Fearlessness

My need for distraction has been great as a result so I have been watching films, TV and reading books. A couple of books I wanted to read I cannot find and are no doubt sitting in that little place with all the other stuff that goes missing in my home. So I turned once again to this Pema Chodron book which I didn't understand last time but thought I might as well give it another bash.

The Places that scare you: A guide to Fearlessness
Pema Chodron
'Openness doesn't come from resisting our fears but from getting to know them well.'

Finding the courage to go to the places that scare us cannot happen without asking ourselves 'What do I do when I feel I can't handle what's going on? Where do I look for strength and in what do I place my trust?'

When fear. anger or anxiety has a grip on you, don't turn away, have a drink, a snack, a smoke, or switch on the TV. Instead, look your fear straight in the eyes- and see it for what it really is....

Sounds promising doesn't it? Not so much I'm afraid. The title mentions 'guide' but its not a stepped process at all but some vague, Buddhism is full of ambiguity, overview of what warriors do to become fearless- compassionate warriors that is rather than blade wielding psychos.

I can though see the wisdom in what is mentioned even if there is no actual guide. The main part is mindfulness which is staying in the present moment with your emotions and thoughts while observing them without judgement. Basically its about spending time with ourselves, how apt, and by practising this we develop comfort in our own skin so to speak. That makes a lot of sense to me. That for me would be a good starting point. These past days have taught me that I am not content with my own company but then who is unless they have distraction? One of the things that intrigued me was when she said that a lot of people including experienced meditators have trouble sitting with their own thoughts and emotions. Here I see the difference between the normal individual and the anxiety ridden one. What is going on internally is no different, it is just that the latter is either more receptive to it or more introspective. As simple as that. The anxiety is not different from person to person except for the attention it is getting.

Or maybe not. I'm still not sure about the non-judgemental observer stance. In my own head I can see my problems stem a lot from inner dialogue. For example last week I went down the stairs to go out the door to meet my wife and children at the shops. Something I have done many times so not a problem. But then in my head popped doubt: you can't do it, you are going to panic. Totally irrational and so I immediately rationalised but it made no difference. Five minutes later I was sitting on a wall trying to quell the panic halfway to where I wanted to be. One doubt, one ineffective response. So it makes me wonder whether its not really about taking a non-judgemental observer stance but instead like a sat-nav changing the voice from Timid Timmy to a Danny Dyer type "shut up you slag or I'll give you a slap" response.

I don't know. As you can see time on my own has given me too much time to think. What I do think though is that the sensation of anxiety or panic seem like the problem but in my case at least they are not. Its those little doubts that keep creeping in that have become habitual which are the problem. Well actually not them but my response to them. I think if I can respond differently to those then I will not get to the stage of experiencing the sensations. We know those sensations are a product of emotional response so that response maybe just has to be harder. I just wonder if that inner response is down to who we are also in life: People who are not harsh and maybe worry too much about other people's feelings. It could be that this has become our inner voice. If we developed a colder more distant stance then that would surely help. Then again is that not the stance of mindfulness?

If I can go back to that scenario last week I would like to say that I did eventually make it to the shop doors through gritted teeth. My wife and family were nowhere to be seen so I fled. Not right home though. I went back to that wall again and sat for a few minutes- turns out my wife had met someone she knew in the shop and started talking for a bit. I was determined not to go home. So I composed myself and went for another shot at it but it was futile. Again and again without success. It was like swimming against the tide. Every step intensified panic and pushed me back. In the end I only managed to go forward when I saw my wife and kids come around the corner. To them there was nothing amiss as it just appeared I was late arriving.

This re-enforced some things. When I am experiencing the sensations of panic I cannot win. I'd be as well just getting out of it. There is little point when feeling like you are going to fall over, shaking from head to toe and finding it hard to catch a breath trying to tell yourself its OK. Nah, better bolt. These are natural responses by the body so why try to fight them. It is not the sensations I should be tackling but the thoughts. So here I do see the wisdom of mindfulness even if I am not sure at the moment which is the best stance. Labelling thoughts as thoughts to disempower them does make sense because at the moment I try to rationalise them and it does not work. But more than that I get caught unawares by these thoughts when I should really be on the look out for them. That is why they are not exclusive to the moment I walk out of the door but happen when I am sitting at home too. Tiny thoughts of doubt. They are the accumulation of many smaller incidents over the past 3.5 years and maybe more which has now evolved into a habitual misfiring. That's OK though as the subconscious, apparently, can only learn through experience and that is what experience has told it. It is my voice which has too change or maybe just my stance. It either has to dominate or not react because at the moment it is the nervy reactions that are causing the problems. I think I will give mindfulness another go to see if it makes any difference.

Three years ago when the CPN first arrived I asked her one question: How do I stop these thoughts? That was the only question I wanted answered. I didn't need a series of visits. A phone call or email would have done. All I wanted to know was how I could stop these thoughts. It seems I have sort of come full circle in that time or maybe fallen right back. I never got an answer but there is no answer, though it would have been nice to have been told that. Its not how to stop the thoughts because those are a habitual product but how to react to them differently. Oh wouldn't we love to know that answer to that. Because we are all defined by labels: The agoraphobic, the person with GAD, the OCD sufferer, the person dealing with PTSD, the depressive, the social phobic etc. That makes it more complex that it really is. In every case there is a constant and that is unwanted thoughts which cause an emotional response because we do not know how to react to them. If we could react differently to thoughts then we, regardless of pigeon-hole, would not have a problem. So how do we react differently?

Grant me the serenity

Anyone who's life is restricted by frequent panic attacks, or any other mind block, has most likely been told or has read that the only way to rid themselves of them is to see them through. And this is what we believe. Within this belief self doubt is born and the path to hopelessness is tread because for a lot of us we have tried this and failed every time. Hope dies with each failure. So for us it would appear that the solution is beyond our grasp and what a big hole that blows in our view of the future.

I know at least that is how it has been for me. Over the past few years I have put myself in situations that are panic inducing. Sometimes I can cope but mostly I can't. The one thing that remains though is that every time I do it the intensity of the experience remains high and I have yet to see panic through. Or at least that is what I have thought. Its actually not true.

Since my first panic and learning that I have to pass through panic I have thought myself unable to do it. I've looked back at the many occasions in the car and out walking when I have had to flee. Sometimes I have tried to stay with it but eventually given up and ran. Partly I don't quite believe it will pass and also if it does pass then I may be left shattered by the experience leaving me of little use to anyone. What I cannot believe is that I have failed to see the many times I have passed through panic. All the failed times I recalled were those situations where I had the choice to get out and did. But what about the times I had no choice? What about the times when there was nowhere to run to or run from?

For a lot of us, if not all, the place we flee to when we panic is home. What happens though if the panic surfaces in the home? There is nowhere to run to and there is no way out of it because your instinctive safe place is actually where the fire is. Its the worse kind of panic in my experience. It is more agitating that panic outdoors and lends more to the sense of despair. There is no choice. You have no option but to see panic through.

I have had panic at home many times so I have therefore passed through panic many times. And from my own experience I can see it is not a solution for me. So if that is the only way I am indeed stuffed. Repeated passing through has not made the intensity any less, my fear of a return any less or the actual return any less frequent. This GAD is just a fancy umbrella term for that constant threat, the high state of alert. But this knowledge is good because I now know at least that running into brick walls outside is doing me no good. Avoidance and fleeing are not doing me any good either but they are better than the alternative which is not a long term answer either. In my case both are futile so I might as well take the option with the least torment. The only negative in fleeing and avoiding is guilt but I can now chip away at that in the belief that I have nothing to feel guilty about.

When my mind is free of anxious and negative thoughts throughout the day it usually turns to looking how to change my situation for the better. Its a bit like the prisoner going through the monotony of the day in solitary while having those little moments to plan an escape. Nothing has changed and nothing ever seems to change regardless of effort. Maybe it about time I stopped planning the escape and just get used the the idea that this is how things are going to be. Like the proverbial prisoner it might be better just just serve my time with minimum fuss and no add more time to it with repeated failed escape attempts.

Recently I have started to question everything again. For a few years now I have assured myself that I understand my state but this understanding alone is not enough to find a solution. Over the last week or so though I have started to question that. The logical part of the brain is not happy as that statement does not compute. What if this understanding isn't right? I am just reading what are considered the expert views on the subject which are general rather than specific to the individual. What if the reason so many people are still stuck is because they are buying into something they believe is right but actually isn't? At some point when you are not moving forward and are indeed still stuck I think you have to question the situation. I am not religious but I am starting to see the sense in the following quote which has popped up three times this week in my life alone.

"Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"- St Francis of Assisi

Allowing the water to settle

I've just about finished, 10 pages to go, reading "The Celestine Prophecy" and finding my will to read on is slipping. For anyone who hasn't read the book its a parable about human enlightenment which takes place via nine insights. One of the things that struck me reading it was that Eckhart Tolle's "A new Earth" seems to lend a lot to it but at least Redfield's was a work of fiction. That reminds me if there is a book that has become a best seller because it had been plugged by Oprah Winfrey then avoid it. Tolle's books and books like "The Secret" being prime examples- the latter claims to use the mystery of the universe for material gain which is not a concept I can get my head around. For example if you want a million dollars then you just have to ask the universe for it and by the law of attraction it will be yours. Well at least that was my understanding of it, I couldn't stand more than 50 pages. Don't you just love these kind of books for all the wrong reasons? I just had a sneak at the next book I am going to read and it claims: "Find out why the mental and physical deterioration associated with aging is not natural, and how you can retrain your youth." Mmm...maybe not.

Back to the original book I was talking about. I actually liked some of the ideas for the most part except for the leanings toward vegetarianism and the idea that for humanity to move forward there should be only one child per parent. But it is fiction and so I can put up with little annoyances but the nearer it gets to the end the more into ludicrous overdrive it goes which is making it hard to read on. The idea of how times have changed intrigued me. Of the masses believing in their church and when that all fell apart moving toward scientific method where everything had to be proven. What it led to is a dwindling of mystery. That which cannot be measured in some way doesn't exist. And I think that is something we miss in our lives. It has conditioned us, Western culture at least in general, to dismiss the unexplained too quickly. More than that though it makes us lean on the understood view without questioning it- I am thinking about anxiety here. Again what if it is not as straight forward as we are told it is? And if it were that straight forward then it would certainly be more manageable than it is proving to be within the health service who in reality don't actually appear to understand.

That's not a road I want to go down at the moment. Instead I was wanting to talk about something else from that book. There were a few things that intrigued me. The concept of unseen energy was one which we can find way back from acupuncture to Franksenstien. Another was the first insight in the book which would see restlessness to begin with which I am sure some of us can relate to. It would also see individuals start to notice coincidences. Now as I said this is a work of fiction but it resonated with me because I have been noticing a lot of coincidences of late- especially where negative thinking and incidents later are concerned. But what really hit me was tonight when I decided to look back at this time last year to see what I was posting about because I have had trouble thinking what to write. As you may have noticed I have re-jigged the layout here and this time last year I did the same but I didn't know that until I looked back tonight. In fact it wasn't by choice as I tried to change the banner and the template became corrupted so I had no choice. Also though I made a post about synchronicity (or more precisely Synchrodestiny by Deepak Chopra). On top of that I also noticed that I had mentioned last April of having a period where I could not shake the feeling of impending doom which was scary. For a couple of days there I thought I was losing my sanity and I now see it is actually the same thing. Well I didn't actually think I was losing my sanity but the feeling was there in my mind and I couldn't shake it so it was quite hard to argue with- that is the nature of obsessive thoughts.

Best of all though looking back at April last year and seeing so many coincidences I can also look to what came after that. From May to June until the end of the year things really picked up. That has given me a boost. It seems like I am playing through the same cycle again as the previous year which hasn't been great for the past few months but now will hopefully improve again. The big splash at the start of the year is still rippling but with time they are losing momentum and the water is starting to settle again.

Trust

I drove, we all do. In the beginning I drove as fast as was humanly possible in order to see just what the machinery under my control was capable of. The boundaries stretched to breaking point before easing off the accelerator so as not wreck the engine. Then it was time to slow down. There was no point rushing the journey with so much to see. The longer I drove the more I slowed and the more of the surroundings I observed at a leisurely pace. At some point there may have been warning lights flashing on the dashboard but I was too wrapped up in the new wonder to notice. And then suddenly out of the blue I came to a halt. There was no more fuel, the tank was empty. That was a shock but never did I believe half a decade on I would still be sitting there on the plain with nothing but hills, dust, sky and sun as far as the eyes could see.

The days changed from there. In general observation you may say they were always the same but they were not. They all had their little differences. It was like a recurring dream that is familiar but somehow different in its own way. Each day started with awakening there and all day long I would desperately turn the ignition. Over time this is where the change occurred. In the beginning the engine would not start. Over time though I would get it coughing enough to start moving forward. There I would bump along awkwardly on an empty tank before finally coming to a halt once more. The fumes taking me so far but not far at all in the scheme of things. Some days I got further than others, some days less. Always though I knew in the back of my mind that no matter how far I got it was never going to be enough and I would awake the next day back where I started.

That is how it has been each and every time. In the early days I clung to the hope that another vehicle would drive my and lead me out of there but as time passed I learnt that no one was coming- ever. Sometimes I'd turn on the radio and a voice would promise me that the future would be different. Sometimes I believed and sometimes not but alas nothing has changed except the sound of the voice. Endlessly I would sway between the two truths until one day I turned it off altogether. But the next day I turned it on again in hope. This is the agitation of being caught in bewilderment and desperation.

And so today I woke up and I am still here- in this place. It is no surprise. My vehicle has bumped along a few feet. Nothing much and a futile task as I know I will be back here at the start again tomorrow again but it beats sitting still. Over 1000 days of 24 hours have strangled all but the deepest set belief that things might one day change. Repetition does that. Life is about learning and that is what my mind has been told. I cannot help but see the endless repetition of more days like this lying in wait.

There is a difference between this present moment and that of 10 or 20 years before. It is one of trust. Back when I was younger I was fearless and I trusted myself to the point that I didn't have to think about it. I was master of my body but now I am not fearless because I can no longer trust my body- or myself. It no longer does as I ask and I have become accustomed to it shutting down on a regular basis and holding me back. I cannot trust it to take me where I want to go. It reacts of its own accord and defies me. Prolonged bewildering illness, that was when the trust was lost. After trust began to dwindle that is when the body started to disobey. It would frighten me for the sake of it. When I was somewhere peaceful in my own head space it would leap, jolt and shake me out of my dreaming with a shock. It is a devious beast of a thing this rebel. And now that I have found the task of taming it or getting it to submit a fruitless one I must look for other options. One thing I know for sure is that something which was one has become divided by mistrust and it is the issue of trust which continues to keep them apart.

What I am trying to say in my own round about way is that I don't see much change nor foresee much change in the near future. I really have to get this clear in my head as I have been approaching this in completely the wrong way. When I looked at my problem I saw two main issues I needed to tackle. Those were getting out and staying out. In order to face them I have walked every day, with the exception of a few, for almost the past year and for the last 6 months been going out in the car. I can see progress if you want to call it that but it never going to be a solution. I have fooled myself. These efforts are worth it and I will carry on doing them but they are not the going to change my situation in the longer term. If I did this for the next 10 years I still would not be very much further forward because I am missing the real issue here. I am not at peace. While I am not at peace I am never going to go far and won't stay out for long. It is this internal issue I must tackle over and above everything else. When I step out of the door or when I get in the car I am agitated by the accumulation of constant nervous tension. It comes with me and even if I go further it is never with ease and will still be as hard the next day to repeat. That is why I wake up every morning back where I started. That is why the vehicle does not go very far and when it does it trundles along bumping on an empty tank. I have been looking in the wrong place. The 'agoraphobia' label is one I have given too much importance too. My primary problem is not that I am agoraphobic as this is just a secondry symptom. Its not that I have panic attacks because this is also secondry. I have constant background anxiety, that is the main problem. I need to fill that tank which is drained daily from general nerves and the tension it produces.

I am lucky to have already had in the past suggestions on this front here which I am most thankful for. One of those is breathing exercises. My problem has been that I have tried to employ those while out rather than the more obvious routine of learning them at home. Routine is the big part. At no point in the day do I put aside time to do things that may help calm me. Relaxation or maybe even meditation. Just something to bring that general anxiety down- even if its just a notch it will have been worth it. This is where I must place my efforts. I see that so clearly now. I have lost trust in my body so every time I go out it works against me. I must gain that trust again and the only way I can see to do that is to treat it better and try to care for it more. Or at least stop tensing up against it. If I don't I am going to wake up every day one that empty road again with an empty tank regardless of how far I bumped along the day before.

This general anxiety is always at a high level I think. When you read self help books they tell you to rate your anxiety. That's rubbish. It changes from moment to moment. By the time I write down it is at 8 it may have already gone down to 5 and as I cross that out jumped back up to 7. Its a constant variant. It does fluctuate so when I say its at a high level what I really mean is that it fluctuates between a moderate and high level. This is what makes even the thought of going out the door difficult and the doing it harder. It is also the reason I cannot enjoy the company of people indoors because I am always feeling it there. It is what lends to the self doubt and lack of confidence. It is was breeds the mistrust. It is the primary cause of all my problems hidden beneath the guises of anxiety buzz words like "panic" and "agoraphobia".

Now I see clearly. I see how it started, progressed and why I have been stuck in the loop. My anxiety problems started with a prolonged illness that soon become buried under the symptoms of the anxiety they created and I didn't see where one ended and the other begun. They persist but I've been looking for a way to get back out into the world to reclaim my life while it is near impossible in this current continued state of constant anxiety. That is the problem I thought I had to overcome but it is not, or at least not the root. Its not about overcoming panic. Its not about seeing how far I can get out. Its not even about seeing how long I can stay out. These things are all about seeing how long I can stand the rising anxiety which is already too high before I have even begun. It is all about dealing with the GAD and that is what it has always been about but I just never saw it until recently. Its time I now learned how to trust my body again and in the process become one with it rather than bitter enemies. My mission is to look for solutions and apply them. It is time I put aside time each day to try bringing that anxiety level down.

Finally let me take all that and turn it on its head. I started the last paragraph with "Now I see clearly". Do I? How many times have I thought that and then quickly thought the opposite? Its the strength of finding the truth you have searched for followed by the almighty crushing doubt of finding it was a lie. The anxious mind does that. You think black, it counters with white. This malicious anxious mind may be duping me again. Maybe it is behind it. Maybe it makes me believe that it is all the thought of the body. It is my mum without friends putting thoughts into my dad's head to send him off on one while she stands back and watches the carnage from a distance. This useless rogue body may not be the problem at all. Can I live with these constant sensations of nervous tension? Is it not actually my mind that is telling me that I can't and therefore actually shoveling more coal onto the furnace in the process? A lot of self help books say that if you accept these problems they will go of their own accord because they will no longer matter. Is it really this simple process which has alluded me and keeps me stuck? The mind is devious. It has told me to blame the body and like the innocent sheep I am I followed its lead. Maybe I have lost my trust in the wrong antagonist. The body keeps me alive and strives to do so when it percieves any danger. Its job is solely to keep me alive. The mind though is doing nothing helpful as I see it. Maybe its not my lack of trust my body but that I have placed too much trust in my ego that is the real problem. If I can relax, live with the sensations as they are and stop believing what my ego says then therein might be a better standard of living. One day I may wake up, turn the ignition and drive off with a full tank. Its a state of mind. I know that anyone who has GAD will agree that you will definitely know when you find peace and only in that peace can you truly tackle the outside world. Only from a state of relative calm can exposure really work because without it the exposure means absoloutely nothing. The reason being that the general high anxiety is still there the next day making it hard to repeat what you did the previous day never mind go further.

Mars

Oh I know its a crap image but my little compact camera isn't powerful enough for capturing planets. Still that is no excuse for not being able to focus but after taking over 40 shots none were very good. Its quite an amazing view up here though tonight. After a snow fall today the night has a clear sky. Tonight is the biggest moon of the year an not only that but along side it you can see Mars. I just wish I could post what my naked eye can see but such is life. Hopefully some of you will see it where you are- if you like that sort of thing.

I could look at the sky for hours on end. There is something very relaxing in cloud formations- for me anyway. Its just such a vast everchanging body relatively undisturbed by man and allows you to see just how small and insignificant we are. Tonight though it is Mars that looks insignificant next to that big moon face, such is perspective.