By Train: fin

That was a bit of a shock to be honest. The CBT course I was doing has worked like magic without a doubt and my only regret was that I did not find it sooner. I speak in the past tense because I did stop doing it as things started to fall into place. I probably will go back to it but as I started getting out more and feeling more confident I know longer felt the need to keep doing it. Don't get me wrong I still have a long way to go but for me it was not about more learning but experience. It was about taking what I learned into the real world. That remains the case. Tonight I had the need to look back at a goal which was on hold and expected to find it was left in limbo last year- at most. To my utter surprise it has been left nearly 2 years. For many minutes I could not get my head around that. How could I do three steps and then do nothing for almost 2 years?

The goal was a train ride using graduated exposure and previously I had covered a post outlining my goal and then completed three of the eight steps...

08/09/13: Outline- detailing 8 steps from getting to the train station to a return journey.
09/09/13: Step 1- Walk halfway to the train station.   
13/09/13: Step 2- Walk to within sight of the train station.
16/10/13: Step 3- Sit at the train station and wait.

And that is how it has stayed. Step 3 took a lot of time to do but in the time since that post I have walked down there many times. Its strange looking back to see how hard that first step was but it was. I think by the time I had done step 3 though I knew the next step I knew I would eventually do the 4th step and did but never beyond that. 4th was to walk about on the platforms on both sides. When I did that I did not even note it never mind post about it as I had abandoned any notion of traveling by train as I just could no do it.

Yesterday though I went out for a walk and as has been happening a lot of late I was struggling to think of where to go. I have covered so much that its all gotten a bit boring now. So I had a thought that came out of the blue. Well not quite out of the blue actually now that I think about it. I had been out walking with my son last week and wondering where to go and while we were out I was looking at the map on my phone when I noted a train station in Hamilton I did not know about. My final goal with the graduated exposure in 2013 had been to go to Hamilton and back. Hamilton Central that is. I didn't realise there was also a Hamilton West which was inbetween. Perfect. I thought I could mybe walk there but after a mile of walking and seeing I was only halfway there I gave up. Last night though on a whim I decided to just go for it. 2 miles away. I knew that was a long way for me to walk in one direction away from home- even now. And I knew the chances are I would not walk back and so would either have to call my wife in the hope she could collect me or get on the train. It turned out to be a bad idea but I did it. Something though I knew I would not be repeating any time soon.

There was more than one reason why it was a bad idea. Straight off just walking 2 miles from home was  going to fatigue me because I knew the growing worry would make me tired and breathless. And that was the case. I felt almost ill when I got to the train station and not just because of the walk but because of the prospect of getting on a train for the first time in over 10 years. So that was all bad. And panic went into overdrive as I suddenly realised I did not want to get on the train, I had got myself into too much of a state to walk home and I did not want to bother my wife- I needed to do this alone. There was though no time to think. I had just arrived on the platform when the train came. I moved to a door but it never opened- later my wife told me I had to press a button. Another door was open with people going through. I wanted to wait but was shaking so much I knew I could not wait. I walked quickly to the other door and got on. No way back. Whatever happened I was going on a train.

It was all wrong though as I said. On top of the reasons I have given the journey was so short I had no time to allow the panic to come down. And by leaving the scene with panic at a high level I was doing more harm than good as that would be the emotion relived the next time I contemplated getting on a train again. That is what happened. I was sitting on the train and the view I had planned to take in whizzed by without me seeing it as I dumped change on a table and struggled to pick it up. While I was doing this again the clock watching the conductor approach I was trying to breath and stop the shaking. It was an ordeal and I got off just glad to be off. There was no sense of elation. I knew the consquences.

So getting on a train would again would be difficult? Yes. Today I sat shaking again and struggling with my breathing and getting overly annoyed at a little boy crying and getting impatient to get the journey over. Not on a train though. We were in fact on a tram. Over 10 minutes we waited on this old tram at Summerlee Industrial Museum. And when we got going and about a minute late we came to the terminus I felt very stupid. It helped though. We didn't get on the tram again but it was not for lack of trying- we just kept missing it. For over two hours we spent the time walking about the mining museum. My wife and two of the kids even went underground but I didn't fancy that. I was content to walk about in the rain with my youngest daughter. It was a good day.

Where it helped though was tonight. I decided to go out tonight with a very clear plan in mind. The original graduated exposure plan had 8 steps and I had done the first 4 and effectively the 5th by getting on a train. Tonight I could not be bothered doing any of the inbetween and instead go straight to the final step. I walked to my local train station and bought a return ticket to Hamilton Central. I waited, got on the train and went. As I expected to begin with it was as bad as yesterday. When I got off however there was hardly an ounce of anxiety. The plan had been to walk over the bridge and come straight back home. I felt so well though that I decided to go for a walk about and so I did. Finally I was back at the station, train home and then a walk home. All good. This is what I mean about not really needing to do the CBT any more. I know what to do so now its just the doing it and repeating it and trying to accept the anxiety until it eases off forever. And one day it will ease off forever.

Lastly a few pics from Summerlee Industrial Museum which was a great day out. It centres mainly around mining, iron works and steel works but also has a whole host of other things of interest from the past. The thing I really enjoyed was the miner's cottages. There were two rows of these with one being an old set and one being newer. Each cottage was themed on a certain decade and although it meant nothing to the kids I really enjoyed the ones from he last centuary. Lots to see and only the tram cost any more which was a small amount at that. A great day out despite the constant rain.

13 years later

Before getting married in 2003 my (future) wife and I went to Germany for New Year which was our last holiday before the kids came along. It was also sort of a honeymoon because we never had one of those. That was our second holiday in 2002. In the June we both had two weeks off work and for the first week we went to the Czech Republic where we stayed mainly in Prague but also visited Karlovy Vary and Cesky Krumlov. It was lovely. We always vowed to returned but that is a long way off.

The second week we spent going various places in Scotland. The one that sticks out was Stirling. We stayed at a hotel and visited the usual sites around about. Last night we repeated a few of those things 13 years on. The Wallace Monument was shut as we went late and that was just as well. I remember smirking as I climbed the narrow staircase as a man was crawling up them. Possibly karma that the man then would probably be me now. Same goes for Stirling Castle which was also closed but even just getting around these places was nostalgia enough. The one place that was not closed was Bannockburn. That brought back a lot of memories walking around the memorial. It was all clear as day but then again there is not much to it.

It was new things to add to the list of places visited in 2015. I like to note these things. Because most places were shut and it was a nice night (for a change) we decided to go back to Dunblane. This time there was no cold and I was able to walk about freely. It was good. We have still been going places and as much as its nice to revisit places from the past its also important to note we are creating new memories for the kids. We also went to the Falkirk wheel but true to form we arrived late and it was shut. The Kelpies were not closed though and that was a lovely walk along the forth and clyde canal. We have more things planned too. Its been so good. Things are changing. Weather wise its been a terrible summer but because of what we have been doing I am finding myself getting cabin fever whenever we cannot get out and so usually go for a walk in the rain. I am now feeling a need to get out and stay out. Hopefully getting closer to where I want to be.

Perth

(The pub where I met my wife)

Three years ago I made a series of posts which were diary entries I had written over a number of years. Singles days spanning 10 years. There were 5 in all covering 1998, 2000, 2004, 2006 and 2008. The reason for them was,  I think, I was looking for some sort of sign of what went wrong. In the 1998, 2000 and 2004 entries I was fine. No problems at all. In 2006 I appeared fine but I was not. The road to anxiety disorder had already started the year before and it slowly worsened. By 2008 I was all but housebound.

I decided to revisit the 2006 entry again but to be honest the post says very llittle. It was a year I remember well and probably more clearly than some of the more recent years. I wrote the entry in August and by then I'd been redundant for just over a year. I had a 3 year old and 1 year old little girl. I'd been having problems for over a year and they seemed to be worsening. I was convinced I was ill but trips back and forth to the GP could find no problems despite rapid weight loss. But for most of the year I could at least travel. I'd had panic attacks by then but was not agoraphobic. In November 2005 we had our first (and although I did not know it at the time it turned out to be our last) family holiday to Loch Lomond where we stayed in a log cabin for 5 days. In April  2006 we christened our daughter in Perth, 60 miles away, but because I was having problems I insisted on a small affair involving only me, my wife, my daughter, the priest and two godparents- my wife's sisters. I'd also been up to Perth at Christmas, new year and in March for my sister-in-law's 40th birthday party. In July I left Scotland for the last time (again I did not know it at the time). My niece's christening in Manchester and again with problems I sat at the back of the church near the exit with my daughter in my arms using her crying as an excuse. I remember someone kindly gave up their home for us to stay in. In August I was back up to Perth again because my inlaws were away for 2 weeks holiday and my wife decided it would be better being up there in a big house and large garden than a pokey little flat with no garden. She was right. But I had problems up there too. I was finding I could only walk so far before I would get out of breath and anxious and have to go back home. I remember going on my own to a pub to watch a football game and sitting at the bar on a stool praying that no one would come up and talk to me. But the panic got so bad I first sat outside to finish the bottle of beer and then when the panic was not going I just left.

For a long time I thought that was the last time I was in Perth. Perth was a place I lived and worked for a number of years incidentally. It was as much a home as my current one and where I was brought up. Near the end of 2006 I went out one day relatively OK and came back housebound. What I forgot about in between was that I had been up to Perth one last time- my wife reminded me on Sunday night. And I forgot that when I left I was full of hope. It was September 2006 and my mother-in-law had turned 70 so we were all up for a party. We had gone up on the Saturday for the party, stayed overnight and left on the Sunday. At the end of the party on of the family's friends had to get up and she is in a wheelchair. So with the inlaws I volunteered to push and strangely I found I had no problems. A distance I had struggled to walk I was covering no problem while pushing a wheelchair. I was not out of breath. I put it down to the alcohol but I felt good the following day. I was positive in my own mind that the breathing problems were in my head. On reflection now I think the alcohol was dulling the fear and it was the fear making me anxious and out of breath. So I left in a positive mood not knowing I would never return. It was either the October or November that I went to the hospital with my wife one day, left her to go in and had a full blown panic attack which left me agoraphobic thereafter.

In 2015 I have done a lot. I went on a bus for the first time and I have gone to lots of new places. Getting to the place I grew up and also getting to where my parents live were massive achievements I never thought I would ever do again but I have got there. Its taken a long time but I don't mind as for the most part I never thought I ever would. Perth though has not even been on the radar. Its just too far. Perth is more than just another place for me. Its a place of happy memories. I loved living there and enjoyed working there. I was married there and celebrated my engagement there before that. My kids were christened there- I was there for the first two but could not attend the boy's christening. Its not just the memories either. Its the place my wife takes the kids of key dates. Its why I spend Easter and Christmas on my own. Its the reason why in summer I will spend at least a week alone. Its so much more than a place.

And yet I got there. I never thought I would and especially not after what happened at Dunblane but somehow I got there. We were actually on the way to Dunblane. That was the plan on Sunday night. We had packed warm clothes in the boot so I could wrap up this time if needed. As we approached Dunblane my wife suggested Perth. No. Too soon. As I sat there though it was a mental tug of war. The usual fight about pushing and fear of overdoing it and setting myself right back. So after a minute or two I suggested we could stay on the motorway and turn back when I felt too anxious. My wife was OK with that. She drove and she talked- do you remember that or look out for that. The distance to Perth all the while came down from 30 plus to single figures and then we were there. She took me past my old work, by my old flat and finally we ended up at her parents house 9 years after the last time.  Not just that but as my wife also pointed out the first time I had ever been in their house with my 7 year old son.

It was quite a thing. I would say it was not easy but it was never going to be. I wanted to leave as soon as I got in but after about 20-30 mins the adrenaline stopped pumping. I was walking from room to room remembering the past. I was out in the garden. My father-in-law had greeted me with a malt he had gotten for father's day. I also managed to fix their DVD player which had been out of use for a long time. It was so good. Everyone seemed happy- even the kids.

Its more though than an achievement. Its a possibility. We could not stay long as we had not planned to go and so it was near 21:30 when we got there with an hour's drive back home and my wife working first thing in the morning. I was really happy though that when I left I was not asking to leave. I did not even want to go if I am honest. And here is the possibility. I was actually thinking I could stay. If my wife was not working we could stay the night and return home in morning. That is a thought that has not crossed my mind for the best part of a decade. Not only that but I have been thinking of so many possibilities since. Staying overnight at a travel inn or a short break again at Loch Lomond with the family. Possibilities are there. Going places and returning to work. Its like another door has been opened. 

Birds

After walking 3 miles I was knackered and so I headed home. The last leg to home took me across the car park of a small retail park housing a Lidl, B&M and Farmfoods. It was empty. All that was there was me- and a seagull. A seagull sat on a high pole and as I approached it let out a screech. And it did not stop this high pitched irritating sound. Then came another which flew over me and rested on a building behind. The birds. I was waiting for more and more to come but they didn't. Just noisy and the wing man. I've never been unsettled by birds and at this point still was not. The closest I had come to that was in my twenties walking my dog in a field and a bird started chasing it and dive bombing it and I was running about trying to hit with whatever I could find. I have been in the local park full of gulls, pigeons and all sorts of other birds without worry. This was no different. That was until I heard noise behind me and turned to see wing man come right at me. I had to duck and then stood up to find squawky coming at me. And that is how it went. Front and back. At one stage I was running with my heart thumping out my chest because I am not used to running and these two gulls flying at me from both sides. Scarey. That was until I found some stones and went for them. I was so annoyed. That though just frustrated me. They stood their ground and continued to circle and the few stones I threw missed by a distance. I've no idea why they decided to attack and as someone who hates ay kind of violence towards animals I did not enjoy retaliating but I also have to say I was angry and next time will probably react with even more fury if there is another unprovoked attack.

It unsettled me a bit. I won't lie. I'm not looking at the skies. I went a big walk yesterday and ended up going through an industrial estate. As luck would have it I ended up going down a road where there was no one. No people at all. But there were two gulls. And that high pitched voice noise again and I thought: really? As I walked down they moved from lamp post to lamp post and the noise did not stop. They flew over me and a few times but not as close as that other vermin. Still it was unsettling so soon after that first time. No idea what this is all about but not something I need. I won't let it put me off. I will fight back.

Dunblane and Rouken Glen

I was shivering so much my teeth were chattering and my body was physically shaking. July. Surely I cannot be this could in July can I? But I couldn't stop shaking. And I knew that despite the fact I had only walked a few feet from the car I would have to turn back. I said to my wife who looked surprised when I said how could I was. She had not more on than me and didn't feel the slightest bit cold. Was I imagining it? Was it just anxiety? On the latter although I could not see it at the time it appears to have been at least a factor. I have never been so happy to get a heat once locked away inside the car. But I did not feel panic. In fact I could have sat there quite the thing but it was late and we had to go home. More than that though as I started to heat up  the thought of going out and shaking with the cold did not appeal. If only we had thought to pack jackets but who packs jackets in July? Scottish people, that's who. But we didn't. So we left.

Dunblane Cathedral. Its a beautiful building and I had been outside it but no further. There was a map in the car park showing a bridge over the river to a war memorial and that is where we were heading before I had to retreat. My wife was sure it was anxiety too. I can't argue. Just strange that I was definitely not having a panic attack- I would know. But we will return. If nothing else its the furthest north I have been in 9 years so  that was an achievement and if anxiety did get the better of me then I will accept it because I cannot expect it plain sailing every time. We will go back fully equipped that is for sure. And even if I did not get to walk about I did at least get to see the famous gold post box at least.

Rouken Glen. Its somewhere else we have found to go and a lovely little place. I saw "we" but this time it was all my wife's doing. I had never heard of it before. In my search for new places to go to I had been looking at South Lanarkshire which is the region I live it so that made since. But that covers a huge area and where we are is actually close at points to other regions. So I had not looked beyond and my wife had found this park. Lovely. The focal point for the kids was a big play park but for me it was the waterfall. When I posted about Dalzell Estate I said I had been somewhere else but would post about it later. This is where it was and we did go back which gave me the opportunity to enjoy it properly.

The first time I go anywhere its usually a case of just getting through it and only when I return can I actually relax and enjoy the place. The first visit was not bad on the anxiety front but not great either. The photo of the falls above is taken from a footbridge across it. This was taken on the second visit. On the first I got there, snappy snap on automatic and then off to the next thing. It was like an endurance course to get through. The second time I did the same but before leaving stopped. I had a thought. The first time I was so disappointed by the images I had. So harsh and unappealing (see photos at the end of the post which were taken in haste). This time I decided if I took a longer exposure it would look better and it did. I was very pleased because I can't seem to find my tripod anywhere so had to take this shot handheld which is not easy with a longer exposure. It says more about my camera's inbuilt image stabilisation than my steady grip though if I am honest.

Again I will end with a selection of photos from my visit there. They say and mean more than I could ever write.

 

Learning to fly

Five has become four- for a week at least. It makes me feel a bit restless. Like a missing finger or toe we are a little  incomplete. Today has all been about my youngest girl. She turned ten years old, opened her presents and then was whisked for for a week. Its been a bit rushed. Can't imagine what it been like for her but I would imagine she has been caught up in a wave of excitement. 

A couple of days ago my inlaws came through and as they had done for the oldest last month on her 12th birthday they did for her sister's 10th birthday. That was to take everyone out to Equi's restaurant for a meal. Equis is an Italian chip shop which is known also for its ice cream- Nutella, Watermelon and a few other favourites amongst my kids. Every other year its  been a no go for me but I was dragged along last month even if I did only have a beer and no food. This time though I was determined to eat despite the anxiety and so I had a battered hamburger and chips. To my surprise I ate it all. Not to my surprise I was first finished and anxiety makes me rush my food. Usually that leads me to indigestion but thankfully not this time. Its a reason I have tried (and failed) to eat mindfully and enjoy the food rather than shovel it in. Plenty of time to practice. It was good to eat out though.

Today was a birthday lunch in ASDA and then a birthday meal at McDonalds before finally it was time for my daughter to leave. Last year her auntie too her sister to Italy and this year it was her turn to go to Lake Garda. A very lucky girl and she appreciated it. My wife had to drive her out to Glasgow Airport. For me that was off limits last year and to be honest no different this year. But I went. I was determined to see her off and I thought I had to at least try. So I went. It was hard. There was no way it was not going to be but I did it. My only disappointment was that I didn't  see one plane. All I have to do now is spot one and get on it. Piece of cake. :)

Joking aside its another big thing to tick off the list. I started 2015 having never been on public transport for over 10 years and then got on a bus. A train will be next. Maybe a boat at some stage and possibly a plane one day. Getting to the airport at least is something. Its a big thing even if I don't feel I have actually been there having not seen a plane. 

Without care

Things continue  to change- for the better. Its almost seemless and although I am still a long way from my destination I can at least now see it. I can at the very least take some comfort in knowing I will get there however long it takes. Its a fact rather than a hope. The CBT I have read and done teaches that these things cannot be unlearned. A couple of times in the past I contacted the author worried that I was going backwards and he assured me I cannot and that has proved to be the case. So that gives me the confidence to push on and with that confidence I see more and more when I reflect on things I have done recently I see I am thinking about consequences less and less. And that is a good thing. That is the way it is supposed to be. If I could go anywhere and not be apprehensive before hand and worried about getting home with every step while out then I would be recovered. As Dr Claire Weekes used to say its not about stopping the panic its about not caring whether we panic or not. And that is the state I am getting closer and closer to each time I go out. That is the difference. My path began with a thought before each step and is now moving to each step without care.

It is though not without incident. I do not expect it to keep going incident free and this year I have posted about a few occassions where I have been reminded of how bad panic can be but I am at least not allowing those to hold me back. Its given me freedom to a greater extent than I had before. I have to look back and remind myself just how far I have come. I was reading the other day "Little Girl Adventure" which I posted 5 years ago. It all takes place around the block- less than a third of a mile and never more than a fifth of a mile from home. Even then it was hard. That is what the kids were used to. It got me thinking to the time before that. I remember one walk a day. Almost halfway around the block. One day I'd go one way. The next day I'd go the other way. And at that it took a long time to overlap. I remember the first time I crossed that no man's land. I remember the panic. From there it developed into walking around the block without fear- or not much at least. Now its much better. The lead photo is the two youngest at Bothwell Bridge- an area actually known as "The Lido Gardens". I walked them down there on my own. Over a mile one way and so well over two miles there and back. Changed days but the fact I am still counting the distances says I still have some work to do. I have also taken them down to the David Livingstone Centre this week which is another round trip of over 2 miles.

Its not just the walks on my own. We have also been going places in the car thanks to my wife driving. The photo above is from one of the hides around swampland knows as Baron's Haugh. I've never before wished for a big soom lens but as I sat tucked away in there looking out at all of nature I sure did. Not just me but my oldest girl too who has suddenly taken an interest in wildlife photography in the past few months. That was today. It was actually our second trip to that area in the past week as there are two parts to it. This is the bird nature reserve which is situated to the east of the Dalzell Estate. We went there on Thursday and it was lovely. Lots of good walks and plenty of things of interest to see. The focal point of the estate is Dalzell House but that is now privately owned so we could not go in there. Below is a selection of photos from there. Its a nice place to visit.


We also visited another place of interest but I will leave that for another post as we plan to go back again soon. For now some photos from Dalzell Estate and Baron's Haugh.