2021

 

Its around this time of year that my wife comes home from work with gifts and an indication that the year is coming to a close. My wife is customer facing as a receptionist where there are lots of regular customers and there tends to be generosity this time of year. Above for example is a box of 35 Tunnock's tea cakes which is not cheap. That was just one of the gifts. I feel I should send them down to my uncle in East Anglia as he misses some things from home despite being away for all the time I have known him. I'm not sure if its these of the wafers he misses though so maybe I'll have to eat them myself. When my brother was down earlier in the year he took some Stornaway black budding. My gran used to take down Lorne sausage, potato scones, shortbread and other things I forget know. That was though a time when things were hard to get, a different world. Nowadays there is very little you cannot get if you want it and have the funds. Makes me think of my first holiday abroad at Palma Nova and newspapers were always so a day or two out of date which is very different from now where you can get them with a click instantly on your phone. I digress.

I can't remember all the gifts my wife got but she did well and as I said it indicates the end of the year. It goes too quickly. 2021 has shot by like a rocket in much the same way as 2020 did. I see I am over the half century now and my wife is a few years ahead of me. Two girls at 18 and 16 with the boy turning 14 in a month's time. It is scary. But the feelings are mixed. I am sure I am not the only one who could not wait to see the back of this year- and last. It has been 2 years of misery for everyone and we can only hope that if not for ourselves then the generations below the future years are better. Right now no one can tell and that is the hardest thing.

I relate everything to myself. In that regard I feel its very like my first full blown panic attack which had me unable to go out the door. That was incredibly scary. Not only did I not know what was wrong with me but I could find no one to help me. It was, and still is, a very lonely place. More than that though was the uncertainty of the future. I did not know if I would ever get better. I didn't know if things were ever going to be the same again. Two years on almost from the beginning of Covid19 we are all still feeling the same way. There is fear around every corner and the future is really unknown. I am not recovered but I see many people who are recovered- many, many people. I feel even after all this time I can still recover too because I have had a taste of it. Likewise many deadly viruses have brought the world to a stop over time and every time the human race has bounced back. I don't see this time being any different. Like myself it may take longer than hoped but when the destination is reached it will bring with it an appreciation that has been earned and a resiliance that will make the time after better than those who never went through it. 

Setting

The year is setting like the sun above ever so slowly. My wife decided after being up North at the weekend to see her Octogenarian dad with the kids that they would not be returning to school. They all plan to spend Christmas and New Year up there so potentially exposing them to the new strain in that period when all they would be doing is watching videos and hanging about didn't seem wise. So it felt like the year closed earlier than normal as it also meant kids were up later and rising later. It has in effect felt like a string of weekends tied together. And for my part the year has also set as I have done very little and plan to do even less. I do though have further plans beyond that for the new year as we all no doubt do but mine involve establishing a routine which is missing in my life rather than specific goals.

For some reason on the day I turned 50 I felt the need to wear a shirt and dress a bit smarter. So I donned the first day with a shirt I had never worn and a jumper I had not worn either. Smartened up. And at one point that day the dog found something he should not have had. He wasn't for giving it up. I got a few dog biscuits and threw them down the hall with the hope being he would get them, I would shut the door behind him and remove the problem. But he is smart. He looked at where the treats were tossed, looked at me and then just launched at me. Shirt and jumper were binned as he ripped holes in both and I was left wondering what would have happened had I only been wearing one layer. He never learns. I got the hoover out, turned it on and that was enough to scare him off. I removed the problem and then he appeared with ears back and tail wagging like he had not seen me for weeks. Bizarre but coming an all too familiar routine. Still a new shirt and jumper needed binned.

It did though get me thinking about getting into a routine to organise my day. I have noted a few men of a certain age lately needing their routine of a shave, a wash, dressing and going for a paper or down somewhere for coffee or breakfast. A read. A walk. A shop. That kind of thing. The opposite of getting up and lounging about in PJs because there is no need not to. Routine is more important than I think I realised in my own life at least.

Anyway given we are all supposed to stay indoors when we can there has not been much else going on at the moment. I would expect that to be the case well into the new year. 
 

Omicron

 Today was the last day of isolation but not until midnight after this post is written. Its been a bit strange and a bit quick. I didn't mention it last time as it only occurred after. Around 10 days ago I suppose I was sitting alone at home with the dog on a Sunday and meanwhile my wife was up North taking her dad to a Christmas thing at the Church and the two younger kids were with them up in the choir loft. All good. Except sometime between then and Friday past someone tested positive for the new Omicron strain and that person was in the choir. My wife and kids being in close proximity had to isolate for 10 days from the event and so did I and the oldest being in the same household. But we only found out on Friday so its not been a long prison term. Thankfully although we have isolated we developed no symptoms. I think we avoided that one and thankfully my wife's dad avoided it too. He didn't have to isolate as he had covid within the 10 days (not sure of the official timeframe) prior to the incident at church. We have definitely been lucky on that score. 

This new variant is a big concern though. I said it to my wife last week when a couple of cases became 5 then 11 and then 25 and so on. Its how it went with the original Covid19 outbreak and this is supposed to be more contagious. That is a big worry. A big worry for the health service who are already under enough pressure as it is and for businesses who could be heading again into a period of closure they may not survive this time. I see the lockdowns at differing degrees in Austria, Germany and Holland mainly through football it has to be said but cannot help thinking we should be doing the same now. In fact last week it should have been done or earlier. We are not learning from this. If its 1 on day 1, 2 on day 2, 4 on day 3, 8 on day 4 then by the end of the week 1 is 64 and a week later its 8192, and so on. You have to stop at source surely! This weekend in Scotland we have a football cup final where over 50,000 people will attend. At the Hydro venue there are big events with lots of people attending. Restaurants, pubs, clubs and other venues like the Irn Bru Carnival which will be starting soon will see droves of people mingle. Airports will condense people of varying biological states into small places to spread around the country while trains, taxis, ferries and all the rest with do similar. Am I missing something? I know its not the popular thing to do and that is the probable reason the FM (that is First Minister rather than Fanny Merchant but those lines are as hard to define as the difference between an alligator and a crocodile) doesn't want to make the right call. Do we wait for it to get too bad to ignore before we do something? 

Time will tell. I do hope my concerns are false and soon we go back to normal. Not for me but for the kids who can seem to get a run at life without some sore of covid obstacle threat. The kids need a clearer future when what we have at present. For me its no different really. An excuse to stay indoors is an excuse not to be different for once. Its what I do and what I have done but even at 50 hope it won't be forever. But who knows? I have just lay out on the sofa reading books mostly and noting world events. Sorry to read of the deaths of both Mike Nesmith and Anne Rice who had impacts on my life in different ways but that is the way of it. At midnight tonight the cell door opens again and I must start getting out again more regularly and looking for a life before it passes me by. 

The big five-oh

 Everyone is different and deals with aging differently. In my own case I have not felt anything negative over the years. When I was a teenager I thought 30 was old but not when I was 21, I thought 40 was old. And at 30 I thought 50 was old, at 40 it was 60. For whatever reason though at 50 I feel 50 is old. I don't know why exactly. I lot of people I see that seemed a lot older than me are suddenly not and yet there has always been the same gap. I feel more aged and look more aged. I see changes that for the years previous I did not. And this led to a lot of unexpected anxiety on the eve of turning 50. Bordering on panic. Must like other anxiety inducing things in my life I just wanted it over with and when it was all calmed. I build things up in my head. 

I have started looking at other people's ages I thought were well older than me. People in the public eye. As I said I have found they are not that much older. Of my friends I am the second to hit the half centuary but it passed without mention such is the way of things. One of my friends had his birthday last year in lockdown and the rest are next year. Most are planning big things that I will not attend and maybe that is why my own is not on their minds. But that is OK. I needed it to pass quietly and it did. 

Last days of the forties

 The final throws of my 4th decade are ending pretty much the same way as the third. Two days remain of being in my forties and I wonder where the time has gone. I once looked at a young family and now see adults and in between was some kind of accelerated time. It doesn't feel like a decade but the afterburners of time keep burning, its not slowing down.

COP26

 I feel stimied at that the moment. I look online and see all these wonderful images of people bursting with the conviction of saving the planet. Its a wonderful array of characters. And its only 10 minutes away on the train. There is a cast of A-listers from Barrack Obama to David Attenborough to the other end of the age scale Greta Thunburg. I have the cameras, the train station is just down the way, I've done it in the past few years but at the moment I am hamstrung with this iritable anxiety- not to forget I am not vaccinated as a consequence so would not put others at risk for my own ends anyway. 

Its a week where climate change is very alive in Scotland with the south of the coutry right down to the borders under water and battered by rain amid evactuations. Horrible brown smelly water strangling normal life in small towns a good stone's throw away from private jets hurtling towards Glasgow burning all their bad contents all over the land. Why could this event not be virtual? If ever an event was required to be held virtually was it not this one? 

Old shoes

 Binned old shoes. The bad fall. Arm. Comfort in old things, sore in new.

Relaxation

 

Sitting out chilling with a book, electronically. A cuppa, wish I had some Earl Grey. Or even Lady Grey as that hint of orange is sometimes more appealing. After a long walk it's nice to just lie back and find a place of relaxation that I could not find for years. I lie back, read, sip and read again then invariably I fall asleep. It's a good sleep. Its not like lying at two in the morning wishing to find slumber land. It's natural. It's earned. I drift off with thoughts of whatever I was reading. I'm going to enjoy Mark Twain when it comes around and Jack London. This is my favourite time of day. 

Its not that not much else is happening, or maybe that is the case. I haven't really thought about it. What I was thinking about when I was lying out was how much things have changed for the better. There was a long period of time when I could not relax like this. There was a time when I could not walk far so could not tire myself out and instead I would sit nursing an underlying current of agitation that who distractedly buzz away enough to stop me finding focus and losing concentration. Something as simple as relaxing is not to be taken for granted. It costs nothing but that does not mean we can all have it. Many people have many worries that prevent them melting into a sofa or sleeping like a baby. We live in a world full of stresses where negativity is fired at us from all directions. It is a a high paced blur driving most from waking to sleep in an instant. It is the polar opposite from my memories of sitting on a small boat slowly floating down the Norfolk broads under a baking sun in those long summers. That is where I would like to be so in those moments that is where my mind takes me. 

It is not my plan to spend my days like this of course. My plan is to try to get back into life as soon as possible. But after the time I had last year I treasure these moments more than anything material and I hope they remain no matter how hard life gets around about them. 

Next in line

 

Not the best photo I know but it's not the best phone that I have and nor the best camera contained within it. It's cheap. Maybe if I had my actual camera, which I have not used in over a year, things would be different. Soon possibly. It is about time I got my camera back out again to push me out of the door. What the photo above is of, said better in words than visually, is a young fox. A new fox hanging around looking to be fed in some way. Stupidly fearless because he or she should carry fear or life won't last very long around here. The old fox is gone, long gone. It upset my wife but true to form she has gotten attached to this new one. 

I'd rather she didn't. I'd rather the dog was not barking loudly when I took him out. I'd rather our living room was not the soul illumination in the wee dark hours. I'd rather the wild were left wild because that is how they survive and any human kindness is a nail in their coffin frankly. They need to be afraid of us humans. They should be afraid of us humans.

It is a fruitless effort to argue. The ball is rolling and will keep rolling nightly. It will keep coming and my wife will keep feeding it. 

Strimming

  

A new neighbour moved in during lockdown but as he is rarely around I don't know much about him. When I took the dog out two days ago he was standing talking to another neighbour so I joined in. He'd bought a strimmer from Homebase and was taking care of his lawn. He made his case for his purchase which was reasonable enough. We don't have room for a mower and it is only a small patch of grass we all each have so it doesn't justify the purchase. Besides that it was only £15 for the strimmer and he had trimmed all of his grass with it. The other neighbour agreed and so she bought one too. She also offered it to me which I had planned on doing.

After a rethink though I bought my own. I think we need it. Space is a problem but they are not that big. I ended up spending more than I planned and more than my wife liked but I felt it better to spend a little more for various reasons. The neighbours had a cheap plastic £15 which does the job but not greatly and as one neighbour told me it took her all night. Also needed was a long extension lead so between the two probably £25. For twice that I could get a better one but also cordless. This was the big thing. That is a good price for a cordless one. For a Karcher the battery alone is £65. The big thing was though no cord. The alarm I felt previously cutting the grass when spotting the dog off his lead with busy traffic in the background pushed me into it. More so when I slowly went towards him and he started running toward the traffic. That was not good at all.

I finished the job today and it does look much better. I'm also confident now that while I will take up any offer of a mower in future I think without it I'll still be able to do it all with the trimmer. Now all I need to do is find a space to store it. 

Altered realities

  

In the future what will people make of it all? A while back I had a real appetite for genealogy and the holy grail was always photographs for me. I'm not sure if that was the case for all. I've seen enough episodes of "Who do you think you are?" to know many have lots of photos of ancestors that I don't. My gran had the main source and chucked cinefilm before being stopped from chucking photos too. But there are not enough. I craved finding a pic of my maternal grandfather who was an incredible man but killed too young before I was born. Likewise a photo existed of my paternal great grandfather who died in his early 20s but I have never seen it. These for me are things greater than money.

Anyway mucking about with an app I produced the above picture making myself look 20 stone or so. How long will these exist? I know from having teenage girls that fake tan, nails, eyelashes, contacts, glasses, hair and do much more are all the rage. In years to come what will our descendants find which is actually authentic? It's scary just like the reanimation I mentioned before. Ironically though I found out my estranged parents told my aunt and uncle that I had given up on life and was mentally gone, beyond help. That narrative and the above photo would paint a very alternative reality so just how much of the past can we believe? 

Edging Forward

  

The fact that I went further in one direction is not the point here. Its the fact that having done so not only was I not fighting the urge to turn back but I was actually fighting the urge to push on. Normally when doing graduated exposure the first goal is to push out to the line in the sand. Second on the list if the first is achieved is to cross that line. Third and final is to push within reason as far as possible. Like being tied to home by a bit of elastic as I have said before. This time though it was like the elastic had snapped and the only thing holding me back were the recent demons of doubt. 

I pushed on into Bothwell on Monday to a point I have not been for a few years. And it was OK. And really part of me wanted to push on further. I am glad I didn't. 5 minutes later I had a crash. The power and energy just went. It was hard enough where I was but 10 minutes further out could have been a disaster. But there are good signs there. These little glimmers of hope happened first time around unexpectedly and led to bigger strides. I feel it is happening again and that feels good.

The photo above was taken in woodland in the way back. Strange I saw my first deer for a while but it was not like others. I actually thought it was a boxer. It was the same sort of colour but by the time I had my phone out it was gone. I have never seen deer here. So many new expensive houses are being thrown up here that I fear the deer have nowhere to go. 

Midnight creeper

  

A little nocturnal thief has been on the prowl again. Just look at his guilty face. No chance of me just taking the belongings back. That needs a bit of smoke and mirrors. I had to wake my wife to clear up when I took him out first thing as he needs to be out the way to do it. And as soon as we came back in he was straight for the bed then a little bit aggressive that his new possessions were gone.

They are possessions. He doesn't sit and munch them. He just takes them to his lair and guards them. As I type he is growling at anyone passing as I dropped a slice of lime in the kitchen and he was off with it almost before it hit the ground. We know when he does it. He moves faster and his body is lower to the ground as he takes his swag. I have told my wife and oldest countless times about leaving their bags in the floor but it keeps happening. I would have thought the chewed cards would have been a wake up call. 

Glue

  

Something has happened to my phone. I picked it up face down and the screen almost fell out. Gave me a fright. Its annoying because this is supposed to be "progress". Older phones used to clip together. It was great. I never had any problems with that. Then then started gluing them together. It meant you couldnt easily replace a battery or a part. It meant you had to pay someone to do the simplest of things. As a result I fear the glue on my phone has eroded.

Its 2 years old which is when most replace their phones but my phone otherwise works fine. Its very like what happened to my laptop. So I refuse to buy another when I have a working one. I also refuse to spend £50 or whatever to someone to glue it. I decided to glue it myself. And I did. It appears fine for now. I'm not sure how long it will last.

In order to do it I found some Gorilla glue which we have found seems to work best. It took me a while to open it though. I was beginning to think it got its name by way of having to be a gorilla to open it. It wasn't just by inability to open the lid which bothered me though but my lack of strength. As I turned I could feel a lack of strength that has always been there. It was an eye opener. I think I'm going to have to start doing press-ups again or something as I don't like feeling that weak. 

338 Sheared

 

" Sheared "

Finally I chopped the lot off. Long overdue. With the weather getting better my hair was just getting in the way so today I took matters into my own hands. Alone at home with the dog I first set about chopping with a pair of scissors - in future I should use a mirror as I chopped too deep in places. Then it was the razor. Not the best job in the world but free and instant rather than the covid waiting in queues. I feel lighter for it. 

Cutting

  

" Cutting "

I actually could not say with any certainty that before I got up the other day I had ever cut grass, ever. In my 50th year that is a bit strange. Something tells me I have but I cannot recall. An orange electrical mower rings a bell as does cleaning the grass off the blades of a push mower. But still I can not say for sure I have cut grass. Well I did this week. A kind neighbour called me over while out walking the dog asking if I wanted to borrow the mower she had borrowed from her dad. The grass has become overgrown lately so I jumped at the chance.

I should say the grass has always been cut for us until now. The factor who looked after the flats had always hired a gardener to take care of that. But out the blue they have pulled out leaving us all factorless. That is no bad thing as we have all wanted out of that arrangement for years with no way out- the flats came with one. There were too many things to mention as to why they needed ousted but a couple bordering on the illegal. The rumour at the moment is that they pulled out after being challenged about a car park security light we all pay for. Someone apparently found it was actually a council owned light which they have been charging us for. Whatever the reason I'm glad to be out. Someone from the other block is trying to arrange a new factor but our block of six will not be taking up the offer, tale for another day.

So I mowed our grass and the grass either side of us as one belongs to an elderly man and the other is presently unoccupied. Not a great job as the neighbour told me later. The thing is I left the edges for fear of breaking someone else's equipment but plan to tidy that up this week. Also it was a tangke of cables up the stairs and into the living room with the dog tied up halfway on a long lead to allow him freedom to move. At one point though I looked up to find him wandering about the garden off the lead which set alarm bells running. I was just glad in the end to get it over with. When my wife came back from work she asking if I enjoyed cutting the grass. Did I not find it therapeutic? No, the short answer. 

It won't be the last time though hopefully. That grass will need cut but we don't have any space for a mower. We will have to work something out though as it cannot be left to grow indefinitely. I think next time though I will do it on a day I am not alone so someone can watch the dog indoors or sit outside with him as it was more stress than it should have been. 

335 Boiler

 

" Boiler "

One job today. A short job at that. Never goes that way though does it? In these great times instead of sitting trying to work out a set of instructions you can go on to YouTube and usually see the process done for you. And that was the case here. As luck would have it I found a video with the exact same boiler as ours which has been clunking away given the pressure is low. Straight forward. There is a filling key attached below, insert it, turn to lock and then turn another valve to increase the pressure to 1.5. Simples. My only concern was the line about some water may come out which is normal but if more than normal comes out then the valve may not be tight. Too many times I have found myself in a bad scenario.

Anyway I followed the instructions but the key did not insert fully. It slipped in effortlessly for the guy in the video. It would need some grunting from me but that could also cause a bigger problem. I searched online to find that is a common problem. O e guy I read about did manage to force it with brute strength but water then kept dripping. A big sigh. Will have to leave that alone and add it to the list of unfinished jobs. I don't know why these things are so complicated as I am sure with our last boiler you just turned a valve and that was that. Will have to leave it to a professional who will no doubt charge a fortune to turn a key. 

334 Meander

 

" Meander "

Today I went for a bit of a meander through town for my walk which I have not done for a while. I was pleasantly surprised to find it alive. More alive than I ever imagined. I've not really been keeping up with what the latest rules are so didn't realise people were now drinking indoors. Ironic that given the beautiful weather. I passed man beer gardens, pubs and restaurants because although this is a small town it does seem to have more than its fair share of these things. Mind you I grew up in a new town where it was a lot sparser so that may be why.

It was good to hear happiness. People did seem to be enjoying themselves and maybe rightly so after being locked up so long. Later I saw photos of busy beaches. I heard on the radio traffic was jammed on that crappy road in and out of Loch Lomond. Everyone out and about which is good but my concern is how that will affect the infection rate. Glasgow City, which borders me, is still a tier higher than the rest and these borders are virtual. Half of the vaccines there for under 40s were not taken up at the centre. If only. I could have still went on the train there like a few years ago to the ssec then I could have got a jag there as they were allowing a drop in for the unused doses. Not to be but in time it will get better I am sure. 

Unendurable

It's taken me a while and much longer than I remember it but finally I am nearing the end of "1984" by George Orwell. My first book in a long while and hopefully the start of getting back into reading again. My kindle tells me I am 91% complete so not long now. I have just gotten to a bit which really struck a chord with me...

"'Do you remember,' said O'brien, 'the moment of panic that used to occur in your dreams? There was a wall of blackness in front of you, and a roaring in your ears. There was something terrible on the other side of the wall. You knew that you knew what it was, but you dared not drag it into the open.'"

That feels about right sometimes. I do feel there is something at the other side of my wall causing the panic. I think I know what it is but don't at the same time because I have buried it so well I cannot remember. There is something there though. Its not visible. Its there. I think I do fear exposing it. And that led me to another paragraph shortly after.

"'By itself,' he said, 'pain is not always enough. There are occasions when a human being will stand out against pain, even to the point of death. But for everyone there is something unendurable - something that cannot be contemplated. Courage and cowardice are not involved.'"

In the story Winston Smith has been broken by torture and interrogation but still there is a tiny part unbreakable by force alone. This is the final method to completely break the spirit. And that is important here. We all do have something we just cannot contemplate facing. The force of that cannot be put into words. It's just something there inside us. A door we keep closed. And this is the thing most self therapy books I have read don't get. I know opening that door won't kill me. You know that. We do not think this will physically harm us or threaten our mortality. It is just something we feel unable to face. As said by Orwell the ability to face that does not come down to an overabundance of courage versus lack of it. Its something we just cannot handle regardless of how stupid it would appear to others. And this last part is what empowers it further because even if someone says they understand they don't. Even if they show support you know deep down they don't mean it. It's an anomaly that is as hard to pin down as it is to describe but it is very much a personal event. 

330 Detour

 

" Detour "

I do like when things go better than expected. I put that partly down to planning paying off so I am glad of that. Embarking on another attempt at recovery I have scaled down the walking part as I said previously to walking 5 days a week rather than all 7. For the first 2 weeks I have seen the benefits. This week more so. The plan is walking Monday to Friday with the weekend off to recharge. Yesterday however I couldn't get out. My wife and oldest were away all weekend returning lady night. Other two at school. Dog unwilling to go past the end of street. And to boot the boy ordered a new controller for his games console and I had to wait in for that. It was supposed to come Thursday but I hot an alert on the afternoon saying it would arrive thst night.

I was already a little concerned about having two days off as it meant losing moment so I was less than happy about having three days off. It was though needed. It means a walk on Saturday and only one day off before the next block but that is OK. Better that than starting over because I cannot keep up. With that layoff I expected today to be hard. It wasn't. It was possibly the best so far. I did a circuit that I plan once a week then took a detour on top to go through woodland I had not passed through in a couple of years. Not entirely comfortable which I expected but even less so when I remembered a story about a group of people living down that way. No dramas though.

It felt like another small step forward in the right direction. Any deviation from the norm is a good sign. Managing to stick to a route is a push so adding to it on any given day is the mutation required for different outcomes long term. The break in between is definitely helping. 

328 Alert

 

" Alert "

That feeling of dread when something unexpected and unexplained happens. In my case an alert. An alert on my phone. Instagram: "Scott has replied to your story". What story? What reply? Cold sweat of fear. I left it alone for a minute then felt compelled to move. First the message. I should say it was a friend at least not a stranger. It read simply: coiffured. So I looked. And there was a story posted by me. Dread on opening revealed just a selfie. Something I never post on social media.

It turns out that when the night before I'd been looking through some photos on Instagram I'd inadvertently posted a story. It all came back. I went to click on something to change the page or exit and instead got the camera. With it we're lots of filters I'd never seen before so out of curiosity I tried some of them out. At some point I must have shared one as a story by mistake. Today I quickly deleted it. No harm done, could have been worse. Lesson learned. 

Friends

 

I have one friend in particular, who strangely is not in the above lineup despite being part of that lot, who reaches out now and again. He has done for years. I do feel blessed to have good friends despite not seeing them often. This one though goes above and beyond despite being a very popular guy with a huge group of friends in all walks of life. He contacted me out the blue today just to see how things were going. That is the kind of guy he is.

I'm also lucky in that despite heading to my 50th at the end of the year all my friends are still around. One nearly wasnt and he is pictured above. Thankfully despite small odds he pulled through his particular illness and appears to be on the mend. He is the oldest and has has his landmark birthday. I'm second in line. I do hope at some point we can all meet up. I do miss it but did get a taste a few years ago. 

326 Messages

 

" Messages "

It's strange the things that can spark memories and even crossover in places. Many moons ago I worked with a guy who was English and struggled to come to terms with some of the Scottish every day language. He comes to mind now and again because last I heard he was working for Caterpillar in Australia. Just by chance my walks take me by a Caterpillar plant near home and that sparks that memory. I'm not sure if he is there still. I left Facebook about 4 years ago and at that timd as well as having just come through a very horrendous time he was also engaged to be married. But I left Facebook and left all the people on it so those old memories still feel current. 

Anyway the other day I heard a Scottish musician refer to someone as having a head "like a bag of messages". Outside of Scotland that doesn't make sense. That took me back to my old colleague. The term "messages" annoyed him. He was staying with a couple for a bit and the woman asked if he could "help with the messages". This bemused him but he went along with it. He was further bemused when he discovered it was actually to help bring in bags of shopping. So he asked me about it: why? I'd been brought up with the expression and had never questioned it. When he posed that though I started to see why it annoyed him. It does make no sense. I've no idea where it comes from but it's still widely in use today. Strange one. 

325 Slow progress

 

" Slow progress "

Slow progress is still progress and to be honest this time around I am fine with that. Of course IF I can get back to where I was I'd like to get there as soon as possible but at the same time I know rushing it is counter productive. First time around I had no idea whether any kind of recovery was possible but I got to a good place from a bad place so have that knowledge in the bag. So there is no need to try to force it too prematurely. I need to take all I learned first time around and use it to make this climb permanent. All signs are barring something negatively life changing this road to recovery won't be a ring road this time around. 

Woodland Art

  

I was lying back in a t-shirt and shorts reading a book ear;ier today when the younger two came home from school. The older one went straight to her room without saying much if anything in the passing. The boy though asked if it was OK to go out later. Sure, are you meeting with friends? No it turns out. Instead he was going alone down the park to look for inspiration for a vaguely themed art project thrust upon him that day. A bit poor in my opinion given he had been at school all day. So I said I'd help him out. There was nothing to be gained down the park. Woodlands were better even if I wasn't sure what it was he needed. Other people had done designs with sticks and stones. That was a start.

Half an hour later we were in the woods. Ideally the dog would have been running around but he would not budge out the street. There was something good about it though. Rather than sitting at home I was out helping my son with school work. I found some reeds and rocks and let the boy do the rest. I am still not sure what the point of it was but it got us out at least. 

323 Down to the river

 

" Down to the river "

It was one of those surprising walks today. Unplanned and unexpected. As I walked though woodland battered by hailstones I didn't see it being anything other than a short walk. When I got to my destination to find it had taken less than a mile I again felt it would be a quick one. But I pushed on. Just a little. Suddenly in my head there was a place to go. Not far, I thought. Down to the water. So I pushed on. And on. Turns out it was much further than I remember. I got there but it was not comfortable. It was twice as far as I remembered and so twice as far back so I did not linger. It was though good to get down to the water again. I will no doubt repeat it soon. 

322 Irked

 

" Irked "

I thought it was other people that got unnecessarily irked by the less important things in life. My wife, by her own admission, is one of those. I can remember countless times saying things like how I had no money to pay the credit card that month but she was more angry that someone had parked in her parking space or dared to sit outside in their car with the engine running. But I realise to some degree we are all like that possibly. Even me.

My own is a fault of sorts. As I said previously I have made a concerted effort to read more which I have been doing. Then the other day I noticed the kindle app on my phone keeps some stats including days read. All good. From there I planned to lay down a long run of reading. It doesn't matter really but to me it's something to drive me. I have been reading every day. For some reason though Saturday is not recorded. Really not a problem but it is. It annoys me. Irks be even. I feel cheated but ill get over it. 

321 Journey

 

" Journey "

I was travelling to Edinburgh on the bus when my thoughts turned from the beautiful scenery to inner dialogue. It wasnt actually the road to the capital but I was oblivious at the time. It was open top. There were tree tops. Now in hindsight I have a memory of that when young with other young people. Not the road to Old Reekie. It was instead up north. Remote. A 'b' Road rather than something better. I was on my way somewhere. I think I was meeting friends. I enjoyed the view. There was no sense of wind or tempreture so it was all about the visuals. And as always in my dreams I had my camera despite having never carried a camera in real life for a few years.

I've had many dreams like this and they always go the same way. I tell myself how great it is to be free. How great it is not to have to worry about travelling too far. Then it starts. I feel flickers of anxiety like a hand engine starting before fully kicking in. I tell myself not to dwell but I don't do it calmly. It's started. Oh no. I look about, where is the next bus stop? I need to get off before the panic starts. And there it begins. Once it has seeped through it cannot be reversed. Confidence is eaten up in chunks by doubt like a pacman. I see it in my mind like a disaster movie where the virus takes over the world. I feel it running through me, adrenaline. Now I really need to get off. I'm not going home but I need to be alone even if that is curled up behind a wall out of view until it passes. Then I wake.

There is some reality to it. I remember being almost free of agoraphobia and then the DWP strife weighing me down to the point dread was never far away. I remember our one hour drive up north which was no longer a problem suddenly filling me with panic 10 minutes in. This is the basis for this recurring nightmare which is always a journey and always plays out the same way but in different places and times of day. I am always alone though. It tells me these reactive thoughts are deep rooted again and it's going to take a good deal of time to reverse them again 

318 Battles

 

" Battles "

Mental Gaza strip. 

317 MHAW

 

" MHAW "

Mental health awareness week. It started on Monday and runs through to Sunday inclusive. 

Weir

 

A weir is, I believe, similar to a dam except that instead of blocking the water completely from flowing it allows flow over its top. The river keeps flowing but its flow is controlled rather than natural. This one above is one I have seem many times from up on the bridge but never given it much thought until yesterday. Apparently swimming in a weir is dangerous yet I see kids swimming there every summer. That I'd imagine is the least of their worries given the colour and smell of it and the fact there is a sewage works quarter of a mile upstream. It's a place though people tend to stop and view while crossing the bridge. Often a heron can be spotted lingering. Ive seen the odd cormorant too. Further downstream I even seen an otter one year. At the right time of year large splashes of salmon landing can be heard. There is a calmness to the flow. Not as calming as the ocean waves but a little break from the concrete and metal surrounds.

I mention it because I was down here yesterday for the first time in a while. I've decided that if I am going to walk every day then I need to vary the walks or I will lose interest to boredom. I nearly didn't. It was about 11 in the morning when I headed down and going towards the woodland that would take me down I was on a collision course with 4 guys. I slowed but they stopped and in doing so all 4 pulled out bottles of Buckfast. So I walked again and they walked too. They were getting louder and I could see although all 4 were drunk their bottles were newly opened. They had probably bought them, headed down the woods and could not wait. It put me off. The woods are getting darker with people this last year or so and I find myself avoiding them more. 

In the end I went a different way and was glad I did. After getting uptight this helped unwind me a little. It makes me more determined also to get better soon even though I can't force that. I now long badly for the coast. I'd like to see the sea again soon. 

315 First step

 

" First step "

Part t

314 Caulking

 

" Caulking "

Part t

313 Lists

 

" Lists "

Part two of my self abuse in watching something I don't want to happen. The only shining light was Aberdeen East staying Conservative and effectively depriving the SNP of any chance of a minority. Again not that it really matters except that it strikes an argument off their list. The FM sensing that possibility backtracked on requiring a majority for an independence mandate just as she backtracked on the timing of that when the murmurs on the street were against it short term. I'm sick of hearing about it. Just give them it and state that in order to alter the constitution you need a 60% backing and an agreement that it will not be on the table for at least 2 decades. We cannot move on while this whining keeps distracting us.

Anyway its done thankfully and so am I- with it. I've removed all my access to anything political as I've sickened myself with it as I tend to do. It's like turning down the volume on the radio where I am aware it's still playing but I am no longer engaging. I have other pressing matters. From Monday I am starting a new regime of walks and CBT every day in the hope of getting back on track to where I was a few years ago. I have neglected both for too long. In just over 6 months I enter a new decade of my life and I would like that to finally be from a good place. We will see but for now bye to politics. 

311 Polling

 

" Polling "

Snow in May. Quite incredible. Not that I saw it. It was well washed away by the time I got up leaving a drab, grey, wet and cold wake. Horrible day. Polling day too. So glad I cast my vote by post as the thought of standing out in that at a school does not appeal.

My plan was to have an all mightier and see results coming in. I remember the joy doing so in 2014 and the hope a tide was changing. Also though I remember the election after which was horrible. That is what I expect again but I live in hope of a change. Thankfully though this time the count won't be overnight so I can look forward to that tomorrow instead.

The outcome is really hard to gauge. Most of the polls I have seen have been conflicting. It's a majority then it's not. In the streets its harder to gauge because the unionist tend to stay silent whereas the nats like to shout. That is why the 2014 independence referendum was a surprise as SNP followers were the loudest. Even now we have the celebrity contingent of the likes of Alan Cummings, Brian Cox, Martin Compston and others telling up to vote for independence in a country they could not wait to leave in favour of the states. Neil Oliver appears to be the only one talking up the Union. Even Ewen McGregor jumped the dyke.

Above is an example of the nationalist need to make Scotland look like its all yellow. That sign was put up by a group who have been going all over the central belt of Scotland putting up signs, billboards and driving a van around with anti-SNP slogans. That sign was not there 24 hours later. In the small street next to it at least 3 homes has SNP posters in the window and the other 9 or so have none. It makes it look like a pro-nat street and it may be but the fact is unionists tend not to feel the need to tell their neighbours who they are voting for. It's a form of intimidation. It's goading someone not to agree with them so they can tear that down like the sign. Union flags are just not seen but saltires fly on ever corner. There are Euro flags. There are even Catalonia flags believe it or not. And in one garden the saltire flying beside the national flag of Puerto Rico!

For 7 years unionists have been seen as spineless traitors for wanting to be part of the United Kingdom. It has created a toxic atmosphere of which no good will come. The sooner this election has passed the better but I fear this is just a starter to the main course ahead which could lead down a very dark alley. 

Vote cast

  

I do always leave it until the last minute but finally yesterday I posted my vote. Its done. Not that it matters really in the grand scheme of things. The SNP will still rule the roost when it's all over due to the unionist vote being split and just as divided down the middle the Scottish people will remain. One thing it is sure to do is open up those old wounds from 7 years and begin in a period of hate and fall outs among friends and family. Let the fun begin.

I am of course talking about the Scottish elections. For years I didn't vote but as I overcame my agoraphobia I did vote a few times. This time however it is a sign of how things are at the minute that I have had to cast my vote by post. I have now done so as I said. And as I also said about its just division upon division everywhere you look except for the SNP who have their own fan club that never wavers. They are no bigger in numbers than the non-SNP voters but they are not divided so they always win.  What is the point really? 

That said tomorrow I will no doubt end up watching the declarations as I usually do and although I usually set out to watch it all I end up turning off when a sea of yellow fills the map of Scotland. Drug death capital of Europe. Scandal in Parliament. The exam fiasco which was overturned by the youth. Covid positive sufferers put into care homes at the cost of many lives. I see the appeal. But it's a democracy of course. I accept that- though I wish others would have accepted that in 2014. Its clear the government will continue for a 4th term and whether that is with a majority or with its environmental wing (Scottish greens) in its back pocket is irrelevant. Its only about breaking up the UK and unfortunately half of Scotland want to do that regardless of what that means. There is more than a tinge of inevitability about that unfortunately. 

310 Sixty minutes

 

" Sixty minutes "

I went out for a walk today for the first time in a while and it was OK. First time since the 24th of last month which is a note that things need to improve on that score and they will from Monday. I've been using excuses where there are none. My wife has worked about 10 days straight and some of those have been stretched over 12 hours of the day so stuck with a dog who won't budge I have not been walking. But it can be done.

The walk was much easier than expected. A very strange point was after climbing stairs I did not find the usual breathlessness. It all went well but the lay off had me labouring where I hadn't been previously. Only regular walks will change that. That is the plan.

One other thought occurred to me: when was the last time I spent an hour or more outside? I actually thought I had done it today but it was only 45 minutes. Looking back I found the only times I did it this year didn't really count as they happened outside the front door talking to my brother on the phone. The speaker on my phone is too low so on a call I tend to go out to hear it. I have not otherwise spent an hour outside this year. The dog walks have been 10 minutes at most, walks alone have been 45 minutes and shopping takes 30 to 40 minutes. It's poor. I need to do more and see from Monday I need to set some goals. That is my first. I must spend an hour outdoor walking, sitting or all else without distraction. 

308 No show

 

" No show "

I look at the clock and its 11:15. There is a twang of guilt and a pang of sadness topped by a sprinkling of anger at myself. I wonder if someone 10 miles away is calling my name. If it a young nurse in scrubs or a young army person calling my name? Anger and irritation at another no show: haven't we enough on our plate without time wasters?

When I finally did open my Vaccination summons it was further than I had anticipated and there was zero chance of going there. It was Ravenscraig today at the time above. Ironically in the week of the election this is one of many sites that gave cause to a rise in nationalism. It was among the biggest, if not the biggest, steelworks in Europe in its pomp. When it was closed 30 years ago it ripped the heart out of a community that was not easily forgotten with generations losing jobs at the same time. Long ploughed into dust it is now the site of a huge sports complex perfect for vaccine rollout.

There was never any chance of going and even less when I looked at photos of the place- prime panic building just like a kids place a few years ago. That said it was not my intention initially to just ignore the appointment. I read the letter and it stated I could go online and rearrange. That is what I set out to do. I created an account, clicked to rearrange and was presented with dates, times and locations. Unfortunately the Ally McCoist in East Kilbride was the nearest which is another big sports centre 6 miles away. Still too far. No option but to opt out. I was directed to a phone number "in the table above" but there was no number. I found other numbers which may or may not have been the right one. Suddenly I got annoyed. I didn't seek an appointment. Why wasn't there an option to opt out and give a reason? Why did I have to seek, chase and then go through that humiliation again of trying to justify my position to someone who cannot understand? So I took the decision to just leave it and as I type the time has passed. It is now a past event. I do t know what happens from here but I am sure I will find out in due course. 

304 Chewed

 

" Chewed "

Once can happen. Twice is probably preventable. Three times shows a lack of care. I am referring to the chewing of bank cards which is becoming a fairly common occurrence nowadays. The first one was my daughter who left her handbag on the floor and the dog was away with the card- still she leaves the bag there. Second time was daughter again but this time from a jacket she had not hung up. Likewise my wife dumped her jacket on the bed and he was away with a 3rd card. I despair.

We are OK though because we have a joint account so I just gave my wife my card while we wait for a replacement. It got me wondering though what a person would do who lives alone. Usually it's 5 working days for a replacement to arrive so how does a person survive in this new cashless society? I don't know if there are alternative ways of getting by in the meantime but if they are via the bank then that is all the harder given most branches are shut outwith cities. It makes me wonder whether people should be given 2 cards as standard or maybe even have 2 accounts running side by side. 

Blue envelope

  

The blue envelope finally arrived last week and with it a sense of dread. It shouldn't be that way but it is. I knew an appointment would arrive for the COVID19 Vaccination and knew it would probably give me mental battles which it has. First jag of two. I have no problem with a jag. I'm not scared of needles. And given what I know COVID19 can do to people I want to be vaccinated. But like so many things in my life what I want is not as easy as just taking. The problem here is that the appointment will be too far away and in a building which will cause me panic. I just cannot do it.

Some would right point out that were I to become ill and be hospitalised it would be way worse than the panic of getting the jab. I understand that. It makes sense when you do not have to go through the panic yourself. I just can't do it. This would not be me being fine until stepping in a building. This would be me rolled up in panic just getting there and ultimately turning back for sure. It is that horrible an experience to endure. I just can't do it. Neither option removes the dread. For now that envelope will remain unopened. 

I am not a stupid person. I am being offered a vaccine against a killer virus. Why would I not take up the offer? That is how bad this anxiety can be. That is how bad it is at the moment. A couple of years ago I would have had it done without any problem. Its bad timing. I have since learned that the appointment can be re-arranged to a different place but the 3 which are offered are still too far away. I need to try to keep myself far from it until I can get on top of my anxiety problems once again. 

303 Defiant

 

" Defiant "

"No", just 2 letters making a tiny word. But a strong word. Negative. Defiant. I'll keep the one short because my blood is still boiling. My wife was out early today to work so I got the kids up, fed and out the door. Or at least that was the plan. The girl would not get up. Finally I yelled at her to get up and that was the reply. What do you mean? I am not going, was the last response.

What to do? I was in that moment of blind rage on the verge of doing something I knew I would later regret. No respect. Not an ounce of it. Do I drag her out on to the street screaming? What would that do? I realised I could do nothing except simmer and I am still simmering. At best it's disappointing because it's like deja vu having gone through this 2 years ago with her sister. The school on both occasions bended over backwards for them but in the end there is no effort and no respect.

I could go deeper into the complexities of it but won't. Its a thing I would not have gotten away with but it was simpler back them. Nowadays everything is a minefield. A bit of discipline is also a negative on a child's mental health. It's hard to find that balance and impossible, it seems, to make them see its actually for their own benefit. No one said it was going to be easy... 

302 Happy Monday

 

" Happy Monday "

Today has been dubbed "Happy Monday" here in Scotland owing to the re-opening of the hospitality sector. And in true Scottish style the weather decided to rain on that parade. I'd imagine many eager beavers have filled Facebook with faux smiles in rain soaked wind swept beer gardens. They've been planning it for months and those social media images won't snap themselves.

Maybe not so happy then this Monday for the paying customer but those financial transactions will at least breathe some life into a sector severely hit by the pandemic. Given how hard they have tried from beginning to end to keep their pubs and restaurants afloat I do hope longer term they will be fine. That said a lot of establishments did not open today and never will again. Many workers will never return to those jobs again. It's hit so many so hard.

I'm these times and in the face of the hardships these people have experienced it leaves an even more bitter taste in the mouth learning of the proposed creation of the European Super League. 12 football teams already fat on riches are intent on feeding their faces further with an elite tournament which slaps the face of the supporters who are the foundation of their existence. Thankfully the backlash will batter them down to size again but the very thought is just disgusting but maybe not surprising. 

301 Guard dog

 

" Guard dog "

Today was a bit of a change for all of us including the dog. Prior to Lockdown we didn't get a lot of visitors but obviously through it we have had no one at all. Today my wife let the oldest have her boyfriend around. I will say I was against it but what does my opinion matter any more? I left them to it. That's all I'll say. But there was a problem. The dog has basically never had anyone come in. That was a concern.

We knew mostly what to expect. Of course there would be barking. Would there be biting though? That has always been our concern. We considered the muzzle but decided instead just to keep a hold of him when the boy was in the vicinity. It turned out better than expected. Dog went bananas but also over time got close without a muzzle and there was no biting- thankfully. Still I could not settle but its a start at least. Its trying to balance giving the dog exposure and not too much that he might be frightened enough to react. That has to start somewhere and so hopefully this is it.

One note. The pic above is not my dog but the one I used to look after. The image seemed more apt than any I could take. 

300 Always walks

 

" Always walks "

A short post today as not a lot happening except for my first walk in a while. All I seem to talk about is walks, always walks. It was good to get out alone and have a wander but not much in the way of providing content. It was a good walk though and as it turned out much needed. It wasn't until I was out that I realised I really needed that fresh air and stretch of legs. It started with a struggle but once I got through the bump I felt I could enjoy the walk more freely. I just wish I could put all that into words. 

299 Reanimated

 

" Reanimated "

I have to be honest and say that the first time I saw it I thought it was brilliant and incredibly clever. I can't remember which genealogy site it was I first saw the service but since I think many others have followed very quickly. That service is the reanimation of old photos. Long lost souls brought back to life via a still image. You could take on old black and white or colour photo like the one above and from it the face would start to move and look about like Frankenstein had just pulled the leaver. It is very clever. But it is also creepy. It is not the person and not even a true representation of that person. For example in the extreme I knew a guy when I was younger who used to frequently blink. We all have different mannerisms. It's very much fake. That one is an ancestor of mine who moved from Scotland to New York where he opened his own iron works. 

The technology is amazing for sure. Recently I've seen some videos of brilliant cgi representations of dead people bettered by deep fake videos, bettered because it looks more natural. And that is what they are deep Fake not reanimation. The digital age has brought fantastic progress in photography and video but with it dangers too. These fakes are getting so real that it can cause massive problems for people in the wrong hands. I don't need to spell that out in this age of social media.

Lines are blurring. I looked to restore an old photo as I used to do in photoshop by hand painstakingly. These are not real either. They are though more real than some of the apps I found today which use AI to restore photos at the touch of a button. Looking closely its worrying because I took an old faded photo which was water damaged and it restored the face perfectly. But they were not her eyes they were someone else's. It was not her mouth. The AI matched the ruined part with the closest match and replaced it. It's not real and not a true representation. But it's quick and it's clever so people will accept it. In these modern times when everything seems too much of an effort it's a better option for most but it's not real. Blurred lines get blurrier.

Explosion

  

I should say first that something happened, it game me a scare but I was completely fine. I am not naturally melodramatic but I do think since my anxiety problems started I am prone to scaring more easily than I used to. Anxiety attaches to everything. 

A moment which felt like forever but was only a second at most. An instance of fear and a narrative constructed to match it. An explosion. I stood motionless with terror for that tiny eternity fearing the worse. I had been making the boy a burger for lunch and as always at the end toasted the bun and burger in the oven. The timer pinged, I opened the oven door and there was an explosion. Loud and with force. I saw the sections of burger fly out and I felt wetness on my legs. That was what brought the terror. Wetness. Blood? I did not want to look. A hundred different images from the big screen filled my head of what I would see- torn trousers ripped apart, wounds and more. If I didn't look I was OK but I had to look and did I see what I feared? 

No. As it turns out it was not blood but Pepsi Cola that saturated my bottom half. Honestly my heart was racing so much. The girls have lately been getting up during the night and helping themselves to juice. Fizzy juice that is. Loads of diluting there but they only crave the fizzy stuff. The memory came to me of my wife saying she was hiding the big bottle of Pepsi in the oven before bed. Why the oven of all places? My plan was to move it somewhere else but I forgot then and it had long gone from memory today when I turned the oven on. No harm done in the end except a ruined lunch and a half hour for me cleaning up and scrubbing the oven. I despair sometimes. 

297 Lockdown hair

 

" Lockdown hair"

Its safe to say I need a haircut. It's long overdue and completely unnecessary for my hair to be so long given I don't need to go out to get it done. I cannot remember the last time it was cut. It has to be prior to the outbreak. Usually my wife will do it and she has attempted a few times. I think though I am getting to an age where I don't know how long I'll gave it so maybe reluctant to trim it. But I will. In the end it gets too annoying not to. Hairs get everywhere.

I will though do it myself no doubt which really annoys my wife. I'm not that fussed. I remember watching an interview with Jools Holland a long time ago and he said he had one haircut a year he grew it for a year and then shaved it all off. That is sort of what I have been doing. And when I shave it myself I don't really care how it looks but my wife insists on tidying up bits I've missed or made a mess of. Mostly that is at the back but as I cannot see that it is not a concern to me. A chopping is nigh. 

296 Ballot papers

 

" Ballot papers "

Today my ballot papers arrived ahead of the Scottish election next Thursday. I'm pleased to be voting even if it is by post. I feel its important for my voice to be heard. I have my constituency vote picked out. Its partly tactical but its also what I would have voted anyway. The list vote is a bit more complicated. Its actually huge. A lot on their including all the usual suspects, some strange ones and the two big names of Salmond and Galloway. My own pick should have been straight forward but I made the mistake of following a number of pages online which should be coming together for the same cause but ultimately seem to be pushing their own cause too far. No surprise but my list vote is probably something I will still be in two minds about next week when I put a cross on the box.

295 Some kinda normal

 

" Some kinda normal "

Today it felt like step 1 in returning to some kind of normal with step 2 due next Monday. Today for the first time in a long while, so long I can't remember when, I was alone at home. The youngest two returned to high school full time, oldest was as work and wife returned to her primary job at the aqua centre. The latter for cleaning duties only ahead of the public being permitted entry in 7 days time.

It feels real this time. It doesn't feel like the schedule back to new normal is going to be halted or reversed. It feels now like a linear process to that end. The number of vaccinations is speeding up like a bullet train and the number of infections is falling. Sadly people are still dying so that still deserved caution. Hopefully in that process to wellness for the nation the mortality rate for covid 19 infections will sit at zero. We can only hope.

Today for me it has been about getting my own house in order. I have my own plan back to wellness and routine. I am confident I can get there again but without the previous dread haunting me I can stay there this time. I am hoping this is my final jab back to my own normality.