Burnt out

I hate the British weather or to be more precise the Scottish weather as the rest of the UK, or some at least, have enjoyed spells of nice weather this past month as opposed to the wind, rain and cloud we continue to experience up here. From memory we have had two or three days this year where the weather was decent enough to sit outside and as June approaches in a couple of days that is pitiful. Its the kids I feel most sorry for because this has been another long 4 day weekend where they have rarely stepped out the door and as a result showing all the signs of cabin fever in their frenzied loud actions. That is off the back of many days and weeks holidays this past two months where it has been much the same. Normally my wife would take them up North so they at least had a garden to play in but with her knee still bothering her that has been out of the question.

There is frustration to be found in all things when idle. I've spent the last few days cursing Microsoft and their shitty browser off the back of the blogger problems. For whatever reason since blogger fell off the wall and was pieced back together again I've had problems commenting on some blogs under my own ID. Even when I go to my own blog it says 'Sign in' even though I am logged in. So I upgraded to Microsoft's latest browser, IE 9, which still didn't fix the problem. And to add to the joy I then found my 'publish' button wouldn't work- so I couldn't make new posts on my blog. Since then I have found out that this is a known bug. Great. It was long overdue but I have now finally punted Microsoft's Internet Explorer forever finding that blogging is much smoother under Google Chrome and Firefox. Bye bye Bill Gates.

I was feeling a lot of guilt yesterday because of some fortune- well for me. At the start of the year my dad promised to buy me a Kindle this summer after seeing how taken I was with my mum's. I said not to bother because my dad is forever stressed chasing work from week to week and needs every penny. But he was expected to get compensation for a claim at one workplace where he slipped on a loose tile and battered his chest on the top of a pole. He was in real agony and yet still had to work through the pain and breathing problems because he is self employed. But last week he was told the company had gone into liquidation and so there could be no claim. I told him it was OK but he insisted in giving me the money to buy a Kindle. I am very grateful but the guilt isn't worth it. He told me not to tell anyone which I take it to mean not to tell my sister who he had also made the promise to but will likely not get one and also my mum who probably doesn't know he's given away money they could be using elsewhere. On top of that there is my wife who rightly wants new windows and the loft floored so for me to spend £100 on a Kindle is selfish. True. Its complicated though. My dad likes gadgets. He would be annoyed to say the least if I used that money for anything other than a Kindle. This is something my wife accepts but is still annoyed- I can understand. But I think I have worked out a way to raise the funds for the loft flooring which she is pleased about so all well in the end but the guilt remains.

My dad came on Saturday much earlier than expected. It was strange. I've mentioned visits many times and how difficult I find them so apprehension and anxiety were the usual habitual stuff I experienced. In fact the apprehension was extremely intense this time around as it has been getting more and more. It might not have been helped by my brother coming too. I think I have spoke to him twice in the last two years and can't actually remember the last time I was him. I know he's only seen my three year old son twice. But its not as if there are problems between us as we get on very well. He just lives his life and I live mine- plus he never has a phone for more than a week. His presence though made me feel more anxious. As I said though it was strange because this past week I have found some semblance of acceptance of panic at home. Not that I predict it will stay or even last that long but it has been there. Where normally I would fear panic with visitors, running off to my bedroom and lying there in constant panic until they left I found this had eased. It is based on experience as it has happened more than once. But every time that thoughts came I seemed to say to myself: so what? If I panic and go to my room then I will just lie there, no big deal. They were expected mid to late afternoon but arrived well before midday with the kids in their pyjamas and me just in the door from scouting the streets for the cat who had gone AWOL. They stayed for two hours and although I was highly anxious it never ventured into panic. It felt like I was in control of those urges. So that was good. As I said it may not last but I am hopeful it is something I can cultivate. If I could learn to free myself from panic at home it would put me on good footing to start doing that outdoors because that would be a reversal of the process I went through to get here. I have been keeping a panic diary this last month and my last entry was 19 days ago which is a long time for me because that came after a period of almost daily panic and sometimes more than one a day. Panic though is one thing. Anxiety is still there as a constant but if I could lessen the panic then it may ease the anxiety.

What is becoming more and more evident though is the link, in my case at least, between anxiety and fatigue. Half an hour after my dad and brother left I was lying on the couch with my eyes shut unable to muster the energy to sit up. That was until the boy poked my in the eye and shouted 'wake up daddy!' in my face. No rest for the wicked. The fatigue continues regardless of rest. On Sunday I had over 10 hours sleep and today I had 8 hours sleep yet I am still very tired. What I have also noticed is what I feared a couple of months ago as depression is actually not. It is fatigue. Nowadays the fatigue is makes my eyes water probably because they are so dry and I feel like I have excess saliva which is no doubt down to the constant tension I feel in my face muscles when anxious. This creates an impression of being depressed when in fact inside I don't actually feel that but the ruse is strong and only now am I unmasking it. When I look beneath I feel burnt out with anxiety, there is only so much the body and the mind can take.

On fatigue I would just say there is another reason why I believe in my own case now without doubt it is anxiety generated. I have proved it. Take visitors as an example. There are times before hand I am so tired that I need to lie out but as soon as visitors are in I'm sitting up, moving about and feeling no fatigue at all. In many ways its at least partly a state of mind: if you constantly tell yourself you are tired then you will be. But also when I am really fatigued I get a notebook out and I rationalise everything. I get it all and question my logical and counteract it with alternative statements and try to find a level of acceptance. Not every time but a good few times I have felt the fatigue lift. I don't become a ball of energy. I just feel less tired and able to move about. Its freeing myself from the self placed burden of fatigue. As a good few people have suggested in the past this is why occupation works so well because you don't allow yourself the time for long periods of rumination over how you are feeling. I see this at the moment with my wife too. She told be the other night she was going to make a doctor's appointment to get tested for anemia because she should not feel this tired all the time. What she doesn't see is that she has only felt this since her knee operation. Not being at work and not being able to be as active as usual because of the pain and restricted movement has made her this tired. Also she is on pretty heavy duty pain killers which are tiring enough. And also the fact that not only us but the kids are at times very tired I think some boredom, lack of fresh air and this very dark weather where we rarely see the sun all contributes to feeling more tired than normal.

So we still sit waiting for the sun to break through. The week ahead is the same forecast as last and the week before that, etc. Depressing in its own right. But hopefully some time over the summer we'll get some good weather. In July the family are away for a week to a caravan on the coast with two aunts, grandmother and a cousin so I hope at least by then there is some good weather for them. For me though I think my weather system is more internal and rather than waiting for the clouds to part I have to blow them away myself life cobwebs of anxiety hiding away my happier self. On the front there is at least some optimism at the moment that better weather is on the horizon.

Stormy weather

The end of the world maybe not have come as predicted by one at the weekend but here at the top of this little island it has felt like it today. I cannot remember winds ever being as strong as the ones we have had today here in central Scotland and they are continuing through the night. Even the girls were crying when they came home from school because they were so scared. It was the noise more than anything. Our trapdoor to the loft has been rattling around and no doubt some roof tiles have shot off too. Yeah it looks like summer has arrived.

It sounded bad enough but when I took the boy down to the car this morning I didn't expect to be blown off the steps sideways- which I was. And with a grip on the boy's arm he was teetering on the brink of falling over as I dragged him down the garden. What started as a push from the side had me from a trot into a gallop to keep up with the driving force propelling me down the street. Pushed in the back and facing it was a smothering job. Great stuff. And I see quickly on its tail is some more volcanic ash courtesy of Iceland.

Weather aside it has been all quite here. The usual moans. Starting to get out for walks more again after a bit of a barren period. Looking back I see how even panic through visits is eased when I am more active. The nursery run has been a problem and tomorrow I will have to do it again after a two week lay off. Still not getting any easier and if anything getting more difficult as I have built up enough "episodes" now to make apprehension a touch away from panic itself. Still, it must be done.

I've decided though that actions only get you so far. In fact in my experience they keep the guilt at bay a little, ease the hopelessness. Attitude on the other hand makes the real difference but its not something you can just decide on. For example you can't decide to be more robust when panic still scares the life out of you because you will always be at the mercy of it. But I have found I can cope better with it depending on how strong I feel at any given moment. Like that epiphany moment I discussed a couple of posts back. I just all of a sudden felt stronger and more confident and so I was more able to cope with the anxiety symptoms and thoughts I was having at the time to the extent that they subsided. In fact from recording a lot of me recent experiences I see there is a good indicator of coping and that is fatigue- letting go lets the tiredness in as some semblance of peace within is found. Maybe attitude is not the right word. Confidence at least. Confidence built on being in touch with that inner strength and feeling bigger than fear. Its not easy to find but that one time I did I felt a difference inside like I was above it. It was like the panic was big crashing waves and usually I'd be just about keeping my head above water when they hit bit this time I was surfing above them. Panic, and anxiety, didn't stop crashing in but my stance had changed.

There was though something else I wanted to say on that which people have discussed many times. In this I see a purpose for panic. In this I see that were I am to achieve that stance more readily and regularly then I would be a better stronger person for it. I think this experience has made me more compassionate than I was before by a long way and that is something I will never lose. If from it I was also to come out a stronger person then as much as I don't want it at the moment I think I would then look back seeing it as a needed and worthwhile experience. Only though if I come through it. But maybe it was required. Maybe some force of nature, fate or whatever decided that I needed time for self reflection and to pass through challenges that would make my life in the end more enriched. I do think that were I ever to find myself panic free I would be a much stronger person for it than I have ever been in my entire life until now with a better idea of not only who I am but who I want to be. Well if nothing else its a better way for me to look at the current situation.

Epiphany

After writing down around ten simple lines today I had what I would guess is an epiphany. It was brief, it was good and it was as slippery as a bar of soap to hold on to. A brief collection of sentences I've read before in others' words but translated into my own. Their raison d'etre was as an anxiety reference. Some affirmations about what my understanding is and why not to get the fear. My own personal regurgitation if you will. But they are only words and without belief are nothing. With each read affirmations become just a repetitive reading process and the meaning behind them loses its potency to penetrate into the mind. Letters belonging to words belonging to sentences is what they become. That is why I think if you are going to refer to affirmations of any kind then they are better written by yourself. In this moment today though something clicked and it all made sense. It felt like a eureka moment.

It couldn't have come at a better time too because like most days these past months the hours are seeped in darkest thickest inky clouds I just cannot steer out of. Too heavy to blow away and to sticky to detach myself from. Its been, and maybe will remain for a time yet, a period of melancholy. So it was today and then suddenly click. There was a parting of the celestial seas above to let in the bright sun and I felt my mood lift. Maybe I was raised on high with it. All the nasty anxiety that was sapping me in my earlier stupor today remained but I felt above it, it didn't matter. Not that I was ready to book a holiday or pronounce myself cured but a moment of bliss, hope and realisation that although fleeting I don't think I can lose it and think I will find again. Its the moment I have been looking for. Like the first crack in the dam holding back my inner strength.

It dawned on me that its all about belief. That is fair enough but you cannot make yourself believe. It has to just happen. Belief in yourself. There is not cure. Its about accomodating the anxiety to the extent of living with it in the knowledge that you are stronger than it or above it. Its not something you can force. By whatever means you have to find belief that you can cope with the anxiety whether it be through a god, self help, medication or something else. Whatever reason leads you to the belief that you can cope will enable you to cope and without that belief you will continually be swallowed under. Not sure if that makes much sense but there it is. In a moment I believed I could cope and I believed I understood and it all fell into place and the anxiety remained but was no longer a problem. I was bigger than it and my inner voice was louder than that negative little voice that usually dominates my thoughts drowning it out to a whisper. I felt free somehow like all the shackles had snapped off.

But then there is the mind. There is definitely a duality within which makes it very difficult to hold on to belief for long because the mind says differently. Automatic thoughts: you can't cope, you are breaking down, there is no future, etc. Its a twisted sod. It is the evil inquisitor with his many devices of torture to our heresy of truth. And that is what started to drag me back down. I started to feel ill and the voice within kept telling me I was ill and that I should be worried. On reflection I see it was fatigue. So much fatigue since I started those drives and I see the process now. Anticipatory anxiety for me is a tense state, during the drives the anxiety levels fluctuate between very high to panic and then afterward always fatigue. I said previously that I felt no relief after the drives and I didn't mentally but physically I must have. Hours of tensing up prior in apprehension, adrenaline overload during and then the release afterward allowing the fatigue to flood in during the letting go of tension. This was all I felt today. I had the anxiety/panic all morning, a moment of clarity and then was able to let go leaving me feeling lethargic and tired.

Today I called off my drive to pick up the boy from nursery because I felt so panicky and that looming over me wasn't helping. It was my only drive of the week as well but can't be helped. I've plenty more to come before the summer holidays. Last week was good and bad with the drives. I only had three to do. On the Monday I had a real hard time getting in the car but once I was on my way the anxiety eased until I found a full car park at the other end and panic whacked the bell like a "High Striker" and sent me fleeing much to my wife's disgust. Sorry, don't know how many times sorry before I admitted that I have nothing to be sorry for. Guilt goes hand in hand with perceived failures. The next day I just couldn't do it. I spent the day on a Boneshaker and just couldn't even contemplate doing it. On day three though I got myself together, gritted my teeth and just did it. A successful drive like all fortysomething successful drives before. Exposure certainly doesn't get any easier when you are not able to handle the anxiety. Its no different from dipping an arachnophobe into a tank of spiders over and over when they still have the fear and hoping that eventually that fear will go- it doesn't. You have to lose the fear before you can do the exposure so my school runs are all arse from elbow.

Apologies for the lack of updates. Three weeks have passed and not only have I not been posting here but also not frequenting my usual haunts. Its just been a bit difficult getting my head together. I didn't fancy much posting any of that stuff to depress other people and wasn't much in the mood for reading. But I hope to post more frequently now and getting around the blogs again. That is my hope anyway but life and anxiety are never predictable. But I feel more optimistic after the latter part of the day today and I hope to have more of that.