So here it is
June 2002
My fiance and I go to Prague by bus. 2 days of bus with the ferry at Dover over to Calais and an overnight in Germany.
December 2002
New Year in Koln. Bus to Hull, ferry to Rotterdam and bus to Koln.
February 2003
Married in Perth, 60 miles away. All went well but we have no honeymoon as my wife is pregnant. Still normal
April 2003
A night out in Perth with old workmates. The last of my own social night outs which I was unaware of at the time. Still feeling fine though I have a very bad infection on the outer ear.
May 2003
Get a virus which effects my balance and makes me very weak. This afflication persists for at least the next year and probably beyond where eventualy it is buried beneath the onset of panic. Could this be the catalyst? The doctor refuses any link between the outer ear infection and gives me pills for my balance that don't work.
June 2003
Daughter born. A long birth an although still feeling ill managed to get through it. Spend most of the time sitting in a seat beside my wife as standing for any length of time gets me dizzy. I visit every day thereafter till mother and child come out spending long hours there.
September 2003
Daughter christened and I feel my first bit of anxiety. In the church I am in front of alot of people and get the urge to flee. I can't as it would be too embarassing so stick with it. In the video footage I can see the worry in my face. It didn't worry me though as this was a feeling I'd experienced before when at college and having to give a presentation in front of people.
October 2003
A bout of flu which floored me for 4 weeks. The first time I have ever needed a doctor's line and was off work for the full month. Lose over a stone in weight as a result. In the months that follow people constantly remark on my weight loss as my face is where it shoes and this gets me paranoid.
March 2004
I'm feeling anxiety though I think I am just agitated. My wife's gran died and we are at the funeral. I feel trapped. The church has a soundproof area so I retire there with my crying daughter which calms me as I am away from the throng.
May 2004
I have been neglecting visitng my gran who stays only 20 minutes away as I feel so bad all the time. She was diagnosed with lung cancer the year before and has now been rushed into hospital. My wife and I go through to the hospital. We know it is the end and while she is lucid I kiss her goodbye. I get a call early next morning to say she has passed away.
The funeral is a nightmare. My nerves can't take it and when before it I am offered a bottle of beer I take it- then another couple. The cremation is a pure cattle market. Rushed in and rushed back out- I am not even allowed a few minutes to pay respect to my grandfather. As the crematorium is in a busy place in Edinburgh I don't go there- that was the last time.
June 2004
We take my daughter to Deep Sea World for her first birthday. A bit of a trip for us but it proves not to be too bad.
March 2005
I have my first panic attack. I need to attend a meeting at work and I am packed into a room of about 20 people with no seats. There is no air, it is hot and we are all bunched together. I just can't take it and have to get out. The panic subsides when I leave but I have alot of explaining to do.
Apr 2005
Wife's friend has a still birth. The cremation is 60 miles away. I'm a little anxious going in to the crematorium anf then hit with panic when they close the doors shut. I maange to get through it though but cannot wait to get outside after the doors open again.
May 2005
My manager comes up from Newcastle to discuss the situation. It's hard as we are locked in the same room as I had the panic attack in. I am offered another job 15 miles away in Edniburgh, extra travel, doing a job I don't even do, IT, or to take redundancy. I take the latter.
June 2005
Made redundant from work. Pretty happy about it as I was underworked and the days were long. With travelling to and from work the day lasted between 9.5-10 hours on a good day. As well as that I had a half hour journey in the morning to drop off my daugher at the child minder. It looks like a good time to take stock.
We take our daughter to a Safari Park. There is a little anxiety but nothing to worry about. Then a strange thing. There is a tire swing I sit on and sit my daughter on me knee. I swing a couple of times and get completely disorieatated. It is scarey but no one notices and after a few minutes the sensations are gone but my legs feel a little week.
July 2005
Second child born, another little girl. A very quick birth taking less than an hour and I am glad because I am so anxious. All in all though things take about 3 hours before I can go to ASDA to develop the photos and pick up my daughter from the neighbours. I later take my daughter to the hospital to see her new sister and have to carry her about a mile from the car in the baking sun and up the stairs to the ward as she has fallen asleep. While my wife is in hospital we cope fine.
October 2005
I have a hard time in the flat. Starting a web design course I have the salesman visit and really struggle with bad panic. As he talks I can't hear him and just want him gone. I feel trapped. The side of my face has a tic which is out of control. I get through it and it eases after about 15 minutes.
November 2005
The first and only family holiday to date. We go about 30 miles to Loch Lomond for a week staying in a log cabin and have a good holiday. I am feeling very anxious throughout though.
February 2006
Things are getting progressively worse. It's our 3rd anniversary and we are in for a treat. We are in a travel inn just outside of Perth alone as the grandparents are watching the kids. We have a meal booked for later that night. As it approaches I feel more and more ill. I have no idea about anxiety but that is what it probably is. Around half an hour before we are due to go out I feel very ill and have to call off the meal. My wife is raging and I am left feeling guilty- and still ill.
March 2006
My sister-in-law has a 40th birthday bash up in Perth. I go and feel great. All the illness seems to be behind me. Anxiety though is bubbling in the background.
April 2006
My second daughter is christened. Given what happened at the first I insist on a low key affair so it is just me, my wife, my daughter and two sister-in-laws (godparents)- oh and a priest. It's done in an otherwise empty church but I still am very anxious. When it's over I feel a renewed strength and go out to meet my brother-in-law at the put for a few drinks.
June 2006
For my eldest daughter's third birthday we go to a big park for the day and although it's only ten minutes drive away I am struggling. I get through the day but am constantly filled with anxiety. I just can't wait to get home.
Also in this month my wife and sister-in-law had an all day wedding invite about 10 minutes from home. By now my wife was becoming aware something was wrong and when I bowed out at the last minute she was not happy. I stayed at home while she had the humiliation of sitting among other couples on her own.
July 2006
It's two years since I was last out of Scotland and this was to attend my niece's christening in Manchester. We were down there for a couple of days and I coped remarkably well. The doctor had given me some pills to calm me but I never took them. The drive down was not great and at one point in a traffic jam I thought I was going to have a panic attack but we moved in time. I should have taken great confidence from that trip but I didn't.
August 2006
Shortly after I had my last trip to Perth and since have not been out of the town I live. For two weeks we house sat my wife's parents house. As we live in a flat it was good to have a garden for 2 weeks and the kids loved it. One day I walked the 10 minutes to the pub to watch a football game and eventually left with anxiety before the match started. I had a couple of beers but it didn't help and when someone sat beside me and wanted to talk it just made me want to leave. My last time also in a pub.
November 2006
Over the past 4 months a gradual decline had gathered speed. It was inevitable that something big was going to happen but I never seen it coming. My wife needed an operation on her wrist and I dropped her off at the hospital 30 minutes away. Then I had the biggest almighty panic attack as I left the hospital car park.
I've had nothing like it since and it really scared me senseless. I stopped the car, got out, had a walk but the panic just kept getting worse and worse. I was shaking all over and felt I was losing my mind. It was then that I found was despair really meant. Somehow I got the car home but I was physically sick along the way and had a few close misses due to not having the strength to turn the wheel- or being to tensed up to.
Within a week of that incident I could no longer drive the car for the high anxiety so my wife with her sore wrist had to drive my daughter to nursery and back. I would not get in the car again for over a year.
December 2006
My wife couldn't take it any more. I was now housebound so she pleaded with the GP to pay me a visit. He was reluctant but did come out. After listening to my story he arranged for me to see a psychiatric nurse and told me in no uncertain terms that if I needed to see him again I'd have to make the effort and go to the medical centre.
January 2007
I didn't think things could get worse but they did. By now I was completely housbound and reluctant to even go out the door. That way I was safe and the panic couldn't get me. I was wrong. Twice when my parents visited us I had a severe panic attack and ended up sleeping in my bed from exhaustion. This was the start of social anxiety. It was the start of lies and keeping people at bay.
March 2007
My "fasttrack" had taken 4 months and finally the psychiatric nurse visited. Over the next few months I'd be given relaxation CDs, visualisation CDs, questionnaires about depression, ideas for sorting out my finances but no answers to my anxiety. My doctor had given me a week's worth of diazapam to help with the initial visits but once they were gone I was allowed no more. To be fair the nurse put a plan together for walking and I did get out a little more but not far.
June 2007
So I was still agrophobic, suffering from panic attacks, had general anxiety and also social anxiety added to that. Now I had something else to contend with which was an extension to the general anxiety. While my wife was at work my anxiety rocketed at I looked after our daughter. It did develop into a panic attack one day but only the once. And when my wife took the kids away somewhere, usually up to Perth, I was again in a hieghtened state of anxiety.
So when this month they all decided to go to Disneyland in Paris for the week I was struggling. What could I do? For my own sanity could I deprive the kids this chance? No I couldn't so I suffered it and it was very hard. They left from Manchester and at the last minute I was told that they would go there the day before and stay there a day when they came back which added another two days on. Really it was getting towards depressing that I could find no sanctuary anywhere.
July 2007
After a 3 week holiday the Psychiatric nurse turns up and it's a routine that has become the norm. She comes in, looks at my recent questionnaire, accepts a coffee and asks how I am doing to the usual response. Then she spends the next hour wasting the finaly part of her day before going home telling us all about her weekend and such like while I pace the floor just wishing she would go.
I get my wish. She has taken me as far as she can- which is around the corner and not much else. Now it is up to me. She won't be back and I am left in limbo.
January 2008
My wife taken into hospital for 5 weeks and it ends with the birth of our son prematurely. I don't see him till he is 3 weeks old when he is finally brought home. During this period though I was forced into action. I went shopping, took my daughter to nursery and done lots of other normal things. I was driving again. It was the most difficult time of my entire life yet at the same time the most liberating and empowering with my limited progress. Although the hospital is about 15 minutes away I could not go but in other areas I was doing well. I just could not believe how far I had come in such a short space of time. Lots of praise came my way which scared me because they all thought that was me sorted despite me warning them I was not.
March 2008
I am reverted completely back into my shell. Two incidents which caused panic in the car set me back so far that I could no longer get back in after a gradual decline. Again I am stuck in the house. One time I drove my daughter to nursery to find all the car spaces were taken so I had nowhere to park. I decided to just drive home as panic set in but some car blocked me getting out and I was stuck. the second time I was blocked on the road my an unmarked police car as they got out and chased someone down the street.
June 2008
My wife is getting really depressed and the health visitor sets up a meeting with the doctor. It's all getting on top of her because of me so the doctor "fasttracks" me to the clinical psychologist. This puts her mind at ease. By the start of August I am still waiting for my first appointment.
