Tablet

Mixed emotions. Part guilt, part...something else. Brain is not working today as it should. Things are there just out of my line of vision or the tip of my tongue but just can't grasp them. You know when you feel you are in the right. What do you call that? I can't for the life of me remember and I can't be bothered doing a Google search or accessing a thesaurus but a bit of that and a bit of guilt.

To do with tablets. Not the kind you swallow, though they are so small these things you maybe could at a stretch- don't try it at home though, but the electronic type. To cut a long story short we took out a mobile phone contract as my wife's contract is coming to an end. From that my wife recieved a new phone she loves, the oldest child got her old phone and we also got a free tablet- a Nexus 7. Great. I've been trying to move away from laptop. I have it on constantly mainly because it takes to long to boot up and shut down I cannot be bothered with the wait. So an opportunity to cut the laptop out and only access the web and other things when I need to rather than as my wife says "a third arm."

My wife though had other ideas. She thought the kids should get it as a joint additional present. Why an additional present annoyed me is another story but sticking with the tablet I dug my heels in. Very simple. Its an expensive bit of kit, the kids really wouldn't appreciate it and I think very quickly it would come to some harm. Those were my reasons. Additionally I could use it and it would mean if in the coming year I could go places it would give me access to something. So as a compromise I get to keep it and we got the oldest a cheap, £50, tablet which incidentally she loves.

Guilt. Since this decision I have felt very guilty indeed. Turns out my 7 year old daughter's friend recieved a £180 tablet for Christmas. One nephew recieved the Nexus 7, he is 9 years old. And on top of that two of the kids' cousins recieved Ipads for Christmas- 7 years old and 12 years old. I'm quite amazed to be honest. I feel like a real scrouge. But I also still feel I was right. I mean would a 7 year old or even a 9 year really appreciate what they have in their hands? Would they treat it with care? I know my kids have all dropped the laptop at one stage or another and it has withstood it but a tablet is more fragile.

I just don't know. Still have mixed emotions. I think its spoiling kids if I am honest. How much is an Ipad? Jeez. And that is not the only present they get. My kids as a consequence don't appreciate things. They don't seem to care if things break. Why should they? They are young. Kids drop things. That is the way it is. That is why many kids' toys manufacturer's who actually produce for those age groups make things robust and drop proof. I wouldn't want the guilt I feel shifted on to them were they to break it accidently or something else that causes it stop working like spilling a drink over it.

My family are still up North. My wife called last night and told me the oldest has lost her tablet. Apparently its in the house somewhere. In my mind the race is on. If its lost then it could be anywhere. I doubt its stolen but it could be somewhere where someone may sit, stand or throw something down which smashes it. It is all screen after all. They are coming back home today. My wife called earlier to say they still can't find it and have turned the house upside down. As I said mixed emotions. The thing that worries me is that my wife's way of thinking is not too far removed from that of the kids. In her head I think she will just accept it and look to give our daughter our tablet as a replacement.

Anyway. Our one came 3 weeks ago and has all this time been sitting in its box. When they left I decided to get it out. I'll be honest- I am not overly impressed. To me its just a big phone that doesn't make calls. I really do not see the fascination. It is handy, don't get me wrong, for web access and some apps but on the whole no more handy than a modern mobile phone.

So its not that I want it more than the kids or the oldest. Its about what is right. Its about responsibility. Its about what is right- in my mind at least. That is the what is really bothering me though. Am I right? Is it subjective? I think its too much cost for kids who I believe cannot at that age appreciate the gift and nor ready for the responsibility of using such expensive equipment. On the other hand I seem to be in the minority given how many other parents are buying these things for their kids.

There is a real peer pressure too. My kids still believe in santa. I don't want them thinking there is something wrong when their friends are all getting these things from Santa and they are not. I could go on. Its principle. We have a tablet there that we could give but just because we can doesn't mean we should. I have never been able to conform. Maybe that is part of my problem. It always seems to cause me angst.

This is Christmas

Its been raining all day long. Doesn't feel like Christmas eve to me. Were it white outside it may be different but its not. That might even give me some incentive to shift my lazy arse out the door which I have not done since Friday but its not. Its just been a cold, dark, wet windy day. Dismal.

The kids haven't watched much TV. I remember back to my childhood and the excitement when my mum brought home the Radio and TV times two weeks before Christmas. I scanned through the lists to see what great things lay in store, mostly films. Even into my twenties I still looked forward to Christmas specials. Comdies. Lots of them. Great stuff. Now I don't bother. The kids don't bother. There is little special about the TV at Christmas. They get TV on demand any time they want it. Not just on TV but via a host of different sources.

So instead the boy sitting engrossed in his sister's 3DS all day long. The youngest girl was playing games on the laptop. The oldest was writing a play to perform tomorrow for her grandparents. Not just writing the play but getting props ready and later pulling her youngest sister reluctantly away from the PC for a rehearsal. Not the kind of Christmas I remember but things change. Not much sign of my wife. She spent most of the day, like the last few, wrapping presents in the bedroom.

So many presents. A bit of a sore point. We had got the kids all their Christmas things and then two bits of fortune fell into my wife's hands. Firstly her sister gave her a bung of cash to help over Christmas and secondly she took old jewellery to one of these gold places and got the same again almost. So a lot of cash and with our kids already covered I had hoped we could put at least half of that money away for the inevitable shortfalls next month. A day later she had 20% of it left and asked me to put it somewhere safe- I think worried that she would spend that too. And that is probably the reason why she has had to lock herself away for so long. More presents for the kids, presents for relatives and now presents for friends. Oh yes. Turns out she is one of 4 mothers who are all buying presents for the others' kids. That is 8 additional presents. In my day also teachers never got presents. Now they get them by the bucket load. 3 additional presents to buy for. And then there are a couple of birthdays that fall around about Christmas. No wonder so many people get into debt at this time of year.

As I said I have not been out much of late. I have been winding down. No reason to go out so harder to push myself out so instead hopefully preserving some energy for the new year push. At this time of year we have more visitors too. It was my wife's friend last night and my parents tonight. For the first time in a long time I struggled with panic during their visit. I thought I was over that. It caught me out the blue and really struggled to keep a lid on it. Its a reminder that I have to get back to working on my anxiety which I have not done for well over a month- maybe two. This is the endless loop. I work at it and get some relief and then because I am not experiencing full blown panic I stop working on it and before long its at me again. It needs a sustained effort, something I must be looking to do in 2013.

But in doesn't feel much like Christmas to me. I have talked a lot this year about flashbacks and of late they have come more intensely than usual. While the family were at church I wrapped my wife's presents and was taken back a few years to living up North on my own when we were first going out. I used to go out on Christmas eve into the mob and buy every present on that day. Queues and bustle and much angst for all but I didn't mind doing it that way- wasn't that long ago. Visited clear today. What I am missing. And spending the night wrapping presents with a glass of something and some music in the background. I used to always "go home" for Christmas to my parents. Then when things got serious I used to alternate between my parents and my wife's parents. All these thoughts come tumbling in.

My wife has gotten out that routine hence why my parents were here tonight- to drop off presents for the kids. She goes solely to her parents up north for Christmas with the kids. Every year. So my parents never seen us. It is in fact either 6 or 7 years since I last went there for Christmas and the same with the inlaws. Today for the first time I missed it. I actually wished I was going up north too or even going to my parents. Just somewhere other than here. Somewhere familiar that isn't here. Sick of looking at this place. Tomorrow afternoon they will all leave full of Christmas cheer and have a big Christmas dinner up north while I sit here alone for the rest of the week in an empty flat. Its something I have to admit I have usually looked forward too as there is no stress but this year I just miss being out of things. This is Christmas, not a choice I am afraid.

If things do happen for a reason then maybe I didn't appreciate things as much. Well in fact I know that is the case. And now, when I do get better, I will appreciate things. I will appreciate seeing those friends I only now see on Facebook. See family I only see very infrequently in the same place. Will appreciate going somewhere- by the sea maybe.

I know I have to do more. As they say: do what you always do and you will get what you always get. I need to work more and work harder and also be braver if I am honest. At the end of any year its not unusual to feel in a reflective mood and as I see past times come back clearer jumping avoid the empty void of the past recent years it is in my nature to feel down about it. But that is not the message they are sending me. What is in the past stays in the past. It happened, its done. Sure we can look back on that but we cannot recapture it. And the same goes for the void, the empty days all strung together into a vacuum of no memories. It is gone too. Nothing is lost, it never was there to lose. Ahead lies futures yet to be build and that is where not only hope lies but drive too. Inspired to move the arse out the door. Compelled to face the demons. The strength to tackle what lies beyond the void. The confidence that it can be done. And the renewed hope that better days lie ahead. A sense of achievement to be gained. A quality yet to be tasted and savoured. A rite of passage.

In these days ahead plenty of time for contemplation. This I think is the reason for the flashbacks. Contemplation of the days that lie ahead, the pages yet to be written. A time to plan. No more missing Christmas and birthdays and the like. No more. Better days lie ahead. It is up to me whether I want to keep sitting here staring out the window at them or go out and grab them.

The inbetween time

Time flying past too fast at the moment. Only yesterday did I finally order presents for the kids' Christmas not realising its only 2 weeks away. With age our wants grow. I lifted up the 3 A4 sheets of scrawls to work my was through the lists to Santa with Amazon and other sites. Really I do not miss the days I found myself in a mobbed city centre standing for ages in a queue and running from pillar to post trying to get all the presents together for the following day. The lists varied greatly. The 9 year old girl had filled in both sides of the A4 sheet with the writing getting smaller as the list went on and then managing to create virtual columns to add more items as if the space had to be filled. The 7 year old girl filled half one side of a sheet in larger lettering. The 4 year old boy, with the help of his sisters, wrote down to things: Lego Batman for the Wii and Lego Batman 2 for the Wii. As I said our wants grow with age or maybe just for that period of our lives, I am not sure. The boy would be happy with anything. As a result he was the hardest to buy for as I really couldn't think what to get him.

My wife and I have always been of differing opinions when it comes to present buying whether it be for Christmas or Birthday. She maintains the opinion that the more they have and the bigger the things are then the happier they will be and to some extent she is right. From that moment they walk into the living room and see the large piles of wrapped presents right though until they are all opened and the paper is left strewn everywhere they are in dreamland. I don't deny that. But what after? I've always been more of the opinion that even if they are disappointed with the size of the pile they will in the long term be happier with something more suitable. But I always relent. This is why her parents have two bikes and a trampet in their shed virtually unused. Its why I keep tripping up going down the stairs over 3 unused scooters. It is why for a long time a mock big bulky kitchen took up one side of our living room for long period of time. Its why last years cardboard wendy house that you colour in yourself lies abandoned and folded in a corner of the bedroom. Its also why in the dark of night when I am the last to bed I stand on some toy going into the bedroom. Outside our room is their toybox which has been shut for many months and not only full to the brim but cannot be seen beneath a mountain of other unused toys sitting on top and around it usually spilling into our doorway. Its a small flat. There is no storage space. Unused bulk in my opinion is a bad idea.

But this year its mostly the same again though my wife is starting to see that most of what we buy for the kids ends up a long time at the charity shop virtually as good as new and in the inbetween time just takes up space we don't have. If i had my way it would be different. If it was up to me the kids would probably be devasted when they came through looking for a mountain of presents to find a small pile. The the oldest for example. A list full of dolphin related items like plush dolls, posters, books, etc. A dolphin faze. Me? I'd get her a few little nick nacks and as a main present something like the Kindle Fire. As disappointed as she would be on arrival I think by the end of the day she would be happy. She loves playing with my wife's phone with the various Android games. She loves listening to music and writing and Internet browsing. To have a decent tablet and take it wherever she wanted I think she would be happy. We have though compromised. Half the expense roughly going on one main item and the other half being made up with smaller items they want like DVDs, CDs, computer games and like toys.

As I said time flies by. I'll have to now rack my brains as to what to get my wife who is really difficult to buy for. Its been about 3 weeks since I last posted and in that time my 41st birthday passed. A bit of a damp squib but that's the way birthday's are at this age usually. A card will always suffice but I was a bit disappointed that I was given gifts from my wife's side of the family and ignored by more own. Didn't even get a card from my parents as my mum forgot to put a stamp on it. Just another year to add on to the others.

I am still trying to build my walks again but its taking much longer than I would have liked. There is no steady rising line on the graph. Its up and down like a yo yo. One day I'm able to start progressing and the next I am struggling to get out the door. Just like at the start of the year. All it took was a two week lay off to wipe out 10 months of work. But I will get there again.

Obviously its not helped at the moment by the weather. My wife insisted on getting me ice grips which I can't telling her I didn't need but she finally got anyway and when she did the ice disappeared over night. The reason she wouldn't take no for an answer was because of my own stupid stubbornness leading to a little accident. My oldest girl needing to be picked up from her club 2 weeks ago and I have been doing that of late. But that night I forgot the time and had to rush out the door. Rather than staying to the main path which was icy enough underfoot I took a short cut down a red ash path that doesn't get any sunlight. It really was Bambi on ice and before I knew it after a valiant struggle to keep my balance my legs just went from under me. Knees hit the solid surface first, then shoulder and finally face. I felt my teeth dig into the lip and when I stood up I was sure the inner lip would be cut- it wasn't. But I struggled with the walk to collect my daughter after that. My right knee was so sore that I had to limp and was struggling to put weight on it. When I finally got to her she looked shocked and asked if I was OK. Why?, I asked. You have blood all over your face, she replied. I put my hand to my face and true enough lots of blood. Turned out I had multiple cuts on my chin. For days after my body was really sore. Especially the neck, shoulders, upper back and upper arms. So my wife insisted I henceforth where the ice grips she bought and this time I am listening.

Its not an exciting life with lot to tell as you will no doubt have gathered. The highlight of these last 3 weeks and cause for much excitement was something others would find quite mundane- a new toilet. Yes finally the kids can flush a toilet without asking their parents to do it and they loved it. Yes- they loved having a new toilet. The youngest two have never known a toilet that flushed. Ususally my wife or I would have to stand and rapidly yank the handle until it would finally flush. That is all the kids have ever known. So they would get told off when they were elsewhere for not flushing but that was not their fault.

Still not getting out with the camera. I waited so long to get it and since getting it have never used it. I think this is mostly down to the car being out of action for so long. I don't like take photos in my surrounding area and to be honest I have taken all there is to take. I can't walk further afield. So I need the car and maybe then I can get back into photography again which has been on the back burner for a while. As fate would have it at the moment the battery is dead on the car but hopefully we can get a new one soon and start getting out and about it again. When we were doing that it helped my mood enormously and I felt when I was in a better mood the fatigue was not as bad. That is the way it seems to work. Like in the past when I had to get through something like a visit with all the apprehension before hand, panic during and then when over a big burst of energy and confidence sending me out the door further than before. Finally later a crash of tiredness sending me to sleep. When doing the drives my mind started to put the bitty map together and came to the comforting conclusion that the world wasn't that big at all- places at hand were not a thousand miles away as I had thought.

Anyway, I'll get on. After a walk this morning and a spot of lunch I feel like sleeping again but ever reluctant to. Can't afford to. As empty as my day is as a whole there are always things strategically placed within in at that ensure I cannot crash out and a racing mind that wouldn't allow me to anyway. I've been neglecting this blog like I have been putting off a lot of things in life. Time to start doing. Actions rather than words.