Ghost town

  

Once a hub it is now dead. The centre of town. Glasgow Road, the main road from town into the big city. Dead. I was the only person there, on foot at least. Plenty of people in cars passing through but no one stopping except for at traffic lights. Nowhere open so no reason really to linger. I'd like to say its down to lock down but that is only a part. It was a ghost town before then. Old photos circulate of crowds and happy faces and night life. Nothing now and I fear after lock down still nothing. Businesses shut forever, the ones not crushed the first time around by the arrival of the big supermarket. I wonder how many town centres will go the same way given the shift in lock down to shopping online. I wonder if things ever will be the same again. I seriously doubt it. 

A year in the wilderness

  

Is it a year already since the PM announced that the country would go into lockdown? It is. To me though it feels a lot longer. I am not sure why but it does. It feels like a lifetime ago that people were clapping for the NHS on their doorsteps. Those nights I walked through deserted streets with the dog feeling like the lone wanderer from the "Fallout" series feel even more distant. So much so that it is all a little foggy. I remember the chill when walking down the park and seeing the kids play area taped off like a crime scene with covid warnings not to touch. Again though it feels more than a year ago. And still a year from now we cannot say for sure where we will be as the likes of France and Italy extend their lockdown while bracing for a possible 3rd wave on the continent.

Yesterday the land fell silent for a minute to remember the near one hundred and fifty thousand lives that have been lost since the start of the pandemic. That figure unfortunately continues to grow. And at night people are asked to hold a light vigil from their doorstep to mark the loss on what has been called a "day of reflection". We should reflect of course but its also difficult when this episode is still ongoing and its end uncertain. One day it will be over I am sure and that is when I think as a nation we can truly reflect. 

The Terror

 

" The Terror "

There are so many online streaming services at the moment it is hard to keep up. Among it all its easy to forget that the BBC has a lot of free content too- for licence payers at least. Having a love of adventures at sea whether it be a Wilbur Smith trilogy or my favourite read "Sea wolf" by Jack London I am akways drawn to the sea. After seeing a trailer of "The Terror" based on the book by Dan Simmons which I have not read I was drawn further. That work of fiction was itself based on fact following John Franklin's ill fated voyage to uncover the North West passage- the last foggy area on the world map.

It was fascinating. The artist licence granted irked a bit but otherwise it felt really authentic. Some of the scenes of sprawling icescapes with the Northern lights were spectacular. The sense of desolation was felt. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

It got me thinking about why I am drawn to the sea. It is afterall just water sitting on land. Something draws me though. Maybe its in the blood. When researching my family my oldest direct relative was a marine engineer who drowned. Some of his descendants worked at sea. My uncle worked on trawlers. Do we inherit something from our forefathers?

Last note. The photo above is of course neither the Terror or Erabus. It is the RRS Discovery docked in Dundee next to the V&A building. I was there 4 years ago when movement was more free. 

School Day

  

A quarter of a year had passed since the last normal school day. So long ago I had to ask as I could not remember. The younger girl has been back doing a 2 or 3 days a week, depending on the week, for the last few weeks. The boy though told me his last day had been December. That is quite a gap. I didn't realise it had been so long. This pandemic period has made time skewed and I think most of us will look back trying to find what happened in periods of lost time. Yesterday though he returned for one day a week until Easter when the plan is to have all school children back full time. Today was a taste of that. He really enjoyed seeing friends he had not seen for so long but as its staggered there are some he still will not see for another month. Its a start though.

It was a great coincidence that it coincided with an unusually warm bright day. It was good to see kids smiling walking back from school in the sun. Maybe some glimmer of a turn in the fight against covid. Or maybe not. Only time will tell but it felt like a start. 

Panic at home

  

I woke on Monday morning with a feeling of impending doom. It was there in the darkness making me physically squirm and finally get up to let in the light. This though only took the edge off it. The doom remained. Even now I don't know why but thankfully its been a while. Because its been a while it started to lead into panic. I was awake alone, had to take the dog out and came back still unable to shake this apprehensive anxiety. It brought about sweats. My wife and youngest girl were due up for school. I felt hemmed in. Nowhere to escape to with this rising panic when I need to be alone. I had to get the boy up shortly after for home schooling. It accelerated and agitation grew and I got more and more restless then suddenly it stopped. More than that though I knew I was fine. Unlike most past times when the threat remained this time I was OK, reassured of no repeat.

It got me to questioning when my last panic attack was. I can't remember. Certainly I have had less in the past year. That is ironic really. Where most have had their mental health challenged in lockdown my own has been helped. Why? Because outdoor life has been restricted I've had less situation to panic. When it was quiet outside it helped. Of course this is not a long term help because when the mad world returns to crowds the panic will return. For now though it has helped. 

Until December last year I really had a hard time mentally with dread. I think this could have been an echo of that. Things didn't just go from very bad to good overnight. Those feelings are etched into my body and mind. The waking in dread soaked in sweat feeling there was no way out. The feeling of suffocation. Just the darkest of places which bizarrely brought about an acceptance because I realised it was out of my hands. Those effects don't just disappear. These I feel are memories of that. The effects are long lasting. Even now I am reluctant to check my bank account online fearing there will be nothing in it and its months since I did so. That was a fear that was with me for a long time and I just cannot shake it despite there being no danger now even if there was nothing in the account. 

All these months on I thought the good news in December would see me striding back to wellness where I was a few years ago but it hasn't. I cannot explain why. This episode of panic is not new lately and my fear is its getting more regular. Because I went so far back my world has shrunk and with that anxiety grows each day. So I must return to the CBT which helped me so much previously. I cannot afford to sit back and allow my world to be swallowed again. I need to push on now and try to just ride the waves that are coming.

Monkey puzzle

 

" Monkey puzzle "

My wife had to go to the chemist today so I walked the dog with her to get some fresh air. It was a lovely day. As we approached I kept my distance as there is a limit to 3 people allowed in so invariably a little queue outside. The dog barked enough from over the road so getting closer would have been no fun for anyone. To pass the time I looked about. I'm not one for standing looking into a phone for stimulus. When out I prefer to take it all in.

My attention was grabbed by a big tree in a garden. I knew it to be a Monkey puzzle tree. I don't know about trees but I'd read about this years ago in a local article. There are actually a number of them in town. After reading about them I seemed to notice more and more. The origins of the name? Apparently it came from an observation by someone that a monkey would find the tree a puzzle to climb owing to its strange shape. It is a thing of interest. It sticks out, it looks foreign and yet most would walk past it without noticing it due to having their faces caught in the glare of a social media screen. It is apparently the national tree of Chile and native to South America. Its a wonder as to how it firstly ended up here and secondly seems to thrive. It does look like something from another land. 

Grandfather

 

" Grandfather "

Today, strangely, would have been my grandfather's 103rd birthday if he had lived that long but sadly nowhere near it as he was 66 years old when he died. Paternal grandfather that is. It all seems so long ago now as I was just a child but I can still remember that shrill screech piercing through me as he sharpened knives on the concrete steps. And those are the memories I hold dearest. I blank out the last years of deterioration and his epic fight to cling on. He was a fighter. He'd been on 3 different boats that had been sunk - quite literally a Jonah my uncle would say. I have his medical report from when he was plucked out the North Sea with hyperthermia. My gran told me of the difficult months after. But he was a fighter. His dad died before he was one and by all accounts his step father beat him to the point that he joined the army at his first opportunity. His difficult times were just beginning but that is a take for another day.

What saddens me is that I did not get enough time with him. Or at least time I remember. From a very young age he and my gran took me on holiday each year. Always seaside towns in Scotland and England. I have the photos but not the memories. That though is more than my maternal grandfather though who I don't even have a photo of and most likely never will. He was killed in a traffic accident before I was born and had an equally eventful life having been born out of wedlock in Reading and adopted by a much older couple. Im not sure why he ended up in Scotland but presume it was the RAF which he worked in before joining the fire service then the prison service. I do wish I could put a face to what little I have on him but as I said that is very unlikely. 

Security

  

I do detest the faceless criminals hiding behind their keyboards looking for something for nothing but thankfully I have at least had few causes for concerns. And when my bank account was dry it was not a problem. It was only when I had savings at one point that I was robbed virtually but again that was a long time ago. Having some money coming in now has made me paranoid. I've not used my bank card outside because I fear a hack just as happened to my wife last year

I don't get "contactless". We have spent years trying to add more layers of security and then something comes along where you need no security at all. That confuses me. I could find someone's card in a shop and without knowing the pin code can use that card contactlessly at a checkout to buy shopping. I can't remember the limit but because of covid it was raised. That makes no sense to me. Its got me paranoid to the point I was considering opening up another bank account just for shopping and just transfer money online as needed. That though means accessing online more frequently which in my head means more chance of a hack. You can't win!

This all came to mind because I got up today to find many red letter alerts from Google on my phone. To me it was rather sinister. It wasn't something vague about updating security or about a possible breech. It was a message telling me in no uncertain terms that "someone knows your password". That felt very personal. Someone knowing that cannot harm me financially like they could if it was my bank but they can invade privacy. I think of someone sitting looking through pictures of the kids and the like. Can't be helped. Password changed now and all secure again- until next time. There is though a feeling of vulnerability there now as I am sure other people are feeling and that can lead to the paranoia I feel too. I don't like it but we have no choice. There is no other way it today's world unfortunately 

Grandmother

 

" Grandmother "

By law of nature we all have 4 natural grandparents somewhere down the tree even if they are not known. Of course nowadays that is a bit more clouded but in essence it's still the same however you look at it. Growing up I only knew one set of grandparents and they meant the world to me. They are sadly no longer with us but definitely never forgotten.

I barely knew my maternal grandmother. Some family fall out meant that last time I saw her wad 1983 when I was heading to be a teenager and not far off my own boy's age. Even up until that point I have very few memories of her. My biggest regret there is that I did not reach out to her. When she died in 2000, something I only found out much later at the registry office, I was living in the same town as her and had been for a few years. No point lamenting now.

My paternal grandmother would have been 97 years old today had she not lost her fight with lung cancer in 2004. She was the lynch pin keeping everything and everyone together. Shortly after her death all the family fell apart but it was not a surprise. It was inevitable which unfortunately was the only thing she wished not to happen. She is never far from my thoughts. I spent so much of my early life with her in Glasgow and she was kind throughout. I wish she'd lived a little longer to see the kids having died in between the birth of the two girls but by then my problems were esculating making visits a struggle. Even in hospital I only visited once saying I would return but couldn't. The funeral was extremely difficult and it would be over a decade after that day before I would make it to that part of the world again.