Strange Christmas

  

It's been a strange old Christmas for sure if for nothing else because I spent it with my family. If someone had told me a year ago I'd be doing it then I would have assumed another recovery and I'd gone up North with them. I wouldn't have thought we'd be spending it at home. Certainly not have expected it to be in isolation on the eve of a lockdown with a daughter carrying a virus guilty of causing a pandemic. This is how it was.

Strangely as it turns out it was the best Christmas for a while. We had none of the usual dramas with the kids seemingly happy with their lot. And at least it was enjoyed together. Usually I am alone and although I never say it I do feel alone. But while it was fine for me and the kids it was hard for my wife. Its her first Christmas without her mum and wanting to spend it with her dad and sisters she was instead absent.

It is what it is though. I hope the people who couldn't spend this period with loved ones can do next year. It's been tough for everyone but for a large number it will be Christmas without people gone throughout the year. I hope there are better times ahead for them. 

Eve

It's Christmas Eve in all but name so I'll keep it short. It's been a real lazy day only venturing out to walk the dog. It feels minus out there but not enough to turn white. It's day 7 of our isolation and thankfully still no symptom for any of us but oldest girl remains confined to her room.

And the big news is that Brexit now appears to be over. A deal has been agreed but I am too tired of it all like everyone else to know if its good or bad. Some kind of end is good enough for me. I am hopeful in time it will serve us both well. We are an island and as such should not be administered by the main land- on my view. But that is no reason not to work together for our mutual benefit and hopefully in time that is what will happen. 

Positive

 

My wife was all ready for work. She has a second job now working for the same company as our daughter but not in a care home. She had collected the car and dressed to go when after disappearing to see the oldest she returned to say the oldest had received a positive covid result. The day I have been dreading. As always the test was Friday so she has been positive for at least 4 days at that time. The message said we all must isolate. Its the second time of forced isolation but the previous time there was no positive test at our end at least.  

I won't lie I am not good with these things. I got a bottle of malt for my birthday at the start of the month and so poured one dram to take the edge off. It did its job. My wife had to cancel her shifts and arrange for someone to pick up the car. Our daughter was due in work that night but obviously can't which has upset her. Right in time for Christmas too which has put my wife's plans up in the air.

This is the news we have been dreading yet expecting. Track and trace said isolation starts from Monday so we are indoors until the 29th. So they say but I'm not having it. My daughter was tested before she finished work at 8 am on Friday. That for me is day one, the 18th, so 27th is when it ends all going well. It looks a long way off now. 

Aside from that though the main thing is we all stay safe. My daughter appears fine and we are taking all the precautions but I fear she is going to be harder to contain than her sister. As of today she has shown no symptoms so I'm hopeful the test is wrong. We have all been OK too so far. Its just the worry of it. It is definitely going to be a Christmas to remember for a mixture of reasons. 

Family

  

It is a testament to just how cluttered and out of date our pinboard is in the kitchen that when I decided to de-clutter it I found lots of old things buried within. Mostly there are old take away menus from places no longer trading and bills long paid as well as information no longer relevant. Its easier to pin up than take down it would seem. There are even some old newspaper clippings. Not really anything of note, worth keeping or really making a blog post about.

Except that is for the drawing above. I'm 90% sure my younger girl drew it. I don't know when that was but given the boy has a milk bottle here and is at high school now I'd guess at least 8 years ago. Oh to go back to those days when things were simpler. It's a great drawing which says more than I could write in a small post- for example why the artist in question is angry while the rest are happy. But I won't. There is a point I think where you have to keep things private and that is that I wanted to say in this post. There are things going on in this little family unit and more with extended family that I won't go into despite being factors in our life at the moment. I guess my point is that I just wanted to say is that the picture I paint here is not the whole picture and I think that is generally the case with all bloggers. Sometimes the picture is better than the truth and the words behind it. 

Deer

 

Out walking today today again with my wife and the dog to our usual quiet place. It is so calming. Sometimes I am reluctant prior but usually glad when I am out and reluctant even at times to return. But in terms of blogging there is not a lot to say about a quiet gentle walk in which nothing happens and certainly not for the 4th, 5th or 10th time. It is though all that broke up an otherwise slow deer.

Perspective is a strange thing. Even now I cannot understand why a big glowing moon before me looks like a pinprick behind the lens. Likewise with wildlife. I see so much, snap and later look back to find nothing. Take this deer. Its OK but should be much better. This is blown up and still not clear. Yet to the naked eye it looked maybe 20ft away. We were separated by a small stream so it didn't panic and instead just lazily observed me knowing I could do it no harm. The dog didn't bother it either. 

I miss my camera. I'm hoping soon to start using it again. Obviously not for here until I've finished my 365 thing but in time. So many wasted opportunities. 

The first day of a new era

  

First I would like to apologise for so many dark posts. In truth as bad as they were they did not even touch the surface. I had to delete some things at times because they were so bad. What I have been going through mentally cannot be put into words. I cannot convey my mental state sitting awake in the dark with too little sleep tormented by worry. It was my intention last week to delete this blog because I could find nothing good to say and I saw no point in just dumping my negativity daily. Such a dark place. I do though talk of this in the past tense.

I am not religious but I was desperate and so I prayed. Its something desperate people do. I prayed to someone, not a god, for just one break. I didn't ask for a lottery win nor an anxiety free life. I just wanted one helping hand to at least have a shot at turning things around. All I asked for was what a stranger told me a few weeks ago I was entitled to. That didn't mean I would get it. In fact it was highly likely I wouldn't even though other people were. But I prayed for it. I would say there are thousands of people with worse problems and I tried to remind myself of that but it was 

What did I want? A small income to aide me while I tried to recover. In 2017 I felt I had recovered 90%. I felt I was close to being agoraphobia free as I had no panic related to being away from home and felt I could travel anywhere- not by public transport but that was no agoraphobia related. I went from that recovery which took a few years to about 10% recovery in a few months. There was one factor in that and that was the DWP stopping my ESA payments. I could go on but won't. That was the issue so I prayed for these to be reinstated. 

They have been reinstated. I feel like someone has had their foot pressed on my windpipe for 4 years. I have wanted to recover, feel I know what it takes, almost got there before but have had money problems preventing me moving on. I just wanted that problem removed long enough to allow me to do what I need to get progressing through recovery again. Getting my ESA was vital to that and looked impossible but somehow its there again. Were that not good enough I have also had what I was owed backdated. This is quite incredible as it means I can clear most of the debt which has been hanging over me for over 15 years. It was a real emotional rush unlike any I have felt for a long time. My wife said she actually noticed a physical change in my face as I realised this. It was like all the strain and stress if the past 4 years relaxed in one moments. 

The pic above is the view from my living room window. I see it every day and it rarely changes but now it's different. It's brighter and better. I can breathe for the first time in a long time. There is this empty threat still lingering like an impression but that will go in time. I can breathe. I am in a state of happiness which is unfamiliar. And the kids can have Christmas too which is another bonus.

I look out the window and it really does feel like the first day of a new era. Its the start. In January I will commence my cbt again and with the walks I am sure I will get back to where I was. This time though I don't have that threat hanging over me. This time it cannot halt my progress. I prayed for a break and I got one. Now its up to me to take this gift and move forward with it. That is what I plan to do. 

The regular income helps but it was actually biting a huge chunk out of my debt that has changed things. It is not worth going into detail but it really dragged me down this past 4 years because for the first time I had nothing in my account to pay the minimal repayments so was having to get my wife to help. Being able to squash that means that I will not be in that dark place ever again because even if the DWP stop my money we can still get by. Obviously now my wish is to recover and start making my own money so I don't have to rely on anyone other than myself.

Times ahead are looking better personally. I really feel this time I can get to the summit. Everything is now in place to do that. One step at a time though. 

Reading

 

A brand new Kindle long overdue. My last was my mum's old one and it was on its last legs. It was actually putting me off reading because the display was slow updating and a bit foggy. So much so that the last 2 books I read were paper copies, old style. But now I have a new ereader. It felt nice to unbox something new for myself for the first time in a long while. I do appreciate it more. The irony is it had nothing to do with my improved financial state. I had earned a £50 Amazon voucher playing games which was to go toward Christmas presents but no longer required. And I got another voucher for my birthday.

I feel like a kid with a new toy. There are a few books I really wanted to read and with the excess from the vouchers I can get some if those too. Also though not having to play these games to earn vouchers now means I have time to read. That is all part of recovery in its own way and I look forward to it. 

Lost

  

As I said previously my wife and I have been taking the dog places where we are mostly alone which has been good for us all. Above is the "secret garden" which is not secret really of a garden but all locations need a reference point and that is the name we have given it. Here the dog runs around with a long training lead tailing him. It's flat and easy to keep an eye on him with the only concern passing trains to the top right. There is a fence but I'm not sure there are no gaps and as he has a tenancy to run full pelt at moving vehicles it unsettles me a little do I don't let him go too far.

The other day we followed a high path we had never been to explore. It was off the beaten track but not enough to make it impassable. All good until the dog disappeared. Two things followed. As I looked about a big male deer went charging past my vision but still no dog. Then finally on the main path I saw the dog charging past. I shouted and he heard but could not locate me so vanished. For 5 minutes my wife and I searched with no luck, it felt 10 times longer. Panic set in.

My fear was he was gone. My fear was in his fear he would keep running petrified and lost. Then other fears. The train line- I thought back to that day a deer ran past me and out in front of a moving train chased by a dog. Within 5 minutes walk a busy dual carriageway. That was to the north. To the south a fast running river which had taken many a human life and at least one canine one. I thought of dogs off their lead. I thought of the idiots on off road bikes I saw 2 days earlier. I thought how I had to get home. With panic overwhelming me all I could think about was leaving my wife alone to search while I raced home. The panic was so bad.

I tried to fight it but it was making me tremble. My breathing again shallow. My vision blurring. My wife had gone one way while I searched another. I wasn't really looking. I was just roaming. Then something caught my eye. I turned and up a slope in a densely wooded area I could see a black figure. Still. I was sure it was a deer. I called out but nothing. I then began to think it might be a tree or something but I walked that way any way. I started to calm and as I approached I could see it was the dog. But something felt wrong. Why was he still. As I called out he didn't move, didn't even look my way. He was rigid.

He was fine, unharmed. But the stillness and unresponsiveness meant I kept my distance. I just had a feeling he was going to go for me. He looked spooked. He looked frozen by fear. Instead I went to lead him by his lead but it was tight. He was trapped. I followed the lead and felt spooked myself. It was snagged on a stump. But not quite snagged. To me it looked tied. That bothered me. There was no one around but it looked tied. Later I would wish I'd videoed it or taken some pics but I was too spooked by the silence and stillness of the dog. When I told my wife she looked and noted the knot and also noted it was not there before as she had unravelled it before giving it to me as she always does. Of course it probably knotted of its own doing but it's never happened before. Also the lead had come off a few times as its designed to do that. It's a strange well but I'm just glad it all ended well without me running off.