Its been 11 months since my last post and in that time in between I have not once ventured back into the blogasphere until now. A combination of things first drove me away from posting after January and the longer my absence the harder it seemed to be to return. But I wanted to round up the year as I have done in many years past with a final post before the beginning of a new one. Its no coincidence that I have left that post until the final hours of the year as I continue to put off doing it. As well as the usual end of year post though I also want to start posting again more regular because 2018 will be an eventful year no matter how it pans out.
I try to think back to January and where my head was at. It was a mixed bag. Lots of panic but I had met up with my friends for the first time in around 15 years. Some good and some bad. I was at a stage of limbo where I am still and by that I mean I was at a point where I was starting to entertain the idea of getting back into work but still a long way off doing so. That continued for many months until that decision was taken out of my hands. It was a bit like having learned the theory of how to swim but standing on the edge of the water too scared to put more than a toe in and then out of the blue someone comes up behind and kicks you in with no care as to whether you sink or swim. That person being the DWP, as always.
The latter six months have been hard. I have a friend who know what is truly hard so I cannot really complain as my problems don't even scratch the surface. And a lot of other stuff on top which I'd rather not talk about has arisen at the wrong time to compound things. I won't drag out the saga which is still going on 5 months later but I was basically summoned to a Work Capability Assessment by the DWP which I am still unable to attend. The first time they accepted my reasons for not attending but the second time they didn't and not only stopped my benefit but did so 6 weeks retrospectively. From there I had to make a mandatory appeal which they dragged out (this happens to everyone) and finally rejected my appeal so I was left with no income. It was with great difficulty that I had to apply for JSA and it took a month of building up to that by going into the Job Centre for a few minutes at a time to finally jump through the ropes. The first hour long interview was a nightmare and each time signing on after has been just as bad. It has never gotten any easier. But it was needed to get some kind of income even though my panic has been on the increase again and I am less ready for work now than 6 months ago. And to top it off I got a letter a couple of weeks after first signing on telling me I was not eligible for JSA.
The Job Centre told me to appeal my ESA decision and by doing so I would get my ESA re-instated while I waited for the appeal which could take 4-6 months. All good. I got the council people at Money Matters to handle it again except this time they were not so helpful. It was all a nightmare as they refused to do anything until I went to see them first in the room next to where hearings are heard. So I did it all and called the DWP who said I'd have my ESA re-instated. It was an enormous relief. Or it was for 5 minutes when I got a call from ESA Greenock saying that since I did not attend the assessment I would not get ESA again regardless of my appeal. That about knocked the stuffing out of me. I had to sit for over an hour at Citizen's Advice to see if they could do something but they could do nothing. It turns out because my wife works more that 22 hours a week, just over that, we are not entitled to income based JSA either. So the upshot is that although I still cannot work and am even less able to work because of the process I have had to go through I must find a job or do without any benefit unless I win my appeal which might not happen until June or maybe even later. And in the mean time I have to keep signing on and when I am summoned go to the Job Centre to prove I have been looking for work.
An eventful 2018 lies ahead then for sure. I hope to post more regular as there will no doubt be much to post about. My hope is that I look back on this time and see it was actually a good thing on hindsight and was the event that got me my life back again and able to properly support my family on my own without help. That is the hope. At the moment though I am waking and not getting back to sleep with dread over finances and other things. But as bad as that is there is still another side to it. Even this time last year I could not have seen myself sitting for an hour in the job centre and citizens advice. These things keep me full of adrenaline and therefore more prone to panic but less reluctant to do things that make me panic if that makes sense. We have just been up North for Christmas and I had panic so many times where there was none before but where I would have escaped in the past I now see it out.
Anyway as brief a recap of the past 11 months as I can give and hopefully more to say in the new year. I wish you all a great 2018.
