Synchrodestiny

A few nights ago I was sitting reading a book on the sofa in the evening after the kids had all gone to sleep. My wife as usual was manning the controls to the television and unearthing all sorts of background annoyances. I was then aware at some point that she was watching a film. I knew the voice straight away and looked up to see Robin Williams looking a bit like someone you wouldn't leave alone with your kids. "One hour photo" was the name of the film. I knew this even though I've never seen it. At some point in the past I lifted up the cover in a DVD cover in a shop and somehow it stuck. I used to browse and buy lots of DVDs.
I had no wish to put down my book which I was enjoying to watch a film I didn't fancy so continued reading. As is always the case though I was getting pulled in and distracted which leads to me reading the same sentences over and over again. The Robin Williams character was in some sort of eating area talking to a woman and she was enquiring about a book he was reading. Then he quoted a line:

"The things that we fear the most have already happened to us."

I didn't take that from memory as I will explain in a minute. The quote struck me as quite profound and I started to relate it to my own fears. It struck a chord. Not having anything other than a rough idea of the quote the next day after a google search I found the quote on IMDB as it was listed as a main tagline associated with the film. It then took a bit longer but finally I found out the quote was a attributed to a man named Deepak Chopra. He sounded interesting. I had a look on amazon at his books and one struck me straight away by the name of Synchrodestiny. Its all about how you can make synchronicity and destiny work for you. It has me intrigued, I may yet buy it. But it wouldn't have even entered my mind to buy it had it not been for the film being on in the background one night.

Anyway I found myself on a blog by an anxiety sufferer today and read through the first post. Unfortunately I cannot remember the name, not a regular haunt. Within the post I read something about "Vata Dosha". I had no idea what this was but just that its description sounded like me. As I read on to the end I noticed there was a link to take a quiz relating to this and so I clicked on it. I was pretty bemused to find it opened a window to the site of a man named Deepak Chopra. Yes the very same man. Someone who wrote about synchrodestiny who I had never happened upon before had suddenly cropped up twice via one line from a film. Synchronicity at least. Destiny? Not sure.

High seas

.

Six or seven years ago I awoke in the dark of night. I lay there for a few moments as I swayed. Sitting up in the bed when my head started to spin and I felt the desire to lie back down again. But I had to take a look so I pulled back the small curtain to view the terror outside. Rain lashed, wind swirled and the waves smashed. It was a storm and despite the bulk and size of the vessel we were in it was being thrown about like a cat playing with a mouse. It reminded me of Galleons lost in the high seas in books I had read. With the curtain pulled back I could see my wife to be, then. sleeping soundly. I lay back and tried to sleep but most of the journey over to the Rotterdam was sleepless.

The peaks and troughs of the stormy seas is much like my day today. It has really been a moment of high and a moment of low as the yo-yo continued all day. But better than one big low. If we have anxiety in our lives on a daily basis this is something we are accustomed too.

Most of the day was good. I rose early and watched the kids till my wife finally rose and overall coped well- sad analysis to have to make watching your own children but true. Throughout the day I had ups and downs though which I think was partly down to the kids with their cabin fever hitting the highest notes possible and bouncing off of every wall continually. More accurately the up and down was my level of coping with it without letting my emotions dictate.

When my wife's friend came round I was fine for an hour then was hit with sudden panic. The oldest girl was being extremely irritating to the point where I would normally blow a gasket but as there was company there it all welled up inside of me. I pleaded for her to calm down but she just kept at it and at it and at it again. Smiles, anger, agitation, more smiles, more anger, spiralling, out of control.

Somehow I did control the panic but for about a 10 minute spell I was constantly filled with thoughts of fleeing. When the friend went my face ached, my shoulders ached and my back was killing me. All tension but it does not just go. It is like my body is tight and won't slacken for a long time after. Can't make the body loosen through thought like lifting a hand or blowing a kiss. Think- do. With tension its: think- two fingers back in return. At the point of panic I was actually getting a pain close to my left armpit on my chest which made me worry further.

It is not the kids fault. Spending all day in a small flat is no life for them and to get excited when someone comes around is nothing short of normal- as is to show off at that age. What is the problem is my reaction to it. I have to learn to handle that better. I do try but fail every time.

I didn't go for a walk but did put some stuff outside so at least there was a little exercise and a little exposure to the outside without crumbling to dust. There was little problem in going for a walk but for once my wife wanted to order food in so I didn't want to spoil it with feeling bad after a walk and ruining my appetite through anxiety. I'm full up not but it's too late, 23:05, to go for a walk now.

Tomorrow my wife is taking the kids away for a few hours to my sister who has just had a baby. I'll go for a walk then and hopefully top that up with another walk at night. Then it will be all about settling down those hyper little souls as they wait for the big beardy bloke to come down the chimney we don't have. Happy days.

In the dark

I've been doing my best to go out and walk again. In order to do so after a long lay off I have tried to be smart about it. I must confess though that tonight I have not gone for a walk and as I sit here at 20:50 struggling to keep my eyes open I can safely say tonight it won't happen. But I will be back on the ball tomorrow. I do not want to again go too long in between before the rot sets in again.

When I say I am trying to be smart I mean I am trying to give myself the best chance. So for the walks I have thought about the best time to go. When I wake my body is in knots and it takes the best part of the day to unravel them. So later seems best. Also at times I have a bad recovery after walking so it is best that happens later rather than having to endure it for most of the day. It is quieter then too and apart from the odd group of kids or drunk its a more pleasant time to go. So that is what I have been doing and once I am back in the rhythm of things again I will start going in the day too and at busier times.

To be honest I am surprised at how easy last night was. I managed to walk to the library which is a distance for me. Straight to it last night without a problem yet for many weeks at the begining I struggled to get there. So although physically I feel bad for the lay off it just goes to show my progress is not too far damaged. In actual fact only once in 22 weeks have I walked beyond that point which thus far is a one off.

The past two days have been very tough for me. I bring it on myself but for some reason just cannot help it but hopefully the next few days will be better. I have been looking after my 3 year old daughter and 11 month old son from 9:00 to 13:30. It feels longer and it is a bit because my wife leaves earlier than that and doesn't come home till well after that. Both days around 10:00 I've had a panic attack which I have luckily managed to keep in check but still not good. Mainly time and the feeling of being trapped constantly play on my mind while also the fear of having a bad attack while in charge of two young children with no help near at hand. For the rest of the week though my daughter is being picked up from nursery so it will for the most part just be me and the baby which should be easier- especially if he sleeps.

Those 5 hours roughly though seem to be taking it out of me and I think that is why I feel so tired tonight. Its not any effort but the mental exhaustion from continually fighting these thoughts in my head for that time really do take it out of me. On both days around 13:00 I have started to feel really awful in a way I find hard to describe but I now think that is tiredness. With my wife due in soon after I think my body around that time finally gives way to relax and the tiredness comes flooding in.

So I will be making a point of going out more and taking some photographs along the way to hopefully post. At the end of this week I will also start posting my weekly agoraphobia diary once again and see how I am progressing. Hopefully I will keep going forward once again.

Digital Camera

Back in 2000 I thought I was the bee's knees on my way to Amsterdam with my girlfriend (now wife). From Glasgow we stayed over night at a travel inn beside the London Eye before carrying on our journey aboard the Eurostar to Brussels and then on to Amsterdam for a few days break. At the time I was an IT contractor with more money than sense. The year previous we had been to Paris and on returning home eagerly awaited our snaps to find that majority were blurry- such a disappointment. So before leaving home I went out and bought the brand new Canon Digital Ixus which was amazingly small and took not a bad photo too. Though quite expensive at £500 it was not a problem at the time.

This little camera was brilliant. It could fit in my pocket without any trouble. Whenever I took it out I would have someone over at me asking to have a look at it. I felt like James Bond. And at night my girlfriend and I would go through the snaps on the digital screen deleting the ones we didn't need knowing when we got home we would have no crappy blurred snaps to printout.

As I said that was 9 years ago and the little camera is still going strong but I feel it is time it was given retirement. Obviously the technology is ancient now. Even my phone can take more detailed snaps. It also used Compact Flash which is almost redundant nowadays. But the real let down over the years was the battery. This doesn't last long. In the end I had to get an additional one for when we needed to use it and even that didn't give us much photo time. So inevitably it has found itself in a drawer in the kitchen and we have been mostly using our phones. The phones are actually OK outside on the whole but inside are pretty crap. I noticed looking back through the photos the other day how bad the ones are of boy's first birthday and with oldest girl's sixth birthday approaching thought to myself now is the time for a new camera. After discussing it with my wife I was given the green light.

So over the past few weeks I have been looking at camera reviews on various sites to see which one to get. Like in every other area of life I have been as indecisive as ever. Originally I had convinced myself that I could take up photography so should get a D-SLR but not only is it selfishly impractical for use by the family but out of our price range. So it looks like a compact digital camera is the best way to go. I've looked at a few of these and have whittled it down to two. Well actually I had whittled it down to one but I was given a recommendation the other day and after looking at it I was very impressed. Both cameras were the same price on Amazon the other day but one has jumped up £40 which puts it just beyond my budget but I could get it cheaper elsewhere.

What I am looking for from my new camera is better quality in low light. Outside in good light really takes care of itself. Indoors though and taking photos in late evening or on dark cloudy days there is a difference. So that for me along with the best image quality possible are the deciding factors for me. The trouble is I don't know if one is better than the other as both appear to be equally capable in those regards. The two cameras are the Canon Digital IXUS 980 IS and the Fujifilm Finepix F200EXR. If I went on reviews alone on Amazon the Canon would win hands down but its been out a while and the Fujifilm is just out. In two magazines I have looked at the Fujifilm has been featured and has been heavily praised for its image capabilities- its only let down seem to be the lack of features required for the serious photographer but there are none of those in my family.

Dark thoughts

For anyone suffering from anxiety and panic I cannot recommend highly enough the books of Dr Claire Weekes written over 30 year ago. Despite being written decades past they are still relevant today and in my opinion not alot of progress has been made since. Certainly nothing around for the moment, at £100+ or less, teach us any more than can be found in her books for a fraction of the cost. Having dealt with various doctors and psychiatrists they are no better informed either- less informed than the individual in most cases. For me these books are my only salvation and although I am not cured they have been my only help on the road to recovery. At the very least they are somewhere to turn when help, medication and all else is either not offered, not helpful or not available.

So I plan to post some of the philosophy. To start: dark thoughts. When suffering from anxiety and the like our mind can take us into some dark places because we become introspective and dwell on the negatives. Below are two passages from "Essential Help for your nerves" by Dr Claire Weekes which explain things pretty clearly. It does help though to have read the whole book and have a better understanding but for now please read the following:

UNWANTED THOUGHTS
Never make the mistake of fighting to be rid of unwanted thoughts; relax towards them, let them come, take them with you- but WILLINGLY- and see even the most shocking for what they are: only thoughts.

If you fight to forget unwanted thoughts, or try to replace them with others, you make the unwanted thoughts too important so that forgetting becomes more and more difficult. It is always difficult to forget on command, especially if mentally tired.

A lot of practice at accepting and working while accompanied by upsetting thoughts may be needed to change them into 'just thoughts' with no upsetting reaction, holding no fear. Without fear, thoughts that seemed to almost mesmerise can finally come to no longer matter. No longer mattering is the goal; not forgetting. One can never be sure of forgetting; memory is a great hoverer. However, if no longer mattering has been achieved through understanding and experience, one can depend on it with confidence.

Of course, from time to time, mattering will return. However when not mattering has been felt, if only for a moment, the mustard seed of confidence this brings will never actually disappear. As the sufferer pulls himself out of each setback by rediscovering not mattering, it becomes in-built and comes quickly to his rescue whenever setback threatens. The prize has been won.
STOPPING 'HORRIBLE' THOUGHTS ABOUT LOVED ONES
"My psychologist said I must stop these horrible thoughts coming. Is that the way to deal with my problem?"

No. While this man fears these thoughts so much, how can he stop them? He should, as I advise often, understand that THEY ARE ONLY THOUGHTS, HOWEVER HORRIBLE and let them come.

The write of the letter added that the thoughts were about those he loved and that it hurt so much to know that he could think this way.

So many nervously ill people have the most bizarre thoughts particularly about those they love, because his hurts most, and in a state of sensitisation and fatigue, a sufferer may deliberately probe to see how horrible his thoughts can be. This is so common in nervous illness, it seems part of the expected pattern. Its only significance in that the sufferer, being so suggestible, can't resist testing his own suggestibility. How cruel can he think? How crazy can he be? How much more is there to be frightened of?

As I so often say, a person suffering in this way should practice seeing his thoughts for what they really are: thoughts established, not because of their truth, but because of the intense, fearful reaction they bring to a sensitized body. And he should understand that they may return from time to time even after he has lost his fear of them. Habits take time to break. But when thoughts no longer matter, what harm if they do sometimes return.

With acceptance the time comes when the sufferer suddenly thinks gleefully, 'Those darn things don't matter any more! They just don't matter! It doesn't matter whether I think them or not!'. We lose upsetting thoughts by drawing their teeth, not by trying to stop their biting.

So from this I would lend my own take on it. Let us for a minute look at unwanted thoughts and how we deal with them. First off it is important to know one thing. Only we can change things. There is no medication or medical person that will take them away. In fact their presence is not the problem. But first we have to understand that it is down to us solely to deal with them and realise that no one and nothing else can do that.

The thoughts come but they are not the problem. The thoughts come because our minds are tired, we are suggestible and introspective. Our recent experiences give us so little positives that we look for more negatives without really thinking about it and where we look we find them. This is natural and is not a problem. The problem lies not in the thoughts but our reaction to them. Sure they shock and for anyone who has experienced such dark thoughts their frightening intensity cannot be underestimated. It would be wrong to underestimate their terrifying effect. But they are just thoughts. It is our own fear of these thoughts that makes them a problem.

So we cannot run as they never go and we cannot hide because they will will always seek us out. No one has a magic wand for us. What we must do is change our reaction to them and to do that we must let them in rather than recoil from them. When you let the thought in look at it and see it for what it is- an irrational thought. Don't be scared of it. Tell yourself that this happens to lots of people. It is horrible? yes but harmless? no. It is a thought. A horrible thought. See it for that and let it go. It will return and we must keep reacting in the same way. As already mentioned out fear is a habit and only by persevering with this new reaction will this become the new habit. With time this will be the normal reaction without having to think about it. The thoughts will still come but less frequently and with your new reaction less of a problem. They will then have served their purpose and no longer be of use so will disappear.

I hope this helps.