Train Crash

I started my fifth year of high school alone while my friends threw themselves into the big bad world of shitty labour for pennies but my academic interest was lost very quickly. It was all down to the subjects I had chosen. There was no thought put into it and instead I picked them on a whim. It was "put the tail on the donkey". Can't believe I was so bad looking back. Why the hell did I choose Social Studies over History, maybe Mr Bruce of the unique tie notoriety who hated me with a passion- to be fair he wasn't the only one so I was obviously doing something wrong. Economics, why?, for example bored me to tears and I knew I had to get out of the whole thing. So by chance speaking to a counsellor there was a YTS course as a trainee accountant that came along. I jumped at the chance.

It was soul destroying to be honest. For the first 4 months I had to travel in and out of Glasgow. I got the bus at 6:45 each morning and got back at 18:30. All for £28.50 a week. In truth I made nearly as much on expenses. In all I got just over £30 in travelling expenses by claiming to get 2 single train tickets each day at £3 each- they never asked for evidence. Instead I bought a weekly bus pass every Monday morning for £8.

I then got placed in Edinburgh. Within 3 months I was doing full sets of accounts and my time was being charged out at £10 an hour, while the accounts firm paid nothing, as the qualified ones sat back on their laurels getting me to run errands across town and make the tea and that sort of thing. Hey I don't mind starting at the bottom but for pennies? I didn't even question it though because I thought that is what you did and then found old school friends in the put telling me how they were on £250 a week working on an assembly line. But back to the accountants. I would have to sit each Friday afternoon and forcibly fill out a sheet charging my time for every moment I was there in 15 minute boxes so they could earn the maximum possible from me. Even if I was doing nothing I was told to say I was arranging files and pick a client at random to charge to. I became completely disillusioned with the whole thing so decided it was time to move on. My life was all work and I was getting nothing in return. I was even shoved into the face of rabid clients by these low lifes to justify my costs which looking back is unbelievable and was at the time so hard because I was on the client's side.

In this period I applied for a number of jobs so varied you would not believe. I still didn't know what I wanted to do with my life and to be honest I wasn't putting the effort into thinking about it- see earlier school reference. Instead as always I just chased things on a whim because they sounded better at that  moment in time.

One such job was with the MOD. Again a trainee but much better pay. The job itself was an electronic engineer and required being based in England for 4 years. It sounded good to me as I wanted to get away. At the time I also had applied for the RAF, Navy and Royal Marines- those are other stories for another day. Though have to say the Marines was a laugh. Couldn't do the pull ups and was told to try the territorials first. The Navy was doomed from the start: What's your name? Full Name? Well I don't want your f***ing nickname you little p***k. Oh dear.

A letter arrived asking me to come for an exam which would take place in Glasgow so I went. After getting the bus into Glasgow I had to then go the the station to get the train out to Springburn college. My arrival in Glasgow was too early so I had to kill a few hours in shops browsing and then at the last moment realised I was running late so had to dash for the train. I caught it and no more just as it was getting set to depart but as such I had to get in the last carriage. It was not that busy inside but I took the furthest most seat at the back.

The train went on its way. I sat staring out the window with my back to everyone else in the carriage lost in my own thoughts. Probably I was thinking about the examination not knowing what it would entail. Then I was suddenly pulled out of my daydreaming by the high pitched screech of metal on metal as the train began to shudder. It was breaking but then the most almighty thump jolted the carriage and my head was thrown backward. That was a shock and it was like everything moved in slow motion. I saw a seat fly by by. Then silence. I looked around to see a woman with a big cut down her face bleeding from the nose crying and a man with a large exposed cut on his leg where the trousers had been ripped away. I heard voices but they were incoherent. For some stupid reason I thought we had been hijacked like the old westerns and someone was going to come on hidden my a handkerchief demanding all watches and jewellery be placed in a bag like modern day highway men. I was though unharmed but the following day I could not move my neck for the whiplash.

All the was in front of me was a door. It opened and out stumbled a second driver clutching his ribs and moaning. He started to make his way to the front realising no one was interested in his moans. Then we all sort of assembled and mulled about the carriage not speaking. One guy tried to open the doors but they wouldn't open. I remember some faces at the door a little time later and then they opened to allow us to spill out. I jumped on to the muddy footing below and walked over to something a few people were sitting on- cannot remember what. I sat there too. And it was only then when I looked at the length of the train I saw the severity of the situation. There was another train and at the front of both where they had met head on the front carriage of one train was on top of the other.

Strangely now I cannot remember if it was the front carriage of my train that was under or over the other. I cannot remember if the two people killed in the Bellgrove crash were on my train. In fact alot of it is misty now. What I do remember is being taken to a nearby community centre for questioning by police walking up a steep hill to get there in a line while being plagued by reporters wanting a story. And then after being taken in a police van to the bus station in Glasgow and dumped there. It took over an hour to get home and it was surreal thinking on what had happened while everyone else got on with their normal lives. I remember a flurry of mail arriving for me from various lawyers I never contacted asking to represent my claim against the railway provider- I never did claim. I remember the police arriving at my house one day to take another statement getting my to show them where I was sitting on a plan of the train and then taking away my only evidence for their own- my ticket which I had kept as a memento.

It was all very bizarre at the time. No one seemed to bother that I was in a train crash and people had died. Probably because apart from a stiff neck I was fine. But I sometimes wonder as I did then that had I not been running late and had instead arrived early for the train would I have sat at the front and felt the full force of the collision. I didn't but I do wonder sometimes.

Heaven

Today my oldest daughter sat on her mum's lap. And she said "Mummy. See when its time for you to go to heaven will you wait for me?". My wife smiled and said "Of course I will honey". My daughter smiled and cuddled into her mum.

Vertigo

"Men asleep on a girder" by Charles C. Ebbets is a photograph that has always fascinated me- in the same way as the more famous "Lunchtime atop a skyscraper" by the same photographer. It is amazing. I just cannot get my head around it at all. Here is me sitting at home letting fear keep me from walking a mile without running home in fright and I look at these guys lying on a strip of metal hundreds of feet up in the air. No safety net. One wrong move and they are dead.

I think it says a,lot about thought. What were they thinking? Well I'm sure it wasn't fear or they wouldn't be able to be there in the first place. I'm sure also they didn't play out in their heads what could go wrong or that would have stopped them doing it too. They just got on with it regardless of the obvious danger.

I don't have to do it. I couldn't do it. Yet looking at the photographs tonight I just can't help playing out all the "what if" scenarios. What if you got up and felt really faint? What if you went to work that morning with an ear infection and suddenly your balance went? What if you had a bad cough and went into a fit? What if someone pulled you by error and knocked you off balance? So much to do with equilibrium and so many horrible scenarios you could think up if you gave it enough thought- which I am certainly doing.

I was thinking other day about something really stupid I did in my late teens- standing on the railing of a balcony seven floors up in a hotel in Spain and the look of alarm on my friend's face as he tried to get me to come done- didn't speak to me for a few days after he was so pissed off. And to add to that while we were on holiday we were told someone had been mucking about on a balcony, fallen and died- another stupid tourist. So I have known how exhilarating it can be to face that sort of danger- though on a much lesser scale. My mind has changed though. When I was young, single and carefree without worry of consequence unlike now I could probably have done that. But surely those guys were not all young and single. It all comes down to mindset.

I'm not sure what point I am trying to make here but I suppose like the film "Unbreakable" there are opposite sides of the spectrum with everything. Whether it be good versus evil, unbreakable versus fragile or anxiety versus fearlessness there are always extremes on both side. These guys are my extreme and at the same time they are the kind of people I would most like to be. They are my Nemesis I suppose and yes I am jealous of them.

Look, the snow is falling

What a pleasant surprise to come into the living room this morning and find the world  all was white outside. I never thought the snow would stay after it hit the earth here last night but it has. While the rest of the country grinds to a halt and curses the weather I am in my element. The boy has never seen it and youngest girl is too young to remember the last time. So it was out we went for a 15 minute jaunt.

I should firstly say youngest girl was not at nursery today as she is not well. Last night the boy finally went to sleep after a long wait and by midnight the girl's screams started. She would not be cuddled or comforted. Down below she was in pain and her ear hurt too. My wife applied cream, then removed it. Medicine was had but she would not stop crying.

I should also say that had this been one of the other children then the screaming was such that I would have called for an ambulance but not her. She is the exact same way getting her hair dried or dropping a bit of cereal on her pyjamas. Over sensitive to the extreme but still in pain nonetheless.

This morning my wife took her and the boy, who is coughing and bunged up, to the child clinic. Nothing was required for the boy but the girl got antibiotics for the ear infection and more cream for what the doctor believes to be thrush due to being run down. Hopefully that will give her a more peaceful night- and us. That sounds selfish but really you have to be here and endure the screaming and be tired and helpless to appreciate it.

So no nursery and a great opportunity to do something together so after much coaxing I finally got her out the door and out for a walk. It was not a long walk in terms of distance, just around the block, but decent in terms of time out, 15 minutes. By which time she was complaining of the cold and with a screaming match brewing I got her quickly indoors again. But such a happy relaxing time. I love the snow. It makes me feel so alive for some reason.