the street. Panic went full blown. Not only was I walking away from home but the street  I was on is totally exposed with nowhere to shelter from the wind.

The panic was so bad it forced me to try to get home again. There is an old folk's home and a council worker was hiding behind a wall for shelter. Not far. He was looking at me as I tried to get up the street. I was going to make my way to join him. I couldn't. Again I could not breathe and so was forced to turn back. Again the panic spiked. In my mind it could last for hours. I couldn't stay out in that for hours. I had no idea how long it would last.

It lasted probably 5 minutes. By the time I reached the front door blue was cutting through the black and I could feel the warm rays again. It was over. My melodrama was over. The panic was starting to subside. But as silly as it sounds I cannot remember the last time I felt that terrified.

It proves something though and that is I am easily spooked. Two periods where I scared myself and yet were not actually a problem at all. This is what keeps me stuck. No harm done but mentally there is because both have chipped away at my confidence a little more. That though is my doing. I have to deal with these things better if I am to recover. Its all in the head.

The big walk

An orange walk, or any other for that matter, is not something I would usually bother with or post about. This one though deserves a mention because it was huge. It took over our little town today. We'd been warned that roads would be shut and basically the town would be locked down with no way in or out for most of the day. That is why my wife was forced to take the kids out very early and come back much later. My oldest daughter was coming back from Italy with her aunt and cousin. My wife had to go to collect her so had to go out before the lockdown. That left me at home alone. With thousands of people outside on my doorstep and a lot of noise as well as good weather it seemed stupid to ignore it and stay in doors.

As it turned out I was out for a few hours and walked a few miles with my camera. Despite concerns voiced by many before hand I saw no trouble at all. There were certainly a lot of police. I caught there attention early on before the buses arrived. They were patrolling the local park and had people pointed at every entrance and exit. Or so they thought. They were dotted around the perimeter. I bypassed them and went down to the train station for a bit. On my way back I cut through the woods and came into the park to the surprise of 4 police men and women standing chatting. I got the long stare as I passed and then when I looked back two of them had went down into the woods from where I had come. If nothing else I had at least showed them something they obviously did not know was there. So many police that I would imagine most were not local.

I'm an atheist while the rest of my family are catholic so its not the sort of thing I should be seen at. That said though I am glad I did mingle. It was the chance to be around a lot of people within a safe distance to get home if it got too much. And the atmosphere was really good. Spirits were high and there was a lot of smiles and laughter. Getting out for so long though and walking so far really did help a lot today. I felt almost normal and whatever the circumstances that is never a bad thing.

Aimless meanderings

A lack of posting can only mean one thing: nothing to blog about. Such is life. Its like I am walking this long road too fatigued to go on but knowing I have come far too far to turn back. I keep waiting for the horizon to appear and a distant kingdom to gleam. I keep hoping I am getting closer but really the scene never changes and I just get more and more tired. And the time passes. It passes too quickly. There are my kids suddenly grown and still being dragged along this aimless path with me. I promised them a garden. Just a few miles more.

Alas I look in my bag of things to say and all I see are agitated moans and worries and general negativity so I'll spare any readers a torrent of those dark things and get myself a new bag. I'm finding myself drawn ever more to woodland and water and to places generally out of the way of the concrete hellhole I live in well aware that my actions mean my kids have been brought up in a place I do not want them to live in. I am an escapist. I push, I do, but pushing doesn't seem to work. Pushing doesn't help standing in a queue with all the fight or flight responses banging out full blast. Pushing won't save the day: its what you don't do rather than what you do that is key.

The summer has come but has mainly remained hidden from view behind the clouds. I want to take the kids out in it regardless. Take them even just for a walk, an adventure. Or just a run around in the park.

A game of footy. The youngest two had such a good time running about while my wife and oldest were away to Glasgow shopping. We had walked them down to the train station and later went to meet them there. In between on the way back a little kick about. The train. Still no nearer to getting on one. It just seems so overwhelming every time I think about it. Its a strange thing because I can sit for longer and further in the car. It makes no sense. I just have fear holding me back.

Its not actually the journey itself. Its the other side. Its the panic on the train and then having to deal with it at the other side while trying to find my way to the other platform. I know at the shortest stop for example you basically have to walk out of the train station and out on to the street going along and then entering the platform at the other side before waiting for another train. It has to be done but I just don't feel ready. I have come to the conclusion that first I have to practice working somewhere and sitting for as long as I can until the panic subsides. I know the day I do take a train I will sit for a long time with many trains coming and going before finally getting on. I need to feel the panic subside first I think. In fact that is probably the best solution- going to the train station and sitting for as long as I can.

Of course in theory that is fine. In practice a bit more difficult because of people. A few times now I have encountered problems with people. Never one on there own but two or more and in a few cases walking about with a bottle of buckfast. Loudmouth wannabe hardmen looking for someone on their own to goad. That sort of thing.

About a month ago I did sit down there for 10 minutes. Again two loud mouth louts were the only thing you could hear as they swigged their Buckie bottles while waiting for the Glasgow train. I stayed though for the train to arrive, pour them on and take them away. I sat a while longer hoping to wait for another when a group of 4-5 neds arrived on the other platform being equally loud and decided I really couldn't be bothered so left.

Maybe that is what has put me off it. I had a graduated exposure sheet all worked out and then decided I just could not get on the train so had to rip it up and have a rethink. And now another rethink. That is the way to go and that is what I must start doing again. I must get over the paranoia: people will think it strange me sitting here letting trains go past. So what? Before I moved my blog and lost all the comments there was one from a guy who said exactly that: stop caring what people think. The truth is they probably don't notice and if they do they certainly don't care. I read an interview with Gary Oldman today in which he said kids nowadays thing they are the centre of the universe. I know I am guilty of that and so must change. So what? That is the attitude.

The school holidays now have arrived and its usually an excuse to relax things but instead I need to push on. It means every second week I am stuck indoors with the kids. Well that is my usual mindset. The other way of looking at it is its a chance to take them out on my own down the park or somewhere near by. My oldest daughter goes to Italy on Saturday and I will miss her, as well as inevitable worry. In fact I think I won't be able to relax until she returns. I hope she enjoys it.

I guess that is enough musing for now. My posts have become structureless meanderings and I should really start to look at putting something more interesting together. Maybe the summer will bring that.

Alone by the loch

I've got a new camera, my 3rd new camera this year. Sounds a bit extravagant and it is. Much more than I would want. One would have done. At the expense of three I could have got the one I really wanted and still had some change. Spending money we don't have was not the plan but life got in the way. I need a camera. It helps get me out and helps get me mindful. Its a tool. The first was stolen and lost all at the same time when my wife took it to a night out. A few weeks ago she went to an open air concert with my replacement, in the rain, and it came back dead. Warranty? I think when I charged the battery and put in in the camera and turned it on and it made a sizzling sound the warranty was void about that point. Shame. I loved that little camera. So I had to get a new one and very pleased with it even if the photo above from it is poor. There have been some good ones since with it. Just by chance as I looked for a replacement on Amazon there it was in one of their lightening sales at less than 40% of the release price. That said it did come out a couple of years ago but still great value.

I've not had an opportunity of late to really go anywhere and take photos so earlier when my wife had to go over to the big fun park to drop off something for her parents I decided to tag along despite my fears. Tomorrow is my youngest girls communion. Her other siblings were taken tonight to a travel lodge by their grandparents which has become the routine since the last one. As well as them there is my wife's sister and her daughter and at a hotel just up the road one of her other sisters with her family. Going over there was going to fill me full of panic but I thought if I used the camera I could distract myself. The inlaws had forgotten to take the kids toiletry bag so my wife was taking it over in the car through one of the busiest roundabouts in Scotland. I ensured first it would not take long. Will it take long? No. Won't even have to get out the car. Drive there, someone waiting, drop off and back home. Sounded so simple. Even that though would cause panic because of where it was and the fact its a while since I have been out in the car. I decided to brave it.

It turned into a bit of a nightmare. There was noone there to meet us. We were parked outside the place and in a big window in front of us I saw my kids. They turned around and waved. My wife got out and disappeared. That was bad enough. I had already been fighting panic on the dual carriageway. I just wanted to get home. Did not even want to use the camera any more. Just hurry up. Finally my wife appeared after 10 minutes with a sorry which didn't help. And a message: I'm taking my sister to the restaurant at the other hotel, she will be out in a minute. A few minutes later my wife was back out the car and disappeared again. Finally she came back and said that journey was cancelled. Phew, can we go home now? No. She had to then go to the other hotel anyway to get something from her sister.

That was where the nightmare started. 'We pulled up, her sister was waiting and we all got out- god knows what I was thinking. They went in so I followed. There I was met by my wife's brother in law. He'd been sitting have a beer in the bar. It was good to see him as I have not seen him in a few years. He asked me if I wanted a drink. I looked into the bar which looked busy and then I looked around to see my wife had disappeared again. No. God I felt so bad. The part of me still fighting deep down inside wanted to say yes but the larger part said no. Adrenaline was pumping so much I was shaky and everything was getting bright and my breathing was getting shallow. I had to go, I had to walk. So I left feeling really guilty and annoyed at myself. So I walked. I walked for 20 minutes just trying to burn off adrenaline and block out the panic as best as I could. I walked down to the loch where I took the photo above and I walked to the theme park just for somewhere to go and I walked back to the hotel to find my wife still not there. I felt abandoned and trapped. It was not an experience I will want to repeat any time soon. Because I had been thrown in the deep end without notice I was not prepared.

Finally she appeared and finally we were gone. The first thing my wife said was: well done. It wasn't well done though. That is not the way to do it. I can totally understand why my wife thought it and said it and how many who have not experienced anxiety would think that too but there is not a lot of good in enduring something tormenting you just for the sake of it. It was summed up by the next thing she said: Its probably set you back a bit but you done really well. That is exactly it. It has set me back. All it has done is added more fear and apprehension the next time I get in the car to go somewhere.

But its done. If I can find any positive its that its given me a taste of what I am missing and where I would like to be. Just like tomorrow when I will be the only one absent from my daughter's communion when I would love to be there for her. I just want to get back to that normality of doing these kind of things and being able to take them in without being to busy fighting the fight or flight repsonse. A short stroll by the loch for example on a beautiful night should have been, for me enjoyable. Even the mingling among the many people there wondering about in the evening sun happy should have been enjoyable. It was thought just endurance and I was so glad just to be heading home.