Camera

Yes. Nearly 4 months after I turned 40 years old and family generously donated to my camera fund I finally today have a new camera. I waited for the price to come down and it didn't. I stubbornly though decided to hold out. And by chance I found a site selling it for £100 cheaper than anywhere else so was able to make the purchase. True to form I purchased it online one day and the next the exhaust has gone again on the car. Some bugger up there is having a laugh at redressing any happiness. And that took the sheen from the delivery today. To be honest I have hardly used it because I am now full of guilt because the extra I added wasn't much by anyone else's terms but a lot for us and certainly enough to fix a car repair, I hope, ahead of Easter when my wife takes the kids up North for a weekend to enjoy the festivities.

But I did have a play, how could I not? Aside from my own eagerness bubbling beneath the doom and gloom the kids wanted to see it. Verdict? Its a great camera but I know nothing. Thought I would take it all in my stride. Now see I have so much to learn. But as my wife wasn't slow in pointing out its not as if I don't have the time to do that. Yes, thanks. It will be somewhat of a distraction for me and hopefully I can get to grips with it. With the lens attached its bigger than I imagined it would be and put to bed my thoughts that I could carry it around in my jacket pocket. Looks like the wee compact is still going to be a permanent fixture in that respect.

I don't know what I feel at the moment. It should be joy and that is in there somewhere. It should not be guilt considering the vast majority of it was paid for by donations for my 40th meaning I really didn't feel like it was a birthday at the time and should have felt that overwhelming elation today. Sign of the times. Unless you have just had your tax rate cut to 45% there is not much cause for celebration.

First sun

Well for the first time this year I found myself sitting outside. Partly great, partly lots of anxiety from not being inside. It takes a lot to break that habit. Only with a succession of days will I have the chance of that easing. Bit like someone confined for a long time and then released into the world- a bit unreal and unfamiliar. Saw lots of forgotten faces. Some welcome, some better left forgotten. As a family though we all enjoyed the sun. But there has been lots of trouble around here which is not good. Last night 4 car loads of people stopped at the bottom of our street brought a police car and an ambulance. There was trouble in the early hours of the night before. Can't help feeling there is a generation coming through that I would prefer didn't. Such is life.

Grief

It has been a horrible weekend. Not personally. This kind of grief passes. But I find I soak it up like someone close to the thing. Football. A weekend. Watching the Spurs v Bolton game on TV on Saturday. I was alone and then the play stopped. Bolton's Fabrice Muamba looked in distress. Medics came on, TV cameras moved away. Slow motion. Anguish on players faces. Silence in the 30,000 crowd. Shock and horror. I have never seen something like that live. I felt sick to the bone. It was horrible. I felt like I was there. I could see tears and I could see fear. I thought the unthinkable had happened and could not see any other alternative but since have learned although the poor lad is critically ill still that my worst fear at that time did not happen. Not something I will forget. I was only watching on TV but jeez I felt ill for a long time during and after. Emotional overload. It was like I was there.

And more football on Sunday. Still alone watching the Scottish League Cup final contested by Celtic and Kilmarnock and the latter won the cup, the underdogs. Great joy of course on the faces of all the Ayrshire fans. But I had the radio on and something was happening, something alarming. I looked at the manager. He was alone on the park looking very down and troubled- not the usual look of a jubilant manager. Then the story came through that a player had ran up the tunnel in tears. Turns out the poor guy's father was at the game and had a heart attack. Euphoria to despair is a single instance for a lot of people. Reverberations of the night before. They were still working on the father as the celebrations were cut short. Again I felt like I was there.

So much sadness. Haven't known a weekend like it. But the grief for me is removed and passes. It doesn't for these poor souls involved, related or known. I hope all pull through and get well. I hope never to see such things again.

Wind Power

If any one should know just how detrimental fear is then it is me living with it as I have for so long now. One of many fears has been that this would manifest in my children and the middle child I am most concerned about. But as I think on this I have completely overlooked the oldest child and her current predicament. Last night she complained of a sore throat and today she was white as a sheet. My wife said when she dropped her off at school her knuckles were white with gripping her. And we expect a phone call from the school to say she is ill again and has not ate her lunch. We expect her to be ravenous as a result when she comes home from school. I should have even taken note this morning when she said her brother was lucky because he doesn't have to go outside at break time. This has been going on for a while, too long. And as usual my head has been too stuck in my own problems to notice.

Over the past few months we have had unusually strong winds as most of the country has. This is the problem. It terrifies her. I have said to her there is nothing to be afraid of. Especially in school. It won't do her any harm. And she agrees but looks with the fear in her eyes. It is an intensely strong fear too. It doesn't help where we are situated as its at the bottom of a long open street with a motorway flyover at the top. The wind really howls down it. Sometimes I struggle to breathe coming up the street if its strong and have been blown of the steps a few times while opening the door. It broke our car door such was its ferocity.

It is the unseen fear. Its not visible but is audible and is its sound which scares my daughter so much. The curtains could be closed but she still hears the howling banshee ripping at the home and shaking it and it scares the life out of her. Given my anxiety, fear, problems you would think I would be well versed to tackle this problem. I did, think that. But the truth is I cannot get on top of my own so how can I advise someone else? I just don't know but will have to find some way to do it as I can see this phobia just getting worse over time and I would rather deal with it now than let it escalate into other problems.

Special delivery

Very bizarre. My wife went out to the shops last night and called. Told me to look out the window, so I did. The downstairs neighbours' entrance was blocked by a tree. Kids. Not happy enough with stealing or vandalising they are now tipping. I heard the police later- not a lot they can do. I suppose that is better than the hole we have in our door from something throwing something at it. Little sods.