Going places

This week I will have to fill out that ATOS assessment form. Been putting it off since I noticed the deadline for return was 11th February. So leaving it. Out of sight, out of mind. Not out of the way though. Just the begining. Since its arrival after dealing with a good deal of panic I decided to forget it for a bit. And its helped. Living in ignorance always does.

But things have generally been better. Still a lot of testing things but I had a really good find which seems to be agreeing with me for some reason. I have been tracking my walks since 2009. Its a tiresome process. So I decided to try to find an android app to do it all for me and I find one I did. Its had an amazing effect. It tracks the distance, the time and even the changes in height as well as keeping detailed data and a map with the walks drawn on them. Brilliant. Just what I was looking for, and for free too.

Why its pushed me on I don't know. Last week I did my single biggest walk since starting records in 2009 beating a distance I set in 2010- I won't embarrass myself by saying what that distance is. I also walked the most I have walked in one day. And finally walked the most I had walked in one week. All good stuff and all lifting my mood. Even today I beat my single biggest walk again by a distance I never imagined I would do.

For some unknown reason I feel like I have more energy. Rather than talk distances I will talk in time. Usually my walks are between 10-15 minutes if I do not stop and I usually feel whacked out by the end of them. Today my first walk was 25 minutes and the second was nearly 35 minutes. Again this is with hardly any stopping- stop and I start to get anxious because it brings all the chatter to the front of my mind. And to top it all off I have been feeling relatively OK after the walks as well as during.

It is though never straight forward. It seems every time I start getting somewhere something outwith anxiety rears to put me on hold and inevitably leads to starting over because if I don't walk for a spell then its harder getting out after. In the past its been numerous things like severe constipation in which the pain was so bad I had to call the GP out- the last time I saw him in person. Also after that I got a chest infection. And this is what is worrying me at the moment as I have all the signs of another chest infection. I could well do without it.

Little victories though from this increase in walks and confidence. I have been into the supermarket a few times for a browse but not built up enough confidence to buy anything- which will please my wife as the last time I did she was getting worried that I spent money every time I went for a walk. I have also returned to places I have not been for a long time. Even went into Greggs and bought myself lunch the other day- didn't tell my wife.

So all mostly good for a change and trying to keep my mind above all the bad things happening and the fears of other things happening. If the walks keep going the way they have been going then I think it will be a big improvement. I have not however been working on the anxiety which I really must do. It seems the spell of putting it from my mind has really helped for a bit of respite but on the couple of ocassions I have had panic it has hit me hard because I have not been doing the work.

For now though I have some things to hold on to and some hope to build on. I also have a few experiments in mind but they involve the car and at the moment its off the road again- on its last legs actually and an endless financial drain of resources. The reason I need the car is to seperate anxiety from fatigue and concentrate on the former. If I go somewhere far enough in the car I will panic but its different from the walks because with the walks its 100% about whether I can physically make it back home- anxiety based on he fatigue. Not so with the car. No fatigue sitting in a car. So I need to go somewhere in the car and far enough that I will panic and try to work out what the hell is going on. This is why I need to return to the anxiety work so that when the car is back on the road I am prepared.

Plans in motion anyway.

Assessment

The only upside is that today for the first time when I heard the postman put something through the door I no longer felt that dread. That is reserved now for the phone. The inevitable letter finally arrived. When it arrived I know not.

Yesterday I walked with the boy over to the Sport Centre to meet my wife from work. When she didn't appear I phoned and it turns out she had the car. So instead of heading back we walked around the building to the car park only to find she couldn't get a space there so had to park on the ash park opposite in the furthest away spot. Way out of my comfort zone but too far gone to turn back so I pushed on and was glad to finally get there and be driven home- though bloody fatigued.

When she parked she said she had a confession to make. That morning going to work she spotted a brown envelope at the door and after lifting it she saw it was addressed to me from the department of work and pension. To avoid giving me early morning panic she had taken it to work and read it there. So why was she telling me this now? Because I need not worry. Immediately as she told me this I felt a great weight of relief. I have been waiting on a summons from them since last year. I seem to remember 2 or 3 years ago getting a letter saying they would leave me alone until 2013 but I could never find it so was on tenter hooks all last year which didn't help my anxiety. Turns out that was true and if I had found that letter I may have had a better 2012 though dreaded 2013 more. But even if I found the letter there was no guarantee with a change of system they would not change the goalposts.

Anway, my relief was short lived. The reason I was not to worry she told me was it was just about the change from income support to ESA. Dread returned very quickly. She obviously had not read past the first few lines and hadn't realised that is exactly the letter I had been dreading. Panic quickly started to rise.

As I said I have no idea when the letter arrived. It is dated 27th December 2012 but definitely was not there the day before after the postman had been. My wife said it had probably been put through the wrong door and someone had decided to pop it through this morning. A bit of a problem that though because the letter says I am to expect a phone call within 2 weeks of the letter. That letter was written 2 weeks ago today. The chances are they have called but as it would not be a number I know or was expecting I would not have answered it because I am sick of answering spam calls so don't unless I know the number. And I doubt they would have left a message. Still though I dread the ring of the phone but if it does not ring by tomorrow night I will need to phone them.

So what is all this about? The party line is that it is to help me. Its to assess whether I need to be on benefits or with their help looking for a job. So they say. In theory I don't have a problem with that. In fact in some ways I would welcome that. I do not see myself as an invalid. I am not an invalid. I am agoraphobic. I have an anxiety disorder. And whether it is related or not I also have a big problem with fatigue. Those are the negatives. On the positive side I would like to think I am not dumb. I have a background in computers- IT, Database management and computer programming. I have developed good keyboard skills so I can type fairly accurately (I never said I was good at spelling or grammar!) and quickly without needing to look at the keyboard. I have a laptop. I have internet access. I am good to go. In short I am able to work but not outside my home- at the moment. Twice in the past few years the job centre have contacted me and I have told them the very same thing: Yes I can work but I cannot travel so could you please help me find work from home. They don't have anything. I was told to do a google search and all that turns up are scams you have to pay for up front. Give me some data entry and I'll gladly do that for however many hours a week and take great pride in earning again. I know its a bit much to ask and if the jobs were there most prople, though not my wife, would prefer to work from home rather than have to travel. Maybe its a social thing. Another anxiety to add to the collection. But I have no problem with working, only with travelling.

But that is not what it is all about. I have spoke to lots of people about this which I will get to in a moment. Firstly they call you to ask you questions, "they" being AtoS I presume. Then they send you a questionnaire. And finally they want you to go to an assessment centre for an assessment which basically is more questions to answer. I like to think of myself as a problem solver but you don't need to be one to see what a massive waste of time and money that is. In essence questions need answered so why have 3 tiers when you have to go through every tier anyway? Surely it would be better to get it all done in one session whether that be by phone, questionnaire or assessment room.

That though is not the gripe. From what I know talking to people, reading forum posts, reading blogs, Facebook, Twitter and all the rest this process is not to help you but a simple exercise to prove you don't qualify for benefits and are in fact able to work. They ask questions that by little boy would answer yes to but that does not mean he is ready for a working life. Its all about taking away the benefits you are given. And that is the biggest worry for me. I don't like living off handouts and would much prefer not to but we cannot afford not to and if, probably when, this money is taken away we are going to be in a serious financial state which is too worrying to contemplate.

The problem is that they have heard there are a few bad apples and so have jumped on the conclusion that every stinking barrel full of apples must be rotten to the core. I must be rotten to the core. I must be a cheat. I must be a benefit scrounger too bone idle to work with a preference to sit at home all day inside the same 4 walls. Its my choice not to go on holiday for 7 years. Its my choice not visit the doctor when I am ill. Its my choice not to visit the dentist when I have a broken tooth or toothache. It would be my choice if I was in extreme pain not to go to the hospital or even go there to see an ill relative or friend. Its my choice not to see my friends. It was my choice not to see my newly born son until he was three and a half weeks old and not visit his mother, my wife, for the month or so she was kept in hospital. Its my choice not to go to school plays and church and other things where the kids stand with their parents and my kids stand with their mum looking like a single parent family. Its my choice to stay in a small damp ridden 2 bedroom flat with a wife and three young children than than work so we can get a house with the room we need. Yes I prefer all these things rather than working and that is why I do it. That is why I have slept in the same bed since August 2006 every night. That is why when my friend who I have not seen in over a decade and now lives in Switzerland asked to come through to see me on a recent trip back home and I declined. That is why I declined to go to another friend's wedding who I have not seen for over a decade and would so love to meet up with. I would just do anything rather than work. I would give away my whole life just so I don't have to work and can instead kick my heels back on the benefit system.

That is what they are telling me. And for this not only will it cause me much distress and worse to come but also hugely affect 4 other lives who are innocent in all this. Do they not for a minute think I would do anything within my power to ensure that doesn't happen? Do they not think I care for my family? The truth is though it is not in my hands. My GP is medically trained and works with real problems every day. He is compassionate. He knows my sitatution. He understands it. He helps me when he can. He knows I am trying every way I can to get better. But his word doesn't count either. Some specialist will instead decide my fate not with anything I tell them other than how my answers match up to their questions. And that is another gripe. The truly job dodgers are the very people who will get around that by lying and/or hamming it up. What you find is those genuinely unable to work like the majority will be honest and pay the price for that honesty.

As I said the detrimental financial impact is the biggest concern. Another big concern is also the assessment itself. There is no way I can go anywhere for an assessment but from what I am gathered I should be able to change the assessment to here. That though presents me with another problem. I have trouble with people. I have trouble with my own family never mind a stranger asking awkward questions. I was panicking every time the CPNs came in the past even though I knew it would be no more than an hour visit. I just have trouble with these sorts of things which is so bad that I cannot be left alone with anyone but even having my wife there does not help if I have to be present for the duration. The suffocation from being trapped in a situation overwhelms me. And that is another reason why at the moment I cannot work- outside the home.

No good is going to come of this that is for certain. The only light at the end of the tunnel for me is that a hell of a lot of people who have been told they are losing their benefit have appealed and won their appeal. That gives me some hope. Obviously longer term I want to either get back into work or be self sufficient in some other way but for now that is not possible so I have a fight on my hands. I'm sure it is something I will be posting about in the coming weeks depending on how it affects me. And it will affect me. These things affect me greatly regardless of the outcome. I know I have to work harder than ever with my anxiety now not to get better but just to mentally keep my head above water or it will all come crashing in leaving me housebound yet again. I really do not want that as its the darkest of places believe me.

Lastly though I guess there is a little relief at the moment that its finally here and I am not a dark cloud hanging over me. Its here. Nothing I can do about that. Have to accept it. The certainly were know slow. When they said they would leave me alone until 2013 I didn't think they would strike before the bells. But they have.

At sea

Bits and pieces that make no sense at all now and are very vague led up to the scene where I was in some type of boat. It was small, I was at water level. The movement was not right and even I knew that. It was more like a remote control car on the living room carpet than a boat on water. The acceleration was too swift but I did not fall back with the burst of speed. Instead I seemed to glide along with it. I was sitting at the prow and could feel the water spray on my face. We were going forward and then too suddenly changed direction at a 45 degree angle heading straight for a man in a little rowing boat. Now to smash his boat in two through the side because now I was sitting higher in the water in a larger vessel. I could see the sharp front of our boat heading straight for the smaller one. This captain is a madman, I thought. I shut my eyes for the impact. I heard nothing. The little boat was now on the port side. How it got there so quickly I don't know. The man in it looked impassively at me. Grey beard, pipe and a fisherman's hat with a thick black coat. I'd seen him earlier. In fact this was the third time I had seen him and always expressionless. He didn't seem to think anything was a miss and if he had known his little boat was nearly cut in two then he was not showing it.

Suddenly it was like me had moved from open seas to a coast. There was a big castle. I patted my pockets for my little camera and cursed to find them empty. Bloody typical. I don't get much of an opportunity to take photos of anything other than my small surrounding area and now with the opportunity of new photography I don't have my camera. It happens every time, in dreams. Maybe this was the first seed planted for the inevitable but I did not know that at the time. As the scene passed before there were lots more things of interest to take in and curse. A waterfall. Lots more besides but I cannot at this time recall.

My first thought was to go back and get my camera but a few problems with that. Firstly I had no idea where I was. I had no idea how I got here. Also I had no idea where the camera was. Lastly, we were in a boat so how could I get back on land to get my camera- I just knew I didn't have it with me. The last thought was a second seed. Now I see them. Little thoughts connecting to make bigger thoughts. Then I remember thinking I should find my wife and see if I could borrow her phone. Not ideal but something at least.

The journey outside to in I cannot remember. I'm not quite sure how I started in a little rowing boat and ended in a large boat and nor did I even give it a second thought inside what I can only describe as a cruise ship or maybe something smaller but bigger than a ferry. There were people walking about with enough room not to have to squeeze past each other. I found my wife but I don't think I asked her about her phone and then she was gone and I was somewhere else on the boat, or ship, entirely.

I was then on the deck again. I could see my son on some kind of fairground ride high up and my wife was there with them. I think I saw the girls too. And as I was watching this I started to feel a real dread consume me. A kind of deja vu. A black cloud enveloping my mind. All of a sudden I started to panic and the thoughts came rushing in. Where am I? How can I get home? I need to get home now. I'm on a boat, I can't get off. I'm trapped. Panic after panic as I clawed my way nowhere in particular but just pushed by the urge to flee somewhere I was trapped. Panic leading to despair leading elsewhere I don't want to go. And then I woke.

It took a few minutes for reality to settle in and to calm a little. The dream was now gone but the adrenline rushes from that dream were very much real and I could feel it coursing through me. The panic subsided as soon as the dream ended and reality seeped in but I was still feeling jittery.

It doesn't happen that often but I suppose regular in as much as I don't recall dreams that often. Its always the same story but different people and locations. It as not always this way but in the last few years this seems to be happening more and more. It always pans out the same no matter where I am or who I am with or even when I am- I have had one where I was in my early twenties or there about. Always I start off with no concerns and like the before time then as the dream goes on my anxiety from life creeps in and I have a panic attack. Always it stops when the dream stops and with the panic that is when the dream stops.

I'm not a great one for dream analysis or that kind of thing but I can't help thinking there is a purpose to this and maybe something I am to take from it. I don't know. Might be well off the mark. Its not the first time I have written about here. Even as far back as 3 years ago I wrote about another dream like this in "The Mount". Maybe its just the mind trying to make sense of it all. Maybe not. Maybe there is a purpose. Maybe if I get through the panic in the safety of dreamland it will help me in the real world though I doubt it because in slumber we are even less aware and everything seems to happen without our will. Maybe it is just a reflection on my mental state and will only stop happening when I am on top of the panic. Maybe its a reminder than I am not and need to do something about it.

And that could well be what it is. I have not worked on my anxiety since the end of last year. I probably need a kick up the backside to get me going again. I've not had that much panic in the past month or so and have become complacent despite as agoraphobic as I ever was and as fatigued as I ever have been this last half decade or so. It is time to get working again.

Archeologist

One in a million. What do you make of that? Its a good things, the majority would say. I am no different. But somewhere in the back of my mind cogs start to turn. One in a million. An estimated seven billion people on the planet. So really you are no different from seven thousand others. American million is different from a British million. Isn't it? Apparently not. Apparently its the same. Maybe its in relation to millionaire. Off my mind goes on a tangent, off my fingers go on google. At some point I have to step in and say: STOP! OK its stopped. But very soon it will be away processing again.

What this constant process does is tire the mind. Its constantly clogged with on-going processing which doesn't leave much CPU for anything else. Its also distracting. It can pull you in. You get dragged in there and pull out answers and ask more questions. Introspection.

Most people spend most of their time thinking at the surface level. I spend most of my own much deeper than that. If you think of the surface level being the real world then that is where most people live. Not me. I am the archeologist constantly digging under the surface looking for my next gem (of information). A metaphorical workaholic digging deeper and deeper below. Reside there and not in the real world makes the real world a strange scary place. Its an uncomfortable place. While on a dig for days or weeks or maybe even months I can find myself dragged back to the surface to participate in the real world with visits and going out and its difficult to adjust. I panic. I feel very uncomfortable. And as dark and lonely as the beneath is I crave to get back there. So much so I am overwhelmed by the urge to escape.

This is how I see it. But its not bad. Not if you can see it. And not if you believe there is a way that may lead to less digging and more time spend in the real world. Stop digging, you say. Yes. That is indeed it. It is though easier said than done. The concious effort to stop is a very temporary thing and its tiring in itself to keep doing that and to be honest near impossible to keep up. Mindfulness. That is I believe the way to do it. Actively being more mindful. Its something I need to try. Mindfulness and dealing with problems instead of letting them linger- something I have mentioned before. Two things. My resolutions for 2013. I hope I have made my last dig or at least now start to tunnel back up to the surface.