The Devil

Whenever the oldest girl wants to know about something new she asks daddy to get a picture up on the computer screen. This morning before school I didn't have the computer on but when she comes home I have to show her a picture of the devil. Not the one above but the stereotypical red one with horns, hooves, tail and a big red hot poker to shove up your jacksee!

This I don't mind but she was getting a little agitated talking about it this morning. Apparently the teacher had been telling them about the devil yesterday in school and how the bad go to hell, etc. I don't want my daughter wrapped in cotton wool but as someone who in my current situation knows only too well how fear can affect the mind I am a little worried about too much exposure to fear. Is the devil something a 5 year old needs to be taught about? The reason I ask this is that night terrors have been no stranger in the past.

Maybe on top of my worries is the conflict I feel talking about these things. The devil concept being something I scoff at makes it hard for me to play along- but I do so for my wife's sake and not to confuse the child. As soon as she is of age though I can't help feeling that I will be sitting down reading Darwin's theory of evolution to her. Not as a brainwash against what she has learned but as a balance of viewpoints to reach her own conclusion.

As a parent I am unsure about how much exposure my children should be allowed and from my current viewpoint I worry that maybe I am being overprotective. In fact I get myself too riled sometimes. My feeling is that kids today have too much weight on their shoulders at a young age and are bombarded with too much. I was reading today that a new anti-smoking advert is being removed from kids TV slots which although giving the right message, smoking is bad, is playing on kids acknowledging that their parents may die if they smoke. The most disturbing one for me again has good intentions. The advert for recognising strokes does so much good but again it appears during the day and frightens the life out of both my daughters. That is not something they need to see. But there are lots of examples. I gave my daughter crisps for lunch one day and she refused them citing that the teachers said they were bad. They have to watch what they eat, what they drink, exercise, read the right books and the list goes on. Can't we just leave kids to be kids?

I have to watch what I say though. If I do not nod my head and conform with society then I may become the very devil she is enquiring about.

Wine is good for you

Increasingly I have been getting frustrated by society and the world that we live in. We live in a media driven world where we are fed too much information- too much misinformation actually. Every day I browse the BBC News website because it is good and informative while relatively unbiased but the one thing that really riles me is the endless new studies that appear on a daily basis.

One minute red wine is good for the heart and the next it also causes cancer. You know the sort of thing. Today for example there is one entitled "Probiotics may stop pneumonia" and another "Migraines mean less cancer risk". It really is ridiculous. And you may think why let it bother you? Well I'll tell you why. The Department of Work and Pensions rightly is cracking down on offenders cheating the system which means people like myself are getting eternally hassled as a result. People unemployed through no fault of their own are not only stigmatised but have to live on a pittance. These cretins who do these useless studies are given thousands in funding to come up with this useless nonsense. Why not give it to people out of work to tell us washing your hair with strawberry milkshake reduces the chance of fungal foot disease?

Maybe I'm just in one of those moods today but I am angry at everything and feel the fight within me strengthening my resolve. I am just sick of the crap from the media in all channels. We are told how we should look, how we should think, what we should eat and given a list of things we must not do. Failure to adhere to them all makes you a social outcast or a lesser being. This is the world we live in.

Today I spotted a story on the BBC News website. Two days ago a man named Sydney Maurice Lucas died. He had been one of 5 survivors of the First World War born in 1900. He went on to have a long life and put it down to "moderate consumption of alcohol". Enough said. There you go. In the name of Mr Lucas I conclude wine, and any other alcohol, in moderation is good for you. Now where is my thousands of pounds for conducting that study?

As my uncle used to tell me- "Don't let the bastards grind you down". Essentially be your own person and only do what you are worth and more importantly what you enjoy doing. Individualism is the best tonic. Trying to blend and fit in with the system is not mentally good.

New Horizon

Reading back through this all its quite depressing stuff and hardly inspirational. Over the period of 2-3 years with anxiety my mood has become very dark as hope fades at each turn. I am well versed in moping about and pondering on the ills of my life and more so the ills I predict will come my way. That is my life. I wake, I fear, the day drags, I go to bed and finally peace comes with sleep, eventually- sometimes. It is a monotonous existance.

It is also an existance of my own making. I point the finger at everyone except myself. I created this world. Anxiety propelled me here. The fear of unknowing brought me where I am but I chose to lie down and stay. My legs are too weak to leave and this "haven" although a nightmare is all I have known so I cannot bare to leave. This is my doing.

Now I see a new horizon. I must grasp the day. I must put myself right in the thick of it instead of curling up into a ball hoping it will go away. It won't go away. I am the one who must shape a new day.

Take Away

I would like to emphasise that my wife and I don't eat out very often. That said for the second day in a row the Pizza place had some of our cash. It started on Sunday night with the home delivery. My eldest daughter's, 5 year old, nostrils must have been twitching as they tend to do. She came through to see what was on offer despite having already had her own dinner at 18:00- this was about 21:00.

She didn't fancy my Donner Pizza much but had a bit anyway. My wife's chips n' cheese though went down well. I could see the look on my wife's face when my daughter ate the first lot with delight, snuggled up and said "Lets share mummy." She ate half my wife's dinner.

In the morning she asked if she could have her own so as a treat my wife decided to get the two girls chips and cheese after their swimming lesson. So while they waited for the order I got the baby ready and went out to the place I dared not go the previous night. And I did it. In all it was only about 5 minutes I had to wait in there with the family but it seemed longer. I did have to fight off the urge to flee countless time and I was helped by the fact it was virtually empty but I still did it.

We cannot afford to do that every night of the week whether it would help my recovery or not. That is the problem with the Supermarket too. Every time I have gone in I have bought something. I need to keep going in but I cannot keep spending. Nor do I want to just keep browsing as I fear I will look suspicious in my agitated state.

It is strange the scenarios that I build. My biggest fear is panic, fleeing the supermarket, an alarm going off and security guards blocking me. All stupid I know but it can happen. Lots of times in the past I have bought something only to have it set off an alarm or gone out the door at the same time as someone else setting off an alarm.

Maybe I should try to get to the library next. At least there I don't have to put my hand in my pocket. All going good though for the moment.