Alone in the holidays

Alone for most of this week which has been trying but the worst was the first 48 hours. Back doing my walks again with a vengence- by my own poor standards. Very close to a mile on one walk. Only once in the past 5 years have I managed more than that. Not straying far though but still something. But I am paying for it. Too much too soon. Feel blackness running through me from depleted resources. Small steps required, not large bounds into a brick wall. It never works. It feels good at the time but for days at least after everything is too hard. A bit like someone coming out of a coma and trying to go for a long walk. Too out of condition to go striding off into the distance however much I would like to.

In my state its difficult to keep the sensible head on. Not just with walking but with anxiety too. There is an inner eagerness not just to get better but get better as quick as possible. Its seeing the top of the mountain and trying to sprint up the cliff face. All you do is keep falling back again. Much better to take the time to do it right and monitor progress all the way. But its hard to curb that enthusiam. So keen to get better its difficult not to start running towards it when a chink of hope appears.

Pushing doesn't work. Without doubt my biggest problem in trying to overcome agoraphobia is impatience. I got down to a path I've not been on for a while- not since being stopped by the police one day. Yet in a previous time not too long ago I got down it to a bridge you can just about see in the image above and under the bridge to a clearing where I could hear the water and then one day I got down to the water itself sliding down to the embankment through a thick forest of trees. It felt fantastic to be down there and finally make. That was until I turned around and could see nothing but trees and knowing the path was somewhere up there. That was when I ran in blind panic home- well not ran really. Hyperventilated with my heart banging in my ear at as fast a walking pace as I could muster.

No image to match that so a manufactured image. I was looking through a photography magazines and the oldest browsed along with me. She likes to see if there are any effects we can try out. So she was over the moon at creating a floating person effect- two separate photos blended. Not patient enough to wait until later in the week I was made to do it there in then so me, my daughter, a camera, a stool and a balloon went to work while the other two kids watched TV oblivious. It was a rush job though. I could have spent more time on but I didn't really have a lot of time so there you are. Although the younger girl is more locked into fantasy its the oldest who takes a real interest in creating fantasy photos. Her favourite of all time was one I did last year of her holding a bird. This one will do for now.

The kids have been away on holiday so it was good to see them again when they came back- though I was without a camera for all this time so apologise for the images in advance as it could not be helped. I didn't take the photo for the sake of it though. To my shame I was so locked in on myself that I forgot my mum's birthday- her 60th as well. Well not totally. We did go halves with my sister to pay for a show and a meal but I was supposed to send a card while my family were away and it went right out my mind. So when the family came back yesterday, the day after mum's birthday, and my wife asked if I had sent the card I quickly assembled the kids for a photo and got it put on a card through Moonpig which will arrive about 3 or 4 days too late but what can I do?

The road

Mostly reading this week. Now paperless thanks to the Kindle though the bookshelf and loft are not as yet. The only time I pickup something in paper form now is a magazine or self help book- way too many of those. This week the highlight has been "The Road" by Cormac McCarthy. It was made into a film but thankfully I haven't seen it yet and much prefer to read the book first. Lovely sad story as so many of his books are.

Weather a bit milder. Not as much of a chance to sit out but plenty of chances to get out otherwise so doing that while I can. Anxiety still quite low but as always a constant companions. Not many flare ups though. Just more long school holidays dragging by. Its not just indoors I have been reading but out too. As I said there have been some opportunties to get out. Kids enjoying it nearly as much as I am.

Lastly for want of anything else to post here is "Wee Jimmy". My wife took the kids to the garage to pick up the car. They are going on holiday. They came back with this little critter- a gremlin named "Wee Jimmy"- and a tall tale of said Gremlin only moving when no-one was looking. I love stuff like that, this one told by the garage owner- big Jimmy (who is about 6 inches smaller than me). The kids totally bought into it. So we have Wee Jimmy for good now all locked up in his jar. I know how he feels.

Middle child

This week has been all about the middle child. Or should I say I have very little to say about myself except what I said last week. No change, all OK at the moment. But itts been her big week. With the school holidays in full swing though its been a long week of long days and were it not for being able to get out I would be crawling the walls- no lie. As much as I love my kids they are hard going. Not a minute seems to pass when they are not crying, arguing, fighting, shouting, grassing on one another or anything else to spark my increasingly short fuse. Yet for everyone else you would think butter wouldn't melt, angelic at times even.



It was her sixth birthday and as always she was spoiled by her family and relatives. If her older sister ever finds out about this blog she will not be happy as her birthday was last month and she will be angry that she never got the focal point. That alone would cause a fight. Maybe even bigger than who's turn it is to sit in the front of the car, open the door, get in the bath first, get out the bath last, etc.

Birthdays are hard for me. I have a hard time with visitors. Could be a social thing but I don't think so as the anxiety starts regardless of whether I love or loathe or am indifferent to the visitors. It just happens. Its a loop, never ending. So having so many people come and go had the panic levels at full tilt. A time I should be enjoying but that is the way it works. Then again maybe its the flat. With five of us plus visitors it can get quite claustrophobic. So much noise and frenzied running about and conversations loud to compensate and no elbow room or breathing space.



Lastly here she is with her cousins. Her pride and joy present was this sparkly dress. She played the part. My kids are never shy when it comes to being the centre of attention. They lap it up. Wish I could say the same for myself.

Getting out

Its all been about the good weather. What a difference it makes to my mood and thus my anxiety- in a positive way. Just being able to sit outside for seven hours makes the mind much more calm. Maybe even the rays of the sun play their part given the lack of them in this part of the world and so much less for the agoraphobic found mostly indoors. Also I think there is less ruminating outside as the tendancy for me is to externalise more and interact with the world around which I don't do indoors where it is mainly introspection.

Having my little compact camera in my pocket helps with that process by looking for opportunities to capture something or even just watching the world go by. One of the things I have noticed since taking an interest in photography is I observe a lot more when I am outside. Much more mindful even. A good thing.

Its not much of a garden, if a garden at all, we have but better than nothing. Sure its small and its exposed but at least its somewhere to go outside when the weather is this good. Some people don't even have that. But being so exposed is something I don't like. I grew up with bigger gardens and fences. Here there is a busy church across the road with a school club so people are in and out all the time right on top of us. And it seems to be a main thoroughfare around here with lots of people walking by on a good day.

I sometimes wonder if I would be better in a warmer climate rather than the mostly dark and cold of Scotland. But then again I wonder too much, that is my problem. At least for now I am wondering a lot less during the day and just soaking up the sun.

My wife bought the kids cheap waterpistols from the local supermarket which proved to be a hit- even with the adults. Wasn't long before other kids were creeping up and joining in. I got soaked. We all got soaked. It was good fun though. My only concerns were for my camera, my phone and my kindle- when I had it out. The downside being the kids it brought. Curious to see what was going on. Wanting to join in. One kid left to wonder, too young. Some pushy kids, some kids too forward. None abusive though. I guess boredom brought them our way but that is where I miss the fence.

Lastly the kids were at a party and got their face painted. Here the boy is made up to be some sort of villain. The girls had butterflies. I didn't have anything of course but the smile was a change from the usual frown.