125 Halloween

 

" Halloween "

How the times have changed in so many ways. The covid19 pandemic means this Halloween there were no kids going door to door across the Isle but in my street thaws t is nothing new. Aside from that it's a very different time because time has pressed on too fast. It doesn't seem so long ago that at this time of year I would take to my blog to post pics of the kids' efforts in relation to their pumpkin carving - or melon carving latterly. But those times are gone for good.

No spooky faces and no games. My once young family is now a little older as the wheels of time turn too quickly. Where once there would be laughter dooking for apples there is now silence and disinterest. The oldest had to work, her younger sister walked the streets with her pal getting soaked in the dark quiet while the boy just sat playing his console. Just another night. A void though sort of remains. Maybe a nostalgic pang. Just a sign of the current times I suppose. Just another day. 

124 Reverse

 

" Reverse "

Thankfully 2 days after completing the loop I have managed to do it in reverse. Not only is it 2 positives in quick succession but a quick escape also from 101 posts speculating and philosophising about managing to do it. It's done. Whether I can keep doing it is a whole different story but it doesn't matter. All that matters is that after a year and a half of not doing it I have done it. That does not eradicate doubt over doing it again but does over whether I am able to at all which is the biggest barrier.

Why was this harder than the other way? The middle point is a flyover with a busy dual carriageway underneath. That is not the problem as such but that is the point the doubts start to race in. In both cases my breathing goes shallow and panic kicks in. On the clockwise route its a gradual ascent from there. So gradual its almost unnoticeable. Anticlockwise, the reverse, is different. From here a slip road climbs up steeply and the path with it. From a state of breathless panic it's not the most welcoming paving to navigate. That in itself is its own loop of fear-tension-breathlessness and so on. It looks easy in words but words cannot describe just how uncomfortable a state it is.

Route done. The image above relates to a previous post about the colour red and the state of unreality, day 113,which comes from panic. Here today another red like the previous time in the same place. This time berries as opposed to a leaf. I am not sure of the significance if at all. It just seemed to stick out grabbing my attention along the way. 

123 Confidence

" Confidence "

So much of panic comes down to confidence in the self. It is in some ways a battle between confidence and doubt. Doubt manifests as panic. Doubt to go on, doubt to cope and doubt in just about anything can turn the little anxiety it generates into a bigger panic. Confidence is required to counter that.

Right now completing the loop took a near borderline share of doubt and confidence over into a confidence majority. That is good of course but still there is a big bit of doubt there holding me back. When I step up to the line its the doubt generating the apprehension holding me back. That apprehensive refrain, anticipatory anxiety, is a doubt that grows enough to outweigh confidence in the battle of power. Its a fragile lead. 

I was thinking this today repeating the loop which gathered more confidence. It was enough to allow me a wonder further afield on the way back. Or "a field" actually as it was not much further away but through a large marshy field I had not traversed for a while. The fact I went that route told me I had an upsurge in confidence. I could feel it. Hopefully more will follow. 

122 Loop

 

" Loop "

Some moments feel like breakthrough moments. Even if it's just to do what others do with ease. Even if it's just to repeat what I could do before a few years ago after not being able to god thd best part of a decade. However big or small the repetition needs those little glimmers of hope in order to keep going through the boredom. A little positive change is required to go again with no promise of it ever coming. When it happens though its a little bit of bliss.

It's a bit like blowing up a balloon. One of those little tough ones that you stretch and stretch and blow and blow with resistance. Then suddenly the air flows and the balloon gets bigger. Progress. That is what a walking breakthrough is like. I've been repeating the same route for months trying to complete a loop. Up one side one day and the other on another. Never meeting to complete the loop. Although I've been doing it for months I have not walked the loop on 18 months or more. The longer time went on the longer the loop appeared. Today I finally completed it. Not without panic but I expected that. It was hard but I expected that too.

I've not had many positives with the walks of late so it's great to have one. It only needs one small one to whip up enthusiasm to push on. I've done loop and next beyond maintaining that route I need to do it in reverse. In theory that should not be a problem but it is. The layout where panic hits hardest is the problem. It's a problem I am glad to have as it's 2nd on the list with checkpoint 1 ticked. 

Pizza

  

An image of my kids having a take away tonight which over the past 5 years or so is not unusual on a Sunday- this was a Saturday. Before lockdown going to church on Sunday evening followed by a take away was what happened. And if there was no church there was still take away every Sunday. And when there was church it was latterly just my wife and boy that went. But always take away. It is something I was not entirely happy about. The cost was not the problem. I felt take-aways were better enjoyed sparingly. Getting one weekly took the joy out of it. Also it had become unappreciated and expected to the point there was no thanks for it but angst when we threatened to remove it. It got to the stage my wife was actually driving to two different places because the kids could not agree where to get it from. 

With lockdown and a need to cut back we finally reduced this treat to once a month. As I predicted the kids really enjoyed it as a result when they got it. That is the way it should be and that is the way it has been. Its saved us money and given them a real reason to look forward to it and then enjoy it.

The above image though is unusual. This is not take away night and yet they have take away. On Friday my daughter got her first pay and decided to treat her siblings to pizza. It was nice to see. It was a moment worth capturing. It feels like life is moving on. The transition from child to adult has started. More importantly though they are all getting along. In a flat as small as we live that is an important thing. 

121 Platform

 

" Platform "

It was really strange walking down to the train station today for a number of reasons. Memories flew by in and out. None to do with trains I should say. I can't actually recall the year never mind the date I was last on z train but do remember it. It was the day I had to stand on a packed train into Glasgow which almost caused panic and then proper full blown panic at the lower level on the way back. Just horrible. I have not been on one since and have no intention to any time soon. 

This was more to do with time and place. My wife was at work and the two younger kids were at school. My other daughter had come home for lunch but had to make her own way back to work so I walked her down to the train station. There was a time not so long ago when I could not have done that so not all is lost. As I stood watching her board for work with the dog at my side I wondered where time had gone. I remembered her going to nursery just as it all started to go wrong and then not a lot on between outside of home. And yet here we are. Time has passed and a new life cycle begins where I've moved up a wrung of the ladder above parent. They are becoming more independent. One by one. Time just flies. Although most of my progress was wiped out I am thankful for the things I can still do and more determined than ever to grab each of these moments. 

Notebook

 

While technology moves forward I appear to be moving backwards since lockdown. I went into it working from a very good Windows 10 laptop which fell to pieces shortly after. In recent months I've had to use my mother in laws old Windows Vista laptop which ran virtually nothing but was still better than nothing. Today the screen went black forever more. Meanwhile my last resort, my phone, still keeps going but has developed a dead spot which seems to be growing. When that happened to my last phone it was unusable shortly after. Someone somewhere is having a laugh.

I am therefore resigned to working very much offline via a notebook. I used to fill these up regularly until I moved to digital and gave not written much via a pen for a long time. That is what I am back doing now. Its weird. It feels foreign but soon it will feel familiar and I know it won't break of need a charger. 

117 Locked in

 

" Locked in "

I wasn't actually locked in but that didn't matter-- it was the suggestion. I think I've talked about this before because it certainly is not the first time but my memory is so poor I can't remember. Anyway what happened was I went down to the door to take the dog out first thing and could not find my keys. Panic. Irrational fear. It's no fun in that moment but a few minutes later it was over as my keys were in my jacket pocket rather than down at the door. It got me thinking.

We have only one door to get in and out. My anxiety comes from feeling trapped with no means of escape. I can quite easily sit calm with the door locked and even with the keys hidden-as long as I don't know. It is the knowing that is the problem. As soon as I know the situation panic sets in and does not ease until there is an escape. Why? I don't need to leave but knowing I can't is enough to cause my brain to race.

What I realise now is its not new like I thought but instead amplified. I think back to the time me and a work colleague were locked in a flat all day in Edinburgh by mistake. It wasnt a problem for me but for the other guy it was and I even had to talk him out of trying to jump from a first floor window such was his need to escape. I think of the work meeting where I first felt strong anxiety and having to leave the room even though everyone else had no problem staying. I think back to the funeral and the doors shutting and struggling to get through it with my head between my knees in a silent scream. Varying degrees of amplification. 

It makes no sense to me. When I don't need to leave I don't know why it causes panic to know I can't. It's why I can't have an interview or a medical and struggle even in a one to one conversation. It is without doubt the one thing I really need to work on. If I can master that I can get through the panic and be well on my way. I struggle when I am calm to understand why it is so hard but in those scenarios I am overwhelmed quickly if stupidly. I need to crack this. Its sulimilar to the breathing problems to which overwhelm me when calm us all that is needed. I seriously need to sort this. 

116 Resume

 

" Resume "

I'm glad now to have returned to where I was before even if it did take a few wobbles to get there after damaging my leg. And I date say more wobbles lie ahead. The main thing though is that I am not falling short. In order to get down to Bothwell Bridge I did have to pass through some unreality again to get there. But I got there and in doing so I know I will get there time and again. 

I'm back on track again with my walks and happy about that. Already I am planning my next stages over the bridge and beyond. Patience and small steps. I realise also I have been pushing and that is not the way. I push and speed to get as far as I can then back. I need to take my time. I need the walks to by a mindful stroll rather than a race. I also need to cut them to 5 walks a week rather than pushing every day. I need to enjoy them and in that enjoyment is the motivation and from that the progress. A different mental approach will help I think. 

115 Portal

 

" Portal "

Above is a railway bridge which has become one of my many portals from the noisy urban sprawl into the quieter more serene woodlands. I feel my anxiety levels drop similar to when I see the sea though not as much. Maybe it's because although the woodlands are an escape from the cars and the throng they are not totally without their unsavoury types. But it's a better alternative than walking by the roadsides or through public parks. I'm not a sociable type. I tend not to want conversation and instead walk with my head down. In the woodlands I feel more free.

If I had my normal tools I'd take the above shot further back making the foreground black and white leading into colour. It feels like a Wizard of Oz moment entering from the brick and exiting into nature. As much as I am not keen on where I live I am thankful that there are many places to escape too unlike the new town I was brought up in. I'm glad of the chance to escape and know over time those escapes will get longer and further which I look forward to. 

Niksen

  

Niksen, a Dutch term meaning to do nothing. I am not sure that it is represented in the image above but its not easy to do. My thinking here is that it's a scene where I could sit and watch the world pass by without doing anything. It pulls me in. Mentally I'm active but physically disengaged allowing the involuntary system to keep me ticking over in auto pilot. That was the thinking.

Since my anxiety problems started there have been several questions and I asked them all to the two CPNs I had visit me in the past but got no answer. They are all related. I think back to trying to leave our flat to find the keys were not there and panicking because I was trapped yet before anxiety problems surfaced I was once stuff in a flat all day in Edinburgh without a concern. Its no different from now panicking at the mere thought of a 5 minute bus journey when once I was on a bus from Scotland to the Czech Republic and back. The question which arises is why I react to situations I cannot escape from. Why do I react so strongly! I react because I engage the situation when there is no need to. I overthink it. The answer then is to do the opposite: disengage and let go. Do nothing. Niksen. That though is easier said than done.

It goes back to my CBT: don't stir the pond. In short calm is a still pond. Anxiety is a whisk of a stick. In order to restore calm we don't counter whisk but instead do nothing. This is the quickest way for the pond to settle but also the hardest to do. Who would have thought doing nothing would be so hard to do. But it is. We are reactive by nature. We are primed always to take action. It's hard to just accept and let be when something is uncomfortable. The solution is simple but that does not make it easy. 

114 Fail

 

" Fail "

After struggling with my return to walks yesterday I was eager not to repeat my mistakes today. I decided therefore to take it easy. It may though have had a negative affect. From the off I was monitoring the situation and ready to backtrack at the slightest flare. Even the best walks though have moments of doubt that must be passed. Today though was a fail as I backtracked quickly without giving things a chance. But it is a balancing act. Too little and you never move forward. Too much and you go back. The sweet spot to go forward is never easy to find. Today I ran from trying. It might need a bit of that to get my confidence up.

It's another indicator that if you have 59 walks then the 1 bad walk will overshadow the 49 good ones. Good walks leave no trace but bad walks scar. This can lead to the avoidance trap. I avoided the possibility of panic but that solidifies the fear. The perfect balance must be sought between doing enough to chip away at the fear without having to write off the rest of the day yo panic cycles which are no fun. 

113 Unreality

 

" Unreality "

Today I went for my first long walk since my accident last week. I'm glad to say physically I seem to be mostly fine. The leg is still a little weak feeling but no longer tight and not a concern. Mentally though not do great but expected. I tried to pick up where I left off knowing it would unlikely be that simple and was not disappointed. It was harder from the off but it was not until about a mile from home that it all went wrong. Unreality came after the exhaustion first kicked in and then the breathlessness. Then the Unreality. It's hard to describe because not only is it different every time but it's different for different people every time. Basically in my case it's like the view I would expect but different and that can be confusing and unsettling.

Think of a view before you but you put a filter over it and maybe even warp it. When you get something different before your eyes to what you expect however familiar it leads to brain fears. Even when you know its not the alerts still come as they are primal undiluted sirens warning you something is wrong. It's a state than can lend itself to panic very easily and quickly 

It is hard to describe. You feel sort of disconnected. In the past I have related to myself that it's like someone has wrapped my head in bubble wrap. Senses are distorted and confused but almost a touch away. It's not a nice experience. I'd pushed too far too soon so will take it easier. 

And it is thankfully temporary. It doesnt feel like that as t the time but it us. It's a sensory overload and that passes. Always. Anyway for whatever reason I kept getting drawn to this single red leaf. I don't know why but something deep within thinks it has meaning. It could be something as strange as a documentary I watched about the film the "Sixth Sense" in which there was something about the colour red. This was years ago when the film was out on DVD and included in the extras. I looked it up and found that in the film the colour red comes I to prominence when the natural world and supernatural world collide. Spooky. I should have left this post for Halloween! 

112 Frances

 

" Frances "

When I posted the other day about family I questioned what I should post in thst regard. There are things I think are OK but others might disagree. There are things too personal or even irrelevant. Opinions open to interpretation or biased too much in my own favour. Family can be a minefield in this medium. In the early days I used to post about the kids a lot but they are of an age now where they don't even like their picture being taken so I try to leave them out of it. 

And so I deliberated over this post for a number of reasons but here goes. The kids have been fortunate in that up until this year they had never known loss. They did lose an "aunt" but they had very little contact with her, she was actually their grandfather's aunt and they were too young to feel much of an impact. This year was different. This year they lost their maternal grandmother who was a very major figure in their life. She'd had her cancer diagnosis the year before and finally passed away in January of this year surrounded by her immediate family. The drawing above of her with my wife (her 3rd daughter) was drawn by my oldest so very much a 3 generational work.

The kids were devasted but not to the same degree as my wife who is still struggling all these months on as they were very close. I don't think she will ever get over it. And I dont think the full impact has hit the kids yet but will in the coming years as she was their for all their major days in their lives. But with lockdown arriving shortly after this surreal limbo in between has meant they have not been up to their grandparents home often. It will take time. 

I will keep my part short and incomplete. I still can't get it into my head she is gone as she was there the last time I went north just like every other time over the past 20+ years. The only time I saw her after her diagnosis was at my home for a short visit one day. I didn't see the cruel deterioration this awful disease brings with it. I wasn't able to attend the funeral and that did not go down well so I have to carry that guilt with me. I also as a result did not get to see me son and his cousin give readings at the funeral which was a remarkable think. For me she is still there and might always be because there are no guarantees I will ever get back up there. Its hard to process it really. I get so angry that when the DWP withheld my payments it caused so much anxiety that I could no longer travel there and at the very least be supportive to my wife and kids. By the time I won those payments back after the court ruled for a second time the DWP were in the wrong the damage was done and remains done as I cannot travel out of town never mind 60 miles north.

What is done is done though and cannot be undone so I accept and move on but I doubt others will be as forgiving. I accept that too as it's not something I have the power to change. I would say it will drive me on yo recovery again but my will has never changed and the outcome has never been shaped by effort. I just have to accept and hope that in time I'll get up north again to pay my respects as I intend to because I want to not because I am expected to 

111 Scrape

 

" Scrape "

Excuse the mess. My wife would have a fit if she knew but she doesn't. This clutter is lite compared to the near pharmacy shelves which existed previously making any hidden object game screen looking barren. It's a shelve in the bathroom above the sink and cistern. The wall used to be turquoise but now it's white thanks to multiple coats from myself multiple times on multiple days. Or at least it was. In the top left should be a mirror and it used to always reside there. Recently though it has been travelling back and forth due to careless daughters who have smashed 2 bedroom mirrors. Not on purpose but instead a mix of stupidity and neglect. Both were balanced precariously and both had a big smashing fall. So now they take the bathroom mirror citing a need for natural light as the reason.

I've no problem with that but in doing so they gave scraped away some of my painting because rather than gently place something they instead slam it into the wall then drag it down until it catches on the hook. Not a care in the world. Normally I wouldn't complain too much. I'd just get out the brush or roller and fix it. This stupid wall though is different. I don't understand the workings but basically the paint does not soak into this wall and instead becomes a covering layer due to the surface. Not great but OK mostly-- until you break it. Now painting over creates a bevel. It's never going to be straight. And I know even at that the girls will soon score it again. So I have to accept it for now until I can afford an undercoat to redo it properly. I just get annoyed when I finish something and it's ruined quickly. 

110 The scream

 

" The scream "

There are two things in art that I feel a connection to in relation to my anxiety problems. One of those is Franz Kafka's short story "Die Verwandlung". Strangely I was talking to my brother about it just yesterday as he has never read it but has an interest at the moment is Surrealism. From the list of books he had in that vein I'd read Kafka's book as well as "Naked Lunch" by William Burroughs when I went through a phase of reading Beat stuff. The other thing is Munch's "The Scream". The image above is my son doing a pose more akin to Kevin in "Home Alone" but with a Munch filter it kind of works. The filter, others and a whole load of great art content can be found in Google's great new free app.

I can relate to that original image in the moment of panic. I don't look like that but it's how I feel I look. It's how everyone with panic disorder feels they look even though really everyone carries on normally and doesn't notice. The person experiencing panic rarely looks different to the untrained eye- my wife started to notice my anxiety level growing by me pulling at the skin on my throat however subtly. This act is a physical manifestation of that unspoken scream. It's the angst. It's the build up with no release.

"The scream" for me is a personification of mental anguish. That may not have been Munch's intention but that does not matter. Its what I see and that is art. Art is our interpretation. And I have seen this face before. I saw it before my first panic attack. My first memory of it was after leaving school and being unemployed. It first surfaced working with my dad. I hated it. I hated the work but I hated this mental phantom that came with it. I could not put my finger on it but I saw it. It was a feeling. A dark horrible feeling like dread that I now experience in panic. Its always been there so I was always susceptible to panic. A number of things unleashed it again and allowed it to stay but it akways been there. I feel now something happened that is now buried and that is what this mental anguish is now. I have a call to make and so far cannot make it because this mental anguish overpowers me. Its my scream. This really is the source I must tackle if I am to be free of this. 

Care

  

This week provided a day for my wife and I to be proud of as our first born started her first job. Its not been an easy path. There have been many problems along the way and those problems don't stop here - it's a day to day thing. Too many problems to list but more importantly issues I don't feel comfortable putting out there even sort of anonymously because her life is her own. All I will say is that she struggled with the social side of school so she dropped out early and has been at home ever since. Not the best situation mentally for her.

Given these problems getting an interview has been difficult. In my mind though I thought that would be the easy part. It was therefore a massive surprise given her issues that she sailed through the interviews and was actually praised for how well she conducted herself. It has led to a job as a care worker. Early days but regardless of what happens next we are extremely proud that she has turned things around. And it wasn't the easiest of starts as she started at 7:45 and came home after 22:00 with a 2 hour break in between. She appeared to enjoy it though. Its not her chosen vocation  but she might have accidentally found an area she might excel in.

How the time passes. When I started this blog she was in primary one. It feels so long ago now yet at the same time some aspects feel like yesterday. Life marches on too fast. A year from now her sister may be looking for work in a different situation given her exams have been scrapped. Strange times but maybe better times ahead.

108 Leaves

 

" Leaves "

Although Autumn begin a while back it was only today that it felt like it had really arrived. All the leaves from all the trees in all the towns and cities appear to have fallen over night. Its like someone gave it a shake and all the bright colours floated from on high to the ground. Beautiful. And when the wind kicked up and the swirl of yellows and reds and browns circled the dog went proper mad chasing them here, there and everywhere.

But he is a powerful little thing and he chased one cluster over a knee high brick wall in a bound. It was like slow motion as he glided and soon I followed in a sort of run ready to attempt a less glamorous vault with a step over. It never quite happened. As I raised my leg he tugged the lead and my knee crashed into the top of the wall. From the top of my shin to bottom of my knee is a big cut and a lot of swelling. It's fair to say the joy ended in that moment. I'm still able to take the dog out for short walks but my long solo walks are ended for some time to come unfortunately. 

107 Waking in the dark

 

" Waking in the dark "

As we race ever nearer to the shortest day in a couple of months time and my mornings are starting earlier I have found myself in the dark. That first walk of the morning with the dog is pitch black now except for the artificial lighting, occasional neon and headlights. All the homes are dark except a dim light behind the roller blind of my living room window. I walk bleary eyes with those hazy rings of light that are there for the first 20 minutes of walking. I blindly apologise to passing silhouettes as the dog barks badly at their quick movements and unapologetically ignore those barks at cars flying past in ignorance. It's all like a bit of a dream as I start to wake on the sofa some time later with the oldest getting ready for work followed by her younger siblings getting ready for school. 

As an insomniac who regularly sees the small hand pass the number three and usually beyond I am struggling with the lack of sleep. My body forces me to sleep when I try to enjoy a TV show. Each night I have to try to rewind to a point I imagine slumber took me unawares. I just can't get enough undisturbed sleep at the moment as a result. The mornings are dark for sure because the thoughts are too which either preempt the alarm or follow it. I'm not alone there in these dark times for all as the hard times begin. It's just the way it is, cycles. And as difficult as it is we know after it reaches its darkest the light steadily follows until it shines brightest in time. 

Deer

 

In the past I managed to capture quite a few deer images but it took time. It wasn't luck and it wasnt hard work but just solely down to being outdoors more. It is therefore not that surprising that until today I had not seen a deer for a while. Its testement to how little I have been getting out previously as well as how much more I am getting out now. The photo above is not great granted but its a start. I was walking along and suddenly aware of eyes on me. A very young deer. It stood staring and not moving until I stopped and took out my phone. By the time I snapped it was obscured.

It's not just deer. I've not seen many animals about apart from the odd squirrel and the visiting foxes. I look forward to that part again. I look forward to getting back into nature and out of the home. 

Criminal activity

 

We are quite lucky when it comes to news and even gossip in our town thanks to an online resource. A local online paper posts news as it happens as well as stories about charity work, jobs, new places opening, roadworks ahead and that sort of thing. What it has opened my eyes to is how many things people lose whether it's keys, phones, bank cards, pets or whatever. It provides a good service that way. So much so that having ditched Facebook a year ago I had to rejoin in a limited capacity to make use of it as I missed it. Its good. We went for a walk last week, my wife found a bank card, she contacted the paper, it was posted and very quickly the owner was reunited. With a large subscription you can see the benefits if say a bike was stolen and suddenly most of the town knows and has a picture of it. A modern age neighbourhood watch.

I don't know if it's because of this that I feel criminal activity is on the rise. Growing up I rarely saw news on TV except for its traditional slots so it didn't feel like the world was too bad but with today's 24 hour news across several feeds its a different story. Is it a rise in crime or just a rise in access to that knowledge?

One area where that question does not arise is when it's happening in front of you. Increasingly since the March lockdown I've seen the police more in my street. In particular the past 3 Fridays they have been in the next block in day time. This is significant as its a Friday when new faces appear because Friday is when people get a weekend pass from prison. And that is a problem. The Hamilton Advitiser was the big local paper around these parts when you paid got a physical copy and whenever you read of crime the perpetrator's address was usually care of Shotts Prison, Addiewell Prison or some other. Its when things happen for the worse. One of the saddest murders in these parts in recent years came at the hands of an offender out on leave intent on murdering someone, anyone.

On Friday police were in at a house again and that was that I though. Tonight though something major has happened and the only lucky thing for us is it happened shortly before my wife was due to take out the dog. It was silent outside but when my wife went out the door she was greeted by 2 police cars, a meat wagon and at least 10 officers. They were searching for something. One approached and asked if she had seen or heard anything in the lady 20 minutes. We heard nothing but on reflection the dog was going nuts around that tine- not unusual for him. Another meat wagon arrived with more officers. The street was taped off. Several times people turned up the street and were sent packing. They had a white car with all 4 doors open as well as the boot and lots of torchlights within. Something major.

This is something I never saw growing up and yet is because too regular an occurance in recent months. I do think lockdown is having an affect on criminal activity. People are angrier than usual and bored I. Some cases, desperate in others. The sooner things get back to normal the better. 

SARS-COV-1

 

Out of China a new strain of Coronavirus breaks and killing people indescriminately. It spread across the globe reaching down to Australia and over to the Americas. Sound familiar? It should. This was 2002, the SARS outbreak. The mortality rate was thankfully small in comparison to the massive loss of lives covid19 has caused but it should have been a warning as that strain directly relates to this current strain.

I remember this well but did not know it was related. It broke late 2002 and into 2003. I am sure its just coincidence but 2003 was when I became really unwell with what doctors called a "mystery virus". And I was not alone. My first daughter was born in June 2003. Some time between March and June I got very ill as I said and was continually back and forward to the GPS. At this time our midwife told us his friend had experienced the same thing. At the time in the media I noticed a splattering of similar cases with 2 involving footballers. Was there a link? My breathing in particular was badly affected and that was the main symptom of SARS. Might just be coincidence though.

In 2003 I remember the anger though in my work. There was a guy who was a bit of a maverick and a bit full of himself. No one knew what he did really. I worked on site for a company who provided IT to the main workplace. He seemed to work for neither but both. I remember though the big smile and the tan. The official line from WHO was to avoid travelling to Asia if possible and this ravaged the Asian tourist trade. One of the countries on the list was Thailand. This guy who did not even use his real name but instead referred to himself as "Bud" had against all advice gone to Bangkok anyway. He didn't care. There he was was his salesman smarm and tan letting everyone know he'd had a great time. But there was anger that he had been so selfish. No illness followed though so it was forgotten.

We worked in Portakabins. Given what we know now about how Coronavirus loves the indoors we were lucky. A Portakabins though us doubly was as there is no ventilation. Just coincidence though likely. But it makes me think further. Officially there were cases all over but only Canada reported deaths outside of Asia. Only 4 cases were recorded on the UK with no fatalities but it shows it was here. And it would most likely have come on an aeroplane so why were others not infected? Maybe they showed no symptoms. We only have large numbers now because of nationwide testing. There was none back then. How many went under the radar as mystery illnesses?

It might sound farfetched but there is no patient zero then or now so how do we know when infection started really and where it went first. Could we have had covid cases here before we knew it? The Nike conference incident would suggest so. How many more of them are there now? And how many 18 years ago when it wasn't scrutinised? Again it may just be coincidence. 

102 Changing landscape

 

" Changing landscape "

Today I pushed further out than I have for a while. In fact the furthest I have gone this year. I said recently I have 2 routes to Bothwell over bridges and used to use this as a circuit regularly-- its about a 4 mile loop. I'm still a long way off that but slowly eating my way into it. Its much the same as the early days when I could not walk around my own block-- about a third of a mile. The idea is t o walk so far clockwise one day and anti-clockwise the next. Each time push a little more until they join up.

As I said this loop has a bridge on both sides crossing the river Clyde. Another strange similarity is the changing landscape on both sides of the river. Both had bare land ahead as you crossed the bridge just a year ago. Over the past 4 or 5 years I was doing that walk that has always been the case. Now both are filled with housing. On the West side, above, are more affordable housing. By affordable I mean in comparison to the East side which is luxury housing, below. It feels like not a blade of glass is allowed to grow if bricks and mortar can be put upon it. Just out my window there is a patch of grass which has been earmarked by a builder to cram several new homes in to. And yet still there are not enough homes.

101 Stonework

 

" Stonework "

I am increasingly becoming intrigued my the wonders of the ancient world. Its the engineering mainly. The astrology equally is impressive. Just how we're these people able to map the heavens so precisely? But the did. Without gigantic telescopes and satellites their precision was equal. Its incredible. It M makes me think that what they lacked by modern day standards of technology they more than made up for with inventiveness utilising the bare raw materials they had at hand. Its fascinating. 

I posted some years ago about how some people were outraged that renovation work on Bothwell Castle involved modern rectangular red bricks looking totally out of place. Was there a lack of understanding there on how to build it as people did 500 years ago? The photo above is from an old wall over 100 years old I think. I love these. They have character and in contrast to modern walks no two are the same. 

But they are nothing compared to the walls at Saqsaywaman in South America. These are incredible. I cannot get my head around how this was done so long ago. Could we do this today using only ancient tools. I doubt it. There are many other examples. It makes me think we have lost something over the years and our push to build a technology that does everything for us could well be to our detriment longer term. 

The postman always rings once

  

About 2 months or so ago I was sitting out when a DPD lorry pulled up. The delivery driver got out, went to the door beside me, chapped, waited 10 seconds, dropped the parcel on the door step, looked at me, shrugged and the drove off. This is not an enclosed space and could be deemed a main thoroughfare the local area. It is exposed. There is no fence. The parcel was left waiting to be picked up by anyone. I saw it happen a few times more. Some deliveries contain expensive things. It's scary.

I did though think it had stopped. A few weeks ago I got a delivery and the female with package in hand asked if I could step back when I opened the door. I did. She then threw the parcel over the threshold and took a snap with her phone. Progress at least.

The other day though I saw another parcel on a doorstep. Its not a neighbour I know. About 5 hours later after a walk I passed and it was still there. It could have anything in it. It could be something worth a few pound or multiple thousands. Either way it's shameful. It would not be as bad if a delivery time was accurate but they are not. My most recent one was due one day but came the day before and i nearly missed it because although the dog was barking like crazy I was under a sink painting and putting it down to another dog passing. It was only luck that the delivery driver had several local drops or I would not have spotted him after

For years I have taken in parcels for people and had the same in return. Its what neighbours do. I'm not blaming the drivers because they are only working to instruction. I don't know why it has to change but it has and I cannot see how it benefits anyone. I have taken in at least three parcels recently from close neighbours doorsteps and put notes through their doors. I don't though with neighbours I don't know because I would fear someone was thinking I was trying to steal it. 

100 Early

 

" Early "

I previously posted about how I find mornings harder than night. This did not ease through lockdown. Because we got a dog every day is an early start even when my wife's work and the kids school was closed. Early by my standards I should say and those are the standards of an insomniac. I am not a farmer or a Baker. Those are proper early starts. But early in my own way.  Early because I lie awake waiting for sleep to come and all that arrives is the light of morning and the first sound of birds followed by cars. And when finally I sleep I am as quickly awake again with the phone alarm sounding while the dog jumps all over me licking me awake knowing what the sound means.

And so I walk in a daze down the stairs in that limbo. My eyes need tested again. When I put on my glasses the sight improves but just not enough. It takes at least 5 minutes now or maybe more to see through the blur. The halligen lights have halos that are gone after I came back in. I stumble about the streets walking the dog thankful fir the lack of people. Mostly its a peaceful walking stupor but some mornings that anxiety kicks in early. Even in the few moments panic attacks I must push through the routine as the dog needs it. On the whole it's not my most enjoyable time of day. 

099 Handle

 

" Handle "

Some people excel when looking to spruce up their old home, some get buy, some pay for others to do it and some plod on cluessly. That last one is me. My best work has resided in the mind. I've never been good with my hands- ever. Whether I was slicing through my thumb in home economics or accidentally painting window panes I have always embarrassed myself in some way. Despite this I have recently been trying to make our little home a little better with mixed results. Mostly I have to say it has been positive but these are overshadowed by the fails.

Painting has mainly gone OK except for minor ailments. Our toilet cistern though has been running water consistently for months now and I cannot fathom that out. I tried changing a broken tap too which was a disaster. These are the reminders that my skills don't lie in those areas no matter how hard I try. I told myself this again today standing in thd kids' room having fitted a new door handle and locking myself in as a result.

The door handle in the kids' room has been going for a while. I bought a new one. I took off the old one and put on the new one. Simple. If only. As I said I then couldn't open the door. In the end I had to unscrew the lot to get out and put the old handle back on. I thought it would be a straight swap but how wrong I was. For somd reason where the old handle knackered as it was turned a full turn the new handle only turned the mortice lock half a turn. I still have no idea why. I looked, got confused further and gave up. I will go back but not for a bit. Only so many fails I can take on a week so I'll go back to painting. 

098 Uncle and Aunt

 

" Uncle and Aunt "

When I found out not long ago that an aunt and uncle had died a long time ago it made me want to get back in contact with another couple all the more. And that at least was not hard as they were in contact with my brother. I had been in regular contact via email up until 2008 when my son was born. That also coincided with my laptop dying and me losing their email. Of course 12 years on that would not really be a problem but back then it was. We lost contact and life got in the way.

Anyway I got back in contact with them some time back but it was a little awkward. I don't like using the phone, my uncle doesn't like typing and my aunt had problems with her sight. A stalemate. I said I'd get back sometime in the future. Out the blue though last night an email arrived. It was from my aunt. She'd had her operation and said all the grey had cleared and her sight was back. Fantastic news. 

I do prefer email. Aside from getting agitated on the phone I cannot concentrate and forget things. A big bonus of the mails is being able to choose when to interact. Most of all though my aunt writes great interesting mails and used to fill them with accompanying photographs.

They live down near the Norfolk broads and it has me missing that area of the world again. The pace of life was so much slower when I used to go down that it felt like a proper break between the great rail journeys there and back. The summers were so warm. They had a boat we could glide along the water on. Everyone said hello and most would stop for a chat. I do miss that. I do hope I can do it again but time is running out on that score given my aunt is now 81 years old. Not that she looks it. The two of them still look like they have plenty of miles in them.

I really am looking forward to reading mails again and finding out about their current lives. The photo above is from very early 89s I suspect. Its my younger brother in the photo who was born in 1976 so I think 82 or 83 possibly. It was a tradition for my grandparents to go down them they took me and then my brother. I also went down a few years with another uncle and then on my own. There is a very long tradition there. 

097 Rain

 

" Rain "

The rain has been relentless today, biblical even. Its been so bad the whole railway network had to be shutdown tonight due to flooding. Its not condusive to getting out for sure. Its freezing cold too. Just a horrible day.

I've finished painting the bathroom and will turn my attention elsewhere in a couple of days time. Today was mostly spent under a quilt reading except to take the dog out. I put off the big walk until dark knowing it would be awful for us both. And it was. Soaked and frozen for half an hour and as we are counting every penny there was no heating to come back to. Grim. A day better forgotten 

096 Hat

 

" Hat "

We used to laugh at the fact my father in law would whip out his sandles at the slightest hint of summer. In fact in some old indoor photos of the girls I heard it noted that the photos were taken in summer with a nod to a sandle clad bare foot in the background somewhere. It was a trope of sorts and maybe still is but we don't congregate as much these days.

And so where his sandle heralded summer my hat has done the same for winter--or thereabouts. It's hat weather now and more so soon given my wife his threatening with intent to shave my head again. I have a couple which I keep on my bag I take walking but soon they will be as permanent a fixture outdoor as the face mask has become indoor.

I actually spent a bit of cash one year on a hat which I hoped would last. It wasn't cheap. I had some money at the time and went into an outdoor store up north one time only finding out later its well known for having the best of gear for equivilant prices. I hot this great hat though made of Merino wool which was so cosy. One day shopping I put it in my pocket but when I went to the checkout it was gone. I searched the store but not to be found- someone had lifted it. It still annoys me. Who would want a hat that someone else had been wearing any more than buying someone's mattress or stealing someone's shoes? I despair at people sometimes.

That hat is on and the gloves will no doubt follow if I can ever find them. I have a few items that have lasted well. The gloves are well over 10 years old and I have a couple of jackets that are older. I do believe in some cases if you can it's worth spending a little more for something that will last. As a case in point the photo below is 20 years old. I should be ashamed but I am not. 

X factor

 

Five years ago we took my oldest daughter on a Sunday to a church to see a singer she liked who at that time had become temporarily well known after appearing on the reality show "X Factor". We had to go into church for a bit which I didn't mind as an aethiest and nor strangely did my Catholic family despite the Church of Scotland minister's joy about something happening on July 12th. Anyway we attended and outside both daughters were able to get their pictures taken much to their joy as the singer happily mingled with his young female fans. Then appeared an older female well dressed if a bit over the top for a Sunday morning service. With her was a younger well dressed man who appeared to be her lacky. She arrived, sought, got a photo taken and as quickly left like she had never been there except for the photographic evidence. It intrigued me so much I took the photo above to later find out if I could find out who she was and what the point of it was.

I was confident it was politics but knew it was not our local MSP. It didn't take Poirot to discover it was in fact the local MP for the area. And it was even less of a surprise to find she was aligned to a party who liked a selfie and did not miss a photo opportunity when it was presented even if the time spend was so minimal as to clearly show no interest in the event, only self promotion. I don't do politics though. I'm not smart enough nor steeped in it enough to do so. I was took to Twitter to remark on the apparent hijacking of the Saltire as a political symbol only to be shot down quickly by someone giving me a history lessons with dates and places concerning that flag. I didn't have interest enough to check the facts, do my own research and construct a counter argument. My lack of interest so early was enough to tell me to stay out of political debate and leave it to the fanatics who will not change their stance any way. 

This photo came to mind though because the lady in question has become known to the whole of the UK overnight. All those photo opportunities were nothing compared to the publicity she is receiving now nationally and possibly even internationally to some degree- though swamped by today's news about President Trump testing positive for Covid19. If she was seeking the x factor she has it now but for all the wrong reasons.

I don't think I have ever seen quite a backlash as the one lady night when this MP posted an apology last night. As we see with the British Prime Minister and the American President this virus is so wide spread no one can hide from it. As we know from the mortality rate this is a killer virus that should be feared. Knowing these two things alone it is incredible that someone could knowingly carry this virus the length of the country and back. It is astounding that she can then not consider resigning on the spot and instead try to reassure us that she is now self isolating. If this was Joe Bloggs it would anger the country but for an MP privileged enough to get a test on tap its staggering.