245 Private

 

" Private "

Just a short post today. There are some things I can't talk about and some things I won't talk about. All I'll say is that I had a health scare today which has taken over my day. It has ruined my day and I did expect days to come but thankfully its a false alarm. Its all I'll say for now. So I have very little else today. I feel tired. If this was a physical diary I'd rip this page out, scrunch into a ball and chuck it far while looking forward to the next blank page. 

These things happen to us all and thankfully mostly it turns out OK. I only mention it because it has taken up my entire day with nothing else to write about. But it's fine. That is all that matters. 

Dead mall

 

" Dead mall "

I was listening to a debate this morning on radio about what to do with the now derilict former shopping centre Broadmarsh in Nottingham. Lots of really good suggestions to this but my own thought was housing. Like many areas in the UK my own could do with a spruce up. It's grey and decayed looking so some paint and new buildings would be welcome for sure. It's housing though which we are told we are lacking. That is where my thinking led me.

Out walking again I am seeing more and more greenbelt disappearing under housing. My main walking area, the Clyde walkway, was interrupted previously by a new plot of houses. Out my window on the one bit of unoccupied ground it awaits housing to be built. I get all that. But I also know there are many abandoned buildings sitting derelict taking up large areas of nothing. Why eat up the green built when these useless sights exist. 5 miles away from me is a huge empty sprawl of concrete where Rolls Royce used to live. I could list many others. Unless you live somewhere remote you will know of many too. If it's no good for housing then flattening and plant there at least.

Anyway aside from the rant it's worth a look up as there are many of these "dead malls" worldwide. Fascinating to look at. In some cases it looks like nature is sick of waiting for human intervention and instead reclaiming the land itself. 

243 Street fighting

 

" Street fighting"

If you have ever seen "Trigger happy TV" then you will be familiar with a recurring sketch. It involves, from memory, a businessman walking down an empty street and suddenly out of nowhere a crowd comes charging around the corner from nowhere to chase him. It's made all the more surreal because the chasers are in fancy dress. 

I had a similar experience today. I was on the phone to my brother walking down an empty road when suddenly a group of 10 to 12 teenagers came sprinting around the corner shouting and screaming. My initial thought was they were having a laugh. But then a second group appeared chasing. Not so good. Threats hurled and punches thrown and generally manic scenes. The noise was so loud that my brother asked if everything was OK. Shocking really. This is supposed to be lockdown. This scene of madness took place right next to the main road running through the town. I passed through unscathed but I'd imagine a younger innocent might not have been so lucky. 

No photo of course. As I said the other day there are occasions I am reluctant to take pictures. This was certainly one. It is the area though above where it happened. They all charged from the bottom right and crossed over to my side. It felt like there was something in the air today. When I went out at midday there was a Forty something staggering up the street drunk making me wonder what time he must have started drinking and where that was happening. There were more people about in places and bigger groups. Whatever was in the air it was not good. There was a feeling that people just weren't caring any more. 

242 Car

 

" Car "

A new car. Not brand new but less than a year old. I'm not interested in cars to be honest. I can't tell if this, a Renault Captur, is a good car. Couldn't tell you the value of it. All I can say unfortunately is its not ours. I am amazed by the interior. I am used to our old ramshackle which has a CD player and manual everything. This doesn't even need a key, it needs a login in.

All this would be no news at all to most but for me it's just something else which has passed me by. I just don't frequent cars. I can only remember 3 times being in a car which was not ours in the last 15 years. These interiors are apparently the norm now. I should say this one is my wife's work car. I don't see us owning anything new like this in the near future but you never know. Our mortgage ends at the end of the year so maybe we could use that payment for a car. It would be nice. It feels comfy and safe unlike our own. But we can't complain. It's our second car in a row gifted to us, my wife's 4th all told. We are not used to that kind of luxury so won't miss it but it would be nice. 

241 Normal service

 

" Normal Service "

I've been needing to get back walking for a time now but putting it off. I can't exactly remember why I stopped. So many different things going on and my memory is not what it was. Anyway I pushed myself out to hopeful of a mile but not willing to push it. Take it easy. Ease back in gently. There is no rush. An hour later I arrived home knackered and soaked in sweat having walked over two and a half miles. I should say part of that was due to it being a nicer day than I had imagined today and as such was dressed for a trek to the North Pole. Good stuff.

No noticeable anxiety but also not much confidence I can repeat it any time soon. That is perfectly fine. This is the loop. Having not done it for a while I expected it to take a few weeks to do again at the earliest. The fact I did if today at the first run is incredible. I need to push on now- gently though. 

Physics

  

I won't lie. When I prepared to home school I was really looking forward to it. It was an opportunity to work the grey matter and even learn a few things along the way. Mostly that has been the case. In fairness to the kids they get on with it on their own for the majority of the time. When they get stuck though I am only too happy to intervene.

It's a problem and I like to problem solve. I always have. When I did computer programming as much as I enjoyed the creative process of bringing something to life just from lines of code I also really enjoyed fault finding. If my program did not run as it should or produced an error I liked finding the problem and resolving it. Not always it has to be said. Modern computer languages make the fault finding process a pleasure. At college writing in COBOL it was more like doing spot the difference between pages of code where even a space could kill it. That was mentally draining. There were a few times when meany pupils and a teacher would surround one person's PC trying to find the tiny mistake that was in hiding. 

Today's problem was physics. My initial reaction was to rub my hands with glee. Something new to do, something new to learn. That joy was soon replaced with despair. I just couldn't get it. I don't know if it's age or an underused brain needing a jump start but I just could not work out these processes in my head. I muddled through eventually but didn't feel I had learned anything after. I was just glad to see the back of it and praying that it was an end of it for a long period of time. Its not as if its entirely new. I got a 'B' at high school in Physics. I started higher physics before leaving. It's in there somewhere but that was a very long time ago. 

I have noted in the past few years that my brain isn't working the way it should. A few years ago I got a voucher from my sister-in-law and decided to by a guide to programming in JAVA language. The idea was that I could then start to write apps for phones and maybe find some way either of making a living from it or by being employed remotely to write small apps. And I did it for a bit but it just was not sticking in my head like it used to and I started to get confused by it. I had better luck with programming in Android with Google's own development kit which is free. But even then I got so far and it started to outsmart me. Maybe I am just rusty. I have always liked programming so maybe I should go back to it and work at a slower pace. It might not get me employment but it will keep the grey matter alive with some much needed activity.

240 Cooking

 

" Cooking "

I had been looking forward to a relaxing night watching the football but my daughter had other ideas. I couldn't grumble if I wanted to which I didn't. The bulk of parenting at the moment revolves around home schooling the younger two. The oldest now flies under the radar given she is a working adult now with her own life to get on with. That was until she promised her boyfriend's family she would cook for them. Why she did this I don't know but having never cooked more than a microwave meal she somehow thought that was enough to make dinner from scratch for six.

My wife would normally be the one to go to as she cooks more and better than me. On this occassion though I was called in because she had promised Mexican food. Not that difficult thankfully. So it was a couple of hours making Enchiladas from scratch and a bit of father and daughter time to boot. I just hope now it all goes well for her on Saturday when she has to cook elsewhere. To her credit she actually shopped for everything herself so she already has that to go on when she shops again on Saturday. 

239 Anniversary

 

" Anniversary "

Today was our 18th anniversary but to be honest it's not something we really celebrate. It's a long time since we exchanged cards. I think this stopped when money was tight and cards seemed an unnecessary expense- which they are in modern times. Presents not given either for the same reason. The money instead usually went to a family take away and did again today. But after agreeing all that my wife still produced a present and I was left with guilt so had to buy something later. Its the second time it's happened. I think to be honest it's just like every other "celebration" for now but less so. Grim yes but I do believe the upside of that is that sometime in the future we will all celebrate properly and properly enjoy it this time with a renewed appreciation not to take these things for granted. 

238 Broadband

 

" Broadband "

Above is the reason our broadband is do poor. When I am watching the football live, my wife watching Netflix, one daughter uploading photos to Instagram, other daughter Facetiming and the boy playing Fortnite with his friends it's all travelling back and forth along those wires. That is just us away in the distance. All these flats to the left and ones out of view to the right and an industrial estate as well as others unaccounted for. All of us looking for space on those old wires.

We are so antiquated. We were promised a fibre rollout and big speeds and reliability. I never gave it much thought, it was a luxury. But lockdown changed that. Not so much for me but for all those people told to work from home. In theory fine but the infrastructure is not there. Life is spent more and more in the clouds. Its now essential. But if we were all told to travel every day and we only had dirt roads then surely they would lay new ones. I liken it to the railroad revolution. Its essential and lots of people are going to make fortunes off the back of it. Some day that is. For now it's so slow. Painfully slow when it's not dropping. 

237 Spikes

 

" Spikes "

I don't usually suffer from many physical problems, long term at least, but at the moment I'm plagued with a sore neck. I put it down to posture while sleeping or maybe even an open window during the night. It doesn't matter how it started really because it doesn't help. It's not painful as such or even an ache really but uncomfortable. It feels like something which has been overtensed. It feels like a metal rod has been shoved down the neck causing a restriction.

I say sore neck but it's too low for the neck yet too high for the back and too central for the shoulder. I think it's that big muscle we have either side coming down the neck and along the shoulder. I've damaged it somehow and a week later it's not getting better but there is little that can be done so I just accept it and hope time does its job. 

I've tried a few things. Deep heat for one reluctantly didn't help. Reluctance came from a similar problem years ago and my wife decided a can of Ralgex would help but in spraying my shoulder she also sprayed the back of my ear for long enough for it to burn brightly. I still remember the shower hose of cold water hammering off it while I hunched over the bath and the sound of my wife's laughter in the background. Equally a heated beany toy did little to help either. 

What did help was this spikey cushion above- albeit it only temporary. Many moons ago my wife bought me this for Christmas and I remember opening it and thinking: What? I can't remember why she bought it but all these years later it has helped. And it makes me wonder why. It's a cushion of Spikes. When you lie on it it's momentarily uncomfortable and then not. 10 minutes later the discomfort has eased. Logically I don't know why but it has. I'll take it though. 

236 Spending guilt

 

" Spending guilt "

I bought myself something today and I feel guilty, I always do. There is a guilt built from 3 or 4 years of struggling financially that I still cannot undo emotionally. In fact maybe longer. Maybe it started in 1998 when I was given a credit card form, signed it, received a card and was not advised that I would be charged 30% Apr- something I am still being charged 23 years later. As a guy in his 20s living alone and earning a good wage I had no desire to seek out the small details. I do hope nowadays the kids are better protected given the world is far more virtual financially now than it was then. I just used the card in shops rather than withdraw cash first. Nowadays most purchases are done online, a card is essential. But I doubt that protection exists. Before I paid most of my card off a few months ago my credit limit was more than double what I owed. I was getting letters saying how the lender was concerned I was only meeting minimum repayments yet at the same time with a button push I could have doubles that debt and put myself in the darkest of places that few come back from. It's scarey and it's shocking.

Anyway with any purchase I still feel this guilt at spending. My aunt and uncle were talking about the games they are playing as was my brother and his wife. I don't have a means to play games or didn't. I bought a means because I wanted to and it would not break the bank. But I feel guilt at doing it. So much so that I gave decided its the last thing I will buy for a long while. We need new carpets, new beds, things fixed and so much more but for now we are going nowhere. For now I needed a little distraction indoors to pass the time. Rightly or wrong though this guilt remains. It is so entrenched that I still struggle to check my bank account for fear it's empty again with bills pending. Its not but those years of having to deal with that have scarred. 

235 Bars

 

" Bars "

I had to check my walking app to be sure but was not surprised to find I had not pushed myself out for a walk for two weeks. Shocking. And maybe as bad I had no immediate notion to do so but guilt and a little fear pushed me out reluctantly. It wasn't easy and I didn't get far but none of that was news to me. I've come to expect it now.

In my head I see these two bars akin to a video game. One is energy and the other is confidence. The longer I don't walk the more the energy fills but the confidence drains. That first walk energy is eaten up quickly and confidence rises very slowly by comparison. Over time though the opposite happens but that takes weeks possibly or months more probably. With effort and repetition confidence will get to a point where any drain is so small its visibly difficult to see the change. Same with energy. But even at that stage if I stop doing it then even quicker it all reverts back. I know this so it's ridiculous I have allowed it to happen again. 

234 Blank

 

" Blank "

A doff of the cap to all those pictures I did not take but wanted to. Times when it felt inappropriate or I felt it lacked respect to do so. Where someone else would barge to the front without a care I tend to go without if I think it would adversely affect someone else. I've had many of those which have left me feeling a little frustrated. Equally though I know had I got the camera or phone out I would have felt bad about it.

There have been many cases over the course but I'm struggling to remember them all. One recent one is a garden at the top of our street. It's disgusting. Given sightings of rats last year it is appalling that there is a garden filled with unbinned rubbish including lots of used disposable nappies. These are council owned flats and it's one of several residencies there who use a garden as others would use a bin. I've been tempted several times to take photos but felt guilty each time. 

Strangely very close to that today two hearses passed me and pulled into a street lined by people. Most unusual. My initial thought was covid but many had pink balloons. I had an urge to take a photo as I stopped but didn't as people were looking on. I almost did though as a delivery driver showing zero respect pulled up behind the stationary hearse, could not pass for the open door and decided it was too much hassle to reverse out do mounted thee pavement to get by. I really should have got the phone out at that point. 

There are many instances where this blog is in my head and I see the picture but it feels morally wrong. I think I'm doing the right thing there. I don't like carrying guilt around and that is what would happen. 

Strength

  

I was watching the show "Would I lie to you?" which is the modern equivalent of "Call my bluff". Straight out of the 80s Mr Motivator was on the show and his statement was something like: Every day I do press ups equal to the number of years of my life. True or false? I reckoned he was in his late 50s but he is looking well at 68. That is a lot of press ups daily.

A good few years back there was a Facebook challenge relating to the armed forces in which people did 20 press ups per day for 7 days and tagged someone else to do it each day. I had many friends doing it with apparent ease and when I was tagged I went to do the same but found I could not do one press up. That was a shock. For many years I did them for karate and football without a problem. Long story short I started a regime and within a few weeks got up to 12 before giving up. That was hard to take. I knew I wasn't as fit as I used to be but I was always stronger than I looked. I never carried any muscle but because of karate in particular I had a good centre and good strength. Struggling to do a single press up was a let down.

Back to the show. Mr Motivator can do it with ease and more. It put me to shame- in a good way. Its reminded me that I need to get fitter. I don't need to be at that level but I do need to increase my fitness and strength. It's something I plan to do like before with an app when the kids return to school. Along with walks I want to start press ups and sit ups again. These apps on phones are good for motivation. I feel confident it's something I will do and benefit from. 

232 Being alone

 

" Being alone "

I remember living alone. I remember the good and the bad. I did enjoy coming home from work and sprawling out inevitably only moving to answer the door for a food delivery. Something that bugged some of my female work colleagues so much that they insisted on taking me shopping one night threatening to make a monthly date. I remember drinking too much. I drank at home as I was alone with no other half and no friends as they all lived elsewhere. I would frequent the pub over the road for company and solace. It wasn't a healthy existence and couldn't go on indefinitely. It didn't.

I've never coped well alone since but have rarely had to. In lockdown that has not been a problem of course but because of that I tend to forget just how hard it is for others. It wasn't until I heard a lady on the radio saying how hard she was finding things mentally as she worked from home, lived alone and had very little human interaction. She is not alone. I do think this is heading toward a mental health time bomb to come. 

I mention it because I also forget how hard its been for my father in law. Last January he lost his wife and while still in shock from that was suddenly alone in lockdown. As great as technology is he struggles with it so there were no zoom calls or the like. That can't have been easy. To make matters worse we found out at the weekend he'd had a stroke and was now in hospital where he will be for some time to come. Although he is struggling with speech which is frustrating him it seems to have been a mild stroke which hopefully will be isolated as he is now on a course of blood thinning drugs to try to prevent a follow on. You can't really call it a positive because there is none with a stroke but there is some comfort knowing he is not alone like so many others are at the moment. 

231 St Valentine

 

" St Valentine "

To the best of my knowledge I haven't written a Valentine's post before. There are many reasons for it but probably the biggest is that my wedding anniversary is in a week's time so there has never been any need. My wife is very much of the opinion that as much as she loves flowers and laments the lack of them she would much prefer to receive them unexpectedly rather than because of the date. Never any need for me as I said and to be honest were it not for making a daily post I'd let this day pass too.

It's a slow news day though and I'll say that Valentine's day passes without a word usually because my wife and I don't celebrate it. Also though the kids have never been of an age for it to matter- until now. The oldest now has a steady boyfriend and so this is very much a big day for her. Sadly that comes with all the restrictions that everyone else faces just like all those kids with big birthdays in lockdown. It's a shame but they are young enough that these experiences may help them appreciate future celebrations more. It all changes so quickly. This time last year the oldest had quit school and spent all her days alone in her bedroom. Now she has a job, money and a boyfriend. And most of all for the first time in a long time she seems to be in a genuinely happy place. So on the face of it the day is a bit of an annoyance as a date to fleece people with overunflated junk. That said I think this is one Valentines day I will remember for a time to come with good feelings. 

230 Old photos

 

" Old photos "

Life with a laptop again is a bit foreign still. I got through 9 months without it and now finding it hard to connect again. It happened before. The last laptop I bought sat for months in a box before using it. Its a bit like what I was saying the other day about books I would maybe never read. I have new walking shoes bought in December still in their box as I'd rather persevere with the current old ones with the leaks to get every last ounce out of them knowing I now have a lifeline should they fall apart. I could add it to floating shelves which are very much the opposite if floating stacked in the corner of a room for years. New covers for the settees still in boxes 2 years later. Bathroom taps somewhere in a cupboard. All with good intentions.

Anyway my new laptop is being used 90% or more for schooling. I will get around to it. I have just got so used to doing everything on my phone. Today as its a no school day I took time to set up some things on it and install some stuff. As I did I noticed screen saver options and only liked to my Google photos which I set up. I never thought my most time on the laptop would be spent watching a screen saver. As I tried to do something on my phone I was continually drawn to the next photo as ir changed.

It got me thinking: what if I woke tomorrow and Google was gone? I don't just mean that one company. Whether it be Apple, Samsung, Microsoft or wherever else your stories are kept. They are not physically there. What if one day they were gone forever or as daunting what if you lost access to them?

In the days before photo clouds many photos were lost phones stopped working or were lost. I remember my wife getting distraught as she had taken many photos of her family dog before going with her mum to the vet for the final time. She went to the shops, came back without her phone and remembered leaving it at the kiosk counter. When she went around it was gone, stolen. That was material and could be replaced. The photos are gone forever. Worse, her best friend dropped her iphone in the bath. Her photos were not backed up. She lost them all and the last days with her dad. They are also gone forever. And I'd imagine if you don't have a story like that yourself then you probably know someone who does. 

It was great seeing these old photos again as I had not looked at them for a while. It was a reminder that I need to back these up. And others too. My laptop which no longer works has many photos on it that I never backed up. In fact all photos taken by my proper cameras from 2017 onward. I'll need to remove the drive, buy housing and connect it to my new laptop before backing all those up. What happens though if that backup drive goes? Is it better just to back them all up to a cloud? I'm really not sure about the latter to be honest. It makes sense but I don't like the idea of someone else controlling my images and my access to them. It's a changing world for sure. Long gone are the carrier bags if old photos passed around that were ours and ours alone. 

229 The act of reading

 

" The act of reading "

There is a good chance that given this blog is over a decade old and I am currently writing a post a day that there are times I will repeat myself. It comes with the territory so I apologise in advance if this is one of those times. My mind has so much in it I cannot keep track.

A long time ago I found myself really struggling along Princes Street in Edinburgh with a large collection of books. I think there were 8 all hardback and about A4 in size and housed in a heavy hard cardboard casing- there might even have been 2 of those. They were so heavy. They had cost around £180 from memory and all related to a Microsoft Windows training course. I remember cursing how sore my arms were- nowadays I would not have to leave home and collect them electronically. I walked a mile and them the hour journey back to Perth and another 20 minute walk at the other side. When I got home I opened a cupboard and put them beside lots of other computer related books. Over the following years the shelves grew and all those books were transported down to where I currently stay. I would say about £1000 worth of books at least all now worthless and probably water damaged to boot up the loft. More than that though I think I'd be lucky if I more than browsed them a few times or referenced.

It's not the only time. When I was very young I used 2 weeks wages at the Virgin Megastore in Glasgow buying guitar books and never got by the first page. I've done it with many other things. And I am not alone. I know of many people who have done the same. What is that? Do we see a book on a subject and think how we would like to learn about it, make the purchase and then find it's too much bother? I've done it with some anxiety books too where it's like a comfort blanket hoping it can help if I need it. Is it part of putting things off?

My point to all this though is not actually about the act of reading or lack of it but about waste. When money was tight I could not buy books and certainly not books I would never read. Now that we are better off financially I am finding the urge to buy books constantly and fighting it. Does having more spare cash just lead to more waste? I look back and think it does.when I was single and making lots of money I kept buying rubbish. At one point I bought 3 pcs to link up and then bought parts fir them and books to experiment and all sorts of waste. When you have to account for every penny there is less waste. With spare change you question yourself less. So my new rule is I will never buy another book until I have read the last one I bought. I've bought possibly 20 books this year and read none. That is also one downside to the electronic format. If I had physical copies of those books I'd be less inclined to buy more. That cloud library is invisible and easy to add to. It maybe makes a case for buying paperbacks in future rather than ebooks. 

Vaccine

  

My wife got her jab last week bright and early at the start of the queue.  I am glad she has some sort of immunity if not right now then in time. A few weeks ago I thought that the vaccine was enough to stop any worries but apparently  not. Firstly I heard a medical person on the radio saying it could take a week to build up immunity followed by someone later citing 2-3 weeks. Given the speed of no Vaccine to Vaccine with limited time for trials I would think the medical profession are learning something new about the virus and their vaccines every day. And that is without factoring in the strains we have now as well as those still to transpire. It is a real mix of concern and fascination as these boffins work around the clock to bring a peace of mind to the planet but also with risks that cannot be known. Those risks most would argue are trumped by having some sort of protection against this virus. 

Wife is done now as I say and the kids don't need it. That just leaves me. It's something I have been mulling over these past couple of months. When will I be offered it and will I be able to take up that offer? It plays in my mind. An offer is likely not going to come until the summer at its earliest depending on how well things are going with the roll out, Vaccine supplies and any deviations. I'm fine with that. It's the location that is the problem. It's very unlikely I can go to a vaccination centre given agoraphobia is as bad as its ever been. What then? Not a question needing answered today of course but it will arrive at some point. 

Its not a case of whether I want it or not. I do, 100%. Its just a case of logistics. I couldn't ask someone to come out to administer it when the groups vaccinating people are already working their backsides off. I will just have to wait and see how it plays out and hope in the meantime I can avoid contracting the thing. 

227 Snow play

 

" Snow play "

A slow snow day today. The world remains white and locked down leading to nothing of much to say I am afraid. I'm feeling hemmed in again. I need to get back out for walks soon for my own state of mind and need to get the kids out too. I was shocked to find I could not remember the last time the boy was out which is ridiculous. With no school and nowhere to go the easy option has been to do nothing and allow the kids to have their faces in electronics. Ironically it is where they are at their most social. The boy sits with his headset on and I hear all the voices of his friends shouting with glee as they work through game worlds. What would life be like for kids in lockdown if there were no electronic devices? I shudder to think.

For me the only time to cut loose today was out with the dog. He didn't go far as always but he didn't have to. He burned up more than enough energy running about mad in the snow on the extended lead. It was his time to cut loose too. We all need a bit of that now and again in these current times.

226 White out

 

" White out "

When the world became a snow globe last night I expected it to pass very quickly. I knew other parts of the UK were suffering but in my town it wasnt lying. That was until I woke up this morning earlier than planned. My wife left for work at 7:30 for her on and off shift that does not end until 22:00, a long day. And that same fir the oldest girl who worked from 20:00 to 8:00 and then found the trains not running so had to walk home 4 or so miles- why she refuses to get a taxi is beyond me. So the puppy rightly decided I should not be sleeping and he should not be left along. A consistent bark inches from my face ensured my sleep lasted around 4 hours again.

Snow brings the world to a stand still. Well the roads and other transport links at least. I just cannot get going right now so feel it too. Even if u wanted to I can't go for a walk while my wife is at work as the kids no longer want to come alone and I can't leave them alone. Instead it's a long day looking out the window. I really do hope this year to find a way to work from home. I have the time and now the means but not the skills- I can learn these. The working landscape is changing for occupations that don't require travel. I'm hoping that is going to open a door for me. That is the wish for this year as I sit looking out the window watching the flurries. 

225 The quiet

 

" The quiet "

It got dark and snow started to fall. Not with any vigour though. In fact as strange as it sounds at one point snow was rising not falling. The kids took some delight in this. Flakes were small and light and when silhoutted in from of the street light outside our window we could see the wind was pushing the flaked up. Very bizarre but true.

It never lay in those first hours but later gently began to as the temperature began to fall. That is when I took out the dog for another frustrating walk. As overly busy as the daylight is the dark brings the quiet. It should be perfect for the dog as it is for me but still with nothing around he stops in his tracks rigidly looking behind him, a memory of something bad no doubt. I feel calm. I'd love to walk and walk. There is no one around and vehicles pass infrequently. A calm, a quiet and solace in the dark. I heard its a time more and more people are choosing to go their walks in their bubbles. I can understand why. I just wish the dog would enjoy it too. 

Horror

 

" Horror "

I never used to watch much TV but in recent years with so much at our fingertips I have found myself watching more and more. Its to the detriment of reading unfortunately so I do want to change that. At night time though when things quieten enough to concentrate I find watching appeals more than reading.

Like reading and music I don't like to pigeon hole myself. I'll watch a variety of things from real life documentaries to Sci fi shows and all in between. But about the only thing I don't watch is "Horror" and that is probably why I watch alone because its the main thing my wife and the girls watch. I can genuinely say I cannot remember a film of that genre I actually enjoyed and no for certain I've not seen anything scary. My wife always harks back to "Salem's lot" being scary but it's not, it's dated. And the three of them are continually disappointed as everything they watch turns out to be rubbish mostly and/or disappointing. That is the genre in my opinion but still they keep going back.

I don't know why that is. Do we see so much of it in real life that we are desensitised to anything on a screen? I think so. Horror got me into books. When I did not read at all I read "Funland" by Richard Laymon out of boredom. I read more by the author which led me to Anne Rice, Dean R Koontz, Stephen King of course and so many more before leading on to read other genres. I would still have no qualms reading horror but would have to be heavily compensated to watch it. It is easy it has to be said when there are so many quality TV shows being made but with all that I really cannot see the appeal of horror. Then again in my own home I am the minority so what do I know. 

Altered realities

 

So much of lockdown reflects my own life over the past decade or so. I feel that people are getting a small taste of what my life has been like. I went from having a job and starting a family to suddenly being housebound virtually out the blue struggling to support them. Most have been stuck indoors too and can see how the novelty of not working soon wears thin when it is countered by the inability to go out and enjoy that freedom. Many know now what it's like to struggle financially and have to swallow their pride many times for a handout to get by through no fault of their own. What looks like a good gig from afar is not when you are living it.

There are many similarities. Today I went for a walk nearby and felt a bit strange because its a route I have not gone for months and as a result it felt a little unreal. Coming back I bumped into my youngest girl who was going to meet her friend do I walked her there through the park. Something I used to do daily for the primary school run. Again it felt unreal. And that unreality is something a lot of people will now be experiencing in their life fir the first time as they start to venture back out to places they have not been for a while. 

222 Queues likely

 

" Queues likely "

Not a great photo I know but light was lacking and I was moving at speed. Never a good combination when trying to capture a sharp clean image. Amid the blurriness is a queue outside the supermarket. It's a blast from the past and I hope not a regular thing.

Thankfully this was after our shopping was complete. I have no idea what was going on but the shop was mobbed. The self service aisle was at least 20 metres long and probably more. I am hoping this is why the staff decided to prevent anyone else coming in and thankfully we were ahead of that. It made me worry a new announcement had been made to send people panic buying but not to be. I just hope its not a return to that again. At least for now we have shopped for the weekend so can relax until the start of the new week. 

Tacos

 

A quiet day today so I set about making some Tacos for the kids to try- and for my dinner. I made the kids Tacos for the first time last week with mixed results. They liked the filling but not so keen on the brittle corn shells. I can understand that. I've never been a fan either. And that has always been my idea of a taco. I've never had one made for me in a restaurant or elsewhere. When my brother was in California he sent pics of taco vans but I don't remember seeing the food. It was only when by chance I came across a video about the 5 best places to get Tacos in San Diego that I discovered it doesn't have to be that way. These Tacos were small tortillas rather than corn shells.

By chance the other night I'd found some of these small tortillas in the shops. As I said this was to be my dinner and as there were 10 tortillas is a packet I thought I'd be fine. I was sort of. I made one for the oldest to try and she enjoyed it so much she ate another 5. The boy enjoyed his too and thankfully as he'd had dinner he did not want any more. The other child slept through it- that is another story. I was left with 3. Thankfully I wasn't that hungry.

They don't look great from the photo but they did go down a treat. The shop does 3 packs for £3 so 30 "Street" tortillas will do a few meals along with mince, chilli seasoning and salad works out quite cheap too along with some chips. The one thing we have been trying to do more recently is get the kids all to eat the same thing as most nights they were all having something different which is more time consuming and costly. In order to make one meal for all we are trying to vary it a bit and try to get more veg in their diet however small. 

220 Cars

 

" Cars "

When I went for my walk today I found myself unexpectedly stationary by the roadside. It was one of those situations where I debated whether to walk back the way to the traffic lights or wait it out. I went with the latter which turned out to be the wrong choice. I was sure a gap would appear. Frustratingly gaps opened and closed quickly. Cars moving too slowly for my liking were still too quick to beat and the big gap behind them that I waited for was soon filled by something moving way too fast. And when a gap finally appeared I looked the other way to see what was clear had suddenly filled with new cars. It's just the way of it. It's like deliberating which queue to join and inevitably its the slowest.

I did get across finally. It felt like 5 minutes but probably was less than 2. I can't though remember the last time I had to wait there. This was not even rush hour as it was just 2 o clock or maybe even earlier. Why are there so many vehicles on the road? We are supposed to be in lockdown still. You would not know it. And additionally I know of many people still working away on the side- beauty mostly. It's either that or go poor. I just think the mass has given up isolating and ignoring advice. It feels like before. I just wonder if the Vaccine roll out had brought this complacency. People are though still dying. But I cannot remember the road being so busy. Not in the last year anyway. Its little wonder the mortality rate here does not make for good viewing. 

Music lesson

  

Today's lesson is... Music. Well it was one of the lessons, the last one. No input from me this time. I was displaced this time from teacher to cameraman. I mean you can't have a music teacher who is tone deaf and has no coordination. I love music of all kinds and I have always had a burning desire to play an instrument. Unfortunately though I wasn't built for it. You have naturals, you have disciplined and you have those who excel by possessing both. When I tried to play guitar I found I had 10 thumbs. When I tried drums I was like a scattergun trying to find a metronomic rhythm. I just don't have the capacity. One year my wife was going to get me piano lessons for my birthday specifically to learn "Moonlight Sonata" because she knew I liked it so much. Not a chance though. I just cannot do it. 

Its been a mixed bag schooling the kids from home. I've helped where I can but mostly they crack on with it themselves. I have also enjoyed learning some things too so its not all been bad and has put some sort of routine into our day in these strange times. 

When it comes to music though thankfully my kids are not the same. For the second time in life as a parent I found myself listening for a moment while one of my children played. The first time was the oldest. She taught herself how to play keyboard and like her grandfather has an ear for music allowing her to hear something and play it by ear. She played Moonlight Sonata. It was wonderful. Today it was her sister's turn.

We have an acoustic guitar in the cupboard and I even bought a cheap harmonica last week but none were viable options for music class. Instead my wife had to take daughter to school yesterday to pick up an instrument. She came back with a glockenspiel. It's been months since she played it she said but today had to get back to playing Katy Perry's "Firework". I left her to it. It took only about 15 minutes to find her stride. Except it was a different song. She had got mixed up. Instead it was "Carnaval de Paris". That was unexpected. That really took me back to Paris 1998. It was everywhere I went. It was nice. Nice because it was familiar from a happy time and all the nicer because it was now a happier time albeit it different. Definitely the best part of the week. 

Wildcat

 

I was reading an article today about a proposal to re-introduce the lynx to Scotland which on the face of it I was for. I like the idea of going back to the way things were before man intervened. I remember reading a book about the history of Scotland and the author lamenting about a particular landscape looking beautiful to most but it saddened him because hundreds of years earlier the barren hills would have been filled with trees. I like the idea that there was a balance before we selfishly came along here and everywhere else on the planet to spoil it with our own needs and greeds.

So I was reading through the article and early on came to a line saying the lynx had been extinct in Britain for 500 years, I think that varies on where you read it. Strange. I thought I had taken a picture of one in captivity. I looked back and found the above photo from 2015 taken at Calderglen zoo in East Kilbride. Not a lynx but a Scottish wildcat. What then, if any, is the difference? 

It turns out they are very different and now a dilemma: save the Scottish wildcat or reintroduce the Lynx? I am all for going back to our roots as I said but not if it means turfing out another species in the process. It's a big debate, too big for here. The bottom line is reintroduced lynx is a random factor. No one seems to know what affect it will have on the wildcats native to Scotland which are apparently on the brink of exctinction as it is with numbers estimated to be less than 300. As well as the ones at the zoo above there are captive cats all over the UK in the likes of the Highland Wildlife Park and Chester zoo among others. For me that is not a risk worth taking but it's a debate. If nothing else it was nice reading about wildlife which is not something I'm prone to do. There are some beautiful nature programs by the BBC but I never see them. Its given me a bit of an appetite for that if nothing else.