Allowing the water to settle

On Monday night I decided to push myself, it happens sometimes. Usually to my detriment. This time? Probably. The last time was May when I knew what was coming to an extent and knew I would find it hard to cope but done it anyway. It comes from frustration always. The scenarios change in scene but the essence is always the same: putting myself into a situation I cannot escape from and having to try to ride it out.

It was such a nice night on Monday my wife decided to take the kids to a heritage park in the next town. I have posted about it before. The first time I struggled to walk any distance from the car and the second time I walked right around the loch and even went into the cafe. Drives afar have been so few and far of late that I had no intention of going with them but as they decided to leave I felt agitated at missing out yet again. Despite being extremely anxious I decided to go in the car with them. It was so far the hardest thing I have done. The next town is where it all started when I had a full blow panic attack many years ago. Even just getting there which months ago was not a problem was a struggle this time. Constant panic. Several times on the journey I wanted to ask to head back home and it was only the knowledge I would be spoiling it for the kids that kept my silence. When we arrived there it was full blown panic and I could not get out the car. Horrible position. Didn't want to get out the car and didn't want to stay and just wanted to go home but having to watch my family get out and walk off.

Panic literature will tell you adrenaline has a short life span. The peak of panic is roughly no more that 20 minutes. There can though be many peaks for sure. In my case there were many peaks. The same speak tells you that its important to stay in the situation until the panic subsides and tells you it will subside. That was the plan beforehand. In the moment I was thinking differently. I had three choices: Call my wife from the car and ask her to take me home, try sitting it out for as long as I could stand or get out and join them. The latter was the least appealing but after a few minutes I decided it might help burn off some adrenaline.

I got my camera out and tried to put the breathlessness, weakness and shaking and alarm bells to the back of my mind. I got to the water edge and took photos of things. It was busy. Lots of people circuiting- walking, with dogs or jogging. Going in both directions. Lost to me as I tried to focus on photography but allow the panic to keep raging in the background. Thoughts. Its all thoughts. I was in no danger but in my head where I was in relation to home kept blinking through my thoughts and setting off panicky. Eventually I caught up with my family and made it halfway around the loch. Logic would say making it all around then would be simple but I didn't. I had to turn back. When I got back to the car even though I had taken my time deliberately my family had hardly moved. They were feeding ducks. Another wave of panic. I really needed this to be over soon and they were not moving. I had to phone and ask if they could move it along. I felt bad for doing so after but at the same time the thought of being trapped there and having to wait 15-20 minutes in that state was too much. Or more if they stayed feeding the ducks.

Eventually I went to meet them as I walked the other way around and then my wife decided to take the kids to the play park. Still the panic raged on. It bobbed up and down like rough seas. My little boat was sinking the longer it was thrown about. An hour passed. An hour of panic. In total almost 3 miles walked. I joine them in the swing park. And suddenly nothing. No panic. Only calm. Weird. It just went. An hour of panic fluctuating between full blown and very high. It just went. We stayed about 5 minutes longer even though from there I could have stayed a couple of hours more I felt. At that point I knew the panic was over and not coming back. If only for that night.

It proved to me though that it can be done. Its not easy but it can be done just like self help says. But doing it is not easy. As good as it was to feel that calm even now some days later I have no wish to try it again any time soon. In truth I have been shattered since. Adrenaline really takes it out of you. That allied with all the walking I am doing has completely floored me. I will do it again but think I need to be in the right frame of mind first. At least I saw the waves settle and my little boat bob no more. I need a bit more of that. Heading in the right direction at least.

The colourful Clydesdales

We went for a drive tonight around Hamilton. The purpose was to spot as many horses as we could- well the kids were playing that at least. My daughter says she counted 17. I'm not so sure. Its part of an art trail around the town to boost tourism- you can read more here on the BBC website. Here I got a pic of the kids with one outside the train station. I had two drunked old women telling me to put my daughter on the horse even though there is a big sign saying not to. I quickly legged it back to the car after.

It was a good drive. We were out an hour. My wife pointed out I could have got to her parents home up North in that time. She's not wrong. I just wish it was that easy.

Scottish summer

Only in Scotland, a typical Scottish summer. Just something I really did not need as I've been struggling a bit again. That seems to be the way of things. In anxiety self help lingo they are setbacks. They are supposed to be good things because they give you the chance to practice. That is the theory at least. Unfortunately when you are overwhelmed with anxiety then practice is furthest from the mind and escape is the primary thought.

Life gets in the way sometimes as it does for everyone. Two scary periods of late. The first was on Saturday night. My wife finished by saying: "God, I wish I had not said anything now as I know how panicky you get". She's not wrong. It doesn't take much to set off my alarm bells. This time though I felt I had just cause and reacted like most people would. I think at least. Then again I know there are people who would not worry. Anyway I was coming down the hall in a shorts and t-shirt with my wife coming the other way and she  looked down and said: "what is the lump on your leg?" What? Where? And I sat down to examine and find a lump sticking out of the side of my lower leg about a third of the way up from the foot. There was no pain, wasn't sore to touch and wasn't discoloured. All good things I thought until I made the ultimate mistake of reaching for google.

By Monday I was a wreck. So many worries. The anxious doctor in my head diagnosing all sorts of bad fears. My biggest fear as always is being told I have to go to hospital firstly and secondly being kept in for tests or other things. My wife called the surgery. The receptionist said the doctor would call back soon. No phone call came. 3 hours later a doctor arrived at the door and to my horror he seemed really ill- I felt like I should be the one treating him. He was wheezing badly and after opening the door I don't think he liked the look of those steep stairs. He was a man of few words. After some looking and prodding he said: Vein. Then he went to make his way out. Eh? A vein? The reply: A varicose vein. Shit. I've heard of them but what are they? What causes them? I walk a lot should I cut back? Will it get worse? Should I monitor it? Those are the questions I remember asking but I asked more I cannot remember and to every one I was met with silence. As he made his way to the stairs I asked if it needed treated. He turned and looked at me and said: surgical socks. Then he was at the bottom of the stairs when I jumped down to open the door with a: thank very much for coming out. No answer. He shuffled off looking very put out.

So that was that. Still no idea what that means. My wife tells me not to worry as loads of people she knows has had them. Had them? Do they go? I learned enough at the weekend to know I should not google. So I am none the wiser and will just monitor it.

That was the first scare. Getting back to the start where I was talking about Scottish summers. That was earlier today. Quite unsettling. I went for a last walk down the road. I was sweating with the heat because I had a light jacket on- the only way I could carry a camera without holding it. I passed a woman I know who remarked how hot it was. And it was. As I was coming back home 2 miles later I was thinking of taking my coat off and just carrying it. I was coming through the local park. This is when I started to get unsettled. It was like some disaster movie. The skies had quickly turned from blue to black and the wind steadily was picking up. It cut up a dust storm in the ash park and was running through the grass in waves. I got near the road I had to cross to get home with my home in sight when all of sudden it went mental. Within less than 30 seconds I was soaked through to the skin- even my boxers were sudden. That was fine. The problem was I could not breathe. It was like a hurricane. I had no choice but to turn my back on it and walk away down the street. Panic went full blown. Not only was I walking away from home but the street  I was on is totally exposed with nowhere to shelter from the wind.

The panic was so bad it forced me to try to get home again. There is an old folk's home and a council worker was hiding behind a wall for shelter. Not far. He was looking at me as I tried to get up the street. I was going to make my way to join him. I couldn't. Again I could not breathe and so was forced to turn back. Again the panic spiked. In my mind it could last for hours. I couldn't stay out in that for hours. I had no idea how long it would last.

It lasted probably 5 minutes. By the time I reached the front door blue was cutting through the black and I could feel the warm rays again. It was over. My melodrama was over. The panic was starting to subside. But as silly as it sounds I cannot remember the last time I felt that terrified.

It proves something though and that is I am easily spooked. Two periods where I scared myself and yet were not actually a problem at all. This is what keeps me stuck. No harm done but mentally there is because both have chipped away at my confidence a little more. That though is my doing. I have to deal with these things better if I am to recover. Its all in the head.

The big walk

An orange walk, or any other for that matter, is not something I would usually bother with or post about. This one though deserves a mention because it was huge. It took over our little town today. We'd been warned that roads would be shut and basically the town would be locked down with no way in or out for most of the day. That is why my wife was forced to take the kids out very early and come back much later. My oldest daughter was coming back from Italy with her aunt and cousin. My wife had to go to collect her so had to go out before the lockdown. That left me at home alone. With thousands of people outside on my doorstep and a lot of noise as well as good weather it seemed stupid to ignore it and stay in doors.

As it turned out I was out for a few hours and walked a few miles with my camera. Despite concerns voiced by many before hand I saw no trouble at all. There were certainly a lot of police. I caught there attention early on before the buses arrived. They were patrolling the local park and had people pointed at every entrance and exit. Or so they thought. They were dotted around the perimeter. I bypassed them and went down to the train station for a bit. On my way back I cut through the woods and came into the park to the surprise of 4 police men and women standing chatting. I got the long stare as I passed and then when I looked back two of them had went down into the woods from where I had come. If nothing else I had at least showed them something they obviously did not know was there. So many police that I would imagine most were not local.

I'm an atheist while the rest of my family are catholic so its not the sort of thing I should be seen at. That said though I am glad I did mingle. It was the chance to be around a lot of people within a safe distance to get home if it got too much. And the atmosphere was really good. Spirits were high and there was a lot of smiles and laughter. Getting out for so long though and walking so far really did help a lot today. I felt almost normal and whatever the circumstances that is never a bad thing.