Second Visit

I was in such a panic that even my wife started to fidget and look a little distressed next to me. Tried notto  let her catch my eye as I felt the words that would come would see me cave in entirely. But in truth I was already there. Already at the point of shouting at this lady to get out who had done nothing wrong. For around 5 minutes the CPN talked on and I heard not a word but kept muttering acknowledgements as if I was listening but I'd allowed the panic to go too far and I just couldn't take it any more. I couldn't see a way out and I was really surprised that she didn't see something was wrong- or maybe she did but didn't want to let on. They say as much as you think you will cause a scene you won't. It irks me that it proved true today but I was so close to it because I could see no other way out and if the CPN were not go then I would have. Yes it passed but Christ it was bad and I have no will to feel like that. An hour later my wife enquired and then said she could see my leg shaking. That wasn't all that was shaking. My neck was shaking so much that I was having trouble lifting my head up and the tension in my face and head was causing vibrations there too. Yucky.

Things didn't go well from the off. For a start the CPN was 45 minutes late, arrived in a car outside and then called up to say that she knew it was early but could she come up at that point. So I told her she was in fact late and after checking her diary she saw here mistake. Fair enough mistakes happen and its not as if I was going anywhere. What was most disappointing for my wife though was the medication. My wife actually called the medical centre yesterday expecting to pick up a prescription for some happy pills, or to her magic pills, only to be told there was nothing there. And on questioning today the CPN admitted she was yet to talk to the psychiatrist in charge about that.

Not all bad though. I'll be honest and say that what is on offer is what I expected but much better presented this time around and more accurate too. Years ago the CPN I had gave me a relaxation, progressive muscle relaxation and visualisation CD which she told me to listen to, spent 5 minutes relaying post-it notes from a colleague on the crappy multiple choices I had to do that had nothing to do with anxiety and then spent the rest of the hour telling me about her weekend. This time I got the Relaxation and PMR cds with a full explanation on why I need to use them, how they will benefit me and also informed that it takes time and practice before I will see any benefits- last time I used them for a couple of days and gave up. Not only that but she took me through them with a demonstration where she got me to do some PMR and abdominal breathing and I have to say in that moment at least it did relax me and I had very little anxiety thereafter- should have maybe said something before I panicked.

She spent an hour going through things and stopping to make sure I understood what she was saying and also probing for questioning. She explained things very well and does seem to know what she is talking about. A lot of the stuff I already knew but for my wife who knows very little about anxiety it was informative. So apart from a few niggles and a panic attack not too bad.

Next session in two weeks is about preparing to tackle going out and will be based on the many forms I have to work through. The session after that will be about setting out to try some goals and see how I get on but she did say its not about pushing yourself beyond what I think will be ultimately detrimental. That I can understand. I learned that lesson the hard way in the past many times but still prone to the odd lapse through frustration.

As much as there are positives I'm glad the next session is two weeks away. I'm not sure why I am finding these so hard. Over the last year I have been coping much better with people visiting. The norm has been a difficult first 10 minutes and then fine after. But these visits have been hard going and I dare say it will effect all other visits now. But I'll give this stuff a try. I do need something to relax me because I've had trouble with tension this week which was mainly in the shoulders but had progressed to other areas- tired bleary eyes being the most irritating. My wife is also going to give me a shoulder massage which today she was happy about as I said it would have no effect on the tension and the CPN sided with her. So maybe with 2 weeks of winding the body down I might handle the next visit better. Have to wait and see.

Feeling childish

I don't know whether it was me who influenced my wife, or she me or its just a symptom of having one window looking out on the world- there are two at the back but a car park, industrial estate and other homes is not for sightseeing. Whatever it was that led us there we both have a tendency when we get up from where we are sitting to move towards the window and look out and sometimes even linger there. In some ways its for a bit of a moan. To look for something not right and complain about it.

Last night for example the wife was hovering about the window and commented on yet another shopping trolley dumped across the road. Old hat. Didn't even raise an eyebrow. But still she stayed there. Not enough to make me curious but while I was distracted elsewhere I was aware of it. Then she told me it wasn't the normal kind of trolley but one for seating an adult. Mmm...it didn't compute.

In times passed I've pushed a trolley the supermarket with one of the kids seated facing me behind the handle. Its a common thing. But an adult? Surely not. I had visions of me in better days ahead choosing ingredients from the aisles for making a large meal and having to move around my wife sitting happy in a seat to put them in a trolley. Most bizarre. So we started a debate with her adamant it was for adults and me likewise it was not.

The image above makes it clear. It was taken today in daylight. When I finally rose to look out it was very dark and besides that I don't have great eyesight in low light. So I took some photos to see if I could get a better view and while I did this some guy walked up and pushed the trolley around the side of the building opposite. I couldn't tell. It would have to wait until morning.

Then my wife set me a challenge. I could go down and photograph it. Nah, no thanks. Mad men and women roaming the streets wouldn't take kindly to some pyjama glad moron with a camera taking photos of a shopping trolley. So I countered: Only if she sat in it to prove it would take an adult. Expecting her to fold I was surprised to find she accepted. Both of us were not for backing down so as soon as the kids were asleep we agreed to venture out.

We were like children. Something so simple yet we felt like we were being naughty and doing something we ought not to be doing. But we did it. At one point a neighbour appeared from their door and my wife resorted to pretending she was looking for the cat. Much to her surprise while doing this she found him. I know its a nothing but it was strangely liberating. In case you were worried about the kids we only have one door and were standing outside it. But it was like a bit of freedom and a little nostalgic and a little bit of giggling like times past. And here is the result.

The Escape Plan

Awake at just before seven and up at 7:40 after admitting to myself that going back to sleep was an impossibility giving up my day for a lie in. That is a very unusual time for me during these holidays but things on my mind as you know. So I got up and got out some books to distract myself. Some time to myself at least. Ten minutes later the youngest girl was on my lap and five after that the boy was on there too with not much reading getting done. So all I could do was keep looking at the clock and countdown the time until the head doc arrived.
It made for a long morning which was very much rough seas. Sometimes I was panicking badly and at other times completely relaxed. The latter was a very unusual sensation, most strange because it is something new to me in this situation of anticipatory anxiety. Its not one I get. Yet there it was and each time it happened, for about 15-20 minutes at a time, I thought I'd found solace at last. Then I would be shooting back up again quickly. But as the time got nearer that calm place never returned and instead it was a constant level of high anxiety which had all the panic symptoms boiling up within me.

My wife was on a mad house cleaning frenzy and I ended up having a fall out with her. I didn't mean it. It was just so bad that I told her if it persisted I wasn't letting the doc in to which she angrily replied that it was for that reason he was coming. Arse to that, I said and should have left it there but for some reason I felt the need to tell her that it was not a suggestion but what I was going to do regardless of what she thought. There you go, I'd stamped my authority on the situation but as you can imagine it wasn't a positive move. Unreasonable? Yes. But in that moment I felt I was going through all that stuff I didn't want just to please her and would not be doing any further jumping through hoops. I know that sounds bad, well it does to me typing it, but that is just the way it was at the time. My resentment at having to do something I didn't want to do had found its bounderies.

A couple of minutes after the specified time the phone rang and there was a mobile number on caller ID. Bingo, he couldn't make it. Instead I found a lady on the other end who was a CPN and she was sitting in her car in the street looking for my home. So I went out and she appeared with a younger girl who was either a student or a trainee or something else I'm not quite sure as my mind was elsewhere. The thought of having someone else there to gawp at my impending panic attack did much to aggrevate me but I let them in, we sat down, my wife too and the CPN said it would take no more than 45 minutes. That was the point when high anxiety turned to panic. In my mind I couldn't take another 5 minutes of this but 45 minutes was not on. And I was about to say so and explain that I just couldn't and maybe even do as I said and show them the door if they didn't comply but the lady started to talking and I started listening. It was a real see-saw from then on of mentally standing at the open door pointing out and sitting back down on the couch again clawing at my neck and sipping on a glass of water. In the end though I stuck it out for well over an hour.

My past experience has been that the apprehension is the worst and 10-15 minutes into a visit of any kind the anxiety starts to ease. It didn't this time though. It took that 45 minutes before I started to feel the edge come off but even then I was still like a bad of jumping beans. It was mainly information gathering and from what I could gather near the end unknown to me it was also to decide whether I would be helped or not. But I will be helped and while I still reserve judgement I have to be honest and say that this lady filled me with more confidence than the previous people I have dealt with. She looked interested. She had a great manner about her which was compassionate one minute and then harder the next without being pushy. And to me she seemed honest, genuine and someone who will at least try to help- also someone who believes she can help. That is all I can ask for. That already is a complete differene to my previous mental care visitors. If I needed any proof of that it was how happy my wife was after as she has always only every been disappointed in the past. She said she sees a light at the end of the tunnel. Me? I feel like its sink or swim time.

So what is in store? Well I am not too sure exactly. Some of what she would like to do is subject to cutbacks- those government sods are in my face at every turn with their big pair of financial scissors. Oh and I hear they are now sending the hounds out after my types so I better develop a limp to make it look convincing. Sorry off on a tangent there, tale for another day. Back to the CPN. Ideally what she would like to do is have 6 sessions where she wants to prepare me to get out and challenge, or deal with, panic. And if she feels I am in a position to do that she would like to pass me on to someone who would then come out with me and help me to the next step but that is the part that might not happen because of the cutbacks.
She was very good at confidence building but would also balance that out with telling me that it would be a lot of hard work and it would not be easy. Also she was open to ideas and said that if I wanted to discuss anything or try anything from my growing library then we could look at that rather than it just all being about her own philosophy. Also to my wife's delight and not so much to my own as you will know from past posts she asked me what I thought of "this ridiculous situation with medication". Meaning why had medication never even been on the menu in the past after all this time. On this I was specific in that I still am not sure about medication but if I was to take any I didn't want it to be an ongoing thing and would prefer that it was something to take when I needed. That one is being left with the Psychiatrist in charge of my case.

So at the tail end of next week I have my first proper session which I am not thinking about now and know I will yet again be dreading as she said it should last about an hour. OK I got through it today but it wasn't a nice experience. In fact all in its not been good since the weekend and today's hour was just the peak of it. Its going to be difficult again and I'm going to have the apprehension again but I only hope it might be easier now that there is no uncertainty. But I will also counter that with something else. After it I felt great and had a couple of walks with the kids which is what seems to always happen when I get something I dread over with. And on that visit she will also leave me material to work with which she expects me to do in between then and the visit after which is fair enough. So I've started and I'll see where it takes me. I am ever the pessimist and will remain so but on the positive side this CPN was much better than what I was expecting. And she left me with the impression that she can help me formulate my escape plan from this prison where I have become institutionalised.

Wallowing

I write from a dark place, nothing new there then, but one that is at least brighter than yesterday. Its been a while since I became a gibbering wreck over night, so long ago I cannot recall when. Yesterday though it felt like I had spent the night in a tumble dryer. It was just not good. I was left wondering whether I was ill or this was just a culmination of all the anxiety lately manifesting as an exhausted state. I never can differentiate and even if I could I wouldn't be able to convince myself either way. It is a prolonged state of doubt which in turn leads to more anxiety. But yesterday was just yucky poo. I felt so weak and could not stop shaking. It was turning the handle on the old panic machine which nowadays doesn't take long to get started. I felt floored. I was sure it was something viral because I haven't felt so bad in god knows how long. Even now I still cannot convince myself its "just anxiety". There is nothing worse that the torment inside because there is nowhere to run and it was that which was sending me most into a high state of agitation which I was struggling to cope with- really mentally struggling.

In two days the head doc is coming for his little chat and I have been keeping that date as far in the back of my mind as I possibly can because I could well do without the apprehension. Its bad enough having family around but a stranger is worse. Not only that though but I forgot about something and was reminded of it during the week. Where I have been papering over all the cracks to protect my sanity he is going to walk in and rip them all off with glee and watch me drown in my own mania. I think I was a fool to agree to this in the first place but there is no backing out now.

What prompted the acknowledgement was my dear sis-in-law who came to visit for a couple of hours during the week. I now see this is the point where things started to fall in on themselves. She suffered from panic herself, got medicated and then via CBT because she had to come off meds she got over it. I say got over it which isn't true. She still gets them and like dear old Dr Weekes once said they no longer matter. They no longer stop her doing things and she deals with them. She does have the first hand experience and lately as part of her career choice she has been doing courses in teaching CBT and the like. I haven't seen her in a while and all was well until the interrogation started. Oh no. It was out of the blue and not what I expected at all. Interrogation is probably a bit strong as that was not the purpose but instead a caring chat with the hope of some advice. To be fair she did stop when she noticed I was getting very anxious but it was already past the point of no return. I would have stopped her myself but its been so long since I talked to someone face to face about the anxiety that I didn't see it being a problem. But it was. And it was all because of one simple statement that another big crack appeared. She asked what I do to relax and I replied that I never can relax, I try but can't. She looked concerned and then: if you keep going in a high state of anxiety you will end up ill.

That is a fair comment. Anyone rational would heed the warning. But not me. Oh no my little anxious mind rubbed its hands and got all the implements of torture laid out on the table ready to be used. It told me that I have been in this state for almost 4 years so I must already be ill and then like a self fulfilling prophecy a few days later I find that I am ill. All because of one little sentence and my own ability to mentally whip myself. This state is not something new to me. I have had a constant generally high level of anxiety for a long time now and it got my mind thinking of the conseqences of that.

It wasn't all bad either. There were some good things to come out of it which I will talk about in another post. Some realisations seen with a different viewpoint. But as most will know the one bad negative is the one the mind holds on to and won't let go of until it has wrung every little bit of courage dry. Until that one sentance I was actually enjoying the outlet and the observations.

So crap weekend but as I say better today. For one thing I have been wanting to make this post since around Thursday which was meant to be solely about that convesation but I've found it too hard to do. I mean I was shaking so much yesterday that I found it difficult type and harder to concentrate. The sensations are all still there but either they are less intense or I am starting to get on top of it. Though in saying that being the pessimist that I am I can't find the inner strength to say the worst as past, even though it probably has, as that is usually when it slaps you back in the face. And what also helped today was the sky was blue and for once we were able to sit outside for a few hours which was good for the soul. As you can imagine though the visit on Tuesday has now taken on new meaning and the apprehension is beginning to build. Just have to keep pushing it from my mind and hope when the time comes it passes quickly.

I've been reading a lot this past week. In fact I have 4 books on the go at once at the moment of varying themes. I have some ideas and today at least they seemed to help with the coping part at least. I think sometimes you just have to grin and bare it. This is one of those times. This little episode is probably down to tension from anxiety whacking my body into that exhausted state where its hard to stop the trembling. Can't work out if its that or maybe an overdose of adrenalin. Whatever it is it is most likely anxiety related.

But I don't want this to sound hard on my sis-in-law. She was just trying to help and there are a lot of people around about me who do care enough to want to help. That is intentionally a good thing but sometimes a little counter productive in practice unfortunately. Seven days from now the kids will be going back to school an the head doc will have come and gone. Brighter days ahead and time enough for plans to be put in motion.

Out of sync

Yesterday I went back to Deepak Chopra's "Synchrodestiny" which I never actually stopped reading intentionally- I did blog about this before some time last year or there abouts. One day it just wasn't there and had vanished like all the other things in this small abode. Shortly before my wife left last week she gutted out some drawers and little cupboards in the kitchen and rediscovered the book- among some other things. So with not a lot else to do I started reading over from the begining again. Its quite a fascinating read but then I am not much read on such things so there is a lot that fascinates me.

"We discover that by applying attention and intention to these coincidences, we can create specific outcomes in our lives. We connect with everyone and everything in the universe, and recognise the spirit that unites us all. We unveil the wonderousness that is hidden deep inside us and revel in our newfound glory, We consciously shape our destinies into the limitlessly creative expressions they were meant to be, and by doing so we live out our most profound dreams, moving closer to enlightenment. This is the miracle of synchrodestiny."

Its actually the second sentence I want to talk about even though the rest is much more interesting and worth talking about. All that being part of the universe and connecting with everyone else. That is something I find hard. And nor is it the first time it has cropped up. In the ACT book, Pema Chodron and other things it comes down to at time this being at one with the universe and every other being. I didn't see the point and I think maybe this is something that I have to look at. There is a problem. I cannot do it nor really do I want to do it. Why? Well I think I have become out of sync with the world.

"Picture a school of fish swimming in one direction, and then in a flash , all the fish change direction. There is no leader giving directions. It all happens simultaneously. This synchrony is choreographed by a great, pervasive intelligence that lies at the heart of nature, and is manifest in each of us through what we call the soul."

Put like that I do get it but I still have a problem with it and maybe that problem is my problem- I don't know. I used to stand at the window on a lot of winter's evenings for a while watching the birds flock back and forth. It was captivating to me. The more I got lost in it the more it seemed less of a sequence of events and more like a natural visual pulse. It was like a celestial heart where at each point of the turn the form would contract and as the birds set off in the new direction the form would expand. Amazing really, nature is amazing.

So I am wondering if I am out of sync. Were I a bird would I be shooting off to the left while everyone else was heading to the right? Would I struggle to get in time and into sync with the rest of my brethren. Its not unlike now. When I go out the door the world to me is not a place I feel I can fit into. You know just march in and slot right into place at the same step but instead hope from foot to foot trying fruitlessly to get in rhythm. A bit liketrying to fit a square in a circlular hole. There is friction and much resistance as if I am re-entering the atmosphere and will burn up well before the point of safety.

The trouble is everywhere I seem to look I am being told the way forward is to bond with the people around me and the world at large. The conflict comes because I don't want to, I don't feel I need to. What I am not sure though is whether I am right to stick to what feels right to me or do something that feels instinctively plastic because it is what needs to be done. It has made me have a real think about whether I am being unreasonable or whether instead this is a further realisation that I just don't belong out there.

"Fearfulness and anxiety fall away as we stand in wonder observing the world as it unfolds."

Then again maybe I am taking things too literally as I have a tendency to do. It might well be that it is more about dealing with negativity within yourself than how it effects others. It could be its more to do with finding something inside that resonates rather than reaching out and sharing compassion with all those other faceless lost souls. I don't know, I really don't. One thing I do know is though that I prefer watching the flocks of birds as opposed to being part of it. I could watch it for hours if it were ever to last that long. The peace for me is in the observing rather than in the participation and quite possibly that is how it will always be if I want to remain true to myself.