Merry Christmas

Like the calm after a storm I now sit alone with Christmas paper and abandoned presents strewn all over the place. The wife and kids have traveled safely the hour up north for Christmas with her family and will be back at the end of the week. So a quiet time. A time of silent contemplation.

Its been good looking through the Christmas photos on Facebook seeing friends and their family. Its been good conversing with people. There is a good feeling. I think most Christmas days past I have felt a little depressed to be alone but not this year. I think because its been a good year I feel in a much better mood during this period. So much so I have decided to give myself a week off without the fear that it will set me back. It doesn't mean staying in for the sake of it but only going out when I need to rather than pushing myself out the door 3 or more times a day. Just chill time.

Of course part of me wishes I was somewhere else and around family. This year I actually feel capable of doing it. In fact if it was just my wife and I then I would have tried it. I don't fear it like I have every other year for so long. I feel I can go. I feel I can do it. It does not mean I can but it is a big step in the right direction feeling I can try. I do not see those negative outcomes I usually do and these are what brings too much apprehension that leads inevitably to panic.

Why didn't I try? Its difficult with kids and with pets. With the latter they would have to be rounded up and loaded in carriers as well as getting litter trays, litter and food. It would be too much hassle to do that, get halfway up and maybe have to turn back and unload again then my wife would have the journey to start over again. That goes too for the kids. They were excited and it would be a shame firstly for them to have to turn back and again for my wife to have basically double the journey to do. But if it was just me and her it would be so much simpler. I actually thought about asking her if she would come back down on one of the days and try taking me  up but that again is an inconvenience. It would been 120 mile drive for her and someone else having to watch the kids for a few hours too.

No go but something to work to. We were talking about this a week ago saying if it was not for having to do the loft we could have tried drives up north while the kids were at school. Its something we will do in the new year. In fact a lot of drives as I have another appointment with the job centre which I will need to try going to before the middle of February. Also have to try going through to my parents as well.

Positive. All positives. Merry Christmas to one and all.

In the school

* A really crap blurry photo, I know. It would appear my phone camera is going the same way as my little handheld went. Trouble is I took a load of photos with it before looking back so not much I can do about it. The phone has taken a real soaking so expected I suppose.

Me and my youngest girl at the school. Inside the school. With my wife I got the girl changed for her Christmas party at the school in one of the rooms. Weird. Bags of presents behind me and to my left a long conference table with 14 chairs. The reason I know the number of chairs is I felt compelled to count them after my wife asked my daughter to sit down and she sat on the floor in her party dress. The way she takes things literally worries me sometimes. 14 chairs and she sits on the floor.

This is another achievement and good because I felt very little anxiety. Maybe even no anxiety. I was in there for about 15 minutes and could have stayed longer getting the kids dressed. Felt a bit awkard getting a photo taken but I need reminders of these steps forwards out of disorder. As I said above its just a shame the photo is such poor quality.

I am hoping soon, though after Christmas, to have a new phone. I got a new phone with a tablet last year but I gave the phone to the wife as she needed it more, she has claimed part ownership of the tablet and she put the SIM in another one of her "safe places" and it has not been seen since. So I have called the network and a new SIM should arrive before Christmas. My wife's phone contract was up in March so I am just waiting for her now to get a new contract and get either the phone she has now or the new one.

Its an important thing for me and could help me move forward. There have been times I have held back from going too far in case I get stranded- lost in panic. If I had a phone then I could at least call for help or a taxi. I probably would not need it but just to get over these hurdles to begin with it would be very useful. A crutch yet but a temporary one until I lose the fear completely.

Loft

For once in these recent years a sense of achievement. A week of doing something. Making use of myself. Activity. I feel physically shattered by it but it really has given me a lift in spirits. It feels like I am gettting there. It was a little like a week of unpaid work rather than unpaid sitting on my backside and that has got to be good for self worth. I know this is the sort of thing people do week to week and take for granted but its a big thing for me.

When my wife decided to get the loft insulated all I could think about was how full that loft is. Not only that but to get to the loft you have to go through the only cupboard we have which in a small flat with 3 children is of course full to the brim. And to top it all off there is just a small square gap to transfer stuff. The prospect of clearing the loft this week was not one that filled me with joy. The thought of being up the loft for long spells in cramped space in the damp with all that wet itchy old insulation. It had to be done.

And now it is done. It took all week. There was no way we could clear everything out the loft and cupboard and put it somewhere else. It meant going through everything and being ruthless. In total this week we have been to the tip about 8 times. It says a lot that these trips brought no anxiety at all. They were routine and yet not so long ago I could not even get there.

It did not pass without incident either. On Tuesday I was carrying an old microwave oven down the stairs and stood on a cat litter bag which has been left lying. Apart from the pain I had a moment of panic. My left leg went straight forward down the stairs while my right leg buckled behind me. As my back hit the stairs the microwave landed with a bang on my chest. I lay there for a couple of seconds feeling nothing but the fear that something was broken and the pain would come. Luckily it never came. It was just fear. I was a bit battered and bruised and still sore but nothing to worry about. Not helped it must say by a second fall yesterday. More pain. This time my legs just went from under me going down the stairs and I fell forward banging a knee off the floor and my shoulder straight into the edge of the front door. It would appear all that hunching across joists in the loft which had my legs shaking allied with being unfit had used up all the strength in my legs and they just buckled. And to top it all off my wife also fell down the stairs. I couldn't believe it. Straight after my first time I was loading the car with bags when I heard a crash and a black bag came rolling out the front door. I thought she was just throwing stuff down the stairs but when I went to the door and looked up she was sprawled on the stairs. Thankfully like myself only a little sore.

So it was a long week but looking back a good week. I feel I have earned a cold beer tonight after a shower to sit and relax. The loft guys have come and gone leaving new insulation and lots of danger signs. I must say though I was not expecting them to just put the new stuff on top of the old rotten stuff. I thought they would have taken that away. As a result its sitting up much higher than it was before and in the process they have covered the joists with it so its impossible to see where to stand. But its done. Its the start of a few changes for the better around the home which include new windows, a new boiler and at some point flooring the loft.

A good week. A very good week. Off now for a shower while that beer chills.

The Doctors

What a day. Got up covered in sweat yet again and feeling like a 100 year old with aching body and short on balance. I've been ill the past few days which happens this time of year but today a little better and that is something. Not great but better so hopefully a change of wind. Incredible day though.

It started with the school run which I have not done first thing in the morning for over a month. Feeling dodgy I was glad just to get through it. That is something. There was a time when it would not have happened after a few days lay off so to get one out the way was good for the confidence. We brought the youngest girl back with us because my wife was taking her to the medical centre for the child clinic owing to a suspected throat infection. I decided to go up in the car with them and once there decided to go in- for a little bit. I had no intention of staying the duration. We were there 15 minutes before it started, there were a number of people in the room and it was a first come first serve basis- turns out we were fifth in line. No way I was staying for that. The longer I sat though the more I started to build resolve to stay. It was not easy battling with the urge to flee. But I stayed. 20 minutes and as they were called I was about to head outside for some air when I suddenly got a different urge. I went with them. For the first time in over a decade I found myself in a doctor's room for a visit- not my visit. I was rigid. It was not easy at all but it was quick. Pity it was with a nippy doctor. She did not recognise not acknowledge me but I remember her as the one who dismissed my anxiety and refused to explain what palpatations were when I said I did not know at the time. Time had not mellowed her. She lectured my wife for not giving my daughter paracetamol for 3 days before bringing her in. But how is her throat, my wife asked. Extremely inflamed, she answered. Well? Give her paracetamol and if it gets worse then phone for an antibiotic. When my daughter gets a bad infection she screams the place down in pain, is distressed and on top of that an antibiotic takes time to work. Why not give her one there and then if its "extremely inflamed"?

From there we took the youngest to school. Into the foyer and finally back home. From there it was non-stop. The cupboard needed a clean out and on top of that I needed to fit in a long walk. Once we had the living room piled with stuff sorted out we took the rubbish to the tip. This almost ended before it began. I had an old microwave in a box and was carrying it down the stairs when I stood on a litter bag that had been left there and went crashing down the stairs on my back with a heavy microwave landing on my chest and my left leg bent behind me. For a second or so I was in sheet panic. There was no pain but I knew there would be as soon as I moved. I feared it would be bad and something had happened that would require medical attention. It was just sheer panic. Thankfully though I was battered and bruised but that was it. It will no doubt hurt more tomorrow but we got everything we managed to do and in and around it I managed to walk 5 miles.

On top of all that I managed to go to the supermarket and buy something I needed using the self service. That is a god send but even at that I could not have used it last year or the many years before. The first time I used it was for fireworks which turned out to be more complicated than I ever imagined and a panic fest. This time though it was no problem at all.

A very good day by my low standards. Progress. Step by little step moving forward and back into the world. Dipping my toe back into normality. Long may it continue. 

42

Today I turned 42 years old. In reality its just another day. I don't know if an anxiety thing or an age thing or a bit of both but time just passes and every day is the same as the last. I am alarmed some times when I look at the kids and think: where are my babies? The oldest is 10 years old and getting as big as her mum who at 5 ft 7 is not a short woman. So much just seems to pass me by and so little seems to sink in. I am a husband and father of three children and yet...I don't forget it but I don't seem to have fully clicked in with that reality.

Age is much the same. And birthdays. Cards, cake, presents and visitors. Yet it has not actually sunk in that I am a year older. Does it matter? Have I really changed since yesterday? Of course after our 21st birthdays don't mean as much. The final milestones. I guess deep down I am of the opinion that really for birthdays after that point to mean something they should be celebrated on each decade. Those "big birthdays". The big "X-0". That is the way to do it. I think they would mean something then and in between people could keep their cash for the kids instead of presents, cards and sometimes postage each year.

Society would not have that though. More celebrations and more often. Black Friday and all these new ones appearing. We must keep celebrating and spending. The more spend the more it means. Bigger and better and more unique. OK, I am a grumpy sod but if I ruled the world cards would be outlawed. I really don't see the point. Cards are easy, as well as expensive trash. If nothing else save the trees. When everything from films to financial transactions to music and games and all else is slowly moving to complete transparency lost in the electronic ether why are cards still around? Maybe its just a person thing. I would rather give my best wishes to a person face to face and failing the ability to do that then a phone call or, in this electronic age, Skype or Facetime or whatever else. A card costs more than a lunch to sit in someone's fireplace for a day and then is defunct. A short read and then binned. Postage- don't get me started.

Most infuriating of all though is late cards. Someone has gone to the trouble of shopping, spending money and paying postage for a card to come after the event. What use is that? A phone call will suffice. And bloody Royal Mail having the cheek to ask for payment on a shortfall because a card is a couple of inches bigger than it should be and this after the event- aye right! You know where you can stick that card. Yet someone has gone to all that effort and expense to send it.

Its more a pressure to do these things. Like at Christmas when the kids must send a card to everyone in their class. Its a labour for them. Not much of a cost but the whole things means nothing. Take the money they are all spending, put it together and instead of them sitting for a couple hours writing cards throw them a party with the funds. Given the choice in their unconditioned little minds I am sure they would prefer it.

Ah buggery. Its my birthday and here I am on a card rant. Not like me at all- well, maybe just a bit. I did have a good day even if it has not fully sunken in yet. I had some visitors too which was strangely more difficult than it has been for a while. I think because I am really pushing myself at the moment physically as well as mentally I am finding the fatigue very hard to deal with and so more anxious than usual.

But its been a good day and lost of cards. Yes those pesky cards. Only one stands out though. It was one my oldest daughter made herself. It means something. She did not have to make it as the kids gave me a joint card. She made it because she wanted to and so did it all herself from her own little imagination- not prepacked with words and images. And that to me means more.

Christmas Fayre

The town I live in has each year on the first day of the last month a Christmas Fayre. I've seen it from afar each year and tried to take photos from distance which has been to no avail. In sight but out of touch. Such has been my progress this year that I was not only able to go but spend an hour there- I could have lasted longer but to be honest boredom got the best of me.

I should though first get something out of the way. I know I am not the easiest to live with and if I bring it upon myself then fair enough. The night after Guy Fawkes night I had a fall out with my wife. I say fall out but it was more me losing my temper and her not to talking to me since. Its done and stays done. The point is I am now alone and the truth is this has been happening more and more and things disintegrate further and further. That is life. Maybe I am just one of those people who deals with living better on their own. Since then I am been very much alone but have also made unbelievable progress. I am happier and going places and my family are happy so its for the best.

My plan was to take the kids to the Fayre which would have been a big thing but it turns out their mum was already taking them. Awkward. I had to go and I was not going to let that get in the way of me going even if it was not in the way I hoped. So I went. The Fayre is about 50 stalls or so, burger vans, amusement rides, crowds and lots of loud noise. I won't say I enoyed it. I endured it. A strange thing really. Its not something I would actually have gone to if I was not the way I am. I would have avoided it like the plague years ago but I felt I had to do it.

I am glad though I did. The photo above is from a stage of people singing carols. They asked for volunteers and as I watched on I noticed my two daughters up on the stage. I stood alone on the periphery. Took some shots and eventually pushed through the throng to get more but nothing of note. The good thing is my daughters saw me. They knew I was there. They knew this year I was not sat at home while they were out having a good time. They shouted to me. They saw me there. And that means a lot. They saw me when I went through everyone and right up to the stage to take some photographs not caring whether the crowd behind me could see or not.

I felt I had achieved something. I stood and wandered around that place in the cold on my own for an hour and as I said above it was just really boredom that sent me home packing in the end. But I did it. And that is something. I feel I am moving in the right direction. And if I keep moving in this direction I can start to take control of all aspects of my life and do the best for everyone. That is all I want.