Stick to the plan

When I make 1 step forward and 2 back there is usually a good reason for it in hindsight. I just wish I had the foresight to stop making the same mistakes. I have a plan and it is a plan that got me well before. It is simple but effective if I stick to it. In essence I tick two boxes Monday to Friday- a walk and CBT. On the weekend I have 1 more walk. That is it in essence. Within that I have two realistic goals in regards to walks that I try to achieve each week but I don't beat myself up if I cannot do them. One goal is distance and the other is location. So far having completed 4 weeks I have achieved 7 of my 8 goals. That is fine. And when I do not achieve a goal I set the same goals for the following week. When I do achieve them I increase the following week's goals enough to move on but not enough to keep failing. It is a simple plan. A tick for CBT, a tick for walking and allowing time to pass. 

Within those goals are perimeters I work to which best serve. For example going for a walk in the dark when its quiet at 21:00 or thereabouts I do much better that 9:00 rush hour in daylight. It stands to reason. So I do the former and try to stick to that. My hope is that when I have the distance at a big enough level I will start to reduce the time of day for it by half an hour to an hour each time. 

Not sticking to the plan sets me back 

No solace in slumber

Sleep is the one place I should be able to escape the nonsense of my waking reality. Mostly I am OK there unless a nightmare occurs involving panic which happens from time to time. It used to be what I craved but now I am growing wary of it. In the past couple of months I've been woken by panic. It was very sparodic and not enough to concern myself but in the past few weeks it has become more of a problem. It is related to the stomach. I think all of my panic of late is having an adverse effect on me physically and its not the first time as the same thing happened in 2009. I shut my eyes and like a lot of people I do not drift off straight away. Sometimes it can take getting up and doing something and trying again later. As a consequence I have found myself staying up later and later but its no good because I still have to get up at the same time. Or at least I used to. Of late , as I said, I have found myself waking in panic. And when I do I am usually up for the duration. That could be anywhere between 4:00 and 6:00. Hard enough but in a flat its very difficult because I have to be quiet and even running the tap to get water can disturb at those hours as is flushing the toilet. And I cannot have a light on which is a real problem in panic because in the dark the mind races faster and its harder to cope with.

It is a cycle and in time it will sort itself out. In time as I pracriice dealing wtih panic and doing that better I will have less panic and when I have less panic I will have less phyiscal problems. From that I will sleep better and a fresher me can face panic better. And so on. When I am fresher and calmer I can walk further and when I walk further I do not panic as much close by like at the shops. It is all cummulative. I have been here before but I am having a hard time accepting it as I never thought I would be back here again after getting better.