Elixir

Mortality, our own, is something we think about alot. As your normal human being it is a persistent thought but a person with anxiety it is a constant reminder. When these thoughts first start is unclear. Soon in early age we learn that we will die and that phantom looms forever more.

My five year old daughter has been off school the past two days feeling under the weather as the last of the clan to get this winter bug. Tonight she sat in front of the TV on a beanbag lost in thought while her three year old sister played oblivious and her 10 month old brother slept. Then she burst out crying and said over and over "I don't want to die". It was heartbreaking.

Why she thought about this I don't know. Its not a subject we ever talk about and why it entered her head at that point I don't know. For a young thing she is very philosophical which is great in some ways but a danger in others. How do you reassure without lying? The truth is we are all going to die. How do you tell that to a five year old girl without further traumatising her?

There is no solace in the truth. I tried that approach but it broke her little heart and so I had to use a different approach. Recently among the books I have read have been a couple on the subject of everlasting life and alchemy. I told her of Fulcanelli and lied that although born over 100 years ago he is still alive today and looking as young as ever. I told her about the Comte de St Germain and lied about him too. I told her that when she was old enough she could, like these people, find the key to everlasting life and live forever. That did the job.

I lied but at least it will keep for a few years yet. And that is all I want to do: soothe her troubled mind. Because is she ever learns, like I have, just how troubled the mind can get then an everlasting life might seem a burden rather than a desire and as good a reason as any for mortality.

Inner Strength

On Monday I had two walks. They were short but the second was a little longer. Still though it was a struggle. It was like the 3 days of no walking had made my body seize up and its going to take some exercise to loosen it up again. The usual tight chest and laboured breathing right from the off made the walks a struggle. Today I have already been for a walk and it was just as much of a struggle. I find myself almost mentally defeated before going out.

In times past I would have given up straight away. Today's walk though was longer again and it was with my wife so I did not want to walk back early despite how I was feeling. As well as the symptoms already described I get this sort of nerve twitching in the face like it is going to go into spasm- no doubt coming from my neck and back. So I pushed on and done it but feel no better for it. Maybe if I just keep doing it then it will become easier.

Over these weeks and months though I feel I am tapping in more and more to an inner strength which is pulling me further along. As I said I would have been defeated before but now I am trying not to let it bother me. It is probable born of frustration and wanting to get well. Knowing inactivity isn't helping is a spur but also a trial.

The world around us changes our thinking too. At the moment "This Morning" is on in the background, my wife watches it, and there are a few older heavier women cycling across Cuba and here am I younger and less overweight thinking I am physically unable to walk a kilometre. I remember thinking the same annoyance with myself watching a woman cycle across the USA for charity- she was terminally ill with cancer. It really is not on. There was a time when I really was unbreakable but now I am encased in a fragile eggshell.

I was watching the new series "Survivors" last night and it got me thinking. If, like in that program, the majority died and the streets were empty would I still be housebound? Strangely I think not. I think if there was no one about I would walk further which just goes to show how I need to get over a mental rather than physical barrier. The reason I think is that if I walked far and got exhausted I could just lie down undisturbed without interference. Were I to do it now then people would look, some may even enquire and ultimately I would be agitated by the interference. But also it is about how people would see me and I have never liked being the centre of attention. So that could be loosely a social anxiety of sorts or more truthfully a lack of confidence. Maybe I need a confidence boost or a change of attitude. I have said that before. A person who does not care what others think probably would not suffer from anxiety.

I also watch people on TV and I am in awe at how relaxed they are. I think that person has got up, got ready, out the door, travelled to the studio by some means of transport, probably up flights of stairs, hung about for a while and yet still is sitting there so relaxed. Then I think to myself I used to do the same. There was a time not so long ago I used to walk 30 minutes to work, work for 8 hours on my feet up and down stairs and then 30 minutes walk home. I never even gave it a second thought. Even if I had the flu or a bug I would do it without a worry. Now I get a sniffle and cannot get out the door. Well I can but mentally I don't allow myself.

I think what I am saying is that I need a complete change of thinking. My mindset is stuck in a mould of fear and I need to break that. I need a new outlook, a positive one. Until I do that I will be stuck in this safe zone.