Can't Wait

Lately since I've been out and about more I've noticed the world moves a lot faster than I remember. Everyone is in a hurry and as a result people have become a hell of a lot less accommodating. Today I was taking the boy across the road and we waited for the green man. When he appeared we crossed and as we were halfway across a taxi sped right in front of us. If he had looked and could lip read then his ears would have burned. Instead the looked out the other window and reclined with a yawn- something my brother does when he is lying. A sure sign for me that he just couldn't wait and felt a little embarrassed about doing it. But done it nonetheless.

Its not a single incident. I have lost count of the amount of times I've had to ask school kids to move who when standing in a group see you coming but expect you to walk around them on the grass. The other day I had to push through two women coming the other way who strode side my side. One had a kid in a buggy and the other had two kids in a double buggy. Again they expected me to make way. Three times last week I had to stop at a zebra crossing near the supermarket because cars didn't stop. In fact today I was approaching the same crossing when two lads coming the other way had to stop suddenly as a car sped past their path. I could recite countless cases of ignorance and people who just won't wait.

And to top it off tonight my mum visited. My eldest daughter and I escorted her to the bus stop and waited for 20 minutes in the cold and rain. Finally a bus arrived but it wasn't her one. Then I noticed a bus pull in behind and went to have a look. As a passenger got off I noticed it was her bus so called her over but as I did the bus indicated to pull out. My mum tried to wave him. He saw her, smiled, waved back and drove off. Obviously he was playing catch up but he knew full well it was 40 minutes until the next bus and also saw a small child with her. I was livid but could do nothing as I helplessly watched the bus disappear down the road.

Its not the whole world. You do still find considerate and polite people. But they are the minority. And its not just me it would seem. My wife is in a constant fury when she sees able bodied people stepping out of cars in disabled bays and single drivers coming out of parent and child bays. There are rules but they are pointless when they are not enforced and their are no repercussions. So I suppose that goes for manners too. To me I see a lot of people who don't need to so don't bother. God I'm turning into a grumpy sod!

The visit

My wife's best friend has been and long gone. I'm glad to report the fleas never reared their head but they have since been spotted. It went OK. In fact in meant much the same as last time. There was the initial 20-30 minutes high anxiety to get through on arrival then after that it came in waves. Then the following day again around lunchtime I was hit by sheer panic which was very hard to control, not enjoyable but as I had nowhere to run to had to just put up with.

So while the women went off to Glasgow on the back of a few glasses of white wine to see Will Young at the Armadillo I stayed at home with the 3 kids and a couple of glasses of Rose wine. It was I have to say very nice. The kids were well behaved and enjoyable to look after for a change. The TV was off so I just relaxed.

The following day in the kitchen her friend asked if I'd had a good sleep. No was my reply. Lying on a half blown up mattress feeling every bone in my body grind with every turn only protected by the cold with the cog equivalent of a giant tissue paper did not make for a good sleep. I thought the quilt belonged to us but in fact it was her daughter's summer quilt. No wonder I was bloody freezing while the ladies slept in warmth in the bedroom.

But all good. Though my walks have taken a knock since and I've been feeling a bit rundown. This happened last time too. I guess the tension from a period of constant anxiety is sapping. This is also what happens any time you push yourself. You don't become anxiety free but instead cope with it for a longer spell but your body is still straining all that time. Over time you notice these things and it helps because not knowing is very confusing and frustrating.

The good thing is that I didn't dread this visit like I did last year and when it was over I wasn't wishing the next to be a long way off. It seems we learn all the time. And as off as I feel after it these sensations no longer hold me back. Its been 4 months since a day passed without me going out. Even though I've struggled over the last few days I have still gone out at least once and kept up my walking total for the week of 12km. Even tonight when my wife had to nip around to ASDA the easiest thing for me to do would have been to watch the kids while she went but instead I volunteered to go to and we went as a family.

You see when I can I want to push myself out. Tonight was a little different because usually I have got to be in the right frame of mind. This morning during a coughing fit I pulled a muscle in my neck and its bloody painful. Not only on the right hand side of my neck but the shoulder and pain in the upper right arm. So not the way I would usually go out but I went and I didn't enjoy it one iota. In fact at one stage I started to sweat and go dizzy standing in the queue. Not anxiety but just from the pain. But I did it and to be honest I don't know why because it proved nothing and was of no benefit to anyone. But there was one good thing. On the way home in the car in the dark the Christmas lights in the town were on and the kids enjoyed looking at them in awe. That was good enough to hear their joy, I couldn't turn around, but also my wife remarked that I wouldn't have seen the lights last year. That is true. Not the year before that or the year before that. Some things have changed and have become so commonplace that I have forgotten how hard they once were.

Forced out

My wife already suffers from an inferiority complex of sorts when her friend comes to stay- about once a year. Not that her friend is the type to look down and she knows that but pride has her scrubbing her little flat top to bottom until it sparkles so that when her friend comes from her big house out in the sticks with its multiple rooms and own burn she won't feel so bad. It also must be said that my wife is ultr-hygienic verging on the point of OCD when it comes to cleanliness. That is why I can count on two hands the number of nights the children have not been bathed. It is an overkill and even on those missed nights they were under special circumstances. Tomorrow her friend arrives and the home is infested with fleas. You can imagine her horror. Lets face it regardless of social standing who wants to invite a guest to a house of fleas.

Oh yes, when a young girl woman sat in my living room thanking the wife for taking her cat into our home and watching three young children run about her she neglected to say we were taking on a lot more. After she left we should have noticed that the flea collar and the flea spray that came with his handkerchief on a stick was a good indication. It was only a few days later when my wife noticed all the little blighters while combing him that we finally realised. The pet shop sold her something called 'Frontline' which was hidden in a cabinet like the crown jewels but couldn't be applied for 4 weeks because in between my wife had tried two lots of other sprays without success. So finally when this was applied it did exactly what it said it would and the cat has been flea free since but he's the only thing in the vicinity which is. More spays purchased, lots of hoovering and washing and still they remain. To say I am fuming would not even come close. I bite my lip because whenever I open my mouth it just makes my wife feel guilty. All in all to date we've spent over £100 which could have been put to better use at this time of year.

Yesterday morning I forced myself out in the car with wife driving and boy in the back. Another mission to cleanse the house before we call for an exorcism. I've never been in Hamilton during the day for a long time so it was special milestone for me. While my wife "popped in" to get what she required I followed with the boy. We looked at the fish in the rows of tanks and then had a little peer down at the rabbits as time ticked on. Finally a little agitated I went to find my wife and discovered her in deep conversation with a young shop assistant who obviously knew as much about pest control as I did. Still my wife bought it and we came away with two bombs. More expense and I presumed more futility.

Bombs was about the right description though they were like some kind of firework. We were supposed to vacate the house for 2 hours but there was no way I could manage that amount of time so half an hour would have to do. My wife lit the bombs and as I walked out the door with the boy I had a look back to see funnels of dark grey smoke rising from these things on the floor beginning to fill the air. Thoughts of coming home to blackened home filled my mind as we went to pick up my daughter from nursery. We picked the youngest girl up, got some fuel and then headed out for lunch at McDonalds drive through- a novelty that my daughter enjoyed and my older daughter cursed her for later having missed out.

My wife suggested we eat our food beside Strathclyde Loch to kill some time. I had already killed more than enough time and as hungry as I was knew that if I was to get more anxious I wouldn't be able to eat but I thought I would at least give it a try. Like all of that morning had been it was very uncomfortable. At times I wanted to run and at other times I was fine. We were there for the best part of an hour. I got out for 10 minutes after eating taking photos of swans, geese, birds and anything else I could find. Oh and the water of course but no touching this time as I was frozen. Then the rest of them joined me and we walked about for a bit. It was good.

We decided to go back home through Hamilton again. Having not been there in the city centre during daylight for over 3 years I was going through for a second time that day. We even passed the job centre above where I have been dreading going. Looking at it I still don't fancy it much. Its a bit of a walk, for me, to it from the car and then my the looks of things quite big and imposing inside. Its years since I have been in a job centre. The last I remember of them they were all open plan. Incidentally when I first claimed the job centre was 5 minutes walk away and shortly after I had my big panic attack they closed it down so all about me must travel in to here instead.



Before heading home we went to a cemetery. I go on a site where there is a monthly competition to win a new camera and this months theme is "remember remember". Originally I had ideas of brilliant fireworks and illuminated big wheels and all sorts of eye candy but as I stated in a previous post Firework night didn't turn out like that. Instead I had to go for sparklers with the girls. One of the images had my oldest daughter looking a bit manic so I spruced that up a bit but couldn't get it to work right. I hate low light. So I needed an alternative.

Instead I decided to use remembrance day. I knew there was a local memorial commemorating all of the people who died in the first war and had located it to a cemetery so to kill more time we went there. The memorial is quite magnificent and there were of course a lot of poppy wreaths placed at its foot. The only problem was the lack of sky which was instead just a grey nothingness. By this time the boy had fallen asleep so while my wife watched him I took my daughter for a walk around the headstones. A bit morbid I know but I find them to be beautiful when they are well kept and very peaceful



When we got back indoors the mist was thick. I was choking as I went around the home opening the windows. Two hours of bombs had certainly stolen the breath from our home. Even with the windows open it was so bad that I decided to take the kids out for a walk. The boy was less than impressed with his new hat and refused to move for most the walk but I didn't let it anger me as I usually do. In fact I was quite calm. In all I'd been out for 45 minutes in the morning and then 2 hours shortly after. We'd covered nearly 25 miles which is close to the best we have done at night and to be honest I could have stayed out much longer. Even the walk was fine and again I could have walked more. It was a very good day- the best in fact for a long time. And all because I was forced out the door my little parasites and there may be more to come as they are still not gone. Even as I type my wife has just come in from work and is on her hands and knees inspecting things, tutting and squashing while I start to itch. We now have a vet approved spray to try named RIP. More money and the last resort.

Fireworks Night

Fireworks night? I never know how to refer to it. Over the years at different times and maybe sometimes in the same day its been Fireworks night, Bonfire night and Guy Fawkes night. Not sure what the official one is nor if there is an official term. For this post though I'll refer to it as fireworks night as it is those that we see and hear most of every year as opposed to Guys on the bonfire.

For us it was a letdown this year but I can't blame those around me this time. We just didn't plan well enough. Last year my wife took the kids to a friend's house where they had a small bonfire, fireworks, marshmallows, etc. My wife actually made the guy and before the bonfire was lit my youngest daughter tried to heave it out and then ran away crying when it was set alight. I can understand as it was pretty lifelike made of the kids' old clothes with a hooded top pulled up obscuring the face. I carried it down and it was child size and I'm sure passing motors must have thought I was carrying a child under my arm. Enough to give anyone nightmares.

This year though there were no invitations and the only thing on locally was at the big park which had live music, a large bonfire, a big firework display and lots more. As this was free and bound to be mobbed with only one way in and out we decided not to go- even my wife didn't want to go. Instead we decided to take the kids out the front with some sparklers beneath the myriad of flying rockets and the like that fill our skies every year. We would have bought our own fireworks be we also did that the year before and the kids lost interest very quickly. Then later we would go for a drive to see the surroundings alight from some great vantage points. It seemed a good plan.

The kids enjoyed their sparklers but that was about it. For the half hour we were out you could have counted the fireworks in both hands that we saw. In fact I've heard more tonight. And as we drove out and about there was virtually nothing near while amid the hazy smoke we could sometimes make out the odd one or two. It was a real shame. If only we had thought it through then we should have bought some fireworks anyway. In the car the kids quickly lost interest in looking for any and played a game between themselves while the boy fell asleep. He's ill at the moment and the oldest is still getting over the illness that kept her off school most of the week which didn't help in the cold. Next year though will be different. If I cannot take them somewhere as I do plan to do then I'll put on a show to make up for this disappointment.

The youngest even managed to burn herself by picking up a sparkler after it was out- something we'd warned her time after time about it. In fact I'm starting to wonder about her. In so many ways she is a bright button except when it comes to common sense. The day before I'd taken all three kid around the block and as usual as we walked by the roadside I had to keep a close eye on the boy. I was then distracted by a scream from my youngest daughter and looked up to see her stumble on to the road at a blind bend. It was a real scare as its not busy but vehicles fly around that corner and would not have seen her. Just lucky on this occasion that nothing came around. Still I do not know what happened. She says the wind blew her. After I got her back on to the road I remembered the boy in time to see him trying to step off the pavement on to the road. I was a bag of nerves after it and as I'm the obsessive type kept running the event over and over again in my mind in worst case scenario.

In all the times she has come out with me that was the first time anything like this had happened. Later I took just her around the block and lectured her about the road and why under no circumstances she must step on it. I then took a photo of a reflection in a puddle. She asked what I was doing and I explained about reflections. To my disbelief at the exact same spot she stepped on to the road to look at her reflection in a puddle just as a lorry was coming around. Before I could think I had yanked her back off the road by the hood which gave her enough of a fright to send her into tears. I couldn't believe she had just done it again. Academically she is I think going to do the best out of my three children but I just have to work on those other aspects.

Next up Christmas. That is a time where things won;t go wrong as my wife and kids go up to Perth for a traditional Christmas with my inlaws after they've opened their presents at home. This year has flown by way too quickly. It cold enough for snow so I hope we can have that in December to set the tone.