Priory

As I reach out further and for longer I am finding instances where I panic occurring less and less which is obviously a good sign as long as I am not avoiding things irrationally. Another indication that I have turned a corner is the lack of internal questioning every time I go somewhere new or do something different. It can still happen but less so. Probably though the biggest sign is that mostly when the questioning does start I am more inclined to accept than decline. I know the bad patterns which stem from reluctance and avoidance and its therefore important that I try not to shy away if I can help it.

There are times though when it does feel a bit overwhelming and I decided its better not to. In these times though I feel consumed by my own disappointment and mostly return to it with a plan of action at some point. The ferry crossing this year to Millport for example was something I declined at the first time of asking. Sometimes I just need to get my head clear and build my confidence first. I guess I need a backplan at the very least which is why anything where I cannot get out of quickly soon gives rise to panic and reluctance.

And so it was I found myself in this position earlier in the month. Of late I have been pushing myself out longer when going out for my daily walk and trying to find new places to go to or a variation on old haunts. One of these places was the ruins of an old priory which are believed to be around 700 years old. The priory sat on the edge of the River Clyde directly opposite Bothwell Castle- local legend suggests there is a hidden tunnel linking the two. I actually mentioned this only briefly 2 and a half years ago when I had only heard of the ruins without knowing where they were exactly or in what state they were in. Since then I had actually made it down there 4 or 5 times. I actually thought I had wrote about it here but I cannot find a reference to it. Too much media I suppose. I must have posted that on Twitter (long since abandoned), Facebook, Instagram or something else- I lose track. Anyway I'd been down a few times but there is not a lot left to see as illustrated above. That didn't stop me going back down though on my way to somewhere else. I should say I have seen old photos of the priory from over 100 years ago when there was a structure there and it stood out on its own. Today the little ruins that are left have been swallowed by the woodland in densely packed trees and branches making it a less than inviting place to go- more than once.

So I returned down there again on my way to somewhere else for no other reason than the fact I was passing something ancient that I don't see often and so should have a look. It was only a brief look and no need to get the camera out so I just stood for a minute staring at this old ruin of a wall when I was aware of movement in the corner of my eye. It was a guy with a bike shuffling his way down leafy slope. He had a big grin on his face: have you seen the carvings? I hadn't. I had in fact forgotten all about them. I remember when I first read about the mysterious ancient religious carvings at the old priory it immediately caught my attention. The wonder though waned slightly when I later discovered they were not that magical at all and not ancient but instead the work of a local man in the 1950s. Still though worth a look. Although I knew they were down there I had never found them and I had also read the path to them was a little dangerous. It therefore faded from my mind until this man appeared with a bike asking me about them.

What I thought was a plea was actually an invite. This lovely enthusiastic man started to tell me how he liked to cycle places and had by chance found out about these carvings on the Internet so had gone to look for them. It had taken him a number of times visiting the area to firstly find the priory and then another few visits more to finally find the carvings. Did I want to see them? It would be worth it, he said. Well of course I did so I followed him. The path went steeply down and I was struggling with my footing. He was too. I reckon he was in his 60s but with the energy and drive of someone a third of his age. Where a slip made me pause he gathered more momentum as he hopped and slid and jumped from side to side up and over. At the bottom of the slope I was starting to feel out of my comfort zone. I could feel panic rising. At this point he stopped and pointed to where we had to go down further, then across and then climb up a slope. Panic on the rise and with it my breathing starting to feel more shallow. This is where doubt occurs. This is where the internal questions increase and the volume of them increases to the point that it can get too loud to continue. As he spoke I found I was looking for a way out. I lied. I had to go as my wife was waiting for me. He looked disappointed that his enthusiasm and wish to show me something worthwhile had been cut short too early. I also could not risk a fall as I'd already fallen that day and dirtied my clothes. That part was not a lie. That morning after taking the kids to school I came home through the woods and saw deer and as I tried to take a photo of them I slipped down some wooden stairs into mud. I felt bad about lying to this guy who was doing me a good turn. Even now I wish I had been honest and just explained the situation. At the time though I just wanted a way out and not to face the panic. So I left and that was that.

The disappointment was never going to leave me alone and that was at least one good thing. I had thanked the guy for showing me the way so I had a mental map at least. That and the desire to rid myself of my own self loathing ensured that it was days rather than weeks before I returned and found the carvings. It wasn't easy. I am not just saying that from an anxiety view point but its something a lot of people would find difficult and more so alone. Panic did rise and finally did fall but its not something I will be repeating in a hurry. I think what got me through was knowing that the man who carved them beautiful works of art (stations of the cross) did this climb every day. I don't know the whole story but do know he distanced himself from the work if anyone passed my while he worked. It must have been a labour of love for him. And because of where they are situated it is probably why they are in such good condition today. Long may that remain the case. For me it was another lesson. Its still early days. The thing I must always remember though is not to beat myself up if I cannot do something first time and instead use that disappointment to wisely plan a new attempt. It felt worthwhile. Now to find something else to climb.

Highland getaway

It was six in the morning and silent but I was wide awake having woken and been unable to get back to sleep. Herein starts the snowball of negative thinking. A snowball: I am two hundred miles from home. There it starts. A holiday, I can't handle it, we have to go home, I've ruined it for everyone and so on and on and on some more. That is how my mind goes. To prevent that I usually get up and go into another room and even though that does not stop the level of anxiety from rising it does give me a little escape from the chatter. And these thoughts I see now are unresolved issues. These are the issues above ground waiting for me while I stand with my head in the sand and they loom when I come up for air. But at that time in the morning with nowhere to go to I had to just put up with it much as I had to do for most of the time I was in bed on that first overnight from home over a year ago. Eventually it calmed. It always does and I am pleased to say that when it did it never returned. I think I managed to accept it. I managed to accept that they were only thoughts and I was in no harm and all the bad things I thought would happen were not going to happen and if they did then it didn't really matter anyway. I accepted and it passed. Its all part of recovering. It is required. In order to get back into live I must go through these things and see they are harmless and on the whole untrue.

After our long weekend away in the summer, which was our first "family holiday" for the five of us, our intention was to try to get away again before the end of the year. This time we wanted to try to make it a little further. With the kids off for a week's holiday in October my wife and I decided it would be good to go up north. As her parents live in Perth, an hour drive North, it would be good to have an overnight there before a couple of nights further North and then Perth overnight on the way back. That would cover 4 nights so that was the plan. Inverness is known as the gateway to the Highlands so that was our planned desination. There are lots of places to stay there and as a base it would be perfect for some of the places we wanted to go. But this is us. Those unresolved issues I talked of stem from a lack of motivation when things need done. It happens with so many things. Its the reason why we are probably entitled to a PPI refund but while everyone else puts in claims we have sat for years talking about it and doing nothing. And so it was no surprise when my wife decided to book somewhere up north just before the start of the holidays that I heard disappointment after disappointment. Everywhere was booked. She tried other surrounding areas and all booked up too. The thing is its hard to get rooms as a party of five. In some of the Holiday Inns for example there were vacant rooms for four people which was fine with as as the boy could sleep between us but they would not allow it. An odd number and leaving it to the last minute meant after two hours of phonecalls our plans were up in the air.

Maybe it was fate though. If a room had been found or we had been allowed to occupy a room for four then the holiday week would have been very different. My wife had one last round of calls and after half an hour there was a bit of excitement. For me less so. I knew if something was found there would be no compromise and most likely something harder. I was right. When I heard my wife in the kitchen say to someone on the phone she would have to put them on hold and then I heard her come through to the living room I knew it was something I would not be particularly keen on. She could not find 2 nights in a hotel in Inverness but she had been offered 4 nights in a lodge in Invergordon. Was that OK? There were of course two sides to the offer. On one hand there was dread and on the other there was disappointment in four faces. It was either this or basically no holiday. I had to look at the maps as I had no idea where Invergordon lay. Jeez. Another bridge and further north- about 45 minutes more after Inverness. I really did not fancy it one bit but all I could see was a week of sitting in doors and the kid bored. How many times had they been away during a school break? Another break stuck at home. I couldn't say no even though every ounce of me screamed it. I have been doing well of late but 200 miles from home and away for 6 nights in total was really pushing me way past my comfort zone.

So that is how I got to lying in the dark at six in the morning two hundred miles from home. I was lying in bed with panic rising and all these negative thoughts. Aside from the fear of having to go 200 miles home in pani and the family missing out on most of the holiday we paid for I was wrestling with the strong feeling that I could in one stupid move undo everything. In my head I saw the panic and the long drive home and the continued panic at home followed by the reluctance to go out and the cycle starting all over again. That is the scariest part. I have lost a decade at least and I cannot return to the beginning again. In the dark with only the mind for company its hard to reason. The point is though, and that is where I have been going wrong, you don't need to reason. You have to accept it. You have to accept its a catastrophic thought rather than a certainty. And if the importance is lost then the fear generally dies. And it did. I have no idea how long I stayed awake that first morning but I did finally get back to sleep and it was a lot more sleep than that first overnight over a year ago. And although we planned to get up early each day what woke me up was something the week before I would have thought a joke: a rutting stag outside.

What filled me with dread turned into a fantastic holiday for the five of us. We travelled to Perth on the Saturday for an overnight and then up to Invergordon on Monday night where we stayed until Friday morning and back to Perth again. Our accomodation was great. We needed only the basics but the little lodge felt homely. There was constant heating and a veranda with a patio which I am sure is great in the summer. Outside there were deer, donkeys and Norwegian horses as well as a goose. The location was right off the beaten track and so it was dark and silent at night but for the animals. The park also has its only little loch with a little row boat on it. It was too cold to go out but it was a nice touch as the deal is if you walk by reception and there are oars outside you can taken them with you and bring them back later. We were also very lucky indeed with the weather as it remained mostly dry the majority of the time and on a couple of days it could have passed for summer. It didn't feel like winter was on its way.

As I said above the idea was to use our accommodation for a base and that is what we did. We had not strayed too far from Inverness that we could not carry out he plans we had originally. Mostly these were going to a seaside town with the same name as my son as he has always wanted to go there (his name has nothing to do with the town as it happens) and also to go dolphin watching at the most popular spot to see bottle-nosed dolphins in Britain. We did this and more really packing in as much as we could into the time we had. And we were so lucky. When we left we had still lots more things we wanted to do so will return and if we had only been there two nights then we would have missed out on a lot of what we did see. So we will return again and if nothing more Inverness itself is the focal point for the "North Coast 500" which is something I really want to do one do or at least in stages over time.

All in all it was a great break away and most importantly the kids loved it. Its a good sign that they did not want to come home and that was genuine. Although the lodges are in the sticks the site has a small bar which was very reasonable for meals giving healthy portions. We ate there two nights and the kids were full up both times then played pool afterward. We managed to visit the Black Isle which is not black and not an isle but lovely all the same. We even went to Culloden which is interesting from a historical point of view but I think it could do with a bit of upgrading. Too many places to mention really so I won't and instead finish with some photos instead. Even when the holiday was over we tried to extend it. Coming home we drove down the west side of Loch Ness (opposite side to going) and stopped at Urquhart Castle while the kids kept their eyes to the water on Nessie watch. And before arriving back in Perth we stopped off at Pitlochry which was busy and rather nice on another nice day. Originally we had also wanted to include "The Enchanted Forest" in our itinerary but that sold out quicker than our slow minds could cope with- next year for sure.

I will say though that if you can give your child a moment that brings a tear to their eye then its all worth it and although we hoped for that moment it was always going to be down to chance. One night we went to Chanonry Point on the Moray Firth to look for dolphins. The signs were not good. There were not a lot of people there and they looked disinterested. We hung around for about 20 minutes and then went for a walk up the coastline and back before heading back. It was disappointing. We saw one seal in the distance close to Fort George over the other side. My oldest has loved dolphins for a very long time but has no desire to see them in captivity so this was going to be her best chance of seeing one but not to be. We assured her we would return and we did but before that I did a search on the best time to have a chance of seeing them. It turns out that was high tide. My wife was they able to check the tidal times and we planned our visit to coincide with high tide. This second visit was completely different aside from the fact it was a beatiful warm day. We park the car and as we made our way to the shore we could see a hell of a lot more people. That was not the only thing. Several people were standing with cameras attache with massive zoom lenses on tripods. A good sign. But an even better sign I noted was at least 8 seals bobbing about in different areas. For me this meant there were fish and if there were fish bringing the seals in then there was a chance of dolphins too. And as I was thinking this I was making my way to was the shore quicker and setting up my camera when the shout went out: "dolphin!". For all the people on the beach it was my daughter who shouted and pointed and then had everyone following her finger. I didn't look but she said later that is when she felt the emotion take over and the tear roll. I just saw it and no more. We saw it briefly again a couple of times after but it was heading out on its own disappearing. I did not get a photo but that's OK. I would have loved one but how much I would have loved one of my daughter pointing and the dolphin in the background- would have been some miracle given she was behind me. But it doesn't matter. She has a picture in her head and that will live forever. In my own I had hoped it would be close enough that she could almost touch it but it was not and really it did not matter. She had her moment and that made the holiday worth it. And on top of that I think it would have left an emptiness if we had left and not seen a dolphin as she has been talking about it for years.

A good holiday then and hopefully more to come. That one early morning panic was the only difficult time I had the whole time we were away. Its another step in the right direction and if nothing else at least now I am able to be there for memories my kids will carry with them into later life. My mind has been racing since coming home as always but this time with more positive thoughts. I have been considering more places to go and hope that is something we can do as a family. Also though I have been considering work. I am almost there. Not quite yet but nearing it. I feel if I can get working and earning a wage then we can finally move on and put all this behind us. And as bad as its been there is also an upside and that is that we appreciate everything that we would otherwise possibly have taken for granted. All these things are new and that is exciting. After so long stuck in negativity I am looking forward to some better days ahead.