154 Money

 

" Money "

They say that some people are so poor all they have is money. I can only think that came from the mind of someone not penniless. Or maybe not. It actually sounds like something the Dalai Lama may say. I don't know, not sure where it comes from. And I do get it. I know someone who was gifted a substantial sum of money in a will from an unrelated man they had visited regularly when he had no one else. This person also lost a child. I am 100% sure given the choice they would sacrifice the money for another outcome. And in this year of all years that is even more the case. So many people have died. So many others have been adversely affected permanently in other ways. For most the financial crisis looming is a secondary concern.

But like it or not we need money. When we don't have it the spirit, the mind and even the physical being is negatively affected. If you have 8 oranges but need 2 for the mortgage and 1.5 to live on each week you get by. What though if a power bill arrives claiming 2 of those oranges and an mot requires another 2. What is left? Then you realise its Christmas and those oranges are needed to buy their presents. How does that work? So you look at your wife and she looks back both thinking the same thing with the same worried look. Except its actually just her thinking that. She thinks it cannot get any worse and you know this. You ask yourself: how do I say it? You ask: how do I tell her? The great secret but now be revealed. The reason you can't sleep. The reason you feel ill with dread. There are no oranges left. And yet despite this you need 2 for a debt you can no longer cover. What to do?

Perversely it feels like there will at least be relief to some degree in no longer carrying the burden alone. There may even be some hope in looking for a solution together. While you have no one to help you there is a chance your wife might even just to get through the end of the year. And suddenly it all looks less scarey, it looks better. Nothing though has changed. You look at the situation again and all the dread comes crashing in again cold and dark. You need money and so you need a job. You can't work because you have a problem holding you back. This problem has a possible solution but a lack of money keeps it stuck. And so the cycle goes on and on. 

153 Burgers

 

" Burgers "

On my walk tonight I passed this billboard and it made me stop. It wasn't that long ago after the film "Super size me" that this burger place introduced salads and healthier eating. This seems the extreme to that. I used to like a burger, not so much now, but how the hell do you get your mouth around that? And to be fair it's not just this fast food joint. It seems no one can do a normal burger now. They are so big some of them that they need a cocktail stick through them to keep them together. I don't see the appeal myself.

Mind you living in a country where you can get a large pork sausage wrapped in donner meat and then deep fried I shouldnt be too concerned with the health implications of the billboard. Strangely as I typed that someone on the radio was talking about a toasted creme egg sandwich-eh? Off on a tangent here but I have started a file to note coincidences as I keep finding them of late so may post about them.

Back to Burgers. I used to like a burger as I said. I liked them for what they were but also for the ease you could make and eat them. The current burger trend seems to be to sit down, pull it apart and eat it piece by piece. Again not appealing to me. 

What I did want to say was that it annoys me how this is OK but cigarette packets for years have had to carry horrible imagery. I feel I can say this now as an ex smoker. I hated it but would have accepted it if it was across the board. I am not sticking up for nicotine of course as it is a killer and should carry warnings but in my view so should that. A cigarette packet used to carry images of a diseased heart, why does that not have the same? 

151 Shoes

 

" Shoes "

Whether it was a general tidy up or painting rooms or looking for stuff one word always comes to mind: shoes. God knows how many pairs there are in our home. Under sofas, in bags, under beds, in drawers abs do many other places. In every room. And one thing occurred to me further and that is that of all the pairs only one belong to me. Well there is a cheap dress pair from the supermarket somewhere bought for a celebration party but also with a view to use for job interviews at a time I actualky thought that might be a thing. Strangely that was only a few years ago. I have a couple of cheap shirts and ties also bought for the same reason still in their packing. Aside from those once worn faux leather efforts I have one pair of shoes which I always wear but are now falling apart.

They were not cheap but bought with a third off and have lasted 2 years. That is incredible given the miles I walk and that they are all I wear. But the now leak. And a my socks have holes. And it's uncomfortable. This is the time I would usually open a brand new pair of shoes still in the box that my wife has bought me 6 months or a year previous. I once had boots from my parents which sat in a box for almost 2 years. There are no boxes this time. I just have to keep wearing these for now which were actually black once. I might have to look into seeing if I can get them resolved or repaired but can't grumble as they have served me well. 

150 Limbo

 

" Limbo "

About 4 in the morning some time between what should be sleep time and rising. Whatever the time I should be in blissful unconsciousness asleep living out dreams that are better than life. But i am not. Instead I am walking the dark streets with the dog bleary eyed fighting the tiredness outside which disappears indoors.

Later I am sitting up in the dark on the couch staring into space feeling like I cannot breathe. It's trapped wind but its amplified to feel like something more sinister. I should give into sleep but I don't want to. I have this unrealised fear that if I sleep I will wake up smothered and in panic. So I try to stay awake. But awake in the dark all the dreads circulate and I cannot escape. I want to. I want to go out but I don't want to move. At some point I sleep without choosing to and at sometime I wake not crippled by the ails I feared.

It's not all the time. At most once a week. Its irrational but do much of anxiety is. Where the dark is my friend at night it works against me in the morning or in that limbo at least. Like all things though it will pass. 

Self Isolation

  

Like everyone else on the planet I have had the fear of contracting Covid19. So far it has been in another place from my little world so it has not been an issue. Now it is. Middle child had said a girl she hung about with at school had tested positive. I hoped we could wing it but on Monday I got a call and it turned out to be the school. Daughter had been identified as coming into contact and so was to isolate for 14 days starting from last Friday when the girl got the test. Obviously concern number one is that she is positive too. Secondary is that we are next. 

I'd love to say we set her up in the West Wing and will see her hopefully fit and well in 10 days time or so. Unfortunately we live in a small flat. It's impossible to avoid contact. Also because she is is set up in one bedroom for this period my wife and I have to sleep on a couch each in the living room. Small sacrifices of course in comparison to people losing loved ones. It's just to point out its not the same for all. We have to allow her some time out with a mask for her own mental health but generally she will be stuck in a room for over a week.

She has been given a lot of school work today but we have nothing to do it on given my lack of working laptops. I'm hoping the school might help us out there. It's not ideal. It's times like this I wished we had a house and a garden but we don't. And as I said before we are thankful that we not only have each other but are relatively untouched by this virus so far. We have more to be thankful for than a lot of others. Still though it's far from great. 

Pigeon

 

A pigeon in a box. That is what today was all about sadly. We went out to the shops in the car and noticed a pigeon huddled into the side of the building. When we came back it was still there. I took the bags up stairs while my wife went to investigate and was joined by some other neighbours. There was something wrong with it. The neighbours got a plastic box for it and something warm. My wife called the sspca. They sent someone around.

It was nice to see people working together. To be perfectly honest I would be useless in an animal emergency. I wouldn't know where to start. Thankfully it was not up to me. 

Although the troubled bird had better people to look after it the intervention probably came too late. We will never know, maybe thankfully. The sspca girl inspected and noted the bird was riddled with mites as well as showing symptoms of a common brain disease. Don't quote me though as I was not there. But the chances of a good outcome were low. Cest La vie. 

148 More night walks

 

" More night walks "

I find myself walking in the dark more and more. As the daylight hours disappear that is not hard but I leave it late. In the evening for whatever reason my anxiety levels drop. I get more tired later. The anxiety causes tension and I release that late on. Tiredness kicks in. The tired mind is harder to trouble. I go out in the black and my thoughts settle. From tiredness I push to near exhaustion. I'm trying always to knacker myself into later sleep but even when it comes waking follows.

But I enjoy the late walks. I go further. I go places I don't go in day time. This area above is an old church where the kids get picked up from school. First time I have been here in a while. Just walking off the adrenaline and finding peace where I can. 

147 Christmas already?

 

" Christmas already? "

Forgive me but I really am in "bah humbug" mood. Everything at the moment seems to be irritating me. Things that would normally wash over me are making me angry. If circumstances were different then I would think differently but they are not. They are not different for me and not different for a lot of people.

We usually have the radio on in the morning and my wife insists on listening to Jamie Theakston and Amanda Holden. Normally it grates. It grated more when one started using the job they are paid to do to self promote their own produce. I digress. What has tipped me over the edge is the latest insistence on bringing Christmas forward. I hear that we deserve it because it's been such a tough year. They want Christmas songs and decorations now. Maybe it's just me but I don't feel it. I have no wish to put up my tree in November. I will punch a wall if I hear Slade or Roy Wood before December.

It's not just me though. I have no appetite for Christmas. For me Christmas is more woe, more worry and impending disappointment followed by a sense of worthlessness. That is just me. But am I alone? I'm thinking of all those people who have lost their jobs due to covid and face an immediate financial crisis. I am thinking about people who have built up their businesses for years by hard work and long hours and sacrifice now watching them disappear virtually overnight. And of course I am thinking of all those people who have lost loved ones in this period. People continue to fill wards. People continue to be forced apart. Most live still with uncertainty. But let's all bring Christmas forward early anyway.

If I sound like Scrooge then I'm giving the right impression. When I walk alone it's dark this tine if year and so many have decorations up. I'm considering dressing up as the Easter bunny as a way of joining in. Our town tree is erected and lit already. Next week it's still November. Where is the rush? Why are people so impatient? I can't help thinking in a months time people will have Christmas burn out and still have many weeks to wait.

I think I need to change the station. 

146 WiFi

 

" WiFi "

I keep hearing about how rural area need better WiFi. I won't disagree but do feel some of the rest of us are being overlooked. Our broadband is really poor and it's getting us all down because in lockdown it really kicked in with 5 people stuck at home sharing the same weak connection. More so for the kids who cannot do without it. The boy plays games with his pals and the girls live in social media. Unhealthy I suppose but I think it's a generational thing.

I've tried to explain its not about money. The kids think we should dig deeper or change providers. It's not that. We have a line that runs from our home to a telegraph pole and from there to the exchange. The crazy thing is I could actually throw the router and hit the exchange it is that close yet someone miles away has a superfast connection while we stutter along. Its because it was a temporary install- 25 years ago. And that was fine for voice calls. It was even fine when the kids were little a decade ago. But now it's not. Now it's slow when it hasn't ground to a halt. Some digital TV channels are too blocky to watch. Downloading something that takes others a few hours takes us a few days. And to top it all off if anyone of us uploads a photo or sends an email or dares upload anything the whole lot crashes down. It's immensely frustrating.

But it's just another problem to add to the list at the minute. Something for later. Without doubt though it's made lockdown so much harder for the kids. I just keep getting this feeling of I justice. It's something else that everyone else seems to be getting that we are not despite paying the same. As long as I say nothing though what do i expect? More action is required. Just not today. 

145 Chromebook

 

" Chromebook "

I'd love to say this little beauty is mine and I am back in full working order but alas I am once again one finger typing this post on my phone. My days of sitting typing away all day on a physical keyboard are long gone. All those years I took for granted are not sat dead in a lifeless pile beside me never to see the light of day again. As I've said previously my "third arm", as my wife calls my laptops, is no more and at least had the ironic know how to dutch me when I needed it most at the start of lockdown. Days have definitely been longer as a result.

This little bit of kit is lovely. I am well impressed. Its s Chromebook which I had not seen before but something the kids are well used to in school. It's fairly quick, clear and incredibly silent. It also doesn't burn and the battery life is tremendous. After years of using Windows tablets I am drawn to this. I tended to use Microsoft for productivity due to decades of MS Office use. But as soon as it moved to a yearly subscription I moved to Google's free equivilant. For a business probably underpowered but Sheets does everything Excel does when it comes to my needs. This little beauty would be perfect. 

Sadly it's not mine but maybe one day. It's an educational model and retails at £199 which is 1/5th or less of the latest phones. Even that is out of my range for now but something to aspire to. It is actually on loan from the school who were kind enough to help us out while middle child isolates. One week down on that score and one to go. 

144 Wilderness

 

" Wilderness "

Today was one of the better days because today I found a period where I felt free of modern life. As much as I don't like where I live I do like how quickly I can escape it which I could not do at any other point in my life. That said J better enjoy it because new homes keep appearing where nature once lived. My wife is furloughed at present so it has allowed us both to get the dog out in the woods which is great for all 3 of us. Usually we are out for an hour but more often it's much longer.

From my years of walks I've found places more secluded than the usual routes. One of these my wife has dubbed "the secret garden" and will sometimes take the kids there. That is included in our ever increasing route. It's quiet and we never see anyone which is perfect for our scared dog. We can't ever let him fully off the lead but we gave a long training lead which gives him a virtual freedom. It's calming. It feels like we are somewhere else. It's maybe the escape I was looking for the other day. 

Night walks

  

Walking at night brings a calmness that is not there in the day. There are several reasons for that. Mainly its quieter. There is less noise and in the dark less movement. Calm. Closer to sleep time without time anxiety over the long day ahead. More tired, tiredness means less anxious. All round its just a slower less stressful time to walk.

So I have been walking at night to counter the anxiety that is persistent throughout the day at the moment. I need it. If I don't walk late then I don't walk far and soon I don't walk at all. It's not all serene though. Above as you can see it can be menacing also. It's too dark in places, pitch black, and not always free of humans or animals. But those heightened moments are not frequent enough to matter and if I wanted I could take a different route. I don't though. These walks for now are just fine. Just what I need.

Another reason for the late jaunts is to tire myself. I'm not sleeping much of late. I try to push myself in the hope of deep as sleep. All I get though is snatches. Too short and too soon. Over time though I am hoping that doing it constantly will bring about a pattern but deep down know no matter how tired I am the demons still linger. 

142 Wild

 

" Wild "

Yesterday's post was a bit dark and so I'll try to stay away from that. It needs said sometimes and the whole point originally of this blog was to get things out that were festering unattended. It's done and I'll move on but also have to admit it won't be the last-- it can't be when it's taking up so much thought space.

Anyway today was a bit of a write off. After an in service day the kids are back to school and so the quiet allows the inner turmoil some time to calm. At the very least the stick poking it is removed. But it's a horrible, cold, wet, windy and generally wild day. Nothing doing. I managed a walk down the park with the dog but it wasn't any fun even for him. Not much daylight to be had and not much today in that short period except ruminate. 

141 Escape

 

" Escape "

Just one of those days when you wish you could just escape it all. Just one of those days when you just want a break. It's like exhaustion from holding up the roof eternally from falling in. Just one of those days when you feel smothered by the place you have found yourself in and knowing no amount of lamenting the regrets will change it.

Financial woes keep coming back at me. The fear that not only will no money come in but the route to find another avenue will be blocked forever. The kids are off. Its too noisy. Other things weigh heavy. So many problems and so few solutions. I just need a break. I need a break from it to go again and I need a break in my favour to turn the corner. Nothing is ever hopeless, I keep telling myself, but among the panic attacks and lack of sleep from dread I can't find that pinhole of light. 

Anyway it will pass, there are solutions. I walked the dog today and saw this on the ground. I was hopeful it might be a portal to a better place but sadly not. Not even a hole to bury my head which was maybe a sign. The sooner I stop wollowing and the quicker I pull my head out the sand the better. There is no positivity in second guessing and negative narratives. I need to face what is soon and start looking for ways to solve everything. That is what today's message was. 

The man

 

My daughter has started a new job as I mentioned before as a support worker. It has brought with it mixed emotions. On one hand having dropped out of school and having no desire to work it is a great joy to see her enjoying her new job and enjoying the pay that comes with it. She is a creature of habit who did not take well to be asked to come off house visits and instead do shifts at a care home. Once in though she really enjoys that too. It should be all good. But there is a part of me that has been filled with concern. When she told me some of the things she deals with it set off alarm bells. She mentioned one woman who is constantly scared and needing reassurance. Another who screams all the time. Hard enough for most folk to deal with but unimaginable really for a 17 year old with no training. It concerns me.

What tipped it for me though was today telling me that a new patient had arrived, a man. She was asked to take him to his room alone. I should say she works nights now. She did this but in a room alone the man got threatening. He told her to get on the bed which she refused. She feared he was going to punch her. Thankfully she managed to leave.

It would alarm any parent. My initial reaction was to call her employers but then I fear I may be overstepping the mark- it's not my place. That is hard. I had to mull that over. I know I would not get any sleep if I said nothing. If I said something then she would be annoyed. So in the end I just insisted that she is not left alone again with anyone and if anyone tried to force her to do so then I would intervene. I would imagine tbst should not be happening anyway and fear as a young girl she may not get the guidance she needs.

But aside from that one incident she loves her work. And I also have to say generally the people gave been very good with her. She is happy and so if I can keep her safe I think things will work out there. 

139 The Bill

 

" The Bill "

Honestly it is getting like "The Bill" around these parts with a weekly episode every Saturday. It's become expected now to get up at the weekend and look out to see a police presence. And from what I can tell it concerns the same people every week. Though I do have to say a Friday is when you faces usually appear then disappear as people get a weekend pass. This latest incident was a biggy involving 3 meat wagons and several cars over the space of a few hours also including plain clothes guys with vacuum bags going in and out.

I guess there should be some feeling of safety rather than alarm when it comes down to it. That said weekly flashing blue lights close to where I am bringing up my kids is no incentive for a toast. I've no idea what is going on. It seems to have kicked off with lockdown and continued. One weekend it began with 4 ambulances which was concerning. Lots of white outfits. Something big. Just another episode I suppose. 

138 Friday 13th

 

" Friday 13th "

That ominous day today when the 13th day of the month falls on a Friday. From memory and without looking it up I remember reading that it harks back to when King Philip IV (OK I looked that up) ordered the arrest of Jacques de Molay and the rest of the of the Knights Templar. Overnight they were rounded up and subsequently tried and killed en masse leading not only to the end of the holy warriors but also the beginning on many legends. It is amazing how much of today's life is connected to the past. The one that always sticks with me was finding out in my youth that "Ring around the rosie" related to the black death- very apt today. There was also a game involving paper folded over and held in the hand which relates back to an ancient cipher. It's fair to say that history has a lot to teach us and still holds a lot of interest.

Alas all the good stuff is in the past with not a lot happening in the present. Maybe on a day like today that is a good thing. 

137 23 years

 

" 23 years "

Its been a long time coming but next year should the Euro 20, yes that is 20, football final go ahead then Scotland will be there. It will be the first time at a major final for 23 years and I should know because I was there. And that was strange in reflection back in 1998 because it was not unique. It was very much par for the course getting to a major international football final for Scotland at that time. Scotland in fact at that time had qualified more times than any of the other home nations - even if they were poor everytime they arrived. We expected more. That was my first time and I had no idea it would be my last.

For twenty somethings this is completely new and thirty somethings at the bottom end may struggle to remember that last time. I meanwhile remember going to Paris by coach for the opening game against Brazil. I remember the long overnight train alone down to Bordeaux for the game against Norway. For the ultimate humiliation against Morocco in St Etienne I was thankfully back in Scotland hoping for my next trip. What I remember most is the joy. It was one big party. And where club football is divisive in the UK the national team brings unity. Its a treat to celebrate with friends you would normally be falling out with. I hoped for more but not to be. Hopefully some other 27 year old will have many more to come. 

I don't usually talk football and certainly not politics but it's unavoidable here. What I found strange at that time was the general disinterest from the French public at the time concerning their national team. A lot of that did come down to the team being seen to be mainly immigrants. But I think that team going on to win the Cup at home went a long way to changing that perception which was the main positive. Still though I could not understand it because no matter who played for Scotland I would have supported them. Now for me that has become tainted. This qualification has not brought the full on joy it should. Having seen how the success of the Glasgow 2014 Commonwealth games was used at a saltire waving vehicle to push an independence referendum I fear the same again. Maybe more so this time given England and Scotland will meet at Wembley next year. I just hope any political advances to hijack that feel good factor are spurned. So any celebrations tonight are tinged by that doubt. 

Vandals

  

Mt plan was for a Remembrance day post today but not to be. The church close to us has a very nice poppy display on the side of the building which I took a few photos of. There is a spotlight too so at light it is lit up. That was the intention at least but other events have changed my mind. 

First thing on Sunday morning I had to take the dog down the park to the local skate rink against my better judgement still trying to contain my fury. The intense anger is only surpassed possibly by frustration. I feel like I need to let out a primal scream that will be heard for miles around until my throat dries out completely. I feel like kicking walls and all the rest. But also a little voice is telling me to just accept things and move on.

On Saturday my wife took the oldest and youngest up north to see her dad. She had hoped for an overnight but because of current restrictions she had to come home instead. Middle child didn't know that know. She was allowed to stay with me as she had promised to go out with her pal . Without going into it some past events when she has gone out in the last year means that I was not happy about her going out while it was just me to look after her. She is my daughter but let me just say I cannot  go to a hospital or a police station or pick her up from somewhere far off or go out looking for her if it came to that. But it was my wife that allowed her to go out even though she was going away and at the time expected to be away all night. She allowed our daughter to go out on the promise she would be back at six.

She went out thinking it was just me and her for the rest of the night. As such she knew I could not go out looking for her if she didn't come home on time. I emphasised that this was a trial and if she disappointed me she would not be allowed to do this again. I should also point out that I could not contact her as she broken her iPhone. Instead she was using a phone given to her brother by her cousin. I won't go into detail but I spent 3 hours livid not knowing where she was and when she came home she had crocodile tears. I was too angry to ask. Eventually she blurted out that some boys had taken her phone and smashed it up down at the skate park. When my wife came home later she hit the roof. She asked why I had not gone down into the darkness of an unlit skate park to confront a mob of drunk teenage boys. Part of me thought I should too but then part of me thought what would be the point. It was done. I would not get the phone back. She did not know who did it. The police would not do anything. Angst all round. 

So the following day I went down the park and in the photo above is all that remains of the phone. It turns out she left her phone there by accident and when she went back to look for it some boys had it. Not just that but despite her tears they took great delight in smashing it to bits in front of her. As much as I'd like to throttle them I can't get by my anger at my daughter knowing the situation and being so selfish. This all happened after six. Her friend had gone home at that time as planned but she decided to stay out with another friend she met. She knows we are strapped for cash but despite that has ended up with a smashed phone. Before that another broken phone and before that she got after a phone her auntie which she left on a train a few days after getting it. That is two angry autnies on top of everything else. Frustration definitely trumps anger here. She needs a phone but we have no money to give her one and to be honest even if I had the money I could not use it on a phone right now given I know what would no doubt happen next. These iphones are not cheap but they treat them that way.

I would like to think she has learned her lesson but I don't think she has. For whatever reason her and her friends seem to gravitate towards these types of mindless yobs.  

136 Armistice

 

" Armistice "

Walking I don't know how much it had to do with yesterday but today things were easier outdoors. I had a renewed freedom. It takes me back to my theory of the anxiety flush which is to say that when anxiety is a constant drip it needs flushed at some point by panic to bring the general anxiety level down. Today I had that renewed mobility but also gave to admit that a sense of adventure and the chance to take photos if something different played their part.

I managed to cross over into an area I have not been able to visit for years at the other sidf of Bothwell Bridge. It used to be part of the Clyde walkway but with recent road development that route has been moved. Its quiet, overgrown and peaceful. As luck would have if there was also a war memorial on Armistice day. One of many coincidences of late that I may write about soon. It was good today. For thd first time in a long time I actually enjoyed being out and only the quick loss of daylight sent me packing but there is more diwn there for another day. 

135 Wildlife

 

" Wildlife "

It's another "Where's Wally" but with a deer. There is one there I promise. A young deer. Am unfazed youth. The fog just stared too not sure whether to chase or be chased so doing neither. It was the first Wildlife we have seen for a while while out walking the dog through the woods. Later we saw a squirrel. Hopefully more will follow. Seeing wildlife solidifies that sense of being away from modern life and back into nature.

Our walks are increasing in distance and duration slowly dependant on whether my wife is working or not. And with that we will see more wildlife hopefully. If only my ability to stay out would match my desire to do so. At the risk of sounding like a stuck record this DWP decision hanging over me is a constant source of anxiety which is still spilling over. 

We walked down toward the river and were within about 20 feet of it. I was thinking how I had gone much further than I expected. And that was enough. My muscles tightened. I did not want to go thd last few steps. I made excuses - the ground is too boggy. My wife wanted to go there but I put her off. But then she started walking another direction away from home. I still could not move. Struck by fear. I said I would slowly walk back and she could catch up. It was a constant fight with panic. Eventually it calmed and I walked back to meet her. From there I felt the panic was gone. We walked further. It's going to take time and it's not going to be smooth. I have to accept that. 

133 Remembrance Day

 

" Remembrance Day"

In recent years there has been a visible upsurge in the number of buildings adorning poppies around remembrance Sunday which is nice to see. The first big one I remember were the ceramic poppies at the Tower of London some years back. My cousin who lives down in the south east and is partial to a day out in London visited and was amazed by them. Very poignant. Since then I've seen several from afar and a few years back saw ones at Balhousie Castle in Perth which is home to the Blackwatch. They were possibly the same ones as were in London. Amazing to see in the flesh.

They do make you stop and think. The ones above are installed on the side of the local church. It seems a growing trend. My overriding memory of this time of year was of shivering old men standing all day on the cold selling individual poppies for no personal gain. In these current times that is not the case. In fact for the first time in a while I didn't even encounter a poppy seller so don't have one. But its not important. Its only important to remember and never forget. 

132 Fog

 

" Fog "

Today was a bit of a write off unfortunately with my world enveloped in pea soup. In some ways I was glad not to venture out too far with that excuse note in hand but in other ways I know another day in is another day lost. Its possibly a visualisation of my current state. Its an anxious fog clouding my world as I wait in this limbo for the DWP to get back to me, while also dreading it. Nothing out there looks the same as it does. None of it looks inviting. At that lies beyond what cannot be seen is more anxiety. 

Right now I could really do without that. In order to deal mentally with what is coming I need to lower my anxiety levels. Going into panic is not the way to do they of course. Yet at the same time not going out will send me slowly backward again and as a result that knowledge drives anxiety. It's just the way it is and has always been- or the last 15 years at least. I just have to find a middle ground which is not perfect but the compromise is better than the alternatives. So I ventured as far as I could which turned out to be a little more than I feared. Tomorrow the fog will lift and I can only hope that too will be a visualisation of my anxious state. 

Fireworks

 

I was dreading fireworks night because of the dog. He didn't seem to mind strangely. Maybe he's used to it. The damned things have been going off for a week anyway. He seemed fascinated. Last year I just kept the windows closed to buffle sound but they are so loud now it's impossible to mute them. It didn't bother him though. He watched on enquiringly. Indoors that was at least. A later walk was very different. He was scared witless and so I cut it short.

I do think some of these over the counter fireworks are getting a bit too heavy duty. I do like the idea of keeping them to an organised event, outside of this pandemic, but that is also hypocritical given how I enjoyed a small selection out the back with the kids when they were younger. Very much small fry though. Having something that looks like it should have ACME written on the side fly by the window can be scary. A boom that almost shatters the window is alarming. I get the feeling there is a bit of one upmanship about it all. Then again I do have to say it's only since owning a pet I have thought that way. 

It's a strange night. It's a bizarre sort of thing because although people are isolating and distancing the celestial displays cannot stay personal. They are there for all too see. Whether you are in your garden with neighbours or alone at a window there is still a shared experience. A bit too loud for my liking to be honest. I just like the visuals. I think the dog does too. 

129 Walking struggles

 

" Walking struggles "

Walking struggles but also struggles in general. Its come as no surprise as I have seen this show before. As soon as I have to deal with the DWP my anxiety rises and my boundaries tighten. Having taking great delight in pushing out further than I have in a long time I suddenly find these places too far again. It's doubt. Doubt over how to pay bills when my sole source of income is again removed. And I know the staple answer: Get a job benefit scrounging scum. I would gladly and nearly did but for that safety bet being removed prematurely. It's frustrating. Twice I have had to go to a tribunal and twice the judgement has gone in my favour but although the finances were restored the progress lost cannot be restored. And again it looks like at best I have another lengthy battle to prove the same point for a 3rd time but may not even be allowed that.

I won't go on. It is what it is. Right or wrong I cannot change it and even if I can then it will take so long that I will no doubt be virtually housebound again. I just keep trying to put it from my mind but I can't. As soon as I stop manning the ramparts it floods in. My wife asks why I am not doing my cbt which helped before. I can't. I've tried. I sit and look and see letters and words. I see black characters on a white background but they fail to provide the imagery required. I cannot concentrate long enough. I see a string of letters and spaces making words then numbers which are red with a minus and all the rest. I feel cold sweat. I feel darkness running through me. I feel tightness. I can't escape. How can I do cbt?

So I try to push out but it's not happening. Mentally I cannot escape the dog chasing its tail over and over and over ever more. I feel the weight of the world as I walk and I cannot go far so I go home. I am not alone. People are losing their businesses, their jobs, their homes and so much more. I need to try to calm and let it go. For every problem there is a solution. Things sometimes are not as bad as they seem. I just need a break from it for a bit to face it. The past 4 years have been a nightmare but they didn't need to be if I'd thought things through. Mostly though it's t his burying my head in the sand which has kept me stuck. I need to start facing these things. I feel like I am lost in the woods but there are always paths out. I just need to seek them and maybe even look for help doing that rather than trying to do it all alone. 

Employment and Support Allowance

 

Its that time of year again when 3 letters sees the line graph that was slowly climbing over months plummet to the axis in a single moment. DWP and ESA are the 2 reasons I spent most of Friday on the phone taking very little in and just trying to stay on the phone long enough to finish a call before panic makes me end it. Its like an anxiety rodeo. It's no fun trying to stay on and the longer you stay on the more stress and anxiety build. When the bucking stops it can be mentally dangerous. Nothing stops with the call. Sleepless nights and anxious mornings follow. Dread is constant without resolution. Panic is a threat always.

Anyway I now await news on whether my case can be reopened. It's complicated. If its not reopened then not only can I not get my ESA now under any circumstances but also I cannot claim again because that will be a year of not paying stamps. Its grim for sure. So today I go to the door to find 4 Manila envelopes. More dread. The plan is to put them somewhere, mentally prepare and look next week. It does though mean another week of mental torture but that is better than looking into the probable financial abyss. Or at least that was the plan until I saw the phrase "tax credits". Not ESA. I can breathe again but at some time more envelopes will arrive and I will have to look at them. 

A quick recap is surely needed. In 2017 when for the first time in over a decade I was heading towards being fit for work the DWP stopped my money. For most of that year and all of 2018 I had no money coming in and enough financial woes as a result to wipe out years of progress. In December 2018 my appeal was upheld, my ESA was reinstated and a couple of weeks later my ESA was stopped again as the process was restarted. June 2019 it all came to an end. Medical Services wanted a letter from my GP to day why I could not attend a medical. My GP faxed medical services and I heard no more. Stupidly I assumed that act had been enough. Stupidly again I did not check my bank account for a year through fear of finding something I did not want to see. The backdated pay I received at the time meant I could take a break from the anxiety. When I did look I found I had not been paid since June 2019 and my claim was closed.  

My own stupidity? 100% it was. The easiest thing to do would have been to look at my bank account in the months after my GP sent the fax and if the repayments had not restarted then contact them. Its easier for me to say that now. I cannot describe in words how draining this process is. I buried my head in the sand hoping everything would be alright because I could not face more dread. Not a proper night of sleep for weeks and months. Disturbed sleep actually. Nightmares. And when you wake and the thoughts are not there it only takes seconds for the dread to creep back in then the cold sweat comes on and you feel some sort of horrible feeling running through you. Yet a call could have stopped it. The unknown brought no relief. But again I just could not face it. 

So that is where I am at. I don't like talking about personal stuff like finances but it has played such a part in my anxiety that I have to. If the sleepless nights and constant feeling of impending doom from it were not bad enough it is compounded my my recovery from anxiety disorder being torn to shreds. All my progress has disappeared. I push on though. Its all I can do but I know I am swimming against the tide at the moment. 

127 Twilight

 

" Twilight "

It is not just me who is trying to expand the boundaries but the dog too. He has his own fear and own agoraphobia to an extent so widening that bubble would be great for both of us. One of the main reasons for getting a dog was the walks which looked great in our minds. They were woodlands, open fields, streams, waterfalls and beautiful scenery with the dog running about almost smiling. The reality is me dragging him around the block before or after going on a long walk alone

The exception is when my wife comes. It's still not as we liked but to be fair to the dog when we first created those scenes in our collective heads I was in a better place too. Having an extra adult seems to calm him. We can go further and recently we have tried pushing out further. Tonight we headed for an open boggy field which used to house a retreat house before it was burned down a couple of decades ago. It's quiet mostly and empty enough to see other people and dogs coming. That said a dual carriageway runs beside it and a river at the other side while from time to time maniacs on dirt bikes noisily churn the ground up. So we don't let him off the lead but it is dome kind of freedom which will lead to more. 

Who cracked first? It was me. I was really feeling the anxiety growing unfortunately and I called it a day. That call was helped by the onset of twilight meaning we did not have long there anyway unless we wanted to find our way out the bog in the black. It's a benefit to both of us. I hope in time I can take him alone and we are both less anxious. This is the start of that. Twilight is my favourite time to walk when it's peaceful. This was good. Despite the anxiety it felt good. 

126 Chain

 

" Chain "

I hate that feeling when something is missing and you know it but can do nothing about it. The incompleteness generates anxiety. The gap cannot be filled. I think back to the long period I went without a wedding band. One day it just was not there and every day after it bothered me until after a very long time it did not. Then one day my wife found it despite having bought another in the years between. It was in a toy box. We surmised that it had come off when throwing a toy in which was likely true given my fingers had lost as much weight as everywhere else in that period so it did slip off at times - mostly when washing my hands. Many wasted searches outside where I was convinced it had been lost could have been avoided if I'd started indoors or had fatter fingers in the first place.

It's a feeling everyone is familiar with as it happens from time to time. It could be a tooth extraction or some material object list. I used to get it with broken watches and that habitual look for the time on a bare wrist before we all held on to mobile phones. And I have it now. 

Years ago I had a good friend who wanted to buy me and one of his other friends a lasting token of friendship. He chose a St Christopher medal which I was thankful for but shamefully lost at some point. I'm not sure how because I never owned a chain so it sat in a sock drawer. I think it got lost between several moves. Anyway when I got engaged my wife got me a watch and a silver chain. Years later she bought another St Christopher for me. It wasn't just to have something to dangle. He is of course the patron Saint of travellers. The irony was not lost on me. I got the first when I was not agoraphobic and had a longing to travel. Maybe its loss was the onset of agoraphobia. Maybe not. The second was purchased when I was agoraphobic but sadly didn't help. Not noticeably or in any haste at least. 

Today I noticed something lying on the floor and on inspection it was my chain. It was unlinked but strangely not broken. And the medal was gone. I have searched high and low without success. The chain was at my feet. I had changed tops to assume on taking off my top while sitting on the sofa I have accidentally caught the chain and it has come apart falling to the ground. It makes it all the more bizarre that I cannot find the medal. So now it will bother me as again I will feel incomplete. One last thing though. I was drawn to the mantelpiece for something else and for the first time noticed an old chain with a cross on it. It must belong to my wife, her mum or her gran. I have not asked. I'm not religious and have no interest in it but feel this strong compulsion to wear the cross. I can't explain it and that in itself is causing its own little anxiety