Queues likely

What is most unusual is for that voice in my head to make its way out of my mouth. That was I think what gave my wife the biggest fright. Not helped also by the fact that we had only been driving two minutes and despite the kids being in the back the car it was fairly sedate until that point. So for me to shout loudly a warning gave her a startle. Even my apology shortly after did little to appease her. We both had the same view but our reaction to that differs. It mattered little to her but the sight as we came over the brow up the slip road to the dual carriageway of at least a mile long stretch of of parked cars was enough to sound the alarm. "Oh shit!" screamed in my head and rattled out of my mouth. I couldn't argue back while my mind filled with statements about how bad this was and how I couldn't handle it. There were images too of grid lock and waiting for hours without moving. I had no comeback. I just needed to get out of there fast. The problem isn't so much what I am hearing but my inability to respond. In the past I have tried responding with authority but the problem is that there isn't much conviction, I don't really believe in what I am saying. Repeated negative experience dictates that.

The image above isn't a good one. Its there mainly because it includes the sign in it. It doesn't show all the traffic ahead as I could see it. Thankfully almost as quickly as we got on the dual carriageway there is one last slip road off almost immediately. This could be why I blurted out the alert so my wife didn't get stuck in the outside lane unable to get back to that last escape route out of personal hell. No need to panic as she moved over without incident and as soon as we were off with a clear road ahead to get the hell out of there I had an insanely smiley face. I was relieved. Such an irrational problem this. Relieved that I was in a car moving instead of standing still. Happy that the view was changing rather than staying the same even although the inside of the car stays the same regardless. Just glad I wasn't still there and feeling very fortunate for it.

Bliss lasted a third of a mile. Down a little road, around a corner to go under a bridge and stand still. I cursed whatever demon had decided that for that day I was to be it's toy in some sick game. Cars not moving. A few minutes passed and nothing moved, unease grew. The white van a few cars up done a 3 point turn and headed back. Why? We'd just come from there and it was blocked too. We were all trapped. My worst nightmare but suddenly I thought he had the right idea. It crossed my mind to ask my wife to do the same and when we got near the dual carriageway to turn around and come back. We could keep doing that until, hopefully, there was movement at either end. At least if we were moving I wouldn't be stuck with my thoughts. But of course I didn't, it wasn't that great an idea.

This wasn't panic. It was intense restlessness, frenzied agitation. Every ounce of the body was urging movement but I couldn't move anywhere. Not only because the car was stationary but because I was so tensed up I couldn't move. Previously I'd walked close to here and back home so I knew it was something I could do but not from this rigid state. And as I said it wasn't panic. I had none of the symptoms I associate with panic and had experienced just minutes before briefly. It was the agitated state that leads to panic and I was trying to keep that finale at bay. Distraction works for some and it works for me at home. I got the camera in my hands and tried to look through what I had taken but I couldn't get my head away from the warnings. I still knew where I was and that it wasn't good no matter how hard I tried to divert attention. Reasoning? That didn't work either. No matter what I said the voice shouted back that this was bad. Remember all the times before and every one of them was bad. The only way to stop it being bad was to get out of there and you can't get out of it so you are going to have to be tormented until you do. It doesn't matter that there is no danger here you still know its bad and its going to be very uncomfortable. You are trapped. Of course you are not going to die but you are going to have to endure this with your brain whizzing so fast that it is making you dizzy.

To cut a long story short about 15 minutes later we were out of there. There were roadworks on the bridge and we had to rely on people to let us out but as cars were queued back having to wait every few minutes for oncoming cars to pass through the lights they were reluctant. It was such a surge of relief when we were finally out of there. It was like someone had been holding my head under water and finally let go. Big gulps of air, tension sizzling out and the blurry world settling into vivdness again. My wife asked if I wanted to just go home. Amazingly this was all mostly internal and although she knew something was up I didn't share it with her. I didn't want to go home so we drove about town and into the next town for around 10 miles before finally calling it a day. Not a bit of anxiety for company.

Today I've been having a think. In these situations I've tried accepting, I've tried a feeble dominant response, I even attempted an almost as feeble humorous response, I've tried distraction, I've tried resisting and I've tried the mindfulness approach. None have worked but the mindfulness approach of labeling to disempower has worked in some instances. Labeling while being mindful hasn't brought as much success as I had hoped so I searched for a reason for that- and found it. Like the rest its one of trust, one of belief. I cannot fully place my trust in it despite the logic I see in it so where there is even the slightest doubt it isn't going to work fully. Like my last post it comes back to that belief.

I was thinking about why I cannot fully place my trust in this method. The reason came to me when looking at myself now compared to how I used to be. The situations I described never used to be a problem for me. The reason they were not a problem for me was because I didn't have to think about them. My mind used to be elsewhere- past or future. This is in fact the opposite of mindfulness. Mindfulness is about being in the present moment and staying there but that is exactly where my problems are so that is where I am trying to get away from in those situations. I got by before by not being in the present and in fact many times I have seen signs of improvement, more so last year, because I have been in that state again. Whether it is out walking somewhere thinking about something I watched on TV or standing in a queue listening to a song in my head it was the fact that I was not stuck in the problems of that present moment that made it good. Not worrying where I was in relation to home or my inability to leave where I was felt 'normal'. Those are the times when it feels right and I cannot be touched. So I think that is my problem with mindfulness but annoyingly at the same time it still makes the most sense to me and if I could believe in it I do think it would help me handle those situations. Nothing is ever simple is it?

Vissarion

Struggling to find something to watch on the TV last night I finally watched a documentary entitled "A long weekend with the son of god". It tells the tale of a man who, like a long line of others before him, claims to be the second coming, Christ reborn. That immediately set off alarm bells for me. As I watched on I could see a familiar pattern emerging. Someone claims to be Christ, gathers a flock, they all go off into seclusion and then something very bad happens. These cults are synonymous with the likes of Jim Jones and more recently David Koresh.

Will Sergey Torop be added to that list? He is an ex-Traffic Policeman from Russia who now goes by the moniker of Vissarion and claims to be the reincarnation of Christ. With his thousands of followers they live in a remote place they have named Sun City, in Siberia. Fake, that was the overriding thought as I watched it. That preconceived idea was further cemented when I saw this man wondering about looking like the Western idea of Jesus we have seen many times on TV. The documentary had interviews with a lot of his followers and they were not irrational people. A lot of them were very intelligent coming from all walks of life, varying professions and different countries. I couldn't understand why people would believe in this man in their droves enough to upsticks and move to this array of villages. It didn't seem logical to me but its happened countless times in history. Who really understands what drove others to places like the ranch in Waco and Jonestown? Do people really believe or do they just want to believe?

Something else though happened while watching the documentary. It was obvious why the documentary was set up in the first place- to show him as a fraud. And that was my judgement too. But as I watched longer I noticed that the judgement I made was all that I could see. It was the only question I was asking- is this man a fraud? It got me wondering why we, or I, make these judgements. It could be we don't like to see people being conned or maybe even that compassionate side that does not want to see people being hurt further down the line. Another possibility is we just like to be right and want others to know. Whatever the reason we all judge based on our own experiences and ideals.

There was another question to be asked though which was probably more important: Are these people happy? That is the question that surfaced as I watched on. And it was clear they were very happy. They seemed to believe he was the son of god but really it didn't matter whether they did or not. They believed in being where they were and were happy for it. I looked at one couple. They lived together in a little cabin which I presume they, or others there, built. It had a beautiful view over a lake in a very idyllic spot. They were completely self sufficient growing there own food. They were happy and to be honest given the chance to swap places with them I think I would be a lot happier too. But don't worry I'm not about to disappear off to Siberia! Does it really matter what the truth is when it makes so many people happy?

The train of thought left Siberia and pulled up at Lourdes. Is this really a special place where the afflicted are healed? Again it doesn't matter. What matters is that the people who go there believe and tend to come away happier. There are lots of places like that. Comfort can be found in all religions, in all beliefs. There are many stories of people overcoming the odds by the power of prayer. Does it matter who they pray too? Only for that person. I don't think it matters whether their god is really listening to them or its just their own subconscious lending an ear. Whatever it is it works for them and we don't need to know why for it to be effective. Again I think the main ingredient has to be belief. It is easy to see that through time as a people we have been more interested in enforcing our views on others as opposed to being at peace with them ourselves which has led to many a war from global to personal.

In times of trouble that is why I find myself mentally running about with nowhere to run to. Its like frantically searching in a void. I think we all need to believe in something and only there will we find peace in problematic periods. Without something or someone to hold on to you can become groundless, at least that is the way I see myself. Religion I'm afraid is not for me but maybe something else is. It could even be just finding belief in myself.

Secret Songs

My youngest daughter is having a hard time at the moment. It is half ten and I'm looking after the kids as my wife is on a work night out. Today has been a long one as there has one been three hours of it where I have not been in sole charge of all three. The youngest daughter is settled at the moment but all day she has been screaming in pain. Its constipation and its the third time in the last week. I can only think its a product of this recent bug they have had as the oldest daughter has started complaining of a sore stomach and the boy was constipated earlier, though milder.

Its very hard to watch. We've been giving her medicine and also things like grapes to help her on her way but she is scared. She refuses to budge because of the pain she knows she must endure to get over this and instead has lain in pain on and off for most of the day. I feel so helpless. All I can do is hold her and settle her.

Today she was sitting on my knee for a spell and told me that her cousin is, in her own words, 'a disgrace'. Her cousin is roughly twice her age and autistic. They are not long back from spending time with her on their recent Easter break up north. When I asked her to explain she said that her cousin always wants to play with her but as soon as her big sister, my oldest daughter, wants to play too the two of them ignore her. Typical children. I am sure between the three of them one gets left out on occasion but it differs which one each time. So I told her not to worry about it and if they keep doing it to her to tell her mum which seemed to do the trick.

A few minutes of silence later she looked up at me and said "Do you know what daddy? When my cousin and my sister stop playing with me do you know that I do?". I didn't, of course. "I sing secret songs" she said. I was intrigued to find out what these were but she told me she couldn't tell me- because they were secret. A few minutes later again I could hear her singing quietly to herself. There were very few audible words and most was just a murmur but I did pick out, on two occasions, her cousin's name. I waited a few moments and before I could ask she said "Did you hear that song daddy?". When I said I did but I couldn't hear the words she replied "That's a secret song." And with that she was content. She buried her head in my chest and had a look of satisfaction. A little glimpse without revealing the secret.

I wonder what goes on in that little head sometimes. In July she will be five and I wonder what lies ahead. She comes out with some of the strangest things but everyone of them is very personal to her and is usually a form of self protection. It does make me sad to think of her sitting alone singing her songs in her head. I just wonder if she has a song for her current predicament. Of the three children she is the most sensitive so the pain is revealed more- for streets away I don't doubt. Hopefully she will be over it soon and back to her usual bright self.

Fearlessness

My need for distraction has been great as a result so I have been watching films, TV and reading books. A couple of books I wanted to read I cannot find and are no doubt sitting in that little place with all the other stuff that goes missing in my home. So I turned once again to this Pema Chodron book which I didn't understand last time but thought I might as well give it another bash.

The Places that scare you: A guide to Fearlessness
Pema Chodron
'Openness doesn't come from resisting our fears but from getting to know them well.'

Finding the courage to go to the places that scare us cannot happen without asking ourselves 'What do I do when I feel I can't handle what's going on? Where do I look for strength and in what do I place my trust?'

When fear. anger or anxiety has a grip on you, don't turn away, have a drink, a snack, a smoke, or switch on the TV. Instead, look your fear straight in the eyes- and see it for what it really is....

Sounds promising doesn't it? Not so much I'm afraid. The title mentions 'guide' but its not a stepped process at all but some vague, Buddhism is full of ambiguity, overview of what warriors do to become fearless- compassionate warriors that is rather than blade wielding psychos.

I can though see the wisdom in what is mentioned even if there is no actual guide. The main part is mindfulness which is staying in the present moment with your emotions and thoughts while observing them without judgement. Basically its about spending time with ourselves, how apt, and by practising this we develop comfort in our own skin so to speak. That makes a lot of sense to me. That for me would be a good starting point. These past days have taught me that I am not content with my own company but then who is unless they have distraction? One of the things that intrigued me was when she said that a lot of people including experienced meditators have trouble sitting with their own thoughts and emotions. Here I see the difference between the normal individual and the anxiety ridden one. What is going on internally is no different, it is just that the latter is either more receptive to it or more introspective. As simple as that. The anxiety is not different from person to person except for the attention it is getting.

Or maybe not. I'm still not sure about the non-judgemental observer stance. In my own head I can see my problems stem a lot from inner dialogue. For example last week I went down the stairs to go out the door to meet my wife and children at the shops. Something I have done many times so not a problem. But then in my head popped doubt: you can't do it, you are going to panic. Totally irrational and so I immediately rationalised but it made no difference. Five minutes later I was sitting on a wall trying to quell the panic halfway to where I wanted to be. One doubt, one ineffective response. So it makes me wonder whether its not really about taking a non-judgemental observer stance but instead like a sat-nav changing the voice from Timid Timmy to a Danny Dyer type "shut up you slag or I'll give you a slap" response.

I don't know. As you can see time on my own has given me too much time to think. What I do think though is that the sensation of anxiety or panic seem like the problem but in my case at least they are not. Its those little doubts that keep creeping in that have become habitual which are the problem. Well actually not them but my response to them. I think if I can respond differently to those then I will not get to the stage of experiencing the sensations. We know those sensations are a product of emotional response so that response maybe just has to be harder. I just wonder if that inner response is down to who we are also in life: People who are not harsh and maybe worry too much about other people's feelings. It could be that this has become our inner voice. If we developed a colder more distant stance then that would surely help. Then again is that not the stance of mindfulness?

If I can go back to that scenario last week I would like to say that I did eventually make it to the shop doors through gritted teeth. My wife and family were nowhere to be seen so I fled. Not right home though. I went back to that wall again and sat for a few minutes- turns out my wife had met someone she knew in the shop and started talking for a bit. I was determined not to go home. So I composed myself and went for another shot at it but it was futile. Again and again without success. It was like swimming against the tide. Every step intensified panic and pushed me back. In the end I only managed to go forward when I saw my wife and kids come around the corner. To them there was nothing amiss as it just appeared I was late arriving.

This re-enforced some things. When I am experiencing the sensations of panic I cannot win. I'd be as well just getting out of it. There is little point when feeling like you are going to fall over, shaking from head to toe and finding it hard to catch a breath trying to tell yourself its OK. Nah, better bolt. These are natural responses by the body so why try to fight them. It is not the sensations I should be tackling but the thoughts. So here I do see the wisdom of mindfulness even if I am not sure at the moment which is the best stance. Labelling thoughts as thoughts to disempower them does make sense because at the moment I try to rationalise them and it does not work. But more than that I get caught unawares by these thoughts when I should really be on the look out for them. That is why they are not exclusive to the moment I walk out of the door but happen when I am sitting at home too. Tiny thoughts of doubt. They are the accumulation of many smaller incidents over the past 3.5 years and maybe more which has now evolved into a habitual misfiring. That's OK though as the subconscious, apparently, can only learn through experience and that is what experience has told it. It is my voice which has too change or maybe just my stance. It either has to dominate or not react because at the moment it is the nervy reactions that are causing the problems. I think I will give mindfulness another go to see if it makes any difference.

Three years ago when the CPN first arrived I asked her one question: How do I stop these thoughts? That was the only question I wanted answered. I didn't need a series of visits. A phone call or email would have done. All I wanted to know was how I could stop these thoughts. It seems I have sort of come full circle in that time or maybe fallen right back. I never got an answer but there is no answer, though it would have been nice to have been told that. Its not how to stop the thoughts because those are a habitual product but how to react to them differently. Oh wouldn't we love to know that answer to that. Because we are all defined by labels: The agoraphobic, the person with GAD, the OCD sufferer, the person dealing with PTSD, the depressive, the social phobic etc. That makes it more complex that it really is. In every case there is a constant and that is unwanted thoughts which cause an emotional response because we do not know how to react to them. If we could react differently to thoughts then we, regardless of pigeon-hole, would not have a problem. So how do we react differently?

Allowing the water to settle

I've just about finished, 10 pages to go, reading "The Celestine Prophecy" and finding my will to read on is slipping. For anyone who hasn't read the book its a parable about human enlightenment which takes place via nine insights. One of the things that struck me reading it was that Eckhart Tolle's "A new Earth" seems to lend a lot to it but at least Redfield's was a work of fiction. That reminds me if there is a book that has become a best seller because it had been plugged by Oprah Winfrey then avoid it. Tolle's books and books like "The Secret" being prime examples- the latter claims to use the mystery of the universe for material gain which is not a concept I can get my head around. For example if you want a million dollars then you just have to ask the universe for it and by the law of attraction it will be yours. Well at least that was my understanding of it, I couldn't stand more than 50 pages. Don't you just love these kind of books for all the wrong reasons? I just had a sneak at the next book I am going to read and it claims: "Find out why the mental and physical deterioration associated with aging is not natural, and how you can retrain your youth." Mmm...maybe not.

Back to the original book I was talking about. I actually liked some of the ideas for the most part except for the leanings toward vegetarianism and the idea that for humanity to move forward there should be only one child per parent. But it is fiction and so I can put up with little annoyances but the nearer it gets to the end the more into ludicrous overdrive it goes which is making it hard to read on. The idea of how times have changed intrigued me. Of the masses believing in their church and when that all fell apart moving toward scientific method where everything had to be proven. What it led to is a dwindling of mystery. That which cannot be measured in some way doesn't exist. And I think that is something we miss in our lives. It has conditioned us, Western culture at least in general, to dismiss the unexplained too quickly. More than that though it makes us lean on the understood view without questioning it- I am thinking about anxiety here. Again what if it is not as straight forward as we are told it is? And if it were that straight forward then it would certainly be more manageable than it is proving to be within the health service who in reality don't actually appear to understand.

That's not a road I want to go down at the moment. Instead I was wanting to talk about something else from that book. There were a few things that intrigued me. The concept of unseen energy was one which we can find way back from acupuncture to Franksenstien. Another was the first insight in the book which would see restlessness to begin with which I am sure some of us can relate to. It would also see individuals start to notice coincidences. Now as I said this is a work of fiction but it resonated with me because I have been noticing a lot of coincidences of late- especially where negative thinking and incidents later are concerned. But what really hit me was tonight when I decided to look back at this time last year to see what I was posting about because I have had trouble thinking what to write. As you may have noticed I have re-jigged the layout here and this time last year I did the same but I didn't know that until I looked back tonight. In fact it wasn't by choice as I tried to change the banner and the template became corrupted so I had no choice. Also though I made a post about synchronicity (or more precisely Synchrodestiny by Deepak Chopra). On top of that I also noticed that I had mentioned last April of having a period where I could not shake the feeling of impending doom which was scary. For a couple of days there I thought I was losing my sanity and I now see it is actually the same thing. Well I didn't actually think I was losing my sanity but the feeling was there in my mind and I couldn't shake it so it was quite hard to argue with- that is the nature of obsessive thoughts.

Best of all though looking back at April last year and seeing so many coincidences I can also look to what came after that. From May to June until the end of the year things really picked up. That has given me a boost. It seems like I am playing through the same cycle again as the previous year which hasn't been great for the past few months but now will hopefully improve again. The big splash at the start of the year is still rippling but with time they are losing momentum and the water is starting to settle again.