2014

The end of the year brings a time of reflection and so I reflect. My memory though is not so  good. Before looking back at the year I decided to have a look back at this time previous years and to my astonishment the last time I posted on new year's eve was 5 years ago. As foggy as my memory is I was pretty sure that was not the case. Maybe I deleted posts at some stage or they disappeared on the move. Last year I waited until the start of this one with a post looking forward rather than back, maybe that is the way. I did that a few times before. In 2009 though I posted about the year and how there were some little positiive signs to hang on to and looking to the year ahead. As it turned out those hopes were unfounded at the end of 2009 and I went downhill fast in the two years that followed. Maybe its because now I seem to have found myself in a similar position now that I feel the need to reflect. A better place though, much better place. For the first time in this period of anxiety induced stasis I actually feel like I am on the road back to wellness or normality at least. I've felt although there is a long way to go still that I might be getting there. Signs of things I used to take for granted returning.

It has been a good year and that is something I never thought I would be staying at the begining. The year started with a letter from ATOS and the panic that brought. Its something that when it was over brought relief and disappeared from my mind but that period is coming back to haunt me because in April things are about to get stormy again in that regard. That though is the only cloud in a clear sky ahead so thought I might as well get that out the way. My achievements have been many this year and too many to list. They are scattered throughout in posts. 1300 miles walked is an achievement in itself but that is just a means to an end. In essence I have been going further from home and staying out longer in places I have never been or not been for a long time by car and on foot. One of the pleasing things was finding a load of maps I had marked out with routes I would like to do one day which I remembered at the time I had no chance of ever getting near and yet finding on the rediscovery that I had completed them all and more. So many things to mention and yet so much more yet to be done but I feel closer than ever that I am getting closer to them. More than that I have built a belief now that they can actually be done rather than just dreamed about.

A list has not been created as yet but will be written out in the coming week. Not resolutions which I can tick off as I break but places I want to go and things I want to do. I am as yet unsure of whether to post the list as its probably more a personal thing but then again its a personal blog about my life so I might do. Some things simple and some not so. For example going somewhere by train which has been on my mind for a long time and eats away at me so much I really have to get it done. Plenty to look forward to. Aside from these things there are others I need to look at too like work and hobbies in that order. I have let my photography interest fall away which is a shame because the interest waned shortly after saving for and buying a decent camera which has turned into an expensive ornament and the camera itself has become almost obsolete.

Work though. That preys on my mind always. What to do? Where to start? Wishing I had a mind to start something up myself rather than be employed but always coming up short. Computer programming is always something I keep returning to with the blend of interest, enjoyment and creativity but a long hill to climb to get there given I have been out of the loop so far and not even sure where to start. I need to work but still not at that point yet where I could go out and do a full day's work or even half a day. Not on top of things enough to be able to do that but getting ever closer to it. Something to keep in mind at least in the hope that something clicks into place.

So many good memories for this year and if this coming year runs the same course I will be very happy indeed. As well as reflecting its a time to look forward and I feel at this point in time I can with some real hope for the future. Not just for me but the knock on effect of my family.

With that I would like to say to all reading this have a fantastic 2015 wherever you are in the world and I hope the future is good to you.

43

Yesterday was my 43rd birthday. A time to reflect. In a better place for sure- anxiety wise- but not anywhere near where I want to be as yet. I had thought I made a birthday post every year. This is my 6th year on the blog but I have in fact only post twice previously- 2013 and 2011. Looking back what I see is everything reduces. Last year I posted a pic of the cards and there were 7. This year there were 3- nothing from my side of the family. Each year means less. Its all about the kids as it should be but this is a life and so it needs marking too even if there is not much going on.

I am though in a better place as I said. Its vastly improved from 2011 when I turned 40. That was a bad year. it was without doubt the worse year since I started this blog in 2008. It was time of real worry. The agoraphobic world had been closing in year by year and in 2011 it got at small as it could get really without being housebound. Its easy now to forget just how limited my life was back then. I could not go anywhere and could barely tolerate visitors. It was a very lonely time and rife with panic. And a real worry. As every year my world got smaller I feared just how small it was going to get, where it would lead. The trend was an ever decreasing circle and dread grew every day.

Since then though things have picked up. They started slowly but this year they have really rocketed. I have done so many things I was unable to do for years and continue to do so. Hope has replaced dread and I know I am heading in the right direction. I am starting to do normal things. Things like taking the kids to school and even shopping at times. I am going places I would not have contemplated 3 years ago and staying out longer. I am happier, less lonely. And from that point of view its the best birthday since blogging.