Queues likely

What is most unusual is for that voice in my head to make its way out of my mouth. That was I think what gave my wife the biggest fright. Not helped also by the fact that we had only been driving two minutes and despite the kids being in the back the car it was fairly sedate until that point. So for me to shout loudly a warning gave her a startle. Even my apology shortly after did little to appease her. We both had the same view but our reaction to that differs. It mattered little to her but the sight as we came over the brow up the slip road to the dual carriageway of at least a mile long stretch of of parked cars was enough to sound the alarm. "Oh shit!" screamed in my head and rattled out of my mouth. I couldn't argue back while my mind filled with statements about how bad this was and how I couldn't handle it. There were images too of grid lock and waiting for hours without moving. I had no comeback. I just needed to get out of there fast. The problem isn't so much what I am hearing but my inability to respond. In the past I have tried responding with authority but the problem is that there isn't much conviction, I don't really believe in what I am saying. Repeated negative experience dictates that.

The image above isn't a good one. Its there mainly because it includes the sign in it. It doesn't show all the traffic ahead as I could see it. Thankfully almost as quickly as we got on the dual carriageway there is one last slip road off almost immediately. This could be why I blurted out the alert so my wife didn't get stuck in the outside lane unable to get back to that last escape route out of personal hell. No need to panic as she moved over without incident and as soon as we were off with a clear road ahead to get the hell out of there I had an insanely smiley face. I was relieved. Such an irrational problem this. Relieved that I was in a car moving instead of standing still. Happy that the view was changing rather than staying the same even although the inside of the car stays the same regardless. Just glad I wasn't still there and feeling very fortunate for it.

Bliss lasted a third of a mile. Down a little road, around a corner to go under a bridge and stand still. I cursed whatever demon had decided that for that day I was to be it's toy in some sick game. Cars not moving. A few minutes passed and nothing moved, unease grew. The white van a few cars up done a 3 point turn and headed back. Why? We'd just come from there and it was blocked too. We were all trapped. My worst nightmare but suddenly I thought he had the right idea. It crossed my mind to ask my wife to do the same and when we got near the dual carriageway to turn around and come back. We could keep doing that until, hopefully, there was movement at either end. At least if we were moving I wouldn't be stuck with my thoughts. But of course I didn't, it wasn't that great an idea.

This wasn't panic. It was intense restlessness, frenzied agitation. Every ounce of the body was urging movement but I couldn't move anywhere. Not only because the car was stationary but because I was so tensed up I couldn't move. Previously I'd walked close to here and back home so I knew it was something I could do but not from this rigid state. And as I said it wasn't panic. I had none of the symptoms I associate with panic and had experienced just minutes before briefly. It was the agitated state that leads to panic and I was trying to keep that finale at bay. Distraction works for some and it works for me at home. I got the camera in my hands and tried to look through what I had taken but I couldn't get my head away from the warnings. I still knew where I was and that it wasn't good no matter how hard I tried to divert attention. Reasoning? That didn't work either. No matter what I said the voice shouted back that this was bad. Remember all the times before and every one of them was bad. The only way to stop it being bad was to get out of there and you can't get out of it so you are going to have to be tormented until you do. It doesn't matter that there is no danger here you still know its bad and its going to be very uncomfortable. You are trapped. Of course you are not going to die but you are going to have to endure this with your brain whizzing so fast that it is making you dizzy.

To cut a long story short about 15 minutes later we were out of there. There were roadworks on the bridge and we had to rely on people to let us out but as cars were queued back having to wait every few minutes for oncoming cars to pass through the lights they were reluctant. It was such a surge of relief when we were finally out of there. It was like someone had been holding my head under water and finally let go. Big gulps of air, tension sizzling out and the blurry world settling into vivdness again. My wife asked if I wanted to just go home. Amazingly this was all mostly internal and although she knew something was up I didn't share it with her. I didn't want to go home so we drove about town and into the next town for around 10 miles before finally calling it a day. Not a bit of anxiety for company.

Today I've been having a think. In these situations I've tried accepting, I've tried a feeble dominant response, I even attempted an almost as feeble humorous response, I've tried distraction, I've tried resisting and I've tried the mindfulness approach. None have worked but the mindfulness approach of labeling to disempower has worked in some instances. Labeling while being mindful hasn't brought as much success as I had hoped so I searched for a reason for that- and found it. Like the rest its one of trust, one of belief. I cannot fully place my trust in it despite the logic I see in it so where there is even the slightest doubt it isn't going to work fully. Like my last post it comes back to that belief.

I was thinking about why I cannot fully place my trust in this method. The reason came to me when looking at myself now compared to how I used to be. The situations I described never used to be a problem for me. The reason they were not a problem for me was because I didn't have to think about them. My mind used to be elsewhere- past or future. This is in fact the opposite of mindfulness. Mindfulness is about being in the present moment and staying there but that is exactly where my problems are so that is where I am trying to get away from in those situations. I got by before by not being in the present and in fact many times I have seen signs of improvement, more so last year, because I have been in that state again. Whether it is out walking somewhere thinking about something I watched on TV or standing in a queue listening to a song in my head it was the fact that I was not stuck in the problems of that present moment that made it good. Not worrying where I was in relation to home or my inability to leave where I was felt 'normal'. Those are the times when it feels right and I cannot be touched. So I think that is my problem with mindfulness but annoyingly at the same time it still makes the most sense to me and if I could believe in it I do think it would help me handle those situations. Nothing is ever simple is it?

Vissarion

Struggling to find something to watch on the TV last night I finally watched a documentary entitled "A long weekend with the son of god". It tells the tale of a man who, like a long line of others before him, claims to be the second coming, Christ reborn. That immediately set off alarm bells for me. As I watched on I could see a familiar pattern emerging. Someone claims to be Christ, gathers a flock, they all go off into seclusion and then something very bad happens. These cults are synonymous with the likes of Jim Jones and more recently David Koresh.

Will Sergey Torop be added to that list? He is an ex-Traffic Policeman from Russia who now goes by the moniker of Vissarion and claims to be the reincarnation of Christ. With his thousands of followers they live in a remote place they have named Sun City, in Siberia. Fake, that was the overriding thought as I watched it. That preconceived idea was further cemented when I saw this man wondering about looking like the Western idea of Jesus we have seen many times on TV. The documentary had interviews with a lot of his followers and they were not irrational people. A lot of them were very intelligent coming from all walks of life, varying professions and different countries. I couldn't understand why people would believe in this man in their droves enough to upsticks and move to this array of villages. It didn't seem logical to me but its happened countless times in history. Who really understands what drove others to places like the ranch in Waco and Jonestown? Do people really believe or do they just want to believe?

Something else though happened while watching the documentary. It was obvious why the documentary was set up in the first place- to show him as a fraud. And that was my judgement too. But as I watched longer I noticed that the judgement I made was all that I could see. It was the only question I was asking- is this man a fraud? It got me wondering why we, or I, make these judgements. It could be we don't like to see people being conned or maybe even that compassionate side that does not want to see people being hurt further down the line. Another possibility is we just like to be right and want others to know. Whatever the reason we all judge based on our own experiences and ideals.

There was another question to be asked though which was probably more important: Are these people happy? That is the question that surfaced as I watched on. And it was clear they were very happy. They seemed to believe he was the son of god but really it didn't matter whether they did or not. They believed in being where they were and were happy for it. I looked at one couple. They lived together in a little cabin which I presume they, or others there, built. It had a beautiful view over a lake in a very idyllic spot. They were completely self sufficient growing there own food. They were happy and to be honest given the chance to swap places with them I think I would be a lot happier too. But don't worry I'm not about to disappear off to Siberia! Does it really matter what the truth is when it makes so many people happy?

The train of thought left Siberia and pulled up at Lourdes. Is this really a special place where the afflicted are healed? Again it doesn't matter. What matters is that the people who go there believe and tend to come away happier. There are lots of places like that. Comfort can be found in all religions, in all beliefs. There are many stories of people overcoming the odds by the power of prayer. Does it matter who they pray too? Only for that person. I don't think it matters whether their god is really listening to them or its just their own subconscious lending an ear. Whatever it is it works for them and we don't need to know why for it to be effective. Again I think the main ingredient has to be belief. It is easy to see that through time as a people we have been more interested in enforcing our views on others as opposed to being at peace with them ourselves which has led to many a war from global to personal.

In times of trouble that is why I find myself mentally running about with nowhere to run to. Its like frantically searching in a void. I think we all need to believe in something and only there will we find peace in problematic periods. Without something or someone to hold on to you can become groundless, at least that is the way I see myself. Religion I'm afraid is not for me but maybe something else is. It could even be just finding belief in myself.

Secret Songs

My youngest daughter is having a hard time at the moment. It is half ten and I'm looking after the kids as my wife is on a work night out. Today has been a long one as there has one been three hours of it where I have not been in sole charge of all three. The youngest daughter is settled at the moment but all day she has been screaming in pain. Its constipation and its the third time in the last week. I can only think its a product of this recent bug they have had as the oldest daughter has started complaining of a sore stomach and the boy was constipated earlier, though milder.

Its very hard to watch. We've been giving her medicine and also things like grapes to help her on her way but she is scared. She refuses to budge because of the pain she knows she must endure to get over this and instead has lain in pain on and off for most of the day. I feel so helpless. All I can do is hold her and settle her.

Today she was sitting on my knee for a spell and told me that her cousin is, in her own words, 'a disgrace'. Her cousin is roughly twice her age and autistic. They are not long back from spending time with her on their recent Easter break up north. When I asked her to explain she said that her cousin always wants to play with her but as soon as her big sister, my oldest daughter, wants to play too the two of them ignore her. Typical children. I am sure between the three of them one gets left out on occasion but it differs which one each time. So I told her not to worry about it and if they keep doing it to her to tell her mum which seemed to do the trick.

A few minutes of silence later she looked up at me and said "Do you know what daddy? When my cousin and my sister stop playing with me do you know that I do?". I didn't, of course. "I sing secret songs" she said. I was intrigued to find out what these were but she told me she couldn't tell me- because they were secret. A few minutes later again I could hear her singing quietly to herself. There were very few audible words and most was just a murmur but I did pick out, on two occasions, her cousin's name. I waited a few moments and before I could ask she said "Did you hear that song daddy?". When I said I did but I couldn't hear the words she replied "That's a secret song." And with that she was content. She buried her head in my chest and had a look of satisfaction. A little glimpse without revealing the secret.

I wonder what goes on in that little head sometimes. In July she will be five and I wonder what lies ahead. She comes out with some of the strangest things but everyone of them is very personal to her and is usually a form of self protection. It does make me sad to think of her sitting alone singing her songs in her head. I just wonder if she has a song for her current predicament. Of the three children she is the most sensitive so the pain is revealed more- for streets away I don't doubt. Hopefully she will be over it soon and back to her usual bright self.