Nothing to see here

Its been a week since the last drive and will be at least another week before we go anywhere substantial. I blame the weather. Snow, cold temperatures and mainly black ice have been keeping us off the roads. Today though at my request we had to pop out and already I was regretting it. My wife and kids came back 2 nights ago and panic came with them. It first arrived about 4 in the morning out of the blue waking me up and not letting me sleep until 3-4 hours later. And it just keeps coming in various guises. This, I told myself, was just another form. My abdomen felt like it was being ripped from the inside, I was trembling and felt like I was going to be physically sick. I'd asked to be dropped off to go and investigate what could possibly be a mine shaft but now wished to pull out. When I looked up my wife and three kids were dressed for the outdoors and ready to go. I had to go too.

My wife dropped me off close by. The original plan was she would go to the shop down the road and I'd phone to get picked up. The girls were going to come but now didn't want to. My wife decided it would probably be easier to wait. So I got out and took my jangly nerves with me down a path that looked endless. The noise was deafening. So many cars as rush hour approached on the dual carriageway which would soon come to a stop and with it darkness was coming too.



The more I walked the longer it seemed to be. Thoughts of the map had gone and I had no idea in my mental block where this supposed location was. There were no stomach problems or nausea but instead just rising panic as thoughts of distance divided by oxygen filled my mind. And the fact that I was going ever downhill was not lost on me. Going around a bend I saw no end to the road and wondered how far I could go before moving at speed back to the car.

Finally I found a turn off and started walking up the path. A man with a dog passed me and as I looked around I saw nothing but snow and trees. What was a little disorientating was the way the horizon in this woodland was a sheer slope to one side. I could also see paths leading here, there and everywhere like a forest labyrinth and with the thought of getting lost I retreated backwards out feeling a little defeated.



Coming back out on to the main path my internal safety mechanism was telling me it was way past time to go back but I fought the urge and tried to blank out all the swirling thoughts as I made my way further down the path. Fairly soon I found myself approaching Bothwell bridge and with that the knowledge that I had gone way too far. Not only could I not find what I was looking for but I had also walked too far from the car. Wanting to take with me a memory for later of where I had been in the form of an image rather than this unreliable old grey matter I stopped to take some photos. Another man with a dog appeared so I had to wait about for him to go in my paranoia. What really bumped the panic up was the man's smile and a worry inside that he was about to approach me for a chat.

It would have been nice to get some clear photos down here. Just take this sign for example. Once a pristine marker for walkers and cyclists it is now all but unreadable due to the continual passing fumes. I'm sure when driving by here many times there was an old wooden signpost which I wanted to capture but I couldn't find it and besides- it was time to get back to the car as quickly as I could on what little oxygen I had left. Remembering to loosen the body and remembering to regulate the breathing I set off but soon abandoned them in favour of gritted teeth and moving as quickly forward and uphill as I could.

Yet another stupid notion had sent me into one of these mad frenzy states of panic that I so enjoy: was there a mine shaft down here? More disappointment but at least an answer to my question. As I made my way back I looked down to see what I saw on the map. I should know by now, as per my search for the Clyde, that everything on google maps is flat and in reality isn't. Where I thought I just needed to hop over a fence a few yards to have a look I could now see it was a long drop down. Far beyond me at the moment but I could make out a stream running into it. So nothing nearly as romantic as an abandoned old mine shift worth exploring but instead probably a sewer or such like. Ah well, at least it got my out of the house and cured my curiosity.

It did not end there though. I got back to the car after giving my nerves a right good shake up and my wife drove to the shops. Its not one I've been in for a long a time and I pushed the boy in a trolley for a bit but panic kept rising. The aisles were spacious enough but the checkout was completely claustrophobic and a long line had formed about 10 deep at the only till with an assistant. For a few minutes more I tried to stick with it but it got too much and with my eldest daughter I made haste home on foot.

Back home now in safety but I can feel the momentum building. Today was just another couple of episodes to the growing number I have experienced in the past week or so. Its going to be difficult but that is just the way of things. At least now I can recognise it and if I need to not beat myself up for being unable to do the same as I was a few weeks ago. I don't think its coincidental that it comes during a time the kids are at home for two weeks fighting, screaming, shouting, demanding and all else from the crack of dawn when they rise to the wee small hours when they finally drift off. If I can attribute it to that then at least I have a time frame to work to. If not then I'll just have to get on with it.

The Mount

Getting out of the car I was not surprised to see there were a good few people mulling about under the clear blue sky hosting a warm golden sun. The fact that it was winter was lost on me for the time being. Not that many people actually but enough to give the scene movement. There was no parking lot as this was on a green plateau where others had just abandoned their cars haphazardly too like we had all suddenly be called by sirens to the shore and were out of the cars following their song to end the last of the journey on foot. After locking the car I followed the straggling band of tourists along the path where at the end was the promise of beauty- a clifftop view in a setting much like Machu Picchu. We followed the winding ascending path that wrapped itself around the hilltop.

The light and sound changed as the path took us through a woodland which was densely packed with trees on either side reaching high upwards towards the light they were blocking out from us far below. We could hear the rush of water nearby and scuttling creatures out of view, birds chirping and squealing. From vivid summer colours the surrounds had turned a rustic autumnal shade of brown and red. Although I couldn't see it I knew that we were not far from summit. I checked my pocket to ensure my camera was still there. No point coming all this way and not being able to capture it. I am a slave to the assembled assortment of dots that make up an image and why that is I don't know. It seems such a silly pursuit yet it drives me on like no other.

And I had come a long way. The furthest I had been before was where I had now left the car. I'd never walked this far before. This was a sudden realisation or rather I now recalled this fact that I hadn't previously because my mind was on other things. In fact it wasn't my own doing or not a conscious effort at least. For whatever reason my train of thought brought me here as it always does eventually. As far as I can recall now there were no unusual sensations- just a thought. This little seed of doubt. Could I go on? Never mind that, could I now get back to the car? People passed me at a leisurely pace enjoying the walk and oblivious to this stricken soul frozen to the spot. Everything had been OK until one little thought had popped into the head. Things had now changed. I was so near to that place I wanted to be yet I could not go on. It angered me that all these others had not a care and to them this was not a problem but then again only a few moments before I had been one of them. Could I push on? Not a chance. Already I was worrying about how I was going to make it back. That was my number one concern now dwarfing all other thoughts. The fears flooded in and sent me scuttling back to the car as fast as my heavy legs could take me.

It is rare for me to remember a dream so I either don't have many or just don't recall the ones I have. Very occasionally though, at most 4-5 times a year, I have a really vivid one. This one was part of a few I had this morning and the fact that I remembered them so well was probably in no small way down to a very restless night. As I have mentioned before dreams used to be agoraphobia free but now they are not when I remember them. Other parts of this dream had no connection with my current anxious state at all but this one, like so many others in recent years, brought it into play. They all play out the same way. I am somewhere else far from here and feeling so normal that I have no anxiety related concerns. Then suddenly I remember and the world caves in again. Tortured and cursed even outwith this vile realm.

What it means I do not know, if it means anything at all. This weak I got back out driving and we've clocked up 50 miles so far which is good considering we are getting a rather alarming 'ABS fault' message that the garage needs to look into. And I've stepped up the walks once more challenging myself each day and doing new things. After the weekend when we had a full house nearly all day Saturday I have been free of apprehension and it has allowed me to try new things. Even when I push past the normal barriers though the anxiety is still there more intense than ever and I think this dream sequence was part of the week. But it played an even bigger part in today's events, which I will blog about at the weekend, and maybe that was its purpose. When it came to the crux today I remembered this dream which pushed me into a decision I would not normally take.

White Christmas

It is hard to believe there are just 6 days until Christmas. I never feel it anymore. For the agoraphobic shut away from the hordes of shoppers frantically rushing about for last minute gifts Christmas is far away. As are the sounds of Slade, Roy Wood, Mariah Carey and the like that play through the shopping aisles as you push your trolley through the mass of bodies or drunkenly dance with your tie in your back pocket at the office disco. The one indoors is far removed from the spirit of the festive season. Instead, if they are like me, they spend hours online searching for gifts and then waiting patiently for the door to be knocked with their arrival.

This year though I am feeling it more than usual. The weather has played its part for once. Once the past day or so we have had snow. Not a lot but enough to paint the town white and blind us with a brilliant reflection of the low winter sun in all directions. There are footsteps carved in the ground of not only the denizens but dogs, cats and even birds- a new game of foot spotting has resulted on the walks with the kids. It is cold beneath blue sky but there is nothing like wrapping up to go out with the promise of a hot drink or soup on your return.

Equally at night the lights add to the occasion. I'm not used to being out in the car at this time of year so had forgotten what it was like. There seems to be more illuminated houses than I remember. Most are subtle but there are a good few extreme cases which are dazzling. The kids love looking out for them and I feel like a big kid to seeing these things for the first time. And when you see the usual arrays of Santa, reindeer, snowmen and the rest it does add to the effect when the surrounds are peppered with the white of winter.

Last night we drove to Rutherglen which the kids enjoyed. From here to there we pass through the main streets of a number of little towns like my own, Halfway and Cambuslang who all have their own assortment of Christmas lights lining the central road and Christmas trees scattered along the way. Some were better than others with our own town's lighting falling well short of the mark. Without stopping we passed by my wife's aunt's house as a dry run. Next week we will go again and drop off presents. It used to be her gran's house until she died and my wife takes the kids a lot there in the summer as she has a big garden. Afterwards we worked out that the last time I was there was Christmas 2005 when we picked up her aunt to take her to Perth on Christmas Eve with a just a 2 year old girl and little 6 month baby girl in tow. Back then Christmas felt like something special and maybe that feeling is returning. As much as I don't enjoy the company of others I do enjoy the occasion with the present opening, meal, walks down the park and other festivities.

This Christmas for the fourth year in a row though I will be spending it alone. I insist that the kids are in their own beds on Christmas eve so that I am up early to see them awake and then open their presents. After that they will get ready and my wife will whisk them up north for a few days. Maybe that is why I have lost the feeling of Christmas for so long. Up until this year it has been a brief passing moment of a few hours on Christmas day before returning to solitude. This time it has lasted longer and I can only hope that this time next year it is longer still. Maybe I might get in the car to and head up to wonderland with the family.

Homesick footballer

In 6 months time the biggest football tournament on the planet kicks off in South Africa where 32 nations from 6 different confederations. The holders Italy will be looking to defend the cup but to do so they must become the first European nation to win a finals hosted outside of Europe. Brazil and Argentina will provide the biggest competition outside of Europe with England, Portugal, Germany and France providing the biggest competition within. And of course the European Champions Spain. A lot of eyes will be falling on them as they will be one of the favourites. One young man wants to be part of that squad. The management want him to be there. The nation want him to be there. But it looks likely he won't. So much desire on all fronts but even that cocktail of motivation falls short of what is required.

Jesús Navas (González)is an exciting 24 year old football playing for one of Spain's top club sides, Sevilla. He is a troubled soul who has had the world at his feet for a number of years but been held back due to what is termed as chronic homesickness. As a youngster he had to train in Murcia, which is about 500km from Sevilla, and after a few days he suffered from bad anxiety attacks which forced him home. Later with his club he was in Huelva which like Sevilla is in Andalucía and less than 100km away. Here he suffered so bad from anxiety attacks that his father had to come and drive him home. His talent brought attention from Chelsea FC and while Sevilla agreed to sell Navas he refused to go because of his problem. Finally he quit international football which must have been gutting considering his dream was to play for the senior side. There has been a lot of sympathy for the footballer but some of his team mates have not been understanding. Some have even had a go at him in the press. One in particular said he should 'act like a man'.

It makes you wonder though. Here is a man who wants something. Lots of other people want it too. He has the drive and motivation to do it. He has the money to do it. He has the medical help at hand to do being part of a large football club. Every element is there for the best possible chance of a recovery and still he has struggled on unable to overcome his problem. So why not? Personally I think it just goes to show that there is an element that is beyond out control no matter how much we have at our disposal. That element is the fact that there is no definitive path to recovery and these anxiety related conditions are still poorly researched.

Well there is good news. Young Navas made his debut for the Spanish national team in Madrid last month playing 10 minutes. A few days later he played a whole 45 minutes for Spain in Vienna. It would appear that things are going in the right direction but only time will tell whether he will be in South Africa in 6 months time from now. He has at least given himself a chance. I for one hope after all he has been through he finally realises his dream and I hope the rest of us do too.

Castle

Since June I've had 134 drives and covered 1011 miles to date. They vary from a drive to the nursery and back of little under a mile to trips around Lanarkshire covering up to 40 miles. Not bad for someone who for the three and a half years or so before it couldn't even get in a car. BUT...I feel nothing. I feel no more confident and in fact am waiting for it all to crumble again.

On Wednesday we went for a drive during the day. One girl was at school and the other was up at her grandparents 60 mile away so it was me and the boy with my wife driving. We drove through another place nearby and I was surprised to find the localcastle there- not where I thought. Or maybe it as as there are no clear boundaries but regardless we found it. I'd wanted to go there for a while but it looked too far on the map. Yet here we were and had not planned it. It wasn't far at all. The only problem though was that it was nearing time to pick up my daughter from the school- something I have still not attempted but on the 'To do' list. So we had no time to walk down and explore. Instead I got out and took a few photographs. But now that it is so near at hand we will go there soon for a nose around.

When I went to get back in the car my wife suggested I drive back. No chance. I wouldn't even drive this when I was well never mind now in the day time. Already I was feeling anxious being far from home which never leaves. And at this point I had no inkling that I had driven in over 6 weeks. She persisted though and this is where I usually dig in my heels but this time I didn't. Suddenly I thought it wasn't that big a deal. So I got in and drove home. It wasn't too bad. The tension in my body was high as I couldn't relax and I did spend most of the time thought fighting but it wasn't as bad as some drives I've had in the past. As it was a country road I had to keep my whits about me anyway as it was all twists and turns.

So it can be done and on this occasion I did actually need a kick up the backside to get me going. My plan is now not to wait for that little push but to start looking to take that initiative myself. There are times when you just can't do it but as I keep saying to myself there are times when it is possible. These are the times I must recognise for myself and make the most of. I have some plans for next week which involve walks as well as driving. I also want to read up on the castle before I go so I know what I am looking at rather than wandering about a ruin. The driving seems to be taking care of itself. As I said before its the staying out I must work on. The castle could present that opportunity and hopefully that will come next week.

Can't Wait

Lately since I've been out and about more I've noticed the world moves a lot faster than I remember. Everyone is in a hurry and as a result people have become a hell of a lot less accommodating. Today I was taking the boy across the road and we waited for the green man. When he appeared we crossed and as we were halfway across a taxi sped right in front of us. If he had looked and could lip read then his ears would have burned. Instead the looked out the other window and reclined with a yawn- something my brother does when he is lying. A sure sign for me that he just couldn't wait and felt a little embarrassed about doing it. But done it nonetheless.

Its not a single incident. I have lost count of the amount of times I've had to ask school kids to move who when standing in a group see you coming but expect you to walk around them on the grass. The other day I had to push through two women coming the other way who strode side my side. One had a kid in a buggy and the other had two kids in a double buggy. Again they expected me to make way. Three times last week I had to stop at a zebra crossing near the supermarket because cars didn't stop. In fact today I was approaching the same crossing when two lads coming the other way had to stop suddenly as a car sped past their path. I could recite countless cases of ignorance and people who just won't wait.

And to top it off tonight my mum visited. My eldest daughter and I escorted her to the bus stop and waited for 20 minutes in the cold and rain. Finally a bus arrived but it wasn't her one. Then I noticed a bus pull in behind and went to have a look. As a passenger got off I noticed it was her bus so called her over but as I did the bus indicated to pull out. My mum tried to wave him. He saw her, smiled, waved back and drove off. Obviously he was playing catch up but he knew full well it was 40 minutes until the next bus and also saw a small child with her. I was livid but could do nothing as I helplessly watched the bus disappear down the road.

Its not the whole world. You do still find considerate and polite people. But they are the minority. And its not just me it would seem. My wife is in a constant fury when she sees able bodied people stepping out of cars in disabled bays and single drivers coming out of parent and child bays. There are rules but they are pointless when they are not enforced and their are no repercussions. So I suppose that goes for manners too. To me I see a lot of people who don't need to so don't bother. God I'm turning into a grumpy sod!

The visit

My wife's best friend has been and long gone. I'm glad to report the fleas never reared their head but they have since been spotted. It went OK. In fact in meant much the same as last time. There was the initial 20-30 minutes high anxiety to get through on arrival then after that it came in waves. Then the following day again around lunchtime I was hit by sheer panic which was very hard to control, not enjoyable but as I had nowhere to run to had to just put up with.

So while the women went off to Glasgow on the back of a few glasses of white wine to see Will Young at the Armadillo I stayed at home with the 3 kids and a couple of glasses of Rose wine. It was I have to say very nice. The kids were well behaved and enjoyable to look after for a change. The TV was off so I just relaxed.

The following day in the kitchen her friend asked if I'd had a good sleep. No was my reply. Lying on a half blown up mattress feeling every bone in my body grind with every turn only protected by the cold with the cog equivalent of a giant tissue paper did not make for a good sleep. I thought the quilt belonged to us but in fact it was her daughter's summer quilt. No wonder I was bloody freezing while the ladies slept in warmth in the bedroom.

But all good. Though my walks have taken a knock since and I've been feeling a bit rundown. This happened last time too. I guess the tension from a period of constant anxiety is sapping. This is also what happens any time you push yourself. You don't become anxiety free but instead cope with it for a longer spell but your body is still straining all that time. Over time you notice these things and it helps because not knowing is very confusing and frustrating.

The good thing is that I didn't dread this visit like I did last year and when it was over I wasn't wishing the next to be a long way off. It seems we learn all the time. And as off as I feel after it these sensations no longer hold me back. Its been 4 months since a day passed without me going out. Even though I've struggled over the last few days I have still gone out at least once and kept up my walking total for the week of 12km. Even tonight when my wife had to nip around to ASDA the easiest thing for me to do would have been to watch the kids while she went but instead I volunteered to go to and we went as a family.

You see when I can I want to push myself out. Tonight was a little different because usually I have got to be in the right frame of mind. This morning during a coughing fit I pulled a muscle in my neck and its bloody painful. Not only on the right hand side of my neck but the shoulder and pain in the upper right arm. So not the way I would usually go out but I went and I didn't enjoy it one iota. In fact at one stage I started to sweat and go dizzy standing in the queue. Not anxiety but just from the pain. But I did it and to be honest I don't know why because it proved nothing and was of no benefit to anyone. But there was one good thing. On the way home in the car in the dark the Christmas lights in the town were on and the kids enjoyed looking at them in awe. That was good enough to hear their joy, I couldn't turn around, but also my wife remarked that I wouldn't have seen the lights last year. That is true. Not the year before that or the year before that. Some things have changed and have become so commonplace that I have forgotten how hard they once were.

Forced out

My wife already suffers from an inferiority complex of sorts when her friend comes to stay- about once a year. Not that her friend is the type to look down and she knows that but pride has her scrubbing her little flat top to bottom until it sparkles so that when her friend comes from her big house out in the sticks with its multiple rooms and own burn she won't feel so bad. It also must be said that my wife is ultr-hygienic verging on the point of OCD when it comes to cleanliness. That is why I can count on two hands the number of nights the children have not been bathed. It is an overkill and even on those missed nights they were under special circumstances. Tomorrow her friend arrives and the home is infested with fleas. You can imagine her horror. Lets face it regardless of social standing who wants to invite a guest to a house of fleas.

Oh yes, when a young girl woman sat in my living room thanking the wife for taking her cat into our home and watching three young children run about her she neglected to say we were taking on a lot more. After she left we should have noticed that the flea collar and the flea spray that came with his handkerchief on a stick was a good indication. It was only a few days later when my wife noticed all the little blighters while combing him that we finally realised. The pet shop sold her something called 'Frontline' which was hidden in a cabinet like the crown jewels but couldn't be applied for 4 weeks because in between my wife had tried two lots of other sprays without success. So finally when this was applied it did exactly what it said it would and the cat has been flea free since but he's the only thing in the vicinity which is. More spays purchased, lots of hoovering and washing and still they remain. To say I am fuming would not even come close. I bite my lip because whenever I open my mouth it just makes my wife feel guilty. All in all to date we've spent over £100 which could have been put to better use at this time of year.

Yesterday morning I forced myself out in the car with wife driving and boy in the back. Another mission to cleanse the house before we call for an exorcism. I've never been in Hamilton during the day for a long time so it was special milestone for me. While my wife "popped in" to get what she required I followed with the boy. We looked at the fish in the rows of tanks and then had a little peer down at the rabbits as time ticked on. Finally a little agitated I went to find my wife and discovered her in deep conversation with a young shop assistant who obviously knew as much about pest control as I did. Still my wife bought it and we came away with two bombs. More expense and I presumed more futility.

Bombs was about the right description though they were like some kind of firework. We were supposed to vacate the house for 2 hours but there was no way I could manage that amount of time so half an hour would have to do. My wife lit the bombs and as I walked out the door with the boy I had a look back to see funnels of dark grey smoke rising from these things on the floor beginning to fill the air. Thoughts of coming home to blackened home filled my mind as we went to pick up my daughter from nursery. We picked the youngest girl up, got some fuel and then headed out for lunch at McDonalds drive through- a novelty that my daughter enjoyed and my older daughter cursed her for later having missed out.

My wife suggested we eat our food beside Strathclyde Loch to kill some time. I had already killed more than enough time and as hungry as I was knew that if I was to get more anxious I wouldn't be able to eat but I thought I would at least give it a try. Like all of that morning had been it was very uncomfortable. At times I wanted to run and at other times I was fine. We were there for the best part of an hour. I got out for 10 minutes after eating taking photos of swans, geese, birds and anything else I could find. Oh and the water of course but no touching this time as I was frozen. Then the rest of them joined me and we walked about for a bit. It was good.

We decided to go back home through Hamilton again. Having not been there in the city centre during daylight for over 3 years I was going through for a second time that day. We even passed the job centre above where I have been dreading going. Looking at it I still don't fancy it much. Its a bit of a walk, for me, to it from the car and then my the looks of things quite big and imposing inside. Its years since I have been in a job centre. The last I remember of them they were all open plan. Incidentally when I first claimed the job centre was 5 minutes walk away and shortly after I had my big panic attack they closed it down so all about me must travel in to here instead.



Before heading home we went to a cemetery. I go on a site where there is a monthly competition to win a new camera and this months theme is "remember remember". Originally I had ideas of brilliant fireworks and illuminated big wheels and all sorts of eye candy but as I stated in a previous post Firework night didn't turn out like that. Instead I had to go for sparklers with the girls. One of the images had my oldest daughter looking a bit manic so I spruced that up a bit but couldn't get it to work right. I hate low light. So I needed an alternative.

Instead I decided to use remembrance day. I knew there was a local memorial commemorating all of the people who died in the first war and had located it to a cemetery so to kill more time we went there. The memorial is quite magnificent and there were of course a lot of poppy wreaths placed at its foot. The only problem was the lack of sky which was instead just a grey nothingness. By this time the boy had fallen asleep so while my wife watched him I took my daughter for a walk around the headstones. A bit morbid I know but I find them to be beautiful when they are well kept and very peaceful



When we got back indoors the mist was thick. I was choking as I went around the home opening the windows. Two hours of bombs had certainly stolen the breath from our home. Even with the windows open it was so bad that I decided to take the kids out for a walk. The boy was less than impressed with his new hat and refused to move for most the walk but I didn't let it anger me as I usually do. In fact I was quite calm. In all I'd been out for 45 minutes in the morning and then 2 hours shortly after. We'd covered nearly 25 miles which is close to the best we have done at night and to be honest I could have stayed out much longer. Even the walk was fine and again I could have walked more. It was a very good day- the best in fact for a long time. And all because I was forced out the door my little parasites and there may be more to come as they are still not gone. Even as I type my wife has just come in from work and is on her hands and knees inspecting things, tutting and squashing while I start to itch. We now have a vet approved spray to try named RIP. More money and the last resort.

Fireworks Night

Fireworks night? I never know how to refer to it. Over the years at different times and maybe sometimes in the same day its been Fireworks night, Bonfire night and Guy Fawkes night. Not sure what the official one is nor if there is an official term. For this post though I'll refer to it as fireworks night as it is those that we see and hear most of every year as opposed to Guys on the bonfire.

For us it was a letdown this year but I can't blame those around me this time. We just didn't plan well enough. Last year my wife took the kids to a friend's house where they had a small bonfire, fireworks, marshmallows, etc. My wife actually made the guy and before the bonfire was lit my youngest daughter tried to heave it out and then ran away crying when it was set alight. I can understand as it was pretty lifelike made of the kids' old clothes with a hooded top pulled up obscuring the face. I carried it down and it was child size and I'm sure passing motors must have thought I was carrying a child under my arm. Enough to give anyone nightmares.

This year though there were no invitations and the only thing on locally was at the big park which had live music, a large bonfire, a big firework display and lots more. As this was free and bound to be mobbed with only one way in and out we decided not to go- even my wife didn't want to go. Instead we decided to take the kids out the front with some sparklers beneath the myriad of flying rockets and the like that fill our skies every year. We would have bought our own fireworks be we also did that the year before and the kids lost interest very quickly. Then later we would go for a drive to see the surroundings alight from some great vantage points. It seemed a good plan.

The kids enjoyed their sparklers but that was about it. For the half hour we were out you could have counted the fireworks in both hands that we saw. In fact I've heard more tonight. And as we drove out and about there was virtually nothing near while amid the hazy smoke we could sometimes make out the odd one or two. It was a real shame. If only we had thought it through then we should have bought some fireworks anyway. In the car the kids quickly lost interest in looking for any and played a game between themselves while the boy fell asleep. He's ill at the moment and the oldest is still getting over the illness that kept her off school most of the week which didn't help in the cold. Next year though will be different. If I cannot take them somewhere as I do plan to do then I'll put on a show to make up for this disappointment.

The youngest even managed to burn herself by picking up a sparkler after it was out- something we'd warned her time after time about it. In fact I'm starting to wonder about her. In so many ways she is a bright button except when it comes to common sense. The day before I'd taken all three kid around the block and as usual as we walked by the roadside I had to keep a close eye on the boy. I was then distracted by a scream from my youngest daughter and looked up to see her stumble on to the road at a blind bend. It was a real scare as its not busy but vehicles fly around that corner and would not have seen her. Just lucky on this occasion that nothing came around. Still I do not know what happened. She says the wind blew her. After I got her back on to the road I remembered the boy in time to see him trying to step off the pavement on to the road. I was a bag of nerves after it and as I'm the obsessive type kept running the event over and over again in my mind in worst case scenario.

In all the times she has come out with me that was the first time anything like this had happened. Later I took just her around the block and lectured her about the road and why under no circumstances she must step on it. I then took a photo of a reflection in a puddle. She asked what I was doing and I explained about reflections. To my disbelief at the exact same spot she stepped on to the road to look at her reflection in a puddle just as a lorry was coming around. Before I could think I had yanked her back off the road by the hood which gave her enough of a fright to send her into tears. I couldn't believe she had just done it again. Academically she is I think going to do the best out of my three children but I just have to work on those other aspects.

Next up Christmas. That is a time where things won;t go wrong as my wife and kids go up to Perth for a traditional Christmas with my inlaws after they've opened their presents at home. This year has flown by way too quickly. It cold enough for snow so I hope we can have that in December to set the tone.

The end of Halloween?

The girls have been excited about Halloween all week. Mostly I thought it was for their little parties at school and nursery which they enjoyed but it turned out to be more than that. They were looking forward to Halloween itself. I have no idea why and no idea what they were expecting.

When I was a kid we dressed up and were paraded around the doors to tell jokes and collect peanuts, fruit and sweets- sometimes the odd coin. It was very much a community thing. Behind every door that we chapped lay a person we knew and kids would constantly come chapping at our door to. There was a reason to get excited about this. Not now though.

Where I live I have lived for about 8 years, my wife for 13 years. Not once has anyone come guising at our door. I cannot remember a single time and this year was no different. Nor did we have any plans to take the kids out. In some ways that is a pity. Its a tradition that seems to be dying out and the kids will never know it.

Instead my wife made a buffet of assorted Halloween themed treats for the kids. While she did so I took the girls out for a walk telling them that we were going out ghost spotting. What I hoped was to see scream masked clad kids hiding in bushes waiting to pounce or white sheeted ghouls speeding across our line of vision from afar. The moon was big and shifting black clouds help set the scene. In eerie quiet we ventured out.

What we found were groups of kids drinking and smoking on benches. Younger in the precinct shaking a lamp post violently and trying to smash the lights with large stones. Shopping trolleys kicked over and the sound of smashing bottles. Not a costume in sight. Quite depressing.

The kids enjoyed their Halloween buffet though and after we had a laugh bobbing for apples. It reminded me of the days of trying to bite a swinging treacle scone with my hands tied behind my back only to be slapped about the face with it. Fun for the sake of it. The kids at least got something out of the night. When we were getting them ready for bed however I was drawn to raised voices outside and looked out the window to see to boys rolling about the road fighting surrounded by a baying pack.

In this little part of the world at least Halloween has long since died as a custom. I do find that sad. I'm sure though in closer knit communities it still runs strong but not here. I think next year I will put more thought into it. If we can't have it around about us then I will bring it indoors. Maybe some ghost stories by candlelight and more games for the kids to enjoy.

Panic paradox

One thing is for sure and that is that mental ailments are far more complicated to cure than physical ones. There are of course plenty of physical illnesses that are still to be cured after years of trying but those researching have visibility to work with. They can see the problem through their own eyes and collate the data to draw their conclusions. That is not the case with mental problems where every solution hangs on a theory created by the very thing where the problem resides. It is invisible and cannot be scanned or measured. And by that I am not trivialising physical ailments but instead illustrating the complexity in diagnosing and treating problems of the mind.

It is because of this that the road to recovery is a journey of self discovery. Possibly it is a valuable one. People apparently come out the other side stronger for it which I can see. Additionally I can see first hand that you learn so much about yourself, your anatomy, your mind and other deeper things- if that is where your path takes you. For example by the latter I mean you may try yoga, tai chi, meditation, visualisation, relaxation or something alternative that you would never have tried had the problems not occurred. So maybe there is value to be had but in order for that to have any meaning it would have to be viewed after recovery as there is certainly no room for appreciation of this state when you are amid it.

With the time that passes our understanding grows. The more we read, the more we experience and subsequently the more we conclude builds our knowledge base. But that information alone has not as yet led to recovery, in my case any way. Understanding is needed to remove the bewilderment at least and then build a strategy towards some sort of progress or quality of life. I am a great believer in feeding the mind as much information as possible and letting it draw its own conclusions so over the past 3 years or so I have digested as much written material on the subject as I possibly can. That provides one part of understanding. Just as important is our analysis of our own experiences because we all have different ones so must cater for our own situation accordingly.

What I have learned over the past couple of days is that my own progress of late is not actually progress at all. But that is not a bad thing all told. What I have done is increased my present quality of life. By extending my borders I have been able to live out new experiences which have built my confidence and given me something to feel happy about. I won't knock that and I am still very positive about recent times but at the same time I have been deluding myself that I am in some small way making progress with will lead to a long term recovery. In actual fact I am not. Knowing that though is vital because it was the delusion that brought about the intensity of the panic when it arrived yesterday.

Over the past month, or maybe longer, I realise now I have managed to lower my general anxiety. This has allowed me to feel a little more comfortable, at times, when out while also allowing me the confidence to stay out longer and go further than I have before in these past 3 years. That in itself is a great of course and something I must hold on to, cherish even. The new directions I have gone in the last month or so I wouldn't change for the world when the alternative was being stuck indoors. But the triggers are still there to set off panic and when the switch is tripped I still collapse like a house of cards. It is this which curbs progress and the reason why although I am slowly stretching out further I will get to a point where the prison walls are solid again. By not being able to cope with panic when it comes I am vulnerable and no amount of new experiences is ever going to take away that fear because panic will always be waiting in the shadows waiting to strike.

There is only one way to overcome this and that is to experience the panic. That is what I realised yesterday at the nursery when it hit me and I couldn't cope. It was a reminder that no progress has really been made. On the journey to the nursery I was surprisingly calm, so much so that I commented on it to my wife. In the car park I was still very relaxed. But it only took one trigger. One small set of words to push the first domino over. When my wife commented that we were early and would have to wait five minutes I was fine. Each grain of sand that dropped though started to agitate me. Now we were not moving and now I was tuning straight in to that train of fears with no distraction. Now I realised the panic switch had been flicked and knew that there was no way to reverse it. While I tried to forget, distract, avoid and tackle head on the fear continued to build until I was shaking from the neck down pleading with my wife to take me home straight away. From a false sense of security in my relaxed state thinking I was making progress I was given a reminder but from that I have gained more understanding and stripped off the illusion I had created and bought into. As horrible as the experiences are we sometimes need these reminders or at least I did.

That leaves me now to contemplate the problem. In all my living moments there is only one problem and that is panic. My anxiety is a fear of that panic. Without the fear I would not have anxiety problems. Panic is what makes me restless when alone and makes me scared when I venture out the door. Just panic. While I can improve my life to a degree around this problem like I have been doing I am never going to be truly free until I can rid myself of the panic- or of the fear of it. Again both are one in the same and need each other to exist.

This brings me to the paradox. I have gathered enough knowledge and experience to draw the conclusion, as many others have, that we need panic in order to overcome it. Panic will not just go. It is fuelled by our fear of it so while we remain anxious it will strike at will. The only way to overcome it is to experience but at the same time in experiencing it we feed the habit of fear by not being able to cope with it. That is the paradox for us all stuck in the position. There is only one way out and that is to experience panic without fear. As I once read its not a case of hoping panic doesn't come but instead of knowing that it may come but if it does it doesn't matter. And when it doesn't matter it will then lose its power and will eventually go. Our struggle is what keeps it alive. So just how do we get to the stage when it doesn't matter? Now there is the question and an answer I will, for the moment, keep searching for. Until I find it I must concede that it is here to stay and fight it as best as I can. We are told not to struggle which I can see but when you can't accept it is the only way until a solution is found..

Struggling

As I turned the corner my heart sank. The food van came into view but was obscured by a number of bodies. An hour earlier I had been out for a walk and there was only one person being served but I was too out of puff to go over. After a short rest I was ready to get something to eat but now all these people blocked my way. Rather than turn around though I decided to go forth. With each slow step I was taking a large inhalation of breath and then exhaling it as I tried to regulate the irregular. But as I walked amid the tight group of people behind the 6 people waiting to be served my jaw started to quiver like a child who is on the verge of bursting into tears. It was starting. Different from Monday but the panic was coming. This time I wasn't going to make my stand, this time I was mentally off the scene like hare.

Defeated again for the second time in a week I made my way home with my tail between my legs cursing every ounce of my stupid body. I had been taken down there by a daily photography challenge. Its just a fun thing with no prizes but its a good stimulant to getting me out. Today's subject was a hot or cold filled roll. That's why I was there and went away empty handed but the smell of the cooked food also made my little tum feel large and empty so I was all the more annoyed at not being able to fill it and instead had to make do with a couple of bags of crisps.

Since Monday's little panic attack I have been struggling badly and despite trying not to let it hold me back I am getting battered down every time. Its not just queueing but life on the whole which I am finding hard just now. Yes I'm still determined. This is the stage in the past where so many times I have thrown in the towel because it was so hard and felt so futile but regardless of how little I am able to do I am still doing what I can. But it is infuriating that months of 'progress' can mean so little after one episode.

Text books say panic lasts 20-30 minutes, if I remember right, but that is bullshit. Maybe the intense panic lasts that long but the effects of it can last for days or even weeks. Physically since Monday I have been shattered, agitated, weak, stiff, shaky and what not. Even walks around the blocks have been difficult and one yesterday almost had me in a panic because I felt so bad. But I do know it will pass and I just have to keep things ticking over until they do. It is though frustrating.

To be honest I forgot how bad it was. I am sure everyone's experience varies in terms of the sensations they get and the intensity of them but in essence we all know that when putting ourselves through the wringer the problems do not come to an abrupt end when we come out the other side. The effect it can have on us mentally and physically are probably not something the medical profession realise. My mind set has not changed since Monday but my body just isn't working the way it has done for the past few months when I was able to walk x kilometres per day without problems. Now as soon as I am out the door I feel like I am coming to the end of a marathon. When things were going well I promised myself that I would not let bad times hold me back but I forgot just how hard it is when you are in a heightened state of anxiety to do what you were doing when you had less of that. I know what is happening and why it is happening but still it angers me. I know the panic has led to heightened anxiety which is now virtually constant and in turn is leading to tension which is tiring me. The adrenalin is wearing me out and on top of that since this mix is not effecting my sleeping pattern its like one ever increasing snowball effect of physical exhaustion.

There is a rebel within us all though which is what makes acceptance so hard. I know in an hour's time from typing this post I will go down there again because I cannot accept that I cannot walk down road and buy a hot filled roll. If I accept that then I feel I will start to develop a defeatist view that everything is beyond my reach. I guess I just have to balance pushing with being sensible, ie keep trying and walk away if its getting too much rather than allow myself to be thrown about about in the mental maelstrom like a rag doll. If I look through my old posts I will see this has happened before and happier times came later so I just have to weather the storm for now until calm returns.

Cold

For over a week now we having being fighting the growing urge to turn on the heating despite the cold. Not that it is the Antarctic or we cannot afford to have it on any more than anyone else but just on principal. The power companies are a sore point. It is obvious price fixing in which they are holding a nation upside down and shaking out the last of their small change. I have been determined not to give them a penny more than needed. The regulators won't do anything and the government can't do anything. Like with everything else in the UK we are in a sorry state.

My hands have been driving my brain insane with a constant torrent of obsessiveness over colour, sensations and anything else I can get stuck in that old mental spin cycle. Completely irrational and caused by the cold temperatures as I well know but not so easy to stop. Its like a stuck record that gradually grows to irk the hell out of you but you just can't lift the needle. I go through these periods again and again. But still I wouldn't turn the heating on and neither would my wife who is as dogged as me on the matter.

But tonight we finally gave in. The house was just so cold that any movement brought about a whip of cold air and the kids were feeling it too. God it felt great. It made we wonder how we never turned it on sooner but then I had a mental image of the electricity meter spinning away in a blur and some fat cat counting more coins. After a couple of hours we turned the heating back off again with the kids tucked in bed asleep under the covers.

Of course there are people living on the streets who know who what real cold weather feels like through no fault of their own in some cases. There are people who can't afford to feed their children and/or themselves. There are people with a whole host of problems bigger than this but I can't help getting it off my chest. I just get infuriated when I think about what these power giants are getting away with. Its the type of issue that in years gone by would have been the catalyst for a revolution.

Lastly can I just say something about the pic. Of course its a red man at the traffic lights. The phallic addition I didn't notice until later- I didn't add that. Something I would have done as a kid but I have grown out of that stage, possibly. 

Salt and Sauce

"Salt and sauce" I replied in a fluster.

The man behind the counter froze. Maybe the whole chip shop froze. There were a good few people in it, despite what the photo suggests, and as is always the case with hungry humans waiting for their food they were for the most part lost in the their own little worlds staring into nothingness. The left side is fried food- chips, pizza (yes- fried pizza), burgers, sausage, white pudding, black pudding, haggis, fish, etc. The right side is ice cream. Strange combination. And through the back of the right side is are tables- I think. But when I went in there were a few people or maybe it was the narrowness or paranoia. This seemed to wake them up as heads turned in my direction. A sense of deja vu came over me. For the second time in a few days I was getting food and had clumsily made myself the centre of attraction when all I wanted to do was skulk silently in the shadows.

The man behind the counter looked at the bottle of salt in his hand then the bottle of vinegar in his other hand and finally at me. I repeated his actions in reverse. How many times we did this I don't know but it felt like a few and every time I looked at him he looked stunned and speechless. It wasn't the response he was expecting and as a result didn't know how to react. It took time but suddenly I realised my error.

"I mean salt and vinegar" I quickly blurted out.

This brought a smile to his face and a wave of relief as he was able to get on to the job of sprinkling the chips I had ordered. It is a practice he constantly does without thinking like an automaton and by making him think I had stopped in in his tracks. Quite possibly he would have had a meltdown if I hadn't recovered my whits and I'd have had to run out the shop to tiny explosions and wires being catapulted in all directions. But all was OK.

"I don't get out much" I tried to explain.

He didn't hear me. He was now in his own little world smiling to himself and no doubt imagining telling friends later about the strange guy: "I had vinegar in one hand, salt in the other and he asks for salt and sauce" he tells the others shaking his head with a smile as he does so. Such is the monotony of repetitive occupation that it is the littlest changes that have the biggest effect.

It is a strange phenomena in Scotland. I was born in the West where I lived briefly then brought up in the East but now found myself back in the West again. Chip shops in the West provide salt and vinegar whereas in the East they provide salt and sauce- either tomato or brown (not like you get from the supermarket but a watered down version). How that originated I don't know but that is the way it is. Like those other zombies I'd placed my order of two bags of chips and was caught short when asked a further question. I wasn't expected that. I thought it was ask, pay, get and walk. It has been so long since I was in a chip shop I had missed out a step and been rattled by it so much that I blurted out memories of youth.

It was though a good night and a nice change. I decided to go for a drive last night and the family came along as usually. Hunger took me to a chip shop a couple of miles out. It was all about something new. We passed lots of them along the way but I wanted to go to this one and I never told my wife until we got there. I was planning on having something more but seem to have lost a five pound note somewhere so had to settle for chips. With the kids in the car outside the shop my wife and I went in where I was to do the ordering and paying. We then drove back with our prize and the kids had their 'supper' of Chippy Chips. It was nice- daddy driving and daddy buying the chips.

The unusual thing about this place is that although it is a chip shop it is more renowned locally for it's ice cream. Had it been a warm summer night I would have bought the girls one of those but its far from that at the moment. Maybe one night though as a treat. And as I got ready to tuck in to my chips as home I noticed a boast on the box which you can see if you enlarge the image:

'World Record Holders: 12406 fish suppers in 1 day'

All those fish and chips in one day and I'll bet no one asked for sauce. The man behind the counter may have been thinking back as he smiled.

Out of town

A planned drive out of town with the wife driving. Where the job centre is I cannot go to and where I will no doubt be summoned soon. I tried and I got close but could not take the final steps even in the quiet dark of night. With praise and encouragement my wife has been urging me on to that end without any success and to other destinations too. Slowly she has been pushing me on. Still though the run out of town never came.

Last night we went north to a place we have been twice before but since a week has past since my last journey in the car my wife drove. To me the anxiety doesn't matter whether I am a driver or a passenger as its the thought of being so far from that trips the panic switch. But not being at the wheel I can hide behind the camera snapping blurs, lights, darks and colours. So we went out there and parked for 5 minutes before returning home. But when we neared home the SODS had once again got their roadworks out and cut of the path. Panic stations! We would instead have to drive away from home on a long, to me, detour. It was OK though to be honest. And at some point I found myself outside those buildings I have planned so hard to get to and it wasn't as bad as I thought. I found myself also outside the local council buildings, pictured above, which seem to hog the skyline from wherever you look but until this point way off in the distance. Not much in the way of panic and I managed well. It also meant that we had to drive over Bothwell Bridge which should have been exciting but it was not lit up.

My driving circle has expanded quite a bit. I mean it wasn't so long ago I couldn't even face getting in the car. Now I can go as far as 25 miles. Its all still centred around my home but is expanding. The more I can push out the more insignificant the little centre will become, I hope. But I would not have reached any of the points above were it not for my wife so I have so much to thank her for and she gets as big a kick out of each new step as I do. And all the while the kids sit in the back enjoying the night time drives looking forward to their hot chocolate before bed. It has become a real family affair.

Electricty

There was a spark and a loud bang. It lit my dad up causing a shadow of grimacing shock across his face as he jumped back. He was OK though. My legs were shaking and my heart bursting through my chest. It was the last thing I needed. For a moment I thought he'd electrocuted himself. Still it didn't stop him ignoring my advice and trying to continue tampering with the unknown.

It was another incident to add to the collection. Memories of my brother-in-law scaling a roof to climb in a window and open a locked door from the inside to find my impatient dad had already broken the door down. Remembrance of struggling to move a once wobbly wardrobe about the room which my dad had "fixed" and on closer inspection discovering he had nailed it to the floor and wall to secure it. The list is endless.

It wasn't a good night all round. Slowly I have been getting better with people visiting but tonight I found myself on the verge of full panic about 10 minutes after my dad's arrival. It is the worst I have felt in years in this situation. Our electric oven was on its last legs and as luck would have it my sister had a new one in her garage which she had inherited when her father-in-law passed away a year ago. So my dad had brought it through volunteering also to install it. It is a heavy bugger and we had to carry it up the stairs. Not being used to heavy work I think that is what set the panic off as it came shortly after sitting down. As much as I struggled I did get through it. What helped was a distraction.

My dad knows nothing about electrics. The first argument revolved around me insisting that I turned off all the power. He wouldn't have it. Instead he contented himself with removing fuses, applying masking tape and fiddling among bare live wires with a small metal screwdriver. So that is how the mini explosion occurred and how our little screwdriver is now black. You would think that would be enough of a scare to agree with me but not my dad. Only the sockets were to be turned off and still he played about with the wires while I looked on through my fingers awaiting the next blast.

It was an ordeal. About 2 hours in all and then my dad was gone after we'd carried the old oven out. We have a new oven installed but it won't power off. I'm not happy. But my biggest worry is this image I keep getting of faulty wiring and the house burning down. Hopefully in the event that he has done something wrong the trip switches would be as effective as they were when he nearly electrocuted himself. The socket that he was playing with is about hanging off the wall now and he's not sure that he put the wires back where they were. In fact I know he hasn't because the socket is constantly on and I worry that there are bare wires behind it waiting to meet. It was a nightmare and continues to be so.

Tomorrow morning my wife's friend is coming to have a look as he is an electrician. Only then will my mind be at rest as I know I'll get no sleep tonight.

Stream

I said I would go back and today I did. Again in the quiet woodland I was at the stream and this time I crouched down putting my fingers in the cold flow. It was a nice feeling. The movement of water like the cycle of life. Where you put your hand is always the present and always changing.

For what ever reason this time around I was not as calm as before but it was still OK despite eventually having to fight panic all the way back to the car. Confidence and well being I have found have a big part to play. For me, and for others, the balance is very fragile and can be tipped over with the slightest sensation which reverberates for some time after. After a long period of confidence it is now like thin glass so I must just be sensible and protect it as best as I can to let it grow stronger again. But it won't stop me trying to find enjoyment where I can within my small confines which are ever expanding of late.

For over three years I could not see a way down here and today I was standing taking photographs of tourists with their own cameras as mementos of their visit. Oceans crossed yet they stood relaxed while the guy who had leaped a stone's throw was shaking like a leaf. This is life for now but it still felt good to be among it rather than watching from afar. And when these situations become mundane and anxiety free I will know it is time to get out the binoculars, stand on high and scout beyond the horizon. For now though I am content to have dreams of the stream in the quiet woodland.

Seek

I know I am in danger of repeating myself here but just thinking out loud as it were. No matter what I do it always comes back to this and just when I think I have come to a conclusion I am soon confused again. It is the internal battle that keeps raging and one that people with any anxiety problems, even without it being a disorder, know about.

I was reading something today about panic attacks and a proposed solution to overcoming them. The technique itself is quite familiar and nothing new. When panic begins to intensify we are to accept and become an observer. Where this technique varies from most is that at the point where we feel we are going to lose control we must ask for more. Here we do not take an aggressive stance but instead invite the sensations to intensify and befriend fear without making it a confrontation. In doing this apparently we defuse the intensity of the fear as it cannot give us more. We reveal that it was all a hoax and there is nothing to fear. In fact we learn that we are the ones who decide to have panic attacks. It is our reaction to the initial sensations which everyone experiences which causes a panic attack and with our reaction of fear we make the choice to panic. Simply put the difference between someone who has a panic (or anxiety) disorder and someone who does not is that the former fears the sensations and the latter does not.

All very interesting but not anything new if you have read most of the anxiety/panic literature around. What I did find interesting was the employment of this strategy. We are not to wait for panic to come but instead actively go looking for it every day. I can't help thinking of the biblical quote "seek and you shall find". But that is the point. In order to overcome panic we are too experience it as often as possible which we are told will give us a feeling of empowerment. Armed with the knowledge that a panic attack cannot harm us and as horrible as the sensations are we take this method with us and defuse the panic bomb each time we track it down. Repetition of this will ensure the habit of panic no longer longer mattering and so as a result occurring less frequently until not at all. Additionally when trying to find panic we will, it is said, find it hard to find.

So am I ready to go seeking? To be honest I am not at the moment. At the moment I am making slow progress but still skirting around panic and trying not to induce it. When it rears I fight and hope it will allow me to keep making little movements forward. This progress though is fragile, very fragile. It grows slowly but is made of paper thin glass and every time panic appears from nowhere and screams "boo" it feels like the glass will shatter. Everything hangs on that moment. Months of building confidence smashed in a single instance.

Doubt still clouds my mind. I have to balance what I must take as blind faith in the words of others over my own experience no matter how many others have arrived at the same conclusion. And I know people say life is passing me by but a life of mental suffering, which is my experience with panic, in constantly panicking is in my opinion a tad less appealing than slowly trying to build confidence without the panic. It is restricted living but livable. God its all so confusing. All the advice points to seeing panic and enduring it but experience, which our emotions are effected by, conflict with that advice. It is difficult to override the uncertainty. I mean what if I am different. What if I am not going to recover in this way and instead just make life hell for myself and go backwards until I am afraid to get out of bed again? They say it will work but why was it never worked in the past and all I have gotten out of it is pain and lost days?

What I have been looking for is peace. I have been reaching out for a place of comfort and relaxation free of angst and terror. Everywhere I look people are pointing to the same place and the only road passes through dear Hades which I've visited many times and have the mental scorch marks to prove it. I just don't know. My opinion on whether enduring a panic attack is for me is constantly banging in my head between right and wrong to the point where it is starting to agitate me. For now I continue to struggle with the choice between seeking solace which my mind demands or seeking the misery that I am told will lead to the other in the long term. Presently and continually I stay in the safety of the shadows sometimes getting closer to peer in and then running away quickly back in to the dark that has become my life.

238857

Sometimes I question my sanity and at other times I question my common sense. Last night there was a beautiful half moon near dark. Well beautiful to the naked eye anyway. For all I love my camera the zoom is not great and the moon was tiny through it. So I thought I would get closer to it by walking up the top of my street to get a clearer photograph. At first I was bemused as to why it was no clearer. Possibly it was because although I had walked about 0.2 miles the moon was still 238,857 miles away. ;)

The Keys

Days, at times, now differ as I try to move out of my comfort zone. Variety brings new challenges. Some good, some bad and some bizarre. Today was one of the strangest. I had my camera in my pocket and pondered for a moment whether I should crouch down to take a photograph of the scene I had found myself in but I didn't. More pressing matters took precedence. I was standing in the middle of a busy roundabout surrounded by streams of cars moving on and off at speed. All the while I was spinning this way and that looking for an opening in the traffic which just was not coming. You see my keys were on the road and I desperately needed them. They were in sight but out of reach.

Normally I'm pretty edgy anyway but here I felt like I was suffocating and my legs were shaking. If I did not get my keys back I could not get back into the house and if I could not get back into the house I would go insane. What didn't help either was that this particular panto was being played out in the full glare of many bemused motorists who must have been worried what I was going to do. It was these kind of thoughts that were plaguing me and fuelling the fear as soon as I realised the ramifications of not having my house keys. All the while my wife was in the car park with the kids. She became impatient and joined me in the middle of the road as we both looked to play chicken with the speeding traffic. Later she told me she was shaking too so not that daft a reaction after all. It was she though who a driver saw and flashed her to get on the road for the keys. Scary stuff but relief in the end. And I might add something that we had a right good laugh about afterwards which released pent up tension.

Earlier my wife had to go to Focus to get some plants and I decided I would go with her. The good thing was that should I have felt the need it was walkable back home. So we drove down, went in, browsed about and came back out with the two kids. It was good. Quite a bit of anxiety and it didn't help for the most part that I was carrying the boy but at times enjoyable. At one point I lost myself in the garden attempting to snap a bee but came back with about 20 out of focus photos- fun trying though. And the good thing about that was that I was so involved in it I was unaware whether there was anyone else around me.

When we came out we put the kids in the car. While I put the boy in I left my car keys, which also has my house keys, on the roof. As I was adjusting the boy's seat I heard my wife clamber over and take the keys off the roof before getting in and starting the engine. So we were then off home. Going around the roundabout my wife heard a noise and I said it was probably just the plants moving around in the boot. Then when we got home I discovered that my wife was in fact using the other set of car keys and had not taken the keys off the roof as I thought. For once we shared the panic as we dashed back in the car and tried to locate the missing keys. And there they were on the road at the roundabout where countless vehicles were running over them.

A bit of an unusual day but a welcome break from the monotony. It has given me the appetite to get out somewhere tomorrow again during the day. More so since the dual carriageway will be closed this week again so day time seems as good as any for a drive.

On the trail

I was there and yet not there. Seeing something for so long and finally in that moment can do that. Waiting for so long with little hope to find yourself arrived has an unreal feeling to it. In fact I'd gone beyond what I'd hoped for. In a small woodland where lies a beautiful nature trail I stood at a tiny bridge watching the stream rush. The noise was astounding. The water echoed within the close confines of the tree. But for the whether I could have been on another continent rather than just over a mile from home. My only regret is that I forgot to put my hand in the water. Alone with no one to bother me and at one some what with nature in its sights and sounds all I had to do was put my hand in the crystal clear cold. Never mind I will do it next time.

I'd actually come for the above, that is down to the David Livingstone centre. The brilliant bronze monument to the explorer was what I wanted to photograph and finally today I managed it. I went in the car for the first time down there during the day fighting anxiety all the way with my wife driving and my son in the back with the daughters at school and nursery. I fought the urge to turn back as we sat in the car park, fought the urge to run back to the car when we were out and finally all seemed tranquil as I relaxed. I had my snap in the bag but we ventured further through droplets of rain.

Now that the boy can walk we allowed him to take the lead as my wife and I walked down to the Globe Fountain. It would be beautiful if the water did not look like a sewer- possibly something to do with cutbacks after the recent threat of closure. Unfortunately also the fountain was not on which was a pity but again probably cost cutting. Nice all the same.

Then I went a-wandering along the nature trail on my own my my wife looked after the boy, as described above. It was so peaceful I could have stayed there for longer and hopefully some time in the future will. A couple of momentary dizzy moments apart I had no anxiety and felt very relaxed. My wife also enjoyed it and the boy made his feelings known with a constant volley of happy shouting. Afterwards we drove to the nursery and picked up my daughter which topped off a perfect afternoon. Not one of the better days, the best day in a long while. I'm tired now but also content. Below are a couple of more photos from the nature trail which I hope to find out more about on a second visit and venture further in too as I only skimmed the top.