A crossroad

A crossroad. A place of choices. For most which way to go. For the agoraphobic whether to go or to head back. Usually, for me at least, the latter. And this morning was no different. Its point 5 on my 10 point graduated exposure list meaning I am halfway there. Halfway where? Halfway to the school and nursery. I got there for the first time this year on Friday, then yesterday and then this morning. If you follow that path down past my wife and to the most distance visible child you will see a lone tree on the left. That is point 6. Visibly not far away, why can't I get there? Looks so easy. Follow that path down and it turns to the left and just a little further is point 7. Further up that path out of sight is point 8. Outside the school is point 9 and in the school is the last point.

Although as I said point 6 looks so easy to get to if I was to take a photo from any point then the next one looks easy to get to. The agoraphobic mind doesn't work that way, or at least my own does not. It does not think forward but instead thinks back to where it has come from- how far from home. Yes getting to point 6 is easy and in fact given that I am halfway then I could physically get all the way to the school since I walk all the walk. But again its all about going back. Yes I could get to the school but by then I would be both physically and mentally unable to get home. Every step I take forward is another step I have to walk back to get home.

For me and for others its not simple agoraphobia as some would perceive. Most agoraphobia occurs on a solely mental level. But I know others like myself where it is both a mental and physical problem. The biggest problem though and the one that brings the most confusion and frustration is not knowing which is the catalyst. We know they go hand in hand. We know one does not exist without the other. But we don't know which one is the cause and which is the effect. I get to this point and mentally I am being pulled back. Panic is rising. Fight or flight is kicking in and the whole purpose of that is to obviously take action, there is no action to be taken, or escape quickly. This is what the majority of agoraphobics experience. This is what most self help guides refer to. You have to look at the likes of Dr Claire Weekes to discover that this is not always the case. As well as panicking I am by that point physically drained. I feel like I have walked 5 miles rather than a quarter of a mile and have another 5 miles now to walk back instead of another quarter of a mile.

Everything is amplified. That is why walking any further brings fears about getting further from home and having a harder journey home because each step is a step further away. Anyone who has not experienced this won't understand it because its only steps not miles. Fair enough. But you get to a point where you feel you physically cannot get back home which in itself increases panic. For a moment if you forget the photo above. Imagine it like being knee deep in thick mud. Imagine walking quarter of a mile through it and by that point starting to become physically shattered as well as scared as to whether you can back it back to the way to perceived safety- the only place for sure you know you will be OK. If you imagine that then it may be easier to imagine in that situation why its tough then to keep taking hard drudging steps away from the place of safety even if the destination is very near in eye shot.

If someone came out of a coma after 6 months could they start walk miles straight away? I have to accept for the last 5 years I have not had much exercise. I have tried to exercise but each time never got far between the fatigue and anxiety. I am out of condition. I cannot just automatically walk what other people can walk. I need to accept that. I need to accept that may be a temporary state that know pushing will change and the only way I will find out whether it is temporary is by slowly building stamina. Or trying to at least. The man who moves a mountain begins by carrying away small stones- you are right Confucius.

Does graduated exposure work? I guess its more of a question of whether it works for me. I intend to find out. If it does truely work and I give it a fair crack and it doesn't work for me then I guess finally I will know what is cause and what is effect. On that matter I have another experiment lined up which is more graduated exposure but requires the car which is currently out of action. If I get stuck at a point when will I know via repetition whether it is the physical or mental holding me back? I think that answer will be found if and when I get there.

But back to the crossroad. Today I had a different choice and it came out of the blue. Was not expecting it. A kind of epiphany like I had a few weeks back watching the family go on and as I turned for home I suddenly felt I could walk to the school. It didn't seem as daunting for a moment, a beautiful moment I could not hold on to. It was no longer frightening.

Today I found I had a choice. I expected like the previous twice in the past few days to have the overwhelming urge to set back off home. It was not there. I had the choice to go forward toward point 6. The park suddenly looked smaller and I felt more able to walk it. I walked forward a bit without a thought of the return. Then I stopped. There was another choice. To my great regret I took that instead.

I have a note of my best single walks, best day of walking and best week of walking for 2009 to the present. In fact I have a note of every walk I have done in that time- obsessive I know. The best walks all came in 2009, next 2010, then 2011 and finally this year. A real worrying trend. If I have mentioned this before I apologise. I write so much in different places I forget what and where I have written things. I know I mentioned this briefly in the last post. After the first quarter of this year I was starting to get very worried about what the walks were telling me. In terms of week totals there was a 2 mile drop each year and in May of this year it had dropped over 3 mile of the previous year. It set off alarm bells. Where was this going? Would I be down to a mile a week next year and where after that if at all?

Thankfully as the year has progressed I have slowly increased my walking. Then last week I smashed all my previous best totals for all previous years with regards to distance in a day and in a week. All that was left was distance over a single walk. I was getting greedy and challenged myself to try to beat these this week.

And that was the other choice. As I said I started to move forward from the crossroad and stopped. I dropped the choice to go forward in favour of the choice to attempt beating a record. I knew from my walk the day before if I walked to point 5, head home, went around the block and then went a fifth of a mile away from home and finally returned home I would beat a record. Little did I realise, just a few hours ago, what a mistake I was making. I did. Yahoo me! Biggest walk for 2 years, since the first half of 2010. But no. I pushed myself physically way beyond what I am capable of doing at the moment for some stupid fictitious prize. I have got caught up in record breaking and in doing so deviated from the plan that has served me well up until last week when I went gung-ho.

So from that choice I picked up my prize. From that choice I declined to take a moment of clarity to see where it would take me. From that choice I am wasted for at least the rest of today and agitated to hell because I am drained. I feel like some being has stuck a straw in me until they have sucked every last ounce of energy leaving a grey dried up shell. This will in fact affect me for days. It was the wrong choice. Once again I see that after the choice was made.

So now I see. Now the records are put on the back burner. This week for the first time I will be glad to see a drop in the walks back to what they were 2 or 3 weeks ago. I will be happy to see my single walking distance fall by half and the same with the daily and weekly totals. Happy with that if I can give my body a chance to recover and catch up. A period hopefully awaits where I can walk within myself so to speak. I have take a wrong choice at the crossroad. Instead of my mindful walking which has gradually see me improve I have swapped it for mindlessly running through brick walls quickly and tensed up just to get from A to B. Short term gains with no long term benefits. As I said I can see that and so return now to trying to make the most of my walks and give the graduated exposure a chance and trying to enjoy the walks rather than achieve something through gritted teeth.

The journey continues but I feel now I am on the right road. Where I took a wrong turn at the crossroad this morning I have stepped back and taken the path I know is right. Only time will tell but it feels right this time. More moments of clarity like the one I had today, without striving for them, and I will grow ever more sure that this is the right path.

Black and gold

I feel like I am going to burst out crying and I have no idea why. She said. My wife, tonight.What I wanted to say was: Don't worry because I get this all the time and today for some reason I have been plagued with it and feel like I am in some mad depression and probably teetering on a total breakdown but I also have to say that the stuff I have been reading says this is a ruse and its actually fear being fuelled by cycles of adrenaline rushes and sometimes when I sit mindfully I can see it is actually raw fear so calm down dear, its only a ruse. What I said was nothing. No point. When I talk about such things I see the light in my wife's eyes go out and her mind wonder off out of her head into Lala Land and soaps and mediocrity. Why bother?

On that I have had a shitload of that melancholic feeling today and it really does get to me. It is a foolery but trying to establish that even after all that time is difficult because all the senses and nerves and sensations and thoughts all work against you- take a lot of convincing. Shit its really horrid at times, words can't describe. And trying to hold on to the truth, the knowledge, that it always passes when I start to see it for what it is holds no comfort in the long hours of proper torment.

Anyway, back to the wife: "...I have no idea why". Well I do. I took all the jigsaw puzzle pieces and put them together. I have been reading, oh yes I have! My understanding seems to work better on other subjects and practically useless at time on my self. But anyway. At this point in the evening it was unbearably hot and the kids were playing up and unusually for the normally laid back wife she was losing the plot and not helped by an itch on the bridge of her nose, anxiety, constantly needing a scratch. That was the final straw but only the a straw. The truth is she wanted to be out not in during the heat and she wanted the kids out too rather than in. So why not? Because we have a doormat sized garden and no fence. We seem to be a magnet for every waif and stray on the passing and they all come like the "Field of Dreams" but we never built it. We didn't want it. We are stuck with it. Why? That rubber ball comes bouncing back to me. The mental one can't work so we can't afford a house so don't have a fenced garden to keep all the plebs out or drowning in the moat. Raise the bridge!

Things add and pathways are built. She'd had a call from her sister earlier. Her and her husband are financially sound. She had a health scare. Something I didn't know existed but the health insurance for a scare paid out a fortune and enough to wipe out the mortgage so they have debt free times ahead. Conversation turned to my sister and her untold apparent wealth all of a sudden- again a couple not on the bread line like ourselves. Then it turned to her friend who is very wealthy and who attended a man who died and left her £80k on top of the wealth she already has in her marriage. I could see it on my wife's face. Not greed. Money to money. She doesn't want much. If she was on "Who wants to be a millionaire?" and was asked how much she wanted to win she would genuinely say enough to buy 3 new windows, get a new sofa, new carpets and floor the loft- though now this summer add a garden to the list. Not greed. She just sees everyone else in comfort and wants to cry about her situation and to be honest I don't blame her even though I know who she blames for it.

I could talk about hand outs. I am on benefits. I know many would look down their nose at that and say I don't have a proper illness- get a job! Jeez, I have tried. The Job centre have called me twice since I was made redundant and both times I have said the same thing. I have told them how it is but said I have skills, have a computer, have the Internet so any work from home employment that encompasses those things I would do gladly. Both times they redirect me back to the web where there are only pay up front scams. I can work. I will say again: I can work. I just can't travel to a work place. Give me 10,000 of written pages you need typed up and I'll do it . No probs. If you need a database and/or a web front end I will do it as long as you don't need me to leave the house for more than 10 minutes.

But handouts. The people who would look down their nose at me would also see nothing wrong with an already rich couple being left £80k by a virtual unattached stranger because that has nothing to do with the taxes they pay- never mind that I work from 17 to 35 and paid 8 years of taxes when I could work. They wouldn't see a problem with someone getting a large sum, enough to pay off a house, for a threat that never happened. They would see nothing with a lottery win, a lucky night at the casino or a big win on the nags. But there is apparently a problem with needing help when you cannot get work because of your circumstances. I have 3 children and live is a damp infested 2 bedroom flat with virtually no garden to speak of. That is all my kids have ever known and that breaks my heart but more so because I cannot see it changing any time soon unless we are recipients of one of those more socially accepted handouts. Ah well, I guess people would prefer I ended up on the street with the 3 kids begging hand and mouth.

Get off the high horse now. Its been beautiful this week. And what am I doing to get better? Walking is going very well. I have been very excited this week. Its dragged on so long with a decline but now is turning in some respects. Yesterday I walked the most in one day that I have done since starting records mid-2009. If I go two walks over the weekend I will beat my previous 2009 best for distance over a week. All good. Some concern over single walks but I plan to tackle them now and the graduated exposure. There is new belief I will get there. I am running towards the garden. A garden for us all to lounge in during these long hot days in the future left alone. That is the dream and its always good to dream. Starting to believe for the first time I will get there.

Moving

I remember getting annoyed with my wife on more than one occasion. Mind over matter. Jeez, stop bloody moaning. Walking around the island of Karrera and she was struggling while I marched on- I could go all day. Walking around Amsterdam she wanted to go somewhere to sit down while I wanted to keep on walking. A couple of examples. Each time I would get pissed off. Walking not a problem. When it did get hard you just keep pushing until you break through that barrier until it eases. I told my wife. She couldn't see it. That frustrated the life out of me. Pandering. Get a grip! You put one foot in front of the other and keep doing it. Where the hell is the difficulty in that I ask you?

My life seems to be full of irony. I walk halfway to the school as the body starts to shutdown and turn then head back home. I watch her walk on with her knee problem making her hobble the rest of the way. I don't forget. I hear my own scorning tongue in my head. Karma maybe. Sometimes it makes me push on. Never far enough. Always leading to a point of regret. I can never go where she goes. In the back of my mind I fear I never will again. And it is in the mind that all these problems, and probably therefore the solutions, lie. If I could switch that old grey matter on I am sure I could physically go and keep going. But the reality is I can't turn it off and I therefore can't keep going.

I can't help things happen in life for a reason. I might not be better but I think I have become a better more understanding person. I remember scowling at the woman in my work who shuffled about claiming she had ME and was off work every other day. Maybe I needed to see for myself how limited and troublesome life can be with irrational and mostly unexplainable (concrete proof) difficulties. How pride can have its head repeatedly jumped upon and how guilt can be thrown on by the stone until you lie immovable under the weight. Lessons in compassion. I have read people who have come through my own situation say they have come out a stronger, happier and better person like it was all worth it in the end and the problems were an intervention at a time when they needed a life change- however much it is hard to convince myself on this side of the fence somewhere deep down I hold on to that. So maybe I was a pretty uncompassionate cold person, well no maybe actually. I still have my troubles at this time but I am a better more aware person for it I would say. A rite of mental passage if you will.

But there was a positive point to this post. As I said I have been reading more and more about recovered specimens and how they want to give back their story and tell the troubled ones not to give up, to their credit giving them hope. Me included and it has me in a more upbeat mood. Not only that but in this more positive frame of mind I have been getting what Dr Claire Weekes referred to as glimpses. Little pin pricks of normality in my day where there was was just the black shroud of doubt. Little seeds that can grow, be threaded together and weaved into a new life tapestry- a better one. And whether that transpires or not is of little consequence at the moment. The point is its a change of mood. More hopeful and a little more confident. Things can't change over night. Little victories here and there to build upon and when I get these little 'glimpses' I do feel like the power meter has just jumped up a notch. It brings a willingness to push on and push out and get better and not be weighed down by the bad habits I have learnt. Doing more at the moment. Understanding more. It all seems to be coming together. Fingers crossed. Must better at the moment anyway regardless. Feel like I am starting to move as opposed to standing still.

No distance left to run

An old nostalgic montage I put together a while back.More for myself, to be true, than for an audience. Anyways...

Contemplating

The sooner we can afford new windows the better. Fifteen years old. Mouldy. Draughty. In dire need of replacement. The source of why we spend more than we should on power bills. A horrible distraction in photos. I took a lot of shots of my daughter. Too window and rainy to take them outside. But nowhere to escape the decay.

And thinking on this...well that is all I ever do is think. There is a queue of worries and ruminations always in my head waiting to have their moment in the spotlight but still loud enough to make a large mind rabble constantly in the background. Ruminations and contemplations. The source of my angst? Probably. Finance and health- mental and physical. Every day life, problems everywhere. Problems for everyone but not everyone spends each conscious moment contemplating them.

Not being there

Three years ago I was laid low for a week. I vowed it would never happen again. Things got so bad I had to call out the doctor and that remains the last time I have ever seen my doctor which is probably testament that I am not too much of a hypochondriac- possibly. But pain I had never experienced before and when it turned out the cause was constipation I felt like a bit of a fake despite the pain being very real. And despite my claims never to let it happen again it did, this week. A total write off. A true restless existence when sitting and lying down causes so much pain the body is tensed up to snapping and standing can only be done in short spells due to the dizziness and weakness caused by tension. Long days. Long days not worth lingering on and now passed with another vow that I won't fall into the trap again but nonetheless a week written off and as far as my walks are concerned I may be back to square one.

At the end of all this was the prospect of many visitors on Sunday. Something I struggle with at the best of times and a struggle coming out of that state into a cold. Yes the whole family are struck by some sort of bug which we can't shake- cough, congestion, stiff neck, sweats, blocked up, etc. So not a great end to the week.

I have during the week though been sticking hard to the CBT and trying to get it fixed in my head with mixed results- as you would expect when trying to break a strong habit. I also took my first delve into the art of mindfulness. A strange beast. Not something easily described but better to understand in experience. Its going to take a while and a lot of practise to cultivate the habit of being mindful and practise is important. Its finally sinking in what the therapist said in relation to all the reading I had been doing without the practise- you can learn to swim until you understand it inside out but you will never actually be able to swim until you try and keep trying. A bit like riding a bike. I have been reading all about how to ride on and off for a few months now without actually getting on a bike. I need to get on each day and see if I can get my balance. Then I need to start trying to cycle. I will continually fall off but I mustn't lose heart and instead keep getting back on again. Then one day I will go. It will be a great feeling and I won't lose that moment and that will carry me forward even though I will fall off lots more after but eventually I will get to a point when I can do it without even thinking about it- through practise. That doesn't just apply to the mindfulness but the CBT too.

We are told not to look for success. Its not about success or failure but just about practise at sitting with our feelings and being able to anchor ourselves. A process I desperately require. I am so fused with my experience that reactions trigger before the mind has a chance to intervene. From this we learn to create space and view the experience as an observer. Well hopefully that will come later but I had success sooner than I expected with just general formal sitting mindfulness. I managed for a few minutes to sit and really feel in the present moment. It sounds strange but it was strangely empowering. Whatever chatter was there was quiet and I just stayed in the present moment untouched by worries and fears to disturb me. I really enjoyed it to be honest. It felt a step in the right direction or at least a state that if I could achieve more regularly and take into every day activity would really serve me well in dealing with the negative mind patterns keeping me stuck. A seed that could flourish. A major positive in the week. That was though at the start of the week and give that for the time after I could not sit or even lie pain free I wasn't able to do more practise but plan to return to it this week. In my own humble opinion I think it could help more than the actual core CBT.

As I said somewhere above lots of people coming on Sunday, yesterday. Building apprehension on top of all else. It was my oldest girl's communion and it would appear this old atheist was ignorant to all that entailed. Not just her away to a church service and back but splendour and cash thrown and people and occasion and all that. My wife said at one of the churches all children are made to where alms which doesn't sit well with the parents but to me that is a good thing- proper purpose and not all the expensive that goes with every religious occasion on the calender in these times which have been commercialised to the point we are all wrung dry of our savings by the end of the year. My 8 year old little girl got a new dress, new shoes and about 5 new necklaces as well as other accessories. A hairdresser arrived in the early hours to do her hair and left while I snored on in bed. She got lots of presents and the sum total of £140 in cash. Quite ridiculous if you ask me. An expensive personalised cake. Champagne for the guests. Then a meal for the guests at some restaurant where the rather large bill was footed by the inlaws. I dread to think what the total spent was.

Of course I wasn't there. Father of the daughter AWOL. Wife attending like a single parent. Part of me wanted to be there and part of me, the old atheist part, thought that even if I could go I would have no desire to sit through 2 hours of Catholic ceremony that didn't sit well with me. That was another bone of contention. My wife kept at me to invite my parents and I never did. Why should they come? But they would. They would out of a sense of duty and had to sit through something that they did not believe in themselves and would have hated every minute of it. I also know when they find out they will probably be pissed off at not being invited but I done them a favour, no harm done. In not being there I was left alone with the guilt and my swanky new camera with no occasion to take pictures of.

For two hours though I was there. Or at least they were not there, they were here and I was here. In above photo my apologies as they were not supposed to be coming back until after the meal by which time I would be shaved and shirted but they decided instead on a whim to do it before the meal when I was sitting back enjoying my own company for the door to burst open and bodies to pile in. Seven adults and six children all in a small room in this flat. My idea of hell. People I had not seen for a while. No harm to them. Just the way I am. I know now why on occasions like that my Uncle Harry used to disappear upstairs out the way and read a book. Just the way I am at the moment. Its anxiety inducing and so not appealing. When I can get into conversation and above the thoughts then I do enjoy the company but the hardest part is doing that. And there is where I hope the mindfulness will help. To be honest in that period yesterday I forgot to try it but I want to get to a stage, with practise, where I don't have to try to use it and to a stage where it just comes naturally. Then I will know I am heading in the right direction. Then I will be less apprehensive about such things. Then things will be better and I might even be there.

Contradictions

I feel a bit split at the moment. One aspect of my life is on the rise and the other seems on the rapid decline. It feels like I am being pulled in opposite directions. Yet this is how I read it would be. This is what I expected if I stuck to the plan and I am sticking to the plan. It doesn't make it any easier. In fact at times its hellish, at times its not- must remember that. But in the worst of times, like a few periods today, I feel I am barely clinging on by the fingertips keeping me from falling into the abyss. The literature tells me that won't happen. It tells me its a ruse. It feels real though. If feels like the madness and despair is swallowing me whole. But I am too far gone to turn back and although I know I am going to keep getting this I must keep doing it. In that sense its a lot like agoraphobia. I feel I am way out of my comfort zone and too afraid of turning back and knowing going on is going to make me worse yet for some reason keep going knowing regret and mental torture is guaranteed anyway. At times I feel like giving up this planned recovery. It says things will ease. Reading about it, investigating it, challenge it and especially ever increasing exposure to it will cause more of it. Anxiety that is. And I guess I knew that already which is why I am agoraphobic.So its hard and at times I feel the better option might be to bin it all and seek distraction away from it.

Nine miles. Doesn't sound much but for me its a lot. Done over the course of a week. For the first time since the middle of 2010. Gradually I have been building and the walks have been going better. Already my wife has plans for drives too. As well as the walking I have found myself doing some things I haven't done for a while like going into my wife's work where I used to just linger outside until I had to get away. Also yesterday I stood for 5 minutes in a take away with my family before finally leaving but then I went back. It was frustrating because they were taking a hell of a time and completely frustrating the life out of me.

But its part of the plan. No longer will I beat myself up if I can't do something- that is OK. So what that I couldn't stay? The important thing is to keep trying. I didn't want to go in but I did. I didn't want to stay but I did for as long as I could. I then wanted to get straight home but instead sat on a wall. And then when I was set to try waiting on the wall I got up and went back in again. And when I did I stayed in a few minutes more before taking the kids in and waiting outside again. Then finally we were all on our way home with food- and the food was shit despite the time it took to prepare.

This is one of the changes I am working hard at and understanding from the literature. Its OK to fail. Its not OK not to try. This old disorder of mine I have read is sustained by seeking safety behaviour and avoidance. Avoidance is in the not attempting not the not doing. So I have been trying to remember that when I can and notice when I feel the strong desire not to attempt something to change that view and instead at least try it. Like early morning walks. Mornings where I really don't want to go but I am expected to and also expected to walk a certain distance. So I talked this over with my wife and hope I have explained it so that it takes the pressure off. I have said I will never, or very rarely, not go with them in the morning but in turn she must not give me a guilt trip if I cannot manage as far as I did the day before. So as long as we stick to that it should be OK.

The trade off though has been very difficult. Its not always bad but some days do get very bad with various anxiety related things. Today was my worst for a while. It made the day long and difficult. It was a return of regular waves of adrenaline. Very uncomfortable. It totally sapped me and made me jittery as hell the whole day. And at points where another rush came on strong that is where I found myself dangling and doubtful of hanging on. But today is not what I get every day and its very much a one off- I hope. But these waves of adrenaline keep happening from time to time. I did ask a therapist about this at the tail end of last year and he said its quite a common thing with anxiety disorder- and harmless. But its bloody hard to deal with.

Anyway I will push on until I can push no more. Everything I have read so far has turned out to be true and what I have read is that this will start to ease. So I have to hope. I have to keep learning and practicing dealing with it. I need to be more mindful. I hope that I can report better days ahead this coming year.

Dream maker

Time for the DVD to go off, I said. It was late. The girls were unbelievably still wide awake. The boy was long gone. Oh good, said the youngest girl. Strange. She is usually last kid standing. Why?, I enquired. Because I have an idea for my dream tonight and really looking forward to it. The youngest girl it could be said is peculiar but I like that. She is approaching seven years old and has long held the belief that she can pick her own dreams. She says she sees them like a wheel of choices in her head when she goes to sleep and she turns through them until she finds the one she wants. She is adamant about it. God I wouldn't mind a bit of that. Whether its fantasy or not she believes it and now she is sleeping. I wish I could see. I wish I could see if what she picked is playing out.