Self Isolation

  

Like everyone else on the planet I have had the fear of contracting Covid19. So far it has been in another place from my little world so it has not been an issue. Now it is. Middle child had said a girl she hung about with at school had tested positive. I hoped we could wing it but on Monday I got a call and it turned out to be the school. Daughter had been identified as coming into contact and so was to isolate for 14 days starting from last Friday when the girl got the test. Obviously concern number one is that she is positive too. Secondary is that we are next. 

I'd love to say we set her up in the West Wing and will see her hopefully fit and well in 10 days time or so. Unfortunately we live in a small flat. It's impossible to avoid contact. Also because she is is set up in one bedroom for this period my wife and I have to sleep on a couch each in the living room. Small sacrifices of course in comparison to people losing loved ones. It's just to point out its not the same for all. We have to allow her some time out with a mask for her own mental health but generally she will be stuck in a room for over a week.

She has been given a lot of school work today but we have nothing to do it on given my lack of working laptops. I'm hoping the school might help us out there. It's not ideal. It's times like this I wished we had a house and a garden but we don't. And as I said before we are thankful that we not only have each other but are relatively untouched by this virus so far. We have more to be thankful for than a lot of others. Still though it's far from great. 

Pigeon

 

A pigeon in a box. That is what today was all about sadly. We went out to the shops in the car and noticed a pigeon huddled into the side of the building. When we came back it was still there. I took the bags up stairs while my wife went to investigate and was joined by some other neighbours. There was something wrong with it. The neighbours got a plastic box for it and something warm. My wife called the sspca. They sent someone around.

It was nice to see people working together. To be perfectly honest I would be useless in an animal emergency. I wouldn't know where to start. Thankfully it was not up to me. 

Although the troubled bird had better people to look after it the intervention probably came too late. We will never know, maybe thankfully. The sspca girl inspected and noted the bird was riddled with mites as well as showing symptoms of a common brain disease. Don't quote me though as I was not there. But the chances of a good outcome were low. Cest La vie. 

Night walks

  

Walking at night brings a calmness that is not there in the day. There are several reasons for that. Mainly its quieter. There is less noise and in the dark less movement. Calm. Closer to sleep time without time anxiety over the long day ahead. More tired, tiredness means less anxious. All round its just a slower less stressful time to walk.

So I have been walking at night to counter the anxiety that is persistent throughout the day at the moment. I need it. If I don't walk late then I don't walk far and soon I don't walk at all. It's not all serene though. Above as you can see it can be menacing also. It's too dark in places, pitch black, and not always free of humans or animals. But those heightened moments are not frequent enough to matter and if I wanted I could take a different route. I don't though. These walks for now are just fine. Just what I need.

Another reason for the late jaunts is to tire myself. I'm not sleeping much of late. I try to push myself in the hope of deep as sleep. All I get though is snatches. Too short and too soon. Over time though I am hoping that doing it constantly will bring about a pattern but deep down know no matter how tired I am the demons still linger. 

The man

 

My daughter has started a new job as I mentioned before as a support worker. It has brought with it mixed emotions. On one hand having dropped out of school and having no desire to work it is a great joy to see her enjoying her new job and enjoying the pay that comes with it. She is a creature of habit who did not take well to be asked to come off house visits and instead do shifts at a care home. Once in though she really enjoys that too. It should be all good. But there is a part of me that has been filled with concern. When she told me some of the things she deals with it set off alarm bells. She mentioned one woman who is constantly scared and needing reassurance. Another who screams all the time. Hard enough for most folk to deal with but unimaginable really for a 17 year old with no training. It concerns me.

What tipped it for me though was today telling me that a new patient had arrived, a man. She was asked to take him to his room alone. I should say she works nights now. She did this but in a room alone the man got threatening. He told her to get on the bed which she refused. She feared he was going to punch her. Thankfully she managed to leave.

It would alarm any parent. My initial reaction was to call her employers but then I fear I may be overstepping the mark- it's not my place. That is hard. I had to mull that over. I know I would not get any sleep if I said nothing. If I said something then she would be annoyed. So in the end I just insisted that she is not left alone again with anyone and if anyone tried to force her to do so then I would intervene. I would imagine tbst should not be happening anyway and fear as a young girl she may not get the guidance she needs.

But aside from that one incident she loves her work. And I also have to say generally the people gave been very good with her. She is happy and so if I can keep her safe I think things will work out there. 

Vandals

  

Mt plan was for a Remembrance day post today but not to be. The church close to us has a very nice poppy display on the side of the building which I took a few photos of. There is a spotlight too so at light it is lit up. That was the intention at least but other events have changed my mind. 

First thing on Sunday morning I had to take the dog down the park to the local skate rink against my better judgement still trying to contain my fury. The intense anger is only surpassed possibly by frustration. I feel like I need to let out a primal scream that will be heard for miles around until my throat dries out completely. I feel like kicking walls and all the rest. But also a little voice is telling me to just accept things and move on.

On Saturday my wife took the oldest and youngest up north to see her dad. She had hoped for an overnight but because of current restrictions she had to come home instead. Middle child didn't know that know. She was allowed to stay with me as she had promised to go out with her pal . Without going into it some past events when she has gone out in the last year means that I was not happy about her going out while it was just me to look after her. She is my daughter but let me just say I cannot  go to a hospital or a police station or pick her up from somewhere far off or go out looking for her if it came to that. But it was my wife that allowed her to go out even though she was going away and at the time expected to be away all night. She allowed our daughter to go out on the promise she would be back at six.

She went out thinking it was just me and her for the rest of the night. As such she knew I could not go out looking for her if she didn't come home on time. I emphasised that this was a trial and if she disappointed me she would not be allowed to do this again. I should also point out that I could not contact her as she broken her iPhone. Instead she was using a phone given to her brother by her cousin. I won't go into detail but I spent 3 hours livid not knowing where she was and when she came home she had crocodile tears. I was too angry to ask. Eventually she blurted out that some boys had taken her phone and smashed it up down at the skate park. When my wife came home later she hit the roof. She asked why I had not gone down into the darkness of an unlit skate park to confront a mob of drunk teenage boys. Part of me thought I should too but then part of me thought what would be the point. It was done. I would not get the phone back. She did not know who did it. The police would not do anything. Angst all round. 

So the following day I went down the park and in the photo above is all that remains of the phone. It turns out she left her phone there by accident and when she went back to look for it some boys had it. Not just that but despite her tears they took great delight in smashing it to bits in front of her. As much as I'd like to throttle them I can't get by my anger at my daughter knowing the situation and being so selfish. This all happened after six. Her friend had gone home at that time as planned but she decided to stay out with another friend she met. She knows we are strapped for cash but despite that has ended up with a smashed phone. Before that another broken phone and before that she got after a phone her auntie which she left on a train a few days after getting it. That is two angry autnies on top of everything else. Frustration definitely trumps anger here. She needs a phone but we have no money to give her one and to be honest even if I had the money I could not use it on a phone right now given I know what would no doubt happen next. These iphones are not cheap but they treat them that way.

I would like to think she has learned her lesson but I don't think she has. For whatever reason her and her friends seem to gravitate towards these types of mindless yobs.  

Fireworks

 

I was dreading fireworks night because of the dog. He didn't seem to mind strangely. Maybe he's used to it. The damned things have been going off for a week anyway. He seemed fascinated. Last year I just kept the windows closed to buffle sound but they are so loud now it's impossible to mute them. It didn't bother him though. He watched on enquiringly. Indoors that was at least. A later walk was very different. He was scared witless and so I cut it short.

I do think some of these over the counter fireworks are getting a bit too heavy duty. I do like the idea of keeping them to an organised event, outside of this pandemic, but that is also hypocritical given how I enjoyed a small selection out the back with the kids when they were younger. Very much small fry though. Having something that looks like it should have ACME written on the side fly by the window can be scary. A boom that almost shatters the window is alarming. I get the feeling there is a bit of one upmanship about it all. Then again I do have to say it's only since owning a pet I have thought that way. 

It's a strange night. It's a bizarre sort of thing because although people are isolating and distancing the celestial displays cannot stay personal. They are there for all too see. Whether you are in your garden with neighbours or alone at a window there is still a shared experience. A bit too loud for my liking to be honest. I just like the visuals. I think the dog does too. 

Employment and Support Allowance

 

Its that time of year again when 3 letters sees the line graph that was slowly climbing over months plummet to the axis in a single moment. DWP and ESA are the 2 reasons I spent most of Friday on the phone taking very little in and just trying to stay on the phone long enough to finish a call before panic makes me end it. Its like an anxiety rodeo. It's no fun trying to stay on and the longer you stay on the more stress and anxiety build. When the bucking stops it can be mentally dangerous. Nothing stops with the call. Sleepless nights and anxious mornings follow. Dread is constant without resolution. Panic is a threat always.

Anyway I now await news on whether my case can be reopened. It's complicated. If its not reopened then not only can I not get my ESA now under any circumstances but also I cannot claim again because that will be a year of not paying stamps. Its grim for sure. So today I go to the door to find 4 Manila envelopes. More dread. The plan is to put them somewhere, mentally prepare and look next week. It does though mean another week of mental torture but that is better than looking into the probable financial abyss. Or at least that was the plan until I saw the phrase "tax credits". Not ESA. I can breathe again but at some time more envelopes will arrive and I will have to look at them. 

A quick recap is surely needed. In 2017 when for the first time in over a decade I was heading towards being fit for work the DWP stopped my money. For most of that year and all of 2018 I had no money coming in and enough financial woes as a result to wipe out years of progress. In December 2018 my appeal was upheld, my ESA was reinstated and a couple of weeks later my ESA was stopped again as the process was restarted. June 2019 it all came to an end. Medical Services wanted a letter from my GP to day why I could not attend a medical. My GP faxed medical services and I heard no more. Stupidly I assumed that act had been enough. Stupidly again I did not check my bank account for a year through fear of finding something I did not want to see. The backdated pay I received at the time meant I could take a break from the anxiety. When I did look I found I had not been paid since June 2019 and my claim was closed.  

My own stupidity? 100% it was. The easiest thing to do would have been to look at my bank account in the months after my GP sent the fax and if the repayments had not restarted then contact them. Its easier for me to say that now. I cannot describe in words how draining this process is. I buried my head in the sand hoping everything would be alright because I could not face more dread. Not a proper night of sleep for weeks and months. Disturbed sleep actually. Nightmares. And when you wake and the thoughts are not there it only takes seconds for the dread to creep back in then the cold sweat comes on and you feel some sort of horrible feeling running through you. Yet a call could have stopped it. The unknown brought no relief. But again I just could not face it. 

So that is where I am at. I don't like talking about personal stuff like finances but it has played such a part in my anxiety that I have to. If the sleepless nights and constant feeling of impending doom from it were not bad enough it is compounded my my recovery from anxiety disorder being torn to shreds. All my progress has disappeared. I push on though. Its all I can do but I know I am swimming against the tide at the moment.