Bothwell Castle

A nice little trip out in the car tonight as a family. Its easy to forget for so long this was not an option. For so long I could not even leave my own little town in the car. So much was off limits. Years the kids have not had their father with them. Now things have changed. It may not be for long spells or far afield but at least its something.

My wife drove. She drives. She has a great mind for direction. She never gets lost. So she drove here, there and everywhere. In the end we found ourselves at Bothwell castle. I have been there before and posted about it here. In fact just March of this year I blogged about it and the woodland walk we went beside it. This was no greater a journey than that. That is where its easy to forget just how bad it used to be. The first time was December 2009. No walks that day. I used a school pickup as an excuse but the truth is just getting there was hard enough and I could not have taken many steps away from the car.

Now its different. For the first time we were able to walk around the castle and have a peer in. The kids had a great time climbing the walls and just running around in the open space. It was a nice night. Hopefully one of many to come.

Bye Boots

I am not one for change it has to be said. Clothes especially, usually presents from my wife, sit for months on end before I get around to wearing them. I'm the same with footwear. I remember my parents bought me a pair of boots for Christmas one year and it was over a year before I actually put them on. They were good boots but not as good as the pair my wife bought me a couple of years before that. Those stayed and saw off the newer boots in time- outlived them by some margin. When my wife bought me a new pair of boots earlier in the year after her work had a little win on the lottery they again sat in a  box in the cupboard unopened. Nothing could replace my old boots. How old I don't know but certainly older than my children.

All good things come to an end though and its with a heavy heart I have to say goodbye to these old friends. It didn't bother me that the wear and tear had made them uncomfortable on my feet and nor did it bother me that the soles were worn away to a bare tread. Something else meant the end of the old boots.

Over the last week or so my left heel has been hurting when I  put weight on it and it has gotten steadily worse- quickly. On Tuesday something seemed to go as I was walking through a car park and it was very sore after. Despite limping on for another mile I could not walk for the rest of the day and had to put my foot up. And despite attempting more walks after I finally had to give up as the pain was so bad. Its a strange thing. Its not sore to touch. I can press my heel without any pain at all but as soon as I stand and put weight on it I have to take the weight off its so sore.

Many suggestions were made as to what it could be. As I can't go to the doctor I must guess. Tendonitis seemed the most likely but then I found out about something called plantar fasciitis. That ticked every box and seems to be most likely- its commonly known as jogger's heel. Not good but comes down to wear and tear caused by not having the right footwear.

So it was bye bye boots and on with the new boots but that was not enough because the pain remains. I have though ordered a special insole for this condition which is cheap and recieved very promising reviews so I am hoping in time that will help me get back on my feet. Bye bye boots, they were great servants.

Pick up

Yesterday my wife was working and the girls were at an after school club. Someone had to pick up my son. That someone turned out to be me. The first time I have ever picked up any of my kids on their own. I know it doesn't sound like much, people around the globe do it every day, but for me it was monumental. Another small step in the right direction. But I must also say I have not done it since.

But its a start. Another item ticked off the list. What is so hard about walking to the school and bringing my son home? To begin with up until the 4th of June last year I could not get to the school and even then after it was hit and miss. Nowadays its easier but still there are times I cannot do it. This is an important part to note: the inconsistency. I remember talking to a woman from the council who wanted a meeting. I'd agreed thinking it was by phone and pulled out when she said she wanted me to go in for the meeting. When I told her I couldn't go she asked: what has changed? There was a reason that time but even if not then I would still have answered that I change from day to day, minute to minute. There is no way to know how I will get from minute to minute. The reason for this is half anxiety and half fatigue. They both feed each other negatively.

Sometimes I cannot get to the school. Sometimes I get so anxious I just have to head home. Sometimes I feel so fatigued that it makes me so breathless and weak and shaky that I must head back home. So getting to the school is hit and miss. It will remain that way until I am on top of my anxiety. That is what I am aiming for. Years ago a therapist told me the fatigue is caused by the anxiety. I am not so sure. Until I am on top of the anxiety I will never know. This makes me very unreliable and of course it doesn't stop there. Its why I do things better off the cuff. If I have to be some place at some time then I also have the anticipatory anxiety to contend with. The apprehension in other words. According to the therapist the anxiety from this causes the fatigue so I am even less likely to get there.

That is what made picking up my son alone such an achievement for me. Getting there was more difficult that usual because of the apprehension over getting there and the wait. It was really sunny. I kept getting bright spots on the way up there- anxiety opens the pupils more to let in more light. Sweating. Unsteady. Breathless. I got there and luck was on my side. Its a big playground and my son's classroom is right at the end and that is where I expected to wait. That is where I expected to stand rooted to the spot unable to move my legs from tension and just wanting to sit or lie down. Its where I hoped no one would spot me and want to chat. I needed to be alone. I didn't need to feel any more trapped. My son's class was though already coming out and he spotted me straight away so after a word and a point the teacher let him run over to me. The distance at that point didn't matter. Relief was pouring in that I did not have to wait. Sometimes they can be out a few minutes earlier while at other times they can be up to ten minutes late. The latter is where the mind was soaked in dread so the relief was to be free from that.

I made a point of leaving slowly. Its important according to the CBT. In fact it would have been more important to wait a bit longer. Wait for the anxiety levels to drop. Break the association of high anxiety with the situation. As it happened though the relief had all but done that.

We walked slowly through the park. Father and son. Like all the other parents with their kids walking in the same direction. Normality- sort of. A taste of it. Something else to tick off. All these little ticks add up. Someday there will be no more boxes to tick. This is why I need to stop the long spells of looking back with regret. Seeing my kids have grown and there have been no family holidays or days out or other normal things and still stuck in that tiny flat with no garden with no sign of that changing in future. But it can change. There is still time and a way to turn this around and if nothing else at least the last year or so there are signs for the first time that I might be walking along that path now.