185 Laptop

 

" Laptop "

Finally after 9 months without one I have a laptop. Well a Chromebook actually. Today was meant to be spent setting it up but the truth is it just about set itself up. All good on that score. The day was instead familiaring myself with it. Its more foreign than I expected but now feel I know what I am doing.

I do worry I may have rushed in though. I went to plug in my external hard drive to get all my old files and found there are no USB slots. In fact there is not a lot of anything just 2 usb-c ports and I have nothing to plug into them. I then realised also that meant no card reader which is frustrating given it comes with Lightroom but I have no way to transfer files from my phone. And some apps are not available. Annoying.

It's a different philosophy I suppose and one happening all over. Music, films and TV have all moved to steaming meaning we no longer need physical copies but rent what we need when we need it. Gaming is moving the same way. Computing also has gone cloud based. It means with no need for storage these devices are thin and quiet and the battery lasts longer. I can, via an adapter, access my files later but long term it dies pose the question as to whether we need so much space. We all have 1000s of photos and lots of videos that mostly sit doing nothing. It probably makes more sense to cut down. Time will tell. 

Strange Christmas

  

It's been a strange old Christmas for sure if for nothing else because I spent it with my family. If someone had told me a year ago I'd be doing it then I would have assumed another recovery and I'd gone up North with them. I wouldn't have thought we'd be spending it at home. Certainly not have expected it to be in isolation on the eve of a lockdown with a daughter carrying a virus guilty of causing a pandemic. This is how it was.

Strangely as it turns out it was the best Christmas for a while. We had none of the usual dramas with the kids seemingly happy with their lot. And at least it was enjoyed together. Usually I am alone and although I never say it I do feel alone. But while it was fine for me and the kids it was hard for my wife. Its her first Christmas without her mum and wanting to spend it with her dad and sisters she was instead absent.

It is what it is though. I hope the people who couldn't spend this period with loved ones can do next year. It's been tough for everyone but for a large number it will be Christmas without people gone throughout the year. I hope there are better times ahead for them. 

184 White Christmas

 

" White Christmas "

Four days late but as they say better late than never. It was nice to finally see the snow. We are not going anywhere anyway so might as well make the surrounds sparkle with a more wintery theme. Hopefully it will keep people local at a time when people really need to be staying put at home.

The dog wasn't sure what to make of it. Scared like everything else but also intrigued that he could wet his tongue. I like that first venture out on the pristine white blanket. The photo above was from later today but before bed I took the dog on an untread path which felt good. Crunching underfoot. It's not going to last but it was nice while it did. 

183 Lazy day

 

" Lazy day "

Today was a lazy day where nothing much got done. We slept, we got a takeaway and mostly we stayed indoors. It was a bit of a slump akin to releasing after tensing up. Christmas over and quarantine over and so a day to just relax.

It's the strangest of times. What I should be doing now is putting all the dark stuff behind me and looking towards a new brighter year. But I can't. We can't. Lolling ahead there is just uncertainty. We have a vaccine but infection rates sore. Amid this doubt we are now free from Europe and far from sure how that will pan out. In Scotland we have a government still wanting to break the country up further and add more doubt using any means possible to do it even if it means saying a no deal Brexit is a disaster one week and blocking that deal the next. My daughter and wife will be soon going out into covid hotpots. We are unsure when the children will return to school or even whether we want them too. It's impossible really to look forward with much hope and certainly confidence in this fog.

It's back under the duvet for most and worry about it tomorrow. It's seeing out the last days of the year. It's a slow dream like state which we thought might be clearing only to find a denser cloud of doubt followed behind. 

182 Day ten

 

" Day ten "

As far as I'm concerned quarantine is over but my wife and daughter are having none of it. NHS Scotland told them the 29th as care home workers for some reason need 2 days extra. Not for me. 10 days since a positive test which according to the WHO is plenty so I'm cutting loose.

That said we were reminded tonight on our first visit to the shops since isolation that covid is still lurking. My wife was telling the checkout lady about our quarantine and asked her how her Christmas had been. Not great. Her brother was in intensive care and had been for 5 weeks. He'd developed a cough and then one day could not get out of bed. Off to hospital and on to a ventilator. Just like that. It's scary. It's so easy to forget that hospitals are filling up again. People are dying and those who are not are having a hell of a time of it. This though is just the tip of the iceberg.

Although quarantine is over I am still wary because although my daughter should now be clear there is no guarantee we have not picked it up in between. Only time will. And if all is OK over the coming week then I fear my daughter going back to work again into a care home which appears to be a hotbed for covid. I do worry about her then getting another positive test. More so since this new strain appears to be more contagious. We can only hope that at some point this is just a bad memory. For many though it will forever be more tragic than that. 

181 Boxing day

" Boxing day "

 It's been a real lazy day for all today. I think we are all just glad to get Christmas over with. In truth it did not feel festive. There were no Christmas films watched and no snow outside. Its gone and now we sort of relax into the latest lockdown which starts today. I did think that was nationwide but have read today of people queuing from 4 this morning at Next shops all over to take advantage of sales- the opposite of what should be happening. Sales all over. People armed with credit cards and debit cards marching on shops for bargains. Not good news.

For us it's day 9 of isolation. We should be out of the woods tomorrow all going well but that is a subject of debate at present. I'll get to that tomorrow. Thankfully for now although lurgy is rife noone is showing any covid symptoms. Long may that continue. 

A lazy day as I said. I have been the only one to venture out to take the dog. Its not pretty out there. Storm Bella is bellowing and the driving rain is freezing. But I don't care. My trousers are wet but with a big cosy coat, a woollen hat and wellies I am happy trudging. That has been the long and short of it. 

Eve

It's Christmas Eve in all but name so I'll keep it short. It's been a real lazy day only venturing out to walk the dog. It feels minus out there but not enough to turn white. It's day 7 of our isolation and thankfully still no symptom for any of us but oldest girl remains confined to her room.

And the big news is that Brexit now appears to be over. A deal has been agreed but I am too tired of it all like everyone else to know if its good or bad. Some kind of end is good enough for me. I am hopeful in time it will serve us both well. We are an island and as such should not be administered by the main land- on my view. But that is no reason not to work together for our mutual benefit and hopefully in time that is what will happen. 

178 Not staying in

 

" Not staying in "

I'm not staying in, no way. I feel like a caged animal and know its setting me back staying indoors. After dark my wife took the dog out and the oldest girl, who we assume is still positive, went with her. The latter has had 72 hours in a room and really needed a break. My break came earlier out for a long walk.

And yes it does go against advice as we have been instructed to stay indoors until the 29th of the month. We have though been careful. We go places where people don't go and while down handles, use sanitizer and all the rest. We are very careful. My concience is clear. 

Unlike our FM who has been caught not wearing a mask while talking to pensions and breaking her own rules. But she said sorry while she swept so that's ok- nothing to see here. I'm sure if it was Boris no one would question it either, tongue firmly in cheek. That carpet must be getting bumpy. Dr Calderwood's trip to her second home after telling the nation not to travel is under there. None though bigger than Ferrier travelling the length of the land in a train after testing positive yet still in her job picking up her bumper pay packet. All this at a time when the Scottish government wants to make new covid rules law despite facing no action for breaking them themselves.

My conscience is clear as I said. As long as we are not endangering anyone else we won't be caged. And while we show no symptoms this isolation ends on 27th as far as I am concerned which is 10 days after my daughter's positive test. 

Positive

 

My wife was all ready for work. She has a second job now working for the same company as our daughter but not in a care home. She had collected the car and dressed to go when after disappearing to see the oldest she returned to say the oldest had received a positive covid result. The day I have been dreading. As always the test was Friday so she has been positive for at least 4 days at that time. The message said we all must isolate. Its the second time of forced isolation but the previous time there was no positive test at our end at least.  

I won't lie I am not good with these things. I got a bottle of malt for my birthday at the start of the month and so poured one dram to take the edge off. It did its job. My wife had to cancel her shifts and arrange for someone to pick up the car. Our daughter was due in work that night but obviously can't which has upset her. Right in time for Christmas too which has put my wife's plans up in the air.

This is the news we have been dreading yet expecting. Track and trace said isolation starts from Monday so we are indoors until the 29th. So they say but I'm not having it. My daughter was tested before she finished work at 8 am on Friday. That for me is day one, the 18th, so 27th is when it ends all going well. It looks a long way off now. 

Aside from that though the main thing is we all stay safe. My daughter appears fine and we are taking all the precautions but I fear she is going to be harder to contain than her sister. As of today she has shown no symptoms so I'm hopeful the test is wrong. We have all been OK too so far. Its just the worry of it. It is definitely going to be a Christmas to remember for a mixture of reasons. 

177 Waiting to be ill

" Waiting to be ill "

If my daughter did not get tested at her work then things would be different. On Friday things were fine as they were on Saturday and Sunday. Ignorance is bliss. And it may even be longer than that but we will never know. We know she contracted covid at work. Of that we are 100%. On the lead up she was indoors with no interaction with the outside world. Given she works 20:00 to 8:00 she sleeps in between and she had 4 days in a row of that ending Saturday. That is a Tuesday to Friday start. It could even have been Tuesday she caught it. We just don't know.

But we had at least 3 days of ignorance and I did prefer that. Since knowing she was positive yesterday I have been having probable phantom symptoms and others which are most likely common cold. What I have to keep reminding myself is the actual covid symptoms: a new (persistent) cough, fever or loss of taste/smell. I need to keep reminding myself. Also I have to try to stop looking for symptoms. It's like I have an eye on the timer and keep waiting to be ill. I wake today and after a scan chalk off another day mentally on the wall like a prisoner in a film. Time is moving too slow. I just want this period over.

News today is all about fear over the new strain and how already heavy restrictions from boxing day are about to get worse. The FM is also threatening law again from her little power podium. We are better off indoors, are wise enough to do it without the threat of legal action and expecting the worse again. Not much cheer at the moment. 

175 Thistles

 

" Thistles "

Someone around our way has a bit of an obsession with thistles and armed with a can of spray paint is not afraid to demonstrate it. Or maybe it's all they can paint. Not sure. Whatever the driving force they are all over the place. Not unpleasing to the eye and better than just slogans but still a bit of a eye sore. I am thankful because I've used them as fillers here a few times and no doubt will again.

The one above is our one mile marker- I say "our" as the kids refer to it as that too. It's a piece of wall which strangely is almost bang on a mile from my front door. It's on the way to Bothwell Bridge and the Lido where I used to take the youngest two. And that is where I was today. A bit of a slow news day to say the least. Walks were about all to break up the monotony. 

174 New strain

 

" New strain "

Just when it looked like we had cause for optimism with the Vaccine roll out another dark cloud appears. We shouldn't really be surprised. In the first wave when the curve started to come down we were warned of a 2nd and even 3rd wave like the Spanish Flu. There were also mutterings of offshoots and variants which given this is a global happening is to be expected. Still it's a bit gutting.

The biggest problem right now with this new strain is the lack of information. The British government and devolved governments look worried. Already they are backtracking on their Christmas promises. They are scaresd. We don't know what they are scared of. What are they not telling us? Is it deadlier generally? Is it deadlier to a younger group? Is it more contagious? Does it come at you more than once? Is the incubation period longer? Are there new symptoms we need to be aware of? So many questions and right now no answers. It is concerning. 

173 Crash

 

" Crash "

There was a tragic crash last week or the week before ar this point resulting in the loss of a few lives. Tragic at any time of year. It happened in the early morning when the build up to rush hour starts and no other cars were involved. I have no connection to it but mention it only because when I heard about it I could picture the place but had not been there in a while. Obviously today I managed as far as there but only briefly as I was well out my comfort zone so was quick to scamper back home.

When I heard of where this accident had happened it brought back a memory. I remember one day walking past here a few years ago and sitting down on the bench fir a rest. It's not something I am prone to do as I generally like to keep moving. I think I had taken a few pictures of the monument there and sat down. After doing so and flicking through either my phone or images on my camera I was aware of something sitting beside me. It was a little A5 black book. I opened it and the first 30 pages or so were blank I was going to stop flicking when suddenly appeared pencil scribblings. As I moved through some were numbers, others formulas and others still were sketches. It intrigued me so much I was going to put the book in my bag. I was paranoid about looking through it outside.

Anyway in the end despite wanting to know what it was about I placed it back on the bench. It felt important. It felt like someone would really miss it. I quickly looked again for a name or number but nothing was there so I placed it back again. I then reluctantly left hoping that the owner would turn up there glad it was still where he/she had left it. It still bothers me though. I wish I had at least taken some pictures. 

172 DWP Merseyside

 

" DWP Merseyside "

Whenever I have mentioned the Department of Work and Pensions in Blogland or in the real world it was always been with disdain. In my view rightly too. I'm not talking about holding out my hand without question but being unwilling to help me get back into a working life. Not just that but being unwilling to listen full stop. It has been frustrating. All I've wanted is a fair crack. All Ive wanted is some understanding when I know the alternative is going to set me back. I've had 4 years of hell mostly at their hands. I did not seek this problem that continues to plague me but I have tried everything to get better. And when I did start to get better the DWP came in and pulled the rug from under me, the floor too.

Ironically though it is the DWP that have finally helped me. Not the whole of it but one individually. I'm ashamed to say I cannot remember his name. My mind was numb at the time. One man at DWP listened to me for once, felt I was owed money and despite my case being closed fought to get it opened again. Not once but after it was blocked the first time he tried another route successfully. He didn't have to. Its not in his job description to do so. But he decided it was something he wanted or needed to do. I really cannot imagine where I would be now without his efforts. 

So it's worth remembering not everyone in one organisation is the same. My bad experiences with CPNs for example does not mean they are all bad. Likewise with the DWP and others. I just wish I could let the guy know what a change he has made not just in my life but my whole family's life. 

171 Coppers

 

" Coppers "

One of the mistakes I made when thinking about a link to the past as a source of my anxiety was to look for one big event. I suspected a trauma of some sort. And I should say that it is not to say something exists because I expect it too. In fact no big event can be recalled and one big event probably never happened. But what I did start to see was lots of small events of discomfort. As I recalled those more popped up and more again and with them rising anxiety to the point I had to stop. I felt I was opening a door I couldn't close which had been boarded shut a long time. So for now I will leave it alone.

With each incident there are certain factors driving the anxiety. Sometimes it's helplessness as you would expect with a child but at other times it's humiliation or a mixture of the two or neither at all. As I said I don't want to delve too deep because I feel I would regret it. But I will say there were lots of small incidents. It could have been when I was forced to karate weekly despite hating it so much I sat hunched over a toilet in a cubicle forcing fingers down my throat to be sick. I wanted out of it but was told money had been spent on kitting me out. It could have been the period being forced to church and humiliated in from of a room full of people by the minister. Or was it angrily telling my parents what happened just for them to laugh in my face.?

One incident that popped up was to do with primary school. I lost my reading book. I could find it nowhere and had to sit cross legged on the floor sharing someone else's. I used to dread it each time having to say I had no book and take the wrath of the teacher. And so she said I'd have to buy a replacement. I told my parents and they refused-- I'd lost it so it was my problem. Next time I told the teacher and she went nuts saying if I did not have a book next time I could go tell the head mistress why. At that point the only time I saw her was when she appeared to administer the strap. I told my parents again and met with their anger. I was primary 5 so probably 11 years old and felt I had nowhere to go. Then I remembered the savings jar.

It wasn't a jar but a massive bottle. Huge to me. Probably about 2 litres and filled with coppers. So in desperation I took out the £1.25 I needed for a replacement book. I hit the money inside a damp towel in my school bag used for swimming that day hoping in the morning to dump the towel in the washing basket and be off with the money to sort my problems. That morning though when I woke my mum was already in the room and shook the towel out shortly after to a shower of pennies. She went bananas. I was a thief and so on.

All of that is crystal clear in my mind right down to the price of the book. I can't remember what the book was but remember it was to do with a boar. The cover was obscured because we had to cover them with paper. I remember my year. I remember where I sat- it was an open plan building with many classes separated only by drawers. I remember the angry teacher was Miss Cruickshank. I remember the shape of the bottle. I remember everything except what happened next. I don't know the outcome. I have my suspicions but they are only that.

And so I'll leave it there. Recalling this I felt like was reliving it. I felt despair more than anything. There are many incidents like that which years later have started resurfacing. If nothing more it's made me parent in a different way. For example with the boy we got him to try many activities like football, karate, basketball and others but as soon as he said he didn't like them we stopped. For all the angst it caused me i hope that is balanced out now by saving him from the same date. 

Family

  

It is a testament to just how cluttered and out of date our pinboard is in the kitchen that when I decided to de-clutter it I found lots of old things buried within. Mostly there are old take away menus from places no longer trading and bills long paid as well as information no longer relevant. Its easier to pin up than take down it would seem. There are even some old newspaper clippings. Not really anything of note, worth keeping or really making a blog post about.

Except that is for the drawing above. I'm 90% sure my younger girl drew it. I don't know when that was but given the boy has a milk bottle here and is at high school now I'd guess at least 8 years ago. Oh to go back to those days when things were simpler. It's a great drawing which says more than I could write in a small post- for example why the artist in question is angry while the rest are happy. But I won't. There is a point I think where you have to keep things private and that is that I wanted to say in this post. There are things going on in this little family unit and more with extended family that I won't go into despite being factors in our life at the moment. I guess my point is that I just wanted to say is that the picture I paint here is not the whole picture and I think that is generally the case with all bloggers. Sometimes the picture is better than the truth and the words behind it. 

170 5G

 

" 5G "

Just left of centre that big mast just erected today is to give 5G to the local area. I won't pretend to understand the technology but do understand we have just been pretty severely triangulated by these things with one out the back and another quarter of a mile away down at B&M.

I'm not a conspiracy theorist. I didn't get the urge to run down and karate kick a few BT engineers for giving us Covid. Mad really but there are flat Earthers and all the rest and I guess when it comes down to it everyone is entitled to their opinion. Not though when it results in assault.

Small aside here. I had to refrain from saying "everyone is entitled to their OWN opinion". I'm not good at English but would assume that is superfluous. I've been hearing a lot of that lately. Someone pointed out that people iscolate without need for the SELF. Likewise no need to use GLOBAL when talking of a pandemic. Personally I really am not fussed. I think its a bit of my wife rubbing off as she is obsessed with spelling and more so pronunciation. In that things I deem petty and irrelevant keep getting pointed out to me as quite the opposite.

Anyway the mast is up and we are caught in the middle but if we shut the curtains we'd never know. And that sadly is the advice some new house owner is going to be presenters with. This mast has been placed just outside spare ground which has been given permission for housing. That mast is going to sit feet outside back windows. I'll bet no one told the builders. I hope they give them free curtains. 

169 Rainbows

 

" Rainbows "

I went for a walk today down by David Livingstone Bridge as I had not been down there for a while. Recently I have been pushing one direction. Today I needed a break from the monotony of that. Basically the loop I want to do about 3.5 miles long I started in reverse for a change. Nowhere near doing it all but to be honest progress is better than expected.

David Livingstone Bridge in its current form is in its 3rd incarnation if memory serves me right. Once it wobbled badly but now is sturdy. Once it had a toll. And before all that a boat took people over the water. What we also know of bridges us it's also a place where people go to end their lives unfortunately. As such there is usually a Sanaritans sticker or two. 

Today though there were lots of messages pinned to the bridge along its length. In one area there were lots of flowers too. Sad, very sad. I don't know the story but can guess as you can to. It doesn't need saying. But without knowing specifics it's the same experience for everyone. I walked the bridge, spent 5 minutes at the others side and crossed it again. More people than usual and all to a person reading the messages. And I'd like to think that in itself can help at least one lost soul who is not as alone as they feel.

168 Twelve days

 

" Twelve days "

Some sums I can't do. Some sums I can't be bothered doing. Some sums hurt my head just contemplating them. Those sums that are on a knife edge sort of. It's the simple ones like how many sleeps to Christmas appearing to be a day more. It's the one out ones. Example, this simple puzzle:

"A bat and ball costs £1.10. The bat costs £1 more than the ball. How much does the ball cost?"

£0.10 surely. If it was "Who wants to be a millionaire?" that would be a £100 question. And yet my answer is wrong. It's 5p. 5p for the ball and £1.05 for the bat. Not so simple it would seem.

Anyway my wife tells me its 12 days before Christmas and I'll accept that. It's time to put up decorations finally. It's time to feel Christmassy. Yes I know that's not a word though I was convinced a few years aho that the second line of "Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree" was "You are so green and Christmassy". Wrong but I still feel my lyrics are better. Anyway decorations up and some Christmas songs on. Not in anyone's face. Just quietly in the background for the kids. 

167 Biography

 

" Biography "

Hearing today about the death of John La Carre I have to admit to it bouncing straight off. It may sound heartless but in truth it's a name I know but have never had any interest in. That is not to say its not sad. It is. All death is sad. But if it had been a politician, reality TV star or anyone else I knew only by name it would have met with the same response.

Spy novels are not my thing. I don't like to ignore any genres but if I had to spy books would be high on the list. Just not my thing. Just like James Bond is not my thing. It's something very dated feeling to me no matter how they try to modernise it. Spy books hold the same disinterest. I remember in my younger days getting a computer game named "The Fourth Protocol" which came with the book and progressing in the game relied on reading the book. I tried but could not force myself to do it. To this day I still know nothing about it except someone is called Pasternak but that was from the game. I should also say I had the same experience with "The Hobbit" game. I know its not a popular thing to say but not a fan and even less of a fan after sitting for 2 and a half hours with a numb backside and my knees under my chin watching "The two towers".

There was though something today that gave me pause for thought. A show on the radio mentioned the death of La carre and guests were talking about him. A quite remarkable life actually from a short talk which had me feeling a little ashamed at dismissing him so quickly. Someone talked of "The spy who came out of the cold" and said it was the closest to his own life. Another talked of how he seemed to always be on the edge of things like being at public school but also being a bit of a rogue. A father connected to the Krays yet teaching at Eton. A life lived. An interesting life by all accounts. It made me firstly have the urge to read the aforementioned novel but subsequently instead seek out a biography.

And that took me back. I used to read a lot of biographies and it always amazed me how a lot of people were not who I thought they were. Some were better, some were not. Many lived fuller lives than I realised. Many were fascinating making me want to learn more of their work or at least left me with more of an appreciation of it. It gave me an appetite to read about other people from Napoleon to Jack Kerouac. It also got me thinking-- at the time. It got me thinking that every quarter or 6 months I should randomly pick a biography to read and read it regardless of any preconceptions. I never did. I might though start again with John La Carre. 

Deer

 

Out walking today today again with my wife and the dog to our usual quiet place. It is so calming. Sometimes I am reluctant prior but usually glad when I am out and reluctant even at times to return. But in terms of blogging there is not a lot to say about a quiet gentle walk in which nothing happens and certainly not for the 4th, 5th or 10th time. It is though all that broke up an otherwise slow deer.

Perspective is a strange thing. Even now I cannot understand why a big glowing moon before me looks like a pinprick behind the lens. Likewise with wildlife. I see so much, snap and later look back to find nothing. Take this deer. Its OK but should be much better. This is blown up and still not clear. Yet to the naked eye it looked maybe 20ft away. We were separated by a small stream so it didn't panic and instead just lazily observed me knowing I could do it no harm. The dog didn't bother it either. 

I miss my camera. I'm hoping soon to start using it again. Obviously not for here until I've finished my 365 thing but in time. So many wasted opportunities. 

165 Overdoing it

 

" Overdoing it "

The image above doesn't relate to the title directly but was taken on today's walk which it concerns. A long while back in around 2009 onwards when I was pushing my agoraphobic boundaries I used to get a physical reaction which set me back just as much as the mental side. So much so that when I talked to anyone in a similar position it's something I would ask about and usually I seemed to be alone in that regard. I'd call them "after effects" which occurred from overdoing it. The problem though is that there was no logic to it. For example I couldnt say they started a mile from walking or 20 miles from walking then just not overstep that mark. It could be a mile one day and quarter the next. There was no warning too. I didnt start to tire and feel physically knackered gradually. It would just hit me. Sort of like sometimes after lunch you can suddenly feel really tired out the blue.

But that is a nice tiredness, this isn't. It's an agitated tiredness. I referred to it also at one point as "black exhaustion" because it felt like a horrible blackness running through the body, like a thick tar through the veins. The body needed to rest but was too agitated to when I spoke to the cbt guy he remarked the same.

I mention it because I have been experiencing the same lately on and off. It will pass in time but not sure how long. Today was not a big walk but I felt so uncomfortable after it. I didn't take off my shoes because I felt a need to flee. I tried lying out but could not get comfortable. My eyes were nipping with tiredness and my muscles buzzing with overuse but I could find no solace. When my wife asked me to do something as simple as taking the washing out the machine I felt iritated because I just wanted a bit of peace to rest but some agitation kept poking at me. As I say though it will pass but its not enjoyable when it occurs. It also makes me apprehensive about going for walks and reluctant to go too far.

164 Locked

 

" Locked "

Out walking today something occurred to me. It appeared crystal clear amid moments of panic. In my head I wrote it all down. At times like that I wish I had a dicta phone to record it all but think if I did it would be lost. I have to observe it and mentally remark even if those notes are later gone. When I get home I mark down key points but the meat that fills those bones quickly fades to nothing.

My panic was due to pushing further than usual but also on a part of the route I am used to panicking on. And I thought to myself if I had no thoughts I would not panic. This is 100% thought driven. Or should I say its 100% irrational thought driven. I can see there is no need to panic but something else us driving it. Something unseen opens and panic flares. It's nothing to do with where I am. Nothing to do with anything about the situation at all. It's a memory of a time before panicking which unlocks that box and panic is unleashed.

That box has been the unfathomable thing in all this and sort of still is. My progress here is that I finally see it exists but unfortunately don't see what is in it. Or the source of it because I know the raw materials are childhood and fear. Did something happen that I have locked away? There is something there. There is a repressed emotion probably connected to an event I have buried. Sometimes I get flashed of things that make no sense from my youth. More than that though is the feeling, the fear. I see it exists which is a step forward. I see it and feel it resurfacing and overpowering in my teenage years. I see it but right now I don't know what to do with it. I don't know if it's something better left alone. 

The first day of a new era

  

First I would like to apologise for so many dark posts. In truth as bad as they were they did not even touch the surface. I had to delete some things at times because they were so bad. What I have been going through mentally cannot be put into words. I cannot convey my mental state sitting awake in the dark with too little sleep tormented by worry. It was my intention last week to delete this blog because I could find nothing good to say and I saw no point in just dumping my negativity daily. Such a dark place. I do though talk of this in the past tense.

I am not religious but I was desperate and so I prayed. Its something desperate people do. I prayed to someone, not a god, for just one break. I didn't ask for a lottery win nor an anxiety free life. I just wanted one helping hand to at least have a shot at turning things around. All I asked for was what a stranger told me a few weeks ago I was entitled to. That didn't mean I would get it. In fact it was highly likely I wouldn't even though other people were. But I prayed for it. I would say there are thousands of people with worse problems and I tried to remind myself of that but it was 

What did I want? A small income to aide me while I tried to recover. In 2017 I felt I had recovered 90%. I felt I was close to being agoraphobia free as I had no panic related to being away from home and felt I could travel anywhere- not by public transport but that was no agoraphobia related. I went from that recovery which took a few years to about 10% recovery in a few months. There was one factor in that and that was the DWP stopping my ESA payments. I could go on but won't. That was the issue so I prayed for these to be reinstated. 

They have been reinstated. I feel like someone has had their foot pressed on my windpipe for 4 years. I have wanted to recover, feel I know what it takes, almost got there before but have had money problems preventing me moving on. I just wanted that problem removed long enough to allow me to do what I need to get progressing through recovery again. Getting my ESA was vital to that and looked impossible but somehow its there again. Were that not good enough I have also had what I was owed backdated. This is quite incredible as it means I can clear most of the debt which has been hanging over me for over 15 years. It was a real emotional rush unlike any I have felt for a long time. My wife said she actually noticed a physical change in my face as I realised this. It was like all the strain and stress if the past 4 years relaxed in one moments. 

The pic above is the view from my living room window. I see it every day and it rarely changes but now it's different. It's brighter and better. I can breathe for the first time in a long time. There is this empty threat still lingering like an impression but that will go in time. I can breathe. I am in a state of happiness which is unfamiliar. And the kids can have Christmas too which is another bonus.

I look out the window and it really does feel like the first day of a new era. Its the start. In January I will commence my cbt again and with the walks I am sure I will get back to where I was. This time though I don't have that threat hanging over me. This time it cannot halt my progress. I prayed for a break and I got one. Now its up to me to take this gift and move forward with it. That is what I plan to do. 

The regular income helps but it was actually biting a huge chunk out of my debt that has changed things. It is not worth going into detail but it really dragged me down this past 4 years because for the first time I had nothing in my account to pay the minimal repayments so was having to get my wife to help. Being able to squash that means that I will not be in that dark place ever again because even if the DWP stop my money we can still get by. Obviously now my wish is to recover and start making my own money so I don't have to rely on anyone other than myself.

Times ahead are looking better personally. I really feel this time I can get to the summit. Everything is now in place to do that. One step at a time though. 

163 The great outdoors

 

" The great outdoors "

I keep pushing myself out when I really do not want to but when out I really do question why I was so reluctant. Its a sign of better times. If great anxiety and panic lay ahead then the fear of that discomfort would plague me. At the moment though it does not. That requirement for a push is habitual from recent disappointments. Its a sign of improvement that I have been enjoying my time out.

Another sign of these better days in the great outdoors is my frequent post building in my head. Instead of having worry about going too far, debt and all other nasties I am constructing new posts which thankfully only appear here as an extract. My mind is not shackles by the fears and instead is given breathing space to be creative. Problems are solved or at least attempted to be. Music plays. It's a better place is a roomier space at a slower pace. 

162 Pushing through

 

" Pushing through "

I've been feeling under the weather the past few days and yes that did seem to coincide with my daughter's revelations about her workplace. All in the head. My daughter had her latest test result today and its negative. But I am blocked up and as a result not breathing freely so it has been affecting my anxiety. I really did not want to go out. The small walks with the dog were making me feel uncomfortable. Once breathing issues are in my head I just irritate them after with every movement.

Despite all that I did push myself out, struggled, as difficult as I thought and then didn't struggle. I passed where I hoped to get and beyond. The lungs freed up, the air flowed in and flowed out. Maybe everything was a little rusty and underused. The cobwebs blown off. It felt good. I'm glad I didn't stick with self ruminating and instead ventured out. Another kick up the backside. 

Reading

 

A brand new Kindle long overdue. My last was my mum's old one and it was on its last legs. It was actually putting me off reading because the display was slow updating and a bit foggy. So much so that the last 2 books I read were paper copies, old style. But now I have a new ereader. It felt nice to unbox something new for myself for the first time in a long while. I do appreciate it more. The irony is it had nothing to do with my improved financial state. I had earned a £50 Amazon voucher playing games which was to go toward Christmas presents but no longer required. And I got another voucher for my birthday.

I feel like a kid with a new toy. There are a few books I really wanted to read and with the excess from the vouchers I can get some if those too. Also though not having to play these games to earn vouchers now means I have time to read. That is all part of recovery in its own way and I look forward to it. 

160 Spreading

 

" Spreading "

Maybe I'm changing my tune now about the covid vaccine. It just goes to show how opinions can change depending on exposure to something. With no exposure I was skeptical. With the virus threatening to come home it's safe to say my opinion has softened a little.

My daughter continues to work in a care home where she has been told "covid is rife". Not only that threat to herself but the number of deaths of patients she has gotten to know is affecting her. Of course we are also concerned she may bring it home given this news. But she is also not the best at adhering to things which concerns us more. She did get a test yesterday as she does weekly with the result on a Monday. There is that but it's still a concern.

It's a stark reminder that this virus is still spreading and people are still dying. It's easy to forget when it doesn't touch you. I have to admit I had fallen out the routine of washing my hands cominf in from being out. I've not been distancing when passing people. This has been a kick up the backside really but that said it's out of our hands. I really do feel it's only a matter of time for us. 

159 Snow

 

" Snow "

There was snow. It didn't lie for long but it was there. If only it would stay a while. I cannot actually remember the last white Christmas. Forget the November lights and the Mariah Carey song. Snow is what makes me get that Christmas feeling. And I do sort of have it. My good news has allowed me to look forward now to Christmas. Or at least not feel dread when there is a hint of it.

The strange thing is there is this impression left by dread which I cannot shift yet. Its been there too long. A guilt continually gangs over me as it has for a while any time I take any time for myself. But it will pass. I am unwinding all this pent up tension so I can hit the ground running in January refreshed and recharged. For now I just want to relax and a tramp in the snow woukd be good if it holds. 

158 Forty Nine

 

" Forty nine "

Today was my birthday and for the last time I can enjoy being in my 40s. Cards appeared which was a surprise and very grateful I was too. Both from my wife's side of the family. My siblings don't send cards and my parents don't talk to us any more so that is the way it is.

Cards are a dying breed but I feel the process doesn't help itself in this era of emails, WhatsApp and zoom calls. Cards can be expensive and with the Royal Mail again hiking the price of stamps I cannot see the point any more. Let's face it we are a lazier race now so why not fire off a virtual greeting for free which will arrive the second its sent as opposed to paying for sonetjibg you gave to go out to send and may not even arrive-- on time or ever.

A quiet day at home. Wife was working so I got the kids a take away which was something. Where does the time go? 

Lost

  

As I said previously my wife and I have been taking the dog places where we are mostly alone which has been good for us all. Above is the "secret garden" which is not secret really of a garden but all locations need a reference point and that is the name we have given it. Here the dog runs around with a long training lead tailing him. It's flat and easy to keep an eye on him with the only concern passing trains to the top right. There is a fence but I'm not sure there are no gaps and as he has a tenancy to run full pelt at moving vehicles it unsettles me a little do I don't let him go too far.

The other day we followed a high path we had never been to explore. It was off the beaten track but not enough to make it impassable. All good until the dog disappeared. Two things followed. As I looked about a big male deer went charging past my vision but still no dog. Then finally on the main path I saw the dog charging past. I shouted and he heard but could not locate me so vanished. For 5 minutes my wife and I searched with no luck, it felt 10 times longer. Panic set in.

My fear was he was gone. My fear was in his fear he would keep running petrified and lost. Then other fears. The train line- I thought back to that day a deer ran past me and out in front of a moving train chased by a dog. Within 5 minutes walk a busy dual carriageway. That was to the north. To the south a fast running river which had taken many a human life and at least one canine one. I thought of dogs off their lead. I thought of the idiots on off road bikes I saw 2 days earlier. I thought how I had to get home. With panic overwhelming me all I could think about was leaving my wife alone to search while I raced home. The panic was so bad.

I tried to fight it but it was making me tremble. My breathing again shallow. My vision blurring. My wife had gone one way while I searched another. I wasn't really looking. I was just roaming. Then something caught my eye. I turned and up a slope in a densely wooded area I could see a black figure. Still. I was sure it was a deer. I called out but nothing. I then began to think it might be a tree or something but I walked that way any way. I started to calm and as I approached I could see it was the dog. But something felt wrong. Why was he still. As I called out he didn't move, didn't even look my way. He was rigid.

He was fine, unharmed. But the stillness and unresponsiveness meant I kept my distance. I just had a feeling he was going to go for me. He looked spooked. He looked frozen by fear. Instead I went to lead him by his lead but it was tight. He was trapped. I followed the lead and felt spooked myself. It was snagged on a stump. But not quite snagged. To me it looked tied. That bothered me. There was no one around but it looked tied. Later I would wish I'd videoed it or taken some pics but I was too spooked by the silence and stillness of the dog. When I told my wife she looked and noted the knot and also noted it was not there before as she had unravelled it before giving it to me as she always does. Of course it probably knotted of its own doing but it's never happened before. Also the lead had come off a few times as its designed to do that. It's a strange well but I'm just glad it all ended well without me running off. 

157 Vaccine

 

" Vaccine "

In years to come people may look back on today as the turning point. Today a vaccine for covid19 was announced and we all celebrated. Its what we gave craved. And if it has a Ronseal moment then it could very well be a historic day. A day where we moved metaphorically from the shortest day towards the longest again. I do really hope this is the turning point.

I will say I am a little skeptical though or at least not without concern. It bothers me that as soon as one vaccine appears suddenly there are several others. We know this is a lucrative business and as such all concerned are desperate to be the main dispenser. It concerns me also that it's impossible to predict long term effects. It worries me that the young who are virtually unaffected might be forced to inject something which might have a detrimental affect later in life. I'm just not convinced this is the turning point. I sense a whiff of short term plaster about this. I hope I am wrong. 

156 Crucifix

 

" Crucifix "

This is a weird one for me to talk about but here goes anyway. A couple of things. First off a month ago to the day I posted about how my chain had appeared on the floor unbroken but with the St Christopher missing. That pendant still has not surfaced despite disappearing in a small space and probably never will. I should say from the day my wife bought me that chain over 2 decades ago it has remained unharmed around me neck until a month ago. Also like I said yesterday I am not religious. So this is a bit of a strange thing to right about as I still do not have a religious atom in me.

But I am drawn to things like a magpie. Compelled even. In the last month I gave been continually drawn to a Crucifix in the mantelpiece despite it holding no symbolism for me. I feel drawn to it and also feel a gap around my neck needing filled. This though has always been the wrong shape to fit any gap in my life. Yet I feel drawn to it. So much so when I prayed for help I told myself I would wear it if I got what I asked for. And so now u wear it. I asked my wife who it belonged to and she was not for and when I uncomfortably asked if I could have it citing my reasons why she was OK with it. 

Again I gave to say I am not religious and as such there is a part of me that feels uncomfortable wearing a crucifix. At the same time though I feel a need to wear it for another reason. When I said I prayed I was not down on my needs, hands clenched and head tilted to the heavens. It was instead a mental internal request. To be honest I find it all a bit confusing. It's at odds with my inner self but at the same time there would have been more internal conflict not wearing it. Maybe in time things will become clearer.