335 Boiler

 

" Boiler "

One job today. A short job at that. Never goes that way though does it? In these great times instead of sitting trying to work out a set of instructions you can go on to YouTube and usually see the process done for you. And that was the case here. As luck would have it I found a video with the exact same boiler as ours which has been clunking away given the pressure is low. Straight forward. There is a filling key attached below, insert it, turn to lock and then turn another valve to increase the pressure to 1.5. Simples. My only concern was the line about some water may come out which is normal but if more than normal comes out then the valve may not be tight. Too many times I have found myself in a bad scenario.

Anyway I followed the instructions but the key did not insert fully. It slipped in effortlessly for the guy in the video. It would need some grunting from me but that could also cause a bigger problem. I searched online to find that is a common problem. O e guy I read about did manage to force it with brute strength but water then kept dripping. A big sigh. Will have to leave that alone and add it to the list of unfinished jobs. I don't know why these things are so complicated as I am sure with our last boiler you just turned a valve and that was that. Will have to leave it to a professional who will no doubt charge a fortune to turn a key. 

334 Meander

 

" Meander "

Today I went for a bit of a meander through town for my walk which I have not done for a while. I was pleasantly surprised to find it alive. More alive than I ever imagined. I've not really been keeping up with what the latest rules are so didn't realise people were now drinking indoors. Ironic that given the beautiful weather. I passed man beer gardens, pubs and restaurants because although this is a small town it does seem to have more than its fair share of these things. Mind you I grew up in a new town where it was a lot sparser so that may be why.

It was good to hear happiness. People did seem to be enjoying themselves and maybe rightly so after being locked up so long. Later I saw photos of busy beaches. I heard on the radio traffic was jammed on that crappy road in and out of Loch Lomond. Everyone out and about which is good but my concern is how that will affect the infection rate. Glasgow City, which borders me, is still a tier higher than the rest and these borders are virtual. Half of the vaccines there for under 40s were not taken up at the centre. If only. I could have still went on the train there like a few years ago to the ssec then I could have got a jag there as they were allowing a drop in for the unused doses. Not to be but in time it will get better I am sure. 

Unendurable

It's taken me a while and much longer than I remember it but finally I am nearing the end of "1984" by George Orwell. My first book in a long while and hopefully the start of getting back into reading again. My kindle tells me I am 91% complete so not long now. I have just gotten to a bit which really struck a chord with me...

"'Do you remember,' said O'brien, 'the moment of panic that used to occur in your dreams? There was a wall of blackness in front of you, and a roaring in your ears. There was something terrible on the other side of the wall. You knew that you knew what it was, but you dared not drag it into the open.'"

That feels about right sometimes. I do feel there is something at the other side of my wall causing the panic. I think I know what it is but don't at the same time because I have buried it so well I cannot remember. There is something there though. Its not visible. Its there. I think I do fear exposing it. And that led me to another paragraph shortly after.

"'By itself,' he said, 'pain is not always enough. There are occasions when a human being will stand out against pain, even to the point of death. But for everyone there is something unendurable - something that cannot be contemplated. Courage and cowardice are not involved.'"

In the story Winston Smith has been broken by torture and interrogation but still there is a tiny part unbreakable by force alone. This is the final method to completely break the spirit. And that is important here. We all do have something we just cannot contemplate facing. The force of that cannot be put into words. It's just something there inside us. A door we keep closed. And this is the thing most self therapy books I have read don't get. I know opening that door won't kill me. You know that. We do not think this will physically harm us or threaten our mortality. It is just something we feel unable to face. As said by Orwell the ability to face that does not come down to an overabundance of courage versus lack of it. Its something we just cannot handle regardless of how stupid it would appear to others. And this last part is what empowers it further because even if someone says they understand they don't. Even if they show support you know deep down they don't mean it. It's an anomaly that is as hard to pin down as it is to describe but it is very much a personal event. 

330 Detour

 

" Detour "

I do like when things go better than expected. I put that partly down to planning paying off so I am glad of that. Embarking on another attempt at recovery I have scaled down the walking part as I said previously to walking 5 days a week rather than all 7. For the first 2 weeks I have seen the benefits. This week more so. The plan is walking Monday to Friday with the weekend off to recharge. Yesterday however I couldn't get out. My wife and oldest were away all weekend returning lady night. Other two at school. Dog unwilling to go past the end of street. And to boot the boy ordered a new controller for his games console and I had to wait in for that. It was supposed to come Thursday but I hot an alert on the afternoon saying it would arrive thst night.

I was already a little concerned about having two days off as it meant losing moment so I was less than happy about having three days off. It was though needed. It means a walk on Saturday and only one day off before the next block but that is OK. Better that than starting over because I cannot keep up. With that layoff I expected today to be hard. It wasn't. It was possibly the best so far. I did a circuit that I plan once a week then took a detour on top to go through woodland I had not passed through in a couple of years. Not entirely comfortable which I expected but even less so when I remembered a story about a group of people living down that way. No dramas though.

It felt like another small step forward in the right direction. Any deviation from the norm is a good sign. Managing to stick to a route is a push so adding to it on any given day is the mutation required for different outcomes long term. The break in between is definitely helping. 

328 Alert

 

" Alert "

That feeling of dread when something unexpected and unexplained happens. In my case an alert. An alert on my phone. Instagram: "Scott has replied to your story". What story? What reply? Cold sweat of fear. I left it alone for a minute then felt compelled to move. First the message. I should say it was a friend at least not a stranger. It read simply: coiffured. So I looked. And there was a story posted by me. Dread on opening revealed just a selfie. Something I never post on social media.

It turns out that when the night before I'd been looking through some photos on Instagram I'd inadvertently posted a story. It all came back. I went to click on something to change the page or exit and instead got the camera. With it we're lots of filters I'd never seen before so out of curiosity I tried some of them out. At some point I must have shared one as a story by mistake. Today I quickly deleted it. No harm done, could have been worse. Lesson learned. 

Friends

 

I have one friend in particular, who strangely is not in the above lineup despite being part of that lot, who reaches out now and again. He has done for years. I do feel blessed to have good friends despite not seeing them often. This one though goes above and beyond despite being a very popular guy with a huge group of friends in all walks of life. He contacted me out the blue today just to see how things were going. That is the kind of guy he is.

I'm also lucky in that despite heading to my 50th at the end of the year all my friends are still around. One nearly wasnt and he is pictured above. Thankfully despite small odds he pulled through his particular illness and appears to be on the mend. He is the oldest and has has his landmark birthday. I'm second in line. I do hope at some point we can all meet up. I do miss it but did get a taste a few years ago. 

326 Messages

 

" Messages "

It's strange the things that can spark memories and even crossover in places. Many moons ago I worked with a guy who was English and struggled to come to terms with some of the Scottish every day language. He comes to mind now and again because last I heard he was working for Caterpillar in Australia. Just by chance my walks take me by a Caterpillar plant near home and that sparks that memory. I'm not sure if he is there still. I left Facebook about 4 years ago and at that timd as well as having just come through a very horrendous time he was also engaged to be married. But I left Facebook and left all the people on it so those old memories still feel current. 

Anyway the other day I heard a Scottish musician refer to someone as having a head "like a bag of messages". Outside of Scotland that doesn't make sense. That took me back to my old colleague. The term "messages" annoyed him. He was staying with a couple for a bit and the woman asked if he could "help with the messages". This bemused him but he went along with it. He was further bemused when he discovered it was actually to help bring in bags of shopping. So he asked me about it: why? I'd been brought up with the expression and had never questioned it. When he posed that though I started to see why it annoyed him. It does make no sense. I've no idea where it comes from but it's still widely in use today. Strange one. 

325 Slow progress

 

" Slow progress "

Slow progress is still progress and to be honest this time around I am fine with that. Of course IF I can get back to where I was I'd like to get there as soon as possible but at the same time I know rushing it is counter productive. First time around I had no idea whether any kind of recovery was possible but I got to a good place from a bad place so have that knowledge in the bag. So there is no need to try to force it too prematurely. I need to take all I learned first time around and use it to make this climb permanent. All signs are barring something negatively life changing this road to recovery won't be a ring road this time around. 

Woodland Art

  

I was lying back in a t-shirt and shorts reading a book ear;ier today when the younger two came home from school. The older one went straight to her room without saying much if anything in the passing. The boy though asked if it was OK to go out later. Sure, are you meeting with friends? No it turns out. Instead he was going alone down the park to look for inspiration for a vaguely themed art project thrust upon him that day. A bit poor in my opinion given he had been at school all day. So I said I'd help him out. There was nothing to be gained down the park. Woodlands were better even if I wasn't sure what it was he needed. Other people had done designs with sticks and stones. That was a start.

Half an hour later we were in the woods. Ideally the dog would have been running around but he would not budge out the street. There was something good about it though. Rather than sitting at home I was out helping my son with school work. I found some reeds and rocks and let the boy do the rest. I am still not sure what the point of it was but it got us out at least. 

323 Down to the river

 

" Down to the river "

It was one of those surprising walks today. Unplanned and unexpected. As I walked though woodland battered by hailstones I didn't see it being anything other than a short walk. When I got to my destination to find it had taken less than a mile I again felt it would be a quick one. But I pushed on. Just a little. Suddenly in my head there was a place to go. Not far, I thought. Down to the water. So I pushed on. And on. Turns out it was much further than I remember. I got there but it was not comfortable. It was twice as far as I remembered and so twice as far back so I did not linger. It was though good to get down to the water again. I will no doubt repeat it soon. 

322 Irked

 

" Irked "

I thought it was other people that got unnecessarily irked by the less important things in life. My wife, by her own admission, is one of those. I can remember countless times saying things like how I had no money to pay the credit card that month but she was more angry that someone had parked in her parking space or dared to sit outside in their car with the engine running. But I realise to some degree we are all like that possibly. Even me.

My own is a fault of sorts. As I said previously I have made a concerted effort to read more which I have been doing. Then the other day I noticed the kindle app on my phone keeps some stats including days read. All good. From there I planned to lay down a long run of reading. It doesn't matter really but to me it's something to drive me. I have been reading every day. For some reason though Saturday is not recorded. Really not a problem but it is. It annoys me. Irks be even. I feel cheated but ill get over it. 

321 Journey

 

" Journey "

I was travelling to Edinburgh on the bus when my thoughts turned from the beautiful scenery to inner dialogue. It wasnt actually the road to the capital but I was oblivious at the time. It was open top. There were tree tops. Now in hindsight I have a memory of that when young with other young people. Not the road to Old Reekie. It was instead up north. Remote. A 'b' Road rather than something better. I was on my way somewhere. I think I was meeting friends. I enjoyed the view. There was no sense of wind or tempreture so it was all about the visuals. And as always in my dreams I had my camera despite having never carried a camera in real life for a few years.

I've had many dreams like this and they always go the same way. I tell myself how great it is to be free. How great it is not to have to worry about travelling too far. Then it starts. I feel flickers of anxiety like a hand engine starting before fully kicking in. I tell myself not to dwell but I don't do it calmly. It's started. Oh no. I look about, where is the next bus stop? I need to get off before the panic starts. And there it begins. Once it has seeped through it cannot be reversed. Confidence is eaten up in chunks by doubt like a pacman. I see it in my mind like a disaster movie where the virus takes over the world. I feel it running through me, adrenaline. Now I really need to get off. I'm not going home but I need to be alone even if that is curled up behind a wall out of view until it passes. Then I wake.

There is some reality to it. I remember being almost free of agoraphobia and then the DWP strife weighing me down to the point dread was never far away. I remember our one hour drive up north which was no longer a problem suddenly filling me with panic 10 minutes in. This is the basis for this recurring nightmare which is always a journey and always plays out the same way but in different places and times of day. I am always alone though. It tells me these reactive thoughts are deep rooted again and it's going to take a good deal of time to reverse them again 

318 Battles

 

" Battles "

Mental Gaza strip. 

317 MHAW

 

" MHAW "

Mental health awareness week. It started on Monday and runs through to Sunday inclusive. 

Weir

 

A weir is, I believe, similar to a dam except that instead of blocking the water completely from flowing it allows flow over its top. The river keeps flowing but its flow is controlled rather than natural. This one above is one I have seem many times from up on the bridge but never given it much thought until yesterday. Apparently swimming in a weir is dangerous yet I see kids swimming there every summer. That I'd imagine is the least of their worries given the colour and smell of it and the fact there is a sewage works quarter of a mile upstream. It's a place though people tend to stop and view while crossing the bridge. Often a heron can be spotted lingering. Ive seen the odd cormorant too. Further downstream I even seen an otter one year. At the right time of year large splashes of salmon landing can be heard. There is a calmness to the flow. Not as calming as the ocean waves but a little break from the concrete and metal surrounds.

I mention it because I was down here yesterday for the first time in a while. I've decided that if I am going to walk every day then I need to vary the walks or I will lose interest to boredom. I nearly didn't. It was about 11 in the morning when I headed down and going towards the woodland that would take me down I was on a collision course with 4 guys. I slowed but they stopped and in doing so all 4 pulled out bottles of Buckfast. So I walked again and they walked too. They were getting louder and I could see although all 4 were drunk their bottles were newly opened. They had probably bought them, headed down the woods and could not wait. It put me off. The woods are getting darker with people this last year or so and I find myself avoiding them more. 

In the end I went a different way and was glad I did. After getting uptight this helped unwind me a little. It makes me more determined also to get better soon even though I can't force that. I now long badly for the coast. I'd like to see the sea again soon. 

315 First step

 

" First step "

Part t

314 Caulking

 

" Caulking "

Part t

313 Lists

 

" Lists "

Part two of my self abuse in watching something I don't want to happen. The only shining light was Aberdeen East staying Conservative and effectively depriving the SNP of any chance of a minority. Again not that it really matters except that it strikes an argument off their list. The FM sensing that possibility backtracked on requiring a majority for an independence mandate just as she backtracked on the timing of that when the murmurs on the street were against it short term. I'm sick of hearing about it. Just give them it and state that in order to alter the constitution you need a 60% backing and an agreement that it will not be on the table for at least 2 decades. We cannot move on while this whining keeps distracting us.

Anyway its done thankfully and so am I- with it. I've removed all my access to anything political as I've sickened myself with it as I tend to do. It's like turning down the volume on the radio where I am aware it's still playing but I am no longer engaging. I have other pressing matters. From Monday I am starting a new regime of walks and CBT every day in the hope of getting back on track to where I was a few years ago. I have neglected both for too long. In just over 6 months I enter a new decade of my life and I would like that to finally be from a good place. We will see but for now bye to politics. 

311 Polling

 

" Polling "

Snow in May. Quite incredible. Not that I saw it. It was well washed away by the time I got up leaving a drab, grey, wet and cold wake. Horrible day. Polling day too. So glad I cast my vote by post as the thought of standing out in that at a school does not appeal.

My plan was to have an all mightier and see results coming in. I remember the joy doing so in 2014 and the hope a tide was changing. Also though I remember the election after which was horrible. That is what I expect again but I live in hope of a change. Thankfully though this time the count won't be overnight so I can look forward to that tomorrow instead.

The outcome is really hard to gauge. Most of the polls I have seen have been conflicting. It's a majority then it's not. In the streets its harder to gauge because the unionist tend to stay silent whereas the nats like to shout. That is why the 2014 independence referendum was a surprise as SNP followers were the loudest. Even now we have the celebrity contingent of the likes of Alan Cummings, Brian Cox, Martin Compston and others telling up to vote for independence in a country they could not wait to leave in favour of the states. Neil Oliver appears to be the only one talking up the Union. Even Ewen McGregor jumped the dyke.

Above is an example of the nationalist need to make Scotland look like its all yellow. That sign was put up by a group who have been going all over the central belt of Scotland putting up signs, billboards and driving a van around with anti-SNP slogans. That sign was not there 24 hours later. In the small street next to it at least 3 homes has SNP posters in the window and the other 9 or so have none. It makes it look like a pro-nat street and it may be but the fact is unionists tend not to feel the need to tell their neighbours who they are voting for. It's a form of intimidation. It's goading someone not to agree with them so they can tear that down like the sign. Union flags are just not seen but saltires fly on ever corner. There are Euro flags. There are even Catalonia flags believe it or not. And in one garden the saltire flying beside the national flag of Puerto Rico!

For 7 years unionists have been seen as spineless traitors for wanting to be part of the United Kingdom. It has created a toxic atmosphere of which no good will come. The sooner this election has passed the better but I fear this is just a starter to the main course ahead which could lead down a very dark alley. 

Vote cast

  

I do always leave it until the last minute but finally yesterday I posted my vote. Its done. Not that it matters really in the grand scheme of things. The SNP will still rule the roost when it's all over due to the unionist vote being split and just as divided down the middle the Scottish people will remain. One thing it is sure to do is open up those old wounds from 7 years and begin in a period of hate and fall outs among friends and family. Let the fun begin.

I am of course talking about the Scottish elections. For years I didn't vote but as I overcame my agoraphobia I did vote a few times. This time however it is a sign of how things are at the minute that I have had to cast my vote by post. I have now done so as I said. And as I also said about its just division upon division everywhere you look except for the SNP who have their own fan club that never wavers. They are no bigger in numbers than the non-SNP voters but they are not divided so they always win.  What is the point really? 

That said tomorrow I will no doubt end up watching the declarations as I usually do and although I usually set out to watch it all I end up turning off when a sea of yellow fills the map of Scotland. Drug death capital of Europe. Scandal in Parliament. The exam fiasco which was overturned by the youth. Covid positive sufferers put into care homes at the cost of many lives. I see the appeal. But it's a democracy of course. I accept that- though I wish others would have accepted that in 2014. Its clear the government will continue for a 4th term and whether that is with a majority or with its environmental wing (Scottish greens) in its back pocket is irrelevant. Its only about breaking up the UK and unfortunately half of Scotland want to do that regardless of what that means. There is more than a tinge of inevitability about that unfortunately. 

310 Sixty minutes

 

" Sixty minutes "

I went out for a walk today for the first time in a while and it was OK. First time since the 24th of last month which is a note that things need to improve on that score and they will from Monday. I've been using excuses where there are none. My wife has worked about 10 days straight and some of those have been stretched over 12 hours of the day so stuck with a dog who won't budge I have not been walking. But it can be done.

The walk was much easier than expected. A very strange point was after climbing stairs I did not find the usual breathlessness. It all went well but the lay off had me labouring where I hadn't been previously. Only regular walks will change that. That is the plan.

One other thought occurred to me: when was the last time I spent an hour or more outside? I actually thought I had done it today but it was only 45 minutes. Looking back I found the only times I did it this year didn't really count as they happened outside the front door talking to my brother on the phone. The speaker on my phone is too low so on a call I tend to go out to hear it. I have not otherwise spent an hour outside this year. The dog walks have been 10 minutes at most, walks alone have been 45 minutes and shopping takes 30 to 40 minutes. It's poor. I need to do more and see from Monday I need to set some goals. That is my first. I must spend an hour outdoor walking, sitting or all else without distraction. 

308 No show

 

" No show "

I look at the clock and its 11:15. There is a twang of guilt and a pang of sadness topped by a sprinkling of anger at myself. I wonder if someone 10 miles away is calling my name. If it a young nurse in scrubs or a young army person calling my name? Anger and irritation at another no show: haven't we enough on our plate without time wasters?

When I finally did open my Vaccination summons it was further than I had anticipated and there was zero chance of going there. It was Ravenscraig today at the time above. Ironically in the week of the election this is one of many sites that gave cause to a rise in nationalism. It was among the biggest, if not the biggest, steelworks in Europe in its pomp. When it was closed 30 years ago it ripped the heart out of a community that was not easily forgotten with generations losing jobs at the same time. Long ploughed into dust it is now the site of a huge sports complex perfect for vaccine rollout.

There was never any chance of going and even less when I looked at photos of the place- prime panic building just like a kids place a few years ago. That said it was not my intention initially to just ignore the appointment. I read the letter and it stated I could go online and rearrange. That is what I set out to do. I created an account, clicked to rearrange and was presented with dates, times and locations. Unfortunately the Ally McCoist in East Kilbride was the nearest which is another big sports centre 6 miles away. Still too far. No option but to opt out. I was directed to a phone number "in the table above" but there was no number. I found other numbers which may or may not have been the right one. Suddenly I got annoyed. I didn't seek an appointment. Why wasn't there an option to opt out and give a reason? Why did I have to seek, chase and then go through that humiliation again of trying to justify my position to someone who cannot understand? So I took the decision to just leave it and as I type the time has passed. It is now a past event. I do t know what happens from here but I am sure I will find out in due course.