Let's go shopping

Oh yes, indeed, lets go the hell shopping. As if standing in full blown panic at Rutherglen train station unable to think straight was not enough for one week I decided to just fall backwards and hope someone caught me before I hit the ground. Panic disorder though is the third option I forgot about about. No one catches you and you just keep falling.

I can't actually remember the last time, some what to my credit, that I said the words to my wife: I need to go. I have in these past months done everything in my power not to say them and had succeeded in doing so despite how bad I was feeling inside. This though was something else. This was like spining around and around and around at top speed and just wanting off. I tried to hold the words back but fear and desperation got the better of me and I said them. I felt guilt as soon as I said it and instantly retracted them and then said them again and then sat down. I sat on a bench. It all went strange. Panic had hit the roof and nothing was bringing it down. I looked up and all I could see were levels of concrete and people and panic just went crazy.

I had done it again. From saying midweek it was too soon and so taking the boy on the train I today decided it was all OK and would be a breeze. But very quickly it was not. As soon as we entered the multi-story car park I started to feel anxious and even then realised I had made another stupid mistake. But pride stopped me getting out then. Instead I braved it. It would be OK. I am doing so much better now and so I don't need to run. Wrong.

There was a time we regard as normality. Its a time basically where "we did" without having to think about it. We went shopping, we went a walk, we went on holiday and everything we did was restricted by the things out of our hands like cost, transport, free time and all the rest. The difference is now we have to think about it. But that is OK. What I have learnt of late that we start having to think but when we have done it a few times we no longer have to think and we are back to where we were. It needs time. It needs small progressive steps. Its like a tug of war where we have been pulled 10 foot over the line but now we are taking an inch back at a time and in time we will get back there if we keep at it. So the point is that planning and small steps and repetition have worked for me but at times I get ahead of myself like here. Planning. It was Sunday and the schools were going back the next day so it was ultra busy. The wrong time. Weather was great. People were out. Wrong time.

I was then on a bench. I was sitting and then tried to gather myself only to realise with far too many people around me I was alone. I had to find my family. Where were they? My wife had two shops. Things were coming back. My wife was annoyed. If I could sit it out she would be as quick as she could returning stuff. Huge. That is all I could think. My memory of the place was that it was nowhere near that size. This was huge and as we walked we seemed to just keep walking and walking and going further underground. But then I was alone. Two shops. BHS. Somewhere else. Panic was so bad I was shaking and I could not think straight so did not even attempt to phone. I found BHS and then scouted and could not find them. Out the shop. Shit! Back to the car? I can't go further in. Where are they? I need to go- NOW!!!

Marks and Spencers. In there and about. No sign. Turns out I remembered correctly but there was an upstairs. Thankfully managed to calm enough to get that info. And then the panic dropped. Like that. It went and I was OK. We did what we needed to do and then headed back to the car.

I had promised to take my youngest daughter to "Game". I forgot that bit. True to my word then we would head back. I located it on the map and saw it was near the ice rink.  That brought back memories. The ice rink I had seen many times as that is where we used to enter years ago. It was also across from the cinema where my wife and I had been a few times. So we headed back. It went on and on and from zero anxiety the levels crept up again. Where the bloody hell was it? And it seemed to be going uphill.

We made it and we also had time to sit for a bit at the ice rink. But I have to be honest and say I was glad when we were on our way. Out of the shops and into the car park and out of that into the outside world and finally exhale. I will go back but with more preparation At time I got glimpses of the stupidity in my thinking. Thousands of people I would say and all not bothered because there is nothing to be bothered about. Its about not making that issue in the first place rather than dealing with the issue.  There is no issue except the one born from anxious thought and its not real. A tiny bit of bravery and a lot of reptition allow us to see the llie for what it is. That is why its important to prepare and go wise. Something I am still learning apparently.

More train rides

The last week of the school holidays has been a bit of a non-event to be honest. Its preparation for the return next week. As such there have been no big days out as such but more trips on the train. Are they getting easier? They should be. If you do it right they should go fine like they have been doing but me being me I always have to push too far too quickly and end up regretting it.

I was at Rutherglen train station on Monday. The train rides I have been doing so far have been East into Hamilton. To the West is Glasgow 10 miles away. Its a place I hope some day to go to again by train. I used to do it all the time but its now over 10 years since the last time and getting there is a long way off. So why I did what I did is beyond me. To go by train is 3 stops- Newton, Cambuslang, Rutherglen and then Argyle Street in Glasgow. Graduated exposure. My plan this week had been do Newton twice. Build it slowly. That was the plan. That was the wise move. That would not be easy. The Hamilton route I could walk back from if required. Newton I could not. So I went into the train station and bought a return ticket- for Rutherglen.

The plan in my head concocted as I was waiting to buy my tickets was that if I bought the tickets for Rutherglen then I could at least get off at any stop before and go home. But it was still the wrong thing to do. It all  went wrong. I got on the train and it was only when I got on that I realised how busy it was. It was only later when I got off that I realised there had only been two carriages- there are usually at least 3 times as many. So I felt claustraphobic wedged between a guy and a window and guy facing me. Just really uncomfortable and decided it was a big mistake so I would get off at Newton and come home.

I don't know how much longer it was but I was pacing up and down Rutherglen train station  just a stop from Glasgow. I was pacing because I was in full blown panic. In my my head the return train would be sitting there waiting for me to return. Not only was it not but the next train arriving 10 mins later did not even take me home. That cranked panic up another notch. My own fault. I had drowned in it all. I had come unprepared and taken on too much too soon. I walked through the station and up stairs and started walking through a tunnel when I realised there were different platforms and I might forget which one was mine and get stuck and god it was all just going wrong. Bugger it. I walked away anyway out the train station and wandered about for a bit. Then I went back and decided I was going to wait until the panic subsided. I did. Not as long as I should have because it had not dropped enough but my train arrived and I got on it happy just to be heading home.

In hindsight it was stupidity of course. I was angry with myself. So angry that when I got off the train I went on a big walk to burn off the adrenaline going in a loop which brought me back to the station. Once there I got on the train again. This time to Newton. That was all fine. I got there. Hung a bout a bit on both platforms and came home. That is what I should have done but I think by doing that I will be OK anyway. I am not quite sure if the same tickets covered me but i assume they do as they are day returns. If so that could bode well for me as I need repetition but cannot afford lots of train  journeys.

On Tuesday my wife and the girls went into East Kilbride to the shopping centre for last minute school shopping. For all I am progressing that is one I did not want to do. Its too big and a place I had a bad panic attack before. I need to return one day  but Tuesday was not the day. So with the girls away I took the boy on the train into the centre of Hamilton. It wasted an hour or so. His only interest is his  Nintendo so a trip to "Game" was like Christmas to him as we have nothing like that where we live.  He had money too so all the better to buy something with.  

Then today we all went into Hamilton to get the very last things for school. Again it was the train and lie Tuesday there were no problems. The graduated exposure is working. As soon as the kids are back to school I will be doing it the other way in the hope of getting to Glasgow before the end of the year.  It actually feels like it could happen and that would be something. We had lunch there too in Sainsburys. It was good. I think we are all ready now. The kids are ready for their new term and I am ready to start taking on new challenges over these next few months in the hope I will be ever closer to where I want to be by the end of the year. 

Meal

After the overnight there was one other thing to do and as luck would have it the opportunity opened very quickly- yesterday. As I said in my last post my wife took the kids up north after the overnight but on Sunday night she arrived back home on her own. Her parents had kindly offered to watch the kids for a few nights so for the start of this week we are in the unusual position of having no kids at home. Freedom!

Dos Amigos. My wife has a good memory. A lot better than me. Strangely though she forgot the name of the restuarant we were supposed to go to for our anniversary. I can't remember which one. I have a feeling it was our second but I could be wrong. It was though up in Perth and we were staying at the Holiday Inn with a table booked for a Mexican restaurant we had been at once before and liked. Maybe I have more reason to remember. Her parents were watching the children, or child, that night too and we were getting ready in the hotel room. I remember I felt ill- really ill. I did not want to go. I did not know what was up and I knew I was going to ruin the night if I did not go but...I ruined the night.I told my  wife I felt ill.  It was the truth. I knew there was more to it but I didn't know what. At that time I had no idea what I was experiencing. She was rightly annoyed. She called and cancelled. We ended up walking the streets and getting food from a service station. We went to bed silently and that was that. Not a memory I cared to hold on to.

So  it was time,  long overdue, to have that meal belatedly. With the kids gone my wife booked a table at a restaurant she had been to and enjoyed. We went there. We actually walked there. Its over a mile there which is something in the past I would not even have done never mind sit and have a meal before going home. We did it.  She loved it. I eventually  did after getting past that first half hour which was sheer hell. It was really just a case of holding on until  the anxiety finally died down. It does eventually. But it was not perseverence as such. It was a case more of reminding myself to step back from the negative loop of escaping I had created. Stepping back long enough to let it pass. 

A long overdue meal had and hopefully not the last. Its my birthday in December, anniversary in February and my wife's birthday in April. All we need now are more babysitters! After the meal we went to a pub across the road and had a few beers there.  It was a really good night. One I thought for a long time would never come but it has and now  I am looking at what to challenge next. 

Overnight

Standing frozen in a car park of a Holiday Inn at six am talking to an Irish couple I had never met was not something I had planned to do or will ever plan to do again- the couple were lovely but the rest was a nightmare. There is little to be gained by thinking fate has it in for you but that is how it felt. August 2006 was the last time I had been out of home overnight. In my drive to undo all the wrongs that led me to my lowest and darkest places I am slowly passing everything I passed on the way down  but this time on the way up.  An overnight was needed somewhere.

My wife and I had discussed it many times but always including the phrase "one day" with not much conviction from either side. Even when  the kids broke up for school it was never a proposal as so many other things less difficult had yet to be attempted. But I had an idea. Last year my sister-in-lay took my oldest girl to Italy and when she came back she stayed overnight at a Holiday Inn in East Kilbride taking my other daughter. This year she did the reverse. It was dropping off the oldest that that idea came to me. My wife and I had always talked an overnight in terms of just the two of us. It didnt have to be. We could book a family room. When I suggested it my wife was taken aback. Things were moving quicker I think than she expected and after giving up to some extent on me ever getting better after the last CPN left I think she found it hard to take in. A few days later we went in and booked it.

It was hard without a doubt. Not every minute but the vast majority of it. But I expected that. I could expect no less. 9 years of the same journey to bed and same bed and waking in the same room was about to be disturbed. That led to apprehension. It was expected.

We had gone down to have dinner in the restaurant but the kids didn't see anything they liked so instead we went out to McDonald which was a shame as the meal at the Inn was supposed to be part of the experience. I should also say something I found really humbling. We never told the kids we were doing it. We told them that I had never been away for 9 years so I was going to have an overnight on my own and they came with me to see me off. After getting the room key my wife told them they were staying too and it was amazing. You would have thought they had been told they were getting 3 weeks in Disneyland Florida not an overnight in East Kilbride- and I bet their joy was more than some kids who were going over the water. It as humbling and a bit sad to see  that such a small thing was massive for them and a push to ensure they miss out on no more. That alone made it worth while.

Not a lot else was done. They had all been out at Blair Drummond safari park all day and were caught in a traffic jam on the way home so we got there late and my wife was shattered. We had a few drinks at the bar and then watched some TV in bed. Then lights out.

That was the bit I was dreading and it lived up to the hyped.  Lying in darkness the mind hit top gear and had a full tank to burn. Left side, back, right side, front, left side and so on. Its true that the more yoy try to sleep the less like you are to drop off. A dozen or so checks of the phone didn't help to check the time. 5:12, that was the last one I remember. Left side, right...

I basically was awake the whole time except for about 50 minutes where I did finally sleep but was awoken with the loudest alarm I have ever heard. Or maybe it just seemed louder going from silence of deep sleep. So that was that. Me, my wife and the kids were all  down in the car park half asleep and cold. My son just had a pair of PJs and was shivering so I gave him my jumper leaving me in just a T-shirt. No idea what the cause was. We were never told. The fire brigade were there but there was no smoke. A note under the door to apologise but it hardly made up for ruining our one night away. We were at least up in time for breakfast which was nice all around the table together. And after that the rest of my family went to the indoor pool. I had gone into town the day before and bought swimming shorts for it but by that time i felt ill. As they swam I lay under the covers and fell asleep for a couple of hours. Finally a sleep away from home.

It didn't go to plan but it would be pretty boring if it did. Its not me fate has it in for though. My family went up North yesterday and today when I called my wife told me they had been at the cinema  to see "Inside Out" when three quarters through the fire alarm went off.  That kind of bad luck is just not funny. The film had to be put back to the beginning but they could not stay as their cousins had to be elsewhere so they never saw the end- but did get a full refund. 

That wasn't the end of our day though.  We went to Bothwell Castle which we have done numerous times but this time went inside. My wife had a card from her work giving us discounts on things. For entry we went free so just had to pay for the kids but as there were renovations on the kids went free so it was a total freebie. And after that we spent a while at the museum of rural life. That was great. As we waited for a ride up to the farm in a carriage pulled by a tractor a deer appeared in th nearby field. The friendly tractor driver told us all about the family who were locals and the bumpy ride was great. That is a train, a tram and a tractor in the past week. Can't think of any other transport beginning with "T" to go on. The kids loved seeing all the animals and we arrived in time for milking. The guy was a really nice woman and the farmer's wife came out to chat too which was nice. So a good day out all in all.

As I said he overnight didn't go to plan but it didn't matter. To be honest I never planned on it being an enjoyable experience. The kids didn't care and loved it. For me it was just about getting it done and now that it is done I will do it again. Not straight away but I will do it some time soon for sure.