Pizza

  

An image of my kids having a take away tonight which over the past 5 years or so is not unusual on a Sunday- this was a Saturday. Before lockdown going to church on Sunday evening followed by a take away was what happened. And if there was no church there was still take away every Sunday. And when there was church it was latterly just my wife and boy that went. But always take away. It is something I was not entirely happy about. The cost was not the problem. I felt take-aways were better enjoyed sparingly. Getting one weekly took the joy out of it. Also it had become unappreciated and expected to the point there was no thanks for it but angst when we threatened to remove it. It got to the stage my wife was actually driving to two different places because the kids could not agree where to get it from. 

With lockdown and a need to cut back we finally reduced this treat to once a month. As I predicted the kids really enjoyed it as a result when they got it. That is the way it should be and that is the way it has been. Its saved us money and given them a real reason to look forward to it and then enjoy it.

The above image though is unusual. This is not take away night and yet they have take away. On Friday my daughter got her first pay and decided to treat her siblings to pizza. It was nice to see. It was a moment worth capturing. It feels like life is moving on. The transition from child to adult has started. More importantly though they are all getting along. In a flat as small as we live that is an important thing. 

Notebook

 

While technology moves forward I appear to be moving backwards since lockdown. I went into it working from a very good Windows 10 laptop which fell to pieces shortly after. In recent months I've had to use my mother in laws old Windows Vista laptop which ran virtually nothing but was still better than nothing. Today the screen went black forever more. Meanwhile my last resort, my phone, still keeps going but has developed a dead spot which seems to be growing. When that happened to my last phone it was unusable shortly after. Someone somewhere is having a laugh.

I am therefore resigned to working very much offline via a notebook. I used to fill these up regularly until I moved to digital and gave not written much via a pen for a long time. That is what I am back doing now. Its weird. It feels foreign but soon it will feel familiar and I know it won't break of need a charger. 

Niksen

  

Niksen, a Dutch term meaning to do nothing. I am not sure that it is represented in the image above but its not easy to do. My thinking here is that it's a scene where I could sit and watch the world pass by without doing anything. It pulls me in. Mentally I'm active but physically disengaged allowing the involuntary system to keep me ticking over in auto pilot. That was the thinking.

Since my anxiety problems started there have been several questions and I asked them all to the two CPNs I had visit me in the past but got no answer. They are all related. I think back to trying to leave our flat to find the keys were not there and panicking because I was trapped yet before anxiety problems surfaced I was once stuff in a flat all day in Edinburgh without a concern. Its no different from now panicking at the mere thought of a 5 minute bus journey when once I was on a bus from Scotland to the Czech Republic and back. The question which arises is why I react to situations I cannot escape from. Why do I react so strongly! I react because I engage the situation when there is no need to. I overthink it. The answer then is to do the opposite: disengage and let go. Do nothing. Niksen. That though is easier said than done.

It goes back to my CBT: don't stir the pond. In short calm is a still pond. Anxiety is a whisk of a stick. In order to restore calm we don't counter whisk but instead do nothing. This is the quickest way for the pond to settle but also the hardest to do. Who would have thought doing nothing would be so hard to do. But it is. We are reactive by nature. We are primed always to take action. It's hard to just accept and let be when something is uncomfortable. The solution is simple but that does not make it easy. 

Care

  

This week provided a day for my wife and I to be proud of as our first born started her first job. Its not been an easy path. There have been many problems along the way and those problems don't stop here - it's a day to day thing. Too many problems to list but more importantly issues I don't feel comfortable putting out there even sort of anonymously because her life is her own. All I will say is that she struggled with the social side of school so she dropped out early and has been at home ever since. Not the best situation mentally for her.

Given these problems getting an interview has been difficult. In my mind though I thought that would be the easy part. It was therefore a massive surprise given her issues that she sailed through the interviews and was actually praised for how well she conducted herself. It has led to a job as a care worker. Early days but regardless of what happens next we are extremely proud that she has turned things around. And it wasn't the easiest of starts as she started at 7:45 and came home after 22:00 with a 2 hour break in between. She appeared to enjoy it though. Its not her chosen vocation  but she might have accidentally found an area she might excel in.

How the time passes. When I started this blog she was in primary one. It feels so long ago now yet at the same time some aspects feel like yesterday. Life marches on too fast. A year from now her sister may be looking for work in a different situation given her exams have been scrapped. Strange times but maybe better times ahead.

Deer

 

In the past I managed to capture quite a few deer images but it took time. It wasn't luck and it wasnt hard work but just solely down to being outdoors more. It is therefore not that surprising that until today I had not seen a deer for a while. Its testement to how little I have been getting out previously as well as how much more I am getting out now. The photo above is not great granted but its a start. I was walking along and suddenly aware of eyes on me. A very young deer. It stood staring and not moving until I stopped and took out my phone. By the time I snapped it was obscured.

It's not just deer. I've not seen many animals about apart from the odd squirrel and the visiting foxes. I look forward to that part again. I look forward to getting back into nature and out of the home. 

Criminal activity

 

We are quite lucky when it comes to news and even gossip in our town thanks to an online resource. A local online paper posts news as it happens as well as stories about charity work, jobs, new places opening, roadworks ahead and that sort of thing. What it has opened my eyes to is how many things people lose whether it's keys, phones, bank cards, pets or whatever. It provides a good service that way. So much so that having ditched Facebook a year ago I had to rejoin in a limited capacity to make use of it as I missed it. Its good. We went for a walk last week, my wife found a bank card, she contacted the paper, it was posted and very quickly the owner was reunited. With a large subscription you can see the benefits if say a bike was stolen and suddenly most of the town knows and has a picture of it. A modern age neighbourhood watch.

I don't know if it's because of this that I feel criminal activity is on the rise. Growing up I rarely saw news on TV except for its traditional slots so it didn't feel like the world was too bad but with today's 24 hour news across several feeds its a different story. Is it a rise in crime or just a rise in access to that knowledge?

One area where that question does not arise is when it's happening in front of you. Increasingly since the March lockdown I've seen the police more in my street. In particular the past 3 Fridays they have been in the next block in day time. This is significant as its a Friday when new faces appear because Friday is when people get a weekend pass from prison. And that is a problem. The Hamilton Advitiser was the big local paper around these parts when you paid got a physical copy and whenever you read of crime the perpetrator's address was usually care of Shotts Prison, Addiewell Prison or some other. Its when things happen for the worse. One of the saddest murders in these parts in recent years came at the hands of an offender out on leave intent on murdering someone, anyone.

On Friday police were in at a house again and that was that I though. Tonight though something major has happened and the only lucky thing for us is it happened shortly before my wife was due to take out the dog. It was silent outside but when my wife went out the door she was greeted by 2 police cars, a meat wagon and at least 10 officers. They were searching for something. One approached and asked if she had seen or heard anything in the lady 20 minutes. We heard nothing but on reflection the dog was going nuts around that tine- not unusual for him. Another meat wagon arrived with more officers. The street was taped off. Several times people turned up the street and were sent packing. They had a white car with all 4 doors open as well as the boot and lots of torchlights within. Something major.

This is something I never saw growing up and yet is because too regular an occurance in recent months. I do think lockdown is having an affect on criminal activity. People are angrier than usual and bored I. Some cases, desperate in others. The sooner things get back to normal the better. 

SARS-COV-1

 

Out of China a new strain of Coronavirus breaks and killing people indescriminately. It spread across the globe reaching down to Australia and over to the Americas. Sound familiar? It should. This was 2002, the SARS outbreak. The mortality rate was thankfully small in comparison to the massive loss of lives covid19 has caused but it should have been a warning as that strain directly relates to this current strain.

I remember this well but did not know it was related. It broke late 2002 and into 2003. I am sure its just coincidence but 2003 was when I became really unwell with what doctors called a "mystery virus". And I was not alone. My first daughter was born in June 2003. Some time between March and June I got very ill as I said and was continually back and forward to the GPS. At this time our midwife told us his friend had experienced the same thing. At the time in the media I noticed a splattering of similar cases with 2 involving footballers. Was there a link? My breathing in particular was badly affected and that was the main symptom of SARS. Might just be coincidence though.

In 2003 I remember the anger though in my work. There was a guy who was a bit of a maverick and a bit full of himself. No one knew what he did really. I worked on site for a company who provided IT to the main workplace. He seemed to work for neither but both. I remember though the big smile and the tan. The official line from WHO was to avoid travelling to Asia if possible and this ravaged the Asian tourist trade. One of the countries on the list was Thailand. This guy who did not even use his real name but instead referred to himself as "Bud" had against all advice gone to Bangkok anyway. He didn't care. There he was was his salesman smarm and tan letting everyone know he'd had a great time. But there was anger that he had been so selfish. No illness followed though so it was forgotten.

We worked in Portakabins. Given what we know now about how Coronavirus loves the indoors we were lucky. A Portakabins though us doubly was as there is no ventilation. Just coincidence though likely. But it makes me think further. Officially there were cases all over but only Canada reported deaths outside of Asia. Only 4 cases were recorded on the UK with no fatalities but it shows it was here. And it would most likely have come on an aeroplane so why were others not infected? Maybe they showed no symptoms. We only have large numbers now because of nationwide testing. There was none back then. How many went under the radar as mystery illnesses?

It might sound farfetched but there is no patient zero then or now so how do we know when infection started really and where it went first. Could we have had covid cases here before we knew it? The Nike conference incident would suggest so. How many more of them are there now? And how many 18 years ago when it wasn't scrutinised? Again it may just be coincidence. 

The postman always rings once

  

About 2 months or so ago I was sitting out when a DPD lorry pulled up. The delivery driver got out, went to the door beside me, chapped, waited 10 seconds, dropped the parcel on the door step, looked at me, shrugged and the drove off. This is not an enclosed space and could be deemed a main thoroughfare the local area. It is exposed. There is no fence. The parcel was left waiting to be picked up by anyone. I saw it happen a few times more. Some deliveries contain expensive things. It's scary.

I did though think it had stopped. A few weeks ago I got a delivery and the female with package in hand asked if I could step back when I opened the door. I did. She then threw the parcel over the threshold and took a snap with her phone. Progress at least.

The other day though I saw another parcel on a doorstep. Its not a neighbour I know. About 5 hours later after a walk I passed and it was still there. It could have anything in it. It could be something worth a few pound or multiple thousands. Either way it's shameful. It would not be as bad if a delivery time was accurate but they are not. My most recent one was due one day but came the day before and i nearly missed it because although the dog was barking like crazy I was under a sink painting and putting it down to another dog passing. It was only luck that the delivery driver had several local drops or I would not have spotted him after

For years I have taken in parcels for people and had the same in return. Its what neighbours do. I'm not blaming the drivers because they are only working to instruction. I don't know why it has to change but it has and I cannot see how it benefits anyone. I have taken in at least three parcels recently from close neighbours doorsteps and put notes through their doors. I don't though with neighbours I don't know because I would fear someone was thinking I was trying to steal it. 

X factor

 

Five years ago we took my oldest daughter on a Sunday to a church to see a singer she liked who at that time had become temporarily well known after appearing on the reality show "X Factor". We had to go into church for a bit which I didn't mind as an aethiest and nor strangely did my Catholic family despite the Church of Scotland minister's joy about something happening on July 12th. Anyway we attended and outside both daughters were able to get their pictures taken much to their joy as the singer happily mingled with his young female fans. Then appeared an older female well dressed if a bit over the top for a Sunday morning service. With her was a younger well dressed man who appeared to be her lacky. She arrived, sought, got a photo taken and as quickly left like she had never been there except for the photographic evidence. It intrigued me so much I took the photo above to later find out if I could find out who she was and what the point of it was.

I was confident it was politics but knew it was not our local MSP. It didn't take Poirot to discover it was in fact the local MP for the area. And it was even less of a surprise to find she was aligned to a party who liked a selfie and did not miss a photo opportunity when it was presented even if the time spend was so minimal as to clearly show no interest in the event, only self promotion. I don't do politics though. I'm not smart enough nor steeped in it enough to do so. I was took to Twitter to remark on the apparent hijacking of the Saltire as a political symbol only to be shot down quickly by someone giving me a history lessons with dates and places concerning that flag. I didn't have interest enough to check the facts, do my own research and construct a counter argument. My lack of interest so early was enough to tell me to stay out of political debate and leave it to the fanatics who will not change their stance any way. 

This photo came to mind though because the lady in question has become known to the whole of the UK overnight. All those photo opportunities were nothing compared to the publicity she is receiving now nationally and possibly even internationally to some degree- though swamped by today's news about President Trump testing positive for Covid19. If she was seeking the x factor she has it now but for all the wrong reasons.

I don't think I have ever seen quite a backlash as the one lady night when this MP posted an apology last night. As we see with the British Prime Minister and the American President this virus is so wide spread no one can hide from it. As we know from the mortality rate this is a killer virus that should be feared. Knowing these two things alone it is incredible that someone could knowingly carry this virus the length of the country and back. It is astounding that she can then not consider resigning on the spot and instead try to reassure us that she is now self isolating. If this was Joe Bloggs it would anger the country but for an MP privileged enough to get a test on tap its staggering.