Obscure reflections

A flurry of dreams in the past few days. Not enjoyable, not nightmares. Similar to ones before. Dreams imitating life. I parked in a car park and far in the distance was a massive shopping centre from where I was brought up. There was a pub and I went in to meet my mum there and she showed be a staircase. We went up about 10 flights and then at the top through glass doors. It was like a large corridor shaped like when you board a plane but glass all round and hundreds of people going back and forth. We walked to the end and more glass doors. I could already see all the shops and all the people- the shopping centre. My mum explained that you could get to it not only via the pub but through lots of different buildings in the area. All roads lead to commerce.

And then a realisation. What if I panic? Jeez, how will I get back. My mind tread back through doors, corridor, doors, stairs, car park and then drive. Too much. Panic. Uncontrollable panic. So much so I woke up. This happens so often. I am in a dream doing mundane things and then suddenly I am aware that I am a panic merchant and it all kicks off. Rarely does it wake me but this one did. It took me a long time to calm after and I think the only reason I did was it was early and I managed to drift back to sleep again. But it shows how much panic is on my mind, the fear of it. And how that fear sparks off panic itself. Just like life. I wonder, or maybe hope, its there now to give me a chance to try coping with it in the safety of dreams. Maybe not. Regardless of where I am externally I am still mentally in the same place with the same fears. Maybe I just need a safer place to deal with them first. Maybe not.

The dreams are an obscured reflection of reality, or at least how it is pieced together in my head. A bit like seeing the world in a hall of mirrors where its familiar but not quite right. A bit like our living room reflected on the lamp above. The kids love it because they can see themselves and they do like to see themselves. They miss the reflection of the TV screen for that but this is better. I hate that lamp. Its making me edgy. I said in a previous post its not stable and leaning over like its going to fall. I think that is what is making me edgy: waiting for it to fall but it never does. Monstrosity that it is, all for the sake of a bargain.


Its been a very tiring week but I expected that. Not through any physical effort but adjustment. Kids back to school. Its a bit like dealing with jet lag. A new later to bed, later to rise routine had been established and then its back to earlies. It takes a while to adjust. At least a few weeks before it lifts. And that is not just for the anxious type like myself but my wife feels it too. Even the kids feel it until the evening when they suddenly explode into life too soon, too loudly and too frenzied.

Last week of holidays

Been looking at a lot of portrait photography and liking it- black and whites especially. So tried to recreate it with a lay attempt- ie take a snap and try to do the work in the dark room so to speak. But I liked it even though it wasn't what I wanted it to be. For my standard anway, hence the lead image. 

Its been the most lazy week I have had for a while. Not even been out except to put bins out and other little things. The weather has been atrocious. The gales have been blowing, the rain falling. Reluctantly at times having to put the heating on when we can take no more of the cold.

Last week of holidays for the kids which has made for a long one full of very long days. Don't get me wrong its no fun for them either. They got scooters for Christmas and longingly looked out the window each morning to see if the weather was good enough to get out- never was. But I've been finding it mentally tough. So much noise, fighting, arguing and huffs galore. It also created a bit of tension between me and my wife who is much more sedate and allows them to stay up later than I would like- sometimes as late as midnight. So it causes a difference of opinion. She is also less lenient with them which is why I have that "Mr Grumpy" mug.

We've had a few visitors too this week. A visit from my wife's father and older sister. Her older sister adopted two kids late last year and this is the first time I had seen them. Lovely looking kids. Still very young- both younger than our youngest. As usual mixed emotions. Good and bad. A "we can't stay and don't have time even for a cuppa" transpired into a visit of over an hour but I got through it.

One of the things the kids enjoyed about being stuck indoors was a colour in wendy house my youngest girl got from Santa. They spent ages decorating it with pens and paint- one side anyway. And had a lot of fun with it like here.

Such a shame. Just flimsy cardboard with a print on it. They would have been as pleased with the box it came in. I noticed a lot of stuff we bought this year was cheaply made. Quality really is a thing of the past when it comes to toys. Long gone the job of the toy maker in favour now of mass production cheap plastic junk with a higher profit margin. Honestly some of the stuff was beyond belief and won't last long at all.

A bit like a standing light my wife bought at the weekend. It was half price and had obviously been handed back. No wonder. The thing won't even stand up straight. So flimsy. I told her to take it back but she is determined to find a way to keep it upright. So its sort of hanging in a corner looking like it might topple over if you breathed on it.

New Year 2012

My family upped sticks and went north on Christmas day leaving me not only alone for most of the week but without a camera. Not that I was out and about much to take photos of anything. I have a mobile phone but the camera is crap on it and transferring is a pain. Add to that the lack of light at this time of year and its hard to get a photo that is in focus. I did take some but they were blurry no matter how steady I held the phone. One day I took a photo of our car park strewn with rubbish after gale force winds blow over all the bins but that was unusable. I also have the camcorder which takes photos but the quality is not much better than the phone.

The time alone started with difficulty but eased. This is always the way. Not much to note in that time. I should have enjoyed the silence because when the kids returned I was soon mentally climbing the walls again between the general din, crying, arguing, fighting, huffs, attention seeking and tale telling. They were here at the end of the year and we started the new year as a family.

A new day, a new year. New date, same old shit. Centred around the family meal to start the year. My wife spent most of the day preparing it and as always did a great job. Even the oldest sat down with us at the table despite being in bed for a couple of hours before it ill. She has been poorly the past few days and also has a cough like the boy. To be honest I wasn't much in the mood for a meal. Even at home I get very anxious having to sit at the table for a duration but I did it. A glass of wine helped. I was going to take a family photo around the table on self timer but we were all in our PJs, a lazy day as I said.

So this is just a token photo. A reminder of the day. Might as well enjoy it. My wife goes back to work this week and in a week's time the kids are back at school. Then it will be back to the grind. In the meantime I plan to work on my anxiety and try to get some relief this year. As I said yesterday the year ahead looks bleak for most of the nation. That is outwith my control. Anxiety relief is within my control. Sort of. If it was just a case of choosing then I would choose. But I want to be better by the end of this year regardless of what a mess the country is in and how that effects us financially. I'd like in a year's time to raise a glass and have real reason to toast the coming year.