Blue envelope

  

The blue envelope finally arrived last week and with it a sense of dread. It shouldn't be that way but it is. I knew an appointment would arrive for the COVID19 Vaccination and knew it would probably give me mental battles which it has. First jag of two. I have no problem with a jag. I'm not scared of needles. And given what I know COVID19 can do to people I want to be vaccinated. But like so many things in my life what I want is not as easy as just taking. The problem here is that the appointment will be too far away and in a building which will cause me panic. I just cannot do it.

Some would right point out that were I to become ill and be hospitalised it would be way worse than the panic of getting the jab. I understand that. It makes sense when you do not have to go through the panic yourself. I just can't do it. This would not be me being fine until stepping in a building. This would be me rolled up in panic just getting there and ultimately turning back for sure. It is that horrible an experience to endure. I just can't do it. Neither option removes the dread. For now that envelope will remain unopened. 

I am not a stupid person. I am being offered a vaccine against a killer virus. Why would I not take up the offer? That is how bad this anxiety can be. That is how bad it is at the moment. A couple of years ago I would have had it done without any problem. Its bad timing. I have since learned that the appointment can be re-arranged to a different place but the 3 which are offered are still too far away. I need to try to keep myself far from it until I can get on top of my anxiety problems once again. 

Explosion

  

I should say first that something happened, it game me a scare but I was completely fine. I am not naturally melodramatic but I do think since my anxiety problems started I am prone to scaring more easily than I used to. Anxiety attaches to everything. 

A moment which felt like forever but was only a second at most. An instance of fear and a narrative constructed to match it. An explosion. I stood motionless with terror for that tiny eternity fearing the worse. I had been making the boy a burger for lunch and as always at the end toasted the bun and burger in the oven. The timer pinged, I opened the oven door and there was an explosion. Loud and with force. I saw the sections of burger fly out and I felt wetness on my legs. That was what brought the terror. Wetness. Blood? I did not want to look. A hundred different images from the big screen filled my head of what I would see- torn trousers ripped apart, wounds and more. If I didn't look I was OK but I had to look and did I see what I feared? 

No. As it turns out it was not blood but Pepsi Cola that saturated my bottom half. Honestly my heart was racing so much. The girls have lately been getting up during the night and helping themselves to juice. Fizzy juice that is. Loads of diluting there but they only crave the fizzy stuff. The memory came to me of my wife saying she was hiding the big bottle of Pepsi in the oven before bed. Why the oven of all places? My plan was to move it somewhere else but I forgot then and it had long gone from memory today when I turned the oven on. No harm done in the end except a ruined lunch and a half hour for me cleaning up and scrubbing the oven. I despair sometimes. 

The Duke

  

Last week the Duke of Edinburgh died at the ripe old age of 99 years old. It's a sad day when anyone dies but may be more poignant when it's all over every TV channel. I have to say first that I had no opinion on the Royal family and to be honest no interest. That lack of opinion works on both sides. As much as I have nothing positive to say I have nothing negative to say either. They are just there and I look no further than that. The only times I can remember any more than that all revolved around Diana. I remember my mum and her sister sitting on the floor crying in front of the TV watching the live coverage of wedding of Charles and Diana. I remember the strange numbness of the day she died. And I remember the strange feeling going through the tunnel in Paris where she died. Other than that nothing.

On the Duke my opinion has been pretty blinkered. My opinion of him has been forged by satirical comedy. I've taken no interest in him but would always hear jokes at his expense as he was generally painted as a blithering old racist and bigot in comedy circles. His gaffes are legendary like asking a driving instructor in Scotland how he kept the locals off the booze long enough to teach them. They were the source of many an email meme in the early days of Internet before social media. How many were true I don't know. 

That was my opinion of him until I watched the BBC documentary about his like today. It made me feel a little small-minded not to have given him more of my time. A war hero, an environmentalist, a champion of the young and a tireless charity worker who worked well beyond retirement age. Not perfect but who is? A life truly well lived. His selflessness really came to mind when I read many negative comments today with the word "parasite" used. Disgusting really. He was from a different generation who was more prone to speak its mind. I don't claim to understand that generation any more than I understand the younger generation today. They are both different from each other and different from my own. Those differences do not detract from all the good he did. I did the Duke of Edinburgh award at school and remember how great it felt to achieve something. I'd actually like to read or watch more now. I'm just sorry I left it so long to find out he was not the man I though he was. 

Fool's gold

  

At the weekend I went down the park on a mission. I needed a motivator and I had one. There is a local online newspaper which mostly runs on Facebook. It used to be very good but now though it has gone down the road of wanting cash for some articles otherwise they are hidden. It is not so good. I will say its only a couple of pound I think a month and that money does go to charity but I disagree with that line entirely. It gets enough donations as it is. The guy who runs it has had all elements paid for by donations. Why then hide articles from people who cannot afford it as many cannot? Look at how many people are using food banks. And even if you can afford it you may not like making online payments. For certain members of society the process might be too much for them as well. 

Anyway I'll read the free stuff from time to time and the other day I noticed a story about a sinkhole which had opened up in the local park. Not surprising in an old mining town. So I went down the park to take pictures and have a wee look. I got a good walk, more than I planned. On and on I walked about unable to find it, or even evidence of it. Disappointing. When I got back I told my wife and she laughed: that was an April Fool. Typical. I looked again and the article was indeed from the first of the month. It did at least get me out. 

Purpose. It is so important when having to do something repetitively. It can be a mind number just the thought of getting out the door to do the same walks day after day. Tedious. Finding a reason to do them helps. OK the ultimate reason I do them is to get better and also to stop my world shrinking. Sometimes that is not enough of a spark which is where the camera came in handy years ago. Its always good to have purpose.