Anniversary

I don't know why I thought it would be so easy, the first part at least. A two part plan where the first part didn't need planning and the onus was on part 2. And part one was done. It was dark and I was sitting in the car in the car part of the shopping centre barely giving the shops much of a glance. I hadn't even taken the seatbelt off and nor had I taken my specs off which indicated there and then that part two was a no go. I was shaking. I couldn't stop it. And if truth be told I was that way before I even opened the car door. It took me back to my first drive after my big panic attack, exactly the same. I can't even remember the last time I drove but for some reason I thought it would be fine. It wasn't. Despite being defeated before even getting in the car I pushed through the panic and drove the short distance to the shopping car park. So there I was shaking and with the sole single repeated thought of alarm that I had to get the hell out of there and the quicker the better. So much for staying with panic. Everywhere I looked there were people sitting in cars looking back. Reminded me of the first chapter in a novel I wrote of a guy on a bus and not being able to escape the stares where even trying to look out of windows he suddenly realised he was facing someone's reflection. So I legged it. Empty handed and full of frustration, guilt and panic.

Why the hell did I put myself through that, last night? Well today is our 9th wedding anniversary and I needed flowers and a card. Me being me I left it to the last minute thinking I could just wing it and I couldn't. I was like a bear with a sore head after. So pissed off and full of guilt. This morning I had to sit and recieve a card and a jumper and a kiss full of guilt. "Where is your card?" asked my oldest daughter. I struggled to speak. Later, was all I could say. Last night I found the only thing I could do was get on to Interflora and spend money we don't have but it had to be done. So the wife was over the moon to recieve the bouquet above at work but the guilt didn't leave me. Failure, big stupid failure. And then I thought: what about the card?

Well that was something else still missing. I couldn't got out and get one- though I did contemplate another futile attempt but given the panic last night and more of the same this morning I decided not to compound matters. The neighbour was in downstairs and I did think about asking a favour but that would be as hollow as getting it from Moonpig. So I decided to make one. Took me a while and thankfully the ink had not run dry on the printer. Not the best of attempts but its there in the middle above and more personal as I put my own words in it. The wife was overjoyed even though it didn't come in an envelope. And all is well for now but with mother's day approaching and her birthday soon after I am going to have to plan more in advance this time around.

Jarred

Little girl, I know how you feel. I feel it too. Battering on the glass trying to smash it to escape. Feeling trapped. Jarred. Just like Wee Jimmy. RIP Big/Wee Jimmy who was found on a Monday morning passed away at the tail end of last year. Been feeling restricted this week. More so that usual. Probably because I have been pushing more than usual just have my face pressed up against the glass with that obscured view of what lies beyond. I remember times like these. I remember I passed beyond them. Patience young, aye right, man!

But God I did try, believe me I did. I went out one night to hear noise echoing side to side. A loudspeaker. Lots of high pitch sounds. Dance music. Walked a bit. Lights. Lots of lights. Tried to capture it but not quite. Got closer. Who's that weirdo from afar with the camera? Jeez, as close as I could get. Face pressed against the cold glass of the jar wanting to get closer, wanting to run home. And that is about the size of it.

Just two pics this week, not much doing. The first my daughter asked me for. Not great and could be a lot better with a bit of time worked on it but I took it as far as my interest and patience would allow. I get a photography magazine every month which always has tutorials for manipulation and also includes people's attempts from previous issues. My daughter saw a girl in the jar in the latter but I didn't have the magazine for a tutorial so had to play around after nodding me he to: Take a picture of me like this dad and at the weekend, if you have the time of course, you could put me in a jar. If only- shouldn't say that. Be careful what you wish for.

And that big old funfair type thing had me intrigued and frustrated at the same time. Wanted to get closer. Just couldn't do it. Not that I couldn't physically get closer, I could, but all the while in my deranged head I was counting the steps and how many more it would take to escape back. You need a right steady hand for those sort of things, not ideal when shaking with panic.

Anyways a better week. On the up I feel. But slowly. And that is OK if I can show some patience and realise I have little choice.



Lastly just one other thing. If you are wondering why the pics of late look so grainy its not the wee old camera- though it does now produce a black spodge in the top corner so has to be cropped. Its the lack of light here. Even in daylight there is not enough natural light. Its not great. It makes for less sharpness and more noise in a little compact. But still no nearer to affording something better. Halfway there but think I'll need to wait until my 50th to make up the rest so making do in between.

Foggy

A really foggy start to the week. A mist covering the town which is no bad thing- be great if it stayed, but it didn't. Certainly good for me which probably says a lot about self consciousness. I felt fine out and about in it. Easier to take photos too without attracting too much attention.

The kids finally got their scooters out. The girls were like a duck to water but the boy was more like a stone. He was bobbing up and down going nowhere quick and finally falling sideways. I wanted to get a pic of him from behind and the fog ahead. Unfortunately that was hard with my wife having to constantly help him. So not the best pic but will have to do.

As you can no doubt tell from the pics I am still not getting out much. A bit of a worry but I am trying to let that go. The problem with keeping records is that they are great to illustrate progress but also a reminder when things are going the wrong way. I have noticed that my longest walks have been dropping by 2 miles every year and this year I am still under half the distance I was doing last year. No point in obsessing over it though or trying to push on when I am not ready. They should come good in their own time. They usually do. Just have to keep making the effort to go out each day and see where it takes me.

Its a funny old thing, well not that funny. A person not in this position wouldn't understand it. They most likely think I am at home with not much to do and then comes time to go for a walk and I just can't be bothered. Not the case. Before I even go out is a fight with the mind. Will I feel crap after it? Its early in the day and if I have adverse effects, as is more common these days, I have all day to put up with them. Then I am out and trying to stop tensing up and trying not to go to quickly. Constantly reminding myself. And I get so far. I look ahead. Can I get there? Yes. But I'm not going there. Whether I can get there is not the issue. Whether I can get there, back and back home is the issue.

The agoraphobic mind, my own at least, makes distances bigger than they are. That thought from where I am in relation to home kicks the anxiety up a few notches. Enough to send me packing with shaky legs and breath shortening. Enough to make it feel physical and add more anxiety and tension. Were it all to stop there it would be OK but I get in and sometimes I feel terrible for a good time after. Its not in relation to distance or even apparent anxiety. I've had times where short distances have got me in panic and when I came home have quickly recovered but there have been times when I have done long distances without too much anxiety and came home with a smile only to have a torrid time thereafter. There is no continuity to and as such has me constantly on guard and therefore apprehensive.

There "after affects" are not new but they are not something I had experienced for a couple of years- not as often as this at least. It comes I think from a long lay off after the festive period. This is how it was in the beginning. For a good time I was housebound. Even putting the bin out the back was an ordeal. It was like in a film. I would tensely slide out the door and the world outside felt unreal. It was as it was but maybe a little out of focus and askew. I could feel my heart pounding and struggled with hyperventilation just going around the back of the house. Pure fight or flight. And as I finally managed to get out firstly just to the end of the street I started to find things physically as well as mentally difficult despite the short distance. It took somewhere between 6-9 months just to finally manage to get around the block, just over a third of a mile. The stumbling block for many months was halfway which when I reached it whether I came clockwise or anti-clockwise always seemed so far away in my head. And it was the point in where the road home changed from where I had come from to where I was going to. That was the stumbling block. Taking that mental leap. It took me a long time and even when I finally did it it was still difficult for well over a month after. Even though by then I realised it actually wasn't as far as I thought.

But from there I managed to push out further slowly. It was more a cases of back and forward. A kind of shuffle. And sometimes I would be going back and feeling terrible and at others feeling better and moving forward. The reason I say all this is that during this time I used to get these after effects all the time which made me choose to go for walks later in the day and they were the sole thing holding me back. The walk was never as bad as what I had to deal with after. But as time went on these happened less and less until a time when they were so infrequent they were no longer a concern.

And I can sort of see why. I was housebound for probably 6 months. That is half a year of very little physical activity. As well as having to deal with the mental aspects of my agoraphobia I also had physical issues too due to being inactive for so long. So it took my body a while to adjust. I didn't understand it at the time but I tend to forget I am not a teenager any more. If I had been then I don't think there would have been any physical issue. But there was. And now there is. This times its from a long lay off. The chest infection at the end of last year stopped me walking for over a week and I found it tough to get going again. And not long after I struggled in resuming Christmas came and it was a further 2 weeks without any walks at all. So the body is once again trying to get used to the exercise again and if I am wise and do it gently it will get used it. I just have to be patient.

The kids were on holiday from Thursday, and continue to be, so it made for a long stressful time at the end of the week. The usual. Constant griping and fighting and crying and all else. Just never stops. No amount of rows deters them. Just like caged animals restless in this little home for too long a time. I'll be glad to see them go back as much as they are looking forward to going back. Not their fault they see Mr Grumpy as their dad without understanding its Mr Anxious.

Trying a lot this week to look forward and stop looking back. Noticing my mind keeps taking me places that are gone and cannot be changed and lingering on them. From the moment I wake. So trying to free myself of those thoughts which are in themselves tiring and of no use to anyone unless you are a masochist. I wish I was as this would all be great fun.

It continues to be a slow start to the year with not much to blog about to be honest but it will change. The cold up here doesn't want to go away. The car remains effectively off the road. Walks are still up at a constant level without going beyond. Change is what I need. And that is what I am trying to do but I will leave that hopefully if it all works out and I can keep to it. Again looking back is just full of dark things I cannot change now but I can change the now and if I can do that it will change the future. As always hope for the future remains foggy but given time fog always clears.

Memories

It was only 45 minutes earlier than usual but it was enough to panic me. Bloody time related anxiety is frustrating me. I see it for what it is but cannot seem to help myself panicking. The boy's birthday, Monday 30th. I was holding the video camera with the arm shaking and in panic. Two thoughts: I need to get out of here and there is nowhere to go. Around and around and around. Simple fight or flight. So much of this nowadays. I had it on Christmas morning too. I need to get myself out the habit.
But I was already primed for panic after visits on the Saturday and Sunday as I said in my last post. Thankfully two days of visits doesn't happen that often. So it was a tough morning when the kids were off to school and further adrenaline from morning panic when the phone rang and my dad was on the other end. A simple call: I'll be through in an hour. Three days of visits is unheard of but that is what I got. And the one with my dad was the worst. Nothing to do with him but just so happened he was the third one. I just really struggled to keep it together and twice had to leave the room before returning which didn't get noticed. Really struggled.

Its all internal. I panic because I slip into internal dialogue. Its where mindfulness may help me because I spend too much time internally that being forced to participate in the real world brings panic and not being able to escape that keeps the panic cycle going. But when I am connected with the real world again as usually happens after half an hour or so the panic subsides and only returns in fleeting threats which I can mostly fend off.

Anyway, as I said it was the boy's birthday and the rest of the day was much better. He was spoiled and over the moon with all things Mario. Above pictured with his Mario cake wearing the Luigi outfit my parents bought him. He wouldn't take it off and even wanted to wear it to bed. And as hard as I found the visits I am glad that he and the girls got to see their relations over a three day period.