Tablet

Mixed emotions. Part guilt, part...something else. Brain is not working today as it should. Things are there just out of my line of vision or the tip of my tongue but just can't grasp them. You know when you feel you are in the right. What do you call that? I can't for the life of me remember and I can't be bothered doing a Google search or accessing a thesaurus but a bit of that and a bit of guilt.

To do with tablets. Not the kind you swallow, though they are so small these things you maybe could at a stretch- don't try it at home though, but the electronic type. To cut a long story short we took out a mobile phone contract as my wife's contract is coming to an end. From that my wife recieved a new phone she loves, the oldest child got her old phone and we also got a free tablet- a Nexus 7. Great. I've been trying to move away from laptop. I have it on constantly mainly because it takes to long to boot up and shut down I cannot be bothered with the wait. So an opportunity to cut the laptop out and only access the web and other things when I need to rather than as my wife says "a third arm."

My wife though had other ideas. She thought the kids should get it as a joint additional present. Why an additional present annoyed me is another story but sticking with the tablet I dug my heels in. Very simple. Its an expensive bit of kit, the kids really wouldn't appreciate it and I think very quickly it would come to some harm. Those were my reasons. Additionally I could use it and it would mean if in the coming year I could go places it would give me access to something. So as a compromise I get to keep it and we got the oldest a cheap, £50, tablet which incidentally she loves.

Guilt. Since this decision I have felt very guilty indeed. Turns out my 7 year old daughter's friend recieved a £180 tablet for Christmas. One nephew recieved the Nexus 7, he is 9 years old. And on top of that two of the kids' cousins recieved Ipads for Christmas- 7 years old and 12 years old. I'm quite amazed to be honest. I feel like a real scrouge. But I also still feel I was right. I mean would a 7 year old or even a 9 year really appreciate what they have in their hands? Would they treat it with care? I know my kids have all dropped the laptop at one stage or another and it has withstood it but a tablet is more fragile.

I just don't know. Still have mixed emotions. I think its spoiling kids if I am honest. How much is an Ipad? Jeez. And that is not the only present they get. My kids as a consequence don't appreciate things. They don't seem to care if things break. Why should they? They are young. Kids drop things. That is the way it is. That is why many kids' toys manufacturer's who actually produce for those age groups make things robust and drop proof. I wouldn't want the guilt I feel shifted on to them were they to break it accidently or something else that causes it stop working like spilling a drink over it.

My family are still up North. My wife called last night and told me the oldest has lost her tablet. Apparently its in the house somewhere. In my mind the race is on. If its lost then it could be anywhere. I doubt its stolen but it could be somewhere where someone may sit, stand or throw something down which smashes it. It is all screen after all. They are coming back home today. My wife called earlier to say they still can't find it and have turned the house upside down. As I said mixed emotions. The thing that worries me is that my wife's way of thinking is not too far removed from that of the kids. In her head I think she will just accept it and look to give our daughter our tablet as a replacement.

Anyway. Our one came 3 weeks ago and has all this time been sitting in its box. When they left I decided to get it out. I'll be honest- I am not overly impressed. To me its just a big phone that doesn't make calls. I really do not see the fascination. It is handy, don't get me wrong, for web access and some apps but on the whole no more handy than a modern mobile phone.

So its not that I want it more than the kids or the oldest. Its about what is right. Its about responsibility. Its about what is right- in my mind at least. That is the what is really bothering me though. Am I right? Is it subjective? I think its too much cost for kids who I believe cannot at that age appreciate the gift and nor ready for the responsibility of using such expensive equipment. On the other hand I seem to be in the minority given how many other parents are buying these things for their kids.

There is a real peer pressure too. My kids still believe in santa. I don't want them thinking there is something wrong when their friends are all getting these things from Santa and they are not. I could go on. Its principle. We have a tablet there that we could give but just because we can doesn't mean we should. I have never been able to conform. Maybe that is part of my problem. It always seems to cause me angst.

This is Christmas

Its been raining all day long. Doesn't feel like Christmas eve to me. Were it white outside it may be different but its not. That might even give me some incentive to shift my lazy arse out the door which I have not done since Friday but its not. Its just been a cold, dark, wet windy day. Dismal.

The kids haven't watched much TV. I remember back to my childhood and the excitement when my mum brought home the Radio and TV times two weeks before Christmas. I scanned through the lists to see what great things lay in store, mostly films. Even into my twenties I still looked forward to Christmas specials. Comdies. Lots of them. Great stuff. Now I don't bother. The kids don't bother. There is little special about the TV at Christmas. They get TV on demand any time they want it. Not just on TV but via a host of different sources.

So instead the boy sitting engrossed in his sister's 3DS all day long. The youngest girl was playing games on the laptop. The oldest was writing a play to perform tomorrow for her grandparents. Not just writing the play but getting props ready and later pulling her youngest sister reluctantly away from the PC for a rehearsal. Not the kind of Christmas I remember but things change. Not much sign of my wife. She spent most of the day, like the last few, wrapping presents in the bedroom.

So many presents. A bit of a sore point. We had got the kids all their Christmas things and then two bits of fortune fell into my wife's hands. Firstly her sister gave her a bung of cash to help over Christmas and secondly she took old jewellery to one of these gold places and got the same again almost. So a lot of cash and with our kids already covered I had hoped we could put at least half of that money away for the inevitable shortfalls next month. A day later she had 20% of it left and asked me to put it somewhere safe- I think worried that she would spend that too. And that is probably the reason why she has had to lock herself away for so long. More presents for the kids, presents for relatives and now presents for friends. Oh yes. Turns out she is one of 4 mothers who are all buying presents for the others' kids. That is 8 additional presents. In my day also teachers never got presents. Now they get them by the bucket load. 3 additional presents to buy for. And then there are a couple of birthdays that fall around about Christmas. No wonder so many people get into debt at this time of year.

As I said I have not been out much of late. I have been winding down. No reason to go out so harder to push myself out so instead hopefully preserving some energy for the new year push. At this time of year we have more visitors too. It was my wife's friend last night and my parents tonight. For the first time in a long time I struggled with panic during their visit. I thought I was over that. It caught me out the blue and really struggled to keep a lid on it. Its a reminder that I have to get back to working on my anxiety which I have not done for well over a month- maybe two. This is the endless loop. I work at it and get some relief and then because I am not experiencing full blown panic I stop working on it and before long its at me again. It needs a sustained effort, something I must be looking to do in 2013.

But in doesn't feel much like Christmas to me. I have talked a lot this year about flashbacks and of late they have come more intensely than usual. While the family were at church I wrapped my wife's presents and was taken back a few years to living up North on my own when we were first going out. I used to go out on Christmas eve into the mob and buy every present on that day. Queues and bustle and much angst for all but I didn't mind doing it that way- wasn't that long ago. Visited clear today. What I am missing. And spending the night wrapping presents with a glass of something and some music in the background. I used to always "go home" for Christmas to my parents. Then when things got serious I used to alternate between my parents and my wife's parents. All these thoughts come tumbling in.

My wife has gotten out that routine hence why my parents were here tonight- to drop off presents for the kids. She goes solely to her parents up north for Christmas with the kids. Every year. So my parents never seen us. It is in fact either 6 or 7 years since I last went there for Christmas and the same with the inlaws. Today for the first time I missed it. I actually wished I was going up north too or even going to my parents. Just somewhere other than here. Somewhere familiar that isn't here. Sick of looking at this place. Tomorrow afternoon they will all leave full of Christmas cheer and have a big Christmas dinner up north while I sit here alone for the rest of the week in an empty flat. Its something I have to admit I have usually looked forward too as there is no stress but this year I just miss being out of things. This is Christmas, not a choice I am afraid.

If things do happen for a reason then maybe I didn't appreciate things as much. Well in fact I know that is the case. And now, when I do get better, I will appreciate things. I will appreciate seeing those friends I only now see on Facebook. See family I only see very infrequently in the same place. Will appreciate going somewhere- by the sea maybe.

I know I have to do more. As they say: do what you always do and you will get what you always get. I need to work more and work harder and also be braver if I am honest. At the end of any year its not unusual to feel in a reflective mood and as I see past times come back clearer jumping avoid the empty void of the past recent years it is in my nature to feel down about it. But that is not the message they are sending me. What is in the past stays in the past. It happened, its done. Sure we can look back on that but we cannot recapture it. And the same goes for the void, the empty days all strung together into a vacuum of no memories. It is gone too. Nothing is lost, it never was there to lose. Ahead lies futures yet to be build and that is where not only hope lies but drive too. Inspired to move the arse out the door. Compelled to face the demons. The strength to tackle what lies beyond the void. The confidence that it can be done. And the renewed hope that better days lie ahead. A sense of achievement to be gained. A quality yet to be tasted and savoured. A rite of passage.

In these days ahead plenty of time for contemplation. This I think is the reason for the flashbacks. Contemplation of the days that lie ahead, the pages yet to be written. A time to plan. No more missing Christmas and birthdays and the like. No more. Better days lie ahead. It is up to me whether I want to keep sitting here staring out the window at them or go out and grab them.

The inbetween time

Time flying past too fast at the moment. Only yesterday did I finally order presents for the kids' Christmas not realising its only 2 weeks away. With age our wants grow. I lifted up the 3 A4 sheets of scrawls to work my was through the lists to Santa with Amazon and other sites. Really I do not miss the days I found myself in a mobbed city centre standing for ages in a queue and running from pillar to post trying to get all the presents together for the following day. The lists varied greatly. The 9 year old girl had filled in both sides of the A4 sheet with the writing getting smaller as the list went on and then managing to create virtual columns to add more items as if the space had to be filled. The 7 year old girl filled half one side of a sheet in larger lettering. The 4 year old boy, with the help of his sisters, wrote down to things: Lego Batman for the Wii and Lego Batman 2 for the Wii. As I said our wants grow with age or maybe just for that period of our lives, I am not sure. The boy would be happy with anything. As a result he was the hardest to buy for as I really couldn't think what to get him.

My wife and I have always been of differing opinions when it comes to present buying whether it be for Christmas or Birthday. She maintains the opinion that the more they have and the bigger the things are then the happier they will be and to some extent she is right. From that moment they walk into the living room and see the large piles of wrapped presents right though until they are all opened and the paper is left strewn everywhere they are in dreamland. I don't deny that. But what after? I've always been more of the opinion that even if they are disappointed with the size of the pile they will in the long term be happier with something more suitable. But I always relent. This is why her parents have two bikes and a trampet in their shed virtually unused. Its why I keep tripping up going down the stairs over 3 unused scooters. It is why for a long time a mock big bulky kitchen took up one side of our living room for long period of time. Its why last years cardboard wendy house that you colour in yourself lies abandoned and folded in a corner of the bedroom. Its also why in the dark of night when I am the last to bed I stand on some toy going into the bedroom. Outside our room is their toybox which has been shut for many months and not only full to the brim but cannot be seen beneath a mountain of other unused toys sitting on top and around it usually spilling into our doorway. Its a small flat. There is no storage space. Unused bulk in my opinion is a bad idea.

But this year its mostly the same again though my wife is starting to see that most of what we buy for the kids ends up a long time at the charity shop virtually as good as new and in the inbetween time just takes up space we don't have. If i had my way it would be different. If it was up to me the kids would probably be devasted when they came through looking for a mountain of presents to find a small pile. The the oldest for example. A list full of dolphin related items like plush dolls, posters, books, etc. A dolphin faze. Me? I'd get her a few little nick nacks and as a main present something like the Kindle Fire. As disappointed as she would be on arrival I think by the end of the day she would be happy. She loves playing with my wife's phone with the various Android games. She loves listening to music and writing and Internet browsing. To have a decent tablet and take it wherever she wanted I think she would be happy. We have though compromised. Half the expense roughly going on one main item and the other half being made up with smaller items they want like DVDs, CDs, computer games and like toys.

As I said time flies by. I'll have to now rack my brains as to what to get my wife who is really difficult to buy for. Its been about 3 weeks since I last posted and in that time my 41st birthday passed. A bit of a damp squib but that's the way birthday's are at this age usually. A card will always suffice but I was a bit disappointed that I was given gifts from my wife's side of the family and ignored by more own. Didn't even get a card from my parents as my mum forgot to put a stamp on it. Just another year to add on to the others.

I am still trying to build my walks again but its taking much longer than I would have liked. There is no steady rising line on the graph. Its up and down like a yo yo. One day I'm able to start progressing and the next I am struggling to get out the door. Just like at the start of the year. All it took was a two week lay off to wipe out 10 months of work. But I will get there again.

Obviously its not helped at the moment by the weather. My wife insisted on getting me ice grips which I can't telling her I didn't need but she finally got anyway and when she did the ice disappeared over night. The reason she wouldn't take no for an answer was because of my own stupid stubbornness leading to a little accident. My oldest girl needing to be picked up from her club 2 weeks ago and I have been doing that of late. But that night I forgot the time and had to rush out the door. Rather than staying to the main path which was icy enough underfoot I took a short cut down a red ash path that doesn't get any sunlight. It really was Bambi on ice and before I knew it after a valiant struggle to keep my balance my legs just went from under me. Knees hit the solid surface first, then shoulder and finally face. I felt my teeth dig into the lip and when I stood up I was sure the inner lip would be cut- it wasn't. But I struggled with the walk to collect my daughter after that. My right knee was so sore that I had to limp and was struggling to put weight on it. When I finally got to her she looked shocked and asked if I was OK. Why?, I asked. You have blood all over your face, she replied. I put my hand to my face and true enough lots of blood. Turned out I had multiple cuts on my chin. For days after my body was really sore. Especially the neck, shoulders, upper back and upper arms. So my wife insisted I henceforth where the ice grips she bought and this time I am listening.

Its not an exciting life with lot to tell as you will no doubt have gathered. The highlight of these last 3 weeks and cause for much excitement was something others would find quite mundane- a new toilet. Yes finally the kids can flush a toilet without asking their parents to do it and they loved it. Yes- they loved having a new toilet. The youngest two have never known a toilet that flushed. Ususally my wife or I would have to stand and rapidly yank the handle until it would finally flush. That is all the kids have ever known. So they would get told off when they were elsewhere for not flushing but that was not their fault.

Still not getting out with the camera. I waited so long to get it and since getting it have never used it. I think this is mostly down to the car being out of action for so long. I don't like take photos in my surrounding area and to be honest I have taken all there is to take. I can't walk further afield. So I need the car and maybe then I can get back into photography again which has been on the back burner for a while. As fate would have it at the moment the battery is dead on the car but hopefully we can get a new one soon and start getting out and about it again. When we were doing that it helped my mood enormously and I felt when I was in a better mood the fatigue was not as bad. That is the way it seems to work. Like in the past when I had to get through something like a visit with all the apprehension before hand, panic during and then when over a big burst of energy and confidence sending me out the door further than before. Finally later a crash of tiredness sending me to sleep. When doing the drives my mind started to put the bitty map together and came to the comforting conclusion that the world wasn't that big at all- places at hand were not a thousand miles away as I had thought.

Anyway, I'll get on. After a walk this morning and a spot of lunch I feel like sleeping again but ever reluctant to. Can't afford to. As empty as my day is as a whole there are always things strategically placed within in at that ensure I cannot crash out and a racing mind that wouldn't allow me to anyway. I've been neglecting this blog like I have been putting off a lot of things in life. Time to start doing. Actions rather than words.

One hundred year old man

After a week or so lay off from walking I am pretty shocked at how difficult it is to get back into. It really is like starting over which is frustrating the life out of me. All year I have been building my walks and surpassed the highest levels set in previous years. It has been a massive positive in the year and yet a one week knock and I am back at square one struggling so badly with fatigue that its causing me a lot of anxiety.

Just today I had a short walk with my son after he finished nursery and was dropped off by another mother. A distance I used to take in my stride. But halfway into the walk I felt very unsteady and my vision was blurry giving me that feeling of unreality I could not snap out of. The legs started turning to lead which started to cause me panic because I really believed I was not going to make it back home with my son. So this kicked off shallow breathing which had me hyperventilating to myself- can't show it. In turn this gave a greater sense of unreality and didn't make my balance any better.

Like the old days about 10-20 minutes after a walk I am experiencing after effects again. I had forgotten all about them as my body adjusted slowly to the longer walks. After a short stint out of the routine they are back with a vengeance. Its like a wave of fatigue flattens me. I get restless. The breathing feels very shallow. I feel grey- images in my head of grey skin and purple bloated lips. I don't know why there is the delay but there is. So its making things very difficult at the moment. I know from experience I must put up with it as only by doing so will I eventually get through. Its not easy. Not easy sitting down with the girls to do their homework with them after being out and then being hit with it and trying to cope and stay sane and not running off to bed to crash out.

At times like these I have to remind myself this is not unusual. And I will say again if you read current anxiety self help book then you would think it was unusual as they make no mention of fatigue. Furthermore if you go on to anxiety forums there is not a lot of mention of it either. Its strange. But then anxiety is such a big umbrella. A person may say they have an anxiety problem yet need a normal life but experience moments of nervousness which are not nice but they put up with. A person may also say they have an anxiety problem and cannot leave their bedroom for fear. I once spoke to a girl who had trouble even getting to her toilet in the house as she was totally bound to the bedroom crippled by agoraphobia. All anxiety problems are not the same. But the lack of mention of fatigue on forums and in self help books would normally lead me to think I have some other problem outwith anxiety.

That is if it were not for Dr Claire Weekes, a pioneer in the field. In 1984 in her book "More help for your nerves" she wrote the following:

"At this moment, while reading this, you may be bewildered by what is happening to you. Perhaps the task of facing today, tomorrow, seems too much for your exhausted body to attempt, too much for your tired mind to think about. And yet it may only be a few months since you could have done that, and much more, so easily. 

You may have reached a stage where you feel you would rather close your eyes and never open them again than have to open them tomorrow. All this may be so unlike your old self- indeed may be a reversal of the former self- that your bewilderment may be extreme. 

When I explain to some bewildered, nervously ill people that their suffering is based on nervous fatigue, they are at first dubious that such strange, disturbing symptoms as theirs, such as utter exhaustion, could have such an apparently simple cause. However, when convinced, being nervously fatigued seems less frightening that the 'mental' illness they were beginning to suspect  was theirs. The picture of mental illness has so many dark, mysterious places."

One thing that should be noted here is the language. It can be a scary read because the terms are so archaic and I know it has frightened a lot of people off reading her books. Once you see the terms for the modern day equivalent it actually makes a lot of sense. Nervously ill for example means a person with an anxiety disorder which is not an illness and not really nerves as such. Sure its to do with the nervous system but the scary tags hide a simple less frightening meaning.

Now she explains fatigue at length. People writing self help books today have taken her ideas and passed them off as their own but also at the same time dropped the fatigue. Why? Well I personally have come to think it then appeals to a wider audience. It appeals to those who have nervous issues but not a disorder and then some of those people that don't actually have a disorder come to believe they do. I know one man in particular makes a great deal of how many people he has "cured" and yet from what I have seen many of these people didn't have anything to "cure" in the first place. Its marketing.

Dr Weekes is the only person I have seen explain the fatigue and the fact that she goes on about it at length must have meant it was an important factor. This is a woman who when she started writing had her own practice where she used to deal with people with anxiety disorders (or breakdowns as they were then known). She then went on to deal with 100s of people world wide and in those discussions still made a great deal of fatigue.

The reason I say this is I have to keep reminding myself of this. If I do not refer back to her and just read the modern writing I then start to think the fatigue is something outwith the anxiety. As she explains it begins with worry- excessive worry. Obsessional worry. Worry over little things. The body reacts to this worry by tensing and depleting resources and over time this has a snowballing effect because the fatigue gives a person more to worry about and a mentally fatigued person finds it harder to see clearer and resolve the worry. And so on. It then seems clear to me how easily the mind can deplete the body and only by dealing with these issues can we over time start to get the fatigue to lift. Also though as I am finding out at the moment I am struggling mentally to deal with the fatigued body when I see old people walking about outside and wondering why I at half their age at least am too fatigued to do the same. I feel 100 years old and mentally cannot get my head around it and because I can't that anxiety will have me feeling 110 this time next week when I should be celebrating a birthday in double figures.

The escapist

I don't think I could stick another pic of a gull or that church hall outside my living room window any more than you could but still have nothing to offer in the way of visual display, as an introduction to the post. I remain though as I have from the start determined only to post what is rightfully my own and not swagged from someone else. And unbelievable as it sounds that above is my own. The unmistakable London Eye or whatever they call it now- Millennium Wheel? According to the EXIF data 20th November 2001. That can't be right or maybe it is. So long ago. When I was free and could travel. When Jack Kerouac had my feet itching. A stop off in London there and back on the way by Eurostar to Amsterdam via Brussels. Another time.

Anyways enough about the pic and on to the post. Good things possibly. Well life at least is much improved on my last post. Pain free and starting to climb up the mountain again slowly. It has given me time to reflect. Maybe for the first time since this all started I am being honest with myself and have identified a major flaw, a glaring fault. I think in all this time I have flatly denied any wrong doing and placed the blame on "something else". Something outwith my control. I have read this disorder happens to lots of people and so I should not be alone. As comforting as that is, and it is comforting when it all begins and you feel you are the alone in a madness, it is a comfort blanket. It allows you to pass the blame. This is not my fault. This is outwith my control. There is nothing I could have done about it. In this short period of short contemplation I find the truth is that this is all my fault. Its all my fault and I can take as many medications as they want to feed me and CBT and other therapy and still this will perisist. It will persist until I wake up and realise firstly where the true fault lies and secondly by changing those ways.

Reluctance is not so bad. Reluctance implies some sort of DOING against your will. "Doing" being the important part. As much as a person does not want to do it they do it reluctantly. And whether you make a show of the reluctance or not it matters not as long as the thing gets done. Its not the same as actionless aversion. Yes I just made that phrase up because I couldn't think what else to call it. Basically its a reluctance so strong that you do not do. An aversion to something so strong you do not take the action required.

Now here is the thing: this then becomes a habit. If you get away with it then you continue to do it and it is very unhealthy. You don't want to do something so strongly you shy away from it. You flatly refuse to do it. You make excuses and then worst of all you go deep inside your world to hide away deep in distraction. This is what I have been doing. Its not good. Its not something I want to admit but I am afraid if I am honest I have been doing it. My only saving grace possibly is that I have not until now realised I have been doing it. But that will only be a saving grace if I now do something about it.

Let me though say that I do not sit idly refusing to do anything unless I want to do it. There are lots of things I do not want to do but I do. There are though some things I refuse. Silly things. Things I let fester and they are constantly eating away at me making me restless.

One example. Debt. I have a letter to write to the lender. The first draught was typed up on the 27th January 2012 and still sits there. I keep saying I will get it redone, printed off and then sent. Still it sits there. Nearly a year passed and it still sits there. Ridiculous. Why am I so reluctant to do it? Why do I keep putting it off?

Another example. There is a packet of straws sitting in a drawer in the kitchen. My wife bought them at my request about 6 months ago. In December last year I promised the therapist I would start a series of exercises to eleviate the symptoms of anxiety and they involved a straw for one. Still I have not done it. I keep building up to it every so often and breaking off.

Since this realisation I have noticed more and more instances. I have created a bubble to escape to away from these things. I lose myself in distraction rather than face them. For some reason they really weigh heavy and I have created problems from them where there should be done. It is good that I am noticing this now but its only good if I take steps to remedy them.

So what do I plan? Will the escapist follow his urges to escape or finally face up to things? I honestly cannot say, I hope its the latter. I make no more promises I may break so easily. I do though have a plan. A simple plan which may be too simple to work. I have decided that each day I will think of something I have an aversion to and put off and it will be my goal to do it the following day. I will keep a record of these, an honest account. I am challenging myself. If I can pass a couple of challenges it may give this escapist the heart to stand and eat into more. Past form says not but we can all change. Even me.

Sliding down the side of the mountain

NOTE: I know the images do not relate to the content but not getting out of late anywhere to take photos so apologies for that.

Its been a hell of a time but not, I am afraid to say, in a good way. There is nothing to be gained by going into details so I won't but its been the hardest of times. It happens every once in a while. Once, twice or maybe three times a year. Maybe not as often as thrice. Just not sure. My walks have stopped dead in their tracks since Friday and this has had a massive knock on effect. In this period the one thing I have learned is that I have been actually making more progress than I realised but all too late. This enlightenment has come about ironically because I am starting to experience a lot of dark things that I used to experience but had not realised over the last few months had all but gone. This is all down to being virtually incarcerated again in this shitty little flat. Lots of fears resurfacing and pulling back old nightmares. Little did I realise at the time but I have actually been climbing up the mountain and making more headway than I thought. Only now that I find myself sliding down fast with smoke belching from the seat of my pants as I go do I see how far I had come.

As I said I won't go into detail but suffice it to say I have been, and continue to be, in a great deal of pain. Pain that I cannot escape. Pain that means I cannot even rest comfortably. Pain that disturbs my sleep and leaved me feeling more shattered every morning. Pain with a cause. A clear cause. A cause that would send most to their GP or the hospital but that is not a luxury I have- being an agoraphobic. Any way not to worry. As I said I have been here before and as bad as it is I know its a temporary state and will heal with time. This though is the longest episode I have had and still there is no sign of it ebbing but it will ebb eventually. All I can do in the meantime is put up with it and treat the cause. Also as well as not being able to seek medical advice I cannot take painkillers as they do not agree with me so I just have to accept it. If I could I would take them but I cannot deal as easily with the side effects I experience- though I never used to. And there are two little bottles of whiskey in the kitchen that have been left at various times by my father-in-law. God I have been tempted and they would probably both be empty by now were it not for the fact I know it would really play on my anxiety the day after.

So that as where I am at the moment and as bad as the pain is I really have to say the most frustrating thing for me is that the walks I have been building all year have been wiped out. That depresses me because I know now from experience when I start them up again it will be like starting over again. And this has had the biggest effect on my anxiety. I am still managing small walks but very restricted and like the early days after I come in I experience bad after effects. Its like a heavy fatigue where I feel grey and my lips feel bloated and my eyes blur and my breathing is not good. Just feel horrendous. Not straight away. It takes about 20 minutes and then it hits. But as I said I used to experience this regularly and its a testament to how well my walking has been going that I have not experienced in a long time up until now.

It really does have a knock on effect. Time anxiety is creeping back and I never even noticed it was gone. I am starting to look at the clock again when I get up and counting the hours left in the day with a sense of dread. Yet before this period I was getting up early with no conscious thought of the time and going out for a long, by my standards, walk without any problems. So you see I was making progress even if I didn't think so myself.

As I said though this is a temporary state. It will pass. And when it passes if I have to start over then so be it. I now know I can do it, have done it and can get back there again. I have proved it to myself. Time does not matter. I just need to let things run their course and then start the journey back over again knowing I will get there and that if I don't push things I might even get back there quicker than the last time and beyond.

Imaginative

Kids have such fantastic imaginations. Its unspoiled by life. Unsoiled by reality. It blooms free in their protected environment. Well, unfortunately not all kids. I don't even want to go there as its the stuff of terrible living nightmares.

In the case of my own kids they are very imaginative, creative and expressive. This feeds off each other as it does with most siblings. I wouldn't claim they are any more imaginative but it pleases me, pleases me more than being academic. Maybe that's wrong but its honest. The youngest to express this side of themselves mainly in game and stories told orally. The oldest expresses her side artistically and this isn't to do with age- it has always been the case. It reminds me much of myself at that age getting praise for drawing not drawn from memory but copied. Still good all the same. As well as the drawing though she also writes. She writes plays and acts them out at school with her friends. Writing is something that I didn't do at that age. In fact I didn't start reading for leisure until my late teens and only started writing a few years after that which lead me eventually into blogging.

Every year from nursery to school the oldest has been praised by teachers for her artistic attributes as well as her imagination. In many respects it has been encouraged. That has always been a good thing. Last week my wife went to the parents night at the school. The youngest two had glowing reports, the oldest not so glowing. It would seem that from having her imagination cultivated for years it is now time to curb it. Its all come a bit sudden for her. Its all a bit too sudden for me too and I don't like it.

Don't get me wrong I can understand the reasoning but that doesn't make me accept it any more. She is at an age now where she has to stop all the foolish mind wanderings and buckle down in preparation for hard work and exams. Imagination is now outlawed. No drawings and plays. That artistic police are patrolling with batons at the ready.

Of course I understand she needs full concentration now for the acedemic side of things but I do wish they had blended it better rather than a sudden stop. And I don't like the idea of this part of her being stifled. I don't like the duty to conform. Maybe I don't like the prospect of my oldest finally having to face reality and worried that all the beautiful things will shrivel and disappear.

This takes me back to myself. As I said I was the same at that age and I had my dreamworld razed to the ground as reality came crashing in. And even all these years on I think I am still trying to get my head around it. One of my earliest memories of anxiety came with this reality- though I saw it as dread but dread is anxiety: fear of something yet to happen. I left school, went into accountancy, left that for a job in electronics and found myself jobless as the job I was sure I had after first an interview and then a medical was not offered. So I was at home with my parents looking unemployed and my dad decided that I would work for him. After a week of it I had intense dread every day after until he finally let me off the hook. I hated it. Being stuck in grimy dirty places and working with dust and steel wool and going home soiled in dirt and sweat knackered. Its not that I had an aversion to work. I had an idea of the work I wanted to do  and it was expressive. I really couldn't handle that kind of work.

That leads me into thinking about employment and how all my working life I moved from here to there. From accountant to eventually electronic test engineer to then IT and from that to programming and finally to database management. Never satisfied with any of them. Always seeking something new. Even when I left the last job I started working towards a job in web design. And its not that I am lazy. In all of these lines of works I have had to study hard at the same time as working- in my last job I sat no less than 10 exams and came away with 3 qualifications already to look into something new where though qualifications were worthless. Always restless for something new. Always seeking fulfillment and never finding it. Forever trying to appease that part of me they locked in a dark room and never finding it. I wonder if in the end I just burned out in the search.

As much as I agree with the logic in what the school are doing I think that deep rooted fear is surfacing that by stifling my daughter's imaginative side it will lead her to a restless life like my own. I just want her to be happy and follow, eventually, a life that makes here happy regardless of how much she makes from it financially. I just worry that blotting out her imaginative urges will lead her to feeling something in her life is always missing and never being able to find it.

Sparklers

Finally we have cracked, or the wife has. I got up yesterday morning to find not the frozen damp air of old but a toasty surprise. My wife is always first up on a weekday and she'd turned the heating on complaining that she was physically shaking so had no other choice. There was no arguements from me or from the kids. The fact is we should have done it earlier because we are all still feeling poorly but less poorly than a few days ago. Hopefully the heat will help us back to normality- or abnormality in my case.

Last night it was a biting bitter wind that came around tea time so no desire to venture outdoors. Even less so considering my wife was working at night. So I was happy to turn the lights off and watch the fireworks and there were many. But my wife had other ideas. She had bought sparklers for the kids and despite it being freezing she was determined that not only they get used but I take some photos too. I was reluctant as I was already chilled to the bone.

We did though. The kids enjoyed it. I still not have gotten around to learning how to use my camera properly and so the shots were all pretty poor. When I used to use the little compact although it was restrictive, especially in low light, I used to always know what to do and how to get the best out of it. With this knew one though I don't and it should be no surprise as I have not spent the time learning.

I think it is because even though its smaller than a DSLR it is still to big to fit in my coat pocket. With a pancake lens I could get away with it but cannot afford one of those or any other lens at the moment. And as I cannot take it out like I did the compact then I am less keen to learn as there is nothing indoors to take photos of. Also because the car is off and on the road I don't have that. We would take the car to places and I could get out and photograph new things and that gave me an appetite. After wanting one for so long and getting most of the money for it for my 40th and then saving until I finally had enough it now sits virtually unused. I must try to get back into it again.

The kids had a great time though with the sparklers. While I struggled with knobs and buttons and jittered the whole while they laughed and seemed uneffected by the cold. When it was over and I was ready to shoot indoors they wanted to stay out. In we came and we did watch some great fireworks light up the sky. Last year with the little compact I managed to capture the fireworks. With my new camera I gave up trying.

Bad Samaritan

Its dark around 4:30 in the evening at the moment though in some days its hard to tell day from night such is the dark gloomy weather. When the clouds part though the town in lit up ultra-bright but those days are few and far between. Still we are battling the cold with hot water bottles and fleece blankets reluctant to give the energy man any more than we need to. Reluctant to add to his quarterly billions of profits as he yet again hikes up the tarrif.

At some point though we must relent. Not for the luxury of warmth but for our health because the past few days we have felt poorly with all sorts of things but I am sure down to the cold damp air. Its no way for kids of between 4 and 9 to live with their coughs and feverish tempretures. Spiting Scottish Power is one thing but not when the cost of the children's health.

As I said its mostly dark, cold, skyless, grey and gloomy- nothing new for Scotland. Bitter at times. Come around 5 its pitch black and I usually don't go out for a walk but yesterday I did. Not because I wanted to but because I had to. My wife and kids were with a friend at the shops and they were coming home so I was to go and meet them to carry home the shopping as I always do unless my wife takes the car. So I met them in the dark and the kids were giddy as it felt to them like they were up past their bed time and on a midnight journey .

We were walking back and not far from home. I actually got annoyed. A car slowed down on the road we walked past and he appeared to be looking out. What the hell was he looking at? Like some kind of weirdo and then he drove on. Very strange. As we turned the curve in the path in front of us blocking the path was a figure lying sprawled on the path. Although lacking in light I could tell it was a man and older than me. I had walked past their 5 minutes previous and he wasn't there. Just lying there.

Cars were driving by. Slowing and looking but always driving on. And I'll be honest and say that is what I wanted to do. I am no good Samaritan. That gives me a strange mix of feelings. I take no pride in that and I do feel guilt. I felt a hyprocrit if I am honest. Just the night before my wife was telling me about a girl she knows who comes into her work and how she'd been working in a take away when 5 teenagers came in from a bad area and battered her senseless before wrecking the shop. This was not 5 boys but a mix of boys and girls. And she had said a few people were standing outside the shop watching while this went on. That angered me. How could someone just stand and watch that. Eventually the police arrived- 3 hours after the dust had settled. I wouldn't have stood and watched that happen. Would I?

I remember hearing raised voices and then a lot of banging coming from the back of our home. I quickly went into the bedroom to see what the distrubance was. A flat across the road had its door kicked and the main window was smashed and I could see silhouttes of people inside. No voices now. Just banging and cracking and smashing. Then they all came running out and I quickly moved away from the window realising no one was actually hurt, they were just smashing the place up. I moved to the front room but not close enough to be seen but someone outside was seen because just before the screech of tires as they sped off I heard one say to someone outside: I know your face. You say anything and you'll get fucking done it.

Lovely. So there we were with a body slumped on the path. As we moved closer there was groaning and movement. Still I wanted to walk on. Anxiety, feeling ill and unsure of this. What if? What if this guy had been stabbed and needed help and if we had not walked by he could have been saved? What if the people who done it were lurking in the woodland to the right of us and came out charging and my kids' safety was compromised as a result? What do you do in these situations?

My wife doesn't think things through. She went over and started talking to him, asking if he needed any help to get up. By this time it was clear there was no blood. He wanted up but was a bit of a lump. I grabbed one side and she grabbed the other as we got him to his feet and I could smell the drink off him. Then the cursing started. Not at us but as his head. Effing and blinding as we say. I looked at the kids and moved them on. Awkwardly he was going the same we were and was wanting us to give him a hand home. I ignored him and walked on. By now I was angry. Self indulgence, he gets help and wants more. What about those that really need help and people walk or drive by?

So yes a Bad Samaritan I am afraid to say. If I stumble upon the same scenario again I will most likely walk on by like all the others too unless there is clear evidence someone needs help.  

Melon

Yep another set of melons this year and that is not right out of "Carry on Halloween". Again this year its a pumpkin-less festivity where the pumpkin is usually the main stay. My wife started it last year but I have to say I am inclined to agree. I mean apart from carving what do you do with the pumpkin? And if you don't get rid of it quickly it rots to buggery into a mush similar to mashed turnips though- and I can't believe I am saying this- less appealing.

Do people eat pumpkin? I remember when I worked up North the canteen, it was a big one for 1500 people or there abouts, used to do great breakfasts but their lunches were poor. Mind you you can't really go wrong with hot rolls though my work place after that did putting. Even the thought of it gives me the dry boak. I remember standing in the queue one day starving, the smell of cooked breakfasts always is appealing to the tum in the mornings bringing a hunger that is not usually there, and looking at a tray of square sausage. They was about 30-40 all lumped on a metal tray not given any space and just a big meaty pile swimming in a sea of artery clogging fat. And I watched a burnt sausage being placed on a roll noting that an over lapping part was actually raw. Oh no. I walked away that day because up until then I had trained myself not to look and when I had a roll not to inspect to the point where I didn't even put sauce on it for fear of seeing pinkness. So I walked away as I said and never had morning rolls again for the duration of my employment.

But back to the work place before that. As I also said they did good breakfasts cooked through and not dripping in as much fat. On that point I would like to point out that I never fry cook anything and have not done for years. Between that and tons of salt on everything else I don't know how my gran' boys grew up to be healthy young me but as she told me when she was alive people worry too much and as an example she said in hospitals staff won't digest anything left for them which is not covered and in her day everything was out in the open and no one suffered- at this I refrained from mentioning that in her day life expectancy was not great or at least down on what it is now. This was a point that always irked her. Partly from working in a hospital all her days and so finding fault in the domestics of today and partly because of her nephew. My gran took 3 bags of chocolate treats to give to the nurses looking after her sister in the hospital and returned to find them the next day not only still there but in bowls with her nephew stuffing his face to which he replied he put the out in bowls for the nurses but nobody touched them and so he didn't see the point in them going to waste. Given that he is a scammer and a cheat and an all round cad of some notoriety within our family I suspect he knew what would happen and couldn't wait to stuff his greedy face. I mean this is the guy who among other things used to buy E240 (4 hour) blank VHS tapes which he used to take home, dismantled, swap the reels with one of his old 1 hour or 2 hour tapes and then take back to the shops and get them refunded.

I have gone off on a tangent yet again. So this last but one workplace did good breakfasts but the lunches were dire. It wasn't so much they made bad food but what they made was bad rather than how it was cooked or prepared. I never went near the stuff. It was they had a stockpile of all the Heston Blumenfeld inventive dishes that didn't work and were looking to get rid of them. Experiments of gastric roulette rather than culinary delights. So I lived off chips and coleslaw in the main. If I was really hungry I added one of those things that is like a square of spam with a boiled egg in the middle and pastry around the outside- don't know what its called.

Not that I am immune from experimentation and know first hand its dangers. I remember many years ago when I stayed with my gran and I was out with my friends at the pub. I was starving but the take out place was by the late hour we left closed. So when I got home I raked about the kitchen and put two things together that I likes as an experiment and to fill me up. So as I fried the paella I oven cooked a garlic pizza. When then paella was ready I took the garlic pizza out, topped it with paella, covered it in cheese I had grated and then put it back in the oven. I felt ill for days and of course never finished it. Even in my long gone inebriated state it was too much for my stomach.

Back in the work canteen on the even of Halloween waiting in the queue for my coleslaw and chips I joked that I would not put it past the caters to serve pumpkin curry the following day. Even the thought of it brought back all the tummy gurgles of that past disaster of my own. And of course that is what they did. I came in the next morning and a couple of collegues laughing asked me to guess what he special was. Of course I didn't need to answer.   

No one I knew tried it. Maybe it was nice- though I doubt it. Someone would have though. Its a macho thing eating something no one else will eat. Someone would have stepped up to the plate. But it wasn't me.

Back at our little Halloween the kids enjoyed the pumpkin replacements. They drew the faces and my wife carved them. And as she carved they lined up for fresh melon bits enjoying every one of them. There wasn't too much more than that apart from dressing up and some treats. The customary ducking for appels but this year we used apple slices. Halloween is a non event in comparison to my own childhood. I remember my mum buying lots of monkey nuts, sweets and things for when the guisers came calling while I would be dressed up and with other friends going from door to door collecting treats. I have stayed here over a decade now and not once at Halloween have I heard the door chapped. Sad really.

Communication

When the kids were away for a week I did miss them and their quirky ways. For a whole week it was just me and my wife which has not happened for at least 9 years. Sadly we are virtual strangers and with the common interest gone and my restricted life there was not a lot left so it was long and it was empty.

One tale though did make me smile about the girls. The oldest is very artistic. Always drawing or writing. She was out in the garden drawing flowers for a good bit and when she finally became board went to go indoors. The doors were shut over though and she could not get in. There is of course a bell but my children would not think to use that. No, instead she wrote a note that she was trapped outside. She then walked around the house and found an open window and posted the message through then returned to drawing in the garden. After a while when no one came to get her she returned back to the house and went to the window. Behind the glass was her younger sister standing- who had obviously found the note. She was holding a big sheet of paper up to the window with the words written: I AM BUSY. The younger one then went back to watching TV leaving the oldest to find another way in. All the time their grandparents were sitting in the front room oblivious to this.

It reminds me of another time with the oldest. They like a bit of drama. I got up one Saturday and after giving them breakfast she asked me if I could let her know if I heard her mum getting up, to which I agreed to do. I didn't give it any more thought. When I heard my wife get up I didn't have to tell her because she heard. She went over to where my wife sits leaving a piece of paper, opened the door to the stairs (leading out of our home) and shut the door behind her. I could here her walking down the stairs. When my wife got up and saw the paper she sat down, read it and started laughing. I wish I had kept it as from memory I cannot do it justice. Basically the oldest was sorry for being bad of late so had decided to leave to be on her own. But if my wife ever wanted her to come back into the family then she could be found at the bottom of the stairs. Nothing like a sense of drama.

I give these examples because they amuse me at least but also because it irks me a little. This kind of communication without speaking takes me back to my wife. That week alone together we hardly spoke at all. In fact on our 9th Wedding anniversary sitting in the same room she wished me a happy wedding anniversary via a Facebook PM. And that was only after wishing a guy from work happy birthday.

There is a complete lack of communication between us. Not just between us but I think generally more in the world. If I ask my wife whether one of her friends has agreed to something, for example, she will say she hasn't had a text back yet or she got a text to confirm it.

I go out for walks and so many people walking mindlessly alone with headphones on. I bought a paper from the shop and the few things I said fell on deaf ears with no reply.

And another annoyance. The wife does it and the kids do it. I say something and don't get a reply. It annoys me and then they say they are doing it as if I should not wait for an answer but wait to see what their actions are. It annoys the hell out of me.

Silence doesn't bother me. In fact I life silence. But there never is silence despite the lack of communication. There has got to be a TV on even if no ones watching it so that there is no silence and I look around the room with the oldest writing away, the younger girl on the computer, the boy staring at the 3DS and my wife texting or Facebooking on her phone. All in the same room but all in seperate worlds. And that includes myself sitting here typing this. It is only when I take a minute out to look about that I am taken out of my little world for a moment before I again dive back in.

Altered States

I'm feeling proud of myself for small victories. 11 weeks now of 10 mile walks. God, some people twice my age can walk that in the one go. For me though progress. I have only reached that level twice before and both those times were in 2009. The first time I only managed it 2 weeks in a row and the second time 3 times in a row. 2010 and 2011 I never got anywhere near that in a week and this year I started off struggling to break the 2 mile barrier over a week never imagining that I would get to this level for almost 3 months. Its important to give yourself a pat in the back otherwise you just keep taking on the negatives. But I do keep it in perspective. Anyone reading this would think 10 miles in a week: so what? Rightly so, in my world though it means something.

Some cruel tormentor though is at work always looking to slap me down. I logged on to Facebook this morning to look at what's going on in the lives of people I have not seen for over a decade mostly. And there was a post from my dad: 6 mile walk this morning. Slap down. Twenty years my senior and in the last year hospitalised after a heart attack. 6 miles. I struggle to get a mile under my belt. I think: what the hell is wrong with me? Why do I struggle to do a mile and he with his seniority and ill health can do 6 times that? Something is wrong. Of course its that old question for me of how much is agoraphobia and how much is fatigue and how much of the fatigue is caused by the anxiety and how much of the anxiety is caused by the fatigue and so on.

Thinking today I am begining to wonder if fatigue isn't more of a problem because to walk around my block is one third of a mile and were I to attempt doing it 18 times in a row I doubt I could manage past the 3 so that is not agoraphobia. I would start to get anxious but only because I would get breathless and unsteady and weak and feel the need to get back home and rest. Anxiety from my agoraphobic state is definitely a big issue as I know from car journeys but I also have to start accepting that fatigue is as big an issue.  If suddenly I lost my agoraphobia overnight and was anxiety free I still think I would have trouble walking far and attempting any kind of physical exercise. What I also have to remember is that before the anxiety problems started it was fatigue that led me back and forth to the GP without any resolution despite the numerous tests. Just a note.

This is been a strange old week. For the first time in what must be at least 8 years my wife and I spent as few days alone. Her parents took all 3 kids up north last Sunday and my wife went up to get them on Friday. It was strange. Strange being together and finding that with time on our hands there was not much we could do with it together- she could on her own. But for her a welcome break as I have had plenty of time on my own but this was her first time. That is the price you pay when you don't have family living nearby. I doubt, unless I can get myself well soon, there will be another period in the near or distant future until they start leaving home.

That brings me back to guilt. They are growing so quickly and I look at the oldest who is still but a toddler in my head and think she will be 10 next year. All 3 have never known any different from the now- crammed in a small damp ridden flat with no garden and a dad who doesn't work, doesn't go out, won't go to see them in plays at school and won't go weekends away with them. A dad who may very well be as well not being there, what difference would it make? If only this was enough to get me well. If only that will power was enough. Its the kind of thing that has sent me many times out the door headlong into panic and pushed through it with gritted teeth determined to get to that point I keep reading about where the panic subsides and instead finding it increasing more and more until I can take no more, come scuttling home and am of no use to anyone for weeks and sometimes months after. So frustrating.

But any road to recovery starts at least, and usually with, small steps. I wonder if a really disturbing episode is a step in that direction. When I say disturbing I mean disturbing to me at the time because I could not seem to handle it but on reflection now nothing to worry about. On Monday I had this strong sense of deja vu but with it came a sense of dread and I could not get it out of my head. The reason on reflection was probably change. My day never changes and yet here I was with my wife and no kids and it seemed to take me back a decade and unsettled me. I remember reading in a Dr Claire Weekes book once how people in a situation such as I am in can find even subtle change very hard to deal with but until Monday had never experienced it to my knowledge- though if I look back I probably have. What it did was lead to full on mental panic which is basically like a sensory overload giving a sense of unreality which if I am honest is scary even when you know what it is. I really could not get to grips with it at all but by the Tuesday it was gone. I say it could be a step in the right direction as I see it as an extreme of something else I have been experiencing lately.

Over the past few weeks and to a lesser extent over the past few months I have been experiencing weird flashbacks. Well not weird but just out of place. What they are is actually flashbacks of normality. I could be at the laptop reading or typing and see a bank of Scotland in Edinburgh where I used to withdraw money when I worked there. For a moment I see myself as a passenger in a certain street in Perth from when I lived there and a street I had forgotten about. More and more of them come. It makes me wonder if its my mind trying to make sense of it and trying to stitch back the normality that existed for so long before the agoraphobic days of my latter years. I have become so introspective and so cut off that I see it as the mind starting to build paths to the world that exists outside of the bubble I have been living in and the begining of piecing reality back together in some ways a bit like what might happen to someone who has been in a cell for 10 years and finds the outside world daunting but over time it all starts to come back and the fear of it is lost. Just a theory but one I am hopeful of as I know that I cannot just go from this existence straight back into what I once termed normality.

So positives of sorts. Also in mentioning there mental panic I was given thought to look back at the actual panic in my life of late and have to say I cannot remember any episodes. Strange but good. Last weekend was the closest right up to the arrival of my parents for the first time in a few months but it went much better than expected and then the following day I had the inlaws for a much longer time at home. No panic. Not entirely anxiety free experiences by any means and still fleeting panic with the constant threat of it going full blown but no actual panic attack. So good. More positives. I have to note these things and try to use them to spur me on. What I have learned is that I cannot rush this. I have to keep at least maintaining what I am doing and when time comes to increase things it will come naturally and gradually. I just have to go along with it and pick up every little tiny positive and pin it to my chest to remind me I could be heading in the right direction however far off the end in sight still seems.

No distance left to run

 

 A while back on a previous incarnation of this blog before the move I made up a video which was basically a collection of old photographs of my life through the years to here and some music in the background. What I should have done was repost it here 2 months ago when I posted the diaries as it was more relevant then because I lost it in the move so I'd like to post it again. As I was watching it again tonight I decided I might as well post it.

Not working

It seems wherever I turn at the moment the 4 letter acronym is there- AtoS. Striking fear into everyone they contact. On a contract in which they benefit financially for every benefit they take away. Ruthless, some would say. Still I wait in the line holding my little ticket waiting for my number to be called, fearing the time when it does come. It could be tomorrow. It could be next week. It could be next year but somehow I doubt it.

Already I have accepted what will happen and what I will do based on the horror stories I have read. Put simply I will tell them as politely as I can to naff off. Every action has a consequence. In my case we are a family of 5 living in a small 2 bedroom damp ridden flat without a holiday for 6 years and just about financially keeping our head above water. When that money is taken away, and it will be taken away, we are buggered for want of a better word. To be honest I don't know what we will do. But I am one of many.

Of course the solution is employment or at least self sufficiency. Can I work? Yes and no. I can't go to a workplace of any description so that would suggest no. But I am able bodied within my confinement. I have a computer and internet access. I have computer skills. Surely those could be put to some use and if it meant data entry for 12 hours a day and for 6-7 days a week I would do it to be free of the stigma and now financial uncertainty. Alas finding such employment isn't easy and when I last spoke to the people at the Job Centre they basically told me to search the Internet but all I could find were schemes you pay for and hope you make back the money later.

There are of course other ways to become self sufficient. I see a lot of people do it. Once upon a time I thought as was as imaginative but the truth is I am not. Try as I might I have searched myself for an ounce of creativity which may lead to being my own boss. I know my inlaws would probably give me some cash if I had an idea I thought could make me self sufficient or a skill. Agoraphobia though is stifling in the creative process. Of course there are things that can be done without leaving the house but mainly these are skills that involve creating something physical- unless its virtual like web design which I tried and failed at. So no paths leading in any direction. It takes me back to the mundane tasks of things like data entry. Jeez with so much gathered in paper form needing transformed into electronic format surely someone could make use of my time in exchange for not being a scummy benefit scrounger.

Going back to this cull a few things have been on my mind of late. I saw no justification in this current process and in fact today on another current matter affecting the employed I heard someone say that currently the government are targeting areas where there is a minority of wrong doing but not caring that they are impacting those who play by the rules. It got me thinking. Those who play by the rules are the ones most trodden. The evasive devious types usually find a way round it.

The employed can be so righteous and I speak from experience as I was once one of them myself. I remember scoffing at a woman being off for 3 months paid leave with stress in my work even though all she did all day was sit at a computer talking to others around her and making occasional trips back and forth to the coffee vending machine. I never saw her once look stressed. Then another woman who was off every other week claiming to have ME and any time she was in work she shuffled like an old dear with her head hung moaning and groaning despite being in her early forties. Charlatans I thought. I felt an intense disgust I am ashamed to admit.

And what of the employed. I noticed the other day that one of the fathers on the school run has been going a bit regular of late despite having a job. When I asked my wife told me he got signed off with depression for a month. Depression? He's not depressed. Yeah but he needed the time off and he couldn't take unpaid leave. That took me back to my uncle. He'd used up all his holidays at work when my gran was ill so through no fault of his own. But he said to me it was OK because later in the year he would take 2 weeks off by seeing the doctor and getting "signed off with depression or something like that". Something that is difficult to dispute as there are no physical symptoms. You see its in the psyche now that mental problems are undiagnosable and easily emulated and so not taken seriously so there is an undercurrent, as I can testify from experience, that people are lazy skivers unwilling to work.

That is though not to say that it is not the case. God there are many. I remember in between jobs in my early 20s coming out of the job centre after signing on and bumping into a girl  I went to school with. She thought it was great not working and had no intention of doing so and then started to tell me to right off for jobs I would never get and all sorts of other thing "to keep them off your back". Just last year sitting outside my house in the sun a guy came up and got talking and then told me how he was signing on under two different names in different places and still working for cash in hand and he could get me a job there too if I wanted. I see them all the time. My dad's cousin hasn't worked a day in his life and is the biggest slithery snake I have ever known getting everything going. A chancer and it pays for him. Lots of examples and you will know your own so yet I can understand the need for it but its just a pity that everyone is tarred with the same brush.

Its just something I cannot get my head around. My GP has been very good and understanding. He went to university for a long time and worked hard to be a GP as many do. Why is his word not good enough all of a sudden? Why is some stranger with less of a medical background and a set of procedures suddenly deciding whether I am capable to work or not. Well I can tell you this: despite the ramifications of not allowing them to have their wicked way with me I will not be letting them do so. I have read of too many people going through humiliation and mental torture and still being called a fraud after to let them get any satisfaction aside from their financial benefit from doing me over. No chance. They can go and...

Well, I suppose I will deal with that bridge when I come to it. I'm sure there are ways to deal with most things but its best not pondering too much on it until the need is near otherwise in an anxious mind like my own it just becomes caught up in all the other worries growing, snowballing. Still though its worth using it to try to spur myself to find some way to financial independence. Write a Kindle bestseller? Agoraphobic photographer specialising in things around the house and out of the window? Play the stock-markets from the home with monopoly money? Write a killer app for the mobile and tablet platforms? Oh to have the talent or the imagination. Useless at making things with my hands and the brain is too full of swirly things to let any creativity breathe. But I will keep looking.

Aside from the sword of Damocles things have been going OK on my road to metal wellness. Tiny steps and little achievements here and there. Little foundations I hope to build my platform from. Time though is no longer on my side and with that brings a pressure which is detrimental to the whole process but I try to push those things to the back of my mind and focus on the immediate path ahead.

Lastly I just wanted to add a point about this blog and its lack of updates of late. I have been keeping a separate daily blog on my progress of late in the hope of using it one day as reflection for myself and hopefully even as help for others who find themselves where I am now. This though has caused me to neglect my updates here and in my muddled head has me trying to remember what I wrote and where. So I have binned that for a bit and will concentrate here and as a result hopefully update more often.

Finding positives

Some little progress over the past couple of weeks. Little things, better than no things. I'm glad a keep a note of things. My memory is terrible these days. An anxious mind is always full and always more incoming so recent thoughts and memories get thrown out pretty quickly. Its still a constant battle with fatigue as well as panic but managing to push myself out a little further. Over a month now of getting beyond half way to the school. Not any further yet and truth be told its still a battle getting just to that point, a battle I am only winning once or twice a week. So still a lot of work to do but have to remember there a time not so long ago when I struggled to get halfway to where I am now.

Sore aching body. Shaky. Not an ounce of energy. Feels like the flu but only in those regards. Some little bug bothering me at the moment but from what my wife says, who's job is customer facing, there are a lot of bugs going around at the moment. Not the flu though as I have not cold feeling and am ravenous. Some little bug running through my system so finding it more difficult than normal to push myself out. Fatigue and anxiety, one feeding off the other.

The little positives. Nothing by anyone else's standards but positives for me. Been into the supermarket a few times. Even bought things at the kiosk- not ready for the checkouts yet. Also took my oldest daughter and her friend into their club and stayed for 5 minutes which was a big thing. Really drained me though more than I realised and when I went to pick them up 90 minutes later it was panic after panic with the fatigue. Really not good at all. But I was back in their the following day with my wife and boy. They run a cafe and this time I went right inside and waited while my wife ordered a couple of cold filled rolls to take away for lunch. Also a few times have been into my wife's work again and stayed a few minutes.

All small things which sound irrelevant to most but for me worth noting. Steps in the right direction. Its a race against time to try to get some sort of normality before ATOS come calling. And they will come calling. Its just a question of when. It hangs over me. Could be 6 months away, could be 6 hours away. They will come.

The car is back on the road- for now. Not been in it yet but that is the next step. Its just a pity its this time of year where long journeys will become problematic if there are adverse weather conditions. Small journeys to begin with will do. I usually find when I spend a spell in the car it improves my walks too. I think the small world in my head is mapped differently when I am not going far and things seem further away that they really are so traveling around helps bring perspective. That is the next step.

Time passes

I'll be honest and say I am finding it harder and harder to blog. There is a simple reason for that. I wrote my first blog post 4 years ago, 5 years if you include the first year I deleted. And from that day nothing has changed. Basically my world is small, very small. I see no one and when I do it is for too short a period of time. My boundaries are so restrictive that I go nowhere and do nothing new. So there is only so much you can say in 4 years, only so much you can recycle. I am past saturation level. I hope for something new to say and try to do new things but nothing changes.

I live in the hope though that it will change and keep trying for that change.

A strange thing concerns my photography. Logically summer would have been the best time to get out and about with my new camera- one that I am still trying to get to grips with. But this has been the wettest summer I can remember. Not the weather for a non-waterproof camera. Colder times lie ahead and with that drier times and darker nights and that is when I will get out more and take more photographs I feel. Hopefully by then I'll be more comfortable with my camera. Its not like the little compact that I can just carry around in my pocket so I have thus far been reluctant to take it out when it has been dry. Also hoping to save for a new lens which will not only allow me to take the kind of photos I want to take but is also smaller so may be able to fit in my coat pocket.

Another factor in not getting out far is the lack of a car. What a palava that has been. One mechanic is very lucky I am agoraphobic or might well have his neck wringed. We are still without a car and I know nothing about cars but was starting to suspect a mechanic was extracting the urine. Our usual mechanic died last year and since then we have been struggling to find a reliable one- really its a new car we need but that is not possible. Anyway my wife found a guy to look at the car because the breaks were squealing and the steering wheel shaking when she braked. He said was the back brakes and charged her £150 to fix them. But when she got the car back it was still doing it so back again and this time he said it was the front brakes and wanted another £150. I said there was no point and we might as well scrap the thing as its so old now its just going to bleed us dry. We would be better cutting our losses and then if she had to go far she could hire a car for however long. But she was determined and as the MOT she got a price for the brakes, MOT and whatever else needed done- £350.

It gets complicated from there. Basically he then changed to £450 when we were due the car back and then £600. Money we don't have. And money which added to the brakes before it would have got us a run around with a MOT and road tax. He was at it. A crook. He got the original amount but the car is still not MOTed and the work he has done does not even cover the expense so I am raging and its one of the few times I was really going to try to push through the panic and agoraphobia to see him and let him know what I think. Instead I was left feeling angry, hopeless and bitter.

Any way we hope to have the car back soon if all goes well from a recommended mechanic- something I asked my wife to do before all this stuff. Hopefully in the coming weeks I can get out driving again. The good thing about being in the car is it allows me to work solely with the mental side of things. With the walks I have the physical fatigue as well as the panic so its a lot harder to deal with. With the CBT I am doing I am hoping if we can get out places and try to stay there for a bit using what I am learning I can maybe start to improve and then longer term start to work on physical side. The last time I spoke to the therapist who has experienced the same thing he said that he managed to get on top of the panic and anxiety first and it was only then that he could start to work on the fatigue and also that it did take time but getting on top of the anxiety first definitely helped. So that is the route I will try to follow. All I need now is the car.

So in the meantime I will just continue with the walks and trying to learn how to use my camera indoors with some still life and the like. I will keep doing the CBT and hopefully soon some mindfulness too which helped with the drives 3 years ago. Maybe, you never know, in the doing there will be a story or two to crop up worth talking about and a photo or three worth posting.

New addition

Mmm...another cat. Not so much a new addition but a re-addition. Oh and we do still have that cat who came for a temporary stay with fleas that cost us a fortune to get rid of. Its abandoned now. The owner never in contact again like she promised. This on was actually my wife's cat. She met her her sister lived with it but this cat and another belonged to my wife. They stayed with us until the birth of our second child in 2005 when her sister took, one died recently and the other has made its way back to us after a 7 year absence. Here it is peaking out under the couch. Not a bad idea- might employ it myself the next time we have visitors. She has taken refuge under there. On this occasion the other cat, who she just hisses at all the time, made the mistake of trying to get under there during a mental frenzy of darting about the home and she came out with claws bared. I guess I can relate to that- next time we have visitors...

Not much to post about to be honest. The one thing I dread about the kids starting a new term after the summer holidays, apart from adjusting to the new routine, is that there is always some kind of bug they bring home in the first few weeks. And this time is no different. The girls have been fine but the wife, boy and I have had the cold, the dreaded lurgy. One of the mothers was telling me her family had it too over the weekend. That's the way it is. Bloody bugs. So that has kept my anxious mind plenty occupied for the last week. Still though I have been pushing myself out on my walks. It has affected my single walks greatly but what I can't make up in quality I have been compensating for in quantity and managed to notch up over 10 miles for the week. That is 5 weeks in a row which I have never done before. I have been approaching my walks in a different way this year and its certainly working so far. I just need to now try to change the way I think before, during and after I go out for a walk which I feel is the main thing holding me back and possibly even the cause of fatigue I get with them.

All going well though at the moment and however small the steps they are at least in the right direction. That is fine with me. If I can get there I will be over the moon. If it takes years to do I don't care. I'd prefer it tomorrow but I never have been patient. If I can get there that will do.

Pushing on

Apologies for the photo above. My wife has had the point and shoot more than be lately and it would appear the lens needs a clean. Possibly. Or the lens is starting to go.

Anyway, this is the road school. Its past halfway. I am past halfway. Point 6 I have passed on my 10 point graduated exposure. The first turn to the left after the 4 trees on that side is as far as I can get but further than I have been for a long time. At the end of this road lies the school and nursery. Not right at the end of it unfortunately but points 7 and 8 on my graduated exposure lie on that road before it ends so I am getting closer than I ever have before.

In fact I am getting out longer and going further in general. At the start of the year I was struggling to walk 2 miles a week between the agoraphobia and fatigue. In the past 3 months I have been maintaining 8 miles a week and this week if I stay on schedule it will be my 4th week in a row of over 10 miles. All this and the number of walks has actually dropped as I employ my new strategy of pushing every walk as far as I can and staying out as long as I can. Not without problems of course. I have had so many crashes. Agitated fatigue and regret after passing the point of no return.

But also not to forget little victories. Things that mean nothing to anyone else. Going to into the shops and buying something. Going into my wife's work and sitting waiting 10 minutes for her. Little achievements. Little steps in the right direction.

And today a glimpse of what needs to be done and a little more acceptance that it needs effort and patience to do it. Mindfully. Reaction is the problem. Being mindful and not reacting or reacting less. Detachment from the fear cycle. Separation from constant worry and anxiety to the pure self that lurks beneath. The anxious mind is so fused now with the self that it is welded on. It is going to take time to pull them apart. I see that.

So anyway not going backwards at least and hopefully however small the steps they are in the right direction. Little things I must not forget and must hold on to in prolonged periods of negativity. Getting out of the head and into the world. So many separate parts but if I can work on every little one and keep clicking them into place then somewhere along the road the jigsaw may make sense.

Genes

A brief description of present conditions as found on examination:

A nervous man, who today suffers from inflammation...

Disease from which you consider this man is suffering.

Muscular Rheumatism

Dated 1945. My grandfather. This document sits in his seaman's pouch at the National Archives in Kew from his time during the second war in the Merchant Navy. To be honest I cannot read the paragraph properly but think its something to do with problems in places like the shoulder and ankle leading the the conclusion that he had muscular rheumatism. But I can see clearly "A nervous man".

He never struck me as a nervous man but it got me thinking- is that what I have inherited through my genes. My dad doesn't strike me as a nervous man but has all his life been plagued with a stutter which I assume is nervousness based. Maybe not.

But then my grandfather had good reason to be nervous. He's been bombed three times on various ships during the war. This episode here was after being picked up bobbing about in the cold sea. From what I have been told he was in a bad way for a long time after. So every reason to be nervous at that point in his life.

I am aware now, looking back, of a nervousness all through my life. I wasn't aware of it at the time. And seeing that now makes me think it was a ticking bomb just waiting to be ignited by a certain amount of stress. In fact I see it was triggered 2 decades ago but over time eased before this latest episode.

And an episode is all it is. A long episode don't get me wrong. But an episode no less. That will not last forever. Some time in future I will be better and free of this. It will happen naturally but in the meantime I will keep working to speed things along.