Dog Walk

 

The dog is the reason I have been out every day during lockdown as he needs walked. In fact it's one of only two reasons I go out at all nowadays. It's not entirely his fault but as good as it is to have that necessity to go out it is also more restrictive than when I used to venture out alone. He is basically a doggy agoraphobic. He is petrified of most things that stop him in his tracks, have him pulling to get back home or have him frothing at the mouth barking aggressively. Fight or flight or freeze. Ironic. So these walks now are now a battle to see who will chicken out first. For me it's distance from home. For him the aggression is towards other dogs, animals, people, cyclists and anything noisy like motor bikes, bin lorries and the like. The freezing I can relate to as it comes when he does not want to go any further and is not going to be pushed there against his will. The flight is s strange one. It seems to be reflective surfaces like bus shelters, office windows, glass doors and that sort of thing.

His reluctance has made my already receding world all the smaller. Its got me thinking that aside from the many small dog walks per day I might start going on one alone per day to start pushing my boundaries again. It took a long time previously to get to a point where I felt virtually free of agoraphobia and could walk anywhere that was physically possible. It took a short time to fall from the summit down to the foot. Its going to take a long time to get back there again with a lot of difficult times along the way. That journey I must do alone and I do plan to start doing that soon.

Tor!

 

As much as I love my Kindle and the benefits that it brings I do love now and again to pick up a book. This is only my second book in the past few years. The last was a forgettable work of fiction based on Bible John lent to me by my father in law. He enjoyed it but it wasn't for me. Still like 99% of books I start I pushed myself through to the end. This book is more up my street. It was a book I have been meaning to buy for years without getting around to doing it. Knowing this my brother mailed me a copy when he was getting books for himself from an online charity store. Just as well as the dog has taken a few bites out of it. I used to pride myself in keeping all my books pristine growing up but gave up when they got borrowed and wrecked by various people. Luckily this one is hardback or the dog may have left little for me to mentally digest.

There is no doubt E-readers have their benefits. Storage is a major thing. I have a loft full of books that were, as I said, in pristine condition but if I could ever get through the junk in the cupboard to get up there I will likely find they are water damaged now. Much better to have them all stored away easily accessible. But still you can't get the smell of an old book shop when you shop online. When listening to music I do at times miss hearing the sound when the stylus hits the vinyl. Nostalgia can be found in many forms. I'm feeling nostalgic at the moment. Its an opportunity to take a break from everything that runs on electricity and sit with a book and a cuppa and relax.

Outside there is very little change but enough to feel some slight optimism. It hasn't affected me bu at the weekend my wife took the kids up North for the day to see her dad for the first time since the outbreak started. Still socially distanced and still too soon to stay overnight so she had to do the 120 mile round trip in a day. Also of great excitement to the kids was their first McDonalds in a very long time- first take away actually. This is a bit like how it should be. Not the virus of course but this appreciation of things that we used to take for granted. I have said numerous times that the kids get take aways too often to the point they don't enjoy it as much nor appreciate it. Growing up my friends and I had to get a bus into Edinburgh to get a McDonalds. We never saw a KFC or Burger King. Growing up in a new town we had a Chinese take away, an Indian takeaway and a few chip shops. None were delivery so we had to pick up on the few occassions we got one. And because of that we really appreciated them, not like now. And the other thing about it was we got whatever my parents were choosing. With the kids I have seen my wife go to two different take aways to stop arguements. Yet that does all seem so long ago. I just wonder how long it will be before that is commonplace again.

One last thing, a small thing. When my panic hit hard for the first time and I was basically housebound for the begining it made me reflect on a lot of things. It made me think about the way I had (mis)treated people, my attitude, regrets, things I missed, my well being and so much more. In a strange way it possibly made me a better person even if I was not in a position to show that. And I wonder if this break in play for the world will make many others do the same while sitting indoors stuck unable to do the things they once could do. I hope so. 

Summer's day

 

Some things change, some things remain. The anxieties of lockdown have been an experience some could not have imagined but pretty much normal for me. And cold, rainy and windy afternoons I'm July are not new unfortunately. A typical Scottish summer. It is not lost on most either that this was the week schools would have finished for summer. After a warm week last week when they would normally have been in class it's a dismal affair thereafter with days lately painted in greys. Not that we have anywhere to go.

We had no holidays planned this year. For one we cannot afford it and additionally if we could then I now can't go any way. I do feel though for all those people who work all year looking forward to that 2 weeks or however long under the sun by a pool relaxing. Everywhere you look there is mental anguish of some sort. And without those planes to take them away the are left here windswept, cold and miserable. It is a real shame.

It's a couple of factors added to the existing ones which have created a sort of communal angst. This pent up frustration was threatening to spill over over the first few months of lockdown and then finally it did. All it took was a perceived green light when the sun came out. People went a bit mental. They were drinking far too much and in that cocktail or sun and sand with a twist of blowing off steam they started brawling and being generally annoying. There have been some poor sights to see in my own street and no doubt across the land. I cannot help thinking if the heat wave had continued we could have seen even uglier more prolonged scenes resulting in many public disturbances sadly. So maybe the rain and cold is not so bad at this time. Maybe it is needed even to let the dust settle and hopefully when the sun returns people will be a bit wiser having gotten their ire out of their system. We'll see.

Fox in the box

It would be very easy and maybe even unavoidable to talk about COVID every week because it is 90%+ of most people's day in some form. As such I think most are doing everything they can not to dwell on it so I'll try not to if I can. I will just say that as an agoraphobic who has spent most of the past decade stuck indoors this period is not affecting my mental health as much as it is affecting others. I would imagine a lot of people are going to have a lot of difficulties when they come out the other side whether that be from after effects of COVID or purely their mental well being. Aside from that there are also all those unfortunate souls who have lost someone or multiple someones. 

A different subject then today. I don't know if this is a product of lockdown but it has certainly coincided with it. Every night for the past week or so two foxes come to sit below our window looking to be fed. They return because my wife does just that. Is that right or wrong? I don't know to be honest. Vermin or not its hard to ignore any animal looking for food. I say there are two but only one comes out into the open and the other stays hidden mostly in the shadows. We know they are here by the noise of the gulls who take turn dive bombing them. Quite the racket in the still of night.

Not a great quality photo as I am reduced to taking photos with my phone- or mobile device which probably serves as a more accurate description nowadays. I still have 2 perfectly working cameras but no longer a laptop with an SD card reader to transfer photos. Its a long story for another day as to what I am using now which is far from ideal but I am thankful to have something. Basically though my laptop fell to pieces physically at the start of lockdown. Its extremely frustrating as all the individual bits work but I cannot piece them together because of a very poor design by Lenovo- never again. The worst possible time for it to happen but there are bigger problems out there as we all can concur.

If nothing else the foxes provide a much needed distraction in this otherwise mundane period. That along with some thunder and lightening shows have been the main attractions. Slowly the world turns again and slower still we call get back to what we once called normality. That is something I can certainly relate to. Its predicted and its desired but there are still many doubts as to whether things really will ever be the same again. Again I can relate.

I can hear music

 

Sometimes the smallest things to others are the biggest things to me. I was on my daily walk today minding my own business when I passed a jogger as happens some times. I noted the ear buds. Or is it air pods. The terminology escapes me in much the same way as earphones and headphones does. Anyway it got me thinking: when was the last time I listened to music outside? I really couldn't say. I am talking about personally rather than in a pub or the like or in the car. Just something I chose to listen too. And I reckon it was 2006 at least. Maybe even longer. 15 years. Incredible.

So I went into my pocket and pulled out a cheap pair of earphones that came with the phone, not the ones above which are there only as a representation of the title. I carry these because the speaker has broke on my phone and even loudspeaker is hard to hear. So if I make or take a call while out I use these. They are poor but serve their purpose. I put them in then looked to see if I had any downloaded music on my phone as I do not have a data plan that allows me to stream outside. One song: "Enola Gay" by OMD. No idea how it got there. So I listened. It wasn't the joy I hoped for but that is nothing to so with the song. In fact much like the reason I stopped listening to music outdoors I felt agitated by it so turned it off. Shame really but maybe an indicator sometime down the line of wellness. Maybe some day I'll go out for a long walk listening to music and enjoying it. Maybe an audio book first and then maybe some classic and finally my own music. I can't help think though as soon as the music played I was reliving being in that car again in the daily angst filled journey to and from work. Maybe perseverance is required. I did after all not even make it past a 3 minute song. 

We are all at least spending a bit more time out doors at the moment. On sunny days we can sit outside for a bit to feel the heat on our skin and the air brush past. In those times its hard to see that we are living in cells. There are more people passing that there were. I think mentally people need to get out as long as they keep to themselves. 

Creature of habit

 

Two shirts, a jumper, a pair of denims and a top with a zipper in a black bag bought for me as a present for Christmas or birthday, only 22 days apart. A jacket from Primark hung behind a bedroom door. Two shirts still unpacked and ties to go with them for job interviews. A pair of swimming shorts for my first overnight in a decade at a hotel with a pool. A t-shirt bought in tk maxx two or three years ago. A t-shirt from Italy given as a present two years ago. A pair of trousers and and a belt still in the asda bag from a month ago. Many more I have probably forgotten about.

Still I wear a fleece that is older than all millenials on the earth. I rotate between two pairs of trousers bought years ago tied by a belt which is hanging together by thread. The list goes on. I am a creature of habit but also a creature of comfort. New stuff doesn't always feel right and sometimes takes some wearing in. It's ridiculous. It's the reason also that we have so much clutter. I need to get on top of it or at the very least not buy anything else. 

On the other side its nice to have new things standing by and not have to pay for them. Its like having a little store I can pick from. There is comfort in things worn. Old jeans feel much better than new ones. I'd like to smarten my appearance but every time I go for what is nearest at hand. I am not sure if I am alone in that regard or whether even its a generational thing because boys in their twenties and older seem to invest a lot of time in their appearance. 

Weeks are still dragging by. We are still in lockdown and covid is going nowhere fast so I may waffle more over the coming months. 

Main Street

 

This is the Main Street in my town. Well technically it isn't. For reasons I don't know the town is split into a high and low part. In the high part there is a Main Street which runs through Burnbank and into Hamilton. This street here is names "Glasgow Road" because that is how it used to be. One main road to the major city. This is the bigger and busier road running 10 mile or so to Glasgow city centre via Cambuslang, Rutherglen and all the rest. Each night when I take the dog out it is empty. Not that it is ever bustling but never this dead. There are takeaway shops so people would be in and out of them as well as drivers for deliveries. Pubs with people standing outside smoking. All sorts of things to keeps bodies on the street. Here though there is a solitary car passing through and that in itself is rare. As dark arrives there should be a good volume of traffic in normal circumstances but everywhere is shut. Everywhere is locked down. It is eerie.

I feel a bit privileged to be walking about alone. Again I have to thank the dog for that. He is my license to walk freely and have the town mostly to ourselves. It is great for him as well. He is reactive apparently so the lack of humans and other dogs helps calm him too. I enjoy these times. I walk more than I do in the day because I feel content. I will enjoy that while I can and the dog too. 

Lull

 

I am in danger of running out of things to say for sure. I could talk about coronavirus throughout the world and the figures but not only would that be depressing it would also mean going and finding out more because I am shielding from it where I can. I could talk about the long days indoors and the angst that brings. I could talk about the great work being done by NHS staff to treat and care for people or the shop workers keeping us all supplied each day or the logistical people keeping it all threaded together. In time I think people will look back and see heroes in this time who went over and above to keep this little island ticking that maybe do not get all the gratitude they deserve at the moment.

For us its still the slow grind. The exception is my wife who is doing deliveries to people at the moment as part of a council led initiative. To my knowledge it is exclusively for older people as many deliveries are to nursing homes. I think from what she says many enjoy the company as much as the hot meal as they may not see anyone for long periods. And sadly that part is being reduced so some suit can get the delivery times down to look good on a spreadsheet. Anyway for now it is rewarding my wife says but rather selfishly I still fear more outdoor contact wife people increases the risk for all of us indoors. Lets face it if one of us gets it we are all getting it.

The walks remain the single break from the mundane for the rest of us. The dog gets several shorts walks a day but also one long one where he gets to proper stretch. And its good for us too. Being out in the woodlands and near rivers and general outdoors is good mentally. I am used to it now. Its more for the kids really to stop them going mad indoors. It started as a big of a chore to be honest but now its enjoyable so we must be doing something right. 

Stir crazy

 

All this being locked in doors has really taken its toll in a week to forget which has me worrying about what lies ahead. In a big house this situation would feel claustrophobic but in a flat with five people its a nightmare. It makes me wonder what we do if someone catches Covid. How do we stay seperate from them in this confined space? Its not as if we can move them out to one of the rooms in the west wing or start taking our teas on the lawn. We are penned in. The dog has helped no end. I hate to think how things would be with no excuse to go out. The kids are now wanting to go out when they didn't before. It gets to you.

But it all came to a head one night this week in a total horror show indoors I won't go into involving the oldest child who seems to think she is exempt from lockdown. Just awful to be honest and something we could really do without. Its done now though, hopefully. There is nothing worse than being stuck in a situation you want to flee but being made to stay. Instead of leaving as my anxiety wanted I had to sit it out until it was resolved. 

Aside from that there is not a lot to say in this lockdown. We stay in, try to pass the time and walk the dog now again. Like has revolved around the dog right now as he is an outdoor pass. Meanwhile the world outside is starting to change. The photo above is from the local play park which is closed with swings and the likes taped off like a murder scene. Its hard to comprehend sometimes that this is life at the moment. 

The secret garden

 

There has been no change on the lockdown front but we have found a way to get some fresh air while keeping away from others. We have decided to take the dog out as a family most days and on other days anywhere from 2-5 of us. Always me and the wife. We have found an area in the woods that my wife calls "The secret garden". Its neither but it does seem to be infrequently inhabited, open and green. The dog loves it as he is virtually off the lead. If you look closely you can see the long black training lead trailing behind him. In his head he is free. Mostly its fine because apart from some deer we rarely see anything living but I try to stay lose as whenever a train passes he goes for it at top speed and I have to try to stop him. My wife says there is a fence that will stop him but running into a wire fence at speed you don't see coming is no fun. It did one happen to me getting chased once when I was younger and not only took the wind out me at stomach level on impact but flipped me over too with a crash.

Its great down there though. We feel like we are away from it all and the kids are getting out more probably in lockdown than they usually do outside of school. We just saunter. I had trouble getting down there to begin with but now its fine. There is a part of me concerned by kids drinking alcohol down there who are not at this spot but at the point you need to get through to get there. Its the other side of the railway bridge which is out the way and a favourite space for underage drinking as it has a concrete floor despite being in the woods which is a throwback to a slaughterhouse from years ago. Also there are places to sit. It ticks all the boxes. There are kids down there all the time. I talked to a guy who stays down there and it can get very bad at times with kids not even in there teens falling about drunk down there.

Its a far cry from this little area of serenity which is bliss. Its great for the mental health. Its an escape from the prison walls. We are lucky.

Corona

Eddie large has died from Corona and the PM is down with it. This thing is indiscriminate in choosing its victims and the severity with which it bites. The toll keeps rising. 16 or 19 in Wales takes the UK total to 2000 the other day. Its not even at its peak yet. Then the Scottish figure. I said to my wife I could not believe Scotland had less deaths than Wales. There was a reason. One day I was astounded to read deaths had jumped from 76 to 126. Wtf! 50 overnight. Turns out it was 10 overnight and 40 from previous days where covid19 had not been proven at that time to be the cause. 78 year old Eddie Large. A 68 year old Scottish man named who knew quite quickly he was dying and did. A 52 year old American song writer. Its rapid and vicious and discriminates against no-one. Scary times.

Unfortunately that is all there is at the moment. We are all locked behind closed doors at the moment. For me a dog walk is my only release. I am glad now we have a dog or there would be no reason to go out. My wife's work is closed but this week she started doing meal deliveries for old folks in care homes. That brings concern too. Apart from that the days are long and the news is grim.

In my 5 decades on this planet I cannot remember a scarier time. I don't have any bad memories from my childhood and they all seem to have been of long hot summers. My grandparents had the war to contend with in their youth. For the kids this must be incredibly frightening because not only does this look bad but we have no idea where it will end or what it will lead to. 

Fool's day

Definitely not an April's fool but it feels like one. The world is falling apart and my laptop has just fallen apart with it. This is the second time it has happened to me and this one is no less frustrating. This laptop was expensive even though I got it in a Black Friday deal a while back. Everything was great and it was everything I hoped for. Then a crack appeared on the casing. Then another. On further inspection there were screws missing on the bottom but it would turn out to be a lesser problem. Over time more cracks appeared and the keyboard area started to bulge. Eventually after a while I had to investigate and found that laptops had firstly changed. It used to be the battery was a removable device which was handy because if you were running mostly off the mains then you could remove it to save it. Not this one. This one was internal and under the keyboard. Not only that but it had developed a fault that had made it double in size therefore pushing all the plastic casing out and finally cracking. 

That was something I managed to work around but it got so bad even glue and sellotape were not keeping the thing together. It seemed every day the battery inside just kept expanding and the brittle thin plastic was threatening to keep snapping. What make? Lenovo- never again. Finally this week the joint between the screen and the rest of the laptop broke off and could not be put back together. The way it was constructed it mean cables did not reach and although I have all the working parts they will not connect together so it is basically a dead laptop and I don't have any money to replace it. I used it most of the day and now I don't have one so that has created its own anxiety. Frustrating. I had it happen before as I said with a laptop that had a known fault which Hewlett-Packard refused to replace. Prior to that I had another laptop which like this one had such a flimsy casing it basically fell to bits. They are not cheap these things and not built to last. Now I have to get by without one which is not going to be easy. 

The laptop is a distraction and I have needed a distraction. I have been trying to avoid all the fear mongering over Covid. The last time I looked was on Sunday and the figures then in Scotland were..

On its own it does not look a lot but each day it is climbing. That is the worry at the moment and after a period of following it I have decided to try to avoid it if I can. Its not looking good. The world has come to a stand still but right now there are no signs of an end to it. The virus that is not the world, thankfully. 

The world stops

 

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The shelves are empty and no one but the selfish can eat tonight. Shame on them. Old people going without so people can sit at home with 2 weeks worth of bulk buys to stuff their face with. On the whole these times bring out the best of people. There are countless stories of people going above and beyond to help out others. There are also unfortunately the selfish who are only concerned about themselves. The official word is that there is enough stock to go round as long as people buy sensibly but that is not enough for some. Shame on them.

What a difference a week makes. Last post things were as they had always been but with a little pest of a bug hovering about in the background. 7 days on the world has come to a juddering stop and panic has set in en masse. Panic enough to clear the shelves as I have said and stop needed delivers over the land. Everywhere is closing down and people are told to stay indoors. Its like an Apocalypse in many ways and for once I am not being overly dramatic. I have never known anything like it nor seen this coming a week ago. Its scary. Noone knows where this is leading or how it will end or if the panic even is unfounded- some think its no worse than seasonal flu. Only time will tell. 

Things do seem to be taking a turn at the moment. The boy got ill and so was off school anyway. He was desperate to go back as he is a primary seven and they were going to take in shirts to be signed in case they never returned. He never made it though and found out many others didn't go either. They have closed the school with no notice of when it will re-open but with Easter around the corner I am guessing it won't be until after that. My wife and his sisters seem to have something viral too with my wife unusually taking a few days off work. I too still feel full of the lurgy but thankfully no covid-19 symptoms. 

The chemist was a joke earlier in the week suffering also from this viral outbreak. They shut from 2-4 and when my wife went down at just before 5 she waited in a queue outside until 6 and got 4 people from the door when she was told they were shutting up. Jobsworth. So many people going out their way to help but this lot only working up until they are paid. Shocking. The NHS wouldn't do that. Obviously they cannot stay open indefinitely but to leave people out for that length of time and then basically pull the shutters down on them is appalling. 

It feels like its going to get a lot worse before it gets better. There is a dark mood in town. Things are getting eerily quite like the calm before the storm. Black clouds coming in over the horizon and blocking out the light. Frenzied people running about with bags of shopping leaving the stores bare. I hope I am wrong.

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Moving ever so slowly

 

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On Friday 13th the boy arrived home safely from his school trip which was good and even better he really enjoyed himself. I have to note here that the primary school really helped us out financially so I hope one day when I am better off I can repay them for that. Just a shame the kids didn't get a lot of time away as it happens. The girls got a day more for some reason. I think if we had paid all of it then I'd be annoyed as it was not cheap at all so 3 nights at probably the cost of a couple going on a city break to Paris for a long weekend is pretty steep. Still I cannot complain given the help we received. 

I've been trying not to dwell on my lurgy symptoms but they are still there. I cannot seem to rid myself of them. They have not gotten worse but have not gotten better either. Just not able to shake this off. Its not this Covid-19 but that baggage seems to be on the rise and making things awkward for a lot of people. What started off as something that was a bit of drama as usual akin to Avian bird flu or foot and mouth disease or swine flu is now apparently getting more serious. Only time will tell but Italy seems to be getting hit hard for some reason.

As a result of this lurgy though and the bad panic last week I have been struggling lately to get very far and definitely not enjoying it. I feel a bit wheezy and weak. The photo above is a sculpture at the railway station which is about a mile to go there and back. That is pushing it right now. I really cannot do much more than that so have to be wise and not try to push it. My body may be telling me to let it deal with the lurgy before pushing too far beyond so that is what I will do. 

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Clumsy

 

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Out of frustration a little I pushed myself to hit two miles this week for the first time this month. A real good effort. I've had a dose of the old lurgy in me and with the exhaustion it totally drained me but worth it just to remind myself it can be done. Just a pity I cannot do it every day but as I said previously that will come.

The photo here is something different. Its of me. A snippet really as I am not one for getting my photo taken. Actually I was talking to my wife about this the other day. She was going through photos on her phone. Mostly they were of her mum of course but some with her dad, her sisters, the kids, work collegues and friends. None of me. In fact I don't think there are many if any photos of me about. I said to my wife if I was gone tomorrow there would be no trace of me. She just sort of shrugged which I suppose is about all you can do. I am relating to Gregor Samsa or at least wallowing in self pity- so I need to snap out of that quickly.

Anyway the photo was taken not for here but for me to check out my head. Somehow I managed to whack myself on the head with a fridge door. It was all down to timing, bad timing. I cannot even remember what I was looking for but I opened the fridge door, stuck my head in to look, closed the door and then went take my head out. Not quickly enough. Crack! I didn't expect there to be a mark but I managed to cut it a little. Silly sod. Its not the first time. I remember doing it sometime back on a walk at Strathclyde Park and cutting through woods only to cut my head on a branch I never saw coming. Its down to lack of awareness in a mind that constantly has more room for the inner dialogue than the surrounding world. I need to be more mindful I suppose.

I feel really guilty because yesterday the boy left for his school trip up north which will see him stay away until Friday. I feel guilty because for the girls I was there in the car park to wave them off. Today I had to leave him and his mum in the park because I feel so crap and agoraphobia is so strong. Furthermore on Friday when he returns I won't be able to meet him and instead will have to get someone to collect him. I remember that from high school coming back from Spain and all the parents were there but I was left to walk home alone. I remember the tear in my eye which I could not stop and that empty feeling going into an empty house. I'm motoring down that self pity road again, snap out of it. Its weird not having him here. He was upset when he left as he has never been away on his own before. I just hope he has a good time. 

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On ice

 

Life for now feels like its on ice. The world outside is a skating rink and I fear broken bones and cut chins and all other injuries with its tractionless flooring just waiting to break people in two. So I went to the pub. What! Shock horror. Why am I going to the pub when I cannot work? Benefit scrounging scum getting boozed up on the Goverment's tab! I suppose that is how most will look at it. Truth is I don't get out and my wife and I also never have any kind of social time together. When I started getting better a couple of years ago we started going to the pub for something small to eat and a couple of drinks. At most an hour and a half while the kids were at school. And only once a fortnight and sometimes not even that. I cannot go to the pubs I once did just a few years ago as even they are out of my comfort zone. Thankfully there is a Miner's Welfare not to far away. Not far away at all but still it caused me mental torture today. I should say this is the first time I have gone out this year to anywhere. That is how long it as been. And because of that it was a nightmare.

I wasn't going to go. You have no idea what its like to want something but not want it because of the baggage it brings. Did I want to sit at home as I do 99% of the time or go to a pub, have something to eat and be around people? No brainer. I told my wife I couldn't go because every time I thought about it panic spilled over. She was not best pleased of course. Finally I had to have some Dutch courage in the shape of a dram. So much guilt with that sitting at one in the afternoon sipping a malt. It barely helped. I decided to go and it was pure panic for 20-40 minutes. I had a pint of lager and the anxiety started to drop. That was not the alcohol but the adrenaline finally dying down. We had two drinks and an egg roll each. We caught up as life passes us by as a couple. We finally relaxed. I actually got to enjoy the second lager. And as always after that I was so relaxed I really wished to stay longer as I felt almost normal being out of that living room with the same 4 walls and relaxed. Not to be. We time it so I have to get the boy straight after and that is mainly because that 90 minutes is a luxury which we cannot afford to extend whether we wanted to or not. I am hoping its not the last because the next time would be easier if its soon but again finances may mean its a few weeks before that can happen.

Why does that make me feel so guilty? Why should I not have a taste of some sort of enjoyment? I feel tremendous guilt putting it out there. It is what it is. I would love to work from home and do that without the guilt but I just cannot find the work to do. I have skills and I have equipment and appetite but cannot find the work. I have lots to give including a desire to be self sufficient but I don't have the means to travel far and stay out long. Maybe I was born at the wrong time as I think in decades to come we will all work from home where its possible as it makes sense to save on running a workplace which is not required. In fact lots of people work from home nowadays but you have to be in a workplace first. Maybe something will come up. 

Anniversary

 

This week was my, and my wife's, 17th wedding anniversary. The flowers above unfortunately have nothing to do with that. Those were given to my wife on her return to work after a period off to deal with her heavy grief after her mum died. We don't really celebrate our anniversary any more. Mostly that is financial- another expense- but some of it is down to life not being that great and little desire to celebrate it. So really that is all to say about that. At one time after a long spell of doing nothing we were able to go out there for lunch but now that is not even an option as my world has shrunk again. It was take away then much to the delight of the kids.

Anyway as I said my wife returned to work but I don't think she is ready. She is still very raw. She really cannot accept the death of her mum who she was very close to and by all accounts her sisters are the same. They are all finding it hard. There is friction and their is anger fuelled by that grief. It is a shame. I can do nothing to ease it. 

Life is short

 

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I won't go into the specifics but in a lot of pain this week with a recurring problem but thankful life occurring nowadays. I'm convinced its anxiety related but wife is more swayed to inactivity. It doesn't really matter which. As my activity has increased my anxiety has lessened and these problems with them. This week though I am downed in a lot of pain to the point I can hardly walk. Or could hardly walk I should say. The pic above is from today where things have eased a little enough to walk down the park. Life is short but I am in no mood or state to thrash it. I feel delicate this week and trying to fly below the radar. 

Melancholy has been the biggest problem by far over the pain and maybe even a result of it. Its just a horrible thing. No words can describe it. Inside I am screaming for it to stop. It won't. And there is nowhere to escape to. Just horrible. I think it came as a result of thinking about finances. I have been putting off looking at my account because I fear there is nothing in it and that I am not being paid ESA. I will have to look at some point soon, just not today. Its deep dread. I just needed to bury again and move on for a week or so. The prospect of looking today was enough to make the day a write off. I cannot keep putting it off. It was so bad today that the book I planned to read was binned. In fact just typing this out is taking my mind back to that dark place again so I will leave it there for now.

White

 

Snow has returned and the world has ground to a halt with it so not a lot doing. I will thought however talk of one incident in particular which I have probably mentioned before in another guise but my memory is not great so here goes anyway. It relates to panic which is after all why I started this blog so I might as well get into it now and again. It started first thing in the morning on this particular day. Guilt gets me up too early to take out the dog at the weekend so I never really get the sleep I need. I got up, dressed and took the dog downstairs only to find no keys. Not a problem. A short note here is that the girls play up sometimes and so my wife hides her keys fearing they may disappear during the night to spite her. I have though told her not to hide mine and I keep them either in my trouser or jacket pocket as a result. This morning they were not there. No keys were there. Panic.

My wife doesn't understand it but she is not alone and I very much doubt many if any do. A good few months ago the same thing happened and my wife could not remember where she had hid both sets of keys. This was a problem. There are two sides to my panic disorder- or possibly three since starting to read that book but I will come to that another day. One part is agoraphobia. I panic far from home and the further from home I go the more I panic. This is the part I had overcome. I had gone well over a couple of hundred miles and stayed away up north for a week a few times. I went from struggling to put the bins out the back in 2006 to doing to Dornoch a couple of years ago which Google Maps tells me is a 4 hour drive 211 miles up the way from home. In doing that I had declared myself cured of agoraphobia as I had no fear of going anywhere. Well sort of. In the car I could have went the length of the country. Not by any other means though because of the other aspect. This other aspect I find hard to describe. This actually developed after the agoraphobia. Its more akin to claustrophobia than anything else but is not that. Its not a fear of small spaces but a fear of being trapped- not being able to leave a situation of my own accord. So this affects lots of things and in that list is public transport so although I could go in the car 211 miles away I could not got go 5 miles away on the bus. I should point out right now the agoraphobia is as bad as ever and I cannot even go 2 miles away in the car. Only by firstly increasing the walks can I overcome this. That is why 2 years ago I could be over 200 miles away with no fear but a few weeks later sitting 2 miles away at the Job Centre trying to contain full blown panic every time I had to sign on which got so bad I had to stop going.

Anyway back to that time before my wife hid the keys and forgot where. I was OK to begin with. The door was chapped and I looked out the window to find a man delivering a parcel. I told him to just leave the parcel on the doorstep. Meanwhile we looked for the keys and could not find them. My wife called a neighbour who thankfully popped out and took the parcel in. Somewhere among all that I started to panic and then it was full blown panic and I was walking from room to room trying to get my head straight. It was horrible. I was in no danger but that feeling of being trapped developed quickly into panic. It was not new. Starting out on the drives it happened every time we came to a stop. I used to dread traffic jams because I knew I would get this with no escape. I cannot describe just what a horrendous feeling this is. So that is why I keept my keys on me at all times and tell my wife to leave my keys alone. This time though she had taken my keys again, hidden them and forgot where. So panic. I had no choice but to wake her and although she could not remember where my keys were she remembered where her own were and with that the panic subsided quickly. I did get my keys back later.

This is the hardest part. This was secondary but has not become the hardest part to shift. When I overcome my agoraphobia a few years ago I did not lay a glove on this aspect. I should explain how that came about. In 2006 I had to drive my wife to hospital. It was just a few miles away but in the next town which I did not know well so was apprehensive about getting lost. The upshot was she went into hospital and out the blue I had a full blown panic attack which scared the life out of me. It was so bad I was severely agoraphobic from that point on. Not only could I not return to pick her up but for the next week I struggled to leave home. Next up it was my parents visiting which should not have been a problem but for whatever reason out the blue indoors I had a big panic attack again. It was so bad I had to make excuses, go to the bedroom, lie on the bed and I basically conked out. It was their voiced in the car park leaving that woke me but I got up groggy and feeling really shaky and weak- it took so much out of me. The same thing happened when they visited and it happened any time anyone visited. It was always the same- I felt trapped. Even when I was able to go out further from home it would happen when stopped talking to someone. It still does.

Twelve

 

Not a lot has been happening in the past week. The school runs continue and the weather remains dark and cold. Amid all that though the boy turned 12 on the second last day of the month, a day when my uncle also died a long time ago aged 40. At that time 40 was not old in my world but not young either so its weird to look back given I have lasted 8 years longer than he did. I cannot let my son's birthday pass without thinking of my uncle. At the time I would have been in my early 20s and single so could not really grasp my gran's visible pain and the phrase "you are not supposed to outlive your children". Now I fully understand it as a parent.

Anyway getting the boy something for his birthday was no easy thing because he basically has all he needs or wants. He is a boy of few wants and we are not the wealthiest by any stretch but somehow all he wants he has and more. What money he got will still mostly be there later in the year as he has no desire to waste it for the sake of it. A sensible lad that way. But he was happy with his lot. The first birthday of the year and a kind of rehearsal to the big ones next year when he will turn 13, one sister 16 and another 18. I will also turn 50 but that is nearly 2 years away. My parents will turn 70 but that will not matter I'm afraid as this was the first birthday where they did not even bother to send a card so that is an end to that.

We got take away which was the highlight for the girls who use any excuse for a takeaway including their parents' aniversary. Pictured above it was pizza and we do always enjoy as its not a thing we do often. Since my money stopped we hardly do it at all. Every penny a prisoner as they say. 

Snow globe

 

Schools are back

 

The first loss

 

Strangers in the night

 

And so it begins...again

 

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Its been nearly 2 years since my last post which is probably an indication of how well things were going at that time. In that period though things have crumbled again. I was in a good place and getting ever closer to full recovery but then it all went bad. This was in no small way down to the DWP stopping my money again. Something I was talking about 2 years ago when I was visiting the job centre- something I never thought I would manage. It didn't last. The constant panic each visit lengthened from the 15 minutes there to the night before and morning, the Saturday and after. It was doing me no good and they were, I felt, looking for a way to get me off their books so to speak by any means. So I jumped ship but too late as the damage was done. That increased anxiety combined with the lack of money saw all my progress disappear. I had gotten on public transport again but with no money to continue that I stopped using it and now can't get on again. My wife had to work more and so we could no longer go for drives and even if we could we could not afford the fuel to do it. I kept walking. That was the only thing lack of money could not stop me doing but that anxiety got worse and worse. They fell back too. And not being able to go far by car or other transport meant my world shrunk and anxiety grew with it.

I feel I am back at the start again. Not completely at the start but near enough. I feel like I am about to begin again looking to recover from these anxiety problems which have taken a large chunk of my life. Of course this time around though I am in a much better place. When this all first started I had no idea genuinely if I would ever get better. My mind felt like it could not be altered to calm and get back to normality. That constant doubt and fear kept me stuck a long time. I now know it is possible. I almost got there. I got far enough to know I can definitely recover from this. There is still time. But there are still the same problems existing and new ones and no doubt more yet unseen. I still have no income. I did win my case at the tribunal but got a letter saying I had not earned the funds to keep receiving my allowance. I did though get a chunk of cash backdated but that will run out very soon given I am servicing a debt on top. All that said I need to push on. I cannot just wallow. I need to start moving forward again. This time I am better prepared. There is no need now for me to try medication or deal with CPNs or all the other things that did not work. I know what works. I cannot travel at the moment but with walking and CBT I can start to get better again and in time the rest will hopefully fall into place.

So I have decided to start blogging my attempt at recovery again starting today. I think the best way to do thing is with a weekly post starting today. I hadn't planned on it being a Wednesday but given today is the start of a new year, a new decade and hopefully a new beginning that is what I will go with. As you can imagine not much to report this week. I hope everyone had a good new year and days ahead are good ones. 

Not a lot has changed except everyone has gotten older. We have a new addition to the family who is featuring in the picture. His name is Rio (he came with his own name and passport) and he came all the way from Romania. It was my wife's idea but as with everything it would seem it hasn't quite worked out as we would have hoped. More on that in good time. He is mixed but a mix of what we do not know. Google seems to think part Transylvanian hound which would fit but really it matters not. He is who he is regardless of type.

One last thing. Although this is a blog about anxiety and attempted recovery I hope to also post about other things otherwise it would be a pretty boring affair. There is always lots in like to mull over and its a dristraction from the daily monotony of agoraphobic life if nothing else.