Bothwell Castle

A nice little trip out in the car tonight as a family. Its easy to forget for so long this was not an option. For so long I could not even leave my own little town in the car. So much was off limits. Years the kids have not had their father with them. Now things have changed. It may not be for long spells or far afield but at least its something.

My wife drove. She drives. She has a great mind for direction. She never gets lost. So she drove here, there and everywhere. In the end we found ourselves at Bothwell castle. I have been there before and posted about it here. In fact just March of this year I blogged about it and the woodland walk we went beside it. This was no greater a journey than that. That is where its easy to forget just how bad it used to be. The first time was December 2009. No walks that day. I used a school pickup as an excuse but the truth is just getting there was hard enough and I could not have taken many steps away from the car.

Now its different. For the first time we were able to walk around the castle and have a peer in. The kids had a great time climbing the walls and just running around in the open space. It was a nice night. Hopefully one of many to come.

Voting

Today Scotland decides on its future and the people of Scotland have to answer with a yes or a no one question: Should Scotland be an independent country? Even something as momentous as this in my own country would normally be ignored by me. In fact until the last 2 or 3 weeks it have completely passed me by. I had no interest in it. Even something this big held nothing for me.

I am approaching my 43rd birthday and I have never voted. I haven't always been agoraphobic. I just never wished to vote. Politics is not something I have needed in my life. My choice has always been not to vote. My own opinion is that politicians annoy me too much to vote. In my mind politics is not about the truth but about lies and spin. The best spinners and liars make the best politicians- images in my head of Jeremy Paxman asking: a simple yes or no. No one going to the polls on any vote knows completely what they are voting for because there is never a clear picture given. After the vote people then find out they were not acutally getting what they thought if they voted with the party which wins.

For me this referendum is a classic case of this. What are people voting for? How will people's lives be effected if they vote yes or vote no? Its hard to say. On every matter there is a claim from one side and a counter claim from the other. Its all turned into a bit of a pantomime.

I have done a lot of new things this year. Again 3 weeks ago I had no desire to add voting to my list. But it changed. I have to be honest and say it only changed because I wanted to add voting to my list. I wasn't sure what to put down. Maybe a spoiled paper- protest vote. Some message on it with both boxes left unticked. Just to go through the process of voting and tick my own box- or cross it. Once I had made that decision to vote though I was drawn into the arguments for both sides. I watched the debates and read the opinions. The opinions that I was more interested in were those with no vested interest- outside of the UK. But then again I suppose it affects even countries outside of the UK. In Germany for example they were saying a Yes vote could start a financial depression. Catolonia meanwhile was looking on intently like some other places where the independence issue is something people are wanting a vote on.

I don't however want to get into politics as this is not the point of this blog. Besides that as I have hopefully made clear I don't know much about politics and nor do I care to. I was a little unsure about saying here what decision I had come to because there is so much animosity. I have never known anything like it. Friends and families are falling out right, left and centre on Facebook. There is more than heated debate. I've seen a few people even deactivate their Facebook because of debate. On there I have said nothing. I have read some complete and utter rubbish and bit my tongue. Its sad really. Alot of people are saying the same as me that they never had an interest in politics until this referendum but by some of the posts they are voting with their heart rather than head. Or that is to say they cannot make an argument because they have not actually bothered to read about what they are voting for or against.

The trouble with this vote is a problem that exists in Scotland and more so in the West of Scotland where I live. As everyone knows there is a sectarian divide and an allegiance to two big football clubs. Although its not everyone there is a large percentage of people who have alligned themselves to a certain side because of their religious beliefs and/or football team they support. For example my kids go to a Catholic school and the majority of parents there appear to be voting yes. That goes back to an independent Ireland. While at other schools there will be a majority of no votes for opposite reasons- allegiance to the Union. As I say its not everyone but a large majority. I see it on my Facebook and my wife sees it on hers. For me that was not a problem being an ashiest and wouldn't have mattered anyway because I'm not swayed like that.

Anyway as I said I did not want this to be about politics. My wife and I had agreed to go together to vote. Voting is at a primary school and its a difficult one for  me. Despite this I walked up there this morning with my ballot card in my back pocket. As I neared the gates though I started to panic and had to walk past. I then tried again and again had to walk past. Fatigue and panic drove me home. Its an age old problem. I built it up into something bigger than it was. I had to tell my wife what had happened and because of it the chances were I would not be voting today. The reason for the latter is it did not stop there. Panic has been raging all day long leaving me feeling shattered and jittery. For those reasons I chose not to vote.

Around an hour ago though my wife went to vote and because she was taking the car I went with her. Even getting driven up there I was a bag of nerves- visibly shaking. The fears were planted and I could not rid myself of them. What were the fears? It was being trapped. It was the fear that once I stepped through the door I could not leave until I had voted. I worried I would go in and voting would take place at the back of the building. I worried that there would be a big queue inside. I worried that there would be a problem and I would have to stand waiting. I worried about so many things. Then I was standing at a booth with a pencil in my hand and shaking. Mind went blank. What was my answer? Yes or no. What way was I going? What if I got it wrong? Even when I put the cross in the box and even after I left I was still unsure I had put it in the right place.

Its going to be close. In fact I am of the opinion that it should need a majority vote to stick. If its one percent or two or something that small then I think its wrong to be decided when almost half the country have voted against it- whatever it is. I have read both arguments. Both give reasons to vote in favour. If I am honest I don't think either outcome will be bad- possibly. I am though still concerned about spin. I am concerned about the state of Scotland and the UK in the event of lies being uncovered after the event.  It is for this reason I decided on what I would vote for. I feel Scotland will become independent. I think one day England and Wales will too. I am not sure where that would leave Northern Ireland. Already there is a push for devolution in England and its no surprise. Having Scottish MPs voting on English affairs but not the reverse is wrong. I don't though think the time for those things are now which is why I voted no.

The reason I voted that way was because I do not think there is one informed person voting today. Not one. And the reason for that is no one has been given the truth about what will happen regardless of how the vote goes.  More than that though there is another reason. In a worst case scenario on either vote it is only the no vote which can be undone. If the country votes yes and it all goes wrong then there is no reverse.  It is done with no way back. That scares me. Neither side has convincingly answered questions asked of them and that has left people guessing. It needed more debate. It needed answers.

However it goes I will accept it. I do worry though that independence without a guaranteed credit union could not only be disastrous for Scotland but damaging also for the rest of the UK.  There is really too much incertainty for me to vote in favour of independence. I think if I didn't have children I would think differently but I would be gambling on their future. I prefer to stick with the known however problematic that is rather than find out what the unknown is like.

When it all comes down to it though there are no winners in this. There is a lot of animosity among the people of Scotland now towards one and other and there will also have been animosity created between Scotland and the rest of the UK. In that regard I think we have all lost. And it won't stop here. However the vote turns out tomorrow there are going to be a lot of angry people who will not let this go. What lies ahead worries me regardless of the outcome.

Bye Boots

I am not one for change it has to be said. Clothes especially, usually presents from my wife, sit for months on end before I get around to wearing them. I'm the same with footwear. I remember my parents bought me a pair of boots for Christmas one year and it was over a year before I actually put them on. They were good boots but not as good as the pair my wife bought me a couple of years before that. Those stayed and saw off the newer boots in time- outlived them by some margin. When my wife bought me a new pair of boots earlier in the year after her work had a little win on the lottery they again sat in a  box in the cupboard unopened. Nothing could replace my old boots. How old I don't know but certainly older than my children.

All good things come to an end though and its with a heavy heart I have to say goodbye to these old friends. It didn't bother me that the wear and tear had made them uncomfortable on my feet and nor did it bother me that the soles were worn away to a bare tread. Something else meant the end of the old boots.

Over the last week or so my left heel has been hurting when I  put weight on it and it has gotten steadily worse- quickly. On Tuesday something seemed to go as I was walking through a car park and it was very sore after. Despite limping on for another mile I could not walk for the rest of the day and had to put my foot up. And despite attempting more walks after I finally had to give up as the pain was so bad. Its a strange thing. Its not sore to touch. I can press my heel without any pain at all but as soon as I stand and put weight on it I have to take the weight off its so sore.

Many suggestions were made as to what it could be. As I can't go to the doctor I must guess. Tendonitis seemed the most likely but then I found out about something called plantar fasciitis. That ticked every box and seems to be most likely- its commonly known as jogger's heel. Not good but comes down to wear and tear caused by not having the right footwear.

So it was bye bye boots and on with the new boots but that was not enough because the pain remains. I have though ordered a special insole for this condition which is cheap and recieved very promising reviews so I am hoping in time that will help me get back on my feet. Bye bye boots, they were great servants.

Pick up

Yesterday my wife was working and the girls were at an after school club. Someone had to pick up my son. That someone turned out to be me. The first time I have ever picked up any of my kids on their own. I know it doesn't sound like much, people around the globe do it every day, but for me it was monumental. Another small step in the right direction. But I must also say I have not done it since.

But its a start. Another item ticked off the list. What is so hard about walking to the school and bringing my son home? To begin with up until the 4th of June last year I could not get to the school and even then after it was hit and miss. Nowadays its easier but still there are times I cannot do it. This is an important part to note: the inconsistency. I remember talking to a woman from the council who wanted a meeting. I'd agreed thinking it was by phone and pulled out when she said she wanted me to go in for the meeting. When I told her I couldn't go she asked: what has changed? There was a reason that time but even if not then I would still have answered that I change from day to day, minute to minute. There is no way to know how I will get from minute to minute. The reason for this is half anxiety and half fatigue. They both feed each other negatively.

Sometimes I cannot get to the school. Sometimes I get so anxious I just have to head home. Sometimes I feel so fatigued that it makes me so breathless and weak and shaky that I must head back home. So getting to the school is hit and miss. It will remain that way until I am on top of my anxiety. That is what I am aiming for. Years ago a therapist told me the fatigue is caused by the anxiety. I am not so sure. Until I am on top of the anxiety I will never know. This makes me very unreliable and of course it doesn't stop there. Its why I do things better off the cuff. If I have to be some place at some time then I also have the anticipatory anxiety to contend with. The apprehension in other words. According to the therapist the anxiety from this causes the fatigue so I am even less likely to get there.

That is what made picking up my son alone such an achievement for me. Getting there was more difficult that usual because of the apprehension over getting there and the wait. It was really sunny. I kept getting bright spots on the way up there- anxiety opens the pupils more to let in more light. Sweating. Unsteady. Breathless. I got there and luck was on my side. Its a big playground and my son's classroom is right at the end and that is where I expected to wait. That is where I expected to stand rooted to the spot unable to move my legs from tension and just wanting to sit or lie down. Its where I hoped no one would spot me and want to chat. I needed to be alone. I didn't need to feel any more trapped. My son's class was though already coming out and he spotted me straight away so after a word and a point the teacher let him run over to me. The distance at that point didn't matter. Relief was pouring in that I did not have to wait. Sometimes they can be out a few minutes earlier while at other times they can be up to ten minutes late. The latter is where the mind was soaked in dread so the relief was to be free from that.

I made a point of leaving slowly. Its important according to the CBT. In fact it would have been more important to wait a bit longer. Wait for the anxiety levels to drop. Break the association of high anxiety with the situation. As it happened though the relief had all but done that.

We walked slowly through the park. Father and son. Like all the other parents with their kids walking in the same direction. Normality- sort of. A taste of it. Something else to tick off. All these little ticks add up. Someday there will be no more boxes to tick. This is why I need to stop the long spells of looking back with regret. Seeing my kids have grown and there have been no family holidays or days out or other normal things and still stuck in that tiny flat with no garden with no sign of that changing in future. But it can change. There is still time and a way to turn this around and if nothing else at least the last year or so there are signs for the first time that I might be walking along that path now.