Wallet

Still I am £80 down. Yes that last drop of money that was taken from my account apparently after I had cancelled my card is still gone. To add insult to injury I can't get through to the fraud department. Some sod at the bank suspended my telephone banking access and its the only way to get through the system. So when I finally got through to the department to re-activate the account they would only do so if I could give them the password. But I only used telephone banking once in the last 8-9 years since it was set up so that can't be done. So they said the only solution was to go into my branch and sort it out. Not an option at the moment and what really annoys me is that I don't even want telephone banking as I do that online. All I want is to ask why the fraud department after telling me they would investigate the £80 withdrawal have never even been in contact to say why its still outstanding. Annoyingly I think I'll have to just take the loss and hope it doesn't happen again.

So I have a new card. My last card was over 10 years old and falling apart but now I have a crisp new card which now has chip and pin as well as a debit facility to allow me to use it online. So last night after finally activating it I decided to put it in my wallet. I was in a strangely reflective mood. Something I am not prone to doing is pouring a glass of whiskey. I'll be honest I am not a fan of it and have never bought it. But back in April I did some scanning, processing and mailing of an old photo for my mother-in-law which went to some person who imports alcohol and the image was made into an anniversary label. As a thanks, not that I was looking for one, she dropped off a half bottle of whiskey. This is due to my father-in-law on the odd occasion leaving me a glass if he comes through and has some on him. So it has sat in the kitchen all this time and as I say I was in a strangely reflective mood so I poured myself a glass, sat down and opened my wallet to put the bank card in.

I've been trying to work out what put me in this mood and I now think I know what it is. My wife claims to be a football fan. Now she does go to the football a couple of times a year with her dad and she is a fan of sorts. But she sits down to watch the world cup and 5 minutes after kick off she's talking about the supermarket, her work, this, that and the other. Or she's up doing something coming in and out of the room. But during one of the matches when the kids had gone to bed early she came over to 'my sofa', sat beside me and put her legs up in my lap. Nostalgia came flooding in. Before the kids were born that was our sofa- we have a small living room that only allows for two two-seaters. The other sofa was where her sister and brother-in-law sat. Shortly after they left the first child arrived and from there we have come to have our own sofas. The seating arrangements could be a metaphor for our married life: we are still in the same room but not as close as we used to be. Obviously the kids and my problems have been the main influences in that but I was overcome really with the realisation of how far apart we have grown and how foreign something once the norm now felt. It was a wake up to see that the love has never changed but the intimacy has faded. The nostalgic moment though was a nice one. I felt pulled back to a happier time and one that isn't out of my grasp at the moment.

My wallet is something that stays in my coat pocket. Very occasionally I open it to put money in or take money out or take out a card to withdraw money. Very much functional. In this moment I decided to raid through its many compartments. Firstly though the only thing I really see on opening is a photo of my wife. I remember this moment well as I had matching ones in a shirt and tie. I had come home from work and we went around to the supermarket to take turns in the photo booth for passports needed for our trip to Menorca. That was a good holiday. Everything I hate about a holiday mind you in the shape of sun, sand and not a lot else but our first together. And that photo used to remind me of that but in years I have not given it much thought.

Delving in I found lots of cards. Mainly they were qualifications cards that I'll never use again consisting of many months of study with trips to Edinburgh, Glasgow and 2 weeks in London. I also remember the fight I had to get my expenses back as well as spending £50 to come home from Heathrow 2 hours early as I just wanted to get the flight over with. There is also a laminated card of a professional Brazilian football doing something very non-PC on his arrival in Japan 8 years ago. Its something that shouldn't be funny because it is so offensive but I think that is what cracks me up every time I look at it. Its the bizarreness of how someone could be so ignorant as to think doing something so offensive would be seen as funny.

There was also a stub for a football game which I well remember. It has printed on it Wednesday 25 August 2004. What a different time. I got in from work and changed without time for dinner. Soon after I left with wife and 1 year old baby to jump in the car with my dad driving and my brother in the back. From there we hit rush hour Glasgow traffic with my dad getting tooted at, shouted at and gestured at for cutting up anyone that would gain him an extra yard. Taking detours at high speed to arrive where we started on a continuing frenzied white knuckle ride. Finally when we arrived it was to park in a little street a few miles from the stadium. Given 5 minutes in a pub to down a pint along the way then a couple of burgers from a van before going in we were finally seated in a packed stadium. And it was there that I started to feel a bit funny and a bit hemmed in but not enough to run away. Probably the same feelings I feel now but I react differently, I coped better.

There wasn't much else in the wallet. I found another compartment that was filled with receipts. Most of these were bank statements from the ATM and the ink had faded. But one was a receipt from a garage just outside my old workplace. It was for petrol and a hot lunch. Like sitting on the couch with my wife I suddenly found myself back there. Miles from home without a care but to stick enough fuel in the car to get home and a couple of cheese and onion toasties to keep my stomach ticking over until I got home. Nothing much but I was living the moment. Very mundane as I did it most days but care free and no idea of what the future held. No worries but instead only a bright future while newly married and starting a family with a decent wage. Just what was going through my mind? It was about moving up north. Back home we had the property newspaper and used to look at what houses we could afford with plans of going for it. Plans that never came to fruition. Dreams that died with a whimper. Even though that sounds a little sad I actually felt a warm glow being back in that place- or maybe that was the whiskey.

Memories that were worth a last fleeting look. Now gone in physical form as I crumpled all the useless bits of paper up into one ball and chucked them in the bin. And along with the new bank card I put another laminated card. My oldest daughter made a little card with a set she got with her birthday which has a wacky design on it and the simple words: I love you daddy. I think the wallet is better for it.

Graduating

My youngest girl "graduated" from nursery yesterday. There she is above in all her clobber. As you have come to know I was not there even though its just a mile down the road. Another child goes to school and the coming of age ceremony passes me by. The boy will start nursery in the coming Easter so there is still a chance where he was the only one who's birth I missed that I will make it up a little by sending him off to school.

I was very impressed when my daughter came back home. She was very excited because as well as a book she had been given a school tie and I think for her the realisation of the change set in. And it will be a big change for her. My oldest went to nursery all day and had lunch there- it was a different nursery. Whereas my youngest only goes to nursery for 3.5 hours so the long day with a dinner time will be a big change. The years are really rolling past too fast. She brought back a big book of all the work she had done with had a photo of her classmates on the front and a photo of her inside in her gown and hat with scroll in hand- all for show of course. But it was a nice little package to sit down with and have her talk me through it all and tell me all the names of her nursery chums.

Meanwhile back in my little space its still mainly calm and no adventures out into the big bad world to speak of. Rather tame in fact. So panic hasn't been much of an issue but I did have one episode on Monday which however fleeting really knocked me for six at the time. I hadn't had much sleep and there were other factors too which are much to tedious and other too private to mention but not long after getting up I was panicking. Its strange what you can still do with panic when you have no choice. There I was having a full blown panic attack and the kids and wife were totally oblivious. My wife handed me a bowl of wheatabix to feed the boy with and that is what I done while the thought that I had to get out of the room, the house, the planet and however further still shouted in my head. And at the same time I knew fleeing made no difference.

This is what it is. No matter where I am or the situation it is the inability to handle the thoughts and sensations which dictates my actions. It is what keeps me on self preservation duty not because I think it will kill me but because I don't want to experience that despair. It is in essence that needing to flee from something you cannot flee from, that inability to fight something you cannot fight because it is internal. It is a response to act physically that cannot be honoured and so scares the life out of me. The knowledge that I am open to it at any time it desires to rear its ugly head is what probably keeps it going. But that episode I mentioned strangely passed after no more than 10 minutes- it was a long 10 minutes. It showed that it can pass but it doesn't make me any more confident in dealing with the next one but lucky in my safe haven of late I have not had to deal with many of them. Alas though that is not going to help me in the long run. At some point I must peer over the trench and make a run for it again.

That time is sort of coming around now. I say sort of because I am getting the urge to push out but at the same time the schools are winding down and in 3 days time I face 7 weeks of the kids at home. I really do find it harder with the kids. When my family go away I manage to go further. I have no doubt that were one of our relatives to take the kids for a week I would manage a lot more. Its not their fault. Its just that I can't find any sort of calm among the constant bickering and general noise when they are around. I cannot concentrate on preparing myself or fighting my fears when I have to keep telling them off or when we are out for a walk ensuring they do not wander on to the road- which has happened a few times. I do feel guilty saying that as I love them to bits and in no way want to say they are hindering me but the truth is almost 2 months of the kids isn't going to make getting out any easier. I think the problem is that I find it hard enough trying to cope with myself and looking after the needs of the kids is harder for it.

Still though I can't use that as an excuse and nor will I be able to. When the urge arises to get out then its in my best interests to follow that urge. Being out there is the only way forward. In the right way of course. If you are pushing yourself outside only to constantly flee home in panic then that isn't doing you any good at all. So over the coming weeks and months I hope to feel my way back into the world like I did last year. After these holidays are over then for 6 hours a day it will be just me, my wife and the boy on weekday so there is no reason why I can't do more at that time. That is something to look forward to and hopefully a window of opportunity.

Anchored

Things are worse than I have cared to acknowledge or admit to myself. Its not something to send me over the edge, don't panic!, but a realisation. In my head a sort of see a series of states from the bed ridden agoraphobic to the confident carefree. Were it a ladder then I have known for a while that I am not that far off the bottom rung and the top disappears into a vanishing point above the clouds. But I don't think I've ever admitted it to myself or anyone else. Again its more of a kind of acceptance to acknowledge this than a torment.

Now I am totally anchored to the house. Its not the situation its just everything away from the house and its all to do with the house. That is why I cannot walk very far. I could walk around my house all day if I wanted to but who would want to? What I can't do is walk very far in any given direction. What I can't do is stay anywhere for any considerable time. I am being pulled back to the house all the time. A while back I posted about it being like elastic binding us and the further I venture the more taut the elastic gets. And that is the way it is. But it wasn't always that way.
One day. One moment. I went from that to this. One incident and I slipped right down the ladder to the ground. Its still up there. I have climbed a few rungs since and slipped a couple of times but still I keep climbing. Never though since that day have I got back to that rung again. That is the next target for me. To be able to go out and stay out. To be able to walk far from the house. To basically cut this elastic bind so I can look at properly challenging my agoraphobia. And to do that I have to do more than I am doing. Of late I have been skirting around my small safety zone not wanting to test myself. I was way beyond where I am now last year. But I can't get there again sitting at home worrying about the consequences. No I think its a big swift kick up the hindquarters to start pushing myself again and trying to stay out more than I am doing.

I know its not a great pic, I will try to get another one, but if the old guy above can do it then I have to believe I can. It might take him longer but he gets a lot further than I do on his old bones. I need to get this obsession with a possible physical problem out of the way and start working solely on the mental side. Maybe I need to stop comparing and making relative assumptions too. Thanks again for the two linked posts because as I said above they are always an inspiration to read.

If this post is a little disjointed or a big bit so apologies in advance. I seem to have trouble at the moment thinking clearly and stopping my focus from wandering. Its kind of welded together like a bad montage that doesn't fit. The more I analyse my situation the more confused I get and the more tangents I spin off into. For example I did mean to post also about my situation with the kids which I will leave for another time. But what I think I am asking myself here is whether I have a phobia to get over before I consider social situations and how to tackle it. If I cannot stay outdoors for any length of time then maybe that is an aspect of my problems that needs exposure. Maybe I do have to sit out and face the panic and see where it takes me. Because to be honest that is what is holding me back. If I am in the car I fear getting stuck. I also have developed recently the fear of breaking down somewhere as a consequence. So that is the fear I need to conquer first. I'm not sure how or even if I can but unless I can get over that fear of being out I cannot get very far up that ladder again. But then again it brings me back to dealing with panic again. Regardless of the catalyst it still comes back to dealing with panic.

Shades

The sun is out and so have we been. Its been great. In some ways I feel revitalised until I finding myself tiring while walking for a small stretch under a baking heat. And all thoughts of anxiety are banished. All plans of the future forgotten. Its living in the moment and feeling warmth on the skin. Seeing smiles on faces where usually there are furrowed brows. Happiness in the air co-existing with the smell of barbecues- bliss for me.

The boy threw a tantrum when he couldn't get his mother's sunglasses so my wife told him she would buy him a pair at the supermarket- not that he understood. The girls at this point stopped what they were doing to demand the same treatment. So they all came back from the supermarket shaded up. I went around to meet them to find the boy being pushed in the buggy fast asleep with shades on but once home and awake he was soon joining the girls for a junior Reservoir Dogs type jaunting pose.

Hours passed and I didn't feel the awkward pull of anxiety once. Even when people stopped to talk for a while I felt calm, I felt good actually. Usually I am pushed to venture out by car or foot but at the moment it feels right just to lounge. No doubt the sunshine won't last but while it does I'm happy to sit beneath blue skies and just soak it up without a care in the world.