PH00

Last week was interesting. It stemmed from an incident with my daughter and turned out to drive me on- to some extent. A few months ago despite being told not to take her beloved Nintentdo 3DS to the bedroom she did so and subsequently sat on in- or dropped it, the stories are conflicting. The upshot was a broken screen and so virtually no 3DS. It has therefore been sitting untouched. Apart from the broken screen between the three children someone managed to change the parental lock to a code no one knows and a secret question no one knows the answer to which requires a phone call to Nintendo and too much palava to contemplate. Basically it was forgotten about despite its expense as another broken item discarded to the pile. That was until my daughter saw a game she simply must have- and either save for or ask santa for. But the game is no use without a workable device.

Given she broke the thing and I am trying to teach my children the value of things as they get things too easy thanks mostly to generous relatives I told my daughter if she wanted her 3DS fixed she would have to pay for it herself. She asked how much. So I looked I checked the Nintendo site. They have two prices depending on whether its a major or minor repair, the difference between the two is something they determine on receipt of the device. A screen? A major repair surely. Prices are £47.50 for a minor and £77.50 for a major. Oh dear, you better get saving then girl. That just about deflated her- an me to be honest. And even if the screen did one day get repaired there was still the parental lock to contend with which basically locks the console down making it almost unusable. Depressing for her.

Well I looked about and found you could buy replacement screens for £15 so I said if she wanted to buy one, with the endless pot of cash she always seems to have, then I would fit it. A job I volunteered for blindly- maybe stupidly. So she agreed and while we waited for the screen to arrive I found a way to unlock the parental lock without the need to deal with Nintendo. One problem eliminated at least. The screen arrived and I expected just to undo a few screws, click it in and away she goes. How wrong I was.

When did screws change so drastically?  I think back to changing the wheel on the car and how that had changed from a simple procedure. So much passes me by in this little cocoon. The world moves on and technology in all walks of life progresses with it into smaller and more awkward and more pain in the arse varieties. When I was a lad if you had to unscrew something there was one simple question: flathead or Phillips? How many screwdrivers and screws are there now? In various guises I had about 7, past tense which I coming to, and none of them fitted these little sods. Apparently I needed precision screwdrivers. As my wife was going to the shops I went alone. I stayed out a long time and ended up get roped into shopping- which was fine strangely. 3 different shops and 3 different checkouts I went through which is really something for me. I came home with a set of 12 screwdrivers, opened the packet and set to work to find none of them would turn a screw either. On a side note: Isn't it a annoying how so many things come in these sealed plastic packaging you have to cut open and so cannot take back if it not what you want? Or is that just me?

I had to look into a bit more. What I needed was called a PH00 and the pack of 12 I had bought had a PH0 and a PH000 but not a PH00. Bollocks! So frustrated I marched out the door and along to the local supermarket and it was only when I felt the panic biting as I stood in front of packs of screwdrivers that I realised that I had bit off more than I could chew. Not so long ago I bought my wife a Google Play card. It was swift but still an achievement. This was a lot harder. Unplanned and fuelled with determination and frustration which was ebbing quickly as I botched my way through the self serve only, thankfully, in the end to be rescued by a neighbour who was luckily in the opposite queue. Back home I went pleased with myself with another 6 screwdrivers and at home I sat about tearing my hair out as none of them turned a screw. I had seen "00" but it turned out to be NO rather than PH. Too complicated for the likes of me. But a good anxiety workout, a long time out in normality. In the end though despite my now large collection of screwdrivers I had to order one more online and wait for it to arrive.

It arrived at the start of the week which was when I realised the quick job in my head turned out not to be so in reality. It took me two days to take the thing apart bit by bit to the mess you see above and took all today to put together again. Success? I have about 7 screws and 3 different little wotsits which I haven't a clue where to put so have put them in storage. The things works though which I guess was the point. And did I teach my daughter a lesson in the value of things? Judge for yourself. She came in, I told her it was fixed, a hug, a thank you, a quick shot, a list of 4 things not right, put it down and hasn't touched it since. Ah well. I had some fun anyway.

Just wandering now what else I can take apart and put back together with my new ensemble of screwdrivers.

Almost normal morning

As soon as I said it I remembered and the memory sunk my confidence is one swift slap. Things have been going very well. So well that even my wife is impressed- which is something and very hard for her to admit. It led to us discussing it the other day but I will get to that in a moment.

The village I live in is a dump. A drab urban grey lifeless garbage filled soulless dreary poor-excuse-for-a-villag. Its a depressing place full of neds with either tracksuits or devil dogs or both. Full of angry people, ignorant people and all else in between. Not everyone of course. In fact the impression I am giving you would think I would be right at home. One thing it does have though is history. Its an old village. Home to Scotland's greatest explorer and coal mines and so much more. The past lies hidden in places waiting to be found. Pits, shafts, tunnels, carvings, springs, old ruined buildings and general things of interest which thanks to a few people who have found these things, researched them and posted about them online they are accessible for anyone with an interest. Things have been so well I not only have an interest but an appetite. A hunger to get out and find some of these things for myself with my photograph. They are places I could not have ventured previously and still not sure I can but things have been going so well I have been hopeful that I can. So I have been searching, finding and planning.

That leads me to the conversation with the wife. It was all positive and remained so but not in my head when I said: The great thing is I have been going all these places I could not go before and not panicking. That was when all the CBT came back to me. The warnings on exposure. You see the point of exposure is not to go out and hope not to panic and indeed if you do not feel some sort of high level of anxiety then its a complete waste of time. The point is to go to places where this is induced and try to use the learned skills to deal with the panic and therefore finally, gradually, get to as stage where the fear is lowered to the point of not caring. All this new exploring has not been doing that. For whatever reasons I have not been panicking. As soon as I thought that I knew what would happen next.

And it did. this morning on the school run and before it I had been thinking that I no longer fear the school run or have to warn my wife I may need to turn back or think I will have to turn back. Nearing the school that is exactly what happened. I was feeling dodgy all the way up unusually and then I said something to my wife which I cannot remember but was short. A few words. I had to rush the last word though as I felt I needed a large intake of breath. Even after I did I felt I was not getting any air. It felt like there was a vacuum in my lungs. Felt like I was suffocating. Panic. The overwhelming urge to leave. But I said nothing and pushed on. Jelly legs followed an unreality as the world seemed strange- felt actually like I was in a boat on high seas. I did though push to the school and back but I never calmed from that state. I should say briefly its hard to recall these things in the middle it of it but here is what actually happened. I was apprehensive and more so as I headed to the school and when I am like this I tense up and I have a tendancy to hold my breath without realising it. This is what lead to the breathlessness- holding my stomach tight- I am also blocked up. Then panic because I was telling myself I was suffocating. Jelly legs- the leg muscles go taut in preparation to fight or flee. Unreality- peripheral vision is narrowed to focus on percieved danger and the pupils widen allowing in more light which leads to the sense that the world is not quite as it seems. All explainable though at the time none of this came to mind.

I had stuck with it though and furthermore as we neared home and my wife asked me if I wanted to go to the cafe every fibre in my body was shaking its head but I said yes. More panic. Sitting at a table in the cafe with a cup of tea at the window looking out at the people going by. That urge to just get up and leave but I stuck with it. And here I was thinking: bloody typical! I was referring to the thought about not panicking previously and now panicking. I was linked in to the fear that all this "progress" could at any moment fall from beneath and send my tumbling back to where I was. Depressing actually and of course panic inducing.

It was only later that I saw it for what it was. These doubts are there precisely because I was not panicking before. As much as I would prefer not to panic I do actually have to panic if I am one day to overcome the fear of it which keeps it coming back and keeps me stuck. So in fact this is what I should be experiencing if I am to progress and staying with it and through it is exactly what I am supposed to be. In the end it did not hold me back and send me scuttling back home. From panic on the way to school it continued in waves back home and in the cafe. Finally though it eased off and I did not stop. I accompanied my wife into two different charity shops, ones I had never been in before, then into the supermarket from a long browse before finally taking a long route home. Over 2 miles in all and more importantly over an hour out- the longest I have been out on foot since this all started. And maybe even more importantly than that it was far from panic free but I let it be and stayed with it not letting it hold me back. Panic aside it was almost a normal morning.

The darkness and the light

I hope my posts of late have been a bit more update than they have been in the, even recent, past. Certainly as far as anxiety is concerned that is the mood. Happy, content, growing confidence and more hope day by day. But (Oh no here it comes) its not all positives. On that score I won't go into much detail if any at all. I think though its important to note. I see myself as being on the path to recovery but without knowing if that is truely the case or whether I will get to the other side but I feel that is the direction I am heading for the first time in my life and that is all I can ask for. If I was offered this at the start of the year I would have taken it with glee so I am happy with it now.

As I said its not all positive and it is important to stress this point. I do not want anyone in the same position reading these posts and getting the impression that its all easy and everything just goes swell and life is sweet and all that crap. Its not. Particularly my physical well being which is not OK and is cause for concern at times but whether that is concern well founded or all in my head I do not know. That is the problem with not being able to see a doctor or a dentist or visit a hospital. That is also one of the problems with dealing with anxiety too. So many anxiety related symptoms are the same as symptoms with a more worrying physical cause and self help tells us to accept these as anxiety as if having an anxiety disorder makes us immune to all the other problems that crop up in life. We, or me at least, are suggestive in this state too which compounds the matter. I think of news recently on Facebook of the natural death of someone I knew at high school, the same age, or being told the neighbour, not much older, has cancer. All this things exist in life and people with anxiety disorders are not excluding from them and those of an agoraphobic nature do not have the reassurance of being checked over and told its OK- or its not. Its a limbo.

But it is also one of many other reasons to get better and be able to do those things. In the meantime all we can do is accept those things and hope they are "just anxiety". But what about the things that are certainly not just anxiety? There are many of those and those are harder to just accept.

There is an irrational feeling among people with panic disorder that something is out to get them. A feeling that something is working against them. I am no different even though its not true. But it does at times feel like, however irrational, that a balance must be struck and for this renewed hope and getting out and feeling generally more on top of thing there is a price to be paid. Some not so good things have happened recently. Some worrying, some more explainable but always left in doubt. And it does feel like these are sent to hold us back just as we are making a little big of headway. For every small step forward there is a pair of hands trying to push us back a couple of steps.

These things though I think have always existed to some degree and possibly I am not seeing beyond my own situation and these are things that affect everyone. Sometimes I feel I need to give myself a slap to stop that kind of wallowing because the reality is not quite so bleak. I have doubt but as I have illustrated above people have real concerns. Doubts pale in comparison to what a lot of people have to contend with in life and that is when I must give myself a shake. Life does not run smoothly and the road is more bumpy the older you get. It stands to reason. So actually I should be thinking myself very lucky indeed. Lucky that as far as I know I have my health and for the first time since I became agoraphobic I have hope that I can make my way back into the world again.

I did though just want to say its not all plain sailing just in case I was giving the impression it was. On writing this blog its walking a tightrope really between the darkness and the light and trying to be true without being seeped or exposed too much in one or the other. Life though is what it is and we all have our problems to carry and we all just hope beyond hope that we come out the other side OK. No one is any different in that regard. In that we are all very much the same except the degrees of problems we have.

By Train: Step Three

I have to be honest and say that my new graduated exposure route was ripped up. Owing to a problem I had a few weeks ago I decided to restart by CBT from scratch but it was again delayed because the kids are off school this week so I will start again next week. Previously I had a plan to take a train ride and got through steps one and two. Then it all ended and in truth I have not given it any thought since. In actual fact I had already decided that when I started my CBT again I would not do the train ride but instead plan for a bus ride. I decided that with good reason.

Doing the CBT and in particular the graduated exposure it is important not to overstretch yourself. There is a troubleshooting guide to refer to when it isn't working and that is what I turned to when getting to step three in the graduated exposure felt impossible to me. The guide said that if its causing to much anxiety then either break it up into smaller steps or change to something that causes less anxiety to begin with. Breaking it up into smaller steps is wise but in this instance a no go for me. Already going down that root was causing me too much paranoia- the waiting bit- so breaking it down smaller was not going to help. In fact the route was too awkward and the only other route was much longer- too long for me. So when I start the CBT again I will be doing something else. I think a bus ride would cause less anxiety and would be a way to start.

So that is in the future and was not on my mind as I went for a walk today taking the route to school because I did not want to be missing out on that with the schools off this week. Even a week away from it makes it harder for me to go there after. It is therefore important to keep doing it which is what I am doing. Like all things.

Today that's what I was doing and then found myself walking down the street towards the train station. It was was actually the second time this week. On Monday I was surprised to find myself at the entrance where the cars go in and to do I wanted to try to get there again. Like all things. Repeat and repeat and repeat some more and hope that at some stage it gets easier. I got there. I lingered and lurked and thought the urge to cut and run. I stood. I argued in my mind. I dillied and I dallied and just as I was about to go when the feeling to flee got to much to hold back I suddenly thought: Bugger it. And instead of heading back I ventured into the lions den.

A road. Walk down the road. Excpecting soon to see the station in  view. I knew what to look for. Once upon a time I had my own flat up North and used to travel down here on a Friday and back up on a Sunday. I'd been here  few times by car. I was expecting the station and as I turned the corner was not disappointed. It was there. But so were so many other people. Lots of people. I didn't expect that. Why I expected it to be barren I do not know but it was not. Both sides of the track were full of people. I ventured further to the track side. So many people that there were no benches to sit on. No matter, I was not staying. Remember: wait until the anxiety drops by half. Aye right. Its not going to drop, its going to blow through the roof. Yes it was as good as into panic and that is maybe why I could not make up my mind which way to flee- back the way I came or through the woodland as I had been trying previously to reach here. And as it became apparent I could not think clearly enough to make up my mind I just went wherever. Wherever turned out to be right down the platform as far as it would go without anywhere else to go and to my horror and disgust I realised I'd have to walk back just to get where I was. Buggery!

Starting out some weeks before this moment was very different. I arrived at the station calmy and took a seat on a bench on an empty platform. I sat for a few minutes soaking it all up and telling myself how well I had done. I took out my camera to capture the seen and post it on my blog. Taking time to get the right compositon. Then I would calmly leave by the route I came. That was how it was going to be in my head.

This was fast turning into blind panic. I was instead in panic, surround by a mass of people, not able to take any photos and not sure which direction I should be heading in. Finally though I escaped. I was down the woodland path, actually the shorter route home which started to sink in half way along it, and up an ascending road home struggling to get a proper breath and shaking. Much fun on reflection. Not so much at the time.

So I did it. Can I do it again? Can I go to the next steps of firstly waiting and then getting on a train? I really don't want to think about it to be honest. The one thing I have learned is that some things are better unplanned and just allowed their own free will and space to occur all by themselves. At least that is how it felt. For one it removes any apprehension which can only exist with planning.

An achievement then. And it is a big achievement because I never in these past few years even up to a week ago thought I would ever be able to get there. But that, thankfully, seems to be happening a lot. I thought the same with the school and now go there regularly. I have thought the same with so many things. I need to top thinking and keep doing and slowly this may all come together. If nothing else I feel for once that I might actually make it.

Exploring

I've been exploring which seems kind of apt given I live in the town who's most famous son is one of the country's mos famous explorers. But where he cut a road through unknown Africa I made a slight paper cut on the route to his home. No lions on my charted path, only the odd ned. In is though my own little adventure pushing out into woodland I have not been through before. Inch by little inch I push a little more.

All journeys, however short, start with a map. Livingstone didn't have a map and he certainly didn't have the excellent google maps that I seem to find myself scanning through more and more looking for little routes to take me further. The fact I am doing this, and excited about it, shows little signs of progress.

Today I found myself pushing down through some woodland. It was quiet apart from the odd dog walker. Not that the dog walker I saw was odd. I was the odd one in truth. Odd by my own thoughts and admission. A lone dog walked was high above me. A long female. When I say walker she was not actually walking. A dog stander doesn't quite sound right though. She must have walked the dog there and then back home but for the duration I was there I guess she stood roughly in the same spot as I never saw her move except to throw something for her pet. Odd thoughts. Paranoid thoughts I should not be having. I felt like a threat. A lone female, a strange acting male and noone around. So this made me paranoid to an extent and unwilling to linger for fear of unsettling her.

Odd, maybe justified though. I go back some time to this area, February 2010. An incident, police and possibly a paranoid lone female dog walker (or stander) unsettled by my presence. Unjustifiably so really. I am no threat to anyone- male, female or any other. I am no threat at all. We live in an age through where we are bombarded by news- nearly all of it bad. Attacks, sex attacks, violent attacks, murders, kidnap and all the rest. We are fuelled to fear by the barrage of alarming news. Many story of lone females being attacked. In instances such as these I think of my wife and ask myself would I be happy if she was down here herself with noone around and a lone male appeared? No, I wouldn't. I am fed the same news too.

Anyway it was actually the presence of this woman that pushed me on. I go down a long road from home to a path. Its actually the route to the train station but instead of going down the woodland path to there I go on under a rail bridge and into a clearing. Only when I am through there do I see if the clearing is inhabited or not. And it was not. Paranoia again. I felt it would look suspect if I just about turned which was my plan. Threatening even because this is one of only two exits. The only exit in truth as the other is a longer way off. The immediate exit. So me suddenly appearing and then disappearing back where I came so quickly might look both suspect and bring a fear that I was hanging around the exit at hand. Or is that just all in my head?

Anyways, I walked on and I walked to where I was sure a path was as the lone female stood about 20 feet away. I didn't look up. As I neared where I thought the path was into the woodland I started to think I had got it wrong because it looked like a cliff edge. I could see beyond but not below. Half right. As I got to the edge there was a path down- almost verticle. I had stood here only once before and that previous time the world was white and it didn't look so steep. Or maybe it was because previously I had gone as far as I could and after a quick glance hurried back home. As reluctant as I was to do so I descended the steps leading down. Going down was not the problem. Getting back up was the worry.

I got down to the bottom and felt a little peace- nowhere near complete. I was still aware of the female above and the anxiety was kicking high can-can style bordering into panic. There was a stone wall to sit on thought, Ahead of me was all woodland with two paths. One was a softer descent from where the female was past where I was and around in a loop ascending high up the other side in front of me through all the trees. The other was straight ahead of me. A tiny footbridge to a similar steep descent of stairs. No way was I going up those.

I stayed a few moments longer remembering the CBT: wait until the anxiety drops by half. Leaving the situation while anxiety is still at a high level only attaches those feeling to that memory and so re-enforces the belief that the situation is anxiety provoking and creates high anticipatory anxiety, apprehension, on a return there. Yes I see the logic. Yes I waited some more. No the anxiety didn't drop. My head in truth was buzzing with thoughts on the physical sensations like breathlessness as well as irrational thoughts on the lone female above who in my head was on her mobile calling the police to report the suspicious character lingering in the woodlands. Beware the lurker. Yes irrational but it was all there in my head and seemed real at the time and my thoughts were then to being in panic and being stopped by police and looking even more suspect in the jittery mess trying to escape. But I sat. And I tried to be mindful. I looked around me: textures, colours, items, etc. Sounds: movement, creatures, passing train, hum of the nearby river. Mindful, not. Still all really in my head. So I took out my camera and took some photos and moved about a little taking more trying to absorb myself in that while allowing the anxiety to exist. When that was done I sat again. Long enough. The anxiety was not subsiding. Thoughts were mainly focused on getting home and every time they came at me the road home seemed longer and longer. Filled with that need again to just get it over with and not wait any longer. So I left.

That was my little adventure over. The climb had me breathless but I still managed to greet the doggy who came my way and say hello to the lone female feeling I could now that I was leaving- at pace. And I ventured home.

A little adventure. For me at least. In comparison to what has gone before in my little banged up little confinement. Many adventures in fact. They are growing. I hope they are leading me somewhere and if not they are at least leading me to hope. And if that were not enough then it is at least an improvement on being at home looking at the world go by. Mindfulness. I think of this again. Connecting with the external world. As opposed to being internal. These years I have been too internal. I need to be out in the world, not locked away from it. Only there can I be mindful. These little adventures of the not so great explorer can at least take me there slowly.

Church

Today I went to church. Not to pray but for a charity day. Well I say I went but it was more I dipped my toe in the water so to speak. But that is something I would not even have contemplated doing a year ago.

It was a charity raising event at the church in the next street and I was determined to at least try going with my wife and kids and their friends. So I went around full of apprehension and this did not ease as I squeezed past people in through the narrow doorway to the entrance where there were more people and a few ladies at a table taking payment to enter- there were raffles and free tea and cake. My wife paid and I was already starting to regret it as I saw a very long and very narrow corridor with people coming and going and the main hall not in sight.

I went. My legs were shaking and I was sweating. In my mind all I could see was escape. The escape plan was being constantly drawn in my mind as I moved past people down the corridor and around a corner finally to enter a big church hall. It was filled with tables, seats, faces and noise- mainly kids. The curiosity I'd had prior to going had been satisfied and now it was time to leave. I'd done it and that was enough.

As I stood there though I was aware of a few things. Firstly the CBT came back to me about graduated exposure and the message that it was pointless doing this if I left straight away with anxiety set on high. The only benefit to be gained was to wait until anxiety dropped at least half. The other thing that came to me was the kids. My wife was frantically trying to sort out cakes and juice and tables for them as well as coffee for herself. So I decided to stay. Stay long enough at least to get them all settled. So I did. I helped get the juices and cakes for them and found them a table to sit at. As much as I would normally grab the opportunity of a cuppa and cake to go with it the anxiety was preventing me.

Finally I sat down next to my oldest daughter and her friend. Just staring into space. Felt totally unconnected to the rest of what was going on around me. The bright lights, the constant movement of people coming and going, the noise bouncing off the walls and the unfamiliarity of it all being out somewhere that was not the living room on a Saturday morning. Try as I might to sit there and accept and let anxiety do it thing until the adrenaline burnt out it just kept flaring. And from the CBT I know this is what it does: there goes another adrenaline rush. The rush and the urge to escape and the acceptance then the rush again over and over again in a constant cycle.

I looked at my phone. 10 minutes. The CBT says don't put a time limit on it. It can take as long as it takes for the anxiety to finally settle. 10 minutes obviously was not enough. I never thought it would be and it wasn't. After 10 minutes though I'd had my fill. I'd done more than I set out to do. Despite the urge to just bolt out the door I didn't. I took my time saying goodbye to everyone- everyone I could find that is- and slowly went and kept going.

Doing something like this has a strange effect. The adrenaline does not stop pumping after escape but keeps going and I find works to your advantage rather than disadvantage. It kept me walking and walking and walking until I had gone the furthest East I had ever gone. And then back home having covered a fair distance.

So a positive. Not the breakthrough I always hope for but something positive at least- something new. I have to understand that it is going to take time. I have been stuck in this home so long that being anywhere else is going to take time to adjust too like someone stuck in solitary for a few years then overwhelmed when released back into the wild. But its a step in the right direction.

And now I feel incredibly fatigued as a result but it was worth it.