276 Crosses

 

" Crosses "

The church across the road from me have erected a big decoration to the gable end in celebration of Easter. To be honest I'm not sure what it is but maybe I'm standing too close underneath and should instead look from afar. Anyway this morning I found this little paper cross lying in the dirt. As I walked further with the dog I found more and most were sadly ripped up.

Knowing they must have come from the church I went around to find that underneath the decoration there were a couple of paper Crosses with a sign saying to take one. Whether you are religious or not it's a nice gesture considering families cannot get to church at this time. It angers me that idiots would just take them for the sole purpose of wrecking them. What is the point in that? Pointless but not surprising I am afraid. 

Ghost town

  

Once a hub it is now dead. The centre of town. Glasgow Road, the main road from town into the big city. Dead. I was the only person there, on foot at least. Plenty of people in cars passing through but no one stopping except for at traffic lights. Nowhere open so no reason really to linger. I'd like to say its down to lock down but that is only a part. It was a ghost town before then. Old photos circulate of crowds and happy faces and night life. Nothing now and I fear after lock down still nothing. Businesses shut forever, the ones not crushed the first time around by the arrival of the big supermarket. I wonder how many town centres will go the same way given the shift in lock down to shopping online. I wonder if things ever will be the same again. I seriously doubt it. 

274 Rubbish

 

" Rubbish "

I actually changed the image above. On a late night walk with the dog I plucked up the courage to take a picture of a garden where there were more bin bags than grass. Awful. Two of them actually in close proximity where rats were reported previously. Everyday rubbish but also used disposable nappies and the like. Who is to blame though? The home owners or the council? I can't say for sure but will say its probably just coincidence that after months of buildup the rubbish all disappeared this week- the first week of election build up.

I was going to use it but it did make me feel guilty. Then I saw this sign today whole out. Good sentiment but unfortunately it will be ignored. This place is a mess with litter. The majority have no pride. Not all though. There are groups who do voluntary litter pick ups targeting specific areas. Unfortunately soon after they are litter ridden again. Why bother? 

273 Scotland game

 

" Scotland game "

The highlight of my day was watching the football World Cup qualifier between Israel and Scotland from Tel Aviv. It was fascinating not for the football itself but for the fact there were spectators. After a year of watching football games in empty stadiums it was a joy to see and hear fans. 5000 in total were allowed in but it felt like more. The commentator even mentioned that despite his dislike of someone beating a drum for 90 minutes it was a welcome change this time around.

In a few months time London will be hosting some of the Euro 20 games with Glasgow and Dublin pencilled in to host games too. Its hoped by then that these grounds will be at least a third full. That is the plan. I do have to say though that UEFA leave as bad a taste in thd mouth as FIFA. the European body are threatening to take away hosting if a nation cannot accommodate the 33% of fans it needs to turn a profit. Its up there with the world body's decision to give Qatar the Premier competition next year with rumoured slave labour being on a par with Rio 3 years ago. Its enough to put even someone like me off the game. These past few years I have felt very conflicted. A cade in point is a 17 year old in Germany wanting £100k a week while NHS staff here are offered a 1% pay rise. Surely the balance is wrong there. 

272 Busy

 

" Busy "

I went down the park today for the first time in a while. I used to do it most weekdays when the kids were at primary. The last time I was down it was empty due to lockdown. Today I was taken aback by how busy it was. At is busiest in lockdown I saw 2 or at most 3 cars on the ashpark next to the skate park. Above there are 14 but that was not all. There were more in the council building behind me and even more in the car park for the Sport Centre at the top. The park behind was mobbed with people. I really could not believe it. It was like lockdown was over. It was like the old days. I've no idea how long it's been going on. Weather was poor too. If it had been a scorcher it may have been overrun. 

271 Roamin' in the gloamin'

 

" Roamin' in the gloamin' "

Well at least I thought I was. The dark has always been a good time for me since my anxiety problems started but even more so since lockdown. That said I have never been completely at ease. I heard the founder of "the Big Issue" say the other week he likes to put headphones on and have a long walk in the dark. I couldnt do it minus a sense I have to say. I need my ears to keep me safe. That particular conversation led to the other people, all female, saying they don't feel safe in the dark. This was before the recent vigils Following the murder of Sarah Everard. Its not a safe place for a line person for sure.

With the dog though its easier. He is an alarm, a fairly loud one. I do like those last walks and more so since the world is mostly uninhabited at that time. I have always referred to this in my head ad Roamin in the gloamin but it appears I have been mistaken. The gloaming in Scots is twilight or dusk, not pitch black. It even led me to discovering dusk comes after the light of twilight has gone when I thought they were the same thing. Everyday is a school day for me. 

270 Beat the street

 

" Beat the street "

For the first time in over two weeks I went for a walk on the back of yesterday's struggles. It was a bit of a struggle in itself but expected. Along the way I came across two of these boxes. They are to do with an initiative named "Beat the street" which I knew about after reading about it in the local online paper. It's a very good idea. It basically turns a town into a game designed to get adults and kids alike to walk, run or cycle around a map. It's UK wide and they move it from town to town. As far as I know you sign up, get a fog and then traverse the map registering your fob at each box. There are prizes also as incentive.

I really wish this had either come out a few years ago or I was able to walk those distances today. I would love to do this with the boy to get him away from his PlayStation for a bit. And also push me on. Unfortunately looking at the map two boxes are all I can manage at the minute of the sixty give which is a pity. Part of me though wants to see just how many I could push myself to do. It's an option. 

269 School run

 

" School run "

Today felt weird. It was the boy's second week back at school, a one day week. Last week it sort of didn't touch me because my wife drove him and his sister to high school then picked them up. Today though his sister is off and my wife is working all day. He was quite happy, I think, to walk himself but I didn't feel that was right even though that is what I did at his age. I could not take the dog has he won't go far at busy times. I was concerned by what I would come back to.

As I said it felt weird. The last time I walked my son to school was a year ago. He wore blue, he was smaller and we went in a different direction to the primary. Also though I was not comfortable. My lack of walks of late came back to bite me. I walked about halfway before anxiety got the better of me. Thankfully the dog had behaved himself. Later I met the boy from school too around the same spot. Slowly again bits of normality returning. 

A year in the wilderness

  

Is it a year already since the PM announced that the country would go into lockdown? It is. To me though it feels a lot longer. I am not sure why but it does. It feels like a lifetime ago that people were clapping for the NHS on their doorsteps. Those nights I walked through deserted streets with the dog feeling like the lone wanderer from the "Fallout" series feel even more distant. So much so that it is all a little foggy. I remember the chill when walking down the park and seeing the kids play area taped off like a crime scene with covid warnings not to touch. Again though it feels more than a year ago. And still a year from now we cannot say for sure where we will be as the likes of France and Italy extend their lockdown while bracing for a possible 3rd wave on the continent.

Yesterday the land fell silent for a minute to remember the near one hundred and fifty thousand lives that have been lost since the start of the pandemic. That figure unfortunately continues to grow. And at night people are asked to hold a light vigil from their doorstep to mark the loss on what has been called a "day of reflection". We should reflect of course but its also difficult when this episode is still ongoing and its end uncertain. One day it will be over I am sure and that is when I think as a nation we can truly reflect. 

267 Shopping relaxation

 

" Shopping relaxation "

There is a definite feeling that the rules in my local supermarket are easing with regards to covid protection. More than that there is a sense that its permanent. Slowly normality is returning and I doubt restrictions will return unless something unforeseen happens which is unlikely. Two things were apparent tonight. No longer is one aisle the sole place to queue at the checkout socially distance while a member of staff orchestrates the till matching. That is made clear in the photo above. The other though is my pet hate- face masks are no longer enforced. I saw many people without masks tonight and no one at the entrance challenging as they had been. What gets under my skin most is it always seems to be the biggest loudmouth fog horn that is mask less. The one that everyone in the store hears no matter where you are. The one wanting to be challenged, craving the confrontation.

What I did realise tonight is how social distance has actually been helping me without realising it. I've not felt that anxiety at checkouts I used to feel. That was until tonight. Tonight we started to unpack the trolley right behind someone and likewise the person behind was breathing down my neck. I felt hemmed in. Just an observation. Also though it was a reminder to myself to use self service if required. That is less claustrophobic for sure so that is what I will do if I'm on my own. 

The Terror

 

" The Terror "

There are so many online streaming services at the moment it is hard to keep up. Among it all its easy to forget that the BBC has a lot of free content too- for licence payers at least. Having a love of adventures at sea whether it be a Wilbur Smith trilogy or my favourite read "Sea wolf" by Jack London I am akways drawn to the sea. After seeing a trailer of "The Terror" based on the book by Dan Simmons which I have not read I was drawn further. That work of fiction was itself based on fact following John Franklin's ill fated voyage to uncover the North West passage- the last foggy area on the world map.

It was fascinating. The artist licence granted irked a bit but otherwise it felt really authentic. Some of the scenes of sprawling icescapes with the Northern lights were spectacular. The sense of desolation was felt. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

It got me thinking about why I am drawn to the sea. It is afterall just water sitting on land. Something draws me though. Maybe its in the blood. When researching my family my oldest direct relative was a marine engineer who drowned. Some of his descendants worked at sea. My uncle worked on trawlers. Do we inherit something from our forefathers?

Last note. The photo above is of course neither the Terror or Erabus. It is the RRS Discovery docked in Dundee next to the V&A building. I was there 4 years ago when movement was more free. 

265 Urge

 

" Urge "

I was listening to someone talk about crime and the supernatural and it got me thinking. In this case it was apparently a true story but who an tell. What happened was a man in thd South of England kept having dreams about a certain person. One night driving by a pub he had an urge to go in and do did. Nothing strange inside but then he noticed a missing persons poster if the person in his dreams. He went to the police and told them the story and in the end the person was found. Again there is no proof though in the public domain do you can take it or leave it.

Apologies if I've said this before but it reminded me of an incident at primary school I may have mentioned before. The first of what turned out to be two incidences of our school getting torched meant we spent a few years in a Portakabin. One rainy day the teacher asked me to move to a seat for reasons I cannot recall and I refused- I had a strong unknown urge not to. After several orders and her blowing her top I was on the verge of being sent to the headmaster when a hole opened in the roof and water soaked the chair missing the chairs either side. I remember the disbelief in Ms Smiths face. I remember the surge of adrenaline at the general awe in the classroom.

It was a one off as far as I can recall and no doubt just a series of things luckily coming together. I remember reading about someone who looked into such things and could mostly debunk them. Like sitting in a library, feeling someone's eyes on you and turning to find them staring. The truth is people tend to stare into space in a library. You will find the same in busy buses or trains. Most can be explained but not all. It does make me wonder whether there are some occasions where there is something more. An urge that cannot be explained. 

264 Election

 

" Election "

The poll cards came through the door today for my wife and I suddenly making the Scottish election real. In the muggy days of pandemic nothing seems to happen with even Brexit flying mostly under the radar. Here in Scotland though elections kick off in May and its going to be strange not having to avoid answering the door or passing filling lungs on soap boxes. I've never been political so won't start now but have had more an an ear to the ground in the past 7 years since sitting up all night watching the Independence referendum returns. This time I am fully engaged but ironically feeling my choice is not my own.

Anyway for now I won't go into that. A few years back I voted for the first time in a very long time. In fact I think I voted on two separate occasions. This time I don't feel up to it. I expect the process to involve a longer wait and queuing. So now I must look into the process of postal voting. It seems the only way. At a glance it involves filling out a form online but I have no idea whether that has to be printed out which I can't do. It's my job for today. Without going into detail I will be voting tactically and at this point don't know who for but it could mean breaking a teenage promise. If so that would say a lot about the alternative. 

263 Finders keepers

 

" Finders keepers "

On the balance of things maybe the universe is paying us back some in installments for doing the right thing even if it has not always been afforded to us. My wife had the dog out before school on Tuesday and found a five pound note over the road. No chance of finding the owner. Today I was near the same spot and found a ten pound note. Same story. If there was some way of finding the owner then I would of course return it but there is not. I do think its a little payback.

In recent years I can think of many instances where we have done someone a good turn at no benefit to ourselves other than the good feeling you get from helping someone. Even something as small as taking in those shoes the other week which we could have feigned all knowledge of. Weeks before that I found a boy's phone while shopping left outside, handed it into the shop and then by chance we stumbled into the boy later which was even more strange. I'd found the phone next to a dog tied up outside the doors of B&M. A staff member right there. Yet after handing it in they didn't give it to him. We'd gone home and unusually for my wife she came out with me to walk the dog around the block. It was she who recognised the dog from outside the shop and a distressed looking boy so went over and explained to the young lad who was very grateful to return to the shop. We found a new iPhone outside Sainsburys which we handed in. I found a phone and house key which we were able to return. My wife found a phone around the back we returned and out walking the dog we found a bank card we returned. And so many more. The beauty of being connected is that these things can be done.

Nothing in return but we were not looking for anything other than the same respect. That was missing when one day I dropped a tenner in ASDA and could not find it, it wasn't handed in. Likewise my good hat fell out my pocket in there and despite it being near empty I never got it back. I was raging because I noticed quickly and retraced quicker so some thieving sod was aware yet pocketed it. Those incidents though would not stop us helping someone out again but can make you question things. I had to chase someone last year who stole solar lights from outside our door and disturbed someone another night stealing the couple of plants we had planted. £15 doesn't cover it but it's material I suppose. 

262 Superfast

 

" Superfast "

Call me cynical but when something you have desired for the year you needed it most was absent then suddenly appears in a promise 2 months before an election then I am prone to probe further. And right I was. A year of lockdown for the kids especially was not helped by a poor broadband setup. I'm not talking social media here but even just watching a film on Netflix was usually interrupted by long pauses and home schooling could be frustrating. It is shocking really. So a card through the door from the government with a pledge to provide 100% coverage in Scotland for Superfast broadband by the end of this year was music to our ears. It wouldn't get my vote but would get my thanks.

But then I was jumping the gun of course getting my hopes up briefly before the cynicism waded in. As seen above there is an address to access and find out exactly when your home would be hooked up. I did and was fuming to read possibly 2023. Outraged even. It was all a stunt. A stunt aimed at lazy people who would read they were getting faster Internet free guaranteed (100% coverage) and would accept that without further query. Then after they vote in May and wait for that fast connection that never comes. Of course for lots of people it will come but not 100% of us. There is some guff about vouchers and the like, sticky plasters, but I'm not interested. 

School Day

  

A quarter of a year had passed since the last normal school day. So long ago I had to ask as I could not remember. The younger girl has been back doing a 2 or 3 days a week, depending on the week, for the last few weeks. The boy though told me his last day had been December. That is quite a gap. I didn't realise it had been so long. This pandemic period has made time skewed and I think most of us will look back trying to find what happened in periods of lost time. Yesterday though he returned for one day a week until Easter when the plan is to have all school children back full time. Today was a taste of that. He really enjoyed seeing friends he had not seen for so long but as its staggered there are some he still will not see for another month. Its a start though.

It was a great coincidence that it coincided with an unusually warm bright day. It was good to see kids smiling walking back from school in the sun. Maybe some glimmer of a turn in the fight against covid. Or maybe not. Only time will tell but it felt like a start. 

260 Double birthday

 

" Double birthday"

Today two celebrated their birthday but only one was aware. The dog was oblivious to his second year on the planet but we wished him well anyway. More importantly it was my father in law's birthday which he unfortunately had to spend in hospital following a stroke the other week. That was hard for him and hard for his four daughters too.

A year ago he had just lost his wife and constant companion two months earlier before being left alone at home into lockdown. That must have been hard enough. The past year must have been a nightmare. But then being found in a bad way and submitted to hospital revealed bigger problems. I sort of mentioned it previously not knowing at the time the severity of his situation. He is 60 miles away and at that time we had no means of communication. All I knew is that the stroke had left him unable to speak, or that was what I thought I heard.

It wasn't until a video call was set up that I realised how bad things were. In my ignorance I expected him to be the same but struggling to get words out like someone with a sever stammer. I'd even suggested someone drop in a whiteboard and marker in case he got frustrated trying to say something. That is not how it was at all. It was gibberish mostly. He knows what he wants to say but the thoughts are not linking to the words to the speech. The odd word is OK but mostly it's gibberish that you cannot even guess at. That was very hard for my wife and kids. There is a helplessness on both sides and a sadness. Things have thankfully improved but not a lot. It will be a long time before he is out which is bad enough but whether he has a problem read and writing or doesn't have the will be appears not to be doing the things that interested him previously. Hopefully that will improve in time. But the call today was better, my wife seemed happier. He seemed more content and less frustrated. Its a slow process but hopefully this time next year things will be better for him. 

259 Mothers day

 

" Mothers day "

I felt sorry for the youngest two kids this morning. They got up unusually early and even more unusually went to the shops. They were gone a long while. Finally they arrived home looking a bit gutted and empty handed. They'd gone for a card and flowers and could get neither. I should have known. Yesterday there were queues outside the shop which had me fearing lockdown measures again across the board but now I see it was to stop crowding around mothers day stuff. As always I should of acted earlier but in my defence my suggestions days before fell on deaf ears.

But it all turned out OK. Instead they made their own card as they sometimes do and my wife appreciated that more than a store bought one. Later I got her a bottle of something to celebrate from the kids. And the oldest outshone everyone with a beautiful bracelet she picked and bought herself which my wife appreciated more than her staple of perfume and/or scented candles. All turned out well. 

258 Noises

 

" Noises "

As an insomniac I am always concerned about the amount of light shining from the window in the wee hours. I usually just take the dog out the front at that time and when I look at the many blacked out windows only one has a light. Early this morning I took him for a longer walk in the dark and rain feeling nowhere near sleep. The place was alive. Sound travels at that hour if course but there was so much of it. A mix of merry voices, shout voices, television audio and music among other things. And away from that the even noisier chatter of birds coming from trees. Further down a low hum from the jet wash place. Cars passed locally and large lorries trundled further in lights on the expressway. The world was alive probably because it was the start of the weekend. It was nice. Nice not to be alone at that time for once. 

257 Village

 

" Village "

It feels like there is a cause for something new each day to me. Some I get, some don't. But the fact there are so many would suggest there is something wrong with society at its root. If nothing else a disagreement on conduct. I understand the purpose of protest, I do, but is it working? I feel not. And I don't think any gestures hand in hand is going to change that any more than someone changing their Facebook profile picture to stand in unity. The latter is very much, for me, an empty gesture which changes nothing. I feel it can only come from education at home and unfortunately there I don't see that changing either. And if anything with the rise of abuse on social media platforms by nameless faceless entities I can instead only see it getting worse. We need to work out what is right and what is wrong and teach it but where do you start?

My aunt and uncle live in a village of no more than 300 people. Everyone knows everyone else. I like that. I don't have it but I'd love that. There is accountability I would say and more than that community. I feel we have lost that community somewhere along the way. Even outwith villages with no law presence as their used to be there feels like a sort of anarchy growing. With no national service even it could be said that direction and discipline earned from a younger age is never discovered. I just feel these are not the best of times. I do feel like something in society is fractured unfortunately and it may take a very long time to fix. 

256 Discarded

 

" Discarded "

On my walks over the past few years I have become increasingly bemused as to why so many items are discarded. Aside from the obvious eyesores the present it also seems like a hell of a lot of waste. I don't know if I am noticing them more or people are topping more but I have noticed an increase for sure. Bikes, scooters, clothes and so many other things. Once someone cared enough to part with money for them and now the are no longer wanted.

I had an urge to create a list and value it just to see a rough value. It's what scrap yards are built on. It's why a rag and bone man weekly came around my street when I was young. Yet these are fading things of yesteryear. In this throwaway society no-one wants second hand. Or at least the majority don't. There are still enough charity shops to suggest there is a requirement. In time though that even may fade too. 

Panic at home

  

I woke on Monday morning with a feeling of impending doom. It was there in the darkness making me physically squirm and finally get up to let in the light. This though only took the edge off it. The doom remained. Even now I don't know why but thankfully its been a while. Because its been a while it started to lead into panic. I was awake alone, had to take the dog out and came back still unable to shake this apprehensive anxiety. It brought about sweats. My wife and youngest girl were due up for school. I felt hemmed in. Nowhere to escape to with this rising panic when I need to be alone. I had to get the boy up shortly after for home schooling. It accelerated and agitation grew and I got more and more restless then suddenly it stopped. More than that though I knew I was fine. Unlike most past times when the threat remained this time I was OK, reassured of no repeat.

It got me to questioning when my last panic attack was. I can't remember. Certainly I have had less in the past year. That is ironic really. Where most have had their mental health challenged in lockdown my own has been helped. Why? Because outdoor life has been restricted I've had less situation to panic. When it was quiet outside it helped. Of course this is not a long term help because when the mad world returns to crowds the panic will return. For now though it has helped. 

Until December last year I really had a hard time mentally with dread. I think this could have been an echo of that. Things didn't just go from very bad to good overnight. Those feelings are etched into my body and mind. The waking in dread soaked in sweat feeling there was no way out. The feeling of suffocation. Just the darkest of places which bizarrely brought about an acceptance because I realised it was out of my hands. Those effects don't just disappear. These I feel are memories of that. The effects are long lasting. Even now I am reluctant to check my bank account online fearing there will be nothing in it and its months since I did so. That was a fear that was with me for a long time and I just cannot shake it despite there being no danger now even if there was nothing in the account. 

All these months on I thought the good news in December would see me striding back to wellness where I was a few years ago but it hasn't. I cannot explain why. This episode of panic is not new lately and my fear is its getting more regular. Because I went so far back my world has shrunk and with that anxiety grows each day. So I must return to the CBT which helped me so much previously. I cannot afford to sit back and allow my world to be swallowed again. I need to push on now and try to just ride the waves that are coming.

Monkey puzzle

 

" Monkey puzzle "

My wife had to go to the chemist today so I walked the dog with her to get some fresh air. It was a lovely day. As we approached I kept my distance as there is a limit to 3 people allowed in so invariably a little queue outside. The dog barked enough from over the road so getting closer would have been no fun for anyone. To pass the time I looked about. I'm not one for standing looking into a phone for stimulus. When out I prefer to take it all in.

My attention was grabbed by a big tree in a garden. I knew it to be a Monkey puzzle tree. I don't know about trees but I'd read about this years ago in a local article. There are actually a number of them in town. After reading about them I seemed to notice more and more. The origins of the name? Apparently it came from an observation by someone that a monkey would find the tree a puzzle to climb owing to its strange shape. It is a thing of interest. It sticks out, it looks foreign and yet most would walk past it without noticing it due to having their faces caught in the glare of a social media screen. It is apparently the national tree of Chile and native to South America. Its a wonder as to how it firstly ended up here and secondly seems to thrive. It does look like something from another land. 

254 Not normal

 

" Not normal "

In some ways it feels like things are getting back to normal. Possibly even to the point where even if we are not quite there yet people are acting as if we are. A popular local Chinese takeaway I have never used has finally reopened much to an online fanfare of those who have missed it this past year. On Sunday a large gathering of football supporters gathered en masse to celebrate while sticking two fingers up at lockdown rules must to the ire of the Scottish government. The lack of action taken there seemed to give a green light to others to push, bend and snap the rules too. Just after midnight I took the dog out for his final walk and was astounded by the amount of speeding cars. Boy racers breaking the silence with a concoction of roaring engines, loud stereos and cranked up exhausts. At one point I saw a convoy of 4 in a row. It's like it's OK now.

But it's not normal, not yet. My kids are not back at school full time yet. My wife is not back at her main job yet and once a week home tests for her second job even though she has had her first jag. Above is the car park of her old workplace over the road where now a mobile covid testing unit has appeared. What the photo doesn't show is the manpower dedicated to this. This is the back of the unit. At the front there were at least 6 people dressed in high visibility gear with face masks ensuring no rules were broken in that area. It was almost futuristic looking. Its a reminder that normality is still a ways off. Unfortunately though the actions of a growing number is not reflecting that. 

252 Suspect package

 

" Suspect package "

I've had to have a word with my working daughter as she seems to think you just order something online and it appears in your room. Having gone from having no money to having a great deal of money for a 17 year old every month it's not surprising that she likes to spend it. The trouble is she keeps ordering stuff and I am the one continually having to get it for fear it will be left on a doorstep unattended. 3 separate deliveries one morning. So I was not surprised when today a chap at the door revealed another left parcel for me to bring in. Before I had another rant though I noticed something strange. The address was correct but the name was new.

The name was unique enough that my wife located the young girl on Facebook and contacted her. While my wife was at work the girl and a friend appeared at the door. I went upstairs, got the package which appeared to be footwear and handed them to the friend as the girl had disappeared. Strange. Stranger still later when I told my wife she seemed bemused as she had received no reply so had not provided our address. There might be some reasonable explanation for this but it's all a bit suspect. Hopefully that is an end to it but there is a part of me concerned something is not right. 

251 Associations

 

" Associations "

Since breaking a tooth eating Tacos I have avoided Tacos. It makes no sense but my mind has built an association. The same thing happened a few years ago with a take away pizza. However irrational it appears to others these associations can be so strong as to be virtually unbreakable. For example I heard about a lady who cannot eat coleslaw because the name sounds too much like cold sore. That is extreme but it happens. I remember for years I could not eat rice pudding because it reminded me of something else. The thought is hard to get around. My wife won't drink a coffee I make if she knows I put the milk in first. If I do and she doesn't know she drinks it without comment. If course I know longer do it anyway now that I know but there was a time I did.

For some reason, I have no desire to prove, my wife and oldest both watched videos that have put them off eggs despite both loving them for as long as I remember. Same goes for bacon with the oldest. Maybe we are exposed to too much nowadays. It's something that I am aware of and as such will ensure I avoid anything that will give me adverse thinking. 

And this process of association is very apparent in my own world, agoraphobia. The reaction to being too far from home for my own liking came from one incident one day. Up to that point I was free to go anywhere and a second later not. An association with panic outdoors combined with its relief by getting home caused the most severe association. That path etched deep so as to leave a gaping scar which remains to this day. A simple association. But as strong as they are they can be unchained. The link can be dissolved. It's just not as quick or easy to deconstruct as it is to quickly, instantly sometimes, construct. It can though be done with patience, repetition and a bit of thought. 

250 Like new

 

" Like new "

I feel like I've received a couple of new gifts today and even better than that they are gifts I really wanted. One is a pair of spectacles. These are far more sturdy than the flimsy pair I where to watch television. They are rock solid. Aside from that a pair of winter gloves. Fantastic. Woollen mostly and lined. So comfortable and warm.

Not new though, like new. Two items I had lost. The latter I looked into buying again because they were so good. And all the while they were there in the back of my wife's car. I reckon it's 3 years at least since I last saw them. Apparently they were in a bag of junk that could not be chucked. With the mot due my wife had to gut the boot and went through some of these bags. Very happy with that!

249 Tooth

 

" Tooth "

I am always tentative when eating because I cannot go to the dentist. Toothache is one of my biggest fears. It will happen and so I need to get better quick in order to deal with that. For now I just try to be careful. And it affects what I eat. I've done away with apples unless sliced and peanuts and so much more. It goes back to a few years ago eating take away pizza and then a crunch with bits of tooth after. Tonight there was no crunch, no warning. I was eating and nearly chewed down on something hard. A bit of tooth. What to do? I cannot go to the dentist. It's not leaving any pain. I just have to accept it.

It also relates back to those nightmares I think we all have where teeth just start falling out en masse. I've had many of those. And a bit of tooth feels like the start of that. It brings the fear. And these breakages of course come with age. You look on TV and most have bright white perfect if not entirely natural teeth. Some will even have there teeth knocked out to make way for the perfect expensive smile. It's modern life. Me? I just want to eat things on my naughty list. I would like to eat pork ribs or buffalo wings off the bone rather than picked apart for fear of a snap or crunch. But for now I just hope it's a few year before my next repeat of this. 

Grandfather

 

" Grandfather "

Today, strangely, would have been my grandfather's 103rd birthday if he had lived that long but sadly nowhere near it as he was 66 years old when he died. Paternal grandfather that is. It all seems so long ago now as I was just a child but I can still remember that shrill screech piercing through me as he sharpened knives on the concrete steps. And those are the memories I hold dearest. I blank out the last years of deterioration and his epic fight to cling on. He was a fighter. He'd been on 3 different boats that had been sunk - quite literally a Jonah my uncle would say. I have his medical report from when he was plucked out the North Sea with hyperthermia. My gran told me of the difficult months after. But he was a fighter. His dad died before he was one and by all accounts his step father beat him to the point that he joined the army at his first opportunity. His difficult times were just beginning but that is a take for another day.

What saddens me is that I did not get enough time with him. Or at least time I remember. From a very young age he and my gran took me on holiday each year. Always seaside towns in Scotland and England. I have the photos but not the memories. That though is more than my maternal grandfather though who I don't even have a photo of and most likely never will. He was killed in a traffic accident before I was born and had an equally eventful life having been born out of wedlock in Reading and adopted by a much older couple. Im not sure why he ended up in Scotland but presume it was the RAF which he worked in before joining the fire service then the prison service. I do wish I could put a face to what little I have on him but as I said that is very unlikely. 

Security

  

I do detest the faceless criminals hiding behind their keyboards looking for something for nothing but thankfully I have at least had few causes for concerns. And when my bank account was dry it was not a problem. It was only when I had savings at one point that I was robbed virtually but again that was a long time ago. Having some money coming in now has made me paranoid. I've not used my bank card outside because I fear a hack just as happened to my wife last year

I don't get "contactless". We have spent years trying to add more layers of security and then something comes along where you need no security at all. That confuses me. I could find someone's card in a shop and without knowing the pin code can use that card contactlessly at a checkout to buy shopping. I can't remember the limit but because of covid it was raised. That makes no sense to me. Its got me paranoid to the point I was considering opening up another bank account just for shopping and just transfer money online as needed. That though means accessing online more frequently which in my head means more chance of a hack. You can't win!

This all came to mind because I got up today to find many red letter alerts from Google on my phone. To me it was rather sinister. It wasn't something vague about updating security or about a possible breech. It was a message telling me in no uncertain terms that "someone knows your password". That felt very personal. Someone knowing that cannot harm me financially like they could if it was my bank but they can invade privacy. I think of someone sitting looking through pictures of the kids and the like. Can't be helped. Password changed now and all secure again- until next time. There is though a feeling of vulnerability there now as I am sure other people are feeling and that can lead to the paranoia I feel too. I don't like it but we have no choice. There is no other way it today's world unfortunately 

Grandmother

 

" Grandmother "

By law of nature we all have 4 natural grandparents somewhere down the tree even if they are not known. Of course nowadays that is a bit more clouded but in essence it's still the same however you look at it. Growing up I only knew one set of grandparents and they meant the world to me. They are sadly no longer with us but definitely never forgotten.

I barely knew my maternal grandmother. Some family fall out meant that last time I saw her wad 1983 when I was heading to be a teenager and not far off my own boy's age. Even up until that point I have very few memories of her. My biggest regret there is that I did not reach out to her. When she died in 2000, something I only found out much later at the registry office, I was living in the same town as her and had been for a few years. No point lamenting now.

My paternal grandmother would have been 97 years old today had she not lost her fight with lung cancer in 2004. She was the lynch pin keeping everything and everyone together. Shortly after her death all the family fell apart but it was not a surprise. It was inevitable which unfortunately was the only thing she wished not to happen. She is never far from my thoughts. I spent so much of my early life with her in Glasgow and she was kind throughout. I wish she'd lived a little longer to see the kids having died in between the birth of the two girls but by then my problems were esculating making visits a struggle. Even in hospital I only visited once saying I would return but couldn't. The funeral was extremely difficult and it would be over a decade after that day before I would make it to that part of the world again.