The first day of a new era

  

First I would like to apologise for so many dark posts. In truth as bad as they were they did not even touch the surface. I had to delete some things at times because they were so bad. What I have been going through mentally cannot be put into words. I cannot convey my mental state sitting awake in the dark with too little sleep tormented by worry. It was my intention last week to delete this blog because I could find nothing good to say and I saw no point in just dumping my negativity daily. Such a dark place. I do though talk of this in the past tense.

I am not religious but I was desperate and so I prayed. Its something desperate people do. I prayed to someone, not a god, for just one break. I didn't ask for a lottery win nor an anxiety free life. I just wanted one helping hand to at least have a shot at turning things around. All I asked for was what a stranger told me a few weeks ago I was entitled to. That didn't mean I would get it. In fact it was highly likely I wouldn't even though other people were. But I prayed for it. I would say there are thousands of people with worse problems and I tried to remind myself of that but it was 

What did I want? A small income to aide me while I tried to recover. In 2017 I felt I had recovered 90%. I felt I was close to being agoraphobia free as I had no panic related to being away from home and felt I could travel anywhere- not by public transport but that was no agoraphobia related. I went from that recovery which took a few years to about 10% recovery in a few months. There was one factor in that and that was the DWP stopping my ESA payments. I could go on but won't. That was the issue so I prayed for these to be reinstated. 

They have been reinstated. I feel like someone has had their foot pressed on my windpipe for 4 years. I have wanted to recover, feel I know what it takes, almost got there before but have had money problems preventing me moving on. I just wanted that problem removed long enough to allow me to do what I need to get progressing through recovery again. Getting my ESA was vital to that and looked impossible but somehow its there again. Were that not good enough I have also had what I was owed backdated. This is quite incredible as it means I can clear most of the debt which has been hanging over me for over 15 years. It was a real emotional rush unlike any I have felt for a long time. My wife said she actually noticed a physical change in my face as I realised this. It was like all the strain and stress if the past 4 years relaxed in one moments. 

The pic above is the view from my living room window. I see it every day and it rarely changes but now it's different. It's brighter and better. I can breathe for the first time in a long time. There is this empty threat still lingering like an impression but that will go in time. I can breathe. I am in a state of happiness which is unfamiliar. And the kids can have Christmas too which is another bonus.

I look out the window and it really does feel like the first day of a new era. Its the start. In January I will commence my cbt again and with the walks I am sure I will get back to where I was. This time though I don't have that threat hanging over me. This time it cannot halt my progress. I prayed for a break and I got one. Now its up to me to take this gift and move forward with it. That is what I plan to do. 

The regular income helps but it was actually biting a huge chunk out of my debt that has changed things. It is not worth going into detail but it really dragged me down this past 4 years because for the first time I had nothing in my account to pay the minimal repayments so was having to get my wife to help. Being able to squash that means that I will not be in that dark place ever again because even if the DWP stop my money we can still get by. Obviously now my wish is to recover and start making my own money so I don't have to rely on anyone other than myself.

Times ahead are looking better personally. I really feel this time I can get to the summit. Everything is now in place to do that. One step at a time though.