304 Chewed

 

" Chewed "

Once can happen. Twice is probably preventable. Three times shows a lack of care. I am referring to the chewing of bank cards which is becoming a fairly common occurrence nowadays. The first one was my daughter who left her handbag on the floor and the dog was away with the card- still she leaves the bag there. Second time was daughter again but this time from a jacket she had not hung up. Likewise my wife dumped her jacket on the bed and he was away with a 3rd card. I despair.

We are OK though because we have a joint account so I just gave my wife my card while we wait for a replacement. It got me wondering though what a person would do who lives alone. Usually it's 5 working days for a replacement to arrive so how does a person survive in this new cashless society? I don't know if there are alternative ways of getting by in the meantime but if they are via the bank then that is all the harder given most branches are shut outwith cities. It makes me wonder whether people should be given 2 cards as standard or maybe even have 2 accounts running side by side. 

Blue envelope

  

The blue envelope finally arrived last week and with it a sense of dread. It shouldn't be that way but it is. I knew an appointment would arrive for the COVID19 Vaccination and knew it would probably give me mental battles which it has. First jag of two. I have no problem with a jag. I'm not scared of needles. And given what I know COVID19 can do to people I want to be vaccinated. But like so many things in my life what I want is not as easy as just taking. The problem here is that the appointment will be too far away and in a building which will cause me panic. I just cannot do it.

Some would right point out that were I to become ill and be hospitalised it would be way worse than the panic of getting the jab. I understand that. It makes sense when you do not have to go through the panic yourself. I just can't do it. This would not be me being fine until stepping in a building. This would be me rolled up in panic just getting there and ultimately turning back for sure. It is that horrible an experience to endure. I just can't do it. Neither option removes the dread. For now that envelope will remain unopened. 

I am not a stupid person. I am being offered a vaccine against a killer virus. Why would I not take up the offer? That is how bad this anxiety can be. That is how bad it is at the moment. A couple of years ago I would have had it done without any problem. Its bad timing. I have since learned that the appointment can be re-arranged to a different place but the 3 which are offered are still too far away. I need to try to keep myself far from it until I can get on top of my anxiety problems once again. 

303 Defiant

 

" Defiant "

"No", just 2 letters making a tiny word. But a strong word. Negative. Defiant. I'll keep the one short because my blood is still boiling. My wife was out early today to work so I got the kids up, fed and out the door. Or at least that was the plan. The girl would not get up. Finally I yelled at her to get up and that was the reply. What do you mean? I am not going, was the last response.

What to do? I was in that moment of blind rage on the verge of doing something I knew I would later regret. No respect. Not an ounce of it. Do I drag her out on to the street screaming? What would that do? I realised I could do nothing except simmer and I am still simmering. At best it's disappointing because it's like deja vu having gone through this 2 years ago with her sister. The school on both occasions bended over backwards for them but in the end there is no effort and no respect.

I could go deeper into the complexities of it but won't. Its a thing I would not have gotten away with but it was simpler back them. Nowadays everything is a minefield. A bit of discipline is also a negative on a child's mental health. It's hard to find that balance and impossible, it seems, to make them see its actually for their own benefit. No one said it was going to be easy... 

302 Happy Monday

 

" Happy Monday "

Today has been dubbed "Happy Monday" here in Scotland owing to the re-opening of the hospitality sector. And in true Scottish style the weather decided to rain on that parade. I'd imagine many eager beavers have filled Facebook with faux smiles in rain soaked wind swept beer gardens. They've been planning it for months and those social media images won't snap themselves.

Maybe not so happy then this Monday for the paying customer but those financial transactions will at least breathe some life into a sector severely hit by the pandemic. Given how hard they have tried from beginning to end to keep their pubs and restaurants afloat I do hope longer term they will be fine. That said a lot of establishments did not open today and never will again. Many workers will never return to those jobs again. It's hit so many so hard.

I'm these times and in the face of the hardships these people have experienced it leaves an even more bitter taste in the mouth learning of the proposed creation of the European Super League. 12 football teams already fat on riches are intent on feeding their faces further with an elite tournament which slaps the face of the supporters who are the foundation of their existence. Thankfully the backlash will batter them down to size again but the very thought is just disgusting but maybe not surprising. 

301 Guard dog

 

" Guard dog "

Today was a bit of a change for all of us including the dog. Prior to Lockdown we didn't get a lot of visitors but obviously through it we have had no one at all. Today my wife let the oldest have her boyfriend around. I will say I was against it but what does my opinion matter any more? I left them to it. That's all I'll say. But there was a problem. The dog has basically never had anyone come in. That was a concern.

We knew mostly what to expect. Of course there would be barking. Would there be biting though? That has always been our concern. We considered the muzzle but decided instead just to keep a hold of him when the boy was in the vicinity. It turned out better than expected. Dog went bananas but also over time got close without a muzzle and there was no biting- thankfully. Still I could not settle but its a start at least. Its trying to balance giving the dog exposure and not too much that he might be frightened enough to react. That has to start somewhere and so hopefully this is it.

One note. The pic above is not my dog but the one I used to look after. The image seemed more apt than any I could take. 

300 Always walks

 

" Always walks "

A short post today as not a lot happening except for my first walk in a while. All I seem to talk about is walks, always walks. It was good to get out alone and have a wander but not much in the way of providing content. It was a good walk though and as it turned out much needed. It wasn't until I was out that I realised I really needed that fresh air and stretch of legs. It started with a struggle but once I got through the bump I felt I could enjoy the walk more freely. I just wish I could put all that into words. 

299 Reanimated

 

" Reanimated "

I have to be honest and say that the first time I saw it I thought it was brilliant and incredibly clever. I can't remember which genealogy site it was I first saw the service but since I think many others have followed very quickly. That service is the reanimation of old photos. Long lost souls brought back to life via a still image. You could take on old black and white or colour photo like the one above and from it the face would start to move and look about like Frankenstein had just pulled the leaver. It is very clever. But it is also creepy. It is not the person and not even a true representation of that person. For example in the extreme I knew a guy when I was younger who used to frequently blink. We all have different mannerisms. It's very much fake. That one is an ancestor of mine who moved from Scotland to New York where he opened his own iron works. 

The technology is amazing for sure. Recently I've seen some videos of brilliant cgi representations of dead people bettered by deep fake videos, bettered because it looks more natural. And that is what they are deep Fake not reanimation. The digital age has brought fantastic progress in photography and video but with it dangers too. These fakes are getting so real that it can cause massive problems for people in the wrong hands. I don't need to spell that out in this age of social media.

Lines are blurring. I looked to restore an old photo as I used to do in photoshop by hand painstakingly. These are not real either. They are though more real than some of the apps I found today which use AI to restore photos at the touch of a button. Looking closely its worrying because I took an old faded photo which was water damaged and it restored the face perfectly. But they were not her eyes they were someone else's. It was not her mouth. The AI matched the ruined part with the closest match and replaced it. It's not real and not a true representation. But it's quick and it's clever so people will accept it. In these modern times when everything seems too much of an effort it's a better option for most but it's not real. Blurred lines get blurrier.

Explosion

  

I should say first that something happened, it game me a scare but I was completely fine. I am not naturally melodramatic but I do think since my anxiety problems started I am prone to scaring more easily than I used to. Anxiety attaches to everything. 

A moment which felt like forever but was only a second at most. An instance of fear and a narrative constructed to match it. An explosion. I stood motionless with terror for that tiny eternity fearing the worse. I had been making the boy a burger for lunch and as always at the end toasted the bun and burger in the oven. The timer pinged, I opened the oven door and there was an explosion. Loud and with force. I saw the sections of burger fly out and I felt wetness on my legs. That was what brought the terror. Wetness. Blood? I did not want to look. A hundred different images from the big screen filled my head of what I would see- torn trousers ripped apart, wounds and more. If I didn't look I was OK but I had to look and did I see what I feared? 

No. As it turns out it was not blood but Pepsi Cola that saturated my bottom half. Honestly my heart was racing so much. The girls have lately been getting up during the night and helping themselves to juice. Fizzy juice that is. Loads of diluting there but they only crave the fizzy stuff. The memory came to me of my wife saying she was hiding the big bottle of Pepsi in the oven before bed. Why the oven of all places? My plan was to move it somewhere else but I forgot then and it had long gone from memory today when I turned the oven on. No harm done in the end except a ruined lunch and a half hour for me cleaning up and scrubbing the oven. I despair sometimes. 

297 Lockdown hair

 

" Lockdown hair"

Its safe to say I need a haircut. It's long overdue and completely unnecessary for my hair to be so long given I don't need to go out to get it done. I cannot remember the last time it was cut. It has to be prior to the outbreak. Usually my wife will do it and she has attempted a few times. I think though I am getting to an age where I don't know how long I'll gave it so maybe reluctant to trim it. But I will. In the end it gets too annoying not to. Hairs get everywhere.

I will though do it myself no doubt which really annoys my wife. I'm not that fussed. I remember watching an interview with Jools Holland a long time ago and he said he had one haircut a year he grew it for a year and then shaved it all off. That is sort of what I have been doing. And when I shave it myself I don't really care how it looks but my wife insists on tidying up bits I've missed or made a mess of. Mostly that is at the back but as I cannot see that it is not a concern to me. A chopping is nigh. 

296 Ballot papers

 

" Ballot papers "

Today my ballot papers arrived ahead of the Scottish election next Thursday. I'm pleased to be voting even if it is by post. I feel its important for my voice to be heard. I have my constituency vote picked out. Its partly tactical but its also what I would have voted anyway. The list vote is a bit more complicated. Its actually huge. A lot on their including all the usual suspects, some strange ones and the two big names of Salmond and Galloway. My own pick should have been straight forward but I made the mistake of following a number of pages online which should be coming together for the same cause but ultimately seem to be pushing their own cause too far. No surprise but my list vote is probably something I will still be in two minds about next week when I put a cross on the box.

295 Some kinda normal

 

" Some kinda normal "

Today it felt like step 1 in returning to some kind of normal with step 2 due next Monday. Today for the first time in a long while, so long I can't remember when, I was alone at home. The youngest two returned to high school full time, oldest was as work and wife returned to her primary job at the aqua centre. The latter for cleaning duties only ahead of the public being permitted entry in 7 days time.

It feels real this time. It doesn't feel like the schedule back to new normal is going to be halted or reversed. It feels now like a linear process to that end. The number of vaccinations is speeding up like a bullet train and the number of infections is falling. Sadly people are still dying so that still deserved caution. Hopefully in that process to wellness for the nation the mortality rate for covid 19 infections will sit at zero. We can only hope.

Today for me it has been about getting my own house in order. I have my own plan back to wellness and routine. I am confident I can get there again but without the previous dread haunting me I can stay there this time. I am hoping this is my final jab back to my own normality. 

294 Night life

 

" Night life "

Walking down the main street of town it feels a bit like prison break. A lot not far away housing buses and cars has installed some very big floodlights which leave nothing hidden in the dark. It's too bright to look that way and so as I walk I look the other way where I am accompanied by a 29 foot shadow of self marching in time clinging to the walls. Maybe it's just as well. From the dead of night over lock down life has now awoken and it all feels a bit sinister to be honest.

For months I have enjoyed the quiet and safety of the dark night walks. Since Friday or thereabouts it has changed. The gutteral exhaustive coughs of boy racers speeding around town have rippled through the former peace. They backfire and misfire like shotguns in the night sounding louder than in the day. There are voices shouting sometimes in the distance, sometimes near. Drunken figures skull in the dark places. It doesn't feel like it did. I think I'm going to miss lockdown if this is the new normal. 

293 21-21

 

" 21-21 "

With my wife and oldest away the bulk on noise was removed. The younger girl spent most of the day on the laptop and boy playing games with his pals on the PlayStation. I sat down and watched the Duke of Edinburgh's funeral. I didn't think I'd be typing that this time last week.

I found it very poignant. I found it very much more personal than the usual pomp. I felt a connection I don't normally feel. This was a family in mourning. Watching the Queen sitting alone in church with head down praying brought a sadness. 73 years passed and now over. It is very sad that people like myself are only seeing now all the good the Duke done in his life. Only now do I hear the words of love, respect and admiration from all those who's lives he touched. It felt very much like the end of something or the nearing the end of it. 

Hot diggities

 

My anxiety problems are irrational but that doesn't stop it happening. Panic hits hard because it's its out of place. Sometimes though it's not out of place and my panic is just like your panic. The panic isn't the problem in these cases, it's the source.

My wife is away as I said yesterday. I made the kids hot dogs for lunch and served them up. All good. There were some frankfurters left so I decided to cut these up for the dog. As I was doing so I had a couple of bits and realised how hungry I was so with a spare roll I made myself a dog and the other dog still got his fill.

A few minutes later the kids were staring at me trying to stifle their laughter. I was choking, they didn't realise the severity of the situation. It was scary. A bit of roll as it happens was the culprit and would not go down. It was just me and two unaware kids and full blown panic. If the kids had been aware it would not really have made any difference. Anyway all was well in the end obviously or I would not be posting. I don't know though what transpired. It was blind panic and seemed to last forever. Minutes later I was sitting trying to drink from a glass of water but my throat was so muscularly sore that it wasn't great. Its a blank as to how it ended. I went from choking to not choking with no idea what happened to the offending culprit.

It's only the second time it has ever happened to me but strangely also the second time in a year. I've had a few swallowing problems in the past 5 years infrequently but always seemingly around bread or butter. Scary but all good in the end. 

291 Solo

 

" Solo "

Today has been maybe the biggest indicator yet that we are moving quickly out of lock down for good. My wife left today to go up north and help her sisters try to ready her dad's house in anticipation of him getting home. As a result of that today, tomorrow and most of Sunday its just me solo in charge of the kids and dog. It feels strange. My wife tells me it's the first time she has gone up North since November. It will be weird for her going up to an empty house. And it's the first time I have been alone with the kids since January last year when my wife's mum was in her final days. I get anxiety now which I did not get previously. The boy is fine. Everything at home is fine. 

The girls though are at an age where things are rarely fine. They have a freedom now and are at an age to socialise. That last time my wife was up north there was an incident but thankfully my wife came home that night- though she was not scheduled to. These things seem to happen like that. It's got me on edge. The younger girl is in tonight but her sister is out with her boyfriend and meeting up with others. I feel my hands are tied. 99% of the time it's fine but 99% of the time I am not alone. But it is what it is. This is how it always was before covid. I'd just forgot. I need to get used to it again short term and do something about it longer term. 

The Duke

  

Last week the Duke of Edinburgh died at the ripe old age of 99 years old. It's a sad day when anyone dies but may be more poignant when it's all over every TV channel. I have to say first that I had no opinion on the Royal family and to be honest no interest. That lack of opinion works on both sides. As much as I have nothing positive to say I have nothing negative to say either. They are just there and I look no further than that. The only times I can remember any more than that all revolved around Diana. I remember my mum and her sister sitting on the floor crying in front of the TV watching the live coverage of wedding of Charles and Diana. I remember the strange numbness of the day she died. And I remember the strange feeling going through the tunnel in Paris where she died. Other than that nothing.

On the Duke my opinion has been pretty blinkered. My opinion of him has been forged by satirical comedy. I've taken no interest in him but would always hear jokes at his expense as he was generally painted as a blithering old racist and bigot in comedy circles. His gaffes are legendary like asking a driving instructor in Scotland how he kept the locals off the booze long enough to teach them. They were the source of many an email meme in the early days of Internet before social media. How many were true I don't know. 

That was my opinion of him until I watched the BBC documentary about his like today. It made me feel a little small-minded not to have given him more of my time. A war hero, an environmentalist, a champion of the young and a tireless charity worker who worked well beyond retirement age. Not perfect but who is? A life truly well lived. His selflessness really came to mind when I read many negative comments today with the word "parasite" used. Disgusting really. He was from a different generation who was more prone to speak its mind. I don't claim to understand that generation any more than I understand the younger generation today. They are both different from each other and different from my own. Those differences do not detract from all the good he did. I did the Duke of Edinburgh award at school and remember how great it felt to achieve something. I'd actually like to read or watch more now. I'm just sorry I left it so long to find out he was not the man I though he was. 

289 1984

 

"1984"

Sometimes it feels like forces outwith our normal vision appear to be pushing us in a certain direction however vaguely. I feel that at the moment. I've been trying to find the right frame of mind to start reading again when really there is no right state of mind. It's just a time barrier that needs broken down by the act of reading. So what to read?

My wife was saddened to hear of the passing of a you woman who appeared on the Channel 4 show "Big brother" many moons ago. A really tragic loss of life in the most horrible of ways and a reminder of how mentally difficult it is for young women today to deal with what they perceive to be a negative body image. Also the other night my wife and kids were watching "Room 101" which is also a child of 1984. That must have been an old one as Terry Wogan was on it. My wife asks me about how it appears in the book and I had to say I don't know: I've never read it. And that is a shame given I got that and other books for free recently as I think I posted about but then again unsure.

Anyway I was also led 2 weeks ago to an article about the Isle of Jura and how George Orwell used it as a backdrop for the book. He lived there for a time at a farm house names Barnhill and wrote most of his book there. It can be bleak. It's a place I hope to one day visit and on a list of many such places. It's given me an urge to start reading on this first page so today that is what I have done. 

288 Hope for the future

 

" Hope for the future "

I've been finding a lot of old things lately in my search for something else. That is the way it always works for all of us. I probably won't find it. One other day I'll be looking for something else and probably find what I am looking for now. The clutter hides so much. We have so little space and yet so much clutter.

I found this diary. I haven't looked beyond this opening page. I remember it strangely. I remember my then girlfriend taking the notepad I bought to store my thoughts and writing the words above. We'd only been going out 2 years. It was written in a flat in Perth, Scotland 60 miles away from where we are now. I worked there. It was 3 years before we married and had children and lived together. It was a time of hope with everything ahead. And as sometimes happens it never went to plan. I was anxiety free then, single and financial doing well with no ties.

I did think about looking beyond. There was a huge weight of nostalgia just in those few lines. I feared more might be crushing. And so I placed it back where I found it. That hope is no longer hope as I know the outcome. That cannot change. I can though change what comes next and that is my plan. Everything is returning to normal. On Monday the kids go back to school full time and my wife returns to her main job. It feels like the right time to give myself a shake and knuckle down to make a better future. Two decades later the hope is still the same but this time I see what lies ahead. 

287 Scammers

 

" Scammers "

The last two weeks my phone's traffic has increased significantly. In lockdown it has been fairly quiet but for the last fortnight to a month I have started to receive lots more calls from unknown numbers and text messages like the one above. This Royal Mail scam above is only the second one. I've had 4 or 5 from O2 which is not my provider. I started noting down all the unknown mobile numbers this month and there are over 20. That is from none previously. All different. I don't answer any calls that are not in my contact list. Some may be legit but I'd guess at least 75% are not.

It's worrying. I think it's hard to know someone who has not been scammed by virtual thieves or been the victim of an attempt. It's scary how more frequent this is happening as we are forced into a paperless society. It's a crime that needs urgent attention because there is a very real growing mistrust of using these virtual mediums and yet we are running out of choices. We are being forced into. It feels like being made to carry all cash you have down a dark alley where you know predators lie in wait with no protection. It feels like it's too easy for the cyber criminals who do not descriminate who they steal from. They would as soon take from someone who has more money than they can spend as steal the food out a child's mouth. They are faceless and without morals. I do hope counter criminal measures can be stepped up. 

286 Shop front

 

" Shop front "

I've walked by this shop countless times during lock down. I was aware it was closed in the beginning and at one point I was aware it was open. Its been open a while. It just shows how poor my observational skills are that I did not notice until today that although open the shop is basically closed for browsing and instead working more like a burger van. The little kiosk installed at the front means customers stay outside for now. I just wonder how long this will be the norm.

I do find it bizarre. It is right next to Asda which is constantly full of people and not all of them wearing masks. I just don't see the point in one rule for one space and another rule for another joined. Strange. 

284 Fifty Two

 

" Fifty Two "

It was my wife's 52nd birthday today and I'm pleased to say she had a good one considering. The girls went out and came back with a host of goodies which she appreciated. I got her a tablet which she was not expecting. Then a take away at night. It's a big change from this time last year. She wanted nothing and given our perilous finances at the time that is virtually what she got. It was just a few months after her mother's death and she genuinely did not want to celebrate. I'm glad time has moved on a little.

It was her last birthday also having to hear me brag about still being in my 40s. Time moves on for us all. At least this one was enjoyed and hopefully more will too. She received two beautiful bouquets of flowers from two of her sisters too pictured above. A good day. 

Fool's gold

  

At the weekend I went down the park on a mission. I needed a motivator and I had one. There is a local online newspaper which mostly runs on Facebook. It used to be very good but now though it has gone down the road of wanting cash for some articles otherwise they are hidden. It is not so good. I will say its only a couple of pound I think a month and that money does go to charity but I disagree with that line entirely. It gets enough donations as it is. The guy who runs it has had all elements paid for by donations. Why then hide articles from people who cannot afford it as many cannot? Look at how many people are using food banks. And even if you can afford it you may not like making online payments. For certain members of society the process might be too much for them as well. 

Anyway I'll read the free stuff from time to time and the other day I noticed a story about a sinkhole which had opened up in the local park. Not surprising in an old mining town. So I went down the park to take pictures and have a wee look. I got a good walk, more than I planned. On and on I walked about unable to find it, or even evidence of it. Disappointing. When I got back I told my wife and she laughed: that was an April Fool. Typical. I looked again and the article was indeed from the first of the month. It did at least get me out. 

Purpose. It is so important when having to do something repetitively. It can be a mind number just the thought of getting out the door to do the same walks day after day. Tedious. Finding a reason to do them helps. OK the ultimate reason I do them is to get better and also to stop my world shrinking. Sometimes that is not enough of a spark which is where the camera came in handy years ago. Its always good to have purpose. 

283 Runaround

 

" Runaround "

The dog hasn't been getting a runaround laty for a variety of reasons. Chief of these is that generally he doesn't want to go far though its less of a problem with two people- another factor. In fact his reluctance is growing in some ways. The newest manifestation involves me at the bottom of the stairs shouting on him to come down and him standing at the top staring at me. It's frustrating. This is new. No rhyme or reason to it. Psychologically it's a headache.

Anyway we do get him out several times a day but the frequency is down to his reluctance to leave the street. I'd much prefer one big walk a day of a few miles sandwiches between a short morning and evening walk but he is not having it. Its just something we need to accept for now. Today though for once it was me and my wife so he came down the park. It was good to see him running around at speed looking happy. I'm never quite comfortable though. Although it's a long training lead he is basically off it and given he tries to run at trains and vehicles I can never quite settle until I have a hold of him again. Some of the farmers around our way let out fenced areas by the hour so it's something my wife is keen on to do maybe once a week or fortnight depending on costs. 

282 Video scene

 

" Video scene "

The camcorder I bought when my first child was born is now approaching its 18th birthday. I'm not sure what state its in any more as its not how I left it. How I left it a few years ago was in a bag with the charger and a few tapes- sadly not all the tapes. How I found it again when painting a bedroom recently was on its own with no charger or tapes. It worries me that it's all gone. It was the first years of both daughters lives, our first holiday up at Loch Lomand and so many other things. At some point I transferred most onto dvd but recently found one of these disks and it's unreadable. I do fear I've lost things I cannot replace.

It also is some sort of measure of me. When I got the camcorder in June 2003 I wasn't well but was not having panic attacks. All those things changed over the years of those videos including the weight loss. Not that any of that matters really. What annoys me most is a scene. Most strangely in this scene the only one missing was me because I was working when it was taken. My wife had taken our daughter to her gran's house, our daughter was months old. At the same time her younger sister, her husband and baby of the same age went to. And on top my wife's parents as well. Its a scene in a living room they all knew but is no longer in the family. It's a scene with 4 generations from my wife's gran in her nineties to our daughter in her first year. It's a scene where 3 of the people are no longer with us- the gran, her great aunt and mum. It's a happy time that I am really angry about not taking better care of. Its not definitely lost forever but its looking more likely to be lost than found. Fingers crossed that over the course of decluttering something turns up that can be saved.

Nowadays we have so much footage on our phones but that was before all that. I think there might have been footage from my gran's house too. In fact there was an even older camcorder from around 1996 somewhere too that could be there somewhere. A reminder to take better care of things. 

281 CBT

 

" CBT "

I do need to get back to doing my CBT but for whatever reason today hopeful of starting I just could not get into it. A few years ago when we had a working printer I had the foresight to print off book one of four. It's convenient. Nothing needs charged, no glare and I can read it anywhere. Not that it's much of a hassle to read it other ways. The pdf books are on my phone and my Kindle. Aside from that I also have a condensed version of all four books in small book format I keep in my travel bag.

I just could not get into though today. Its no surprise really given I can't seem to get into general reading at the moment. I sit with it in front of me and cannot seem to keep my attention on the words. It's like a drunk trying to walk a tightrope. My wind wanders right now on to other things. Not sure if the fact I am experiencing so little anxiety is a factor too. I am not pushing myself enough to experience panic and without that panic the desire to overcome it is less. It is possibly a sign I need to start pushing my walks again first just like I need to do before getting in a car again and also trying public transport.

My experience tells me in my own situation I need both walks and CBT to deal with the agoraphobia. I need both so it's important I get started soon. It won't be long before the DWP are landing through my letterbox again. I really do need to get on this. 

280 Easter Sunday

 

" Easter Sunday "

It didn't feel much like Easter today. For the first time I can remember there were not even Easter eggs for the kids. It's becoming a recurring theme. We left it so late to get eggs there were none there when we arrived. Just like mothers day. Just like advent calenders at Christmas. Lockdown has played its part but I feel also my wife has found these ocassions less significant since she lost her mum. A year ago she was due to spread her ashes with her sisters but lockdown prevented that and still they sit in an empty house. The kids had to make do with little chocolate eggs and strangely didn't seem that bothered either. It didn't feel like Easter. We never went out.

The image above is from 3 years ago. I am at least thankful for these memories. I missed out on the picnics and egg rolls for a decade due to agoraphobia. I can't say when and if I'll do it again for so many reasons but I do at least have these. For a couple of years I got that normality again to have memories which would otherwise have been well faded one of 15 years past or so. I don't know if this was the reason I managed to get up those times but as I said I am thankful I did. It will never be the same now but that is how life works. Many more happy times at this period of the year may still be ahead of us. 

278 Postal

 

" Postal "

I am showing my naivety here with relation to the electoral system but I thought when I applied for a postal vote I would then vote. In actual fact what I applied for was the ability to vote by post. Ironically in this exchange of emails I found out the body dealing with this is just 2 minutes walk away. That was handy. The lady said I'd be pushing it to make the cutoff date on Tuesday but thankfully the registration form arrived today. My initial thought was to get it completed, walk to the council building and deliver it. It turns out it's even easier than that. You fill out the form, scan it with your phone and email it. Done.

Or at least I think that is it done. I just got an automated response which did not actually acknowledge by attachment. All it said was it purpose as a non-replying drop box. Only time will tell. There was an option to vote by post every time but I want to take each scenario as it presents itself rather than giving up wholesale. Not that I am giving up. I want to vote but if I found myself in a long queue having to do it I'd pull out. This is my best chance of voting. I don't think it will make any difference but I'd feel better knowing I at least lent my voice. 

277 April fool

 

" April fool "

It's a stupid day really, pointless. I like a laugh, a joke and a wind up but these don't need a specific day to do it. Ordinarily I would say it doesn't matter. I mean if I don't like it then just ignore it. But there is another side to it to. It creates doubt. A joke should be easily separated from reality but it's not always the case. How far would someone push a joke?

Anyway I got a text about a family member I no longer associate with saying they were in a bad way in hospital. Without going further than that I would say I was not entirely convinced it was genuine. Probably was. In fact probably 99% sure it was but this stupid day creates that 1% doubt. Either way it's information I've received, acknowledged and disposed of.

Besides all that I think it is getting harder to prank people now anyway. Everyone expects it. Everyone looks for a name that is an anagram of the dupe. It's probably run its course.