Two PAs in one day

Well after suffering from anxiety and panic attacks for over 3 years yesterday was a first. One panic attack before noon and a second later at night. The first was stress related due to one screaming baby, two screaming fighting kids and in a small flat with intense heat, more than a little cabin fever. The second came from really bad back pain that I suffer from time to time. This doesn't usually lead to panic but I think after the attack earlier in the day my general anxiety level was still very high. Even today it has not gone down much if any.

So not the best of times. There are many reasons I think for it. The walking obviously has to be a factor but there are other stupid things too. Last week I tried a bit of running on the spot on a whim and also tried some pressups and situps. I'm in nowhere near the condition to do these things but at the time didn't see how silly it was. I won't be doing that for a while.

My breathing today doesn't feel as good but that is only when I am drawn to it. I'm trying to take my thoughts elsewhere so I don't keep lingering on it. My neck is a little sore as is my back still and this is making my jaw muscles a little quivery. When I get a minute later I will have to sit down and look at these symptoms so that I can allow my mind to know they are just symptoms of excess and nothing to worry about.

At the moment my wife is away out to pick up my daughter at the nursery, old nursery on the map as this is her last week. She's walking there with my other daughter and the baby. It's a bit of a hike and on the way back she's going to the bank and the supermarket. When she is ready she'll phone and I'll walk to the bank to meet them. That will be my 5 minute walk for the day. To be honest I'm hoping by the time she calls I'm feeling less anxious or that the walk there loosens me up a little. My arms feel very tense like the nerve ends in them are taut and my mouth is constantly agape.

Hopefully one day this will all be a bad memory and I'll be myself again. I've got better than this before so must cling to that fact. It won't always be like this.

No end to the madness

Anxiety I now understand but it doesn't make it any easier. The panic too I understand but the same, not easy. Life will never be the same again. People keep telling me it will and one day I will be normal again but I won't. I cannot see how. You cannot linger in this dark place for a long time and ever be the same again- even if you ever get out. Forever I have believed them more in hope than expectation but I'm too tired now to listen. Too tired yet far too awake. I hate every living second of consciousness. From the first realisation in the morning that another day of battles lies ahead to another endless night.

I am alive but not living. I exist, no more than that. If karma exists then I would dread to think what I have done to deserve this endless torture. I can't even remember when it all started, possibly 3 years ago or more. It's been a slow decline that has quickly gathered momentum and every time I get a punch in the return is twice as hard to floor me again. And I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of this restless existence.

Each day is something new. And each thing is worse than the last. I'm not afraid of dying so those thoughts can't haunt me. There are worse things for me. Having to leave this prison for example would be worse. Being awake and not being here would be so frightening that my mind would shatter completely. With that comes all the concerns that make my state worse. Toothache lingers. Health fears keep cropping up. With little exercise I am helping the process but cannot do otherwise. It's a cruel tormentor this anxiety that I cannot find a second's solace from.

Distractions help and this is what this blog is to an extent. For sure emptying your head is a must less it keep swirling in your confusion. I have plans and I have fears. I know I am not alone in this. Sometimes by writing, or typing, it helps to rationalise a fear and put an end to it. I hope to do that here as well as telling my tale.

This is not my life. I have no life. This is my existence, the restless existence. Maybe one day they will all be proved right and I will get a life back. That is all I want. Some may want fame, fortune or whatever. I just want normality. The chance to be the person I once was. The man who could go for a walk, a drive, could work, could go to the pub or a restaurant. I want normality but every waking second it seems to slip further away.

What I have learned is that I must do it on my own. God knows I've asked enough times and if they'd listened at the start I might not be in this mess but they didn't. And still they won't help so I must do it alone. On my own I must find the answers if there are any to find.

Exercise for me is difficult. For the past 3 years since losing my job I have virtually spent it all on a couch in a small flat. Not good for the body. It's two years since I was out of this country and about 18 months since I was out of this little town I frequent. Now I must start again.

I have lots to tackle but must take one at a time. 2 days ago I have started walks again. 4 so far in these 3 days at only just over 0.4km. Not much I know but it's a start. If I can increase these and do them more frequently then at the very least I won't have to worry so much about my physical condition.