t has been a while since my last post. I wish I could say its because I have been off living instead but that is not entirely true. A reluctance to post is my real reason for not posting. Why? I've been trying to get my head around things. For some reason things have suddenly gotten hard even though they are better and in order for me to post about it I have had to try to get my head around it. To some extent I have but not entirely.
I'd like to think the posts of late have been fairly positive- in comparison to the years before surely so. That is the way I would like it to stay but only if its the truth. Thankfully on the whole that is the truth. Things are good. If not good then they are at the very least a hell of a lot better. I am still doing things and going places and looking ahead. It is the latter I think that has caused me some confusion.
I have to look back at the last post I made and see where I have been inbetween. The shopping centre. From a time of coping I really struggled with that. I got through it but for the first time in a long while I did something that I vowed not to do again because I struggled so badly with it. And therein I cast the first doubt which from there forward makes everything else harder. Doubt is easily added to and comes more easily.
That was 6 weeks ago. The kids went back to school, with my oldest starting high school, and so the routine was set again. We have been going places and I have been walking further. On these counts all good. But then I started to wake in the morning very early and more worryingly in panic. I'd read about this happening to people but always skipped it because it never happened to me. Now it was. Every morning it was happening and so I was dreading going to bed and filled with dread waking up. I couldn't understand it. Over time I started to see I was not actually waking in panic. The panic came shortly after waking. The panic came shortly after a flood of thoughts.
The walks, the drives, the meal, the overnight and all the other "achievements". I had built a wall around me- a brick bubble. All these little things were like taking a sledgehammer to the wall. And what I thought was that I could chip away at the wall piece by piece removing bits of bricks as I went. That is how I expected it to happen. A whole load of learned behaviours and experiences would be unlearned and replaced by new experiences. Chip, chip. That is how I thought it would go.The first hole and a ray of light shining through. The world beyond. The world though was not light, it was water. It was an ocean of water and everything came flooding through the small gap overwhelming me.
And that is what it is. Now that I know its easier to understand but still taking me time to get to grips with. I was waking and seeing my kids all grown up with missing years in between. Where were the birthdays? Why don't we have a house? How am I ever going to get a job? All these things came at me in rapid succession and put me into panic and it was a morning routine that happened too fast for me to see. I was waking with a different outlook of the world around me. I was back in touch with life and it was consuming me a bit too quick.
The good news is though I now see that and over the past week or so I have stopped waking in that sweat, confusion and breathlessness of panic in the wee hours. I am instead sleeping through. Instead of fear for the future I am trying to make plans to make it better for the kids who have missed out on so much but still have so much time ahead of them. I am seeing the past is passed and the future yet to be written. All stories that have not ended can have a happy ending and that is my goal now for the kids.
