Unendurable

It's taken me a while and much longer than I remember it but finally I am nearing the end of "1984" by George Orwell. My first book in a long while and hopefully the start of getting back into reading again. My kindle tells me I am 91% complete so not long now. I have just gotten to a bit which really struck a chord with me...

"'Do you remember,' said O'brien, 'the moment of panic that used to occur in your dreams? There was a wall of blackness in front of you, and a roaring in your ears. There was something terrible on the other side of the wall. You knew that you knew what it was, but you dared not drag it into the open.'"

That feels about right sometimes. I do feel there is something at the other side of my wall causing the panic. I think I know what it is but don't at the same time because I have buried it so well I cannot remember. There is something there though. Its not visible. Its there. I think I do fear exposing it. And that led me to another paragraph shortly after.

"'By itself,' he said, 'pain is not always enough. There are occasions when a human being will stand out against pain, even to the point of death. But for everyone there is something unendurable - something that cannot be contemplated. Courage and cowardice are not involved.'"

In the story Winston Smith has been broken by torture and interrogation but still there is a tiny part unbreakable by force alone. This is the final method to completely break the spirit. And that is important here. We all do have something we just cannot contemplate facing. The force of that cannot be put into words. It's just something there inside us. A door we keep closed. And this is the thing most self therapy books I have read don't get. I know opening that door won't kill me. You know that. We do not think this will physically harm us or threaten our mortality. It is just something we feel unable to face. As said by Orwell the ability to face that does not come down to an overabundance of courage versus lack of it. Its something we just cannot handle regardless of how stupid it would appear to others. And this last part is what empowers it further because even if someone says they understand they don't. Even if they show support you know deep down they don't mean it. It's an anomaly that is as hard to pin down as it is to describe but it is very much a personal event. 

Friends

 

I have one friend in particular, who strangely is not in the above lineup despite being part of that lot, who reaches out now and again. He has done for years. I do feel blessed to have good friends despite not seeing them often. This one though goes above and beyond despite being a very popular guy with a huge group of friends in all walks of life. He contacted me out the blue today just to see how things were going. That is the kind of guy he is.

I'm also lucky in that despite heading to my 50th at the end of the year all my friends are still around. One nearly wasnt and he is pictured above. Thankfully despite small odds he pulled through his particular illness and appears to be on the mend. He is the oldest and has has his landmark birthday. I'm second in line. I do hope at some point we can all meet up. I do miss it but did get a taste a few years ago. 

Woodland Art

  

I was lying back in a t-shirt and shorts reading a book ear;ier today when the younger two came home from school. The older one went straight to her room without saying much if anything in the passing. The boy though asked if it was OK to go out later. Sure, are you meeting with friends? No it turns out. Instead he was going alone down the park to look for inspiration for a vaguely themed art project thrust upon him that day. A bit poor in my opinion given he had been at school all day. So I said I'd help him out. There was nothing to be gained down the park. Woodlands were better even if I wasn't sure what it was he needed. Other people had done designs with sticks and stones. That was a start.

Half an hour later we were in the woods. Ideally the dog would have been running around but he would not budge out the street. There was something good about it though. Rather than sitting at home I was out helping my son with school work. I found some reeds and rocks and let the boy do the rest. I am still not sure what the point of it was but it got us out at least. 

Weir

 

A weir is, I believe, similar to a dam except that instead of blocking the water completely from flowing it allows flow over its top. The river keeps flowing but its flow is controlled rather than natural. This one above is one I have seem many times from up on the bridge but never given it much thought until yesterday. Apparently swimming in a weir is dangerous yet I see kids swimming there every summer. That I'd imagine is the least of their worries given the colour and smell of it and the fact there is a sewage works quarter of a mile upstream. It's a place though people tend to stop and view while crossing the bridge. Often a heron can be spotted lingering. Ive seen the odd cormorant too. Further downstream I even seen an otter one year. At the right time of year large splashes of salmon landing can be heard. There is a calmness to the flow. Not as calming as the ocean waves but a little break from the concrete and metal surrounds.

I mention it because I was down here yesterday for the first time in a while. I've decided that if I am going to walk every day then I need to vary the walks or I will lose interest to boredom. I nearly didn't. It was about 11 in the morning when I headed down and going towards the woodland that would take me down I was on a collision course with 4 guys. I slowed but they stopped and in doing so all 4 pulled out bottles of Buckfast. So I walked again and they walked too. They were getting louder and I could see although all 4 were drunk their bottles were newly opened. They had probably bought them, headed down the woods and could not wait. It put me off. The woods are getting darker with people this last year or so and I find myself avoiding them more. 

In the end I went a different way and was glad I did. After getting uptight this helped unwind me a little. It makes me more determined also to get better soon even though I can't force that. I now long badly for the coast. I'd like to see the sea again soon. 

Vote cast

  

I do always leave it until the last minute but finally yesterday I posted my vote. Its done. Not that it matters really in the grand scheme of things. The SNP will still rule the roost when it's all over due to the unionist vote being split and just as divided down the middle the Scottish people will remain. One thing it is sure to do is open up those old wounds from 7 years and begin in a period of hate and fall outs among friends and family. Let the fun begin.

I am of course talking about the Scottish elections. For years I didn't vote but as I overcame my agoraphobia I did vote a few times. This time however it is a sign of how things are at the minute that I have had to cast my vote by post. I have now done so as I said. And as I also said about its just division upon division everywhere you look except for the SNP who have their own fan club that never wavers. They are no bigger in numbers than the non-SNP voters but they are not divided so they always win.  What is the point really? 

That said tomorrow I will no doubt end up watching the declarations as I usually do and although I usually set out to watch it all I end up turning off when a sea of yellow fills the map of Scotland. Drug death capital of Europe. Scandal in Parliament. The exam fiasco which was overturned by the youth. Covid positive sufferers put into care homes at the cost of many lives. I see the appeal. But it's a democracy of course. I accept that- though I wish others would have accepted that in 2014. Its clear the government will continue for a 4th term and whether that is with a majority or with its environmental wing (Scottish greens) in its back pocket is irrelevant. Its only about breaking up the UK and unfortunately half of Scotland want to do that regardless of what that means. There is more than a tinge of inevitability about that unfortunately.