I'm glad I didn't make any resolutions this year because this blog would have seen the breaking of least one: update more regularly. I look back and see for the last months of 2015 it was one post per month usually on the last day of the month and here I am at it again. Its not as if I don't have things to post about. I do. But life gets in the way.
2015 seemed to speed by too quickly. I know that seems to happen with age. Less landmarks to anticipate and so days roll into days. And 2016 looks like being no different. I find it hard to believe that January has gone. I look back and try to fathom exactly what passed. The adverse weather conditions has put a spoiler on things but that is to be expected. Its also lost me some ground. I was hoping it wouldn't but it has and its made me realise I need to get back to the CBT right away. I've been experiencing more panic but really that is not the problem. Its my inability to deal with the growing panic which is the problem. This is what comes of not testing it enough and not doing the CBT. I forget how to challenge the feelings when they rise. This is where I need to return to practice. I need to remind myself its a false alarm, it will pass and its harmless. Simple things with a big impact. The key points which I need to keep recalling.
Panic has come in a number of ways. Some of them familiar and a couple new. When I was doing the CBT over and over there were one or two sections I skipped because they were irrelevant. One of these was waking in panic. I'd heard of that happening to people and my wife knew someone who suffered from it- that was the only time they had panic attacks. From one I have had it happen a good few times now. Sometimes I wake with no clue as to why the panic has started. Sometimes I don't wake that way and it comes shortly after. Then there are the other ones. Dreams. A few days ago I was carrying a child on to a small plane for my parents and sat the child down at the front looking out the windows at the runway below. And my parents came in and sat down in the little space with a few seats and that was my cue to leave. But before I could the plane started to move and before I could speak it had shifted into top gear and I shut my eyes. I knew I had shut my eyes but its hard to describe. I could feel we were taking to the air but I could also see it. Maybe not so strange as it was a dream of course and these things happen. i had not asked where the pilot was if I was at the front of plane at the window and suspect it was memories of school trips sitting upstairs on a double decker at the front with friends. I had not questioned who the child was. Instead I had bigger fears to contend with. No way to escape. Could the pilot turn it around? No. I would have to endure this. i would have to be somewhere and walk to a coach and wait and go to a hotel and spend a week or two weeks worried about returning home and just wanting to get it over with- that was a holiday to Menorca with my wife before we were married. And that journey home. The airport. The wait. The walks. The boarding. Another wait. The panic. Then...awake. Awake in a sweat and the breathing seemingly shallow and the restlessness in the dark of night or morning. When reality finally sets in the body calms and finally sleep returns.
Yep, more panic than I have had for many months. But I am not complaining. There is a change in my attitude as I have said a few times. Not once have I fled. Not once, despite wanting to say it many times, have I turned back. I have felt the panic and after a time collecting myself told myself the 3 affirmations from above. Also I try to remind myself that we only have this one life and it speeds along too fast so I cannot waste time letting this dictate what I don't do. In shops and drives far from home I have been feeling it more but coping when even a year or possibly more ago I would not have done. The voice of alarm is being drowned out by the voice of reason. Maybe not drowned. Its louder but only with time will it become the only voice.
Some things are harder to keep up. For example drives have been few because of the weather. Also not helped by all roads leading to one massive junction which is currently under development and that will go on for another 2 years at least. I have not been on a train for a long time too so the fear of doing that is returning. This is one place where graduated exposure is not allowed to work. It has worked for me but as it needs repetitions and train journeys cost money I cannot afford the repetition. And without that I am then open to the fear. That is something I just have to accept for now but I would like to start getting back into that again even if its just one journey per week building it up bit by bit. I will need the train to get to the job centre when that comes along. I'd also though like to get into Glasgow in stages as that would open up a lot of possibilities and of those I think having a place to meet up with old friends would be top of that list.
Anyway that is the anxiety side of things. Its better but not easy and I still have a long way to go but better is something I would have taken every year past and now its what I have. Its steps in the right direction and that is all I can ask for. I'll take it every time.
When I started this blog in July 2008 I had a very young family and could see no light at the end of the tunnel. And for the most part of this blog the bleak outlook had gotten bleaker. But of late that has changed. Whatever went before is gone but the future is now looking like it has a good chance of improving and a time to make up to my family for the years lost. When I started my blog my girls had just turned 5 and 3 and the boy was just 6 months old. He turned 8 yesterday. A lot has happened in that time. When he was born I was as good as housebound. Now we take walks and drives when we can. Life is better. No longer are the kids shocked to see me at the school- I take the kids to school and mostly pick them up too. If the year ahead improves by as much as 2015 improved then I have something to really look forward to this year. I hope so.
But the one thing I did want to say was that I think there are happier times ahead. Despite the return of panic, which the CBT tells me is needed in order to face it, I feel deep down there are exciting times ahead. And if not then at least its a time to look forward rather than back. I also need to post more regular. I have many things to post about but its coming across all bitty as its been so long between posts. Time to look ahead.
