Strange Christmas

  

It's been a strange old Christmas for sure if for nothing else because I spent it with my family. If someone had told me a year ago I'd be doing it then I would have assumed another recovery and I'd gone up North with them. I wouldn't have thought we'd be spending it at home. Certainly not have expected it to be in isolation on the eve of a lockdown with a daughter carrying a virus guilty of causing a pandemic. This is how it was.

Strangely as it turns out it was the best Christmas for a while. We had none of the usual dramas with the kids seemingly happy with their lot. And at least it was enjoyed together. Usually I am alone and although I never say it I do feel alone. But while it was fine for me and the kids it was hard for my wife. Its her first Christmas without her mum and wanting to spend it with her dad and sisters she was instead absent.

It is what it is though. I hope the people who couldn't spend this period with loved ones can do next year. It's been tough for everyone but for a large number it will be Christmas without people gone throughout the year. I hope there are better times ahead for them. 

Eve

It's Christmas Eve in all but name so I'll keep it short. It's been a real lazy day only venturing out to walk the dog. It feels minus out there but not enough to turn white. It's day 7 of our isolation and thankfully still no symptom for any of us but oldest girl remains confined to her room.

And the big news is that Brexit now appears to be over. A deal has been agreed but I am too tired of it all like everyone else to know if its good or bad. Some kind of end is good enough for me. I am hopeful in time it will serve us both well. We are an island and as such should not be administered by the main land- on my view. But that is no reason not to work together for our mutual benefit and hopefully in time that is what will happen. 

Positive

 

My wife was all ready for work. She has a second job now working for the same company as our daughter but not in a care home. She had collected the car and dressed to go when after disappearing to see the oldest she returned to say the oldest had received a positive covid result. The day I have been dreading. As always the test was Friday so she has been positive for at least 4 days at that time. The message said we all must isolate. Its the second time of forced isolation but the previous time there was no positive test at our end at least.  

I won't lie I am not good with these things. I got a bottle of malt for my birthday at the start of the month and so poured one dram to take the edge off. It did its job. My wife had to cancel her shifts and arrange for someone to pick up the car. Our daughter was due in work that night but obviously can't which has upset her. Right in time for Christmas too which has put my wife's plans up in the air.

This is the news we have been dreading yet expecting. Track and trace said isolation starts from Monday so we are indoors until the 29th. So they say but I'm not having it. My daughter was tested before she finished work at 8 am on Friday. That for me is day one, the 18th, so 27th is when it ends all going well. It looks a long way off now. 

Aside from that though the main thing is we all stay safe. My daughter appears fine and we are taking all the precautions but I fear she is going to be harder to contain than her sister. As of today she has shown no symptoms so I'm hopeful the test is wrong. We have all been OK too so far. Its just the worry of it. It is definitely going to be a Christmas to remember for a mixture of reasons. 

Family

  

It is a testament to just how cluttered and out of date our pinboard is in the kitchen that when I decided to de-clutter it I found lots of old things buried within. Mostly there are old take away menus from places no longer trading and bills long paid as well as information no longer relevant. Its easier to pin up than take down it would seem. There are even some old newspaper clippings. Not really anything of note, worth keeping or really making a blog post about.

Except that is for the drawing above. I'm 90% sure my younger girl drew it. I don't know when that was but given the boy has a milk bottle here and is at high school now I'd guess at least 8 years ago. Oh to go back to those days when things were simpler. It's a great drawing which says more than I could write in a small post- for example why the artist in question is angry while the rest are happy. But I won't. There is a point I think where you have to keep things private and that is that I wanted to say in this post. There are things going on in this little family unit and more with extended family that I won't go into despite being factors in our life at the moment. I guess my point is that I just wanted to say is that the picture I paint here is not the whole picture and I think that is generally the case with all bloggers. Sometimes the picture is better than the truth and the words behind it. 

Deer

 

Out walking today today again with my wife and the dog to our usual quiet place. It is so calming. Sometimes I am reluctant prior but usually glad when I am out and reluctant even at times to return. But in terms of blogging there is not a lot to say about a quiet gentle walk in which nothing happens and certainly not for the 4th, 5th or 10th time. It is though all that broke up an otherwise slow deer.

Perspective is a strange thing. Even now I cannot understand why a big glowing moon before me looks like a pinprick behind the lens. Likewise with wildlife. I see so much, snap and later look back to find nothing. Take this deer. Its OK but should be much better. This is blown up and still not clear. Yet to the naked eye it looked maybe 20ft away. We were separated by a small stream so it didn't panic and instead just lazily observed me knowing I could do it no harm. The dog didn't bother it either. 

I miss my camera. I'm hoping soon to start using it again. Obviously not for here until I've finished my 365 thing but in time. So many wasted opportunities. 

The first day of a new era

  

First I would like to apologise for so many dark posts. In truth as bad as they were they did not even touch the surface. I had to delete some things at times because they were so bad. What I have been going through mentally cannot be put into words. I cannot convey my mental state sitting awake in the dark with too little sleep tormented by worry. It was my intention last week to delete this blog because I could find nothing good to say and I saw no point in just dumping my negativity daily. Such a dark place. I do though talk of this in the past tense.

I am not religious but I was desperate and so I prayed. Its something desperate people do. I prayed to someone, not a god, for just one break. I didn't ask for a lottery win nor an anxiety free life. I just wanted one helping hand to at least have a shot at turning things around. All I asked for was what a stranger told me a few weeks ago I was entitled to. That didn't mean I would get it. In fact it was highly likely I wouldn't even though other people were. But I prayed for it. I would say there are thousands of people with worse problems and I tried to remind myself of that but it was 

What did I want? A small income to aide me while I tried to recover. In 2017 I felt I had recovered 90%. I felt I was close to being agoraphobia free as I had no panic related to being away from home and felt I could travel anywhere- not by public transport but that was no agoraphobia related. I went from that recovery which took a few years to about 10% recovery in a few months. There was one factor in that and that was the DWP stopping my ESA payments. I could go on but won't. That was the issue so I prayed for these to be reinstated. 

They have been reinstated. I feel like someone has had their foot pressed on my windpipe for 4 years. I have wanted to recover, feel I know what it takes, almost got there before but have had money problems preventing me moving on. I just wanted that problem removed long enough to allow me to do what I need to get progressing through recovery again. Getting my ESA was vital to that and looked impossible but somehow its there again. Were that not good enough I have also had what I was owed backdated. This is quite incredible as it means I can clear most of the debt which has been hanging over me for over 15 years. It was a real emotional rush unlike any I have felt for a long time. My wife said she actually noticed a physical change in my face as I realised this. It was like all the strain and stress if the past 4 years relaxed in one moments. 

The pic above is the view from my living room window. I see it every day and it rarely changes but now it's different. It's brighter and better. I can breathe for the first time in a long time. There is this empty threat still lingering like an impression but that will go in time. I can breathe. I am in a state of happiness which is unfamiliar. And the kids can have Christmas too which is another bonus.

I look out the window and it really does feel like the first day of a new era. Its the start. In January I will commence my cbt again and with the walks I am sure I will get back to where I was. This time though I don't have that threat hanging over me. This time it cannot halt my progress. I prayed for a break and I got one. Now its up to me to take this gift and move forward with it. That is what I plan to do. 

The regular income helps but it was actually biting a huge chunk out of my debt that has changed things. It is not worth going into detail but it really dragged me down this past 4 years because for the first time I had nothing in my account to pay the minimal repayments so was having to get my wife to help. Being able to squash that means that I will not be in that dark place ever again because even if the DWP stop my money we can still get by. Obviously now my wish is to recover and start making my own money so I don't have to rely on anyone other than myself.

Times ahead are looking better personally. I really feel this time I can get to the summit. Everything is now in place to do that. One step at a time though. 

Reading

 

A brand new Kindle long overdue. My last was my mum's old one and it was on its last legs. It was actually putting me off reading because the display was slow updating and a bit foggy. So much so that the last 2 books I read were paper copies, old style. But now I have a new ereader. It felt nice to unbox something new for myself for the first time in a long while. I do appreciate it more. The irony is it had nothing to do with my improved financial state. I had earned a £50 Amazon voucher playing games which was to go toward Christmas presents but no longer required. And I got another voucher for my birthday.

I feel like a kid with a new toy. There are a few books I really wanted to read and with the excess from the vouchers I can get some if those too. Also though not having to play these games to earn vouchers now means I have time to read. That is all part of recovery in its own way and I look forward to it. 

Lost

  

As I said previously my wife and I have been taking the dog places where we are mostly alone which has been good for us all. Above is the "secret garden" which is not secret really of a garden but all locations need a reference point and that is the name we have given it. Here the dog runs around with a long training lead tailing him. It's flat and easy to keep an eye on him with the only concern passing trains to the top right. There is a fence but I'm not sure there are no gaps and as he has a tenancy to run full pelt at moving vehicles it unsettles me a little do I don't let him go too far.

The other day we followed a high path we had never been to explore. It was off the beaten track but not enough to make it impassable. All good until the dog disappeared. Two things followed. As I looked about a big male deer went charging past my vision but still no dog. Then finally on the main path I saw the dog charging past. I shouted and he heard but could not locate me so vanished. For 5 minutes my wife and I searched with no luck, it felt 10 times longer. Panic set in.

My fear was he was gone. My fear was in his fear he would keep running petrified and lost. Then other fears. The train line- I thought back to that day a deer ran past me and out in front of a moving train chased by a dog. Within 5 minutes walk a busy dual carriageway. That was to the north. To the south a fast running river which had taken many a human life and at least one canine one. I thought of dogs off their lead. I thought of the idiots on off road bikes I saw 2 days earlier. I thought how I had to get home. With panic overwhelming me all I could think about was leaving my wife alone to search while I raced home. The panic was so bad.

I tried to fight it but it was making me tremble. My breathing again shallow. My vision blurring. My wife had gone one way while I searched another. I wasn't really looking. I was just roaming. Then something caught my eye. I turned and up a slope in a densely wooded area I could see a black figure. Still. I was sure it was a deer. I called out but nothing. I then began to think it might be a tree or something but I walked that way any way. I started to calm and as I approached I could see it was the dog. But something felt wrong. Why was he still. As I called out he didn't move, didn't even look my way. He was rigid.

He was fine, unharmed. But the stillness and unresponsiveness meant I kept my distance. I just had a feeling he was going to go for me. He looked spooked. He looked frozen by fear. Instead I went to lead him by his lead but it was tight. He was trapped. I followed the lead and felt spooked myself. It was snagged on a stump. But not quite snagged. To me it looked tied. That bothered me. There was no one around but it looked tied. Later I would wish I'd videoed it or taken some pics but I was too spooked by the silence and stillness of the dog. When I told my wife she looked and noted the knot and also noted it was not there before as she had unravelled it before giving it to me as she always does. Of course it probably knotted of its own doing but it's never happened before. Also the lead had come off a few times as its designed to do that. It's a strange well but I'm just glad it all ended well without me running off. 

Self Isolation

  

Like everyone else on the planet I have had the fear of contracting Covid19. So far it has been in another place from my little world so it has not been an issue. Now it is. Middle child had said a girl she hung about with at school had tested positive. I hoped we could wing it but on Monday I got a call and it turned out to be the school. Daughter had been identified as coming into contact and so was to isolate for 14 days starting from last Friday when the girl got the test. Obviously concern number one is that she is positive too. Secondary is that we are next. 

I'd love to say we set her up in the West Wing and will see her hopefully fit and well in 10 days time or so. Unfortunately we live in a small flat. It's impossible to avoid contact. Also because she is is set up in one bedroom for this period my wife and I have to sleep on a couch each in the living room. Small sacrifices of course in comparison to people losing loved ones. It's just to point out its not the same for all. We have to allow her some time out with a mask for her own mental health but generally she will be stuck in a room for over a week.

She has been given a lot of school work today but we have nothing to do it on given my lack of working laptops. I'm hoping the school might help us out there. It's not ideal. It's times like this I wished we had a house and a garden but we don't. And as I said before we are thankful that we not only have each other but are relatively untouched by this virus so far. We have more to be thankful for than a lot of others. Still though it's far from great. 

Pigeon

 

A pigeon in a box. That is what today was all about sadly. We went out to the shops in the car and noticed a pigeon huddled into the side of the building. When we came back it was still there. I took the bags up stairs while my wife went to investigate and was joined by some other neighbours. There was something wrong with it. The neighbours got a plastic box for it and something warm. My wife called the sspca. They sent someone around.

It was nice to see people working together. To be perfectly honest I would be useless in an animal emergency. I wouldn't know where to start. Thankfully it was not up to me. 

Although the troubled bird had better people to look after it the intervention probably came too late. We will never know, maybe thankfully. The sspca girl inspected and noted the bird was riddled with mites as well as showing symptoms of a common brain disease. Don't quote me though as I was not there. But the chances of a good outcome were low. Cest La vie. 

Night walks

  

Walking at night brings a calmness that is not there in the day. There are several reasons for that. Mainly its quieter. There is less noise and in the dark less movement. Calm. Closer to sleep time without time anxiety over the long day ahead. More tired, tiredness means less anxious. All round its just a slower less stressful time to walk.

So I have been walking at night to counter the anxiety that is persistent throughout the day at the moment. I need it. If I don't walk late then I don't walk far and soon I don't walk at all. It's not all serene though. Above as you can see it can be menacing also. It's too dark in places, pitch black, and not always free of humans or animals. But those heightened moments are not frequent enough to matter and if I wanted I could take a different route. I don't though. These walks for now are just fine. Just what I need.

Another reason for the late jaunts is to tire myself. I'm not sleeping much of late. I try to push myself in the hope of deep as sleep. All I get though is snatches. Too short and too soon. Over time though I am hoping that doing it constantly will bring about a pattern but deep down know no matter how tired I am the demons still linger. 

The man

 

My daughter has started a new job as I mentioned before as a support worker. It has brought with it mixed emotions. On one hand having dropped out of school and having no desire to work it is a great joy to see her enjoying her new job and enjoying the pay that comes with it. She is a creature of habit who did not take well to be asked to come off house visits and instead do shifts at a care home. Once in though she really enjoys that too. It should be all good. But there is a part of me that has been filled with concern. When she told me some of the things she deals with it set off alarm bells. She mentioned one woman who is constantly scared and needing reassurance. Another who screams all the time. Hard enough for most folk to deal with but unimaginable really for a 17 year old with no training. It concerns me.

What tipped it for me though was today telling me that a new patient had arrived, a man. She was asked to take him to his room alone. I should say she works nights now. She did this but in a room alone the man got threatening. He told her to get on the bed which she refused. She feared he was going to punch her. Thankfully she managed to leave.

It would alarm any parent. My initial reaction was to call her employers but then I fear I may be overstepping the mark- it's not my place. That is hard. I had to mull that over. I know I would not get any sleep if I said nothing. If I said something then she would be annoyed. So in the end I just insisted that she is not left alone again with anyone and if anyone tried to force her to do so then I would intervene. I would imagine tbst should not be happening anyway and fear as a young girl she may not get the guidance she needs.

But aside from that one incident she loves her work. And I also have to say generally the people gave been very good with her. She is happy and so if I can keep her safe I think things will work out there. 

Vandals

  

Mt plan was for a Remembrance day post today but not to be. The church close to us has a very nice poppy display on the side of the building which I took a few photos of. There is a spotlight too so at light it is lit up. That was the intention at least but other events have changed my mind. 

First thing on Sunday morning I had to take the dog down the park to the local skate rink against my better judgement still trying to contain my fury. The intense anger is only surpassed possibly by frustration. I feel like I need to let out a primal scream that will be heard for miles around until my throat dries out completely. I feel like kicking walls and all the rest. But also a little voice is telling me to just accept things and move on.

On Saturday my wife took the oldest and youngest up north to see her dad. She had hoped for an overnight but because of current restrictions she had to come home instead. Middle child didn't know that know. She was allowed to stay with me as she had promised to go out with her pal . Without going into it some past events when she has gone out in the last year means that I was not happy about her going out while it was just me to look after her. She is my daughter but let me just say I cannot  go to a hospital or a police station or pick her up from somewhere far off or go out looking for her if it came to that. But it was my wife that allowed her to go out even though she was going away and at the time expected to be away all night. She allowed our daughter to go out on the promise she would be back at six.

She went out thinking it was just me and her for the rest of the night. As such she knew I could not go out looking for her if she didn't come home on time. I emphasised that this was a trial and if she disappointed me she would not be allowed to do this again. I should also point out that I could not contact her as she broken her iPhone. Instead she was using a phone given to her brother by her cousin. I won't go into detail but I spent 3 hours livid not knowing where she was and when she came home she had crocodile tears. I was too angry to ask. Eventually she blurted out that some boys had taken her phone and smashed it up down at the skate park. When my wife came home later she hit the roof. She asked why I had not gone down into the darkness of an unlit skate park to confront a mob of drunk teenage boys. Part of me thought I should too but then part of me thought what would be the point. It was done. I would not get the phone back. She did not know who did it. The police would not do anything. Angst all round. 

So the following day I went down the park and in the photo above is all that remains of the phone. It turns out she left her phone there by accident and when she went back to look for it some boys had it. Not just that but despite her tears they took great delight in smashing it to bits in front of her. As much as I'd like to throttle them I can't get by my anger at my daughter knowing the situation and being so selfish. This all happened after six. Her friend had gone home at that time as planned but she decided to stay out with another friend she met. She knows we are strapped for cash but despite that has ended up with a smashed phone. Before that another broken phone and before that she got after a phone her auntie which she left on a train a few days after getting it. That is two angry autnies on top of everything else. Frustration definitely trumps anger here. She needs a phone but we have no money to give her one and to be honest even if I had the money I could not use it on a phone right now given I know what would no doubt happen next. These iphones are not cheap but they treat them that way.

I would like to think she has learned her lesson but I don't think she has. For whatever reason her and her friends seem to gravitate towards these types of mindless yobs.  

Fireworks

 

I was dreading fireworks night because of the dog. He didn't seem to mind strangely. Maybe he's used to it. The damned things have been going off for a week anyway. He seemed fascinated. Last year I just kept the windows closed to buffle sound but they are so loud now it's impossible to mute them. It didn't bother him though. He watched on enquiringly. Indoors that was at least. A later walk was very different. He was scared witless and so I cut it short.

I do think some of these over the counter fireworks are getting a bit too heavy duty. I do like the idea of keeping them to an organised event, outside of this pandemic, but that is also hypocritical given how I enjoyed a small selection out the back with the kids when they were younger. Very much small fry though. Having something that looks like it should have ACME written on the side fly by the window can be scary. A boom that almost shatters the window is alarming. I get the feeling there is a bit of one upmanship about it all. Then again I do have to say it's only since owning a pet I have thought that way. 

It's a strange night. It's a bizarre sort of thing because although people are isolating and distancing the celestial displays cannot stay personal. They are there for all too see. Whether you are in your garden with neighbours or alone at a window there is still a shared experience. A bit too loud for my liking to be honest. I just like the visuals. I think the dog does too. 

Employment and Support Allowance

 

Its that time of year again when 3 letters sees the line graph that was slowly climbing over months plummet to the axis in a single moment. DWP and ESA are the 2 reasons I spent most of Friday on the phone taking very little in and just trying to stay on the phone long enough to finish a call before panic makes me end it. Its like an anxiety rodeo. It's no fun trying to stay on and the longer you stay on the more stress and anxiety build. When the bucking stops it can be mentally dangerous. Nothing stops with the call. Sleepless nights and anxious mornings follow. Dread is constant without resolution. Panic is a threat always.

Anyway I now await news on whether my case can be reopened. It's complicated. If its not reopened then not only can I not get my ESA now under any circumstances but also I cannot claim again because that will be a year of not paying stamps. Its grim for sure. So today I go to the door to find 4 Manila envelopes. More dread. The plan is to put them somewhere, mentally prepare and look next week. It does though mean another week of mental torture but that is better than looking into the probable financial abyss. Or at least that was the plan until I saw the phrase "tax credits". Not ESA. I can breathe again but at some time more envelopes will arrive and I will have to look at them. 

A quick recap is surely needed. In 2017 when for the first time in over a decade I was heading towards being fit for work the DWP stopped my money. For most of that year and all of 2018 I had no money coming in and enough financial woes as a result to wipe out years of progress. In December 2018 my appeal was upheld, my ESA was reinstated and a couple of weeks later my ESA was stopped again as the process was restarted. June 2019 it all came to an end. Medical Services wanted a letter from my GP to day why I could not attend a medical. My GP faxed medical services and I heard no more. Stupidly I assumed that act had been enough. Stupidly again I did not check my bank account for a year through fear of finding something I did not want to see. The backdated pay I received at the time meant I could take a break from the anxiety. When I did look I found I had not been paid since June 2019 and my claim was closed.  

My own stupidity? 100% it was. The easiest thing to do would have been to look at my bank account in the months after my GP sent the fax and if the repayments had not restarted then contact them. Its easier for me to say that now. I cannot describe in words how draining this process is. I buried my head in the sand hoping everything would be alright because I could not face more dread. Not a proper night of sleep for weeks and months. Disturbed sleep actually. Nightmares. And when you wake and the thoughts are not there it only takes seconds for the dread to creep back in then the cold sweat comes on and you feel some sort of horrible feeling running through you. Yet a call could have stopped it. The unknown brought no relief. But again I just could not face it. 

So that is where I am at. I don't like talking about personal stuff like finances but it has played such a part in my anxiety that I have to. If the sleepless nights and constant feeling of impending doom from it were not bad enough it is compounded my my recovery from anxiety disorder being torn to shreds. All my progress has disappeared. I push on though. Its all I can do but I know I am swimming against the tide at the moment. 

Pizza

  

An image of my kids having a take away tonight which over the past 5 years or so is not unusual on a Sunday- this was a Saturday. Before lockdown going to church on Sunday evening followed by a take away was what happened. And if there was no church there was still take away every Sunday. And when there was church it was latterly just my wife and boy that went. But always take away. It is something I was not entirely happy about. The cost was not the problem. I felt take-aways were better enjoyed sparingly. Getting one weekly took the joy out of it. Also it had become unappreciated and expected to the point there was no thanks for it but angst when we threatened to remove it. It got to the stage my wife was actually driving to two different places because the kids could not agree where to get it from. 

With lockdown and a need to cut back we finally reduced this treat to once a month. As I predicted the kids really enjoyed it as a result when they got it. That is the way it should be and that is the way it has been. Its saved us money and given them a real reason to look forward to it and then enjoy it.

The above image though is unusual. This is not take away night and yet they have take away. On Friday my daughter got her first pay and decided to treat her siblings to pizza. It was nice to see. It was a moment worth capturing. It feels like life is moving on. The transition from child to adult has started. More importantly though they are all getting along. In a flat as small as we live that is an important thing. 

Notebook

 

While technology moves forward I appear to be moving backwards since lockdown. I went into it working from a very good Windows 10 laptop which fell to pieces shortly after. In recent months I've had to use my mother in laws old Windows Vista laptop which ran virtually nothing but was still better than nothing. Today the screen went black forever more. Meanwhile my last resort, my phone, still keeps going but has developed a dead spot which seems to be growing. When that happened to my last phone it was unusable shortly after. Someone somewhere is having a laugh.

I am therefore resigned to working very much offline via a notebook. I used to fill these up regularly until I moved to digital and gave not written much via a pen for a long time. That is what I am back doing now. Its weird. It feels foreign but soon it will feel familiar and I know it won't break of need a charger. 

Niksen

  

Niksen, a Dutch term meaning to do nothing. I am not sure that it is represented in the image above but its not easy to do. My thinking here is that it's a scene where I could sit and watch the world pass by without doing anything. It pulls me in. Mentally I'm active but physically disengaged allowing the involuntary system to keep me ticking over in auto pilot. That was the thinking.

Since my anxiety problems started there have been several questions and I asked them all to the two CPNs I had visit me in the past but got no answer. They are all related. I think back to trying to leave our flat to find the keys were not there and panicking because I was trapped yet before anxiety problems surfaced I was once stuff in a flat all day in Edinburgh without a concern. Its no different from now panicking at the mere thought of a 5 minute bus journey when once I was on a bus from Scotland to the Czech Republic and back. The question which arises is why I react to situations I cannot escape from. Why do I react so strongly! I react because I engage the situation when there is no need to. I overthink it. The answer then is to do the opposite: disengage and let go. Do nothing. Niksen. That though is easier said than done.

It goes back to my CBT: don't stir the pond. In short calm is a still pond. Anxiety is a whisk of a stick. In order to restore calm we don't counter whisk but instead do nothing. This is the quickest way for the pond to settle but also the hardest to do. Who would have thought doing nothing would be so hard to do. But it is. We are reactive by nature. We are primed always to take action. It's hard to just accept and let be when something is uncomfortable. The solution is simple but that does not make it easy. 

Care

  

This week provided a day for my wife and I to be proud of as our first born started her first job. Its not been an easy path. There have been many problems along the way and those problems don't stop here - it's a day to day thing. Too many problems to list but more importantly issues I don't feel comfortable putting out there even sort of anonymously because her life is her own. All I will say is that she struggled with the social side of school so she dropped out early and has been at home ever since. Not the best situation mentally for her.

Given these problems getting an interview has been difficult. In my mind though I thought that would be the easy part. It was therefore a massive surprise given her issues that she sailed through the interviews and was actually praised for how well she conducted herself. It has led to a job as a care worker. Early days but regardless of what happens next we are extremely proud that she has turned things around. And it wasn't the easiest of starts as she started at 7:45 and came home after 22:00 with a 2 hour break in between. She appeared to enjoy it though. Its not her chosen vocation  but she might have accidentally found an area she might excel in.

How the time passes. When I started this blog she was in primary one. It feels so long ago now yet at the same time some aspects feel like yesterday. Life marches on too fast. A year from now her sister may be looking for work in a different situation given her exams have been scrapped. Strange times but maybe better times ahead.

Deer

 

In the past I managed to capture quite a few deer images but it took time. It wasn't luck and it wasnt hard work but just solely down to being outdoors more. It is therefore not that surprising that until today I had not seen a deer for a while. Its testement to how little I have been getting out previously as well as how much more I am getting out now. The photo above is not great granted but its a start. I was walking along and suddenly aware of eyes on me. A very young deer. It stood staring and not moving until I stopped and took out my phone. By the time I snapped it was obscured.

It's not just deer. I've not seen many animals about apart from the odd squirrel and the visiting foxes. I look forward to that part again. I look forward to getting back into nature and out of the home. 

Criminal activity

 

We are quite lucky when it comes to news and even gossip in our town thanks to an online resource. A local online paper posts news as it happens as well as stories about charity work, jobs, new places opening, roadworks ahead and that sort of thing. What it has opened my eyes to is how many things people lose whether it's keys, phones, bank cards, pets or whatever. It provides a good service that way. So much so that having ditched Facebook a year ago I had to rejoin in a limited capacity to make use of it as I missed it. Its good. We went for a walk last week, my wife found a bank card, she contacted the paper, it was posted and very quickly the owner was reunited. With a large subscription you can see the benefits if say a bike was stolen and suddenly most of the town knows and has a picture of it. A modern age neighbourhood watch.

I don't know if it's because of this that I feel criminal activity is on the rise. Growing up I rarely saw news on TV except for its traditional slots so it didn't feel like the world was too bad but with today's 24 hour news across several feeds its a different story. Is it a rise in crime or just a rise in access to that knowledge?

One area where that question does not arise is when it's happening in front of you. Increasingly since the March lockdown I've seen the police more in my street. In particular the past 3 Fridays they have been in the next block in day time. This is significant as its a Friday when new faces appear because Friday is when people get a weekend pass from prison. And that is a problem. The Hamilton Advitiser was the big local paper around these parts when you paid got a physical copy and whenever you read of crime the perpetrator's address was usually care of Shotts Prison, Addiewell Prison or some other. Its when things happen for the worse. One of the saddest murders in these parts in recent years came at the hands of an offender out on leave intent on murdering someone, anyone.

On Friday police were in at a house again and that was that I though. Tonight though something major has happened and the only lucky thing for us is it happened shortly before my wife was due to take out the dog. It was silent outside but when my wife went out the door she was greeted by 2 police cars, a meat wagon and at least 10 officers. They were searching for something. One approached and asked if she had seen or heard anything in the lady 20 minutes. We heard nothing but on reflection the dog was going nuts around that tine- not unusual for him. Another meat wagon arrived with more officers. The street was taped off. Several times people turned up the street and were sent packing. They had a white car with all 4 doors open as well as the boot and lots of torchlights within. Something major.

This is something I never saw growing up and yet is because too regular an occurance in recent months. I do think lockdown is having an affect on criminal activity. People are angrier than usual and bored I. Some cases, desperate in others. The sooner things get back to normal the better. 

SARS-COV-1

 

Out of China a new strain of Coronavirus breaks and killing people indescriminately. It spread across the globe reaching down to Australia and over to the Americas. Sound familiar? It should. This was 2002, the SARS outbreak. The mortality rate was thankfully small in comparison to the massive loss of lives covid19 has caused but it should have been a warning as that strain directly relates to this current strain.

I remember this well but did not know it was related. It broke late 2002 and into 2003. I am sure its just coincidence but 2003 was when I became really unwell with what doctors called a "mystery virus". And I was not alone. My first daughter was born in June 2003. Some time between March and June I got very ill as I said and was continually back and forward to the GPS. At this time our midwife told us his friend had experienced the same thing. At the time in the media I noticed a splattering of similar cases with 2 involving footballers. Was there a link? My breathing in particular was badly affected and that was the main symptom of SARS. Might just be coincidence though.

In 2003 I remember the anger though in my work. There was a guy who was a bit of a maverick and a bit full of himself. No one knew what he did really. I worked on site for a company who provided IT to the main workplace. He seemed to work for neither but both. I remember though the big smile and the tan. The official line from WHO was to avoid travelling to Asia if possible and this ravaged the Asian tourist trade. One of the countries on the list was Thailand. This guy who did not even use his real name but instead referred to himself as "Bud" had against all advice gone to Bangkok anyway. He didn't care. There he was was his salesman smarm and tan letting everyone know he'd had a great time. But there was anger that he had been so selfish. No illness followed though so it was forgotten.

We worked in Portakabins. Given what we know now about how Coronavirus loves the indoors we were lucky. A Portakabins though us doubly was as there is no ventilation. Just coincidence though likely. But it makes me think further. Officially there were cases all over but only Canada reported deaths outside of Asia. Only 4 cases were recorded on the UK with no fatalities but it shows it was here. And it would most likely have come on an aeroplane so why were others not infected? Maybe they showed no symptoms. We only have large numbers now because of nationwide testing. There was none back then. How many went under the radar as mystery illnesses?

It might sound farfetched but there is no patient zero then or now so how do we know when infection started really and where it went first. Could we have had covid cases here before we knew it? The Nike conference incident would suggest so. How many more of them are there now? And how many 18 years ago when it wasn't scrutinised? Again it may just be coincidence. 

The postman always rings once

  

About 2 months or so ago I was sitting out when a DPD lorry pulled up. The delivery driver got out, went to the door beside me, chapped, waited 10 seconds, dropped the parcel on the door step, looked at me, shrugged and the drove off. This is not an enclosed space and could be deemed a main thoroughfare the local area. It is exposed. There is no fence. The parcel was left waiting to be picked up by anyone. I saw it happen a few times more. Some deliveries contain expensive things. It's scary.

I did though think it had stopped. A few weeks ago I got a delivery and the female with package in hand asked if I could step back when I opened the door. I did. She then threw the parcel over the threshold and took a snap with her phone. Progress at least.

The other day though I saw another parcel on a doorstep. Its not a neighbour I know. About 5 hours later after a walk I passed and it was still there. It could have anything in it. It could be something worth a few pound or multiple thousands. Either way it's shameful. It would not be as bad if a delivery time was accurate but they are not. My most recent one was due one day but came the day before and i nearly missed it because although the dog was barking like crazy I was under a sink painting and putting it down to another dog passing. It was only luck that the delivery driver had several local drops or I would not have spotted him after

For years I have taken in parcels for people and had the same in return. Its what neighbours do. I'm not blaming the drivers because they are only working to instruction. I don't know why it has to change but it has and I cannot see how it benefits anyone. I have taken in at least three parcels recently from close neighbours doorsteps and put notes through their doors. I don't though with neighbours I don't know because I would fear someone was thinking I was trying to steal it. 

X factor

 

Five years ago we took my oldest daughter on a Sunday to a church to see a singer she liked who at that time had become temporarily well known after appearing on the reality show "X Factor". We had to go into church for a bit which I didn't mind as an aethiest and nor strangely did my Catholic family despite the Church of Scotland minister's joy about something happening on July 12th. Anyway we attended and outside both daughters were able to get their pictures taken much to their joy as the singer happily mingled with his young female fans. Then appeared an older female well dressed if a bit over the top for a Sunday morning service. With her was a younger well dressed man who appeared to be her lacky. She arrived, sought, got a photo taken and as quickly left like she had never been there except for the photographic evidence. It intrigued me so much I took the photo above to later find out if I could find out who she was and what the point of it was.

I was confident it was politics but knew it was not our local MSP. It didn't take Poirot to discover it was in fact the local MP for the area. And it was even less of a surprise to find she was aligned to a party who liked a selfie and did not miss a photo opportunity when it was presented even if the time spend was so minimal as to clearly show no interest in the event, only self promotion. I don't do politics though. I'm not smart enough nor steeped in it enough to do so. I was took to Twitter to remark on the apparent hijacking of the Saltire as a political symbol only to be shot down quickly by someone giving me a history lessons with dates and places concerning that flag. I didn't have interest enough to check the facts, do my own research and construct a counter argument. My lack of interest so early was enough to tell me to stay out of political debate and leave it to the fanatics who will not change their stance any way. 

This photo came to mind though because the lady in question has become known to the whole of the UK overnight. All those photo opportunities were nothing compared to the publicity she is receiving now nationally and possibly even internationally to some degree- though swamped by today's news about President Trump testing positive for Covid19. If she was seeking the x factor she has it now but for all the wrong reasons.

I don't think I have ever seen quite a backlash as the one lady night when this MP posted an apology last night. As we see with the British Prime Minister and the American President this virus is so wide spread no one can hide from it. As we know from the mortality rate this is a killer virus that should be feared. Knowing these two things alone it is incredible that someone could knowingly carry this virus the length of the country and back. It is astounding that she can then not consider resigning on the spot and instead try to reassure us that she is now self isolating. If this was Joe Bloggs it would anger the country but for an MP privileged enough to get a test on tap its staggering.

Panic Buys

  

I hate to say I told you so but I told you so. Except I didn't need to say it. My wife and I had a debate of sorts two days ago concerning panic buys. My wife was of the opinion that a threat of lockdown would not lead to panic buys whereas I was convinced that is where it would lead. My wife's stance was the sane one. Why would it? This time around shops are well stocked. Lessons will have been learned: there is enough for everyone so no need to horde. Completely logical and how it should be in a sane respecting world. But that is not where we live. My point was that there were enough selfish people to start a chain reaction that would lead to panic buying again. There are enough people who only care for themselves regardless of whether it was the right thing to do. That is why last time there were people having to bin excess they bought and some who even had no regret doing it as long as they had enough.

Last night we were in Farmfoods and a guy came in with two young girls. He grabbed about 5 packs of toilet paper which must have held about 12 in each. His young girls grabbed an additional 1 each. Straight in and out. That was all. The start. 

Tonight we were in ASDA and went to the pasta aisle. All the cheap pasta was gone. Still some pasta left but nowhere near as much as usual. The toilet paper aisle was a similar story. We were able to get what we needed so no problems but the signs are there. Others will see that and it will spur them to stock up. This is how it starts. It's crazy. I really do hope lessons have been learned and stores limit multiple buys before this spirals again. 

Restricted

 

The need to put further lockdown restrictions in place is growing as quick as the restriction rate itself. Earlier in the week the UK government announced restaurants and pubs were to close at 10. Like the car following the car in front Scotland will no doubt do something similar tomorrow with enough of a variation to make it look like an original idea. To be honest I don't see that it will make too much of a difference. I mean if it was me wanting to go to either then going to these places before ten would not be an issue and if I had the infection I'd spread it just the same. Equally having just had a drive to push people into restaurants it seems wrong now to squeeze them again.

Personally I think this is the wrong move. I feel the best course of action now is forcing people to wear masks. There is an argument that should have happened from day one like some other countries but its easy to say now. Without doubt though when masks were introduced it should have been enforced. Even now all the signs about social distancing remain in shops and messages about cleaning hands still hang but I have not seen one sign concerning masks. 

Even tonight at the shops we had two woman pressed right up against the back of us at the checkout without masks. There is no deterant. And as so many are doing it there is little point in questioning them or you would be doing it constantly. People know they should be wearing masks. The fact so many know but are not doing it is where the real problem lies. Enforce this and there is no need to close down businesses early who are already paying a great cost in making their establishments safe. It makes no sense to me at all. 

The second

  

A second wave and subsequent lockdown looks more likely than not. I get the feeling this was the plan for some time but to avoid anger we have been drip fed what was really always inevitable. Maybe I am wrong, I hope I am. Bit by bit the land is given excuse to tighten the rules until soon it is nationwide without us realising it and without that major headline that would impact we're it done overnight. Its coming. If it does though will if end there.

It's the strangest of times. I can't imagine how this is for a young person. Nothing can go forward. It's like we are collectively sat with our wheels spinning in the mud. I can feel the frustration of those who just want to get back to normal and I feel the fear of those scared of what lies ahead in this continual uncertainty. I can't see anything getting resolved any time soon. 

The picture was painted by my daughter during lockdown for her art assignment. It's weird because there is nothing startling about it now. At the time though it looked like this would be over quickly and masks were not in use. Changed times. 

The Dandy

 

I don't want to make every post about walking but as I've only started getting out again in the last 2 weeks and it's been eventful of late I'll stick with it until there is nothing left to say. I may have to have a rest day though because in the past few days I have really been struggling physically and that invariably causes more anxiety the further I go. Tomorrow I might skip a day if its still a struggle. Then again sometimes when I accept that I get a second wind and back ready to push on again so if that is the case I won't pass it up.

The pic above is from a path named locally as "the Dandy". It apparently relates to the the past layout of the area where at one end the plebs like me resided and following this path led to the big expensive houses where the dandies lived. To the left are council houses and to the right is a big private house which was once a convent hence the high walls. The path actually doubles as a road here as ahead are new builds which a man stopped to tell me one day his daughter lived in and gave 5 rooms, private garage, etc. No road out though apparently which does not surprise me given house builders dont make money providing conveniences like that.

Anyway I am going off track here. I felt really exhausted today and did not want to go out. I pushed out but decided to forget my routes and go elsewhere close at hand. That brought me here. I've not been here in a long time but even as I got here I was already very anxious. I was uncomfortable. That was not the best time to go into somewhere basically enclosed. Panic. The worse so far. Shallow rapid breaths. Weak shaky limbs. Brain spinning like a top. Eyes blurry. Balance all over the place. It felt too far to push on but not to meant doubling back and adding to my journey. That said though adding to my journey also meant getting back to familiar territory quicker. In my mind that was more important. The voice was telling me to do it but I knew also turning back would be my first set back. I pushed on and eventually the anxiety eased. I should also point out when this happens I am suddenly not tired, exhausted, breathless and all the rest. Like I said yesterday though the deepest groove here was the panic not the recovery after.

It shows how much familiarity counts in these early days. Of course you can only do that by visiting places. That is OK. Its just important to see that and work with it. In this case if its going to cause anxiety then do it in stages until confidence increases and then repeat. It's not like that forever though. Just these early days. It is about confidence. Last time just a few years ago I got to a stage where I was fully confident in going anywhere. That needed small cautious steps like this first. I just need to be wise and patient then in time I'll get it back. 

Time Shift

  

Bothwell Bridge is a local landmark I have captured many times. It's not anything spectacular. It is though something a little different nearby. It's quiet-is and a little severe e. It's peaceful mostly. The arera was, and maybe still is, known as the Lido. It used to be a lot bigger before an expressway cut a large chunk out of it. There used to be gardens and flowers. People used up paddle knee deep. Whenever I am down here M uh mind goes back to those old photos I have seen of lots of happy families down here despite always being here alone. It's strange in a way.

Anyway I did not expect yo be here today and certainly not any time soon. I had a walk 2 days ago where I went way further than expected but still a long way off here. I had no time limit on getting here but at the earliest I thought October. I got near expecting fear to kick in, breathing to labour and all the usual stuff but nothing, just normality. I got to the top of the steps. Just a photo. Could not get a clear view. More steps. I was at the bottom. Might as well walk along a bit. All good. Then suddenly a strange feeling.

I looked at some benches. One time they were broken by vandals. Later a community group installed new ones. I remember seeing them for the first time. Impressed. They were still intact. But then this strange feeling: I'd been here recently. I remembered it clearly. If was like deja vu. I'd been here in the past few weeks. Yet I knew it was impossible. It had to be at least 6 months. But as I stood there I was more and more convinced it was days rather than months. Then another weird thing. A question: Am I still agoraphobic? Wow! What was happening. I felt no anxiety. I felt I could push on further. When did I last have to turn back? I could not remember. I sat for a bit watching the river glow, calm.

It was only when I left to head home that things changed. Doubt crept in. Of course I was still agoraphobic. Breathing started labouring. My legs went weak and heavy. My vision started to blur. I began regretting coming so far and all those panic episodes were recalled with it. For a few moments I was in danger of being swamped again. Thankfully though if passed and I g it home gone. I think what has happened there is that because the dog won't go far and the restrictions of lockdown I have not gone far enough this year to panic. That helps but not long term. It was like when I managed to get to Girvan in before lockdown where I was OK until I had to face the road back. 

I'm not sure why I became convinced I'd been there lately. My phone app for walks and my phone's gallery both prove I have not been down there in the last year. I don't know if it's because in the past 5 years I have been there so often or I dreamt it but it felt real. And there was some strange comfort in that. 

School Rules

  

The kids are back at school nearly three weeks now in Scotland and I can't say with any confidence that it's been a good thing. The main bone of contention from day one were those pesky face masks again but if anything at least the message was clear: they are not needed. I didn't agree with it then but at least everyone knew where they stood. Well sort of. My wife was telling me some kid had been taking abuse for wearing a face mask. Were that not bad enough what turned the stomach more was that it was apparently parents doing the mouthing off. It turns out this kid lives with elderly grandparents. Quite shocking. A kid protecting his grandparents should not have to take that and possibly the kid had little choice in the matter. A lot of kids have to rely on grandparents because those who care for them are at work. I went to my grans after school when I was young as both parents were at work. Much like the care homes up here I think the oldest and most vulnerable up here have yet again become an afterthought.

In the short time since the schools returned many clusters have popped up and the reproduction number has risen with it. Yesterday our little town had its first outbreak with two kids and a teacher testing positive at one of the primary schools. I can't say I'm surprised. There have been no safeguards, no easing in. I had a bit of lurgy last week, better now, but so did my daughter and she had to stay off. No one asked to have her checked. There was no test followed by track and trace if needed. That's just one school.

Anyway the way things have gone has now made the Scottish government consider facemasks in school. Straight away my back was up when I heard they were considering "asking schools" to wear face masks in corridors and other enclosed spaces. Surely if this is a consideration because they fear infection spiralling it should be enforced rather than suggested? That lack of conviction angers me. Yet again it leads to doubt, confusion and ill feeling between those who wear and those who don't. It seems like this country keeps finding itself in polarising situations which is fine for debate but not when it turns nasty like it usually has. 

So why was this not implemented from day one? What I have heard is that it's because of a change in thinking by the WHO. That for me is not good enough and a clear sanatizing of hands- blame shifting. If it was already "mandatory" to wear face masks on public transport and in shops why did they need the WHO to shift their position to do it in schools. And even at that they are still dithering. If they do follow it through and do the right thing they will no doubt pass the responsibilities on to the schools. I really do hope it does not take more tragedy for them to act because to me that looks like how this is heading unless they tighten things up. Scotland and parts on Northern Ireland have resumed first with England and Wales set to follow. If there are lessons to be learned I think the latter two would do well to introduce face masks from day one. 

Maze

 

A recurring dream about a Maze. Not ghis one above but I suspect its heavily linked. The one in my dream is green and alive.  This one was from 3 years ago. That in itself I find strange. In the past 18 months to 2 years time has passed to quickly. Something a year and a half ago feels like 3 months ago. But something 3 years ago feels about 6 years ago. I put it down to a bit of a mental meltdown, breakdown maybe, which saw my slow steady recovery go into reverse and left and floor it back the ways. I'll blog about it some time. Its led to a warping of time and genuine memory problems from that period-- where as I said previously we looked after a cat I have no memory of.

Anyway this Maze here has a lot to do with the recurring dream. It's called the "Murray Star Maze" located in the grounds of Scone Palace where I walked to one morning when visiting in-laws up North. It was a wet cold grey day and I did not know about it until I stumbled upon it. And when I did I had the urge to venture in. At this point I was virtually free of agoraphobia but still hit panic when I was in a situation I could not quickly escape. With this in mind I was in two minds about entering but finally did. Long story short I went in, was reluctant to go far, hot disoriented, got panicky, lost, more panicky, out and relief. No idea how long it lasted but I went from walking around the grounds with my camera calmly to heading home straight away.

And this is the dream. It's not the same place each time and never there but always sunny with blue skies and rich green hedges. I am anxiety free, normal again. No fears. I just go in. And I wonder and I start to get lost and I try yo work it out then I remember what I am. I panic. I run. I clamber and kick and pull. I never escape, I usually wake. I'm not sure what the point is. At a guess it's my mind in slumber trying to resolve that previous panic episode. 

Enchiladas

 

My wife has been the main cook over the years for the kids and while that remains the case I am at least taking some turns now. And by that I am talking about meals from virtually scratch. Of course I can stick a pizza in the oven, put a ready meal in the microwave or make fish fingers, beans and chips. I do my share there as well as breakfasts and lunches. I've not though tended to make something rather than cook it or reheat it. Partly that is because the kids all eat different things but it's more the case I have always been hopeless in that regard going right back to some glorious disasters in home economics at high school. My wife on the other hand will occasionally serve up spaghetti bolognaise, sausage casserole, homemade soup or something.

To be honest I'm not in favour of giving kids a virtual menu at dinner time. I grew up with one meal for all and if you didn't like it you still tried to eat it or went hungry. Beef olives were a particular dislike- the texture was not my favourite. I remember mixing my turnip with mash and peas to hide the taste of the former. Things like that. Me, my 2 siblings and my parents all ate the same thing at the same time at a table. Not the case today.

Making one meal for all is do rare it virtually never happens but tonight I managed to feed three quarters if the virtually the same thing. I've made my wife Enchiladas a few times, the youngest girl once and neither of the other two. Tonight I had hoped to make them for all but as the boy doesn't like them he had hot dogs. And while I fed the other three I had to make quorn ones for my vegetarian wife as opposed to chicken for the girls and had to do one without tomatoes as youngest girl doesn't like them. Not straight forward in a small kitchen with not much work surface but I got there in the end. They seemed to enjoy them. 

I love Mexican food despite not liking peppers but that is the benefit of making your own. Strangely though I virtually never cook things for myself any more. I used to but for reasons unknown when I make things up I tend to lose my appetite. Even when that is food I love. So really I have to eat early before I cook for others. It never used to be the case but it is now. I do actually enjoy cooking though. Nothing complicated, just the simple stuff. 

Documentary

  

I have found myself lately on a binge of documentaries which I make no apologies for. I can't get enough if I'm honest. I prefer them to dramas even though there are a few good options in that field. In fact I'd go as far as to say TV has never been better. Yes there is probably too much and yes there are some really poor offerings but that is very subjective. I'd rather watch "Into the inferno" for example rather than "Love Island" but I also know I am in the minority there despite the beauty of Werner Herzog's film against something which I would imagine is its polar opposite. In recent years it has drawn directors like David Lynch, Oliver Stone, Martin Scorsese and others to the small screen. It may be hard to find sometimes with so much choice but I really do feel there are some brilliant offerings out there.

Anyway it's documentaries which have been holding my gaze these past few weeks. There is no doubt that when Netflix decided to stop relying on other people's productions and started making their own it has led to a boom in new TV offerings. Not just because they were making their own much like the BBC and others have done for years but because their competitors did the same. Sky, Amazon, Apple and others all making original TV. Netflix in particular have made some really fantastic documentaries in the past few years that have really kept me gripped. Too many to mention.

Lately though I have turned to the BBC. It started with a recommendation to watch a Storyville episode about the National Enquirer. Really interesting from the mafia money which started it to the transition from apparent fools to recognised journalists in the OJ trial and subsequent fall again with the death of Lady Diana. It led me to a score of Michael Portillo travels and then to a very moving documentary I had not seen for years about the bombing of Hiroshima. This one in particular I am trying to get the kids to watch this weekend if I can get them off their phones. Last night I watched all 3 hours of the Jonestown tale. Another tragedy but brilliantly and sensitively documented. It has been really enjoyable to take in and at times emotional. 

Weight

 

Coincidence? Fate? Synchrodestiny? I really don't know but I love seeing patterns and noticing trails. I've stumbled over many which makes me think coincidence is too easy an explanation but then what is the alternative? A design for everything?

This trail here for example. Last weekend my wife took the kids up north leaving me with the dog. A day after they came back I went into the bathroom and noticed a set of bathroom scales. We have not had scales for many years which is just as well as I got very obsessed with weight at one time. And that thought took me to another time long ago when I read a few Michael Palin books following his travels. One was "A Hemingway adventure" and in that a Palin apparently visited Hemingway's last abode where he ended things. In the bathroom Hemingway had shown a similar weight obsession weighing himself every day and noting these on the wall.

As I said my obsession was similar though j wrote weights in a notebook rather than straight onto the wall. From 2009 to 2015 I recorded my weight worryingly as each of those years I appeared to be losing pounds. The early notes were around 12.5 stone but by 2014 it was more than a stone lighter. Maybe not s worry in itself but when I got ill just before the anxiety problems started I went from 14 stone or there abouts to 12.5 in a couple of months. I could not put weight on and deliberately ate more than I should in an attempt to stop losing more. In 2015 when I stopped smoking that changed. As the imagd shows above being underweight is no longer an issue.

Anyway it got me thinking to that book which then got me thinking about how I'd never seen the series it was based on. A quick check informed me it was made in 1999. Then I saw a link which I clicked and which took me to the BBC iplayer. Incredibly the 4 part series is there available to view. Strange that I have been viewing documentaries on that very site and there within was another to watch sparked by a rogue purchase from my wife. My weekend viewing is sorted. 

Lurgy

 

I won't say I wasn't a little concerned because I was when I woke the other day with a sore throat. Proper sore throat with burning all the way from the back to the right inner ear. Then the stinging sore eyes. And finally a beauty of a headache which has persisted for 2 days now. In that short space the dog has found a more frequent high pitched and overall piercing bark which is like a further mallet to the mullet each time. Not fun times. Concern initially of course. Kids back to school. 'R' number rising as a result. Clusters being reported here there and everywhere. I think anyone has a right at the moment for concern but now I am less so.

There are two things. The main thing is that, finally, I remembered this is how it usually is. When the kids return to school after summer it usually brings with it the lurgy as they all meet up in one building to pass their germs and bring them home. I am sure that is all it is this time. There is one small other possibility and that is a few times now when I have restarted my walks I have started to get illness symptoms--headaches being the main one. Not always though. What I have learned is though to rule it out I have to lay off the walks for a few days. That is what I will do.

Feeling under the weather but its nothing new this time of year. I'll get under the duvet for a bit and watch some more TV to recharge. 

Companion

 

Walking alone can be monotonous- for everyone. That is why most solo walkers can usually be found talking to someone on their phone or more often listening to music via headphones. I remember Stephen Fry saying once that when he went for long walks he usually listened to an audio book. No on e really likes walking alone generally but it does have its place. Sometimes you just need to clear your head and sort things out. Sometimes not. I love music. That would be my choice if it was a choice. It's not though. I can sit on the sofa and spend hours listening to music. Not outdoors though. It irritates me and agitates me. There is no enjoyment so I don't. 

It goes back to the onset of anxiety in my last job some time ago. For years I listened to music in the car going to work and coming back. I had stacks of CDs. A single journey could take from 45 to 90 minutes but sometimes even up to double the latter so plenty of time. In the last 6 months of work though music started to annoy me in the car to the point I turned it off and listened to the radio. This started as a continual swap until the radio became the norm. Then that bothered me so I swapped the stations I liked for classical music to calm me. It did fof a bit but that became irritating to do then it was talk shows and finally silence.

That hasn't changed. My worst time in the car a few years ago was with the kids music blaring and while they danced about happy I just wanted out the moving car, I wanted to scream. It was like a constant resonating in my nerves driving me to distraction. Walking is no different. I tried it and its not working. Besides that if it worked it would be a crutch and counterproductive to self help. 

Any way with this in mind I decided to take pup with me on my walk today for company. Not a good idea. My walk was shorter than it should have been, my arm was sore from dragging him and instead of burning off any angst I felt charged up with stress. It's not his fault and furthermore the last 10 minutes were a joy. It makes me wonder if I have to tire him out yo get him to settle or if its simply a case of the longer he is out the more used to sounds and movement he gets. I've not written it off completely but got my own development ill have to fly solo most days. That would be a shame longer term given the need for u as both to get out. Its still early days though.