Cooper

Cooper was a beautiful dog and more so as a pup but daft as a brush with a string of baggage which would only come to pass later. Why was he called so? I don't know. He wasn't my dog and I never asked. I doubt it was after magician/comedian Tommy and did hope he was named after Twin Peaks' famous Joe loving agent but I suspect his name came from a former Scottish footballer. It doesn't matter. Its not important.

Cooper was possibly the beginning of the tale which continued to now and us having our own dog. A young neighbour got him as a pup but as there was no one to keep him company during the day I was only too happy to help so most days I'd take him down the park. It was fine in the beginning but as time passed things were not quite right. I tried to train him but he would not even make eye contact. As soon as I took him out the door he pulled until he got to the park. And I do mean pull. I had to keep stopping and resting with him because he pulled so hard the whites of his eyes got red and his breathing got laboured. Not enjoyable for either of us. A real shame. It all ended one day when we got a call that he had bit his young owner badly enough for her to have to go to A&E and that was that.

It was not the end though, far from it. My wife started volunteering our services as she tried and failed to get a dog of her own. There was Isla, a very nervous collie, who we just had for a week as a one off. A few times though we had either Fergie the Jack Russell or Harvey who was a mix. All great fogs. That is what led us to getting our own but it's not turned out the dream move we planned so far.

There was another animal and this troubles me. I am told we also looked after a cat named Michael for a week but I have not one jot of recollection of this. That in itself bothers me but its compounded by two other facts. I keep a diary on almost a daily basis but the month this happened I have nothing written at all. Secondly I have photos of the dogs but not one of a cat. How could this be? I have my suspicion which I will get to at some point. All I will say for now is that this happened at my worst period when everything started to collapse around about me again. As bad as that was it may actually have alerted me to tbe glaring source of my panic and anxiety which I will get to as well in time.

032 Hairdo

"Hairdo"

It When lockedown started to ease some were chomping at the bit to get to where they had been forbidden to go. For some that was the airport on a jet plane out of here and for others it was a pub or a restaurant or to queue for years for a processed floppy cheeseburger. People had many venues to get to. One other such stop was the hairdressers. In the early days of lockdown there were some fantastic bed heads, mullets and other hair related monstrosities. On TV the likes of Ian Hyslop and Alexander Armstrong sporting some crackers. It was a good advertisement for the unsung work of the makeup departments for these celebs having to broadcast from home.

No such problem for me as I have not been in a barbers for at least 15 years. My wife got clippers years ago and shaves my head every so often- not as often as she'd like. A few times I've actually done it myself as it's not that difficult but I get a row for the state of the hairline which my wife inevitably insists on tidying up- I can't see it so I'd as soon just leave it.

It has brought about the debate in the media as to whether barbers in particular may lose out as a result. A lot of people have found through lockdown that they can save themselves some money by cutting their own hair. It will be interesting to see how it pans out. On one hand if I was able to go to the barber tomorrow I wouldn't because I have no need to. On the other hand the boy has had his hair cut numerous times by my wife but she still prefers taking him to get it done professionally. She also cuts her dad's hair too. Let us hope if there is an impact on business it's not enough to stop anyone returning to making their living his they chose to do so.

The quiet

 

It has really quiet today, eerily so. It reminded me of the early days of lockdown. I'm not sure why it was so quiet. I walked my wife and son to the chemist with the dog. There is a primary school opposite a secondary school which are both still closed of course. The medical centre beside was also closed which I didn't actually know about. I'm guessing GP appointments are done over the phone at the moment. The chemist was shut too. That was a surprise because it wasn't meant to be. I think it's so quiet they shut up shop early. I looked up and down the street and there was not a soul apart from us. Or maybe the streets are so quiet because nothing is open. Its a little unsettling. It is like the place has been evacuated but noone told us.

Is this the new normal? If it is then its very surreal and will take some getting used to. I just wonder how much the world around us is going to change. If there is any sort of benefit I am hoping that more jobs from home become available and interviews done via video calls. It would be great to feed my desire to work which is stunted by this agoraphobia. And that is something I am having real difficulty with again. The chemist is about half a mile away and as well as being in two minds prior as to doing it I did get uncomfortable when I got there. Small steps though. The quiet did help so for me at least maybe the new normal might be a slight improvement.

Although I have been going out throughout lockdown I have not been into the heart of the town except at night in the dark. Usually the dog walks are down to the woods or away from town so as not to encounter people. That is why today's visit into nothingness was a little bit of a shock. There should be people and there should be noise. That was it- the noise of traffic. There was a hush. A gentle unsettling quiet. I just wonder how long this will last. 

030 Forgetful

"Forgetful"

One job! Somehow I managed to forget to post today despite it being the only thing I needed to do. I blame the current state of affairs. Lockdown disoriented us all trying to guess what day it was. Days bleed into days into weeks into months. A strange time for all.

I find myself more and more getting frustrated with my memory. I'll open up Google and stare blankly trying to remember what it was I was so desperate to search. I'll open the fridge door and look in wondering why. I'll walk into a room and try to claw at any fabric of reason for doing so. I'm not alone as my wife is the same. Symptomatic of the times.

The thing is the worst of times in that regard are also the best of times. Never gave our actions, and to some extent our thoughts, been so easy to recall given our little handheld are recording everything. I can go into "Google Maps" and track where I have physically been. I can check my browser history to see what I have been searching- thinking. I still dont know whether I should be in awe or scared of that. A bit of both I suppose. Maybe never truly forgetful really.

029 Rain

"Rain"

The summer so far here has been a washout and today in particular was a very wet one. It has been miserable chucking it down all day long. Hard to believe in a few days time July will be in the past and a few weeks later the kids will be going back to school. That will be weird.

School will be weird for everyone. My oldest girl left high school last year. The boy starts high school this year. After so many years it will be strange to never venture near the primary again. That though is nothing compared to how it will be for the kids. No one knows what a school day will look like when they return. No one knows if it will even last. Some strange times ahead.

And with lockdown gradually coming to an end it would have been nice for the kids to have some proper summer days behind them but looks unlikely. I heard someone talking on the radio about the same age as me reminiscing about long hot summers. That is how I remember them but I wonder now if its selective memory. The long distant past always appears a better place than the present for most.

028 Bridge

"Bridge"

This photo was taken on Sunday 27th May 2018. For me it's a significant picture because it marked the start of the downward turn in my life. It wasn't sudden like when it all started- back then I went from non agoraphobic to house bound on one moment. I never so this one coming but at least when I realised what was happening I caught it early enough to ensure I did not let it overwhelm me but it was enough to start the gradual slide.

In the years of managing to go back up to my in laws again we would sometimes use it as a base to go to other places. One of those was Dundee. My wife, her dad and my boy would sometimes go to the football and I would wander about with my camera. My main focus was the Tay rail bridge but there was plenty more to capture like the Law, RSS Discovery and the recently built V&A building- unfortunately it opened when I could no longer go there. One thing I really wanted to do was walk the Tay road bridge. My wife and I had talked about it a few times so one day, this day, we set out or do it.

It was a beautiful day. There was no apprehension whatsoever. I was really looking forward to it even though I had no idea what to expect. My first surprise was that the foot path was not on the outside as I expected. It is in fact in the middle of the bridge between the North and South bound lanes. Next surprise was how loud it was which I really should have expected. It started of with the speed of engines but as we walked further we were further out from land and it was the wind that started to shout louder. Nothing to worry about. This was a beautiful summer day. What must it be like on a stormy day?

It should not have been a problem but it was. For the first time in a while I started to feel agoraphobic as the strong urge to turn back deafened me more than the cars and wind. At the same time I did not want to admit it to my wife. I did not want to spoil it for her. But I did. I tried. I kept going but my breathing started to get more shallow and my balance started to feel off. I was about four fifths across when I finally had to give up. It just got the better of me and I knew pushing further would cause me bigger and more long term problems. So I turned back and my wife did too disappointed. I walked a bit ahead of my wife because it was not calming. In fact the anxiety was esculating into panic as I walked quicker and quicker to get off the bridge. Breathless, dizzy and fleeing. Everything was too bright, too noisy, moving too fast and agitating the life out of me.

In time I was off the bridge. My wife went back to the car and I had a wander taking photos from below and the side. And when the anxiety levels levelled I was left with guilt over spoiling yet another day out. I worried why it had happened. I questioned whether it was the start of a decline. It was. When we drove home from the in-laws it was the last time I would do it. Hopefully though one day I'll be able to correct that.

027 Alone one more

"Alone once more"

My wife has taken the kids up north again to see her dad leaving me and the dog behind. Well actually we have some audible company in the shape of the alarm from that bloody church hall across the road which even with the radio on and windows closed nearing midnight can still be heard enough to irritate. That is unusual for me. I usually let sounds exist in the background until my wife points out they are there and irritating and from there I cannot ignore it. I cant find a contact number. There is an email to which my wife sent a scathing message the last time it went off with no reply or apology.

It's an irony that I am stuck here with this irritating sound while my family are up north, in Perth to be exact. I love it there. For the few years I lived and worked there I was at my happiest. I reluctantly gave up my flat there to come down to the central belt and live in the central belt. My one regret is that I did not dig in my heels and stay there. I would have preferred to bring up the kids there. I would, I feel, be less agoraphobic there. Instead I can't go there and instead I am stuck here. For now at least. Something to aspire to. Time though is running out in that regard which I will post about soon. Our base may not be there for long and so like a few other places when there is no reason to go to a place you tend not to go there.

026 Dark

"Dark"

I do like walking in the dark, more so when it rains like tonight. Its too warm, at eighteen degrees nearing midnight, to where a coat so a good temperature to have a stroll. Not a soul in sight so the dog is calm making the walk all the more enjoyable. It is definitely my favourite time which in no small way down down to be surrounded by busy roads. During the day these are too noisy and with the brightness it's agitating. At night the roads ard silent. There is peace.

When I first set out over a decade ago to overcome my agoraphobia it was by night that I started. And it was for those reasons. Anxiety levels in general are lower at night so it makes sense. It's easier then to push boundaries as it takes more for anxiety levels to reach panic thresholds. And over time this brings a confidence which can be taken into the day. That is the plan. Many dog walks at night and gradual longer waljs by day light in time.

025 Lidl

"Lidl"

I've been For a change we, and because we only needed a few things, we went to a different shop. I'm still not going anywhere in the car but this is thankfully walkable. The trouble is it's right at the edge of my agoraphobic perimeter at the moment which means it was hard enough getting there but doubly so to go in. I haven't been in there in a long time. Certainly not since lockdown. That made it all the harder.

The truth is going in was not the plan. If it has been then I probably would not have gone. My wife had some things to get and wanted a break from driving so asked if I'd walk her with the dog. That is what I did. When we got there though I realised I had nothing for dinner and had no idea what to ask my wife to get while I waited outside with the dogs as I had no idea what they currently stocked. My wife suggested I go I. First, find dinner and then come out and tell her. That is what I reluctantly did. I was panicky and that continued to grow. My breathing issues were compounded by the face mask I felt was suffocating me. I started to fear there was no quick exit. I just wanted in and out as quickly as possible. I tried to look at food but all I could see was the distance between where I was and home. I couldn't take in anything. Finally though I did find something and panic eased. It's going to take time but I have to be honest and say although I have to go through all this again I really am not looking forward to it. I'm also bitterly angry at the reason I am back here but that is for another day.

The fact I could sit outside for 20 minutes with the dog while my wife shopped is an indication of how much I did calm. Like evetone coming out of lockdown we are all finding things a little strange. Small steps. And sitting outside at least my mind was occupied with pacifying the dog who was going for everyone who came close. Worst of these was a woman who approached from behind me and gave the dog such a fright he nearly broke from my grip. It's hard to get angry as the woman gave him a chewstick which did subdue him and as she had one on her person she was obviously used to dogs. I just wish people would ask first. I'm worried that a fright like that which I don't see coming might result in him biting someone out of fear. On that score as the owner I have to be more aware too. After that, which was the last of 3 incidents, I stood up and walked him around the corner where he could wait in peace.

024 Water

"Water"

I've been trying for a long time to cut down on the number of cuppas I drink each day which is a bit too much. Even when I was working I drank far too much helped by being equipped with a vending card which gave free drinks. Even if it cost I doubt it would have slowed me down as I constantly had a dry mouth. My tea gulping 15 years on has not slowed down.

Recently I've started drinking flavoured water to reduce my caffeine intake. This is something I would have scoffed at years ago. I mean you get free water out the tap so why pay for it? I can't say for sure why but the water above hits the spot. Ive tried diluted juices with cold tap water and even with mineral water but nothing comes close. As a result I have started stockpiling. Not that I drink a lot of it. One bottle will do a few days or longer.

Having bigger gaps between cuppas has taught me what a difference it makes. If I go a day without a cuppa that first one is so good. You don't get that chain-drinking and that has given me good reason to cut down too.

The orange flavour hot me thinking back to something from when I was younger. I remember a drink named "Rise & Shine". It was a breakfast drink from Kellogs. If memory serves me right it was their version of fresh orange for breakfast- in powder form. The taste was very distinctive and to me lovely. Quite why they went down the powdered form route I can't say. I don't remember fresh orange juice when I was younger. I don't know if it was too costly or too difficult to manufacture. Or even maybe to do with fruit being seasonal back then. Not like now where you can get any fruit any day of the year. I used to look forward to Christmas for a tangerine in my stocking as that was the only time I got them. I'm not so sure having things available 365 days a year is such a good thing. I do think things are enjoyed more when they are sparing.

Overgrown

 

Everything is slowly returning to normal but still there are many signs that we are not completely out of lockdown yet. The image above is not that clear on its own as to what 3 months of no grass cutting will do so I've added an image below of how it normally looks. This area is actually known to us as "Alton Towers". That is very much tongue in cheek. When my oldest was a toddler my wife suggested I take her to the playpark at the top of the street. Unknown to me there were two. There was a brand spanking new one built in the new estate. That is what she meant but I ended up here. All flattened now but at the time it was concrete covered in broken glass, swing frame without the swing and a set of monkey bars. I spent around 10 minutes there wondering all the whole why my wife had pointed me in that direction.

I do wish I had taken more photographs during lockdown because it was so strange and one day it will be forgotten. I remember in the early days walking the dog through town and seeing no one. No cars either. I could walk into the middle of the road and take photos. I wish I'd taken in all tgd signs on every shut up shop. When I went down the park the chute, swings and all the rest were taped off like a crime scene with posters pinned to trees blaming Covid. Scary weird times. I wish I'd taken photos to do a before and after at a later date.

But slowly we are returning to normal, it would seem. No one can really say with certainty that there will not be a second wave. I remain unconvinced because it blew up quickly originally and could do quickly again. I don't think we are yet prepared were that to happen unfortunately. I hope I am wrong though.

023 Scotland

"Scotland"

Scotland. Its all I have ever known for the past 14 years. In July 2006 I spent a few days in Manchester but didnt know as I crossed the border back home it would be for the last time. I really wish now I'd made the effort to go further South when I was doing better. I actually went far enough north that if the car had pointed South I would have been in England again.

The map above is a fair representation of where I have been in the past 5 years. Not entirely accurate. Furthest North on the East Coast we did get to Dornoch in October 2016- made famous by Madonna and her marriage to Guy Ritchie there. That is 211 miles from home. That is scarily close to how far by road Manchester is at 207 miles in the other direction. And it's not as if I did not have reason to. My wife took the kids down there a few years ago and although I was still mostly free of agoraphobia at that point my confidence was rapidly disappearing so I gave that a miss.

I am feeling a bit hemmed in at the moment. I seriously can't ever see me leaving this little island again but I hope to be proved wrong. I'd love to go visit my uncle and aunt down on East Anglia who are not keeping too well but can't see the change happening quick enough for that to happen. Inspired by Tony Robinson's rail journeys, Alexander Armstrong's midnight sun adventures as well as many more. There was a spate of pilgrimages too and although I'm not a fan of celebrity reality I found these fascinating on walks like the Camino de Santiago. I'm taken back to Michael Palin's travel writings and the fiction of Jack Kerouac. I'm itching to get back out there and see the world but right now not only can I not manage getting out of my country but I can't even leave my town again. I am hoping though I can overcome the latter before the year is out.

021 Law and order

"Law and order"

I am like a dog with a bone but this issue over face masks in Scotland is really starting to get under my skin. I'm not concerned as to whether it's right or wrong but more concerned by the lack of effort by the government to either enforce something they tell us is "mandatory" or alternatively start telling the truth that its optional. I get the feeling they would like it enforced but that would be unpopular and they won't go down that path as popularity is their core value. Instead they guilt trip and hope if that does not work then people with self police. I don't want a police state but I wouldnt mind some clarity.

When I went to the shops earlier all the guidelines are still in place. Signs are everywhere reminding us of the need still to socially distance and with spacing lines in the floor for queuing. There is now an entrance and exit where before one door served both. There is sanitizer on entering with wipes and disinfectant for trolleys. There are arrows to guide us which route to take. But there are no signs about masks. There is nothing to say its compulsory to where a mask and no warnings of on the spot fines. I read that last weekend no fines were issued which implies everyone is complying but that is just spin. Tonight two loudmouths, who looked and sounded like the type who's phone conversations you have to listen to on trains, we're walking about without masks going the wrong way up aisles and being generally annoying. Not an offence though. I turn to see two policeman walking toward me. Behind me is a man pushing a trolley without a mask. I expect him to panic but he does not. He looks at them and moves past them. But they then turn. Not to look at him but because their attention is grabbed by the noise of the loudmouths coming down the aisle. Then they look away and start looking for food. No fine. No worries.

For the second day in a row the number of covid19 cases has gone up in Scotland. This is a crucial period. Already there are fears for a second wave in October or November. I think if that does happen we may look back at this period in particular as a key factor in that. I hope I am wrong though.

020 Alcohol

"Alcohol"

Last weekend pubs reopened their beer gardens in Scotland and this weekend its the turn of the pubs themselves- indoors. By all accounts not a lot of people are rushing back. As one guy put it saracastically: I can't wait to start paying £6 for a pint again. There isn't a lot of appeal at the moment with the two meter rule as that eliminates the social aspect and without that there is not a lot of benefit- especially for big groups of friends.

And it is the social side rather than the alcohol itself. I mean if someone wants to just get drunk then why spend £40 or whatever sitting in the pub all night to do it when it can be done on the street or at home for under a tenner? That has been the worry during lockdown. It has been reported that a large number of people have turned to alcohol more to get through it. Social drinking it is not. I fear sometimes about the grip it has on society here.

I've noticed more and more bottles of strong alcohol strewn about the place. At the top of the street alone on a patch of grass I counted 5 broken Buckfast bottles- the drink of choice in these parts. I've never tasted it so I can't judge its appeal on that merit but to me it looks like it would taste of Benolyn which is not for me. I tend to agree with the general consensus that it's cheap and gets you drunk quick. The bottle pictured is new to me. The first I had seen it. On further inspection in looks like a Scottish alternative to what the Monks make in their Abbey. On closer inspection its £6.95 for a 15% proof bottle. I can imagine that is appealing to a group of teenagers unfortunately. That is the culture. Even further promoted by a Scottish pop star swaggering about with the more popular tonic wine at a music award show.

It would be hypocritical of me to get on my soap box when I do like a drink myself. I do like that feeling of relaxation after a pint. I like the warm glow. But that is enough for me. I don't like feeling ill or not remembering things I have done or embarrassing myself. I don't like the bitterness and venom that surfaces when merry turns to too much. I think there is a place for it but the abusive culture concerns me and with all the woes coming our way as an island I fear things could get worse.

019 Community

"Community"

It doesn't seem that long ago because it wasn't. It was just a few weeks ago. My wife and I were sitting outside in the sun. To our left were people we have lived beside for years out too socially distancing but still able to talk and have a laugh- something we had not actually done for years. To our right the next block who we have only come to know in the past couple of years. A good feeling being outside in the sun with music playing and the sound of voices and laughter as well as drinks and foods exchanged and had. It felt like it was our reward for abiding by the lockdown rules for so long. All good.

My wife said it would all change when the school holidays officially started and she was right. The first day in fact it rained and since we have not sat outside once because the weather has been so poor. That sense of community did not last long. Since that glorious day antisocial behaviour has been on the rise. A local counselled has been trying to start a campaign against the reported increase of knife carrying amongst teenagers in the area. Already at the shops I have witnessed 2 incidents of violent drunk terrorising staff. That brief moment of community seems to have been brief and unlikely to return.

"People just don't care" is, according to my wife, my favourite response to most things locally. Whether it's something finishing a bottle of juice and just throwing the bottle on the ground or someone taking up 2 parking spaces my reply is the same. People taking a trolly of shopping as far as it will go then abandoning it where it is or buy the side of their car. Single guys parking in parent and child bays. I really could go on. People don't care and on the whole take no pride in their surroundings. Whether it's a local group who target areas to clean up or council workers doing the same within days it's a pig sty again. If the council paint a building there will be graffiti all over it within days. When I walk as well as empty bottles and food packaging I find clothes, scooters, bikes and all sorts just abandoned. They don't care unfortunately. Yet again the good fair minded few are outshouted.

018 Gulls

"Gulls"

Gulls are everywhere. I cannot remember any encounters with Gulls for most of my life up until the past 5 years ago. They were a coastal things. I saw them at Ayr with my grandparents, I heard them on the radio during reports from Aberdeen and that was the long and the short of it. Now they are everywhere. When it gets dark I hear them and when I'm take the dog for his last walk the hover and sometimes swoop. Everywhere you look they are there.

I'm not a fan. I don't wish harm to any creature but I've less sympathy towards them. They are getting aggressive. They are noisy. They are a constant irritant. And they are here to stay, everywhere.

017 Gaming

"Gaming"

Before the DIY stores reopened people were looking for ways to distract themselves through lockdown where the days and weeks were long. Whether it was a box set on Netflix, a book or some new hobbie everyone needed something to get them through the waking day. My own drug of choice was gaming, mobile gaming to be more precise. And even that was accidental despite always having an interest in games going right back to when I was young and got a Commodore Vic 20. Computers and consoles are all the rage nowadays but when I was young it was a very geeky thing to do so I rarely even discussed it with friends. How times have changed.

At the start of lockdown I looked for a distraction. There was only so much I could read or watch. I turned to crosswords. I've always loved cryptic crosswords. My uncle one time gave me a couple of Times crossword books which I loved filling out. Every Saturday we would do the Teletext crossword too which was extra fun as it only provided the clues so I would use this information and through trial and error would create the grid for us to use before he arrived by bus from work to my gran's house. Good times. Any way with a lack of p paper crosswords I sought out an app. With my laptop broken I had to rely on my phone. I founds a great app with cryptic crosswords so all good but there was about 150 crosswords included and only 12 or do were free. £2.99 was reasonable for the full app but I had no means of paying for it.

After some searching about I found there were some apps you could get that effectively paid you to play games. Like anyone else semi-sane I was skeptical and expected very little return for a monotonous grind. I was however pleasantly surprised on the whole. There were some horrendously mind numbingly boring efforts along the way for sure but also some absolute crackers which I have kept playing ever after I no longer needed to. All free to play. Best of all I did along the way receive a £20 Google Play store card to buy the crosswords, an album and a couple of ebooks. Needless to say I'm continuing to game my way to my next voucher.

I am very impressed not only from an entertainment point of view but also from other aspects of these games. There are some really good ones to get the brain working. There are also some incredibly inventive games. I never thought mobile gaming could ever be as good as I have actually found it to be but I am blown away by some of the quality. I'll leave it there as I have a cafe to run and a farm to get back to.

Flooded

 

"Why is the carpet wet? ", a chill runs down the spine. We were in the living room and the boy was pointing at the floor. As I looked I was filled with dread as I looked to see a big wet dark patch by the wall. Worryingly not the first incident of its kind. This was my wife's flat before I met her and up until this year we have had no dramas. In fact up until lockdown ditto. But about 6 weeks ago the same call by the same boy. This time though in the hallway. My wife had arranged a shower setup in the bath for the first time in years and unknown to us in that time the sealant around the bath had come away so when the shower was on the water soaked through. Thankfully no lasting damage done. Shower removed.

Last Thursday night though was something I have been fearing for a long time. My oldest daughter keeps running baths and forgetting about it which is why she is banned from doing so when we are out. I have been living with that fear for a long and finally last night that was realised. The only surprise was it was my wife who ran it and forgot. Total nightmare. Opening that bathroom door to be hit with a wall of steam and see the floor covered in water was soul destroying. More so when we realised we did not own a mop. Towels, bed sheets and hairdryer.

It was all fixable. That was apparent thankfully. We had caught it early enough yo sort it. More drying today and a few washing machine loads later and it's getting there. That was not my big concern though. That was for down below where we have an elderly man living. My fear was we may have damaged his ceiling- or the owner's to be more exact as he rents directly from the estate agent. As yet no word on that. When I see him I'll ask him. We are hopeful though we caught it on time.

In this day and age there is no need. We have an Echo dot and its easy to ask it for a reminder when you run the bath. It's do simple and so handy. Hopefully that will be put to more use in future. I get the feeling though that a repeat performance won't be on the horizon.

016 Boundaries

"Boundaries"

Since lockdown I've not been venturing out much except to the shops and localised dog walks. As such I have become unsure of my agoraphobic boundaries. That could have been a good or a bad thing. No surprise it's the latter. My son starts high school next month and so needs a blazer. My wife took him by train to get one today so I walked them down to the train with the dog. Or st least that was thd intention. I got close but then all the old fears kicked in and I turned back before getting to the end.

It gives me an indication of where I am at but that unfortunately is where I was 7 years ago when attempting to travel by train again. Today I got to where step one of three was last time. On a positive note though unlike last time I have the knowledge that I did actually complete the journey eventually. Also last time I was pushing myself out every day whereas I have not been this time so when I do I should improve quicker this time. Its just the start of another journey. Today a boundary was set and tomorrow I start to push it.

015 Bargains

"Bargains"

£16 worth of food for £2. Enough to go towards feeding a family of five for two needs. In these times where financially most of us are going to feel the pinch Bargains feel like a big win. Something that was £10 one day can be £2 or less the next because its closer to its sell by date and to be honest a lot of food is fine a few days beyond that- some not. As long as you are not doing a weekly shop you can buy and eat daily at a discount.

I find myself checking dates more and more often. Previously I found myself paying full price for things that were up the next day so now I check. Bread especially as that is the one thing that does seem to go unchecked in our local store. And that is one food source which does not seem to keep too well around and especially after irs projected expiry.

Bargains also give you a chance to try something new. At the best part of a tenner a piece I would not normally buy boxes like the ones above do would never experience their delights- or lack of. Especially for the kids who are not adventurous that way it is a chance to experience a new taste without worry of waste. Of course we don't eat bargain food all the time, just when it fits. I think as the economy shrinks daily and more food banks are added to the list we may all need to seek our bargains where we can find them.

Mask

On Friday it was not only my daughter's birthday and the day of the flood but also the day it became mandatory to wear face masks in shops in Scotland. The week previous Scotland's clinical director was on the radio answering questions as he does weekly when it ended with the question (paraphrasing) : Now that we have to wear face masks 3 months after lockdown are we to now hand out condoms at Christenings? No reply to that one. That about sums up my feeling to and that of some checkout staff I talked to who have spent quarter of the year dealing with the public maskless. Its not that I disagree about the move as I don't but I cannot help withing this should have been done weeks ago as soon as PPE availability allowed.

That said its also not been introduced correctly. On Friday I spoke to my brother who lives 20 miles away. He'd been to a Tesco and said everyone was wearing masks when he went in. One guy then appeared without a mask and took so much dog's abuse he left. Hardly surprising seeing its mandatory right? Not so I find it strange that we are told something is compulsory when there is no one enforcing it. In the time since the government has admired retailers are not expected to enforce it so just who is? An understaffed and underfunded police service?

I was still shocked though when we went shopping that night to find 25 to 30% of people were not wearing masks. More surprising was that about 20% of staff were not wearing masks either. Last night we shopped again and I further noted that some staff who had masks the night before were not wearing them last night. I give it a week and there will be more people not wearing masks than wearing them. There is no clear message from the Scottish government and I fear the ambiguity is going to lead to arguments and even fights in the aisles as a result. Tensions are bad enough as it is.

I personally wore a mask only because it was easier to do so than argue with someone about it. Wearing one might actually turn out to be beneficial for me from an anxiety standpoint. On Friday when I put one on I actually struggled with my breathing. Stupid I know but I genuinely f we lt short of breath to the point I told my wife I'd have to leave. I got do agitated and just wanted to rip the mask off outside. I didn't leave and finally settled. Last night I had no issues at all. It may well help me long term. I see I am holding my breath which is something I need to work on so that is at least good to be aware of. For now I'll keep mine on.

013 Birthday

"Birthday"

My youngest daughter's birthday was actually yesterday which I was all set to post about before someone turned on a tap and forgot to turn it off. 15 years old, where has the time gone? She was just 3 years old when I made my first post here and so much has changed. Not least the presents. Back then it was easy to create a big pile of wrapped presents which brought awe when the kids plodded through from their bedroom early in the morning. In time passed things have gotten smaller, more expensive and more virtual. Books, videos, music and even gaming all like in clouds now rather than packaging. It doesn't make much of a feast for the eye. As a result we have become more apologetic with each passing year spending more than the last with less to show. Its the way things have gone and to the kids everyone seems to have more than them whether it be the latest phone, their own room or a meet and greet with whoever is flavour of the month.

Still she seemed happy enough with her lot this time which is all we can ask for. I would say in the photo all the cards are from one side of the family and that is another big change. I'm not sure though whether that is something I should elaborate on but I'll think about it. In the past I would also post photos of the kids but they are at an age where they are not keen on that any more so I'll respect that. We are now done with birthdays until December thankfully so can now start to prepare for the new school term. There is change there too.

For years I posted here about trying to get to primary school and finally I managed it. That never stopped until lock dowse. Unfortunately that was the boy's last year. There was no big goodbye. When lockdown started there was still a good chance they would go back before the summer holidays but that never happened. It means also that place I tried for so long to get to I now will never return to as there is no need. That chapter is over. Time just passes too quickly.

Lunch is ready

 

Everything has a story and this is the story of lunch. Accidental delight. I'm not a great one for lunch to be honest but when I gave up smoking 5 years ago I tended to eat more maybe as way of compensation. Even that over time has calmed. I went from not eating until dinner time to having breakfast and lunch every day but over time I calmed to breakfast or lunch or mostly neither again. The plus side was I was underweight smoker so now am back to well over my ideal BMI weight which for me is a positive given most of my life I have been underweight. Its very much a psychological win to be carrying a bit of timber.

Anyway the story of lunch or in particular the chance delicious salad sandwich. My brother sent me a video about two of our great loves: football and food, entitled "The food of the gods". It involved Adam Richman (of "Man v. food" fame) going to Napoli to take in a football game and more relevant to him take in the food pre-match. As you would expect some of the food in that part of Italy is mouthwatering. Anyway he visits L'Atica Pizzeria da Michele which was established in 1870 and still going strong as the most famous pizza house in that part of the country. The other amazing thing about this pizzeria is that unlike all the UK pizza houses who serve up a large menu of different pizza toppings the choice at da Michele is one of two. You can have Marinara which is tomato, oragano and garlic or Margherita which is tomato, basil and garlic. Simple.

What should have led to a hankering for pizza actually got me thinking about something else: soup. I remembered having a can of tomato and basil soup in the cupboard and how much I enjoy my favourite soup which I had not had for a while. So at the shops I bought a small store baked farmhouse loaf for 79p and it done me for chucky bread with butter along with my soup yesterday. Most enjoyable. Today I was once again hungry around luchtime and after searching about I found a half used salad containing lettuce, cucumber and tomato. I also found some spring onion and salad cream. Normally not enough to go on but with the remainder of the loaf inspired by a video I was able to knock up a couple of sandwiches which I thoroughly enjoyed by accident. As great as they were I still would have swapped it for sitting in the pizzeria eating authentic pizza. Maybe one day.

009 Alone

"Alone"

Alone. For the first time since lockdown started. My wife has taken the kids up north to see her dad and spend an overnight for the first time. As he is an octogenarian there will still be social distancing and she has gone equipped with sand wash, sanitizer and masks for all. It's only the second time she had been able to visit since this all started with a 120 mile round trip one day weeks ago being the previous occasion. I'd dearly love to be up there. Not just to get away from here but I love it up there. I miss it. I miss it so much but it will take a long time to climb that mountain again as I am back at the very bottom.

It's a bit of a change for me too in many ways. We have 2 sofas and for 24 hours I get to sprawl on the other one. Usually whatever I watch I watch on my phone, now that my laptop is no more, with headphones. Tonight I get the proper TV on a different sofa and get to watch and hear telly in a different way. And I will watch a lot because on my own I tend not to sleep well or early. In fact I will no doubt fall asleep on the couch watching Netflix. I tend not to sleep much but when I do it's usually when I am watching something free of my own thoughts. I tend to conk out.

So that is my night planned. Just me and the dog who is too mad and yappy to go on holiday. The foxes will have to go without tonight. Just me and the dog and a bit of TV with hopefully a bit more sleep than normal thrown in.

006 Laptop

"Laptop"

Heading into lockdown the very worst thing that could have happened did happen when my laptop finally fell apart. I am talking here strictly from a personal mental standpoint. Worse things can happen and have happened this year alone but when it all gets too much mentally my laptop is the outlet which gives me some breathing space. Previous to owning a laptop I filled notepad upon notepad of thoughts, affirmations and theories as well as hopes buried under many fears. It's like an earth wire to ground me and without it I feel like I am floating aimlessly at thd mercy of the outside elements. So it's demise came at the very worst time though I am not totally resigned to its end. However fruitless I still keep going back to it and trying to fix it

From then to now mostly I have had to do everything on my phone which is far from ideal. I do have access to my mother in law's laptop but it's old, slow, unsupported and conks out intermittently.

It's the second time I've fallen victim of a bad product. Internally its a fantastic machine which I loved for the first year I had it. Then strangely cracks started to appear in the cheap plastic casing. Each time I taped or glued these down cracks would appear elsewhere. It was like something was trying to break out. This went on and finally a hinge became unhingined and it could no longer go back together just as it went out of warranty. I feel annoyed that yet again I have paid for something faulty with no means of compensation.

And it was a fault. I had to open it up completely to find the cause of the problem. For some reason Lenovo have decided to put the battery under the motherboard. This battery appears fault and as a result has expanded and in doing so has cracked all the casing and made it unusable. All the parts work individually but now every time I push the casing down flush the pressure inside disconnects the keyboard so frustrating.

For now I'll have to keep posting from my phone. Lenovo are added to my blacklist along with Hewlett Packard. Next time I'll ensure I get something with a good casing like the Sony Vaio I had which I used for around a decade and still physically worked long after but was unsupported my Microsoft. It was solid.

Shopping

 

It took me a while to first venture to the shops after lockdown started. Quite how long I can't remember. Partly like everyone else the thought of infection was a concern but mostly it was because at one point it was only one person per household. What really stopped me though were the weeks when queuing ran around the block. We are lucky enough that we can see the front door of our local ASDA from our window so now can go when the queues are gone- to be fair queuing appears to be a thing of the past now. Those waits though were not for me. Someone 2 metres in front and same behind wedging me in. No physical barrier but still I felt trapped enough not to do it.

One night when the rules were relaxed me, my wife and middle child waited in the queue. I was determined to see it out. But I didn't. Seconds felt like hours and I felt compelled to move where there was nowhere to move to so instead agitation grew and grew. It took me back to the start and standing in that meeting room at work unable just to stand still and listen before finally fleeing. Standing or sitting still while doing nothing should be easy. How hard can it be?

Shopping now though is back to normal. Maybe too normal. People in the main are ignoring social distancing in our shops and where floors read 'no entry' even staff move through them. You get the impression no one is afraid any more like they were in the early days. Even at the front door people enter through the exit unchallenged because they cannot be bothered taking the long way around to enter properly and safely. Personally I'm not sure where I stand any more. It's very surreal.