Communion

What I know about religion you could fit on the back of a stamp. No interest in it. Resisted it when it was thrust upon me. Just not for me. Each to their own though. People kind it in their lives and it helps them, nothing wrong with that at all. As long as people keep to their own beliefs and it serves them well the world will be fine, its just when they start thrusting it on others it becomes a problem. That is what happened in my case. I was brought up to think I was a protestant by parents who married in a registry office and never went to church. Yet was shoved into a little boys' sect by the name of "The Shipmates" and later "The Boy's Brigade" and in the process of that frogmarched to church every Sunday which I hated. Partly I detested it because I had no interest in it and it didn't make sense to me even at that age. Also rebellion flared because I was wise enough at that age to see how hypocritical the situation was. So eventually I got my way but not for a couple of years all told and in that time avoided church like the plague even though at the brigade nights when we had to say whether we had been at church or not I was made to think a god would strike me down every time I said I hadn't- couldn't lie as there was only the one church.

But really my family are not religious at all. Going back there is ambiguity as to even what religion by grandparents were and it was not something that was discussed often if at all. The only one was an old aunt- and it was she who frogmarched me to church. She attended every day. And she did get something from it. It was most likely down to her losing her husband a few weeks after marriage and having to bring up her son alone in tough times. When my brother was due to be born, I was 5 at the time, I was shipped off to Glasgow to stay with her for a week. Every night I was made to kneel at the end of the bed and repeat each line after my aunt of 'Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep' until by the end of the week I knew it without prompting. I still know it now, its only 4 lines, even though I have had no cause to use it:

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
If I shall die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take.

I used to go to bed scared. Didn't quite understand it at the time but talk of death before going to sleep and maybe not waking up and giving away my soul really freaked me out. So much so that I used to do my own little improvised prayer to a god saying I didn't really mean it and please don't let me die before I wake up. Sounds daft now but it did really scare me at the time. I couldn't wait to get home.

So when I had my own kids I had no intention of religion being in their lives but that was going to be a problem seeing as my wife is a church going Catholic. I felt though it was my job to compromise so I agreed to marry in a Catholic church which was not a problem to me but did bring problems on my side of the family. The only problem I had was it made me a liar. I didn't know I'd have to sit in a cold parochial house and agree to a priest that I would bring up my children a certain way and do this or do that. All of which I agreed to and had no intention of doing because otherwise the chances are there would have been no wedding at the church. And that was the same for the children when they were baptised. I also agreed they could be brought up Catholic but only if when they were 16 years old they were not forced to follow and were allowed their own free will to choose their own path. My thinking was to make an informed decision they have to experience what they are deciding on and as I was not religious then they would gain that experience following my wife's faith until they were old enough to make their own choice which would at least be informed.

I was OK with it at the time but as they have grow older its starting to become a little problematic, though not overly. My youngest daughter said to me the other day: "Doesn't god love us daddy?". How do I answer that one? I don't want to lie to them but don't want to confuse them with my own beliefs. A white lie, like if they asked whether Santa exists. Better a little lie than confusion. And as they go to a faith school they get some homework which is religion orientated. Not only can I not help them with that given my limited knowledge but that is where I put my foot down and refuse to. I am growing increasingly uncomfortable with it- all the talk of god. Conflicting thoughts in the head.

Anyway, all this is was to say that the top photo is of my oldest daughter in her communion dress which is apparently a big event. A friend of my wife gave her it and it is beautiful- must have cost a bit of money. So she was in her element trying it on. I think the grandparents are coming through for the day. To be honest I am not sure because I don't really take an interest as I say.

Beary

Beary, at the top. The boy's bedtime friend. Won't sleep without beary and tucks him in before he goes to nursery. The image is an indication of my lack of outside activity this week. Not been out much at all. Its not being lazy. More to do with tiredness and overdoing it. I could have done with my own little beary to help me sleep. No matter how late I'm never tired enough yet too tired when I wake. This is where I think the time anxiety comes from. Anxiety over the time on the clock and how long is left in the day. In fact that could be the root of by daily general anxiety as unlike most who after waking at some point feel refreshed and tire as the days goes on I start very tired and wake up from tea time to late evening. Come midnight I am at my most awake. I think when the time comes for work I'll have to go for a night shift. Its like jet lag. I think my body clock works in the wrong time zone.

At the start of the week I pulled something in my shoulder which came with its usual good timing. When I got up it was a bit painful but more uncomfortable. My wife had decided it was time to swap bedrooms. Rightfully she is worried about the kids and the damp in their room so wanted them swapped over. I said to leave it a day as my shoulder was a problem. As usual she said she'd do it herself then. So discomfort with a guilt trip versus more uncomfortable and anxious. Well I ended up with both.

I told her if she was determined to go ahead with it then she'd have to realise it would take more than a day to do. So if she was determine to go ahead the best thing to do would be move everything but the bed. That way we'd all be assured of a bed that night and the following day the two of us could dismantle, move and re-assemble the beds together. She didn't reply. Ten minutes later she was in the hall pulling a mattress from the bedroom. Twenty minutes after that when I went through she has started dismantling the bed. So I was roped in. So determined was she to see the delight of the kids at having a new room to sleep in she went ahead doing it her own way. By the end of the day I was knackered and that night as I predicted we all slept on mattresses. There was no big show for the girls. The day after it was all done.

It was good to get some activity. It did have a knock on affect with my walks. But it was probably better exercise that I needed. The second day was easier than the first which is how it should be. I was sorest two days after. I get frustrated though. I expect to be able to do things I could do before. This is an aspect of my problems which could be anxiety or might not be and how it all started with tiring very easily. To be honest most of the problems I had with the beds were not to do with lifting or anything requiring strength but from bending for long spells and stretching. What I need to remember that although age isn't a big factor it is a factor. I am 40 now not 20. My body is going to react differently. But the biggest factor is how inactive I am so obviously any activity is going to be more difficult than it is for someone active.

But it is linked to anxiety. Its an anxiety cycle of sorts. And as I said its how its started. Activity leads to getting tired quick and out of breath and shaky. Feeling that way makes me anxious. Because it gets me anxious I tend to avoid it if I can. Activity then becomes harder and gets me in that state quicker and makes me more willing to avoid any more. And so on.

I see how in the past this came to be. I was going to the doctors because I was get tired so quickly. I was noticing it a lot more. I got tests and no problems were found. Then the anxiety. I think the anxiety wasn't just the tiredness and lack of energy but more from the fact not only did I not know what was happening to me but the doctors couldn't find anything physically wrong with me either. They were only too pleased I suppose when I stopped going because it was proving futile.

And so it continues. The only way to break the cycle is by getting more active- on my own terms. Not a long period of inactivity then a short burst of activity that proves to much for me and just re-enforces my desire for avoidance. Acceptance that at the moment I'm not as capable as I used to be. Build it up slowly.

Obscure reflections

A flurry of dreams in the past few days. Not enjoyable, not nightmares. Similar to ones before. Dreams imitating life. I parked in a car park and far in the distance was a massive shopping centre from where I was brought up. There was a pub and I went in to meet my mum there and she showed be a staircase. We went up about 10 flights and then at the top through glass doors. It was like a large corridor shaped like when you board a plane but glass all round and hundreds of people going back and forth. We walked to the end and more glass doors. I could already see all the shops and all the people- the shopping centre. My mum explained that you could get to it not only via the pub but through lots of different buildings in the area. All roads lead to commerce.

And then a realisation. What if I panic? Jeez, how will I get back. My mind tread back through doors, corridor, doors, stairs, car park and then drive. Too much. Panic. Uncontrollable panic. So much so I woke up. This happens so often. I am in a dream doing mundane things and then suddenly I am aware that I am a panic merchant and it all kicks off. Rarely does it wake me but this one did. It took me a long time to calm after and I think the only reason I did was it was early and I managed to drift back to sleep again. But it shows how much panic is on my mind, the fear of it. And how that fear sparks off panic itself. Just like life. I wonder, or maybe hope, its there now to give me a chance to try coping with it in the safety of dreams. Maybe not. Regardless of where I am externally I am still mentally in the same place with the same fears. Maybe I just need a safer place to deal with them first. Maybe not.

The dreams are an obscured reflection of reality, or at least how it is pieced together in my head. A bit like seeing the world in a hall of mirrors where its familiar but not quite right. A bit like our living room reflected on the lamp above. The kids love it because they can see themselves and they do like to see themselves. They miss the reflection of the TV screen for that but this is better. I hate that lamp. Its making me edgy. I said in a previous post its not stable and leaning over like its going to fall. I think that is what is making me edgy: waiting for it to fall but it never does. Monstrosity that it is, all for the sake of a bargain.


Its been a very tiring week but I expected that. Not through any physical effort but adjustment. Kids back to school. Its a bit like dealing with jet lag. A new later to bed, later to rise routine had been established and then its back to earlies. It takes a while to adjust. At least a few weeks before it lifts. And that is not just for the anxious type like myself but my wife feels it too. Even the kids feel it until the evening when they suddenly explode into life too soon, too loudly and too frenzied.

Last week of holidays

Been looking at a lot of portrait photography and liking it- black and whites especially. So tried to recreate it with a lay attempt- ie take a snap and try to do the work in the dark room so to speak. But I liked it even though it wasn't what I wanted it to be. For my standard anway, hence the lead image. 

Its been the most lazy week I have had for a while. Not even been out except to put bins out and other little things. The weather has been atrocious. The gales have been blowing, the rain falling. Reluctantly at times having to put the heating on when we can take no more of the cold.

Last week of holidays for the kids which has made for a long one full of very long days. Don't get me wrong its no fun for them either. They got scooters for Christmas and longingly looked out the window each morning to see if the weather was good enough to get out- never was. But I've been finding it mentally tough. So much noise, fighting, arguing and huffs galore. It also created a bit of tension between me and my wife who is much more sedate and allows them to stay up later than I would like- sometimes as late as midnight. So it causes a difference of opinion. She is also less lenient with them which is why I have that "Mr Grumpy" mug.

We've had a few visitors too this week. A visit from my wife's father and older sister. Her older sister adopted two kids late last year and this is the first time I had seen them. Lovely looking kids. Still very young- both younger than our youngest. As usual mixed emotions. Good and bad. A "we can't stay and don't have time even for a cuppa" transpired into a visit of over an hour but I got through it.

One of the things the kids enjoyed about being stuck indoors was a colour in wendy house my youngest girl got from Santa. They spent ages decorating it with pens and paint- one side anyway. And had a lot of fun with it like here.

Such a shame. Just flimsy cardboard with a print on it. They would have been as pleased with the box it came in. I noticed a lot of stuff we bought this year was cheaply made. Quality really is a thing of the past when it comes to toys. Long gone the job of the toy maker in favour now of mass production cheap plastic junk with a higher profit margin. Honestly some of the stuff was beyond belief and won't last long at all.

A bit like a standing light my wife bought at the weekend. It was half price and had obviously been handed back. No wonder. The thing won't even stand up straight. So flimsy. I told her to take it back but she is determined to find a way to keep it upright. So its sort of hanging in a corner looking like it might topple over if you breathed on it.

New Year 2012

My family upped sticks and went north on Christmas day leaving me not only alone for most of the week but without a camera. Not that I was out and about much to take photos of anything. I have a mobile phone but the camera is crap on it and transferring is a pain. Add to that the lack of light at this time of year and its hard to get a photo that is in focus. I did take some but they were blurry no matter how steady I held the phone. One day I took a photo of our car park strewn with rubbish after gale force winds blow over all the bins but that was unusable. I also have the camcorder which takes photos but the quality is not much better than the phone.

The time alone started with difficulty but eased. This is always the way. Not much to note in that time. I should have enjoyed the silence because when the kids returned I was soon mentally climbing the walls again between the general din, crying, arguing, fighting, huffs, attention seeking and tale telling. They were here at the end of the year and we started the new year as a family.

A new day, a new year. New date, same old shit. Centred around the family meal to start the year. My wife spent most of the day preparing it and as always did a great job. Even the oldest sat down with us at the table despite being in bed for a couple of hours before it ill. She has been poorly the past few days and also has a cough like the boy. To be honest I wasn't much in the mood for a meal. Even at home I get very anxious having to sit at the table for a duration but I did it. A glass of wine helped. I was going to take a family photo around the table on self timer but we were all in our PJs, a lazy day as I said.

So this is just a token photo. A reminder of the day. Might as well enjoy it. My wife goes back to work this week and in a week's time the kids are back at school. Then it will be back to the grind. In the meantime I plan to work on my anxiety and try to get some relief this year. As I said yesterday the year ahead looks bleak for most of the nation. That is outwith my control. Anxiety relief is within my control. Sort of. If it was just a case of choosing then I would choose. But I want to be better by the end of this year regardless of what a mess the country is in and how that effects us financially. I'd like in a year's time to raise a glass and have real reason to toast the coming year.